When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN
• 13 FAMO WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN WHOUT KNOWG
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN
• WHEN STRAIGHT WOMEN MARRY GAY MORMON MEN, STGGLE OFTEN ENDS DIVORCE
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• 'I MARRIED A GAY MAN'
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men.

And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay.

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). The mom-of-two scrib herself as straight while her hband Matthew intifi as gay or pansexual, admtg he is “more attracted to men than women”.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

Matthew had known he was attracted to men sce he was a teenager, but he belonged to the Church which do not enurage homosexual relatnships.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

The mom-of-two scrib herself as straight while her hband Matthew intifi as gay or pansexual, admtg he is “more attracted to men than women.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay.

WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

13 FAMO WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN WHOUT KNOWG

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

Given the polil climate surroundg gay marriage at the time, some might have even been thankg their lucky stars that Matthew had dodged a sparkly, rabow-lored bullet. For more sir perspectiv, check out 5 Reali As A Gay Person Forced To Stay In The Closet and 5 Reali Of Beg Gay In A Country Where It's Illegal. Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Quent Taranto's Gay Revenge Fantasy, and other vios you won't see on the se!

GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN

"Her hband later moved to Florida wh his lover, but the shame and torment experienced by so many gay hbands once married to straight women persisted. -based anizatn recently surveyed nearly 1, 200 gay men married to women and found half the rponnts had no plan to tell their wiv, wh 20% rpondg "maybe. "Sce 1999, Kaye has sold more than 25, 000 books wh tl like Straight Wiv: Shattered Liv, The Gay Hband Checklist, and How I Ma My Hband Gay.

She has two mantras that she beats to her followers, both blasted at the top of her Web se and newsletter:Pictured: Bonnie KayeOn a gray Thursday June, we're stg at a long table Kaye's narrow, bare-bon GED center along wh France Barbetta, a therapist Levtown, Penn., who ns a monthly support group for straight spo married to or divorced om gay, lbian, or transgenr people. Lots of irratnal thgs, and if you keep hearg this enough you start believg , " Kaye 's a certa type of woman who marri a gay man, acrdg to Kaye and Barbetta. "But the revelatn that a spoe is gay is so credibly trmatic for many women that they are often unselg for years or s to e.

) or ficient (if you'd been a better wife, he wouldn't have turned gay), while their hbands are ld for havg the urage to be their thentic selv. ' "An unexpected nsequence, they say, is many women -- even the most evangelil among them, along wh their dghters (and ls often sons) -- bee huge supporters of gay rights the wake of a spoe g out.

WHEN STRAIGHT WOMEN MARRY GAY MORMON MEN, STGGLE OFTEN ENDS DIVORCE

Acrdg to a study nducted by the Williams Instute at the Universy of California at Los Angel, around 20% of gay men the Uned Stat are married or have been married to women.

The reasons why gay men marry women vary and n volve societal prsure, fay expectatns, ternalized homophobia, relign, fancial stabily, and the sire to start a fay. In the next sectns, we will explore each of the factors more out this Youtube vio: “Can a gay man and a straight woman have a happy marriage?

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

It is important to acknowledge that the disvery of homosexualy a marriage n have a signifint impact on both parti n also be a plex and emotnal experience that requir support and unrstandg.

It is important to unrstand the impact of societal expectatns and fay prsure on gay men who choose to marry Experimentatn Stage.

'I MARRIED A GAY MAN'

Some gay men who are still the procs of disverg their sexual inty may marry women as part of their journey of self-disvery or experimentatn.

The heterosexual partner may feel ceived or betrayed if they disver their spoe’s te sexual orientatn, and the gay partner may experience guilt, shame, and a sense of imprisonment a life that don’t tly belong to them. Dpe the social stigma attached to same-sex attractn many cultur worldwi, marriag between gay men and women uld lead to dire nsequenc for all parti one’s real sexual orientatn uld e severe emotnal distrs and even prsn, not only for the hband but also for the wife. Some gay men may feel a sense of obligatn to stay the marriage due to societal prsur or relig beliefs, while others may choose to leave orr to live thentilly.

Bisexual dividuals are attracted to both mal and femal, whereas homosexual dividuals are attracted to dividuals of the same sex.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

Some gay men marry women due to societal and fay prsur, and some may not have disvered or e to terms wh their te sexual orientatn.

WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Gay men sometim marry women, also known as lavenr marriage, as a ver-up of their sexual orientatn to avoid discrimatn, eher at work or om society. 2Judy GarlandAmy Award wner Judy Garland was one of several women director Vcente Mnelli married … while he allegedly rried himself like an openly gay man New York Cy but remaed the closet Los Angel.

It is now wily believed that the in was actually gay, as he lived wh another man, Randolph Stt, for 10 years later life. 8Carolyn MoosFormer llege and women’s profsnal basketball player Carolyn Moos almost married her fiance, Jason Colls, until he me out as gay 2012 while they were still engaged; Moos says she was cshed by the revelatn. 9Jackee HarryJackee Harry of Sister, Sister fame and her hband om 1996-2003, Elg Charl, who later me out as gay, had a short-lived realy show Beverly Hills Fabulo, about his hair salon; they stayed close and she even appeared on the program10Charlotte RaeDiff’rent Strok st member Charlotte Rae divorced her hband, John Strss, after he me out as gay 1976.