I’m Gay and I’m Agast Gay Marriage - The Doe</tle><meta name="article:published_time" ntent="2020-07-24T06:00:00+0000"/><meta name="thor" ntent="Barrie Cradshaw"/><meta name="scriptn" ntent="The se for wedlock not beg all ’s cracked up to be, for queer and straight people alike."/><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="The se for wedlock not beg all ’s cracked up to be, for queer and straight people alike."/><meta property="og:image" ntent="><meta property="og:image:alt" ntent="Two men gettg married"/><meta property="og:tle" ntent="I’m Gay and I’m Agast Gay Marriage"/><meta property="og:type" ntent="article"/><meta property="og:url" ntent="><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image"/><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@TheDoe"/><meta name="twter:scriptn" ntent="The se for wedlock not beg all ’s cracked up to be, for queer and straight people alike."/><meta name="twter:imageUrl" ntent="><script type="applitn/ld+json">{"@ntext":","@type":"Article","maEntyOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"},"headle":"I’m Gay and I’m Agast Gay Marriage","datePublished":"2020-07-24T06:00:00+0000","dateModified":"2020-07-24T06:00:00+0000","thor":{"@type":"Person","name":"Barrie Cradshaw"},"publisher":{"@type":"Organizatn","name":"The Doe","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"}},"image":[",",",","],"articleBody":"I was workg om home on a weekday afternoon when a iend dropped round the hop I'd be able to enterta her, spe the work pilg up on my sk and the unanswered emails screamg my box. We sat down the livg room, where I curled my legs unrneath me and watched her warm her hands on the cup of ffee I’d jt ma her. As I half-listened to the stream of mundane rmatn g out of her, I ma a to-do list my head: reply to Cathy, make not for tomorrow’s meetg, read that stunt’s draft. By the time I returned to what she was sayg, she was discsg marriage. Someone she worked wh had recently end their 14-year marriage after an affair. It was msy: hurt egos, kids ught the middle and a risg fancial st. “I’ll never get married,” I said, whout a thought. My iend blew on her still-too-hot ffee, a remr of how slowly time was passg. “Never say never,” she said, her voice oddly sual as she dismissed me wh three simple words. “You never know where you’ll be a few years.” She seemed ignorant that she had jt outled one of the most quoted arguments agast marriage: divorce.\r\nNot Everyone Dreams About Their Weddg Day\r\nThe thg is, I did know. I hadn't been raised to thk of marriage as aspiratnal. Instead, I was raised by a sgle father who disuraged relatnships of any kd. He built up a small world, one that was imperable to outsirs. We saw our extend fay once a year, he never dated and he disuraged the pursu of romance over tn. Once, when I was eight years old and still unsure of my sexualy, I asked when I should have my first girliend. “In your twenti,” he said, “when you’re done wh school.” Through watchg him, I had learned the value of pennce and a particular type of workg-class emotnal reprsn that was hard to shake. I was never que fortable when someone else paid for dner. I had also grown up queer, qutng my sexualy and genr inty thlsly. For the first twenty-one years of my life, marriage wasn’t an optn that was actually available to me. There were civil partnerships, but their perceived stat, both culturally and polilly, was send-class to marriage. So while my straight peers dreamed of whe drs and quat untrysi church, I checked out. I thought about sex and exploratn. I thought about my future, about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I thought aimlsns and the fact that I floated between potential profsns, unable to moor myself to anyone, was the biggt issue facg me. Marriage was never even part of my plan. Now, my late twenti, marriage is an ever-prent specter. Morngs go by scrollg on Instagram, which is often filled wh the lite fgers of young women adorned wh diamonds that uld sk a ship. The women, who are often burned wh makg the announcement, ptn their photos “I Said Y,” alongsi an engagement rg emoji. Then there are photos of bridal ftgs, weddg fairs, pk champagne, hen nights, stag parti and nuptial statns, before the eventual walk down the aisle. What I began to notice more and more, though, were the LGBTQ+ people engagg this type of behavr and the way that type of ntent often went viral. On Twter, I saw a vio of two women at Disneyland. One pulled out a rg and got down on her kne. The other screamed and pulled a rg om her cksack too. I read Tr bs of men lookg for “hband material.” I saw women tux ont of the altar and men posg outsi church a shower of rice. The posts, and the way they spread across the ter, spoke to jt how much the culture at large wants to see queer people married. For the better part of a , gay marriage was the rallyg cry for the queer liberatn movement: The theory held that this major legal tone would burst the dam and give way to a flood of total equaly. Then, when fally happened var plac across the world, this hard-fought-for pary felt anticlimactic. If anythg, created another stick wh which to bash nonnformists while fuelg the already tense rpectabily polics wh the LGBTQ+ muny. Much like send-wave femism, the queer liberatn movement was now keenly aware of what “type” of queer bt-served progrs. Was the hypersexualized gay that uld be spun by right-wg punds as perverted and predatory? Or was the sweet nocent gay dreamg of one day gettg hched?