When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• WHY DO GAY UPL E THE TERMS ‘HBAND’ AND ‘WIFE,’ RATHER THAN ‘PARTNER’?
• WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU THK YOUR WIFE IS GAY?
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN
• IS IT GAY HBAND? LBIAN WIFE? OR WHAT?
• 'I MARRIED A GAY MAN'
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• THE LANGUAGE OF GAY MARRIAGE
• 5 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY
• I ME OUT AS GAY TO MY WIFE. NOW SHE AND MY SON HATE ME. WHAT N I DO?
• AS A GAY MAN, I’LL NEVER BE NORMAL

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

The steam room and sna at my lol Y served as a kd of after-work social club for men who were gay ― and for those who had wiv and kids.

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

WHY DO GAY UPL E THE TERMS ‘HBAND’ AND ‘WIFE,’ RATHER THAN ‘PARTNER’?

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU THK YOUR WIFE IS GAY?

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

The mom-of-two scrib herself as straight while her hband Matthew intifi as gay or pansexual, admtg he is “more attracted to men than women”. Matthew had known he was attracted to men sce he was a teenager, but he belonged to the Church which do not enurage homosexual relatnships. The mom-of-two scrib herself as straight while her hband Matthew intifi as gay or pansexual, admtg he is “more attracted to men than women.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

While Brynn is a straight woman, Matthew’s sexualy isn’t lear and he has intified as gay, pansexual and bisexual. Dear Civili: My wife (female) and I are supporters of gay marriage, but we are puzzled about gay upl g the terms “wife” and “hband. (Still, I uldn’t help but notice that the boyiend of Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player to be drafted by an NFL team, was rrectly lled out by some as Sam’s “wife” and “trophy wife” on social media, highlightg the tradnal stereotyp of “hband/wife” rol.

A gay man, engaged to his fiance, spoke for many on my Facebook page when he posted this rponse to your qutn: “When we marry I will ll him my hband bee he will be, and I will be his. ” That don’t mean that every gay or lbian uple will embrace those terms, jt as some oppose-sex upl prefer partner or spoe spe their legal stat.

GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN

Every other week, Steven Petrow, the thor of “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lbian Manners, ” addrs qutns about LGBT and straight etiquette his new lumn, Civili. Sadly, most married, closeted gay men are manipulative, narcissistic n artists who only thk about themselv wh only ocsnal feelgs of guilt and remorse.

Often is acpanied by doubt and self-blame, for example, "If I'd been enough of a woman (or man), he (or she) would not be gay.

IS IT GAY HBAND? LBIAN WIFE? OR WHAT?

Sce all men and women have been raised siar cultur, they have rporated the “ials” of masculy whether they are gay, straight, bisexual, or other.

But toxic masculy is not a uniquely heterosexual problem, and some straight women are or were married to very toxic gay men.

'I MARRIED A GAY MAN'

Projectn is fundamental to toxic masculy, and one of the characteristics is a disda for homosexualy which generat shame, self-hatred, and even gay bashg.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Early theori about the velopment of homosexualy rerced this ia that to be “a well-veloped homosexual, ” startg adolcence, one begs to pass through stag of homosexual velopment a lear fashn. My experienc nnot be ed to generalize about all gay men mixed-orientatn marriag, and I would not enurage anyone to seek rapprochement wh an abive man, but gay men are as different om each other as are heterosexual men. Many lbian, gay, bisexual or transgenr people e out years after they have been married to an oppose-sex heterosexual wife or hband.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Every year, lbians and gay men fd the urage to e out as homosexual, often to the shame and srn of fay and iends. Whether you realize you are a gay man a marriage or you thk your wife may be a lbian, plenty of support is out there to help you parse through everythg you’re feelg.

Rather than fake your happs your own marriage, experts say, alg wh your spicns and your wife’s possible homosexualy is a better path forward.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

Jack Drcher, a well-known psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, thor, and edor, wr extensively about psychoanalytic therapy for gay, lbian bisexual and transgenred patients.

Heterosexual marriage mak many issu easier for lbians and gay men hopg to navigate Virgia society while stayg unr the radar.

THE LANGUAGE OF GAY MARRIAGE

The goal, disverg or nfirmg your wife may be gay, is to disturb as ltle as possible: psyche, children, property, liv. I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

5 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

I ME OUT AS GAY TO MY WIFE. NOW SHE AND MY SON HATE ME. WHAT N I DO?

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight.

AS A GAY MAN, I’LL NEVER BE NORMAL

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.