How One Mother’s Love for Her Gay Son Started a Revolutn | The New Yorker

kathryn schulz gay

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HOW ONE MOTHER’S LOVE FOR HER GAY SON STARTED A REVOLUTN

Wh gay story l regularly poppg up on primetime TV and high-profile celebri regularly g out, the act of g out self don't seem like such a revelatory event anymore:"The g-out story might be to the late twentieth century what the marriage plot was to Victorian tim: a story le ma relevant by social nventns, often reprsive on--and then, as those nventns erod, ma irrelevant aga. By the end of her sophomore year, the reverse of today’s joke about llege, she had lost fifteen pounds and was sufferg om malnutrn.

She was rryg a piece of orange poster board wh a msage hand-lettered black marker: “PARENTS of GAYS: UNITE SUPPORT fOR oUR CHILDREN. They asked if they uld kiss her; they asked if she would talk to their parents; they told her that they uldn’t image their own mothers and fathers supportg them so publicly, or supportg them at woman’s name was Jeanne Manford, and she was marchg alongsi her twenty-one-year-old gay son, Morty.

'WE'RE NOT HIDG': GAY AND LBIAN RSIANS SAY A CULTURAL SHIFT IS UNRWAY

The anizatn they dreamed up that day, which started as a sgle support group Manhattan, was ially lled Parents of Gays; later, was renamed Parents FLAG, for Parents and Friends of Lbians and Gays; nowadays, is known only as PFLAG. The same year Avril was born, Morty’s psychiatrist summoned Jeanne and Jul to his office and rmed them that their beloved goln boy and sole survivg son was the bt of her knowledge, Jeanne Manford had never known anyone who was gay.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* KATHRYN SCHULZ GAY

