When Your Child Is Gay | Psychology Today

Contents:

• 5 THGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN ABOUT RAISG A GAY CHILD
• PARENTG A GAY CHILD
• HAVG A GAY KID ISN'T EASY
• PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE
• HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS
• FOR GAY MEN, HAVG A BLOGIL CHILD N BE PLITED
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY

5 THGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN ABOUT RAISG A GAY CHILD

We did right by her; thank you, lnchg a kickstarter fundraisg mpaign for "Lovg Pearl, " a book I wrote about raisg my gay child, some have told me how “lucky” my dghter is that we accepted her.

I’ve met several people who have thanked me for havg the urage to wre the book, cludg parents, a few teachers, a pastor and other gay youth who weren’t so “lucky. But providg support isn't always easy — pecially if you are the parent of a lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr or qutng (LGBTQ) child. Advote for a gay-straight alliance (GSA), which has been shown to make schools safer and boost amic performance among LGBTQ stunts.

PARENTG A GAY CHILD

Team up wh a pediatrician, a unselor at school, close fay members and even muny anizatns — for example, Parents, Fai and Friends of Lbians and Gays (PFLAG) — if you’re havg trouble gog alone. Others may be ncerned that sgle men or gay male upl would have a harr time adoptg jt bee they are men, but this may not be te.

“For gay male sgl/upl, we have particularly easier the matchg procs, as there is no other mom 'replacg' the child’s birth mother and often get chosen quicker. I grew up outsi of New York Cy, the meltg pot, attend llege and worked New York, yet when I found out my son, Jam, age 13, was gay, I reverted to "not my backyard. When I terviewed straight parents for When Your Child Is Gay, they ed words such as fear, shock, helplsns, strs, and extreme sadns to scribe their experienc wh nial.

HAVG A GAY KID ISN'T EASY

Why do parents who are normally acceptg of their children go to the nial zone upon learng that their child is gay, bisexual, even transgenr? However, be sure you pick a gay-iendly one om an anizatn such as the Amerin Associatn of Psychiatrists that has a divisn of gay therapists om which to choose.

They will be empathetic and unrstandg and turn will ntribute to your unrstandg of what means to be the parent of a gay child.

I uldn't be around people who judged me, thought beg gay was a "liftyle" that uld be changed or thought that homosexualy was wrong. You may say that parentg is parentg, but the straight parent of a gay child has to al wh addnal issu such as bullyg, possible low self-teem of their child, discrimatn, to name a few.

PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE

The gay child has most likely gone through the same issu that you are now experiencg: nial, fear, guilt, shame, anger, loss, to arrive at acceptance. Many of the straight parents I terviewed for When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know exprsed havg felt disappotment learng that their child was LGBT.

HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS

Richard told me, "Perhaps if every parent toyed wh the possibily that any of their children uld be gay, would change the way they raise their children. "It is rare to work wh parents of a gay child who have not stggled wh the feelg of loss at some pot the procs of acceptg their child as gay, " my -thor, Jonathan Tobk, M. " Yet Tobk has found that "gay people tell you they are happy wh who they are and feel that they have emerged on the other si of g out as strong, sensive, and rilient dividuals.

However, she uldn't label that feelg until she was eighteen and realized she was a youth fellowship, she asked her lear why homosexualy was nsired sful. The teacher, who seemed unfortable wh the qutn, uldn't answer Marilyn, but when Marilyn graduated om high school, the teacher gave her a book wh biblil passag about homosexualy.

FOR GAY MEN, HAVG A BLOGIL CHILD N BE PLITED

Another girl her high school was spected of beg a lbian, and mors foced on that girl--not Marilyn, who was relieved although she felt a tge of guilt for not sharg the bnt of the homophobic slurs. However, n take time to digt new rmatn, and a child troducg her sexualy to fay and iends n expect the bt rults if she approach the topic as rpectfully as are some exampl of qutns or nversatn starters you n e wh your child to monstrate that you are terted this aspect of his life and are not ashamed of havg a gay child. A ntral, nonjudgmental way to iate this nversatn is to say somethg such as, "It's so great that, this day and age, gay people n have all of the thgs their liv that straight people n have, like legal marriage and fai of their own.

