'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• CAN I MARRY A WOMAN AS A GAY MAN?
• WHY AS A GAY MAN I STAND FOR TRADNAL MARRIAGE
• GAY MEN OM HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG: ATTUS, BEHAVRS, CHILDHOOD EXPERIENC, AND REASONS FOR MARRIAGE
• SHOULD A GAY COUPLE, ONCE CONVERTED, STAY ‘MARRIED’?
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN
• FREQUENTLY ASKED QUTNS ABOUT THE FERAL MARRIAGE AMENDMENT AND GAY MARRIAGE

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way.

SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?

Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married. He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married.

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay.

Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight. And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay. He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

CAN I MARRY A WOMAN AS A GAY MAN?

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

WHY AS A GAY MAN I STAND FOR TRADNAL MARRIAGE

On June 26, 2015, the US Supreme Court led that gay marriage is a right protected by the US Constutn all 50 stat.

US public opn had shifted signifintly over the years, om 27% approval of gay marriage 1996 to 55% 2015, the year beme legal throughout the Uned Stat, to 61% 2019. Proponents of legal gay marriage ntend that gay marriage bans are discrimatory and unnstutnal, and that same-sex upl should have accs to all the benefs enjoyed by different-sex upl. On July 25, 2014 Miami-Da County Circu Court Judge Sarah Zabel led Florida’s gay marriage ban unnstutnal and stated that the ban “serv only to hurt, to discrimate, to prive same-sex upl and their fai of equal digny, to label and treat them as send-class cizens, and to em them unworthy of participatn one of the fundamental stutns of our society.

GAY MEN OM HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG: ATTUS, BEHAVRS, CHILDHOOD EXPERIENC, AND REASONS FOR MARRIAGE

The Amerin Psychologil Associatn, Amerin Psychiatric Associatn, and others nclud that legal gay marriage giv upl “accs to the social support that already facilat and strengthens heterosexual marriag, wh all of the psychologil and physil health benefs associated wh that support.

SHOULD A GAY COUPLE, ONCE CONVERTED, STAY ‘MARRIED’?

A study found that same-sex married upl were “signifintly ls distrsed than lbian, gay, and bisexual persons not a legally regnized relatnship. A 2010 analysis found that after their stat had banned gay marriage, gay, lbian and bisexual people suffered a 37% crease mood disorrs, a 42% crease alhol-e disorrs, and a 248% crease generalized anxiety disorrs. The Congrsnal Budget Office timated 2004 that ferally-regnized gay marriage would cut the budget fic by around $450 ln a year.

In July 2012 New York Cy Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that gay marriage had ntributed $259 ln to the cy’s enomy jt a year sce the practice beme legal there July 2011. In 2012, the Williams Instute at the Universy of California at Los Angel (UCLA) found that the first five years after Massachetts legalized gay marriage 2004, same-sex weddg expendur (such as venue rental, weddg k, etc.

Relig stutns n cle to marry gay and lbian upl if they wish, but they should not dictate marriage laws for society at large. Gay marriage is a civil right protected by the US Constutn’s mments to liberty and equaly, and is an ternatnally regnized human right for all people.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

Civil unns and domtic partnerships uld provi the protectns and benefs gay upl need whout changg the fn of marriage. 2016 printial ndidate and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fra stated that civil unns are aquate as an equivalent to marriage: “Benefs are beg btowed to gay upl [ civil unns]… I believe we need to rpect those who believe that the word marriage has a spirual foundatn… Why n’t we rpect and tolerate that while at the same time sayg ernment nnot btow benefs unequally. Court papers filed July 2014 by attorneys fendg Arizona’s gay marriage ban stated that “the State regulat marriage for the primary purpose of channelg potentially procreative sexual relatnships to endurg unns for the sake of jog children to both their mother and their father… Same-sex upl n never provi a child wh both her blogil mother and her blogil father.

Contrary to the pro gay marriage argument that some different-sex upl nnot have children or don’t want them, even those s there is still the potential to produce children.

WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN

Gay marriage has accelerated the assiatn of gays to mastream heterosexual culture to the triment of the homosexual muny.

By rcg the differenc opportuni and experienc between gay and heterosexual people, this unique culture may cease to exist.

Lee Badgett, PhD, Director of the Center for Public Policy and Admistratn at the Universy of Massachetts at Amherst, stated that for many gay activists “marriage means adoptg heterosexual forms of fay and givg up distctively gay fay forms and perhaps even gay and lbian culture. Pla Ettelbrick, JD, Profsor of Law and Women’s Studi, wrote 1989, “Marriage ns ntrary to two of the primary goals of the lbian and gay movement: the affirmatn of gay inty and culture and the validatn of many forms of relatnships. LGBT activist llective Agast Equaly stated, “Gay marriage ap hetero privilege… [and] creas enomic equaly by perpetuatg a system which ems married begs more worthy of the basics like health re and enomic rights.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUTNS ABOUT THE FERAL MARRIAGE AMENDMENT AND GAY MARRIAGE

The lears of the Gay Liberatn Front New York said July 1969, “We expose the stutn of marriage as one of the most sid and basic staers of the system.

Queer activist Anrs Zanichkowsky stated June 2013 that the then mpaign for gay marriage “tentnally and malicly eras and exclus so many queer people and cultur, particularly trans and genr non-nformg people, poor queer people, and queer people non-tradnal fai… marriage thks non-married people are viant and not tly servg of civil rights.

Gay marriage is ntrary to the word of God and is patible wh the beliefs, sacred texts, and tradns of many relig groups.