Copy lk to rtoon</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178637)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M16.3488 10.5017C16.2107 10.7357 16.2926 11.035 16.5318 11.17C16.7709 11.3052 17.0767 11.225 17.2148 10.991L18.4648 8.87225C19.5694 7.00002 18.9139 4.60601 17.0007 3.52508C15.0875 2.44415 12.6412 3.08562 11.5366 4.95785L9.53657 8.34782C8.432 10.22 9.08751 12.6141 11.0007 13.6949C11.1888 13.8012 11.382 13.8908 11.5785 13.9642C11.7819 14.0403 12.0058 13.9485 12.1147 13.764C12.2794 13.4849 12.1103 13.1276 11.8083 12.9992C11.7041 12.9549 11.6014 12.9044 11.5007 12.8475C10.0658 12.0368 9.57417 10.2413 10.4026 8.83712L12.4026 5.44715C13.2311 4.04298 15.0658 3.56187 16.5007 4.37257C17.9356 5.18327 18.4272 6.97878 17.5988 8.38295L16.3488 10.5017ZM7.6526 13.4983C7.79067 13.2643 7.70873 12.965 7.46959 12.8299C7.23044 12.6948 6.92464 12.775 6.78657 13.009L5.53657 15.1278C4.432 17 5.0875 19.394 7.00068 20.475C8.91385 21.5558 11.3602 20.9144 12.4648 19.0422L14.4648 15.6521C15.5694 13.78 14.9139 11.3859 13.0007 10.305C12.8127 10.1988 12.6195 10.1091 12.4229 10.0357C12.2195 9.95975 11.9956 10.0515 11.8867 10.236C11.7221 10.5151 11.8911 10.8724 12.1932 11.0008C12.2973 11.0451 12.4 11.0956 12.5007 11.1525C13.9356 11.9632 14.4272 13.7587 13.5988 15.1628L11.5988 18.5529C10.7704 19.957 8.93555 20.4382 7.50068 19.6274C6.0658 18.8167 5.57417 17.0212 6.4026 15.6171L7.6526 13.4983Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button><div class="AlertWrapper-gvFATk MdjE RponsiveCartoonLkAlertPopup-BPAXn kdMXRM shoppg-alert" role="dialog"><div aria-hidn="te" role="prentatn" class="AlertArrow-daOgye AlLda alert-arrow"></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ AlertMsage-jgAjgo bVCFRm ifgabc iOlxjf alert-msage"><p aria-hidn="te">Lk pied</p></div></div></div><button aria-label="Shop" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">Acrdg to Rosenberg, Murray had jt two signifint romantic relatnships her life, both wh whe women. The first, a brief one, was wh a unsellor at a W.P.A. mp that Murray attend 1934. The send, wh a woman named Irene Barlow, whom she met at Pl, Weiss, lasted nearly a quarter of a century. Rosenberg scrib Barlow as Murray’s “life partner,” although the pair never lived the same hoe, only ocsnally lived the same cy, and left behd no rrponnce, sce Murray, otherwise a pack rat, stroyed Barlow’s letters. She says ltle about the relatnship her memoir, and only when Barlow is dyg, of a bra tumor 1973, do she even scribe her as “my clost iend.”</p><p class="paywall">By leavg her genr inty and romantic history out of her tobgraphy, Murray necsarily leav out somethg else as well: the lifetime of emotnal distrs they ed. From the time she was neteen, Murray suffered breakdowns almost annually, some of them culmatg hospalizatns, all of them triggered eher by feelg as if she were a man or by havg feelgs for a woman. Asi om makg her miserable, those breakdowns, like her race and her perceived genr, hred her profsnal life. “This nflict ris up to knock me down at every apex I reach my reer,” she nfsed to her diary. To a doctor, she wrote, “Anythg you n do to help me will be gratefully appreciated, bee my life is somewhat unbearable s prent phase.”</p><p class="paywall">Such help was not forthg. Well to middle age, Murray tried whout succs to obta hormone therapy—a treatment that srcely existed before the mid-neteen-sixti, and even then was seldom ma available to women who intified as men. When she did manage to persua medil profsnals to take her serly, the rults were disappotg. In 1938, she prevailed on a doctor to tt her endocre levels, only to learn that her female-hormone rults were regular, while her male on were low, even for a woman. Later, while unrgog an appenctomy, she asked the surgeon to check her abdomal vy and reproductive system for evince of male genalia. He did so and, to her dismay, reported afterward that she was “normal.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">When Murray died, 1985, she had nearly pleted the tobgraphy that oms this entire history. That omissn is not, of urse, entirely surprisg. Murray had lived long enough to know about the Stonewall rts and the electn and assassatn of Harvey Milk, but not long enough to see a black Print embrace gay rights, the Supreme Court voke the precent of Lovg v. Virgia to le that lbian and gay upl n marry, or her home state of North Carola play a starrg role the turbulent rise of the transgenr movement. Still, Murray’s silence about her genr and sexualy is strikg, bee she otherwise spent a lifetime sistg that her inty, like her natn, mt be fully tegrated. She hated, she wrote, “to be agmented to Negro at one time, woman at another, or worker at another.”