What Did They Love Me For?</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="How do whens shape our romantic liv? At a party for gay Asian men and their whe male "admirers," Jam Han Mattson nsirs the heavily racialized world of datg. " /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="Shortly after I me out, I unwtgly went to a party for gay Asian men and the whe men who fetishized . My life would never really be the same aga. " /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="Books" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2021-09-27T13:11:19Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2021-09-27T12:00:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="When I was a hman llege, a iend of me took me to a hoe party near downtown Mneapolis. I didn’t thk much of at the time—beg neteen, I seized any opportuny to drk un-rd—but after we arrived, I fot about the booze. 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We may earn a missn om the lks.</span></p></div><style data-emotn="css joveom">{width:100%;max-width:100vw;display:grid;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;z-x:to;}@media prt{{max-width:100%;}} .ejku7p03{top:0.75rem;right:0.75rem;bottom:to;}</style><hear class="css-joveom exadjwu12"><style data-emotn="css 1lr08az">{grid-lumn:1/-1;text-align:center;}</style><div class="css-1lr08az e12wtocy0"><style data-emotn="css mktybr">{marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;text-align:center;}@media(m-width: 64rem){[data-has-sponsor] {text-align:start;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.9375rem 1.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0 1.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-mktybr exadjwu4"><nav aria-label="breadcmbs" class="css-0 e9l0kn03"><style data-emotn="css 4j90ja">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.3;list-style:none;marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg:1.25rem 1.25rem 0 1.6875rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:1.25rem 2.5rem 0 3.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg:1.25rem 0 0 0.8125rem;}}</style><ol emSpe emType=" class="css-4j90ja e9l0kn02"><style data-emotn="css zxq36b">{display:le;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><style data-emotn="css rg26">{-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}{lor:#000000;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 10asp0m">{-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}{lor:#000000;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Entertament" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Entertament</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="1" /></li><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Books" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Books</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li><style data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/a37710731/racial-fetishism-asian-men/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="What Did They Love Me For?" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">What Did They Love Me For?</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>What Did They Love Me For?<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>Shortly after I me out, I unwtgly went to a party for gay Asian men and the whe men who fetishized . My life would never really be the same aga. </p></div><style data-emotn="css 18k4ks7">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-18k4ks7 exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 1eqkg5m">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-style:normal;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><addrs class="css-1eqkg5m ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 19e0noj">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-19e0noj ehvvd9m1"><style data-emotn="css 1sa04t">{borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;marg-right:0.3125rem;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" tle="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" width="40" height="40" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" class=" css-1sa04t ehvvd9m0" />By <style data-emotn="css 7l5upj">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/231272/jam-han-mattson/" class="css-7l5upj e1c1bym14">Jam Han Mattson</a></span><style data-emotn="css 1bcsdhu">{display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-left:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><time class="css-1bcsdhu exadjwu6">Published: Sep 27, 2021</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 1mi99c5">{background-lor:#FF3A30;lor:#000000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;marg-top:0rem;marg-bottom:0rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;paddg-top:0.85rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;width:to;borr-radi:2rem;background:#FF3A30;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;letter-spacg:0.04rem;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;cursor:poter;borr:th solid #FF3A30;} svg{fill:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{marg-left:1rem;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{outle:0.125rem dotted #000000;outle-offset:0.2rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><button data-tooltip-id="article-hear-save" class="ntentSaveButton css-1mi99c5 e12nq69g1"><style data-emotn="css 7g4d0s">{width:1rem;height:1rem;marg-right:0.625rem;} path{fill:#ffffff;} path{fill:#ffffff;}</style><svg xmlns=" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 48 62" class="css-7g4d0s e10k4xbi2"><path fill="#000" fill-le="evenodd" d="M24 46.52 48 61V0H0v61.44l24-14.92ZM5.67 50.9 24 39.5l18.33 11.4V5.7H5.67v45.2Z" clip-le="evenodd"></path></svg>Save Article</button><style data-emotn="css 13tt5c6">{width:160px;text-align:left;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;letter-spacg:0.045rem;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.1;lor:#595959;text-transform:none;}</style></div></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css k008qs">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;}</style><div class="css-k008qs ewisyje0"><style data-emotn="css 7ce51e">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:lc(100vw - 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50vw);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead-image css-sm2oir e5f9kgu2"><style data-emotn="css eag3eq">{posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div class="css-eag3eq e5f9kgu1"><style data-emotn="css 335qep">{posn:relative;width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;vertil-align:top;}</style><img fetchPrry="high" alt="jam han mattson" tle="jam han mattson" width="2000" height="1000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-335qep exi4f7p0" /></div><style data-emotn="css 285vyd">{le-height:1;}@media(max-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0;}}</style><figptn class="css-285vyd enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 1mcfn5x">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-right:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Elae Chung</span></figptn></div></div><style data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css am5pt0">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">When I was a hman llege, a iend of me took me to a hoe party near downtown Mneapolis. I didn’t thk much of at the time—beg neteen, I seized any opportuny to drk un-rd—but after we arrived, I fot about the booze. The group was entirely male: about 90% Asian, most their twenti, the rt whe and signifintly olr. The were hawkish yet clumsy men who lumbered om Asian guy to Asian guy, leerg, while the Asian men giggled, or flirted, or acted strangely grateful. Some of the Asian men danced. Some stood at the perimeter, asssg. All of them, seemed, were vyg for the attentn of the olr whe men. </p><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I got a beer, avoid eye ntact, and when I returned to my iend, a fellow gay Asian guy, I leaned and said, “What <em>is </em>this?”