'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYIEND IS GAY
• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• QUIZ: IS MY HBAND GAY?
• IS YOUR BOYIEND ACTUALLY GAY?
• I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY: WHAT DO I DO?
• 7 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY, AND 5 WAYS YOU CAN HELP HIM
• AM I GAY?

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

If you have had any notn at all that this is a possibily, might help you to know the 6 signs that may suggt that your hband is gay.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Issu ncerng sexual sire alone are not a sure-fire sign your hband is gay, but women who report that their hbands turned out to be gay often say this was somethg they noticed first. But remember, there n be many reasons why sex a marriage is ls than satisfyg, other than the fact that your hband may be gay. His social media ntacts are unual and full of people, or new iends that you don’t know how he knows them and many of which are gay.

It’s highly unlikely that, if your partner is straight, he would want to put his picture and rmatn on a gay datg se. In most s, if your hband has been hidg gay tennci om you, ’s probably bee he is the closet and don’t know how to e out to you or anybody else his life. And, if you do fd out signs your hband is gay, then the first thg that you’ll need to do is to s down and talk to him.

It is entirely possible that he might ny that he’s gay om the offset, whout givg you any satisfactory answers to your qutns.

IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT

If you n live a marriage where you are sure that your hband might be gay, some personal unselg might help you work through this so that you n fd the right way forward for you. So, next time if you have siar doubts md, jt study your partner, check out his browsg histori and fd rmatn about his iends and you will e across signs your hband is gay. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. If you're a woman, you may have noticed thgs about your Hband that lead you to believe he's gay or terted men.

It might be surprisg to know that if your spoe isn't straight, he might actually display extreme homophobic behavur. He will show signs of disapproval towards gay men and gay upl, as well as be particularly vol about how wrong homosexualy is.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

If your hband is seekg out male pany, or jog certa clubs or groups that are specifilly for men, uld be a sign that he is gay, and wants to spend a lot of time wh men or a certa man, away om you. There are many reasons why someone might act this way, so this by self is not a surefire sign that he’s gay.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYIEND IS GAY

If he’s gay, he might thrive on other men’s attentn, equently touch or hug them, or exchange flirty ments wh them (pecially about their physil appearance).

But is there a mographic of people that are also gay, people you have never heard of, and people that seem to be new iends that they never mentned to you? In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn.

He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason, he’s been lookg at gay porn or he’s been havg sex wh men.

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

A lot of the time the men e on their own and they’re holdg my book about g out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay. That’s unual, bee most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is havg gay sex, he’s gay.

” I always joke wh clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walkg on the beach and checkg people out, the women are the way.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women. When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic.

The straight men have no homophobia at all—to the pot where they’re willg to seek unselg om me, an openly gay therapist.

A lot of tim the gay men never even make to me (whout promptg om their wife, anyway) bee they’re riddled wh homophobia and I’m too gay for them. A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way. So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met.

QUIZ: IS MY HBAND GAY?

Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh.

And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy. But when the marriage is over bee your spoe turns out to be gay, there is a whole different layer of thoughts and emotns to ntend wh.

IS YOUR BOYIEND ACTUALLY GAY?

Bonnie Kaye,, me to specialize helpg women face this unanticipated reason for the mise of their marriage after her own marriage llapsed by virtue of her hband beg gay.

Kaye reports that when a woman learns the reason for the problems her marriage-namely homosexualy, she go through a wi range of emotns om vastatn, shame, guilt, rponsibily, and perhaps even to repulsn. Acrdg to, there are over 4 ln women this untry who are married to, or have been married to gay men, and there are lns more throughout the world. "In almost all s, " Kaye stat, "women wh gay hbands are unaware of their hbands' homosexualy at the time of the marriage.

I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY

The answers to the qutns pend on if the gay or lbian spoe knew and tried to reprs the homosexual attractns, whether he or she didn't know they were gay, or if they are bisexual (attracted to both genrs) or pansexual (attracted more to a person's spir or personaly rather than a person's anatomy) so the attractn to their spoe was real was real but not limed to one person or genr. The seems to be no shortage of support out there on this subject matter and I also me across several books on the topic that may be of help to both the gay and straight spoe.

If you're a woman, you may have noticed thgs about your boyiend that lead you to believe he's gay or terted men. If you believe your boyiend lov and r for you but he "seems to be gay, " keep md that he uld be bisexual, pansexual, or terted men.

” Notice if he acts unfortable around gay men, regularly mak homophobic ments or jok, or liberately never talks about anythg remotely gay.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

He might also be wrtlg wh ternalized homophobia or self-loathg bee of the nflict between his inty and his upbrgg.

An enunter his teen or llege years is more likely to mean he’s gay or queer than an experience later life, which uld have more plex explanatns. Don’t rely on gay stereotyp like an effemate voice or walk, flashy or tight clothg, his TV and mic preferenc, or beg a neat eak to terme your boyiend’s sexualy. My gay ex broke an anniversary dner wh me and plans for New Year tellg me that he knew the guys a lot longer than he knew me.

) Hidg Behd Relign-Some gay hbands hi behd the church g and twistg scripture as a form of domance, ntrol, and obedience.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Adam* said was dangero to e out as gay his home untry and feared beg forced to an arranged marriage wh a said he was "so lucky" to wed his soulmate, Ray, Manchter and wish everyone uld marry who they love. There are more than 60 untri wh laws that crimalise same-sex sexual acts acrdg to the Internatnal Lbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Associatn, cludg Sdi Arabia. 'Authentilly myself'Ray said he had also stggled growg up gay the 1970s and 80s England, which was "tough" said his relig school "dmmed to you, 'you are gog to hell'" Adam returned home to Sdi Arabia, spe beg more than 3, 000 apart and later rtricted by the Covid-19 panmic, they kept touch daily and the romance years ago, Ray proposed on a vio ll and after succsfully applyg for a UK fiancé visa, Adam moved to Manchter December 2022.

Adam said he had been aaid to even wear lours his home untry so the first thg he did when he moved was start to "grow my mullet, got my ears pierced and booked appotments for tattoos" relled how, ntrast, one of his gay iends Sdi had been forced to marry a woman, addg: "It has ed not only his life but the life of his wife.

I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY: WHAT DO I DO?

The uple, who live London, said a "really betiful memory" was on the way home when one of their sons shouted out of the black b wdow to Trafalgar Square, "My dads jt got married" and cheered "Yay, gay marriage".

7 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY, AND 5 WAYS YOU CAN HELP HIM

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this. There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

AM I GAY?

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way. Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet.

Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married.

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife?