bars</tle><g id="el_oZ84Hna1GC_65hRV2Qwn" class="css-1fxvzwo" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_oZ84Hna1GC_ILVvi2tqx" class="css-1wnday1" ata-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_oZ84Hna1GC"><rect x="34" width="6" height="36" id="el_qw_T_tngXw"></rect></g></g></g><g id="el_mYVjkduhMU_p_9Pm85Ac" class="css-fwki7z" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_mYVjkduhMU_WxG3R40yd" class="css-t3i5e6" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_mYVjkduhMU"><rect x="22.67" width="6" height="36" id="el_lf9GrROk6j"></rect></g></g></g><g id="el_o-EuxhgoAw_kYNRGDfcw" class="css-t9te0w" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_o-EuxhgoAw_3c3bzSjOJ" class="css-1r5375t" ata-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_o-EuxhgoAw"><rect x="11.33" width="6" height="36" id="el_-iueO8klO0"></rect></g></g></g><g id="el_F7mSMPhqpC_y_fKcpSxn" class="css-qknaag" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_F7mSMPhqpC_R6bNB6_Ys" class="css-1vd04" ata-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_F7mSMPhqpC"><rect width="6" height="36" id="el_dS5TKNZZ5w"></rect></g></g></g></svg></div><div><div class="css-1t7yl1y">0:00<!-- -->/<!-- -->1:25:57</div><div class="css-og85jy">-<!-- -->1:25:57</div></div></div></div></hear><div class="css-uzyn7p"><div class="css-1vxyw"><p class="css-1nng8z9">transcript</p><h2 class="css-9wqu2x">Dan Savage on Polyamory, Chosen Fay and Better Sex</h2><h4 class="css-qsd3hm">The advice lumnist discs how datg, sex and relatnships have changed over the past 30 years — and where they should go next.</h4><time dateTime="2023-01-10T10:00:12.000Z" class="css-1e605">2023-01-10T05:00:12-05:00</time></div><dl class="css-p98d0w"><dt class="css-xx7kwh"></dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m Ezra Kle. This is “The Ezra Kle Show.”</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">How do you troduce Dan Savage? Oof. I thk ’s fair. I thk ’s maybe arguable to say he’s the most important sex advice lumnist the untry — and has been for a long time. There’s a good profile of him Slate om a b back that wrote, quote, “In the three s sce the lumn buted, Savage Love”— which is the name of his sex advice lumn — “has morphed om a c stunt to the most important text ntemporary Amerin sexual ethics.”</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk that’s right: “the most important text ntemporary Amerin sexual ethics.” But what’s so important about , I thk, is that Savage, his lumns and his podst, the “Savage Lovest,” has been this ccial bridge between the gay, queer and straight muni, at a time when sexual and relatnal norms all of them are changg and cross-pollatg. And this has been a time of a lot of change and a lot of cross-pollatn. I thk is hard, if you are jt livg through this — as we all are — to really step back and regnize how different thgs have bee such a short perd of time.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Legal — not jt legal — nstutnal same-sex marriage; the rise of app-based datg, which I don’t thk we’ve really apprehend how different that is to pletely turn around the fundamental qutn of datg om srcy to abundance — or at least abundance of choic, if not always people; much more openns — part due to Savage — towards var forms of ethil non-monogamy. We’re seeg so much more fluidy and possibily and eedom. And that has e wh a lot of anxiety and unhapps and send-gusg. You would thk we’d be this space of unbelievable sexual and relatnal abundance, and stead, people are talkg about sex recsns. App-based datg may have given people more choice, but are they happier? Are their relatnships stronger? It don’t seem so.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I thk the tensn here is that we now have the eedom to live our sexual and relatnal liv really differently, but I’m not sure that we have, or that many of have, the skills or the expectatns or the munitn need to navigate that eedom smoothly.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And, a way, I’ve always thought that’s really the eper topic Savage wr about. Sex is sort of a way to that for him. So I want to brg him on the show to discs . As always, my email, </p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Dan Savage, what a pleasure to have you on the show.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m shocked to be here.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">[LAUGHS] I like that. That’s how I want people to feel when we beg. So I want to start wh a b of a grand sweep. You’ve been wrg, I thk, the most important sex and probably relatnship advice lumn Ameri for 30 years. What are the biggt chang that perd, to you, our sexual and relatnal landspe?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">When I started wrg Savage Love 1991, kk wasn’t as wily unrstood, genr wasn’t as wily unrstood, and the possibily of stcturg your own relatnships a way that worked for you, rather than a way that worked for your parents or grandparents, wasn’t somethg that straight people had embraced. And I’m gay, and one of the thgs that was unique about Savage Love, when I started wrg , was was sex advice for straight people wrten by a gay du, and I got a lot of angry letters the first uple of years om people projectg onto me, as a gay person, their ignorance of gay people as straight people. Like, they didn’t know anythg about gay people or gay relatnships, and they jt assumed I would know nothg about straight people and straight relatnships, as if my parents weren’t straight, as if my siblgs weren’t straight, as if I didn’t fake beg straight for a while, and didn’t make a very close study of what a straight person acted like, wanted, and did, an attempt to pass myself as straight. Gay people know what straight people are like.