Two Gay Guys Walk Into a Car Dealership | Vany Fair

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• TWO GAY GUYS WALK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIPBY BRETT BERKAPRIL 13, 2010SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEMY BT IEND COL NEEDS A NEW R. HIS CURRENT RI, A 1999 VW PASSAT WAGON, ISN’T AD. IN FACT ’S STILL NNG STRONG, AND ’S THE RIGHT SIZE FOR TRANSPORTG HIM AND HIS BOYIEND AND ALL THEIR CRAP—AS WELL AS HIS ADORABLE P BULL/BOXER MIX, WALLY—BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE CY AND HIS HOE UPSTATE NEARLY EVERY WEEKEND OF THE YEAR. BUT COL HAS BEEN GETTG CREASGLY SICK OF THE R FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS AS LTLE, BUT ANNOYG, STUFF ON HAS STARTED TO FAIL. AND EVERY SO OFTEN, A GENTLEMAN NEEDS A CHANGE, IF JT TO FEEL ALIVE. THE PROBLEM IS, COL HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST. ACTUALLY, THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST, BUT WORKS THE PUBLISHG DTRY WHICH, AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, IS MORED TO GO THE WAY OF THE HABERDASHERY DTRY AT ANY MOMENT, SO ’S NOT THE BT TIME TO BLOW HIS WAD ON A FANCY VEHICLE. HAVG SEEN SOME OF THE SPERATE, CARMAGEDDON-SPIRED TO MANUFACTURER PROMOTNS THAT ARE CURRENTLY LTERG THE AIRWAV, AND FOLLOWG MY RECSN-IENDLY IDM, DOWNSIZG IS THE NEW UPSLE, HE CID WOULD BE BT TO LEASE AN EXPENSIVE VEHICLE FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS WHILE SAVG UP FOR WHAT HE LLS HIS “GOAL WAGON”—AN AUDI, MERCES, OR VOLVO—WHEN/IF THE ENOMY IMPROV AND HIS JOB/LIFE FEELS MORE SECURE. TAKE A FLAILG STAB AT GUSG WHICH TOMOTIVE JOURNALIST WAS TAGGED TO HELP MR. FANCYPANTS HIS UNATTAABLE QUT FOR A PLETELY SATISFYG, SUB-STANDARD VEHICLE? LIKE LNS OF OTHER AMERINS—AS WELL AS SOME “WILDG” TEENS—WE BEGAN OUR SEARCH AT THE NEW YORK AUTO SHOW. HERE, I TOOK COL AND HIS BF ON A TOUR OF ABOUT A DOZEN VEHICL THAT ULD POTENTIALLY MEET HIS NEEDS, RS THAT WERE EXPENSIVE, ACCEPTABLY STYLISH (OR AT LEAST “STYLISH”), ENOMIL, BIG ENOUGH FOR WALLY TO STAND UP THE RGO HOLD, AND NOT OM A BRAND COL FOUND “TACKY, PRSG, OR EMBARRASSG.” I WAS ALSO PULLED TOWARD THE EXHIBS OM SOME OF THE MASSPIRATNAL EUROPEAN BRANDS MENTNED ABOVE, SO MY IEND ULD LEER AT AND N HIS HANDS OVER THE SCTIVE FLANKS OF HIS POTENTIAL FUTURE SLEDS. REALTORS OFTEN E THE TRICK OF SHOWG YOU A DUMPY PLACE WH YOUR PRICE RANGE AS A WAY OF ENURAGG YOU TO MAKE THE JUMP UP TO A HIGHER AND MORE SATISFYG LEVEL. THE REVERSE DO NOT WORK R SHOPPG. AFTER EVERY FORD OR MAZDA I POTED OUT, COL WOULD GROAN AND SAY THGS LIKE, “I JT HATE TO PAY FOR SOMETHG THAT WON’T SATISFY ME. IT’S LIKE BUYG CHEAP CLOTHG.” HE ALSO DID A LOT OF PUTTG HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND SNEERG.WE ULTIMATELY END UP NARROWG OUR LIST TO ABOUT FIVE VEHICL, A MIX OF WAGONS, HATCHBACKS, AND SMALL S.U.V.