\r\nI Don’t Thk Gay People Should Get Married (or Straight People)\r\nA month or two after that nversatn, I met up wh another iend for a walk. The heat was opprsive, and my back dampened wh sweat wh each step I took. As we ught up, I listened to her lay out her life to me—work, fay, prsur and assorted strs—until we got onto the topic of her boyiend. She was a long-distance relatnship and stgglg wh isolatn. The post-universy shift, where everyone eher go home to renfigure, transplants themselv to the pal or follows a job offer, had left the two of them hundreds of apart. The qutn was not only how they would navigate their current posn—g FaceTime, Skype and expensive tra journeys—but also their future stat. Where would they settle down? My iend suggted that movg together would most certaly lead to marriage, and she had cid she was fortable wh that. She saw for herself and always had. She'd attend a Catholic school, after all. “What about you?” she asked. “What about me?” “Do you thk you’ll get married?” \"I don't thk gay people should get married,\" I said a tone harsher than I tend. \"At least, the polil sense.\" She looked at me, puzzled. “Surely, you’re jokg?” she said. Marriage was the abstract for me. I had no long-distance boyiend and so, annoyed that I had to nsir my cisn relatn to hers, I beme oddly fensive. “I’m jt not sure we’ve thought through,” I said. “It feels like all the gay people are shg to get married, and what is marriage but a heterosexual ncept, one that is built on a history of female opprsn and patriarchal ntrol? How n gay people f wh a stcture that wasn’t built to clu them whout promisg?” She was still silent. Over the past few months, I had been readg and rmg myself about the polics of gay marriage. I was marchg towards 27, and I realized that I would have to heavily fend my cisn not to marry for the next few years. I'm the last sgle adult the fay; th, I need the ammunn. It seemed that most people st me as a bter queer who was turng down somethg I had not yet been offered. As if, when the offer did e along, I would be grateful that someone had e to rcue me om the stew of rentment and lonels I was broilg . They arrogantly assumed their heteronormative predictns would prove uful and I would eventually succumb to their way of thkg. It didn’t seem to occur to them that my disavowal of marriage didn’t mean I would live my life alone. It didn’t mean I uldn’t be wh someone for a long time, or that we uldn't draw up legal ntracts regardg -owned property or how we would spl up assets if we broke up. To them, the choice was eher marriage or life as a spster. My iend took a ep breath and cid she wanted to move on. But I wasn’t done. “I mean, don’t you thk ’s fucked up?” I went on. “Queer people spend their adolcence beg treated like sh, lled nam, beaten up, and then when they get olr, they’re so nsc of what the straight majory thks. So what? They get married as if to say, ‘I’m jt like you, please stop hatg me.’ It’s super weird. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I give no weight to nservative objectns to . Fuck them. But, I don’t know, I thk ’s more plex than people realize.” “Isn’t marriage about love?” she asked, absently, hopg this brief terlu to radil social polics was g to an end. I didn’t know if was worth enterg to the bate around marriag as transactnal and the ia of “love” beg ed as an stutnal sellg pot. So we walked on.\r\nQueer People Can’t Be Expected to Fix a Straight Instutn\r\nFor a long time, there has been a femist argument agast marriage, and now there is a queer one too. In her book Trick Mirror, Jia Tolento poss that there is room to change the genred implitns of marriage bee, the wake of Obergefell v. Hodg, same-sex marriage, “renfigured as an stutn that uld be entered to on genr-equal terms.” Relyg on queers to revalize a heterosexual stutn, rather than allowg them to create their own, is problematic. We're not gog to e and Queer Eye an outdated tradn by puttg a shy metallic bomber jacket and teachg to love self. That is not the path to queer liberatn. The view that LGBTQ+ people and straight people are now equal Wtern society is a blurry illn. We’re now allowed to engage tradnally straight activi such as