"How to Tell If a Man is Gay" — 5 Ways (Backed By Science)

Contents:

• CLOSETED GAY MEN – WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE?
• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• REFLECTNS OM A CLOSETED GAY PASTOR
• “HOW TO TELL IF A MAN IS GAY” — 5 WAYS (BACKED BY SCIENCE)
• THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.

CLOSETED GAY MEN – WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE?

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men.

And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay. Sadly, most married, closeted gay men are manipulative, narcissistic n artists who only thk about themselv wh only ocsnal feelgs of guilt and remorse.

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

Sce all men and women have been raised siar cultur, they have rporated the “ials” of masculy whether they are gay, straight, bisexual, or other. Projectn is fundamental to toxic masculy, and one of the characteristics is a disda for homosexualy which generat shame, self-hatred, and even gay bashg. Early theori about the velopment of homosexualy rerced this ia that to be “a well-veloped homosexual, ” startg adolcence, one begs to pass through stag of homosexual velopment a lear fashn.

My experienc nnot be ed to generalize about all gay men mixed-orientatn marriag, and I would not enurage anyone to seek rapprochement wh an abive man, but gay men are as different om each other as are heterosexual men. As gay people mt ci on a daily basis whether to reveal and to whom they will reveal, g out is a procs that never the jargon of ntemporary homosexual culture, those who hi their sexual inti are referred to as eher closeted or said to be the closet.

Homosexual IntiIn the velopmental histori of gay men and women, perds of difficulty acknowledgg their homosexualy, eher to themselv or to others, are often reported. On the ntrary, begng childhood--and distguishg them om racial and ethnic mori--gay people are often subjected to the antihomosexual attus of their own fai and muni (Drcher et al., 2004). Antihomosexual attus clu homophobia (Weberg, 1972), heterosexism (Herek, 1984), moral nmnatns of homosexualy (Drcher, 1998) and antigay vlence (Herek and Berrill, 1992).

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Hidg activi learned childhood often persist to young adulthood, middle age and even sencence, leadg many gay people to nceal important aspects of themselv.

Consequently, the feelgs mt be dissociated om the self and hidn om and when same-sex feelgs and attractns n no longer be kept out of nscns, the dividual be homosexually self-aware. While homosexually self-aware people might nsir acceptg and tegratg the feelgs to their public persona, acceptance is not a pre-termed oute. For example, a relig, homosexually self-aware man may choose a celibate life to avoid what, for him, would be the problematic tegratn of his relig and sexual inti.

Individuals who are eher nscly prepared to act on their homoerotic feelgs or to reveal a homosexual inty to others ually fe themselv as gay or lbian. While regnizg their homosexual feelgs, the dividuals reject the feelgs and, spe the low odds of succs, may even seek to change their sexual orientatn (Shidlo et al., 2001) above classifitn of homosexual inti privileg the role of self-fn.

REFLECTNS OM A CLOSETED GAY PASTOR

Consequently, when dividuals bee homosexually self-aware, there is a wi range of psychosocially nstcted attus and rpons they may velop toward their own homosexualy. For example, a homosexually self-aware man may ially intify himself as gay but then regret that cisn and return to his earlier practic of hidg.

“HOW TO TELL IF A MAN IS GAY” — 5 WAYS (BACKED BY SCIENCE)

Clil prentatns of closeted gay people may lie somewhere severy between selective attentn--most monly seen the se of homosexually self-aware patients thkg about "the possibily" that they might be gay--to more severe dissociatn-- which any ht of same-sex feelgs ris totally out of nsc awarens.

More severe forms of dissociatn are monly observed married men who are homosexually self-aware but nnot perm the thought of themselv as gay (Roughton, 2002) and the ClosetSome closeted gay people n reflexively speak whout revealg the genr of the person beg discsed or whout providg any genred tails of their personal liv. " Toward that end, a gay person might avoid referenc to genr altogether: "I went out last night wh someone I've been datg for the last few weeks. Transparency, visibily, losg one's voice, and beg stuck behd walls or other barriers are some of the terms ed to scribe the subjective experience of dissociative tachment (Drcher, 1998) Closet and Gay-BashgFor some gay men, "Hidg and passg as heterosexual be a lifelong moral hatred of the self; a maze of rptns, petty li, and half tths that spoil social relatns fay and iendship" (Herdt and Boxer, 1993).

THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.

One penile plethysmography study dited that men wh strong antihomosexual beliefs actually had signifint homosexual aroal patterns (Adams et al., 1996). In other words, is an effort to strengthen dissociative OutComg out may be the most monly shared cultural experience that f the morn gay inty.