How to Cope When You're Gay and Lonely | GQ

Contents:

• GAY MEN & RADIL SELF-LOVE
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?
• HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY
• HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY
• SGLE FOREVER: STORI AND INSIGHTS OM GAY MEN
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY
• STEP-BY-STEP INSTCTNS FOR SHOOTG YOUR SHOT WH GAY GUYS
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

GAY MEN & RADIL SELF-LOVE

One of the many tths om this episo that shook my unrstandg of life, and how we live as gay men particular, is that acceptance is not enough.

I recently participated a gay men’s healg group wh Ryan Allen, a life ach, spirual healer, and fns traer. The purpose of the group was to gather gay men to acknowledge, not only our personal pa, but the pa of gay men who me before .

The realy is that the shame and rejectn that’s transmted om one gay man to another is rooted the shame and rejectn that liv si of . When go unchecked and unhealed, we ntribute to the very aspect of the gay muny that most of spise.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Admtedly, n feel difficult to do this bee shame and rejectn the gay muny is like a vic cycle — we show up to gay spac wh our shame and rejectn, we pick up more shame and rejectn, and we dish right back onto others. Thgs like thirst trap acunts on social media, postg selfi for validatn, gay datg/hook up apps, etc. Reflect on and acknowledge the shame and rejectn that occupi space your md, heart, and leage of gay men before you.

GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?

How would radilly lovg yourself change the way you engage wh other gay men, whether they be iends, lovers, or strangers? What would be like to be muny wh other gay men who radilly loved themselv?????

This blog is dited to the growth and empowerment of gay men to lead a life of love and fulfillment. Whens Has Never Existed Peacefully Ameri | The Culture that Creat “PV Gays” | A Gay Man’s Manifto for Love, Healg, and Growth | The Power of Makg a Visn Board | The 12 Gays of Christmas Part 1 & Part 2 | Improvg Our Datg Experience | Dear Fathers, Your Gay Sons Are Hurtg | Puttg an End to Ghostg | Refg “Comg Out” | Anti-Blackns | Self-Care | Emotnal Numbg | Complited Fah | Body Confince | Body Image | Lonels | Self-Talk | Self-Worth Part 1. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well.

HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY

If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay? Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye. Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay.

SGLE FOREVER: STORI AND INSIGHTS OM GAY MEN

You fd pop-ups of gay pornography on the puter while he claims they are not his. A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay.

Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

(If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her. OK, so, you’re gay, and you want to fd a partner and eventually a hband; someone wh whom to share your life. You thk that maybe ’s jt not possible for gay men to have long-term relatnships.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

There mt be some tth to the old joke: “What do a gay man brg on a send date?

As an openly gay man wh over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen sr of sgle gay men sabotage their efforts to fd a partner, placg obstacl their own path—whout havg the slightt ia as to what they are dog and why. Fortunately, I have also learned how to intify and name the self-featg and often hidn hurdl—and have disvered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselv, often whout even knowg . In my experience, this ternalized belief is the poison that prevents some gay men om buildg a healthy relatnship, and also why many ms up the on they already have.

Some of have been bullied as children; physilly, verbally, and emotnally abed at tenr ag by our peers and fay members for beg gay before we even regnized and unrstood our same-sex attractns. Sadly, the wounds are difficult to heal, and as a rult, n leave gay men wh the sense that we are unlovable and th unworthy of love, affectn, and happs.

STEP-BY-STEP INSTCTNS FOR SHOOTG YOUR SHOT WH GAY GUYS

For sure, so much of the gay male world is way too foced on looks, youth, the gym, partyg, and fast hookups; so searchg for Mr. Nonmonogamy was a polil statement, and gay rights advot saw marriage as nstrictive, patriarchal, heterocentric, flawed (perhaps due to the 50% failure rate) and therefore not worthy of pursu, pecially light of how gay men of the era were still gettg ejected om their jobs, hom, fai and blackmailed and arrted for who they were.

Contrary to heterosexual fears, legal gay marriage has given the stutn an enormo boost importance.

Where ’s legal, same-sex upl are gettg married drov, and some gay weddgs are so theatril and over the top that they n actually be timidatg. Many sgle gay men are happy, valug their tonomy and personal eedom (like the mcled bad boy scribed above). I have worked wh many gay widowers—guys wh good relatnship track rerds, who are anxly seekg a new mate, but are sabotagg themselv the ways scribed above.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

I have had several grievg gay men tell me: “If I move on, will be like I am fettg him, ” which is jt not te. Remember, as a gay man, you have survived lots of direct and direct msag that there was somethg wrong wh you, which has left srs.