marriage or raisg children, and while the are sential legal rights, they aren't precisely equaly. They merely equate to assiatn, or the right to be treated fairly if you nform to the stctur already place. This means that LGBTQ+ people who don’t wish to enter to marriag—pecially those who might be non-monogamo or “unnventnal” romantic arrangements—are judged differently and not offered the same social stat who follow straight tradns. It is no mistake that marriage offers certa legal and social advantag that no other agreement n. In that way, marriage is centivized to gays and straights alike who seek legal secury for their children, healthre benefs and surance payouts. But, I believe this speaks to how we should offer alternativ—a straight female iend of me recently talked to me about how she would much rather have a civil partnership. “All the benefs whout the patriarchal history,” she lled . I am cled to agree. The queer femist wrer Audre Lor wrote that when tryg to build the visn of your future wh the nf of a racist patriarchy, \"Only the most narrow perimeters of change are possible and allowable.\" But how do that affect queer people? Have we, as queer people, given up any hope of formg our own l now that we have the right to abi by someone else's?\r\nThe Pater Problem\r\nIn the summer of 2018, I dated a pater for two months. At no pot did we talk about marriage (why would we?), but that didn't stop the ia om perlatg amongst my iends. He was, on paper, a perfect match for me. He was Amerin, an artist, chilled-out enough to balance my nros and ocsnally even thoughtful. To others, seemed that I'd found my match—and that was . I had done what every sgle person was supposed to do: I found a potential end to my sgledom. Though, as the weeks passed by, beme creasgly clear that I was unnerved by the prospect of monogamy and the ia of lifelong mment. Even the hypothetil, marriage was terrifyg. It felt like I wasn’t jt talkg about the pater as he was, but also as he would be. Would his stterbraed nature prove annoyg the future? Would I eventually fd the weed smokg tirome? Would we be happy together, forever, a three-bedroom, semi-tached the suburbs? I felt like I was havg a pre-approved future forced upon me—a quasi-heterosexual life that felt like would close on me wh s mortgag, baby cloth and shared cemetery plots. Could I spend the rt of my life wh the pater? Doubtful. Was possible to know that after two months? No. So, why then was I gog sane over lifelong patibily? I was nsirg his potential through the lens of heteronormativy, subnscly asssg our whatevership by heterosexual standards. Then, when end, felt more like a failure than the two-month romp that was. Would have felt that way if the prsure of marriage or longevy weren’t so prevalent? My disda for marriage is born om a nfluence of reasons, some personal and some polil. Mostly, however, down to the fact I’m not ma for , and was not ma for me. Yet, I am expected to want . The ia of mak me anx. (While wrg this say, my right ankle broke out a strs rash.) But also mak me angry: angry about a lack of unrstandg om heterosexuals who ntually promote marriage as the pnacle, and mad that ’s me who’s expected to alter my perceptn, rather than them. Instead of dog their part dismantlg the heteronormative patriarchy and the systems of opprsn, they ask that I, as a queer person, enter to their stutn and try to galvanize —to make ol aga as if were a '90s tracksu or Polaroid mera. That day when my iend rang my doorbell as I was tryg to work, I realized how ltle sense the whole thg mak. My iend was mourng the ath of a marriage bee we see marriage as succs and divorce as a failure. What if, as queer people, we were able to opt out of that, and create our own systems of succs and failure as we see f? What if you happily spend 20 years of your life wh someone and then break up? Is that failure? What if were normal for people to spl and move on when thgs beme a ltle stale or were able to spread their wgs sexually whout the curta-twchg neighbors gettg cur? What if were normal not to expect all thgs om one person, if society were set up to value close iendships and nurture them alongsi romantic on? Why not let queer people figure out that new visn? Let make our own l and not bend to someone else's. When she fished her ffee, she stood up and ma to leave. I followed her out to the hallway and slked around her to open the door. She stood still for a moment, lookg out onto the street. I wonred what she was thkg. She turned me to, hugged me briefly and head off to the afternoon. I sat back down at my sk, opened my box, and got back to work, but I uldn’t shake what she’d said. Never, I thought fiantly. Never, never, never. 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Wh two Supreme Court lgs on same-sex marriage expected, why are some gay people opposed to ?

