'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• FERAL URT L A GAY MAN AND STRAIGHT WOMAN N BE A 'NJUGAL RELATNSHIP'
• GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

He’s also always been hont about beg gay and has never hidn om me. Our son took the news very well and don’t re that his father was gay.

I’ve asked my hband about , and he nfirms that he’s gay, not bisexual.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relatnship like he did his ex-wife. I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). ” His gayns isn’t somethg you n ntralize by beg a sufficiently good or extra-lovg wife. Most prompts for gay porn, meanwhile, explibly flt to people of ambiguoly LatX scent wh an unrcut hairstyle.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Is that ditive of the typ of gay porn the mols were traed on? I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. There were issu wh him om the start, but nothg to make me thk that he might be gay.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. On the east ast where we were, beg gay was still really hidn.

Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight. So even though Robert lied to me about beg gay, I did unrstand why he did .

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act?

I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg.

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

I really thought that people n choose to be straight or gay.

I did, even then, thk that many gay people are who they are and that’s all there is to . He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe?

FERAL URT L A GAY MAN AND STRAIGHT WOMAN N BE A 'NJUGAL RELATNSHIP'

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this.

People seem to get up arms when a man says he is not gay but rather simply attracted to men. In our culture, we intify ourselv via a sexual-attractn bary: gay or straight. Later, their gay sexual inti surface and here they are—heterosexually married wh children.

GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN

Many straight women married to gay men nscly choose to do so wh their ey wi open. There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife.

” To the man, I say, “Consir whether you n really keep your homosexual feelgs and sir check.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both the gay man and the straight spoe share the risk of stayg married. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way. Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet.

This will happen even if, or maybe I should say pecially if, he is nial about his gayns. If your hband says he didn’t know he was gay when he married you, he most likely didn’t know. Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

They often don’t know their inty is gay when they first e to see me.

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. Typilly the men are homophobic and want me to reassure them and their wiv that they aren’t gay. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife? Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?