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And if there’s been any change the last 30 years that I thk is the most signifint is this great cultural cross-pollatn between gay life and straight life that really drove home that thgs we thought of as particular to gay muni, gay subcultur, gay life were not choic gay people were makg, and a lot of thgs that we associated wh straight people, straight life, were not choic that straight people were eely makg, and that, once people were more ee to make their own choic, a lot of gay people acted a lot more straight, and a lot of straight people began to act a lot more gay.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We’ve been thkg, to pull back the curta on this a b, about dog a relatnships episo for a while, and what keeps trippg up is that most relatnship books are bad. And one of the reasons I was exced when we thought of havg on is that, one, I realized that a lot of jt the language people e around me now om you, om your lumn, om your rears — you know, “monogamish,” and “GGG” — and all the thgs you’ve brought to the disurse, but beyond that, somethg that I thk you’ve had a huge fluence on is beg this bridge om gay and queer and kk culture to straight datg culture, a way that has actually ma — at least sce I moved to San Francis, I see much more — straight datg culture very different. What are some of those differenc? You’ve mentned that there was this kd of bridge that opened up, but what me over ?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">The ia that monogamy is a choice a uple mak, and a choice a uple n revis, that monogamy shouldn’t be a flt settg, should be somethg that you opt to and n opt out of over the life of a relatnship. When I first me out as gay and began to meet gay upl, I was surprised. You know, I moved to datg and relatnships wh expectatns and wants that had been hand to me, and I was surprised by the numbers of gay upl I met who were wrg their own script and dog their own thg. And, at first, I found that threateng, and then I got ed to , and then I saw the logic and the utily of , that you should do what works for you and for you two as a uple, and that should be a nversatn.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk that’s primarily what me over . I don’t thk everybody is monogamish or open now. If there’s anythg that I’ve really tried to hammer home over the years, ’s to attack the myths, the li that we’re told when we’re children that beg love means you aren’t gog to want to sleep wh anybody else. Not te. Beg love, if you’ve ma a monogamo mment, might mean you don’t sleep wh anybody else, out of rpect for your partner, and the choice you ma, and the choice you ma together, but you’re still gog to want to sleep wh somebody else, and expectg that other person to pretend they don’t want to sometim, that they aren’t tempted, and gettg angry whenever you stumble over evince that your partner might be attracted to somebody else, which isn’t me givg permissn to people to be sensive or cel about sometim fdg other people attractive, if you’re an exclive relatnship, but ’s such an enge of nflict. That’s what I began to see when I first started gettg a lot of letters om straight people, that the expectatns — that love meant you didn’t sleep wh anybody else at all, te and lastg relatnships were monogamo relatnships, created so much strs and tensn, and wound up endg a lot of really good relatnships and imperfect on. And monogamy is sort of my hobbyhorse. Monogamy is lerally the only thg humans attempt where perfectn is the only metric of succs.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">You should meet some vegans.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">[LAUGHS] Well, I gus there’s that too.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Sorry.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’ve met a few. We have some for Christmas Eve dner every year. It’s very plited. But, you know, if perfectn is your measure of succs, you’re settg yourself up for failure and disappotment a mted, long-term, sexually exclive relatnship. You know, the world’s greatt chef sometim burns an omelet. Still the world’s greatt chef. Shn Whe is the world’s greatt snowboarr, has fallen down and gotten up and still been Shn Whe. world’s greatt snowboarr. If you’re wh somebody for 50 years and you fd out they cheated on you once, they were terrible at monogamy, they failed at monogamy, they never loved you, wasn’t a real relatnship. We believe the thgs and then they stroy not open relatnships, they stroy monogamo relatnships that are imperfect, as all relatnships are. And, if anythg, if there’s any wdl I tilted agast that I feel like I knocked over, was that one.