</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="2" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1643r8a">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:0rem;}</style><asi class="css-1643r8a e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css l3w2xc">{display:le-block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;borr-top:0.25rem solid #15263D;paddg-right:1.1rem;paddg-top:0.4375rem;text-transform:lowerse;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;}</style><h6 class="css-l3w2xc e6pr2lz3"><style data-emotn="css 156fvc1">{borr-bottom:0.4375rem solid #FF3A30;borr-right:0.4375rem solid transparent;ntent:'';display:le-block;height:0;marg-right:0.5rem;width:0;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-156fvc1 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Related Stori</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css 79zw4t">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;paddg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:1.4;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;}</style><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/liftyle/a36881723/gay-asian-amerin-men-inty-qutn/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="gay asian amerin men" tle="The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/news-polics/a36557765/asian-amerin-iny-language-assimialtn-reclamatn/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="asian amerin language" tle="Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/entertament/books/a36448936/amy-tan-pbs-documentary-terview-untend-memoir/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="amy tan" tle="Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “It’s an Asian group,” he said. “For Asians and their admirers.”</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “And all the admirers are old whe guys?”</p><p data-no-id="5" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> He shgged, drank. “I gus,” he said. </p><p data-no-id="6" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I felt, for a moment, unmoored. Though I’d told him I didn’t re where we went, jt that I wanted to drk, I hadn’t expected to be thst to such a d environment, one wh a clear race and age divi. As we mgled, I felt sctized, an obv newbie, so I stayed close to my iend. </p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“Relax,” he said. “You’re actg weird.”</p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I breathed ep, took ep swigs of my beer. </p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He troduced me to a group of guys, all Asian, and I sed, chatted, gave perfunctory answers to perfunctory qutns. When my iend exced himself to go to the bathroom, I tried to jo the nversatn—y, Madonna <em>was </em>amazg, and no, I <em>hadn’t </em>heard the new sgle—but beme very clear very quickly that I still languished the land of perfunctory rpons. The group, disapprovg, turned abptly exclive, and I found myself alone, feelg dreadfully nspicuo.</p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> Then, a savr.</p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">A man me up to me. A whe man thrice my age. He said, “Let me gus, Che.”</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> My stomach dropped.</p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “Well you’re not Vietname or Indonian or Thai—you’re too big. Japane? No. Too thick. Not Korean eher bee your face isn’t…hmm. Mongolian?”</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="14" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css ow0dpz">{borr:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:100%;ntent:'';display:block;height:2.1875rem;left:50%;marg:-0.99rem to 0 -1.33rem;posn:absolute;width:2.1875rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css la9czl">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}{ntent:'"';display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:3.4375rem;le-height:0.72;font-style:alic;paddg:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;}</style><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">External expectatn mand that I not only know but love the exoticism attached to my exterr.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="15" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I looked toward the bathroom, willg my iend to e back.</p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “I’m right, aren’t I,” the man said.</p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “I’m Korean,” I said.</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “You’re <em>not</em>,” he said. “Oh my god. But yeah, I see now. God, I <em>love </em>Koreans. The food, the culture. Amazg.”</p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I flhed. The nversatns embarrassed me. I was a Korean adoptee, raised North Dakota by whe parents; I had yet to unrstand what beg Korean actually meant. External expectatn, however, mand that I not only know but love the exoticism attached to my exterr, so while I’d experienced plenty of the nversatns before, they still felt shockgly h every time they occurred. What <em>are </em>you? the people implored. Oh you’re <em>that</em>? I <em>love </em>that! Let me tell you how much I know about you. Let me <em>pliment </em>you bee you’re <em>that. </em>Feel wele bee I unrstand you! Feel imprsed by my knowledge! Feel honored that I’ve studied you! Your kd is <em>amazg!</em></p><style data-emotn="css 18pb4rg">{borr:0;borr-bottom:th solid black;marg:1.875rem 0;clear:both;}</style><hr data-no-id="20" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="21" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0"> In high school, I remember watchg a <em>Sefeld</em> episo tled "The Che Woman." In , Jerry, after gettg off the phone wh a woman named Donna Chang (who, ’s revealed, is actually a blond woman om Long Island named Donna Changste), adms to likg Che women. Elae lls him out, tells him that what he’s said is a b racist. He rponds by sayg, “If I like their race, how n that be racist?”