Straight Women and Their Gay Hbands | Psychology Today

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENR?
• SHE’S STRAIGHT. HE’S GAY. THEY N FORM A ‘NJUGAL RELATNSHIP’ ANYWAY, A CANADIAN JUDGE SAYS.
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• ‘IS WEIRD FOR A GAY MAN TO HANG WH STRAIGHT WOMEN?’
• ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

Bisexual men are perceived to sound more mascule than men who are straight, acrdg to a study of Atralian subjects.Amics at the Universy of Sydney pared the voic of gay, straight and bisexual men a study volvg 160 people.In the rearch led by clil psychologist Jam Morandi, people were reced to analyse the voic of 60 men, 20 of whom were gay, 20 straight and 20 bisexual. They were then asked to rate the men on their sexual orientatn g a sle om zero (exclively heterosexual) to 10 (exclively homosexual).Listeners were also asked to rate each man’s perceived level of femy or masculy the voic on a siar sle.The men volved the study were asked to rerd themselv on a smartphone recg the first two l of the Atralian natnal anthem.Voice sampl were then modified to remove any background noise while volume levels were ma the same to ensure nsistency.Rults om the study showed listeners uld distguish between gay and straight men’s voic wh an accuracy of 62 per cent, apparently nsistent wh prev rearch.However, the study participants uld not terme any differenc between bisexual and straight men’s voic wh any gree of accuracy. The thors said their rearch showed bisexual men’s voic were perceived as beg more exclively attracted to women pared wh both gay and straight men’s voic.Bisexual men’s voic were rated as more mascule than both gay and straight men’s voic.Rearchers claimed the abily to intify a man’s bisexual inty om his voice alone uld have cril social implitns such as helpg to rce feelgs of alienatn.‘Voice may unter visibily many bisexuals feel’An abstract of the study, tled Can listeners tect if a man is bisexual om his voice alone, reads: “The prent study examed whether bisexual men n be intified om their voic ak to how gay men n be intified on their voice alone.“If this is the se, voice may be an important target of discrimatn on the one hand but may also unter the visibily many bisexuals feel (if their bisexual inti n be apprehend by their voice alone, whout explic disclosure required).“The fdgs may also she light on whether bisexual male voic, like gay male voic, differ om straight voic terms of their genr non-nformy – a qutn that to date has not been examed.”But amics noted the rearch was limed on the grounds all men who participated the study are Atralian, which may not be reflected among wir cultur.And the thors nced the study did not ntrol for the rerdg environment or microphone-to-mouth distance, which uld have affected the qualy of the voice sampl.The thors said the fdgs suggted that while the voic of bisexual men the sample were perceived as more mascule and attracted to femal, listeners did not associate this imprsn wh bisexualy.As a rult, while bisexual men may appear to be at lower risk of facg voice-based intifitn and discrimatn than gay men, they may often be mistaken as beg straight.The study was published the Journal of Sex Rearch.

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way. Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.

View PDF rights and ntentHighlights•Due to the lack of heterosexual terpennce, gay people are ls supportive of benevolent sexism than straight people•Gay men endorse hostile sexism toward men siarly to straight women•Lbian women's rentment toward patriarchy is embodied their enhanced endorsement of hostile attus toward men•Experiencg/regnizg the threat men pose to women signifintly fluenc the acceptance/rejectn of sexist attus•Men who regnize the threateng nature of their own genr group are ls supportive of hostile sexist attusAbstractWe aimed at examg the differenc between straight (N = 583) and gay (N = 112) people terms of the acceptance of ambivalent sexist attus not only toward women (ASI) but also toward men (AMI) and how the level of perceived threat posed by men (Realistic Threat Sle) fluenc the attus' acceptance. The study rults showed that gay men endorsed hostile sexism at the same level as straight men, while lbian women were more hostile toward men than straight women. In this study, gay people manifted signifintly lower levels of benevolent (sexist) attus toward both genrs than straight people.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENR?

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

SHE’S STRAIGHT. HE’S GAY. THEY N FORM A ‘NJUGAL RELATNSHIP’ ANYWAY, A CANADIAN JUDGE SAYS.

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight. And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay. He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

A lot of the time the men e on their own and they’re holdg my book about g out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay.

” I always joke wh clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walkg on the beach and checkg people out, the women are the way. Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women. When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic.

The straight men have no homophobia at all—to the pot where they’re willg to seek unselg om me, an openly gay therapist. A lot of tim the gay men never even make to me (whout promptg om their wife, anyway) bee they’re riddled wh homophobia and I’m too gay for them. A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met. Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh. And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy.

Increasg numbers of populatn-based surveys the Uned Stat and across the world clu qutns that allow for an timate of the size of the lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) populatn. Unrstandg the size of the lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) populatn is a cril first step to rmg a host of public policy and rearch topics.

‘IS WEIRD FOR A GAY MAN TO HANG WH STRAIGHT WOMEN?’

In measurg sexual orientatn, lbian, gay, and bisexual dividuals may be intified strictly based on their self-inty or may be possible to nsir same-sex sexual behavr or sexual attractn. Fdgs shown Figure 1 nsir timat of the percentage of adults who self-intify as lbian, gay, or bisexual across ne surveys nducted wh the past seven years. While the surveys show a fairly wi variatn the overall percentage of adults who intify as LGB, the proportn who intify as lbian/gay vers bisexual is somewhat more nsistent (see Figure 2).

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

The Natnal Survey of Fay Growth found rults that were sentially the oppose of the UK survey wh only 38% intifyg as lbian or gay pared to 62% intifyg as bisexual. The Natnal Survey of Sexual Health and Behavr and the Atralian Longudal Study of Health and Relatnships both found a majory of rponnts (55% and 59%, rpectively) intifyg as surveys show even greater nsistency differenc between men and women associated wh lbian/gay vers bisexual inty. Wh the surveys, a larger actn of adults report same-sex attractns and behavrs than self-intify as lbian, gay, or bisexual (see Figure 4).