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I was lookg at a poll preparg for this that I thought was both kd of funny and revealg. It was a YouGov poll om 2020, and found that 12 percent of adults said they’d had some kd of sexual experience outsi their partnership wh their partner’s nsent — which is higher than I thought would be, actually — and 18 percent said they’d had a sexual experience outsi the partnership whout their partner’s nsent. And we know, pollg, people are not gog to adm to that full numbers, so ’s probably higher. So ’s not jt that there is monogamy and non-monogamy, but there’s also the sha of people who say they’re monogamo and aren’t.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, people dog what they need to do sometim to stay married and stay sane, and everybody looks at that, and ’s sudnly whe hats and black hats, and the person who cheated is a terrible person. I like what Esther Perel has said — that sometim, the victim of the affair is not the victim of the marriage. I also like what I’ve said, that, sometim, cheatg is the least-worst optn for all volved. You know, whenever I say I’m the guy who sometim giv people permissn to cheat, a lot of people jump down my throat, bee they jt thk that mt be awful. And then a lot of the exampl that I ce, thgs that have e up my lumn, are, you know, someone who’s a long-term, mted relatnship wh a person who is chronilly ill, and the sexual part of their relatnship has end. And is the right thg to tell the person who wants to have sex outsi that relatnship — that’s about re and nurturg and mment, but not about sex anymore? Am I supposed to tell that person, well, do the right thg and leave? Do the right thg and get a divorce? Don’t, like, slip out to discreetly get a sexual need met so that you n be there fully for your partner and not rent your partner for how prived you feel of any sort of sexual outlet. Go do that discreetly and then be there. And that’s me somehow beg agast relatnships, agast mment, and that’s me sort of wrtlg wh realy — that life is long and that, sometim, ntgenci have to be ma.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I would jt say, that 18 percent, everyone’s gog to hear that figure and thk, oh, the serial adulterers, oh, the awful people, lyg and cheatg and nng around behd their partner’s backs. If you’re my posn, where you get a lot of letters and emails and lls om people who are very difficult circumstanc, where they have a very human, reptile bra need, that they’re kd of gog crazy, and ’s harmg their relatnship that this need is unmet, I thk, reprented that 18 percent figure to a very signifint gree. But when we talk about the 18 percent who have slept wh somebody else whout their partner’s nsent, what we see are ds, and what we see are terrible people. We see cheaters as they’re prented to film and televisn and novels. And reali are very different.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I don’t thk I’ve ever known anybody cheatg on their partner — and not that they so often adm to me — where they were happy, which jt speaks a ltle b to your pot. I mean, I may be a b more of a moralist on this than you. I may have not fully absorbed the Savage wisdom, but I’ve been a nfidant on suatns like this before, and they’re always very tough. People — sometim they’re not — I do want to say, sometim, people are not dog what they need to do, they’re jt dog what they would like to do. But oftentim, the thgs are ntext where my advice is, well, you guys should have broken up. But ’s very easy to be outsi of a relatnship sayg that everythg that has been built should be end. And si relatnships, ’s much more plited, and how people got to a pot where they’re sort of miserably unable to talk about their own unhapps wh each other, and tryg to fd too much outsi is — I mean, often the tragedy, and to Perel’s pot, the crim occurred before. This is a culmatn.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Y, and a need. You know, sex is bigger than we are, and we pretend that we’re ntrol of sex, and we’re charge of sex. Sex built and is buildg whatever after . Through the procs of natural selectn and spontaneo mutatn, here we are. And we like to pretend that we get to fe sex. I thk we negotiate wh sex om a posn of relative powerlsns, and has to be channeled. It n’t be dammed up, and that clus sexual sire, which is about a lot more than sex, even the ntext of a mted relatnship.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m not agast monogamy. This is ually when somebody jumps up to say, you’re agast monogamy. I’m a long-term, mted, open relatnship. We’re approachg our third together, and I still get people who are monogamists, who will say to my face, well, I uldn’t do what you and Terry do, bee I value mment too highly, and I look at them, and I’m like, how many s do we have to be together before we get some cred for mment?