</p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Back then, I agreed wh this sentiment. Racism was about hate, I thought, not love, so if Jerry profsed a sire for this particular race, how <em>uld </em> be racist? If your feelgs were posive, how <em>uld </em>they be offensive? People had preferenc. Some liked blonds, some bt, some tall, some short—so what was the difference if someone preferred Che people?</p><style data-emotn="css 8c6v">{posn:absolute;left:-10000px;top:to;width:1px;height:1px;overflow:hidn;}</style><div data-ad-exclu class="css-8c6v ehha8ut0">This ntent is imported om youTube. You may be able to fd the same ntent another format, or you may be able to fd more rmatn, at their web se.</div><style data-emotn="css 9angbx">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;m-height:299px;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{m-height:163px;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{m-height:252px;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{m-height:347px;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:299px;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{m-height:344px;}}</style><div data-embed="youtube" data-no-id="23" class="embed align-center css-9angbx exa3d2e3"><style data-emotn="css 79elbk">{posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-79elbk exa3d2e2"><style data-emotn="css b0nlql">{background:lear-gradient(rgba(0,0,0,.8) , rgba(0,0,0,0) 95%);background-repeat:no-repeat;-webk-background-size:100% 60px;background-size:100% 60px;posn:absolute;top:0rem;left:0rem;right:0rem;bottom:0rem;z-x:2;height:60px;poter-events:her;}</style><div class="css-b0nlql exa3d2e1"></div><style data-emotn="css 8vvrvc">{lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:18px;height:60px;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;posn:absolute;paddg-left:1rem;left:0rem;right:0rem;top:0rem;text-shadow:0 0 2px rgba(0,0,0,0.5);z-x:4;}</style><div class="css-8vvrvc exa3d2e0"></div><style data-emotn="css 52d8dn">{background:rgba(23,23,23,0.8);borr-bottom-right-radi:2px;borr-top-right-radi:2px;bottom:5px;lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-weight:500;font-size:16px;le-height:16px;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;height:47px;paddg:16px 12px;posn:absolute;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;z-x:2;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1exe7l8">{background:rgba(23,23,23,0.8);borr-bottom-right-radi:2px;borr-top-right-radi:2px;bottom:5px;lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-weight:500;font-size:16px;le-height:16px;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;height:47px;paddg:16px 12px;posn:absolute;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;z-x:2;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" aria-label="Watch on YouTube" href=" class="exa3d2e5 css-1exe7l8 e1c1bym14"><span>Watch on</span><style data-emotn="css 49nnnm">{display:block;height:16px;marg-left:9px;width:72px;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="Watch on YouTube" width="to" height="to" class="css-49nnnm exa3d2e4" /></a><style data-emotn="css 1uds6oo">{height:100%;width:100%;posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css 1vn4202">{background:none;borr:0;posn:absolute;left:50%;top:50%;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);z-x:1;cursor:poter;}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-1vn4202 e1f7ylgd0"><style data-emotn="css a0gows">{opacy:0.8;-webk-transn:opacy .25s cubic-bezier(0,0,0.2,1);transn:opacy .25s cubic-bezier(0,0,0.2,1);}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {opacy:1;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/;sendary=%2523ffffff" loadg="lazy" alt="youtube in" width="68" height="68" class="css-a0gows e1f7ylgd3" /></button><style data-emotn="css 157wciq">{width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;cursor:poter;}</style><style data-emotn="css g939jb">{width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;cursor:poter;}</style><img alt="This is an image" tle="Vio player poster image" loadg="lazy" width="2000" height="1000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="e1f7ylgd5 css-g939jb exi4f7p0" /></div></div></div><p data-no-id="24" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Bee I’d had so ltle exposure to Asian people of any sort, didn’t occur to me then that “Che” wasn’t a physil characteristic. Once a while, I’d see an Asian person picted on TV, mostly an unflatterg way, and I’d be like: Nope. No way. Not <em>me</em>. Not what<em> I’d</em> want a partner<em>.</em> I effectively othered this group of people, om whom I tegorilly distanced myself, bee they were picted, on TV anyway, as unattractive, short, dark-haired, small-eyed people who spoke broken English. Who’d want that? I thought. But then: if that’s your <em>thg</em>—different strok and all.</p><p data-no-id="25" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It wasn’t until llege, until I beiend a number of ternatnal stunts, that I renfigured how I saw race, and my own race particular. Through many nversatns, I learned that my thkg, for years, had been rooted a refal to accept myself as part of an Asian muny. I was different, I’d thought. I wasn’t like them. My parents were whe. My iends were whe. I was basilly whe.</p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">But of urse, I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t be treated as such, no matter how hard I tried.</p><hr data-no-id="27" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="28" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">At the Mneapolis party, the man ntued discsg his love for all thgs Korean. He said <em>Anyeonghaseyo. </em>He talked about bibimbap. He talked about Korean men beg more assertive, more manly than Japane. He said, “It’s my dream to go to North Korea, you know? Jt to see . I know ’s msed up, but ’s gotta be <em>fascatg.</em>” I stood quietly. I didn’t know what he was talkg about. My experience wh anythg Korean was limed to the posters the stunt unn advertisg study abroad programs. I had no Korean iends. I knew no Korean words. I’d had very, very ltle experience wh Korean food. But still, this guy went on.</p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“I know I said Mongolian before, but I actually <em>knew </em>you were Korean,” he said. “I have this tun.”</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The man had yet to ask me anythg real about myself. The “Korean” intifier gave him license to know me. I was, to him, a set of prenceived ias. Later, of urse, I’d unrstand that this strippg of humany embodied what meant to be a fetishist.