-LIKE “CROSSOVERS”—R-BASED, TALL WAGONS SIGNED TO SATE AMERIN’S SIRE FOR VERSATILY, RGO ROOM, AND CENT GAS EAGE, WHILE GLOSSG OVER THEIR ENMIC AVERSN TO ANYTHG THAT SMACKS OF THEIR WAGON-Y CHILDHOODS. THEN WE MA APPOTMENTS AT SOME MID-MARKET ALERS. ADD TO THE AGENDA AT THE LAST MUTE BY MY B.F.F. WAS A TRIP TO THE VOLVO STORE MANHATTAN FOR A TT DRIVE OF THEIR ADORABLE V50 WAGON. NOT ONLY WAS THIS THE FIRST STOP OF THE DAY, TH GUARANTEEG THAT EVERY VEHICLE WE DROVE AFTER WOULD BE PARED TO (NEGATIVELY), BUT TURNED OUT THAT THE SILVER MOL WE TTED WAS ONE OF THE LAST ON THE ENTIRE NORTHEAST, NOT GOOD FOR A NSUMER WH A CID PETIVE STREAK. EVEN WORSE, WHEN WE RETURNED OM A QUICK LOOP AROUND THE WT SI, THERE WAS ANOTHER PAIR OF QUEENS WAG TO TAKE THE LTLE SWE FOR A SP. “WE’RE BUYG !” COL SHOUTED OVER HIS SHOULR AT THE OTHER UPLE. FORTUNATELY, I TALKED HIM OUT OF THIS, (AS DID THE LEASE PRICE, WHICH WAS ABOUT TWICE HIS BUDGET.)NEXT STOP WAS THE HONDA ALER, WHERE WE CHECKED OUT A NEW PIANO-BLACK ACRD CROSSTOUR—SENTIALLY A BIG-ASSED, JACKED-UP, FIVE-DOOR VERSN OF THEIR ETERNALLY POPULAR SEDAN—AND A DARK BLUE CR-V—THE MOST POPULAR SMALL S.U.V. AMERI. THE CROSSTOUR WAS IMMEDIATELY LED OUT AS TOO RICH, AS WAS NOT CLUD UNR THE UMBRELLA OF HONDA’S $0/$0/$0/$0 LEASE PROMOTN, WHICH ALLEGEDLY ALLOWS YOU TO LEAVE THE ALERSHIP A NEW R WHOUT PUTTG ANY MONEY DOWN—HENCE ALL THOSE ZERO. THE CR-V, ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS EMED ACCEPTABLE AND ROOMY, BUT SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH R FOR A GUY WHOUT ANY COST TRIPS TO MAKE OR KIDS TO SHUFFLE OFF TO QIGONG PRACTICE. ALSO, S POPULARY WORKED AGAST . “WHY WOULD I WANT THE SAME R EVERYONE ELSE HAS?” MY IEND ASKED. (BEE ’S A HIGHLY RATED, SATISFYG, ROOMY, AFFORDABLE VEHICLE, DID NOT REALLY RATE AS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER.) THIS WAS PROBABLY NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO TRY AND NVCE HIM OF THE MERS OF TTG A PLEBEIAN-SEEMG CHEVROLET EQUOX, ONE OF THE CR-V’S EXCELLENT DOMTIC PETORS, BUT I MA A SE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE EQUOX IS SO WELL REGARD—CHEVROLET IS SELLG EVERY SGLE ONE THEY BUILD—THAT THERE ARE NO PROMOTNS AVAILABLE ON , RENRG LEASE-UNIENDLY, THE PARLANCE. “I N'T BELIEVE I N'T EVEN AFFORD MY STUPID CRAPPY FALL-BACK R!” COL SHOUTED.WE HEAD OUT TO OUR FAL STOP, A VW ALER CENTRAL JERSEY, FEELG A B FEATED. NOT HELPG MATTERS MUCH, I REALIZED A B LATE, WAS THE FACT THAT WE WERE NDUCTG THIS ENTIRE TOUR A $70,000 JAGUAR XF SC, THE LEATHER-LED, ALUMUM-TRIMMED, HIGH-OUTPUT, BOOMGLY-STEREOED, LUBE-SLICK VERSN OF ONE OF MY TOP 5 RS OM 2009. AS WE DROVE THROUGH SUBURBAN