What to Do When Your Child Says: "I'm Gay" | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• THIS IS HOW I FELT WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY
• MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?
• JT BEE HE BREATH: LEARNG TO TLY LOVE OUR GAY SON
• I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY
• MY TEEN SON SAYS HE'S GAY
• THIS IS HOW I REALLY REACTED WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY
• YOUR CHILD JT TOLD YOU HE'S GAY. NOW WHAT?
• SO YOU THK YOUR SON IS GAY? DON'T ASK. LET HIM TELL YOU
• LIVGTOPICSALL LIVGSAVAGE LOVETRAVELASTROLOGYFROM THE VLTHEALTHSTYLELGBT+SEX & ROMANCEBT OF VANUVERTRANSPORATNCARTOONSHOMELS VANUVER SAVAGE LOVE COLUMNTHE SAME L SHOULD APPLY WHETHER YOUR SON IS GAY OR STRAIGHT
• IS MY SON GAY OR IS A PHASE?
• GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?
• MY SON THKS HE’S GAY

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

As I relayed When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know (Sterlg, 2016), I found out that my son was gay om a note wh our son's name entwed wh another boy's, surround by a heart. Had I asked him if he were gay when he was 13, he probably would have fensively said "No! San Berland, the mother of a gay son who ach parents of LGBTQ kids, utn, "It's not a good ia to ask.

THIS IS HOW I FELT WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY

Acrdg to my -thor, psychiatrist Jonathan Tobk, "Gay children feel credibly vulnerable when g out to their parents, and tak time to work up the urage to do this. Mol acceptance by not g gay slurs and never tellg gay jok. Watch gay-themed shows together such as "The Fosters" and "Will and Grace.

In a way, you have an advantage by not knowg; giv you more time to prepare for the day (if ever) when he do reveal he's gay.

MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

For help alg wh all this, ntact PFLAG, which giv valuable support to parents wh gay children. When parents learn that their child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, they n experience a range of emotns. As a matter of fact, you might someday look back and fd that you are grateful for the experience of havg a gay or lbian child.

Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups. If you jt found out your child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, you may be thkg that such ias are prepostero. The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life.

JT BEE HE BREATH: LEARNG TO TLY LOVE OUR GAY SON

Contact Parents, Fay, and Friends of Lbians and Gays (PFLAG). List of Helpful Books for Parents of Gay and Lbian Children.

Straight Parents Gay Children: Keepg Fai Together (revised edn). Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lbians, and Gays Talk About Their Experienc. Somethg to Tell You: The Road Fai Travel when a Child is Gay.

Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child. Fortunate Fai: Catholic fai wh lbian dghters and gay sons. If you’d like to jo the Fom, drop a le at do feel like to fd out that your son is gay?

I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY

He don’t “act gay, ” but ’s not a huge leap to image him beg still put me to shock.

MY TEEN SON SAYS HE'S GAY

”“Don’t get stuck on thkg about the mechanics of gay sex. Bee I’m obvly the person who is gog to have trouble unrstandg that he’s gay. Dave, I have a 17-year-old son, and I am fairly sure he is gay.

I psed on our lol PBS affiliate, where a huge choir was sgg, and after a few sends I realized was the Gay Men's Chos of some cy or another dog a fundraisg ncert. At this time my life, I was 99 percent certa I was gay, though nowhere near ready to sprg on my parents.

We had no gay people our liv back then, no way to gge my fay's level of tolerance. We had no gay people our liv back then, no way to gge my fay's level of watched as they livered a rendn of what I remember as "Somewhere Over the Rabow, " bee eher they or my memory are unfivably basic.

THIS IS HOW I REALLY REACTED WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY

Stirrg and brave and subversive, g as did a time before marriage equaly was on the map, a time when you only saw gay people on the news.

Good on you for not pot-blank askg your son whether he's gay. It means one simple, pable thg: Once you have told your dad you're gay, there is no gog back. Right now, he has to be secretive, not bee he's gay, but bee he's 17.