</p><hr data-no-id="31" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="32" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0"> Before the party, I’d naively thought that people simply fell love wh people, that while physil preferenc (which, my md at the time, clud race) ially drew people to each other, love self was as picted the media: that is, some smic, nebulo force that rulted long stretch of mania, elatn, obssn, and longg. The stctural mechanisms dictatg the circumstanc for the pairgs wasn’t somethg I thought too hard about. Why would I? I mean: what a downer! Love was love was love: no e ponrg the muddy specifics. As time went on, however, and the dynamics of the parti crystallized, as I started beiendg some of the Asians and whe men alike, I realized that much more than preference shaped the teractns. A power dynamic was play: the larger percentage of Asians longed for urtship om the small number of whe men, no matter what they looked like, no matter their profsnal statns life, no matter their social grac or (more often) lack thereof. As a llective, they accepted the standard, media-driven pictns of romance, which were populated almost exclively by whe upl. Sce they weren’t whe, sce there was no way they uld fully enter that world of amoro possibily, they sacrificed the mysteri and excements of love simply to be partnered to a whe person, some of whom they didn’t even like. They were often obliv, or nial, or so hungry for acceptance that they ignored their romantic obssns wh whens, chalkg up to preference. </p><style data-emotn="css 1iigb5k">{clear:none;posn:relative;text-align:center;word-break:break-word;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:100%;}{max-width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{text-align:left;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:left;marg-left:0rem;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:right;marg-right:0rem;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}</style><div data-ad-exclu="(m-width: 90rem)" data-embed="embed-product" data-no-id="33" size="medium" 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data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="47efb6bd-4e4e-4d1a-b121-95c333b35693" data-vars-ga-product-price="$15.00" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="141dd74e-e7cf-45e1-adfc-c13a03c5b2ab" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-tegory="Mystery" data-vars-ga-gallery-id data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="0063079917" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" role="button" data-ab-label="ProdClick" class="product-btn-lk en6kra60 css-1i4dhmq e1c1bym14">$15 at Amazon</a></div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="34" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Time after time I’d see an Asian man pe after a whe man who’d ignore him, or publicly disrpect him, or mock him, or dump him unceremonly for another Asian man, their bodi seemgly terchangeable. The Asian guy would evably fall apart while the whe guy moved on to his next body of lor. </p><p data-no-id="35" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Given the unsettlg observatns, I nclud that love was love was love, y, but who you loved, often tim, was termed by whe supremacy. Those who profsed undyg allegiance to your exotic, faraway culture<em>, </em>no matter how or where you were raised, often mand that you adhere to their flty and rctive notns of your race, or else be disrd, your nonnformy assltg their ia of foreign thenticy. Fetishism was often mistaken for love on the part of the fetishized, then, bee of a sperate hunger for acceptance, and over the years, as doctratn to power stctur strengthened, this hunger veloped to what we benignly lled “attractn.”</p><hr data-no-id="36" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="37" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Attractn is myster, but perhaps not as imperable as we thk, and s examatn n make que unfortable. Take me, for example. As an adoptee raised by whe people a very whe state, I thought pretty normal that my attractns would lie whens. If that’s what’s around, and that’s what you knew, that’s most likely what you were gog to be drawn to. I didn’t, however, realize then—before llege, before I knew many Asians—that this <em>also </em>translated to wantg to <em>be </em>whe, and often even thkg of myself as whe (the ma reason I nstantly separated myself om unflatterg Asian pictns on televisn), so when I envisned myself upledom, I envisned a monoracial set, and even through llege, as my own self-acceptance emerged, I still thought entirely normal for me to only date whe men. It wasn’t until signifintly later that I found this behavr somewhat aberrant, that by ascribg this iends-only stat to all other Asian men, I was not only furtherg the stereotype of the unsirable Asian man, but I was also bowg down to a nstct I’d bee pretty vol agast.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="38" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">Love was love was love, y, but who you loved, often tim, was termed by whe supremacy. </blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="39" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When I realized this, I felt extraordarily helpls. I thought: What uld I possibly do to change this? Was even possible to reverse so many years of batterg doctratn? How uld I strip away the stctural, mechanized, pre-packaged fns of bety and value and allow <em>actual </em>bety and value to flourish?</p><hr data-no-id="40" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="41" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">In 2009, I moved to Korea. I went there to rearch the particulars of my adoptn and to rne wh my birth fay. The were the ma reasons, the propulsive reasons, but unrlyg the reasons was also a need to separate myself om such pervasive whens: to be an Asian among Asians, to sire both my own and others’ Asian-ns. I would only date other Koreans, I told myself. I wouldn’t even look the directn of a whe man.</p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And, oddly, worked. The more I was wh Korean men, the more I wanted Korean men, and the more I wanted them, the more I wanted to <em>be </em>them. Of urse, the transformatn wasn’t to happen—I was too fundamentally Amerin—but wantg to be Korean, and failg, was an entirely different experience than wantg to be whe and failg. No Korean ever me up to me and said, “Let me gus…” No Korean ever quired about my hamburger take or asked if I’d met Brad Pt. Failg at beg Korean, while very tratg at tim, never felt like a gross personal shortg. Instead, felt like somethg I uld gently work towards, and somethg, if I tried, that would rult a rounr and more charable visn of myself. </p><hr data-no-id="43" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="44" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Back at the Mneapolis party, beme creasgly clear that I wasn’t terted this fifty-year-old man. His supposed flattery of my culture, then, turned quickly to words of spe. “Not much of a talker huh?” followed by “Maybe you’re jt lookg for a sugar-daddy. Figur,” and fally, “You know you’re not cute enough to be so stand-offish.” I’d hardly said anythg the entire time, had jt listened to him asss, exame, then berate me, and if I hadn’t been so young, if I’d had time to really unrstand what was happeng, I might’ve been more angry than unfortable: this man, a few mut’ time, had effectively rced me to a set of cultural stereotyp, and then, when I hadn’t rpond posively, had further rced me to a set of offensively simple characteristics.