HELL, COL RAN HIS HAND LONGGLY OVER THE JAG’S EXQUISE, FRENCH-STCHED, W-HI DASH. “I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A KIA MIVAN OR SOMETHG FOR THIS TRIP,” I OFFERED. HE SIMPLY SIGHED.FORTUNATELY, THE VW ALER DID NOT DISAPPOT. HE FOUND A JETTA SPORTWAGON A LOVELY SHA OF METALLIC NIGHT-SKY BLUE WH ALL THE OPTNS THAT COL ULD REALISTILLY AFFORD—BLUETOOTH NNECTIVY FOR HIS CELL PHONE, A SUNROOF, A CENT STEREO—FOR $0 DOWN (SAVE TAX AND FE), AND A REALISTIC MONTHLY PRICE. HE EVEN OFFERED A CENT AMOUNT OF SH FOR TRA ON THE OLD PASSAT, LIKELY THE RULT OF SOME BRAND-LOYALTY PROGRAM. WILL COL BE HAPPY? BEFORE SIGNG PAPERS HE HAD ME SUR THE INTER FOR EXAMPL OF CLEAN, LOW-EAGE, TWO YEAR-OLD AUDI, MERCES, AND VOLVO WAGONS, SO MY GUS IS, PROBABLY NOT. BUT I’M WILLG TO BET THAT HE’LL BE SATISFIED. AND THE LEASE HE’S SIGNG HAS A SET TERM, ALLOWG A CLEAR END-DATE FOR PG FOR HIS GOAL WAGON.BRETT BERK WR GAILY ABOUT CULTURE, POLICS, AND RS FOR , AND IS THE THOR OF THE GAY UNCLE’S GUI TO PARENTG. VIS HIM AT OR FOLLOW HIM ON TWTER.MOST POPULARPRCE HARRY AND MEGAN MARKLE H BEYONCE SHOW IN LABY EVE BATEYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANJENNA ORTEGA REILS AT JOHNNY DEPP DATG RUMORS BY EVE BATEYBRETT BERK

TWO GAY GUYS WALK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIPBY BRETT BERKAPRIL 13, 2010SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEMY BT IEND COL NEEDS A NEW R. HIS CURRENT RI, A 1999 VW PASSAT WAGON, ISN’T AD. IN FACT ’S STILL NNG STRONG, AND ’S THE RIGHT SIZE FOR TRANSPORTG HIM AND HIS BOYIEND AND ALL THEIR CRAP—AS WELL AS HIS ADORABLE P BULL/BOXER MIX, WALLY—BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE CY AND HIS HOE UPSTATE NEARLY EVERY WEEKEND OF THE YEAR. BUT COL HAS BEEN GETTG CREASGLY SICK OF THE R FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS AS LTLE, BUT ANNOYG, STUFF ON HAS STARTED TO FAIL. AND EVERY SO OFTEN, A GENTLEMAN NEEDS A CHANGE, IF JT TO FEEL ALIVE. THE PROBLEM IS, COL HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST. ACTUALLY, THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST, BUT WORKS THE PUBLISHG DTRY WHICH, AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, IS MORED TO GO THE WAY OF THE HABERDASHERY DTRY AT ANY MOMENT, SO ’S NOT THE BT TIME TO BLOW HIS WAD ON A FANCY VEHICLE. HAVG SEEN SOME OF THE SPERATE, CARMAGEDDON-SPIRED TO MANUFACTURER PROMOTNS THAT ARE CURRENTLY LTERG THE AIRWAV, AND FOLLOWG MY RECSN-IENDLY IDM, DOWNSIZG IS THE NEW UPSLE, HE CID WOULD BE BT TO LEASE AN EXPENSIVE VEHICLE FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS WHILE SAVG UP FOR WHAT HE LLS HIS “GOAL WAGON”—AN AUDI, MERCES, OR VOLVO—WHEN/IF THE ENOMY IMPROV AND HIS JOB/LIFE FEELS MORE SECURE. TAKE A FLAILG STAB AT GUSG