Can Someone Be Homosexual and Not Gay? | Psychology Today

Contents:

• DEAR MARY: I THOUGHT I WAS GAY, BUT NOW I REALISE I’M NOT. HOW DO I ‘REVERSE E OUT’?
• I THOUGHT I WAS GAY BUT NOW I'M QUTNG MY ORIENTATN
• I’VE INTIFIED AS GAY FOR YEARS. NOT ANYMORE.
• MY MOTHER SISTED I WAS GAY - BUT I’M NOT
• CAN SOMEONE BE HOMOSEXUAL AND NOT GAY?
• YOU’RE NOT GAY: HOMOSEXUALY ANXIETY OCD
• AM I GAY?
• PEOPLE THK I'M GAY... BUT I'M NOT
• WHAT IF YOU ONLY THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY?
• HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?

DEAR MARY: I THOUGHT I WAS GAY, BUT NOW I REALISE I’M NOT. HOW DO I ‘REVERSE E OUT’?

"I thought I was gay, but now I realise I’m not. I me out to my iends and fay as gay when I was my late teens and early 20s.

I’ve never been a gay relatnship but I have had a few sexual enunters wh other gay men, eher through datg apps or through chance meetgs on nights out. Jt as if you were qutng your orientatn and thkg you might be gay, I n offer some background basics and thgs to thk about. However, along the l of sexualy beg fluid, I feel that while there are certaly people who are jt attracted to people of the same genr or a different genr (or asexual), most people fall somewhere on a broad spectm between gay and straight (and beyond!

Unfortunately, more often than not, 's not easy beg gay. Not bee beg gay self is hard, but bee of societal prsure and judgement.

I THOUGHT I WAS GAY BUT NOW I'M QUTNG MY ORIENTATN

As you said yourself, beg gay is, or has bee, a major part of your inty. You're out and proud and feelg at home your lol and the greater gay muny.

I’VE INTIFIED AS GAY FOR YEARS. NOT ANYMORE.

Likewise, we don't want or need people who re about but do not re for our sexual orientatn, such as a well-tentned parent, to tell they are relieved that we, fact, not gay.

Our two ma articl on this very topic, The Be Be: A Homosexualy and Bisexualy Primer and Bi the Dozen: A Bisexualy Quiz addrs this que extensively. Speakg of articl, I'd also suggt readg The Makgs of a Homo on a young guy intifyg as gay (I realize you are beyond this step your personal journey, but you still might fd tertg) and well as Makg Sense of Sexual Media. Gay, straight, bi or beyond, the articl Supermol: Creatg & Nurturg Your Own Bt Relatnship Mols and Pothol & Dead Ends: Relatnship Roadblocks to Look Out For brg up important relatnship nsiratns.

As I allud to a b the first part of my rponse, when you're queer, n be hard to claim that inty, form that muny and more; beg gay be a huge part of who you are.

MY MOTHER SISTED I WAS GAY - BUT I’M NOT

The gay muny tends to be close kn, but jt bee you're not datg a guy don't mean you have to be ostracized om !

In fact, when you thk about , the gay muny tends to be a very open and acceptg group. Bulli teased me for beg gay when I was younger, but when a six-year-old boy lls another six-year-old boy gay, he means “weird” or “gross, ” not “has sex wh men.

Kids are not gay or straight, they’re jt kids. I wasn’t gay or straight.

CAN SOMEONE BE HOMOSEXUAL AND NOT GAY?

Why, then, do adults who knew me as a child sist that I was gay all along? I felt prsured to pick a label and stick wh , and for a long time “gay” worked bee I didn’t thk about much. But the last year or two, I’ve started to rethk my relatnship to the label “gay.

I hooked up wh trans and nonbary people and stopped scribg myself as gay, preferrg to e the more clive tchall “queer. Often when I tell some people that I’m distancg myself om gay, they immediately suggt I intify as bisexual, or pansexual.

I need somethg that means “mostly gay but not fully mted and open to other possibili, ” but, alas, such a niche label has yet to be imaged. When I was six, the boys who teased me labelled me as gay. The adults my life labelled me as gay.

YOU’RE NOT GAY: HOMOSEXUALY ANXIETY OCD

And for a while after g out, “gay” worked fe. In his early teens, Guillme Gallienne’s mother told him that he was gay. He had always found difficult ftg wh his macho father and athletic brothers, and so everyone the fay was nvced that he was gay – cludg Guillme took him several years to realise that was not strictly when he started to go out wh girls, his parents sisted that he was nial and when he announced his engagement to the woman who is now his wife, neher his mother nor his father spoke to him for 24 hours.

AM I GAY?

The ia me durg a ssn wh his psychiatrist and he cid to wre an tobgraphil film about a boy who learns to accept his heterosexualy, a fay that had cid he was homosexual. “It’s bee you are gay. When my mum told me the reason I was love wh a man was bee I was gay, my whole world fell apart.

”Unlike his athletic brothers, the teenaged Guillme loved to dance, a memory played out the uncertaty ntued until his nt suggted that the only way to fd out if he was gay or straight, was to fall love. All the years, if she was nvced her son was gay, meant that she would always rema the most important woman his life. If I would fall love wh a man tomorrow, I would have a gay life.

PEOPLE THK I'M GAY... BUT I'M NOT

Everyone I meet thks I’m gay.

WHAT IF YOU ONLY THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY?

So ’s been a mon trend ever sce I was highschool that everyone always asks one way or another “is he gay” or “ are you gay” and ’s gettg irratg.

Have you ever thought that you were gay but have sce e to realise that you are probably straight?

HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?

So when we therapists are nonted wh male clients, often married on, who e to wh ep nflicts about their sexual attractn to other men, we often fd that they are willg to e the word “homosexual, ” but chew the “gay” label. Bee “gay” impli an embracg of the gay liftyle — gay bars, gay pri paras, perhaps multiple sex partners, or even anonymo sex. Unfortunately, much of our natn’s polics have long exacerbated the problem as well, shamg and vilifyg homosexualy, leadg legns of men stgglg wh sexual inty to ternalize their homophobia.