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AGAST EQUALY: QUEER CRIQU OF GAY MARRIAGE

Marriage equaly has bee a central pillar of the morn gay rights movement. Five stat and the District of Columbia offer same sex marriag and a se volvg California’s ban on gay marriage is expected to end up the Supreme Court. But spe recent advanc, not all gay people are so eager to rg the weddg bells. Mattilda Bernste Symore, self-scribed queer activist and thor of “That’s Revoltg: Queer Strategi for Ristg Assiatn,” says gay people should stop fightg to uphold what she nsirs to be the failed stutn of marriage. * queers against gay marriage *

While what feels like the entirety of the gay and lbian movement is marchg unison towards some vague notn of equaly, the Agast Equaly llective has been quietly assemblg a digal archive to document the cril ristance to the polics of cln. This pocket-sized book of archival texts lays out some of the historil foundatns of queer ristance to the gay marriage mastream alongsi more ntemporary ter-subjective criqu that al directly wh issu of race, class, genr, cizenship, age, abily, and more.

And what's so sad is that stead of the radil roots of gay liberatn you mentned the troductn, we look at the ntemporary gay movement and 's all about, you know, we're jt like you. But, really, 's only givg that right to people who are willg to nform to this narrow notn of a long-term monogamo partnership sanctned by the state, which really don't relate to the majory of people's liv -straight, gay, queer or otherwise.

And 's an anti-Proposn 8 vio, which is to say 's support of same-sex marriage and portrays two gay men who after gettg married adopt a - well, how n we put this - more I thk they would e the word mundane suburban liftyle. SYCAMORE: Well, I actually see that, you know, over time do seem that there are, you know, emergg, you know, even mastream disurse, more opposn to somethg like marriage and the stranglehold has on, you know, the sort of gay tablishment agenda. The posts, and the way they spread across the ter, spoke to jt how much the culture at large wants to see queer people the better part of a , gay marriage was the rallyg cry for the queer liberatn movement: The theory held that this major legal tone would burst the dam and give way to a flood of total equaly.

I’M GAY AND I’M AGAST GAY MARRIAGE

* queers against gay marriage *

“It feels like all the gay people are shg to get married, and what is marriage but a heterosexual ncept, one that is built on a history of female opprsn and patriarchal ntrol? After France's first same-sex marriage, and a vote the UK Parliament which puts England and Wal on urse for gay weddgs next summer, two US Supreme Court lgs expected soon uld hasten the advance of same-sex marriage across the Atlantic. A send lg will be ma on the legaly of California's gay marriage while favourable lgs will spark celebratns among pro-marriage supporters across the US, some gay men and women will stead see as a victory for a patriarchal stutn that bears no historil relevance to lbians are opposed to marriage on femist grounds, says Cldia Card, a profsor of philosophy at the Universy of Wisns-Madison, bee they see as an stutn that serv the terts of men more than women.