WHICH TOMOTIVE JOURNALIST WAS TAGGED TO HELP MR. FANCYPANTS HIS UNATTAABLE QUT FOR A PLETELY SATISFYG, SUB-STANDARD VEHICLE? LIKE LNS OF OTHER AMERINS—AS WELL AS SOME “WILDG” TEENS—WE BEGAN OUR SEARCH AT THE NEW YORK AUTO SHOW. HERE, I TOOK COL AND HIS BF ON A TOUR OF ABOUT A DOZEN VEHICL THAT ULD POTENTIALLY MEET HIS NEEDS, RS THAT WERE EXPENSIVE, ACCEPTABLY STYLISH (OR AT LEAST “STYLISH”), ENOMIL, BIG ENOUGH FOR WALLY TO STAND UP THE RGO HOLD, AND NOT OM A BRAND COL FOUND “TACKY, PRSG, OR EMBARRASSG.” I WAS ALSO PULLED TOWARD THE EXHIBS OM SOME OF THE MASSPIRATNAL EUROPEAN BRANDS MENTNED ABOVE, SO MY IEND ULD LEER AT AND N HIS HANDS OVER THE SCTIVE FLANKS OF HIS POTENTIAL FUTURE SLEDS. REALTORS OFTEN E THE TRICK OF SHOWG YOU A DUMPY PLACE WH YOUR PRICE RANGE AS A WAY OF ENURAGG YOU TO MAKE THE JUMP UP TO A HIGHER AND MORE SATISFYG LEVEL. THE REVERSE DO NOT WORK R SHOPPG. AFTER EVERY FORD OR MAZDA I POTED OUT, COL WOULD GROAN AND SAY THGS LIKE, “I JT HATE TO PAY FOR SOMETHG THAT WON’T SATISFY ME. IT’S LIKE BUYG CHEAP CLOTHG.” HE ALSO DID A LOT OF PUTTG HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND SNEERG.WE ULTIMATELY END UP NARROWG OUR LIST TO ABOUT FIVE VEHICL, A MIX OF WAGONS, HATCHBACKS, AND SMALL S.U.V.-LIKE “CROSSOVERS”—R-BASED, TALL WAGONS SIGNED TO SATE AMERIN’S SIRE FOR VERSATILY, RGO ROOM, AND CENT GAS EAGE, WHILE GLOSSG OVER THEIR ENMIC AVERSN TO ANYTHG THAT SMACKS OF THEIR WAGON-Y CHILDHOODS. THEN WE MA APPOTMENTS AT SOME MID-MARKET ALERS. ADD TO THE AGENDA AT THE LAST MUTE BY MY B.F.F. WAS A TRIP TO THE VOLVO STORE MANHATTAN FOR A TT DRIVE OF THEIR ADORABLE V50 WAGON. NOT ONLY WAS THIS THE FIRST STOP OF THE DAY, TH GUARANTEEG THAT EVERY VEHICLE WE DROVE AFTER WOULD BE PARED TO (NEGATIVELY), BUT TURNED OUT THAT THE SILVER MOL WE TTED WAS ONE OF THE LAST ON THE ENTIRE NORTHEAST, NOT GOOD FOR A NSUMER WH A CID PETIVE STREAK. EVEN WORSE, WHEN WE RETURNED OM A QUICK LOOP AROUND THE WT SI, THERE WAS ANOTHER PAIR OF QUEENS WAG TO TAKE THE LTLE SWE FOR A SP. “WE’RE BUYG !” COL SHOUTED OVER HIS SHOULR AT THE OTHER UPLE. FORTUNATELY, I TALKED HIM OUT OF THIS, (AS DID THE LEASE PRICE, WHICH WAS ABOUT TWICE HIS BUDGET.)NEXT STOP WAS THE HONDA ALER, WHERE WE CHECKED OUT A NEW PIANO-BLACK ACRD CROSSTOUR—SENTIALLY A BIG-ASSED, JACKED-UP, FIVE-DOOR VERSN OF THEIR ETERNALLY POPULAR SEDAN—AND A DARK BLUE CR-V—THE MOST POPULAR SMALL S.U.V. AMERI. THE CROSSTOUR WAS IMMEDIATELY LED OUT AS TOO RICH, AS WAS NOT CLUD UNR THE UMBRELLA OF HONDA’S $0/$0/$0/$0 LEASE PROMOTN, WHICH ALLEGEDLY ALLOWS YOU TO LEAVE THE ALERSHIP A NEW R WHOUT PUTTG ANY MONEY DOWN—HENCE ALL THOSE ZERO. THE CR-V, ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS EMED ACCEPTABLE AND ROOMY, BUT SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH