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data-ttid="SplScreenContentHearWrapper"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK dfqcEG grid grid-ems-2 grid-full-bleed grid-no-gap SplScreenContentHearMa-fNigKG daohZh"><div class="GridItem-buujkM eHLzLy grid--em"><div class="SplScreenContentHearTleBlock-sCMXE jActCi"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric SplScreenContentHearRubric-cLHEJQ djShVa"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fTtYjx bric__lk" href="/fashn-shows"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Runway</span></a></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SplScreenContentHearHed-lcUSuI iUEiRd bwDymH dfelga">“The One Thg I Won’t Live wh is Shame”</h1><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SplScreenContentHearDek-emptdL iUEiRd gwLwxP dJrDEb">Marc Jabs on early New York life and ntug to live his power. </div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl SplScreenContentHearByle-kvEhqE eonFPJ"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH uMYIE byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd hHRAkO haUSoQ eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/marc-jabs">Marc Jabs</a></span></span></p><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH uMYIE byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">As told to </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd hHRAkO haUSoQ eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/nile-phelps">Nile 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story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-stroke" d="M11.7661 16.3228L4.5 20.1695V3.5H19.5V20.1695L12.2339 16.3228L12 16.199L11.7661 16.3228Z" stroke-lep="square"/></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd fcKlBk gkccfO">Save</span></button></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh fOiOQm viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU gdCxmM bookmark mobile"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-stroke" d="M11.7661 16.3228L4.5 20.1695V3.5H19.5V20.1695L12.2339 16.3228L12 16.199L11.7661 16.3228Z" stroke-lep="square"/></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd fcKlBk gkccfO">Save</span></button></div></div></div><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP bwyLBj"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eSsnKa"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK eRggVV grid grid-margs grid-ems-0 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bDFJoo"><div class="GridItem-buujkM kHPPIF grid--em"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa dUONRr body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p><a href=">Growg Up, Comg Out</a> <em>is a seri of personal reflectns om queer Amerin signers, released every day this month.</em></p><p>From an early age, I was nsired by other cisgenr mal of my age to be effemate. I didn’t play sports—I liked to do arts and crafts, and I handpated my jeans, and I had very long hair and walked on my to, and so they cid that bee of those thgs I had to be gay. And they had much ls-iendly words for back then.</p><p>I was bullied and sulted and words were said wh hatred—way before I ever had a sexual experience. I knew I was attracted to other boys; I didn’t really have any vobulary or way to talk about that. I jt knew that somethg me felt, you know, aroed, or terted guys as opposed to girls. I had no fear of or problem wh the ia of homosexualy; I had a problem and a fear of homophobia. It wasn’t that I felt there was somethg wrong wh me, or that I was broken. I jt had fear growg up around young people who, you know, ightened me. That’s really as simply put as I n make . And I stggled: Do I change my behavr and the way I look to feel safe around the people who were not fortable wh the way I looked and the way I behaved or walked or spoke? I always thk of that movie <em>Zelig</em>, and how Zelig was a chameleon to f to different suatns. And I did velop that kd of skill.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>Now remember: I’m New York Cy—the bubble, the place we’re supposed to be safe to be who we are. But kids aren’t really nice to other kids, whether they’re gay or not gay. I thk they weren’t tght and they weren’t ted, and that to me is always the start of every problem.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>I was brought up wh a very liberal mother and father—so aga, I had no problem wh who I was—but I don’t thk I ever actually me out to my mother or to my grandmother. I had that very jad New Yorker thg of, like, straights don’t e out to their parents—straight people don’t talk about what they do the bedroom wh their wife to their mother; why should I? From an early age I fely had that kd of pri and bravado—like <em>What I do and who I do wh is nobody’s bs—I’m jt gonna do .</em></p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="84h7zo"></div></div><p>I surround myself wh people who were gay and gay-iendly—alli, though they didn’t ll them alli back then. No one my sphere wasn’t acceptg and unrstandg. I might have enuntered, walkg out of a nightclub one night, someone llg me faggot, or walkg down the street a pair of high heels and someone sayg sissy or whatever they would say, but I wasn’t really bothered.</p><p>For many, many years—s now—I’ve lived my life very openly. I learned somewhere along the way, probably through some of my problems wh addictn and alhol, that I’m only as sick as my secrets and that one thg I won’t live wh is shame. And I get a lot of young people g up to me and sayg, “I jt want to thank you so much—bee of you I’m ls aaid to be who I am.” I’m a big advote for honty and the kd of strength that om exposg your vulnerabily and your secrets. It’s helped me a lot.</p></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK eRggVV grid grid-margs grid-ems-0 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS jyGBoi"><div class="GridItem-buujkM kHPPIF grid--em"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body article__body--grid-margs"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK eRggVV grid grid-margs grid-ems-0 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv jfHKjr"><div class="GridItem-buujkM kHPPIF grid--em"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div 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