</p><div data-ad-exclu="(m-width: 90rem)" data-embed="embed-product" data-no-id="45" size="medium" class="size-medium align-left embed css-1iigb5k etrqhn80"><div id="product-2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" class="css-17pp2fn etrqhn81"></div><div size="medium" class="size-medium align-left css-60ezry eyaokey4"><div class="top css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</h2></div><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$14 at Amazon for The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$14 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-role data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" data-vars-ga-product-price="$13.79" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="e11b23-79d3-4be1-a303-eb50c96aba3f" data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="1503942481" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" class="product-image-lk eyaokey0 en6kra60 css-15xslai e1c1bym14"><div class="css-zjhp4x e729n7u1"><div data-optimizely="product-image-ntaer" class="css-1pc0key e729n7u0"><img srcSet=" 640w, 980w" alt="The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" tle="The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" src="" width="333" height="500" dg="async" loadg="lazy" /></div></div></a><div size="medium" class="css-y6pcxk eyaokey1"><div class="css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</h2></div><div class="css-i2lorc e1emux0g0">Now 45% Off</div><div size="medium" class="size-medium css-g3y2dc e1a1omje0"><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$14 at Amazon for The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$14 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" data-vars-ga-product-price="$13.79" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="e11b23-79d3-4be1-a303-eb50c96aba3f" data-vars-ga-gallery-id data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="1503942481" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" role="button" data-ab-label="ProdClick" class="product-btn-lk en6kra60 css-1i4dhmq e1c1bym14">$14 at Amazon</a></div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="46" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">But I <em>was</em> young, and I had yet to learn how to navigate this world, so stead of lashg back, I found my iend and urged him to leave.</p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“You’re not havg fun?” he said. </p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“Jt tired,” I said. </p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He looked at me for a while, then said, “You know, this <em>uld </em>be fun for you.”</p><p data-no-id="50" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And I thought about that, how this uld be fun, how right then seemed anythg <em>but </em>fun, but how <em>uld </em>be, if I tried, if I gave a chance, bee maybe this was my hort, maybe the parti were what my adult life would move towards, maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough. I mean, what did I know? I was jt begng this grown-up life.</p><p data-no-id="51" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“There’ll be other parti,” I said. </p><p data-no-id="52" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He shgged. We left. </p><p data-no-id="53" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">On the r ri home, he told me that everyone had been watchg me. The guy who’d approached me was apparently que the hot mody. He was recently sgle, havg jt broken thgs off wh his young Sgaporean boyiend, and everyone, seemed, was dyg to have a go at him.</p><p data-no-id="54" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“So I was the lucky one,” I said.</p><p data-no-id="55" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“That’s what people thought. I mean, he’s not ugly.”</p><p data-no-id="56" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I didn’t say anythg more.</p><p data-no-id="57" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The next time I saw the man at a gatherg, he was talkg to another guy, a young Malaysian guy, and he didn’t even acknowledge me.</p><p data-no-id="58" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I was fe wh that.</p><style data-emotn="css 2ok9l4">{marg-top:1.875rem;borr-top:th solid #595959;}</style><div data-jam-id="thor-b" class="css-2ok9l4 e13rjwo40"><style data-emotn="css f0b5z8">{display:grid;grid-template-lumns:to 1;grid-lumn-gap:0.625rem;paddg-top:1.25rem;paddg-bottom:1.25rem;clear:both;}</style><div class="css-f0b5z8 e19xk9rq8"><style data-emotn="css irehmq">{borr-radi:50%;height:60px;width:60px;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{width:40px;height:40px;}}</style><span class="css-irehmq e19xk9rq1"><style data-emotn="css o0wq4v">{width:100%;height:100%;borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" tle="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" width="100%" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" class="css-o0wq4v e19xk9rq3" /></span><div><style data-emotn="css 3sqxrq">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;grid-gap:4px;-webk-align-ems:basele;-webk-box-align:basele;-ms-flex-align:basele;align-ems:basele;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;}</style><div class="css-3sqxrq e19xk9rq7"><span class="css-0 e19xk9rq5"><style data-emotn="css 1yunoig">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1kgdfad">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;text-transform:upperse;lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/231272/jam-han-mattson/" class="e1c1bym13 css-1kgdfad e1c1bym14"><span>Jam Han Mattson</span></a></span></div><style data-emotn="css 8u8x58">{display:-webk-box;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:1.4;overflow:hidn;paddg-top:0.3125rem;-webk-box-orient:vertil;-webk-le-clamp:5;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{-webk-le-clamp:10;}}>*{display:le;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:CharterItalic,Geia,Tim,Serif;} p{marg:0rem;} p a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;} p a:hover{text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-8u8x58 e19xk9rq4"><p>Jam Han Mattson was born Seoul, Korea and raised North Dakota; he is the award-wng thor of two novels, <em>Reprieve </em>and <em>The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</em>, and is currently the fictn edor of <em>Hyphen </em>magaze.</p></div></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div><div class="css-79elbk eg8z2o90"><div class="css-79elbk e1tp40ll1"><div data-anchor-id="P0-0" class="css-0 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gay asian caucasian