R FOR A GUY WHOUT ANY COST TRIPS TO MAKE OR KIDS TO SHUFFLE OFF TO QIGONG PRACTICE. ALSO, S POPULARY WORKED AGAST . “WHY WOULD I WANT THE SAME R EVERYONE ELSE HAS?” MY IEND ASKED. (BEE ’S A HIGHLY RATED, SATISFYG, ROOMY, AFFORDABLE VEHICLE, DID NOT REALLY RATE AS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER.) THIS WAS PROBABLY NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO TRY AND NVCE HIM OF THE MERS OF TTG A PLEBEIAN-SEEMG CHEVROLET EQUOX, ONE OF THE CR-V’S EXCELLENT DOMTIC PETORS, BUT I MA A SE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE EQUOX IS SO WELL REGARD—CHEVROLET IS SELLG EVERY SGLE ONE THEY BUILD—THAT THERE ARE NO PROMOTNS AVAILABLE ON , RENRG LEASE-UNIENDLY, THE PARLANCE. “I N'T BELIEVE I N'T EVEN AFFORD MY STUPID CRAPPY FALL-BACK R!” COL SHOUTED.WE HEAD OUT TO OUR FAL STOP, A VW ALER CENTRAL JERSEY, FEELG A B FEATED. NOT HELPG MATTERS MUCH, I REALIZED A B LATE, WAS THE FACT THAT WE WERE NDUCTG THIS ENTIRE TOUR A $70,000 JAGUAR XF SC, THE LEATHER-LED, ALUMUM-TRIMMED, HIGH-OUTPUT, BOOMGLY-STEREOED, LUBE-SLICK VERSN OF ONE OF MY TOP 5 RS OM 2009. AS WE DROVE THROUGH SUBURBAN HELL, COL RAN HIS HAND LONGGLY OVER THE JAG’S EXQUISE, FRENCH-STCHED, W-HI DASH. “I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A KIA MIVAN OR SOMETHG FOR THIS TRIP,” I OFFERED. HE SIMPLY SIGHED.FORTUNATELY, THE VW ALER DID NOT DISAPPOT. HE FOUND A JETTA SPORTWAGON A LOVELY SHA OF METALLIC NIGHT-SKY BLUE WH ALL THE OPTNS THAT COL ULD REALISTILLY AFFORD—BLUETOOTH NNECTIVY FOR HIS CELL PHONE, A SUNROOF, A CENT STEREO—FOR $0 DOWN (SAVE TAX AND FE), AND A REALISTIC MONTHLY PRICE. HE EVEN OFFERED A CENT AMOUNT OF SH FOR TRA ON THE OLD PASSAT, LIKELY THE RULT OF SOME BRAND-LOYALTY PROGRAM. WILL COL BE HAPPY? BEFORE SIGNG PAPERS HE HAD ME SUR THE INTER FOR EXAMPL OF CLEAN, LOW-EAGE, TWO YEAR-OLD AUDI, MERCES, AND VOLVO WAGONS, SO MY GUS IS, PROBABLY NOT. BUT I’M WILLG TO BET THAT HE’LL BE SATISFIED. AND THE LEASE HE’S SIGNG HAS A SET TERM, ALLOWG A CLEAR END-DATE FOR PG FOR HIS GOAL WAGON.BRETT BERK WR GAILY ABOUT CULTURE, POLICS, AND RS FOR , AND IS THE THOR OF THE GAY UNCLE’S GUI TO PARENTG. VIS HIM AT OR FOLLOW HIM ON TWTER.MOST POPULARPRCE HARRY AND MEGAN MARKLE H BEYONCE SHOW IN LABY EVE BATEYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANJENNA ORTEGA REILS AT JOHNNY DEPP DATG RUMORS BY EVE BATEYBRETT BERK

04/28/200402:46Unemployed Men Havg Sex Wh Each OtherSouth ParkS8 E7Stan propos that stead of tryg to turn everyone gay to stroy the future of mankd, maybe everyone n jt try to build a better future. 04/28/200401:33Gay For AmeriSouth ParkS8 E7The prent day workers figure if they n get everyone the prent to turn gay, nobody will have any children, and then the future will never happen.