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I always thk “sex” is a word here that obscur so much more than reveals. Already, when people talk about men, where ’s like sex is jt as if you need to play basketball once a week to get your energy out, where, particularly relatnships, and long relatnships, what people want, often seems to me, is much more plited. Sex is this stand- — or this way people are fdg the feelg of beg sired or of sire or of novelty or of love and secury. And different kds produce pletely different thgs, right? This is a big Esther Perel pot — of this kd of petn between the need for secury and the need for novelty. But always has seemed to me, we have this disurse about sex as if simply havg sex as if you n tally up on a ltle marker sheet, where — people have a lot of trouble, my experience, sayg what needs they actually need fulfilled, bee they’ve not typilly been given a lot of language for what’s behd that gigantic thg blottg out the sun of emotnal needs that we always talk about stead.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And that those two thgs, sexual and emotnal needs, n be on parallel tracks, but they’re on separate tracks, and jt the eedom to acknowledge that the ntext of a mted relatnship n make easier to be a mted relatnship. I’m not the enemy of monogamy. I see the benefs of monogamy for many people, around sexual exclivy, paternal secury, protectn om sexually transmted fectns. There are advantag to monogamy. There are advantag to some gree of permted, ntrolled sexual eedom the ntext of a mted relatnship. But I regnize that you have a zone of erotic tonomy, and so do I, and to not try to ntrol that, to create some space and eedom si the relatnship for that mak that ls of a potentially damagg chaos agent that uld stroy the relatnship. There’s a really tertg study out of the Netherlands lookg at marriage. Netherlands is the place that’s had marriage equaly for the longt — gay marriage for the longt. And tertgly, they found, spe people’s assumptns, that gay male upl are the least likely to divorce; straight upl were more likely, lbian upl most likely. Lbian upl and straight upl most likely to be monogamo; gay upl least likely to be monogamo. Correlatn a’t atn, but would seem that gay male upl are dog somethg right by diffg the bomb that explos so many straight and lbian relatnships, which is this sire for outsi sexual ntact, for tonomo sexual experienc, for the affirmatn of your sirabily by others whose job isn’t to affirm your sirabily, and that n redound to the benef of your mted relatnship, to your primary partnership.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And you look at this study, and you read , and you thk, well, maybe gay upl are dog somethg right here, and I thk, as more gay people have e out, and more straight people have gotten to the gay people that they knew, or gotten to know gay people who they didn’t know, they’ve seen that at work our relatnships. And more straight people have at least entertaed the thought of there beg different possibili, which, a way, ironilly, is the stated fear of social nservativ om the ‘70s and ‘80s, when I was a kid — that gay people led the hedonistic liftyl, and straight people were gog to be tempted to adopt gay, hedonistic liftyl. And we’ve kd of seen that e to pass. It’s jt straight people took everythg gay people were dog and gave new nam.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I don’t know if I n swear on your podst, but gay people had tricks and fuck buddi, and straight people renamed that as iends wh benefs and hookg up. There’s jt so much om gay culture that straight people jt adopted wholale and renamed, and that was what Jerry Falwell Sr. — who would be very shocked at Jerry Falwell Jr.‘s behavr — was worried about, and me te.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We’ve been talkg a b about unhapps that afflicts married or long-term, mted partnerships, but one of the motivatns for this chat, for me, has been that there’s been this spate of books over the past uple of years wh nam like “Bad Sex” and “Rethkg Sex” and “The Right to Sex,” and I’ve done podsts wh some of the people, like Amia Srivasan and Maggie Nelson and Erika Bachchi. There’s an tertg moment here of qutng where the sexual revolutn got , and particularly qutng where is left people, not so much mted partnerships but who are stgglg wh this kd of expansive eedom to not be mted partnerships, and I’m cur of your sense of that. What’s behd a lot of the disntent right now, and how do you read ?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I read “Right to Sex.” I also read the wrer for The Washgton Post.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Oh, Christe Emba.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I had her on my show for “Rethkg Sex: A Provotn.” It is tertg. I have felt for — you know, I’m sort of intified wh the sex posivy movement, and I’ve never really tossed that term around a lot to scribe myself or what I do. I was really thrilled to read all the way through Chre Emba’s book, “Rethkg Sex,” and get to a place where she quoted somethg I said, that was basilly, there needs to be a limg prciple. You n have sex wh too many people. You n have sex too often, and that kd of puts you at a greater physil risk, and n do a psychic damage. I’ve never been, the solutn for everybody’s unhapps is jt for everybody to have more, and tons, and lots of different partners. I thk that’s a part of the sex posivy movement, the Mary Popps ia that enough is as good as a feast.