Beg mixed-race, actor-producer Lee Doud has heard unbelievably ignorant ments om gay and bi men for much of his adult life.

Contents:

I KNOW A LOT OF GAY ASIAN MEN WHO ARE ACTUALLY TOPS: MANAGG AND NEGOTIATG GAY RACIAL STIGMA

Dpe the well documented s of racism toward gay Asian men the gay muny the Uned Stat, there is currently ltle rearch examg ho * gay asian caucasian *

Wh this urgency to fe their own experienc and the begng of the mise of -swchg, gay Asian-Amerin men are askg qutns spe such mixed signals—or perhaps bee of them: What do beg more Amerin really mean? ”A Pri celebratn on June 27, 2021 New York Tompks//Getty ImagRoss’s experience speaks to a realy mon among more than a dozen gay Asian Amerins Esquire terviewed, all of whom flagged that though they have found joy and succs, blossomed om toxic soil. ” A mory upon a mory, gay Asian-Amerin men scribe a lot of overlap their inti: Both sis of that tersectnal inty are affected by enclave livg ( eher ethnic neighborhoods or gayborhoods), prumptn of crazy rich liftyl spe extreme wealth dispary for both Asian and gay Amerins, and a sheen of emasculatn that was famoly ritured a racist natnal magaze spread om 2004 that asked of s rears, “Gay or Asian?

Highlights—like poet and novelist Ocean Vuong’s poignantly msy sex scen On Earth We’re Briefly Geo, or the tenr shower scene last year’s Taiwane gay romance Your Name Engraved Here—are few and fleetg. ” He add that he intifi more as a daddy the days than as Asian seems some gay Asian-Amerin men across generatns are leang to a sense of belongg by birthright and all the brash nfince giv them, at a time when what means to be Amerin and what means to be gay are pg the grip of whe hegemony. Beg Asian Amerin and LGBTQ+ n feel lonely, wh stutns such as ethnic church often disavowg non-heterosexual relatnships while tradnal LGBTQ+ spac such as gay bars n be unwelg to people of lor.

“Fdg plac like GAMeBoi, where beg queer and Asian do -exist … It’s not like a 1, 000-year-old Korean cultural rual, but I uld create a new rual, ” said Ahn, a recent Friday, hundreds packed QT Nightlife’s monthly K-Pop Night at Micky’s, a Wt Hollywood gay club a block or so east om the old GAMeBoi posed for selfi a pk Barbie box wh dis balls hangg overhead. ” (Michael Owen Baker / For The Tim) Even historilly gay neighborhoods like Wt Hollywood or San Francis’s Castro district, Asian Amerins have long been ignored or fetishized, seen as feme and weak.

THE URGENT QUTN GAY ASIAN-AMERIN MEN ARE ASKG THEMSELV

How do whens shape our romantic liv? At a party for gay Asian men and their whe male "admirers," Jam Han Mattson nsirs the heavily racialized world of datg.  * gay asian caucasian *

” Asian Amerin advocy groups cricized Duran’s remark, wh API Equaly-LA potg to the long history of discrimatn agast Asian men gay muni such as Wt Hollywood, whose clubs “ed to require three forms of photo intifitn om anyone they perceived as Asian. Specifilly for gay men, a slim hairls body may provi men who posss those tras wh sexual currency at a “Twk bar, ” but those same tras would have ls currency at a “Leather bar, ” where burlier bodi are nsired more sirable.

While a number of different typ of sexual fields that n be found the gay muny have been discsed the amic lerature as well as the popular prs, there has been ls attentn paid to the ways that erotic words are socially anized (Mart and Gee 2006).

VERY FEW PEOPLE SAY “NO WH”: GAY MEN OF COLOR AND THE RACIAL POLICS OF DIRE

Are you even gay if your sexualy is based on race and not genr preference? * gay asian caucasian *

To do so, we brgg together the sexual fields perspective wh the growg lerature on sexual racism, an act of eher sexually excludg non-wh as potential partners or cludg racial mori as sexual partners based only on racial several scholars have noted, ntemporary gay life is marked by high levels of racism directed towards gay men of lor by gay whe men, wh much of the racism maniftg self as negative sexual attus towards, and sexual excln or fetishizatn of, non-whe men (Armstrong 2002; Bébé 2001; Epste 1996; McBri 2005; Tenunis, 2007).

