‘Honey, I’ve got a secret’ : When gay men e out to their wiv | SBS Voic

Contents:

• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• GAY MARRIAGE
• A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• THE MOST DETAILED MAP OF GAY MARRIAGE AMERI
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

For stance, 45% of adults the Silent Generatn (those born between 1928 and 1945) favor allowg gays and lbians to wed, pared wh 74% of Millennials (born between 1981 and 1996).

4As wh the general public, Amerins who intify as lbian, gay, bisexual or transgenr (LGBT) are most likely to ce love as a very important reason for gettg married. Sce then, several other European untri – cludg England and Wal, France, Ireland, all of Sndavia, Spa and, most recently, Atria, Germany and Malta – have legalized gay marriage. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

GAY MARRIAGE

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. Early Years: Same-Sex Marriage Bans In 1970, jt one year after the historic Stonewall Rts that galvanized the gay rights movement, law stunt Richard Baker and librarian Jam McConnell applied for a marriage license Gerald Nelson rejected their applitn bee they were a same-sex uple, and a trial urt upheld his cisn.

” This lg effectively blocked feral urts om lg on same-sex marriage for s, leavg the cisn solely the hands of stat, which alt blow after blow to those hopg to see gay marriage beg 1973, for stance, Maryland beme the first state to create a law that explicly f marriage as a unn between a man and woman, a belief held by many nservative relig groups. Though the gay rights movement saw some advancements the 1970s and 1980s—such as Harvey Milk beg the first openly gay man elected to public office the untry 1977—the fight for gay marriage ma ltle headway for many years.

In 1989, the San Francis Board of Supervisors passed an ordance that allowed homosexual upl and unmarried heterosexual upl to register for domtic partnerships, which granted hospal visatn rights and other years later, the District of Columbia siarly passed a new law that allowed same-sex upl to register as domtic partners. C., 1993, the hight urt Hawaii led that a ban on same-sex marriage may vlate that state nstutn’s Equal Protectn Clse—the first time a state urt has ever ched toward makg gay marriage Hawaii Supreme Court sent the se—brought by a gay male uple and two lbian upl who were nied marriage licens 1990—back for further review to the lower First Circu Court, which 1991 origally dismissed the the state tried to prove that there was “pellg state tert” jtifyg the ban, the se would be tied up ligatn for the next three Defense of Marriage Act Opponents of gay marriage, however, did not s on their hnch.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

Congrs 1996 passed the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which Print Bill Clton signed to didn’t ban gay marriage outright but specified that only heterosexual upl uld be granted feral marriage benefs. That is, even if a state ma gay marriage legal, same-sex upl still wouldn’t be able to file e tax jotly, sponsor spo for immigratn benefs or receive spoal Social Secury payments, among many other act was a huge setback for the marriage equaly movement, but transient good news arose three months later: Hawaii Judge Kev S. Phg for Change: Civil Unns The next saw a whirlwd of activy on the gay marriage ont, begng wh the year 2000 when Vermont beme the first state to legalize civil unns, a legal stat that provis most of the state-level benefs of years later, Massachetts beme the first state to legalize gay marriage when the Massachetts Supreme Court led that same-sex upl had the right to marry Goodridge v.

The state fally troduced the untry to gay marriage (m the feral benefs) when began issug same-sex marriage licens on May 17, that year, the U. 2004 was notable for upl many other stat as well, though for the oppose reason: Ten typilly nservative stat, along wh Oregon, enacted state-level bans on gay marriage. Kansas and Texas were next 2005, and 2006 saw seven more stat passg Constutnal amendments agast gay towards the end of the , gay marriage beme legal var stat, cludg Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont (the first state to approve by legislative means) and New Hampshire.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Domtic Partnerships Throughout the and the begng of the next, California equently ma headl for seawg on the gay marriage state was the first to pass a domtic partnership statute 1999, and legislators tried to pass a same-sex marriage bill 2005 and 2007. Perry legalized same-sex marriage early 2010s ntued the state-level battl over gay marriage that fed the precedg , wh at least one notable event. For the first time the untry’s history, voters (rather than judg or legislators) Mae, Maryland, and Washgton approved Constutnal amendments permtg same-sex marriage marriage also beme a feral issue 2010, Massachetts, the first state to legalize gay marriage, found Sectn 3 of DOMA—the part of the 1996 law that fed marriage as a unn between one man and one woman—to be unnstutnal.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

Wdsor, nservative Jtice Anthony Kennedy sid wh Jtic Ruth Bar Gsburg, Stephen Breyer, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan favor of same-sex marriage rights, ultimately makg gay marriage legal across the natn June this time, was still outlawed only 13 stat, and more than 20 other untri had already legalized gay marriage, startg wh the Netherlands December 2000. I had the opportuny to talk wh psychotherapist and thor Michael Dale Kimmel about his new book, The Gay Man's Gui to Open and Monogamo Marriage.

MDK: I began offerg workshops for gay, bisexual, and transgenr men about eighteen years’ ago, and after a uple of years there were always a few guys who me up to me and said ( whispered ton), “You’ve got to put this stuff a book. While there are lots of books about how to plan your gay weddg, there were virtually none that addrs what to do after the honeymoon is over (lerally and figuratively).

The Gay Man’s Gui to Open and Monogamo Marriage dar to ask the qutn: is monogamy or an open relatnship (or a batn of both) the bt way to stcture your marriage? Same-sex marriage has been a long time g – a few thoand years or so - and now that ’s fally here, many gay, bisexual and transgenr men may thk that ’s a bad ia to “rock the boat” by discsg the kds of ias that this book prents.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

I believe that now is the perfect time to qutn what gay marriage n, should and will be, while is still relatively new, h and malleable. MDK: I have been givg workshops on “monogamy or open relatnship” for many years, long before gay marriage was legal.

While marriage wasn’t a possibily then, the qutns those workshops were basilly the same as those this book: as gay men, do we choose the monogamy of heterosexual marriage as our mol, or do we prefer an open marriage? As a psychotherapist for gay upl for many years’ now, ’s been que clear to me that “handbooks” for heterosexual marriage don’t really apply to our marriag several signifint ways: our marriag are more “signed” than “assumed. I wrote the chapter about “refg genr rol, " bee we have an amazg opportuny as married gay men to terme who we are as two men, married to each other.

THE MOST DETAILED MAP OF GAY MARRIAGE AMERI

This book enurag everyone, not jt gay men, to take a good look at that formidable stutn and beg to ask some big, meangful qutns, like:. The are not jt qutns for gay upl, they are qutns for all upl: my polyamoro straight clients are alg wh the very same stuff. I’ve seen this kd of relatnship many of the gay marriag – both open and monogamo - that I’ve had the pleasure to work wh.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

Your gay marriage n be amazg, high-functng and extremely fulfillg…if you and your hband are willg to do the work. I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married.