What to Do When Your Child Says: "I'm Gay" | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• GAY AND BISEXUAL ADOLCENT BOYS' PERSPECTIV ON PARENT-ADOLCENT RELATNSHIPS AND PARENTG PRACTIC RELATED TO TEEN SEX AND DATG
• GAY KIDS COMG OUT YOUNGER, BUT PARENTS ASK "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• EARLY SIGNS TO TELL YOUR CHILD IS GAYTIMOFDIATHE DIFFICULT JOURNEYUNRSTANDG, ACKNOWLEDGG, AND SHARG ONE'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN WH THE WORLD, IS EASY FOR SOME, WHILE FOR OTHERS THE JOURNEY IS LONG AND DIFFICULT.GETTY-IMAGCOMG OUT ISN'T EASYGAY YOUTH OFTEN FACE THEIR SET OF CHALLENG AFTER G OUT ABOUT THEIR GENR PREFERENC.GETTY-IMAGTHE ROLE OF PARENTSAS PARENTS, ALL YOU N DO IS PROVI THEM WH LOVE AND SUPPORT. THIS N START OM AN EARLY AGE IF YOU N INTIFY THE SIGNS OF YOUR CHILD'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN.GETTY-IMAG​DRSG UPIT MAY SEEM STEREOTYPIL, BUT SOME REARCH SUGGTS THAT KIDS SHOW THEIR CLATN BY THE WAY THEY DRS UP. GETTY-IMAG​SPEECHAS PER A STUDY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE SPEECH OF KIDS WHO ARE CLED TOWARDS THE SAME SEX. THE CHANGE THE TONE N EASILY BE TECTED EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FIVE YEARS OLD. GETTY-IMAG​TOYS PREFERENCEWHEN ROLE-PLAYG, IF A BOY OFTEN TAK THE FEME ROLE OR THE GIRL LIK TO PLAY ROUGH GAM, THEN YOU NEED TO PAY A LTLE ATTENTN. GETTY-IMAGYOU MAY ALSO LIKECOVID: WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR KID'S IMM...
• A 16-YEAR-OLD WENT TO A GAY BAR WH A FAKE I.D. AND THGS COULD’VE END TERRIBLY IF NOT FOR THIS DRAG QUEEN
• 16 YEAR OLD SON - GAY - HELP PLEASE
• THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups. The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life. For gay/bisexual youth, parental relatnships n have profound impacts on sexual inty velopment, the abili to form and mata secure relatnships, and health out (Cook & Calebs, 2016; Rosar, 2015).

Given that parent-adolcent relatnships are often straed for gay/bisexual youth (Floyd, Ste, Harter, Allison, & Nye, 1999; Mtanski, Newb, & Garofalo, 2011; Ryan et al., 2009; Sav-Williams, 2003), parents of gay/bisexual youth may be ls likely to talk about sex, pecially if they feel unknowledgeable about or unfortable wh same-sex sexualy. Further, most parents of gay/bisexual youth do not share the same sexual orientatn wh their child and may be challengg for them to help their child navigate the domas of sex and datg if they are unaware of the unique aspects of same-sex relatnships (e. In another study, young gay/bisexual mal and their parents both scribed parent-adolcent closens as protective agast sexual risk behavr (LaSala, 2015) and over half of the youth dited that fay members fluenced their sexual behavr.

Parental monorg is ls effective wh youth who are volved ntexts that are unfaiar to parents (Dishn & McMahon, 1998), makg challengg for parents to monor gay/bisexual youth whout tn about how to do so (e. Parental monorg has received very ltle attentn among gay/bisexual youth, but Thoma and Huebner (2014) found that was associated wh more ndomls sex for YMSM who were out to one parent and those who were uncerta if their parents knew their sexual orientatn.

GAY AND BISEXUAL ADOLCENT BOYS' PERSPECTIV ON PARENT-ADOLCENT RELATNSHIPS AND PARENTG PRACTIC RELATED TO TEEN SEX AND DATG

They suggted that monorg may not work for parents of YMSM, bee the youth may be dishont about their whereabouts, pecially if they perceive their parents as not acceptg their sexual sum, rearch is begng to document how parents fluence sexual risk behavr among gay/bisexual mal, but there are cril gaps. Adolcence is a cril time to unrstand parental fluenc on sexual behavr among gay/bisexual mal, bee self-intifitn as gay/bisexual tends to occur durg this perd (Dunlap, 2016; Martos, Nezhad, & Meyer, 2015) and adolcence volv profound psychologil, social, and sexual change (Jsor, 1992; Mtanski, Kuper, & Greene, 2014).