A muny ma up of lns of people is bound to hold a range of views on any subject, but will surprise many that some of the people who on the face of stand to ga the most om gay marriage should oppose .

And the ntrary views are not often the UK, Daily Mail lumnist Andrew Pierce says that for speakg out agast gay marriage the past, he has been attacked as a homophobe and Uncle Tom, spe a long history of champng gay strongly believ that civil partnerships - troduced 2005 to give same-sex upl equal legal rights - are enough. " He thks there are more gay people agreement wh him than people may thk - at a dner party he hosted for 11 gay iends, only one was favour of marriage, one was uncid and the rt were agast, he says. A webse lled Homovox featured 12 gay men and women opposed to , wh some of them cg a belief that children benef most om oppose-sex many years, the nservative stutn of marriage was never on the gay mpaign agenda, says activist Yasm Nair, who -found a group provotively named Agast Equaly.

THE GAY PEOPLE AGAST GAY MARRIAGE

In most public discsns, the issue of same-sex marriage is posed as a simple qutn – for or agast? – where to be for or agast is to be, more or ls, for or agast gay people. Although don’t… * queers against gay marriage *

But beme an objective the early 1990s - regretfully, her view - when the movement emerged om the seismic shock of the Aids epimic, pleted of polil gay people who are favour of same-sex marriage believe anythg short of marriage is not rarely hear arguments agast by gay people themselv, says Stampp Corb, publisher of magaze LGBT Weekly, who se strong parallels wh the civil rights movement.

GROUPS OPPOSED TO GAY RIGHTS RAKE LNS AS STAT BATE ANTI-LGBTQ BILLS

In today’s heightened culture war, the ffers of the anti-gay movement are overflowg. * queers against gay marriage *

"So when I hear LGBT people sayg the same thg: 'I don't thk gay and lbian people should get married', is different om slav sayg: 'I don't thk slav should have the abily to get married'? And the US, the notn of "separate but equal" rekdl memori of segregatn and the creatn of send-class so many different pots of view on a subject that has long divid Ameri, perhaps the bate jt unrl the obv - gay people are like everyone n follow the Magaze on Twter and on Facebook.

I'M A GAY ARMY OFFICER—QUEER TROOPS MT FIGHT BACK

Hoe legislatn difyg protectns for gay marriage passed spe the fact that a big majory of the Hoe Republin uc opposed . * queers against gay marriage *

Although don’t get much airtime beyond queer unterpublics, there is an adamantly left-wg, progrsive and pro-gay perspective that suggts same-sex marriage is not a necsary good.

WHY THE BATTLE FOR GAY MARRIAGE WAS WON SO EASILY

The nomatn of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court and h cricism of the 2015 gay marriage lg by two jtic has renewed advot’ ncerns. * queers against gay marriage *

Lbian and gay muni, and the femist muni wh which they have historilly overlapped, have long celebrated the valu of sexual diversy over the sexual nformy reprented by marriage and the ethil importance of sexual straight-talkg rather than the double-standards so equently observed marriage’s vicy. There’s a tenncy among s proponents to reprent same-sex marriage as the fal chapter the story of gay acceptance, “the last civil right” as has sometim exaggeratedly been lled.

It is large part bee of femist and gay novatns livg that marriage today is creasgly unrstood not as a relig but a social relatn; characterised not by male domatn but equaly and mutualy between the sex; valued not terms of s ntractual basis but terms of s ongog ntributn to a person’s sense of well-beg; and mataed not until ath-do--part but for as long as both parti fd satisfactn . Rather than adm lbians and gay men to marriage as currently nceived, we should avow more fully the range of optns that characterise a lot of our liv and livg arrangements.

In regnisg some gay and lbian relatnships as marriag, same-sex marriage emphasis the ntued illegimacy of other sexual arrangements and the ntued excln of other social actors.

