Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY MEN’S FEARS OF LONG-TERM ROMANCE
• GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S HEALTH ISSU
• AGE DIFFERENC GAY COUPL
• THE CHALLENG OF GAY MEN RELATNSHIP AND 8 WAYS TO MAKE IT EASIER
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• HOW TO TACKLE GAY RELATNSHIP PROBLEMS
• GAY COUPL CAN TEACH STRAIGHT PEOPLE A THG OR TWO ABOUT ARGUG
• THE ASSOCIATNS OF SEXUAL SIRE, DAILY STRS, AND TIMACY GAY MEN LONG-TERM RELATNSHIPS
• ATTACHMENT AND RELATNSHIP SATISFACTN AMONG GAY MEN: THE MEDIATG ROLE OF WELL-BEG

GAY MEN’S FEARS OF LONG-TERM ROMANCE

Th, there is likely more rearch on LGBTQ+ relatnship experienc journals such as Psychology & Sexualy, LGBT Health, Journal of Lbian Studi, Journal of Homosexualy, and the APA Journal of Sexual Orientatn and Genr Diversy. Mothers who enjoy the sensivy and shared terts of gay sons may lean too much on them, g them to fulfill their unmet emotnal believ that the dynamics n prevent adult gay men om formg long-term romantic bonds.

Many gay men seek affirmatn not through an endurg, lovg relatnship, he said, but cultivatg large works of iends, pursug transient sexual liaisons, focg on profsnal succs and creatg flawlsly appoted environments for his new book, Commment and Healg: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love, Isay scrib how therapy n help provi gay men wh sight to the effects of childhood fluenc on the pacy to m to a partner. A clil profsor at Weill Medil College of Cornell Universy and a faculty member at the Columbia Universy Center for Psychoanalytic Trag and Rearch, Isay draws upon his experience as a Manhattan psychotherapist wh mostly gay published his first book, Beg Homosexual: Gay Men and Their Development, 1989, at a time when he was g out.

His 1996 book, Beg Gay, outl the ways which gay teenagers and adults velop said that his new book has stirred up some ntroversy bee he argu that gay upl who tolerate sexual adventur outsi the partnership may do so out of an unnsc fear of closens rather than a sense of liberatn om tradnal heterosexual strictur. “It ns unter to the prevailg doctr of the gay muny that mata that our relatnships are fe, more mocratic and better than heterosexual relatnships, ” said hop that his new book will help gay men to exame the patterns of their romantic relatnships and perhaps seek the guidance of a therapist attuned to gay issu. There are a few optns for gay men and bisexual men same-sex relatnships who aspire to have children, cludg surrogacy, where sperm is ed to fertilize a donated egg, which is then rried to term by a surrogate mother.

GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S HEALTH ISSU

Approval of same-sex relatnships has been steadily risg sce 2009 (Pew Rearch Center, 2017), and the 2015 Supreme Court cisn endorsg same-sex marriage was a w for many lbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) dividuals. Inially, I was unnvced the relatnships were ser, but that was bee I held stereotypil views: an olr gay man who was lookg for a trophy-mate and has the money to take re of his boy toy and a younger man who was lookg for a sugar daddy.

AGE DIFFERENC GAY COUPL

Was pletg his doctoral dissertatn, “May-December: Navigatg Life as an Intergeneratnal Gay Couple, ” he thoroughly rearched what proved to be the limed available lerature on tergeneratnal upl.

Most people on the pla, wh the exceptn of a few young people today a handful of ty progrsive neighborhoods, have been raised wh the shamg notn that is better for them to be straight than to be gay. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

THE CHALLENG OF GAY MEN RELATNSHIP AND 8 WAYS TO MAKE IT EASIER

Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy. " Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls.

Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers). When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son. Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance.

If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future. For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers.

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships.

Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man. Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt. Rick’s practice the Boston area specializ work wh gay men and Clton’s Sydney serv the LBGTQ for this month’s blog, I reached out to Rick and Clton to help rears who work primarily wh heterosexual upl and want to expand your knowledge base for helpg gay men.

I’ll start wh some of Rick’s sights on mon issu for gay male upl and follow up wh a set of qutns om Clton that open munitn l and pave the way for your Miller has been a popular prenter at the annual Coupl Conferenc that we -sponsor wh the Milton Erickson Foundatn. For example:No gay upl are monogamoGay upl don’t have sexls relatnshipsAll gay men like anal sexGay men don’t have erectn issuHe suggted openg the topic of sexualy wh some ial you open or monogamo?