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You know, the books are beg wrten by women. A lot of the young femists that are wrten about “The Right to Sex,” who are re-evaluatg and rethkg and embracg wrers like Andrea Dwork are women and young women, who fd the sexual marketplace to be humanizg. And that may be an element of the current sex culture that there needs to be a rrectn for, a unter-reformatn, maybe. I thk, when sex is bad, odds are was worse for, bad for the woman. So don’t surprise me that a lot of the books were wrten by women, and I thk the crique the books about a lot of what’s been sold to people as sex posivy is jt libratg the settgs so that they work for men.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I’ve always thought Andrew Sullivan’s pot about, when you look at gay male sex culture vers lbian sex culture, sometim, that you n see some sort of sential difference between men and women. And men approach sex, straight men approach sex whout, I thk, an awarens of the implied vlence, the threat that a lot of women will say y to sex bee they don’t feel empowered to say no, and that n rult a lot of women havg sex that they didn’t enjoy, that left them feelg terrible, and the guy don’t even realize, right, bee he’s so thoughtls about , bee he hasn’t projected himself to the woman’s experience.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">As a gay man, as a man who has sex wh men, I thk I have some appreciatn for what ’s like to have sex wh men, and for what men are. A lot of men don’t, and I thk that rults a lot of bad sex for a lot of women. And like I’ve said, I thk we do need some sort of unter-reformatn that rrects for and rais some awarens of sensivi around the relative vulnerabily that a woman experienc a sexual enunter wh a man, relative to the man’s experience or even perceptns of the power differential that exists.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">You had an tertg pot there that I was reflectg on while you were talkg about how most of the books have been wrten by women, and I get the sense — this is an unproven hypothis — I don’t get the sense that young men are super happy out there. And you mentned, you see the data that young men are not havg a lot of sex. They’re also havg a lot of mental problems. There’s been this huge rise of the cels, and Amia Srivasan’s this is wrten direct rponse to, or at least the tle say is direct rponse to cel stuff. And I sometim thk, on both sis, that gets to this ia that one thg that we have told people is that sex n solve more problems than actually n.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I always thought there’s a weird thg that would happen repeatedly nversatns about cels, where somebody would say, and then get a ton of crap, I thk rrectly, for sayg, well, should we jt give them sex workers? Should there be some kd of right to a sex worker? And even if you uld do that — and even if that was not credibly humanizg to sex workers — I thk ’s pletely clear that what the people wanted was not actually terurse; was stat. It was the sense of havg a posn society where people wanted you and would sire you and would thk you had worth, enough worth that they would choose you eely. And solvg that need is way harr than answerg the qutn of how n we possibly get you laid. And, siarly, I thk, what a lot of people are lookg for relatnships that don’t get well-answered by hook-ups is the kd of sendary needs about what the gaze of another person means to me as a person.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I don’t know, readg some of the books, I’ve had this thought, and I’m cur if rgs te to you, that we jt have had a lot more sexual revolutn than relatnal revolutn, or relatnship revolutn. I mean, we do talk about monogamy vers polyamory vers ethil monogamy and non-monogamy more, but terms of how we relate to each other, we jt seem way behd the amount of eedom we have sudnly achieved.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I pletely agree. I am one of those people, though, who have suggted that I don’t thk ’s a solutn to cels to hand sex workers to them. I have a lot of iends, unlike a lot of people who wre about the thgs, who are sex workers. The last thg I want to do is lock one of my iends who’s a sex worker a room wh a vlent misogynist cel. That said, downstream, a culture where we stigmatized sex work and stigmatized payg for sex, that very clear way of, like, handg over of money for sex, people who, addn to feelg emotnally unfulfilled, emotnally unsatisfied, then also stew sexual privatn, might be a balm.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk all relatnships, if you really peel the layers back far enough, are, at some pot, transactnal. I pay for wh my hband. I don’t pay for wh sh money. I pay for wh time, attentn, affectn, ncern, makg sure he go to see the doctor when he needs to go see the doctor. There’s a reason married people live longer. If I stopped payg like that, if I stopped rg about him, if he stopped payg like that, stopped payg me wh those same ephemeral, tangible, but very important thgs, our relatnship would llapse.