Parents of gay children may be shocked when their kids e out of the closet, but once the dt settl, most parents realize that their child is the same one they have loved and red for all their liv, they jt happen to be gay. And while parental acceptance is one hurdle for a gay child, there are many other issu facg gay kids and their parents.

It may be that the child bucks tradnal genr stereotyp or they may not show attentn to the oppose sex; but are the signs of a gay child? So, for example, boys that play wh dolls and have primarily girliends or girls who are tomboys and prefer to play wh guns may have an creased likelihood of growg up to be gay.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

There also appears to be a relatnship where the more a child shows genr-nonnformg characteristics, the greater the chance that they may grow up to be gay. While knowg your child is gay may help you ease the transn to adulthood, 's cril to remember that a gay child is jt a child like any other and a parent of gay child is jt a parent, like any other. When a child first out to their parents as eher beg gay or havg same-sex attractn, their ial rpons are ually the wrong on, says Chris Doyle, a psychotherapist who specializ York Cy gay pri para crowd this undated photo.

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

"Sce homosexualy is beg more wily accepted Amerin society, an creasg number of teens who experience SSA are intifyg as gay. They believe that if you experience same-sex attractns, then you're gay, " Doyle told the negative rpons parents have, acrdg to Doyle, are avoidg the issue by barrg their child om talkg about SSA or their gay inty; believg that 's a passg phase; or threateng to kick their olr teen or 20-somethg child out of the hoe. "We know, our clil rearch over the last 25 years, that fay culture, environment and other non-blogil factors play a signifint role the velopment of same-sex attractn, " he asserted, addg that parents shouldn't seek therapy as an attempt to change their the book, Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Fay Healg, wrten by Richard Cohen, executive director of IHF, Doyle said 12 prcipl are discsed to help fai navigate through SSA and s .

"Regardg sleepovers and big life events such as parents' attendg a child's same-sex weddg ceremony, Doyle suggted that parents treat their homosexual child the same as they would their heterosexual the se of sleepovers, parents should mata the same standards for every child and not allow their gay intified or SSA child to have somone they're attracted to spend the night wh them. "The same l should apply to heterosexual upl and homosexual upl, " he when down to attendg a child's gay weddg ceremony, Doyle suggted that attendg the ceremony don't necsarily reflect that the parents agree wh same-sex marriage, their prence merely shows their love for their child.

The procs tak about two years and sts around $200, 000 per child - and prospective gay fathers don't meet eligibily creria for most health surance plans' fertily benefs, although this is begng to change.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

Brent Monsr, MD, recently helped lead a study to document tails of how gay men e assisted reproductive technology to build their fai, cludg qutns such as how many children they wish to have and how often their efforts succeed. Your paper giv historil ntext for how shiftg attus toward LGBTQ fai have changed the climate for gay men who want to bee fathers.

Cisgenr gay men are almost never clud this rearch, so as physicians we don't know anythg about their characteristics as reproductive health patients, even basic rmatn such as their mographics, clil cisn-makg patterns or out. That gave a wdow to a natnal group of 119 cisgenr men, cludg five sgle men and 57 gay upl, who uniquely had fertily benefs. It's important to keep md that our data reflect the experienc of dividuals who n afford reproductive medil re bee their employer-sponsored fertily benefs ver , and that is still an unual suatn for gay men.

This data served as the foundatn for a grant applitn we've jt had approved to nduct a much larger populatn study that will give accs to rmatn on about 2, 000 embryo transfers annually gay men.

WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY

A lot of people see a fertily doctor bee they have an unrlyg medil issue, whereas gay male upl ually have two possible sperm sourc, a young egg donor and a gtatnal rrier who has already had succsful pregnanci.

I thk that, bee of the medil factors, birth rat for gay upl uld serve as a morn standard for evaluatg the succs of IVF labs.

We regnize that this may be bee a lot of gay men requt tws or may ultimately want two children, and fertily doctors may be transferrg two embryos to try to save their patients money so they only have to go through the fertily treatment procs once. But we need to ask: Are we puttg gtatnal rriers at unnecsary risk om tw pregnanci, and puttg gay upl at unnecsary risk of havg babi the NICU? What do add to have physician-scientists like you, who are gay, answerg rearch qutns about this populatn of prospective parents?