HOW TO TACKLE GAY RELATNSHIP PROBLEMS

I too see a lot of siari between workg wh straight and gay upl, but the ma difference the gay male upl I work wh is they often place a lot of importance on sex and prent for therapy when there are sexual problems, betrayal issu, they want to explore and negotiate some form of non-monogamy, or a non-monogamo arrangement is not workg. Some mon dilemmas clu fay (particularly parental) disapproval, societal homophobia, pecially if you live a part of the untry where beg gay is perceived as abnormal, and discrimatn (overt or subtle) at the workplace. Your partner may not agree wh the way you handle your parents’ attu towards your same-sex relatnship, or get irrated when you don’t stand up for yourself agast a homophobic slur or an act of discrimatn at the office.

Public opn studi over the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s routely showed that, among large segments of the public, lbian, gay, and bisexual people were the target of strongly held negative attus. The associatn of HIV/AIDS wh gay and bisexual men and the accurate belief that some people held that all gay and bisexual men were fected served to further stigmatize lbian, gay, and bisexual people.

GAY COUPL CAN TEACH STRAIGHT PEOPLE A THG OR TWO ABOUT ARGUG

Dpe the persistence of stereotyp that portray lbian, gay, and bisexual people as disturbed, several s of rearch and clil experience have led all mastream medil and mental health anizatns this untry to nclu that the orientatns reprent normal forms of human experience. Helpful rpons of a therapist treatg an dividual who is troubled about her or his same sex attractns clu helpg that person actively pe wh social prejudic agast homosexualy, succsfully rolve issu associated wh and rultg om ternal nflicts, and actively lead a happy and satisfyg life.

The phrase “g out” is ed to refer to several aspects of lbian, gay, and bisexual persons’ experienc: self-awarens of same-sex attractns; the tellg of one or a few people about the attractns; wispread disclosure of same-sex attractns; and intifitn wh the lbian, gay, and bisexual muny. Th, is not surprisg that lbians and gay men who feel they mt nceal their sexual orientatn report more equent mental health ncerns than do lbians and gay men who are more open; they may even have more physil health problems. Lbian, gay, and bisexual youth who do well spe strs—like all adolcents who do well spe strs—tend to be those who are socially petent, who have good problem-solvg skills, who have a sense of tonomy and purpose, and who look forward to the future.

THE ASSOCIATNS OF SEXUAL SIRE, DAILY STRS, AND TIMACY GAY MEN LONG-TERM RELATNSHIPS

If they are a heterosexual relatnship, their experienc may be que siar to those of people who intify as heterosexual unls they choose to e out as bisexual; that se, they will likely face some of the same prejudice and discrimatn that lbian and gay dividuals enunter. The picture that emerg om this rearch shows that children of gay and lbian parents enjoy a social life that is typil of their age group terms of volvement wh peers, parents, fay members, and iends. In summary, social science has shown that the ncerns often raised about children of lbian and gay parents, ncerns that are generally ground prejudice agast and stereotyp about gay people, are unfound.

ATTACHMENT AND RELATNSHIP SATISFACTN AMONG GAY MEN: THE MEDIATG ROLE OF WELL-BEG

When lbians, gay men, and bisexual people feel ee to make public their sexual orientatn, heterosexuals are given an opportuny to have personal ntact wh openly gay people and to perceive them as dividuals. Antigay attus are far ls mon among members of the populatn who have a close iend or fay member who is lbian or gay, pecially if the gay person has directly e out to the heterosexual person. While there is not much rearch to draw om, the studi that do exist suggt that, on average, same-sex upl rolve nflict more nstctively than different-sex upl, and wh ls are always exceptns, and even the healthit of gay upl are not ntually baskg a rabow-hued utopia.

Likewise, is unfair to lump all straight upl together, and disgenuo to suggt that they are not pable of argug a healthy bee male and female same-sex upl each have different strengths that help them endure, we n all learn om them, Miller are some nstctive methods to handle disagreements, as observed by rearchers of gay upl:Use humor to fe angerCrackg a joke the midst of a heated moment n backfire, but when done properly, “ almost immediately releas the tensn, ” said Robert Rave, 45, who liv wh his hband, David Forrt, Los ced a recent r trip where Forrt, 35, ed humor to help end an latg argument over whether they should rely on Google Maps. A 2018 study suggted that when members of a same-sex uple try to fluence one another, they are more likely to offer enuragement and praise rather than cricism or lectur when pared to different-sex mdful of each other’s emotnal needsUnlike gay men, women who are married to women are “nstantly monorg each other’s emotns and needs and rpondg to them — but they are dog for each other, so ’s reciproted, ” said Debra Umberson, Ph. Most prev fdgs on the topics were based on cross-sectnal rearch among men and women mixed-sex relatnships, and are th silent wh regard to aly [7], and not necsarily reprentative for gay men [8].

The prent study aimed to fill this gap by disentanglg the terrelatns gay men between daily strs, sexual sire, and timacy durg the day and across multiple days, g high-equent elogil momentary asssment methodology.