</p><p class="paywall">Yet every movement to which Murray ever belonged vivisected her exactly those ways. On the weekend of the 1963 March on Washgton for Jobs and Freedom—often regard as the high-water mark of the civil-rights movement—the labor activist A. Philip Randolph gave a speech at the Natnal Prs Club, an all-male anizatn that, durg events, nfed women attendance to the balny. (Murray, who had never fotten the segregated movie theatr of her childhood, was outraged.) Worse, no women were clud that weekend’s meetg between movement lears and Print Kennedy, and none were the major speakg lp for the march—not Fannie Lou Hamer, not Diane Nash, not Rosa Parks, not Ella Baker.</p><p class="paywall">As the civil-rights movement was silg women, the women’s movement was silg mori and poor people. After steppg away om <em class="small">NOW</em> to serve on the Equal Employment Opportuny Commissn, Murray returned and disvered that, Rosenberg’s words, her “NAACP for women had bee an NAACP for profsnal, whe women.” As a black activist who creasgly believed te equaly was ntgent on enomic jtice, Murray was left both angry and sadned. She was also left—together wh lns of people like her—whout an obv home the social-jtice movement.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">It might have been this tratn that prompted Murray’s next move. Then, too, might have been Irene Barlow’s ath, her own advancg age, or the same rtlsns that she had displayed sce childhood. Or might have been, as she later me to believe, somethg that had simmered her for a lifetime. Whatever was, me as a shock to everyone when, havg achieved the most stable and lucrative job of her life—a tenured profsorship at Branis, the Amerin Studi partment she herself helped pneer—Murray rigned her post and entered New York’s General Theologil Semary to bee an Epispal prit.</p><p class="paywall">In classic Murray fashn, the posn she sought was officially unavailable to her: the Epispal Church did not orda women. For once, though, Murray’s timg was perfect. While she was divy school, the Church’s General Conventn voted to change that policy, effective January 1, 1977—three weeks after she would plete her urse work. On January 8th, a ceremony the Natnal Cathedral, Murray beme the first Ain-Amerin woman to be vted as an Epispal prit. A month later, she admistered her first Eucharist at the Chapel of the Cross—the ltle church North Carola where, more than a century earlier, a prit had baptized her grandmother Cornelia, then still a baby, and still a slave.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="blc1lf"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="f5y94m8"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa EOneK body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">It was the last of Murray’s many firsts. She was by then nearg seventy, jt a few years om the mandatory retirement age for Epispal prits. Never havg received a permanent ll, she took a few part-time posns and did a smatterg of supply preachg, for twenty-five dollars a sermon. She held four advanced gre, had iends on the Supreme Court and the Whe Hoe, had spent six s sharg her life and md wh some of the natn’s most powerful dividuals and stutns. Yet she died as she lived, a stone’s throw om penury.</p><p class="paywall">It is easy to wonr, the ntext of the rt of Murray’s life, if she joed the prithood chiefly bee she was told she uldn’t. There was a very fe le her between ambn and self-sabotage; highly motivated by barriers, she often stggled most after topplg them. It’s impossible to know what goals she might have formed for herself the absence of so many impediments, or what else she might have achieved.</p><p class="paywall">Murray herself felt she didn’t acplish all that she might have a more egalarian society. “If anyone should ask a Negro woman Ameri what has been her greatt achievement,” she wrote 1970, “her hont answer would be, ‘I survived!’ ” But, characteristilly, she broke that low and tragic barrier, too, makg her own life harr so that, eventually, other people’s liv would be easier. Perhaps, the end, she was drawn to the Church simply bee of the claim ma Galatians, the one nied by and by every other muny she ever found, the one she spent her whole life tryg to affirm: that, for purpos of human worth, “there is neher Jew nor Greek, there is neher slave nor ee, there is neher male nor female.” ♦</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="j8uzg7"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><footer class="ContentFooterMagazeDisclaimer-gzKAqo iZIuUU" data-ttid="MagazeDisclaimerWrapper">Published the prt edn of the <a href="/magaze/2017/04/17" data-reactroot="">April 17, 2017</a>, issue, wh the headle “Sat Pli.”</footer></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="ContributorsWrapper-eNpWFu GWFsc ntributors" data-ttid="Contributors"><div class="ContributorBWrapper-bnVHbt gMon"><div class="ContributorBAvatar-bIGTqf eMWbvj"><a href="/ntributors/kathryn-schulz"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></span></a></div><div class="ContributorBContent-ubQdr jZTSSi"><div class="ContributorBHear-ledood XOIEx"></div><div class="ContributorBB-fBolsO giFhKz"><a href="/ntributors/kathryn-schulz">Kathryn Schulz</a>, a staff wrer at The New Yorker, won the 2016 Pulzer Prize for feature wrg. 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