YOUR CHILD JT TOLD YOU HE'S GAY. NOW WHAT?

I'd love to say that you should do a big, showy "Hey, I sure do like those gay people" at the dner table.

I wish were as simple and CBS-smy as ve the gay guy om work to fay bowlg night. By now u probably have an ia of what i am about to says: I am gayRyan says: i n't believe i jt told youMom says: Are you jokg?

SO YOU THK YOUR SON IS GAY? DON'T ASK. LET HIM TELL YOU

Ryan says: i know i amRyan says: i don't like hannahRyan says: 's jt a ver-upMom says: but that don't make you says: i knowRyan says: but u don't unrstandRyan says: i am gayMom says: tell me moreRyan says: 's jt the way i am and 's somethg i knowRyan says: u r not a lbian and u know that. Ryan says: i am jt gayRyan says: i am thatMom says: I love you no matter whatRyan says: i am whe not blackRyan says: i knowRyan says: i am a boy not a girlRyan says: i am attracted to boys not girlsRyan says: u know that about yourself and i know thisMom says: what about what God thks about actg on the sir? Not that we didn't know and love gay people; my only brother had e out to several years before, and we adored him.

Your inty is not that you are gay; is that you are a child of love you.

He read all the books that claimed to know where his gay feelgs me om, dove to unselg to further disver the whys of his unwanted attractn to other guys, worked through paful nflict rolutn wh my hband and me and built strong iendships wh other guys -- straight guys -- jt like the reparative therapy experts advised. And we lost the abily to love our gay son, bee we no longer had a gay son.

LIVGTOPICSALL LIVGSAVAGE LOVETRAVELASTROLOGYFROM THE VLTHEALTHSTYLELGBT+SEX & ROMANCEBT OF VANUVERTRANSPORATNCARTOONSHOMELS VANUVER SAVAGE LOVE COLUMNTHE SAME L SHOULD APPLY WHETHER YOUR SON IS GAY OR STRAIGHT

What we had wished for, prayed for, hoped for -- that we would not have a gay son -- me te. But not at all the way we had, when I thk back on the fear that erned all my reactns durg those first six years after Ryan told he was gay, I crge as I realize how foolish I was.

Now, whenever Rob and I jo our gay iends for an eveng, I thk about how much I would love to be visg wh Ryan and his partner over dner. 14, 2013, which would have been Ryan's 24th is now posted, along wh other blog posts, at sonGay ChildrenLGBT kidsParents Of Gay kidsgay kids.

Qutn: TWO months ago my son Gav, 29, announced that he is gay.

IS MY SON GAY OR IS A PHASE?

He me home one weekend to expla to me and my hband that he has been livg wh his partner for three months and has known he was gay sce he was 17.

UPSET: Mary n't e to terms wh the fact that her son is gay / pic posed by molsI was vastated and me as a shock bee Gav has the past brought girliends home to meet .

Mary, 57, SheffieldAnswer:DEBORAH SAYS:How do you e to terms wh the news your son is gay? You have to let them parents fd hard to accept their child is gay.

GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?

Perhaps is ls difficult than once was bee there is ls secrecy and ls opprobrium surroundg homosexualy but is still hard bee upsets all your expectatns about your mt have been very difficult for Gav to e home and tell you this. Of urse you wouldn’ you n’t “e to terms” wh homosexualy you n’t e to terms wh him.

In the midst of this three-way screamg my son blurted out "mom and dad you should know that I'm gay. I had spected that my son might be gay but I'm wonrg if he might have said that sce he was angry. It is actually not unmon for teens who are gay to let their parents know durg the heat of a fight.

Keep md that gay teens are at risk for all kds of psychologil distrs and you want to do whatever you n to provi a safe haven and a buffer for your son.

MY SON THKS HE’S GAY

Beg gay is only one aspect of his inty and he is the same person today that he was before he told you that he is gay. I have had gay iends (and been eply hurt and disappoted when beme obv.