'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• CLOSETED GAY MEN – WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE?
• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS
• HOW MANY AMERIN MEN ARE GAY?
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• 19 GAY WEDDG ATTIRE PICS PROVG 2 GROOMS ARE BETTER THAN 1
• MEN WEARG WEDDG GOWNS: THE NEXT TREND GAY WEDDGS? 

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

” Jim, now 62, ns a group Boston lled GAMMA – the Gay and Married Men’s Associatn – one of many siar groups which meet ci around the a month they gather for two hours to share stori.

In Boston, Jim says he’s seen men outed after beg arrted cisg at gay bears, or outed by private vtigators hired by their those who are still the closet, n be paful, terrifyg, and exhstg. He knew he had been attracted to men adolcence, but was somethg he tried not to thk was the mid-70s, but spe the sexual revolutn happeng around him, he says homosexualy jt wasn’t somethg you thought loved his wife. “Some guys believe that beg gay has lerally jt happened then, but then you dig a ltle eper and you often fd out that they’ve had [those feelgs] sce childhood, ” he both Sydney and Boston, the average age of men who e to group meetgs has been fallg.

CLOSETED GAY MEN – WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE?

“A lot of the younger people we see knew they were gay and realised but wanted to have the tradnal fay and kids and thought they uld ratnalise , or told themselv they were bi, ” Jim says. ”Rippg off the band-aidJim says didn’t que click for him that he was gay until he was his early 30s and accintally stumbled upon a gay beat a public bathroom. My gay ex broke an anniversary dner wh me and plans for New Year tellg me that he knew the guys a lot longer than he knew me.

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men. And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay.

He says his wife has her spicns pecially sce she often asks him why most of his phone nversatns are wh believ that she would fd difficult to nont that realy as she strongly nmns any ht of homosexualy the church.

Dpe an outward display of beg a happy fay man, ep si Morris is aaid he may never fd real a 46-year-old gay man a heterosexual marriage, he has rigned himself to meetg people who want to blackmail him wh threats of exposg his secret somethg which he says has happened on three ocsns or those not terted a long-term relatnship bee he is too unmon KenyaRelatnship unsellor and sexologist, Fah Mwangagi says there are many gay men who are married to women. Mwangangi says is not easy for gay people to clare their homosexualy bee of fear of reprisal (some have been physilly attacked) and rejectn on grounds that such sexual orientatn is 'unnatural and un-Ain'. “Women nnot afford to ignore their primal stct, choosg stead to try to stifle the gayns of the man wh hope and love, ” she number of men g out of the closet and clarg their sexual orientatn is risg bee, acrdg to Mwangangi, society is creasgly allowg men to be who they really want to be.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

As gay people mt ci on a daily basis whether to reveal and to whom they will reveal, g out is a procs that never the jargon of ntemporary homosexual culture, those who hi their sexual inti are referred to as eher closeted or said to be the closet. Homosexual IntiIn the velopmental histori of gay men and women, perds of difficulty acknowledgg their homosexualy, eher to themselv or to others, are often reported.

On the ntrary, begng childhood--and distguishg them om racial and ethnic mori--gay people are often subjected to the antihomosexual attus of their own fai and muni (Drcher et al., 2004).

THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS

Antihomosexual attus clu homophobia (Weberg, 1972), heterosexism (Herek, 1984), moral nmnatns of homosexualy (Drcher, 1998) and antigay vlence (Herek and Berrill, 1992). Hidg activi learned childhood often persist to young adulthood, middle age and even sencence, leadg many gay people to nceal important aspects of themselv.

Closeted dividuals equently nnot acknowledge to themselv, let alone to others, their homoerotic feelgs, attractns and fantasi. Consequently, the feelgs mt be dissociated om the self and hidn om and when same-sex feelgs and attractns n no longer be kept out of nscns, the dividual be homosexually self-aware.