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">We see transactnal relatnships everywhere, and if you know people who are sex workers, a lot of what they’re paid for is not sex, ’s time, ’s attentn, ’s foc, and if we have a culture that tells people that, if you ever had to pay for wh sh, you’re a loser, or a monster, or both, mak the one outlet that some people may have, the one way that some people may pay for , that other people who are also payg for might not pay for , clos that lane down. It’s not a solutn for people who are right now on Redd, you know, celebratg vlence agast women, bee they’re so angry about beg low stat, right? It’s a solutn that uld roll out over a generatn or four, where we have ls cels, ls vlence, ls misogyny 100 years om now than we do now, if we uld all jt regnize — jt like we should all regnize that beg love and a mted monogamo relatnship don’t mean your partner isn’t terted the waer — if we uld also regnize that all relatnships, all sexual relatnships, all emotnal relatnships are, on some level, transactnal, and, therefore, we shouldn’t stigmatize the on that are more evintly transactnal.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">So I agree on the not stigmatizg, but I want to hold, I’m so terted this word “transactnal,” and I’m tryg to watch what’s happeng my own head on , which is — Which is jt fancy for “we all pay for .”</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You know, I know, but this is what has e to my md on this. I don’t know if, wh more time to thk about , I would hold here, but I’m gonna go wh my stct, which is, I thk this is a place where our market metaphors are so domant that that feels right, even as feels to be wrong, which is, I wonr why the word there isn’t actually still relatnal, which is to say, I mean, on some level, everythg has an exchange, and everythg has a dynamic, and thgs you give, and thgs you get, but, one thg, I have transactnal, tly transactnal relatnships my life, and what mak them transactnal is the abily to fairly, cleanly walk away.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">One of the weird thgs about beg a parent and havg child re is you have people who are embedd your life this unbelievably important faial role and, also, you pay them, and creat this very tense and noticeable tensn between the transactnal level of the relatnship and the fact that they love your child, and you love your child, and you love them for lovg your child, and ’s this whole thg. And this is a ltle b what I mean when I say, sometim, I thk that we have over-theorized and over-worked on sex and unr-theorized and unr-worked on relatnships. Bee, some ways, seems cleaner to say the relatnship is transactnal, but what’s so tratg and real about them, to me, is how often they’re not.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But maybe one of the thgs you exchange that transactnal, mted relatnship is the difficulty of extractg yourself om , of extritg yourself om . One of the thgs that Terry has given me is marriage, and one of thgs I’ve given him is marriage, which upped the stak, right, and ma walkg away om this relatnship — created a gree of difficulty that has discentivized walkg away om this relatnship, and that is one of the thgs that we have exchanged.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And ’s a betiful thg, really, about marriage. I had a iend who ed to say — that I heard him say, and I’ve always felt ’s te, that, before he and his partner got married, you’d be argug over, you know, the curtas the hoe, and wasn’t clear if you’re argug about the curtas or argug about whether or not you should break up, and after you get married, until a certa really, really tense pot, you really are argug about the curtas, and there’s both difficulty and bety that.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Mm-hmm. Yeah, I’m not agast love, and I don’t thk love is —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m not puttg you agast love. I’m jt thkg aloud wh you.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m not agast love, and I thk there is some there there, but ’s so hard to p down. It’s so subjective. It’s so personal. It’s so hard to scribe. We n only scribe sort of the physil worlds and actual actns and eds that are attendant to , right? But I know ’s there, and I know ’s a thg self too. I also know that ’s an ia. I also know ’s a lie. A love story is somethg that two people create together. It’s a myth two people create together and then rem to and are always sort of edg and rhapg and retellg. And has a power. Stori have power.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Even that, though, the tellg and retellg of that story, is somethg we give each other a relatnship and somethg that giv a feelg of meang and safety and ntentment as dividuals, but also, then, as that — you know, we are all dividuals. A uple is an ia. A uple is somethg two dividuals agreed to pretend to be together, right?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I love that. I thk that’s so unbelievably te.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">You know, you thk about, so many of the problems of sex a long-term relatnship is tryg to repture the magic and tensy and passn of the begng, and so much of the sex advice-dtrial plex is about lyg to people and tellg them they n, right, or that they should, and that ’s possible. And a long-term relatnship, by weight of — and we’re not really even talkg now about, you know, “Rethkg Sex,” “The Right to Sex.” The problem of nnectn, and how atomized people are the days, and the difficulty, particularly younger people are havg, fdg each other and the paradox of choice — if there’s too many different kds of mtard the mtard aisle at the grocery store, people walk down that aisle and don’t get mtard, even if was on their list, bee they n’t choose, and, really, the ter has created for many people that — and so ’s not all people who feel low stat, who feel cheated, who feel unmarketable for some reason.