After examg onle personal ads and terviewg gay men, Robson (2015) found that gay whe men often exclu gay men of lor as potential sexual partners while nyg that their racial preferenc are racist nature. In fact, several studi have shown that gay whe men were much more likely to prefer their own race and actively exclu non-wh as potential sexual than gay men of lor (Lundquist and L 2015; Ph and Kfman 2003; Rafalow, Feliciano, and Robt 2017; Smh 2014). Dpe gay whe men’s sistence that sexual excln was not racism but rather personal preference, and that the personal preferenc have nothg to do wh racism, Collanr and his lleagu (2015) found that attus toward sexual excln were related to almost every intified factor associated wh racist attus general.

WHE GAY MEN REJECT ME BEE I’M ASIAN

Gay Asian-Amerin men are askg qutns of inty: What do beg Amerin mean? What is Asian enough? And how n queerns rencile s “no Asians” hab? * gay asian caucasian *

Th, sexual racism should be unrstood not as personal preference, but as “problematic ndns that stcture the very formatn of romantic relatnships” that is neher benign nor trivial (Bedi 2015: 998) the ia of sexual racism has been wily discsed the popular prs, and amic studi have also documented the racial hierarchy of sire the gay muny, there have been fewer attempts to systematilly exame how such racialized hierarchi of sire are unrstood by gay men of lor and, more importantly, the impact the racial hierarchi have on them. Wh any sexual field, some dividual e to be seen as more sirable than other dividuals pendg on the tras that they posss that are valued by the specific sexual field which they discsg gay sexual fields, Green (2008; 2011) intifi a number of potential tras that fluence the level of sirabily that any given dividual might posss. As evinced by Green’s own acunts of his field work, and the statements ma by participants his study, race plays a pivotal role fg attractivens and sirabily across var sexual fields wh the gay muny.

Whether the specific field qutn is a gay leather bar or a gay sports bar where different typ of drs, different amounts of body hair, etc., may be emed more sirable, race remas a nsistent, and nstant, marker of sirabily. In fact, sire for whens has been noted by a number of scholars examg race and racism the gay muny (Callanr, Holt and Newman 2016; Han 2007; Robson 2015; McBri 2005; Tnis 2007) other characteristics intified by Green, such as clothg or mculary, whens is a central anizg prciple the gay muny (Bébé 2001; Han 2007). In promotg equaly through the normalizatn of (homo)sexualy at the expense of “non-gay” issu, gay anizatns such as The Human Rights Campaign promote a monolhic image of the “gay muny, ” as beg rich, nservative, and whe (Bébé 2001; Phelan 2001; Seidman 2002; Walters 2014).

We would argue that the value of whens transcends diverse sexual fields wh the gay muny that acts as a universal currency that superses all other characteristics emed worthy wh any given sexual field.

INDIVIDUALISM-COLLECTIVISM, SELF-EFFICY, AND OTHER FACTORS ASSOCIATED WH RISK TAKG AMONG GAY ASIAN AND CSIAN MENINDIVIDUALISM-COLLECTIVISM, SELF-EFFICY, AND OTHER FACTORS ASSOCIATED WH RISK TAKG AMONG GAY ASIAN AND CSIAN MENINDIVIDUALISM-COLLECTIVISM, SELF-EFFICY, AND OTHER FACTORS ASSOCIATED WH RISK TAKG AMONG GAY ASIAN AND CSIAN MENINDIVIDUALISM-COLLECTIVISM, SELF-EFFICY, AND OTHER FACTORS ASSOCIATED WH RISK TAKG AMONG GAY ASIAN AND CSIAN MENINDIVIDUALISM-COLLECTIVISM, SELF-EFFICY, AND OTHER FACTORS ASSOCIATED WH RISK TAKG AMONG GAY ASIAN AND CSIAN MEN

Beg Asian Amerin and LGBTQ+ n feel lonely, wh stutns such as ethnic church often disavowg non-heterosexual relatnships while tradnal LGBTQ+ spac such as gay bars n be unwelg. * gay asian caucasian *

As Peter Jackson (2000: 184) not:When sirabily is lked wh race, and when certa rac are ascribed greater erotic tert than others, then to be a member of an “unsexy” ethnic group is to be equated wh an ferr form of importantly, unlike other markers of sirabily among gay men that Green discs, such as amount of body hair, mculary, cloth, etc., race is an entirely ascribed stat, not an achieved one.

For example, Han (2015: 141) quot one gay Asian man, who attempted to make himself more sirable the gay muny by changg his body through exercise, as statg:I had mcl where I didn’t thk you had mcl. I ed to have a 10-foot area around me and people would avoid me, I uldn’t believe while mculary may be the sired tra a “mcle bar, ” the lived realy for gay men of lor is that their attempts to velop or acquire the currency of sire wh those specific gay spac, or sexual fields, is negated by their race. More importantly, when gay men of lor are sexually preferred by gay whe men, they are preferred not as dividuals but bee they fulfill racial stereotyp regardg sexual behavrs (Wilson, valera, Ventuneac, Balan, Rowe and Carballo-Dieguez 2009).