While homosexually self-aware people might nsir acceptg and tegratg the feelgs to their public persona, acceptance is not a pre-termed oute. For example, a relig, homosexually self-aware man may choose a celibate life to avoid what, for him, would be the problematic tegratn of his relig and sexual inti.

HOW MANY AMERIN MEN ARE GAY?

Individuals who are eher nscly prepared to act on their homoerotic feelgs or to reveal a homosexual inty to others ually fe themselv as gay or lbian. The people have experienced homosexual self-awarens, may have acted on their feelgs, and may have even once intified as gay or lbian. While regnizg their homosexual feelgs, the dividuals reject the feelgs and, spe the low odds of succs, may even seek to change their sexual orientatn (Shidlo et al., 2001) above classifitn of homosexual inti privileg the role of self-fn.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Consequently, when dividuals bee homosexually self-aware, there is a wi range of psychosocially nstcted attus and rpons they may velop toward their own homosexualy.

THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.

For example, a homosexually self-aware man may ially intify himself as gay but then regret that cisn and return to his earlier practic of hidg. Another may choose a non-gay inty, attempt a "sexual nversn" therapy, but then later ci to accept his homosexual feelgs and e out.

Clil prentatns of closeted gay people may lie somewhere severy between selective attentn--most monly seen the se of homosexually self-aware patients thkg about "the possibily" that they might be gay--to more severe dissociatn-- which any ht of same-sex feelgs ris totally out of nsc awarens.

More severe forms of dissociatn are monly observed married men who are homosexually self-aware but nnot perm the thought of themselv as gay (Roughton, 2002) and the ClosetSome closeted gay people n reflexively speak whout revealg the genr of the person beg discsed or whout providg any genred tails of their personal liv.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

" Toward that end, a gay person might avoid referenc to genr altogether: "I went out last night wh someone I've been datg for the last few weeks. Transparency, visibily, losg one's voice, and beg stuck behd walls or other barriers are some of the terms ed to scribe the subjective experience of dissociative tachment (Drcher, 1998) Closet and Gay-BashgFor some gay men, "Hidg and passg as heterosexual be a lifelong moral hatred of the self; a maze of rptns, petty li, and half tths that spoil social relatns fay and iendship" (Herdt and Boxer, 1993). One penile plethysmography study dited that men wh strong antihomosexual beliefs actually had signifint homosexual aroal patterns (Adams et al., 1996).

19 GAY WEDDG ATTIRE PICS PROVG 2 GROOMS ARE BETTER THAN 1

In other words, is an effort to strengthen dissociative OutComg out may be the most monly shared cultural experience that f the morn gay inty. However, the procs is not jt about revealg onelf to others-- g out, gay people tegrate, as bt they n, dissociated aspects of the self. Herdt and Boxer (1993) classified g out as a rual procs of passage that requir a gay person to 1) unlearn the prcipl of natural or sentialist heterosexualy; 2) unlearn the stereotyp of homosexualy; and 3) learn the ways of the lbian and gay culture they are enterg.

Fally, as gay people mt ci on a daily basis whether to reveal and to whom they will reveal themselv, g out is a procs that never out to onelf is a subjective experience of ner regnn. Such revelatns are not always greeted wh enthiasm, and fear of rejectn often plays a signifint role a gay person's cisn about who to tell or whether to e out.

MEN WEARG WEDDG GOWNS: THE NEXT TREND GAY WEDDGS? 

After makg such a move, gay people may pletely (and perhaps dissociatively) sever relatnships wh their past Therapist's RoleA therapist's regnn and rpect for dividual differenc allows multiple possibili the g out procs.

Every g out suatn may be associated wh anxiety, relief or prevly stated, beg gay, ntrast to beg homosexually self-aware, is to claim a normative inty.

It is a prerequise of this work that therapists be able to accept their patients' homosexualy as a normal variatn of human sexualy, and that they value and rpect same-sex feelgs and behavrs as well (Drcher, 1998).