GAY KIDS COMG OUT YOUNGER, BUT PARENTS ASK "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

Fally, ltle is known about several important aspects of parent-child relatnships among gay/bisexual adolcent mal, cludg their perceptns of whether or not their sexual orientatn fluenc their relatnships wh their parents, discsns about sex/datg, and parental monorg. We were terted the adolcent perspective on: (1) if and how sexual orientatn fluenc parent-adolcent relatnships, munitn about sex/datg, and parental monorg; (b) what parents say to gay/bisexual adolcent mal about sex/datg; and (c) how parents monor gay/bisexual adolcent mal' datg experienc. E., assigned male at birth and currently intify as male); (b) be 14-17 years old; (c) intify as gay, bisexual, queer, qutng, or same-sex attracted; (d) have phone and Inter accs; and (e) live the US.

G., transportatn, ncerns about meetg an unfaiar place, ncerns about publicly intifyg onelf as part of a stigmatized group) (Fox, Morris, & Rumsey, 2007) and a group format was chosen to facilate a sense of belongg and muny among gay/bisexual youth (Greene, Fisher, Kuper, Andrews, & Mtanski, 2015; Ybarra, DuBois, Parsons, Prtt, & Mtanski, 2014).

G., munitn about sex, monorg); and (3) beg gay/bisexual fluenced the domas regardls of whether or not youth were out to their parents, although there were some unique fluenc for those who were not out. For stance, a 17 year-old, Whe, gay male who was out to his parents scribed as: “Me and my parents don't really do thgs like we ed to before I me out to them and sce then 's like they kd of avoid me. For example, a 16 year-old, Black, gay male scribed an experience wh his grandmother (who was his guardian): “… sce g out I feel like thgs between me and my grandmother has ma thg even better between .

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

” Another adolcent scribed that was ially awkward between him and his parents after he me out, but improved wh time: “At first me beg gay was a ltle awkward bee they didn't really know how to act about or how to ask about relatnships but after I had a uple boyiends 's pretty normal…” (17 year-old, Lato, gay, out to parents) addnal 8% reported that their sexual orientatn had a posive impact on their relatnship wh one parent, but a negative impact on their relatnship wh another parent. I thk beg gay mak me and my mom closer bee she lov gay guys -year-old, Black, gay, out to parentsFally, 26% reported that their sexual orientatn did not impact their relatnships wh their parents.

EARLY SIGNS TO TELL YOUR CHILD IS GAYTIMOFDIATHE DIFFICULT JOURNEYUNRSTANDG, ACKNOWLEDGG, AND SHARG ONE'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN WH THE WORLD, IS EASY FOR SOME, WHILE FOR OTHERS THE JOURNEY IS LONG AND DIFFICULT.GETTY-IMAGCOMG OUT ISN'T EASYGAY YOUTH OFTEN FACE THEIR SET OF CHALLENG AFTER G OUT ABOUT THEIR GENR PREFERENC.GETTY-IMAGTHE ROLE OF PARENTSAS PARENTS, ALL YOU N DO IS PROVI THEM WH LOVE AND SUPPORT. THIS N START OM AN EARLY AGE IF YOU N INTIFY THE SIGNS OF YOUR CHILD'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN.GETTY-IMAG​DRSG UPIT MAY SEEM STEREOTYPIL, BUT SOME REARCH SUGGTS THAT KIDS SHOW THEIR CLATN BY THE WAY THEY DRS UP. GETTY-IMAG​SPEECHAS PER A STUDY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE SPEECH OF KIDS WHO ARE CLED TOWARDS THE SAME SEX. THE CHANGE THE TONE N EASILY BE TECTED EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FIVE YEARS OLD. GETTY-IMAG​TOYS PREFERENCEWHEN ROLE-PLAYG, IF A BOY OFTEN TAK THE FEME ROLE OR THE GIRL LIK TO PLAY ROUGH GAM, THEN YOU NEED TO PAY A LTLE ATTENTN. GETTY-IMAGYOU MAY ALSO LIKECOVID: WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR KID'S IMM...