NO ASIANS, NO BLACK PEOPLE. WHY DO GAY PEOPLE TOLERATE BLATANT RACISM?

Jack Kapac, Culture/Communy/Race: Che Gay Men and the Polics of Inty, Anthropologi, Vol. 40, No. 2 (1998), pp. 169-181 * gay asian caucasian *

While still utilized by a number of ntemporary scholars to exame racialized sexual stereotyp of black men and women (Buggs 2017; Stevenson 1994; Yancey 2002), the ncept of sexual racism has been particularly eful examg sexual excln of gay men of lor as potential sexual partners, as well as for examg the sexual objectifitn of gay men of lor, by gay whe men. Some mentators and gay media outlets have argued that sexual sir for one race, and/or sexual excln of another race, is not racism but personal preference, while others have argued that excludg an entire race of people as potential sexual partners is, ed, a racist act.

For example, several mentators have observed that gay whe men, and to a lser gree gay men of lor, practice sexual racism on gay datg apps such as Grdr and on onle datg s (Callanr, Holt and Newman 2015; McDa 2005; Pl, Ayala and Choi 2010; Robson 2015; Smh 2017).

INDIVIDUALISM-LLECTIVISM, SELF-EFFICY, AND OTHER FACTORS ASSOCIATED WH RISK TAKG AMONG GAY ASIAN AND CSIAN MEN

Individualism-Collectivism, Self-Efficy, and Other Factors Associated Wh Risk Takg among Gay Asian and Csian Men * gay asian caucasian *

Th rather than a way of simply listg their preference for whe men, onle s for seekg sexual partners have lved to venu for gay whe men to volize their racist sexual racism is more than simply excludg members of a racial group as potential sexual partners or objectifyg them as sexual others even when they are sired. While this n volve physil segregatn of gay men of lor and gay whe men to different social lotns, stctural sexual racism also clus margally tegrated “mixed bars, ” where gay men of lor and gay whe men occupy different areas of the tablishment.

While some are overt such as statements such as “no fats, no femm, no Asians, ” on onle datg apps, teractnal sexual racism also clus more subtle actns such as bars changg mic or enforcg drs s to lim the number of men of lor or gay whe men “warng” other whe men to avoid certa clubs based on the race of the clientele.

THE GAY ASIAN ACTIVIST WHOSE THEORI ON SEXUALY WERE DES AHEAD OF THEIR TIME

* gay asian caucasian *

” It isn’t simply that whe men are nsired more sirable the gay muny, but that there is a pattern of preference for whe men, even among gay men of lor, that his the larger stctur of power that plac a premium value on whens.

For example, a recent study by Rafalow, Feliciano, and Robt (2017), the thors fd that gay men of lor, as well as lbians of lor, are much more likely to exclu members of their own race as potential sexual partners than gay whe men or whe lbians.

As the thors’ note, the racialized preferenc seem to be the rult of larger stctur of power and racialized beliefs rather than personal addn, sexual racism is also implited the creatn and matenance of gay sexual fields as “whe spac, ” further margalizg gay men of lor. For example, as Ompo (2012) found his ethnographic study of gay Lato men, “gay” spac, as well as the athetics of those spac that make up a sexual field, is perceived by gay Lato men to be an unwelg environment for non-whe gay men.

A theoretil amework, which clud perspectiv of dividualism-llectivism and self-efficy, was ed to vtigate factors associated wh sexual risk practice among gay Asian and Csian men. "Risk" was fed as unprotected anal terurse wh any sual partner or wh a regular p … * gay asian caucasian *

More importantly, the men his study note that prentg onelf, through cloth and manners, a way that is unter to “whe norms, ” rried an even greater risk of excln om certa venu, and even police harassment, gay neighborhoods. Given the fdgs, applyg a sexual racism lens to the sexual fields approach provis wh an opportuny to explore the ways that sexual fields are actively created and mataed by members of a domant group orr to create hierarchi of sexual AND METHODSData for this study me om 35 terviews nducted between December 2005 and Augt 2006 wh gay men of lor durg the ial velopment phase of the Ethnic Mory Men’s Study.

This is a larger quantative study signed to exame the impact of discrimatn, sexual partnership, and social works on sexual risk behavrs among gay black, Lato, and Asian Pacific Islanr Amerin men Los Angel, CA. All black men were born the Uned knowledge gaed om foc group meetgs durg the ial phase of the larger rearch project, an terview gui was veloped to explore gay men of lor’s personal experienc wh their fai, muni of lor, the larger gay muny, as well as sex and datg. In fact, wh the advent of social media and datg apps such as Grdr, that has e to facilate nvenient sexual teractns between gay men, the them we have intified seem to have bee more, rather than ls, salient.

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Creepy Whe Guy and the Helpls Asian: How Sexual Racism Persists a Gay Interracial Friendship Group | Social Problems | Oxford Amic .

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