HOW SAFE IS GAY MARRIAGE? ADVOT FEAR CREASGLY NSERVATIVE URT

Uned Methodist church and clergy uld face removal om the nomatn if they do not affirm s stance agast gay marriage and noncelibate LGBT clergy by 2021. The church reached the cisn a vote at a General Conference St. Louis on Tuday. * queers against gay marriage *

Now this ragtag bunch might not seem as worthy of social protectn and prtige as the lovg, rg, long-term gay and lbian upl that are the shy new poster boys and girls for same-sex marriage. The multiln-dollar war cht has bolstered a movement that jt a few years ago appeared to be losg ground Ameri’s slong culture war around lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr and queer rights. “Many of those, while not specifilly tied to a church, are rooted the nservative Christian, biblil sense of human sexualy, ” said Stt McCoy, the terim puty legal director for LGBTQ rights and special ligatn for the SPLC and the SPLC Actn Fund, the group’s polil actn simply holdg a relig belief that views homosexualy or transgenr inty as sful do not tomatilly land a church or an anizatn on the SPLC’s list of hate groups.

'The hard re of the anti-gay movement' When the SPLC began trackg anti-LGBTQ hate the early 2010s, the anizatn noted that “a small terie of groups now prise the hard re of the anti-gay movement. C., that, acrdg to s webse, believ “homosexual nduct is harmful to the persons who engage ” and “is also harmful to society at large” — jumped om over $12 ln to more than $23 ln. “The groups that are opposed to LGBTQ equaly did their msage ttg and found that attackg gay people is no longer the broadly popular culture war totem that they ed the ’90s, ” Gberg said.

METHODISTS STRENGTHEN STANCE AGAST GAY MARRIAGE AND OPENLY LGBT CLERGY

The road to full marriage equaly for same-sex upl the Uned Stat was paved wh setbacks and victori. The landmark 2015 Supreme Court se Obergefell v. Hodg ma gay marriage legal throughout the untry. * queers against gay marriage *

I was one of few soldiers who joed the service before graduatg high school, but the admistratn at the time, which I believe was homophobic, chose to act as if I never existed bee of my queer hate that I experienced growg up on Long Island was my first enunter wh how others would treat me as a queer soldier.

GAY MARRIAGE

Last month, Gallup found that a rerd high of 71% of Amerins support , cludg a majory of are the nam of every Republin reprentative who opposed feral protectns for gay marriage:Robert Arholt (Ala. What if the fg gay rights mand of the past generatn had not been equal marriage rights but an affirmative-actn program for employment areas — say, the feral ernment — where gay men and lbians had suffered historic discrimatn?

Even as nservativ fight for relig-liberty exemptns om the new norms around same-sex marriage, such as those the Supreme Court is nsirg a challenge om a Catholic social-servic agency that ref to place foster children gay fai, they’ve effectively nced feat the broar war over the earlier civil rights projects to which the qut for marriage equaly was often pared — notably, for women’s sufage and racial segregatn — not only took much longer to reach their goals but also appeared to leave a ridue of unrolved nflict even after the nstutnal issu were settled.

In the sprg of 1996, Whe Hoe talkg pots on the topic — which Print Bill Clton personally approved — argued that the print “do not believe is appropriate for srce feral rourc to be voted to providg spoal benefs to partners gay and lbian relatnships. In pretrial statements, the state attorney general’s office dned a range of potential ratnal: that Hawaii thori had an tert ensurg that the state’s legal relatnships were regnized other jurisdictns; that the state had an tert furtherg procreatn wh marriage; that heterosexual marriag were better for children; that the islands’ tourist enomy uld suffer if Hawaii beme Lake Tahoe for gay and lbian none of the ratnal managed to persua judg — eher Hawaii or subsequent succsful challeng to marriage laws Vermont, Massachetts, Connecticut, California and Iowa. ” But afterward, even the most cynil observers of events Massachetts and the stat that followed s lead uld not pot to any societal y that gay marriage both the legal and polil spher, opponents were forced to shrk the circle of those expected to feel direct harm om lettg gay men and lbians marry.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* QUEERS AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE

I'm a Gay Army Officer—Queer Troops Mt Fight Back .

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