-16, Whe, gay, not out to parentsAlthough most youth who were not out to their parents exprsed ncern that their parents would not approve of their sexual orientatn, one scribed that he had not e out to his parents bee he jt was not ready yet: “I am que close wh my parents and feel like I uld really tell them anythg if I need to….

I jt haven't fully e out due to the fact I jt don't feel ready to say but I know I uld if I need to…” (14 years-old, Whe, gay) of sexual orientatn on parent-adolcent munitn about sex/datgMost adolcents (76%) reported that beg gay/bisexual had an fluence on nversatns wh their parents about sex and datg (Table 2).

A 16-YEAR-OLD WENT TO A GAY BAR WH A FAKE I.D. AND THGS COULD’VE END TERRIBLY IF NOT FOR THIS DRAG QUEEN

For stance, one adolcent said that, although his parents were supportive of his sexual orientatn, “beg gay kda affects our relatnship bee we n't talk about certa thgs I would like to talk about wh them” (16 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents) youth who were out to their parents, nversatns about sex/datg typilly changed after g out. The nversatn was way different bee wh me beg gay they never want answers to the qutns they ask, but when they thought I was straight they were always enuragg me to engage wh femal. For stance, one said: “As far as relatnships go I've only had one which end up on the guy cheatg on me and basilly my mom told me that I shouldn't let him get the bt of me and that there will be another guy eventually” (17 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents).

16 YEAR OLD SON - GAY - HELP PLEASE

Siarly, another scribed: “… one effect [beg gay] has would be the fact that I don't necsarily share everythg wh them (stuff like beg the gsa [Gay Straight Alliance] at school, csh, etc” (15 years-old, Amerin Indian/Alaska Native, gay). Siarly, another said: “… my mom tells me to jt wa till marriage [to have sex] or until I fd ‘the guy’ and if I don't wa at least let her know so I n be safe” (17 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents).

-16 years old, Alaskan Native/Amerin Indian, gay, out to parentsA 15 year-old, Whe, bisexual male who was out to his parents also exprsed that his parents uld not tell if he was datg someone or jt iends wh them, but he reported that this led them to pay more attentn to his teractn: “I feel like my parents pay more close attentn to teractns wh my iends so they n tell if I'm secretly datg any of them or not. -16 year-old, Lato, gay, out to parentsThe rpons suggt that some teens do not nsir what their parents are dog as monorg, even though their parents' behavrs dite that they are keepg track of their behavrs and whereabouts. They might not want me to close or lock my door to my room when I had a guy over and they might be checkg on me if they found out I was gog out on a date -16, Whe, gay, not out to parentsDiscsnThe goal of the current study was to scribe gay/bisexual adolcent mal' perspectiv on their relatnships wh their parents, their munitn about sex/datg, and their parents' monorg of their datg activi.

While most of the gay/bisexual adolcents said that they had good relatnships wh at least one of their parents, over half also said that g out had negative effects on their relatnships. Given that young gay/bisexual men scribe parent-adolcent closens as protective agast sexual risk behavr (LaSala, 2015), youth who feel supported by their parents may be ls likely to engage risk behavr. Adolcents who were not out to their parents also exprsed that beg gay/bisexual had a negative impact on their relatnships wh their parents, typilly exprsg ncern that their relatnships would change if they me out.

THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.

The parents may need awarens raised to potential differenc how they treat heterosexual vers gay/bisexual children and, some s, trag sensive ways to discs same-sex munitn about sex/datgMost adolcents felt that beg gay/bisexual also had an fluence on discsns about sex/datg wh their parents. Ls is known about gay/bisexual youth, but many young gay/bisexual mal acknowledge that their parents have an fluence on their sexual behavr (LaSala, 2015) and that there are benefs of parent-adolcent munitn (e. Although one study found that parent-adolcent munitn about sex was associated wh more ndomls sex for YMSM who were out to their parents (Thoma & Huebner, 2014), the thors suggted that parental difficulti munitg about sex wh gay/bisexual youth may advertently nfer risk for ndomls sex.

”) Although qutns like this may reflect assumptns of heterosexualy, is also possible that some parents ask qutns like this an attempt to figure out if their child is gay/bisexual (e.