'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight.

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.

Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act? I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay. He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done.

Bonnie (unknowgly) married a gay man 1978, sufferg through several highly abive years before the marriage end. When I started school, I also formed a support group for women who were or had been married to gay men. I had seen an article a magaze at the supermarket, was Woman’s Day, about six women who had gay hbands.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

If happened, they didn’t want to spread the word bee homosexualy was totally a different stigma back then.

If you told people your hband was gay, and right away people would look at you and blame you. I had a lumn lled “Straight Talk” where I told the difference between a straight perspective and the gay perspective, and I did some feature stori, also. I jt started gettg more and more volved tryg to help people unrstand that gay men marryg straight women is highly unlikely to be a succsful batn.

I mean, there’s no way a gay man n fd the fulfillment and satisfactn he’s lookg for when he’s trapped a suatn that he shouldn’t be at all. So eventually you started workg wh and wrg about women who were unsuccsful marriag wh gay men?

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

Then there are the men who will never adm, no matter what, that they are gay—even though they’re havg sex wh men. Let me ask you this qutn about limbo men: If you’ve got a limbo man, sexually gay but emotnally straight, and he’s wh a woman who has no tert sex and don’t re who he’s sexual wh, what would you say to them? There are plenty of men who choose to jt pe wh as bt they n, and there are plenty of women who stay wh a gay man for all kds of reasons—fancial, emotnal, social, etc.

They may not have known the begng that he was gay, but they strongly spect by the time they e to me.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

There aren’t a lot of books out there for married gay men, so we cid to do that one a few years ago. Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe? Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this.

People seem to get up arms when a man says he is not gay but rather simply attracted to men. Later, their gay sexual inti surface and here they are—heterosexually married wh children. There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife.

” To the man, I say, “Consir whether you n really keep your homosexual feelgs and sir check. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet.

THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS

If your hband says he didn’t know he was gay when he married you, he most likely didn’t know.

Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. Typilly the men are homophobic and want me to reassure them and their wiv that they aren’t gay.

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife? Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relatnship like he did his ex-wife. I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

Given the polil climate surroundg gay marriage at the time, some might have even been thankg their lucky stars that Matthew had dodged a sparkly, rabow-lored bullet.