'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt.

A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men. And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children.

”Siarly, Patricia took issue wh the blok who took her hband out for a beer so they didn’t look homophobic.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

”Jt like many gay men do, their wiv n go through nial perds, Roxanne says, believg they n work thgs out. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay.

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

On June 26, 2015, the US Supreme Court led that gay marriage is a right protected by the US Constutn all 50 stat.

US public opn had shifted signifintly over the years, om 27% approval of gay marriage 1996 to 55% 2015, the year beme legal throughout the Uned Stat, to 61% 2019.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Proponents of legal gay marriage ntend that gay marriage bans are discrimatory and unnstutnal, and that same-sex upl should have accs to all the benefs enjoyed by different-sex upl.

On July 25, 2014 Miami-Da County Circu Court Judge Sarah Zabel led Florida’s gay marriage ban unnstutnal and stated that the ban “serv only to hurt, to discrimate, to prive same-sex upl and their fai of equal digny, to label and treat them as send-class cizens, and to em them unworthy of participatn one of the fundamental stutns of our society. The Amerin Psychologil Associatn, Amerin Psychiatric Associatn, and others nclud that legal gay marriage giv upl “accs to the social support that already facilat and strengthens heterosexual marriag, wh all of the psychologil and physil health benefs associated wh that support.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

A study found that same-sex married upl were “signifintly ls distrsed than lbian, gay, and bisexual persons not a legally regnized relatnship. A 2010 analysis found that after their stat had banned gay marriage, gay, lbian and bisexual people suffered a 37% crease mood disorrs, a 42% crease alhol-e disorrs, and a 248% crease generalized anxiety disorrs. The Congrsnal Budget Office timated 2004 that ferally-regnized gay marriage would cut the budget fic by around $450 ln a year.

In July 2012 New York Cy Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that gay marriage had ntributed $259 ln to the cy’s enomy jt a year sce the practice beme legal there July 2011.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

In 2012, the Williams Instute at the Universy of California at Los Angel (UCLA) found that the first five years after Massachetts legalized gay marriage 2004, same-sex weddg expendur (such as venue rental, weddg k, etc.

Relig stutns n cle to marry gay and lbian upl if they wish, but they should not dictate marriage laws for society at large. Gay marriage is a civil right protected by the US Constutn’s mments to liberty and equaly, and is an ternatnally regnized human right for all people. Civil unns and domtic partnerships uld provi the protectns and benefs gay upl need whout changg the fn of marriage.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

2016 printial ndidate and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fra stated that civil unns are aquate as an equivalent to marriage: “Benefs are beg btowed to gay upl [ civil unns]… I believe we need to rpect those who believe that the word marriage has a spirual foundatn… Why n’t we rpect and tolerate that while at the same time sayg ernment nnot btow benefs unequally. Court papers filed July 2014 by attorneys fendg Arizona’s gay marriage ban stated that “the State regulat marriage for the primary purpose of channelg potentially procreative sexual relatnships to endurg unns for the sake of jog children to both their mother and their father… Same-sex upl n never provi a child wh both her blogil mother and her blogil father.

Contrary to the pro gay marriage argument that some different-sex upl nnot have children or don’t want them, even those s there is still the potential to produce children. Gay marriage has accelerated the assiatn of gays to mastream heterosexual culture to the triment of the homosexual muny. By rcg the differenc opportuni and experienc between gay and heterosexual people, this unique culture may cease to exist.

Lee Badgett, PhD, Director of the Center for Public Policy and Admistratn at the Universy of Massachetts at Amherst, stated that for many gay activists “marriage means adoptg heterosexual forms of fay and givg up distctively gay fay forms and perhaps even gay and lbian culture. Pla Ettelbrick, JD, Profsor of Law and Women’s Studi, wrote 1989, “Marriage ns ntrary to two of the primary goals of the lbian and gay movement: the affirmatn of gay inty and culture and the validatn of many forms of relatnships. LGBT activist llective Agast Equaly stated, “Gay marriage ap hetero privilege… [and] creas enomic equaly by perpetuatg a system which ems married begs more worthy of the basics like health re and enomic rights.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

The lears of the Gay Liberatn Front New York said July 1969, “We expose the stutn of marriage as one of the most sid and basic staers of the system. Queer activist Anrs Zanichkowsky stated June 2013 that the then mpaign for gay marriage “tentnally and malicly eras and exclus so many queer people and cultur, particularly trans and genr non-nformg people, poor queer people, and queer people non-tradnal fai… marriage thks non-married people are viant and not tly servg of civil rights. Gay marriage is ntrary to the word of God and is patible wh the beliefs, sacred texts, and tradns of many relig groups.

The Bible, Levic 18:22, stat: “Thou shalt not lie wh mankd, as wh womankd: is abomatn, ” th nmng homosexual relatnships. Two orthodox Jewish groups, the Orthodox Agudath Israel of Ameri and the Orthodox Unn, also oppose gay marriage, as do mastream Islam. In Islamic tradn, several hadhs (passag attributed to the Prophet Muhammad) nmn gay and lbian relatnships, cludg the saygs “When a man mounts another man, the throne of God shak, ” and “Sihaq [lbian sex] of women is za [illegimate sexual terurse].