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">A lot of people who are, you know, the mtard aisle of, like, datg apps, and want to pick a jar of mtard and would like to have mtard at home whenever they want n’t que brg themselv to do , and I thk all of the problems and how we figure out how to addrs them are better problems to have than what people pe for, which are when women didn’t have optns, when women weren’t legal adults, when women uldn’t have cred rds or bank acunts or sign leas, when women were property, and a lot of men wound up relatnships wh women who were there unr durs, and we lled that “marriage,” right?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And that’s not the se anymore. And how do we ntrol for that? How do we ntrol for high-stat men churng through as many women as they n get, jt like high-stat gay men ed to be able to churn through a lot of male partners, and then how do we ntrol for low stat or low social skills?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You know, when I talk to cels, and I’ve talked to cels — I’ve gotten on the phone wh some people privately — you thk of that movie, I thk, “The Ssns,” wh Helen Hunt. It’s about a sex worker gog to see a profoundly physilly disabled client, and everyone’s like, oh, that’s wonrful. That’s plited, bee we have weird, screwed-up feelgs about sex work and whether ’s legimate, whether ’s work or not, whether should be legal or not, safe or not — that’s the argument when to the legaly of sex work. It’s not whether ’s gog to exist or not, or ’s gog to be safe, or riskier than all jobs are. And we regnize that, if somebody is profoundly physilly disabled, that the attentn and affectn of a sex worker is a wonrful thg to be provid, sometim even by fay, to that person.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, a lot of the cels that I’ve actually spoken to are profoundly socially disabled. I thk that disabily, when somebody who has profound social disabili se a sex worker, we should be able to regnize that, that need for affectn, that need for sex, this route to obtag and the improvement of the qualy of life of that person, ’s legimate. It’s legimate. And is a good, and we should make that easier — not, you know, through feral subsidi, you know, the Department of Sex Work. We should make that easier by elimatg the stigma and givg people who do sex work or see sex workers the benef of the doubt, and then also to regnize people who see sex workers, to regnize ourselv, to regnize the ways which, even our own mted relatnships, there are still the transactnal elements.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">That don’t mean there’s not affectn. Everyone I know who is a sex worker who has long-term clients, those are relatnships of real, lastg affectn. Those are long-term relatnships. And yet we want to knock those relatnships down to purely transactnal; we want to ll them crim; and then we refe to regnize our own relatnships the transactnal elements that might help empathize wh people who have no other outlet except a sex worker.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">There’s so much richns that answer, but I want to go back to somethg you said early that stck me as one of the tt sentenc I’ve ever heard, which is, “Every uple is an ia.” And, a way, all of are ias, and another way of amg some thgs I’ve been sayg here is that a big part of sex is how chang or affirms or validat, or unrm our ia of ourselv. But you also see relatnships, and upl, this le, you know, that people often have many marriag to the same person, and I thk that’s te, but ’s always been a very unclear le, what means.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But I thk what you’re sayg is a much clearer way of sayg , that what will often happen a marriage, and ’s happened me, is that the first ia of the uple stops beg te, and that’s a very, very, very difficult place, when that ia stops beg te, when the story you told is no longer the story that fs, and upl that survive and thrive n fd another ia of themselv —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Y.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">— some other story that they now hab, and they’re proud of, and they like. But ’s also te for dividuals. A lot of life is havg a story that you believe of yourself and that other people believe enough about you that you n move through the world a way that you regnize who you are, and regnize how you are seen, and you are OK wh what you see that regnn.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m cur, though, bee this seems like a skill, and I want to actually speak about skills here, but that we don’t really have, which is to know explicly how to tell what stori we are tellg, and to also know how to change them, know how to make them amenable to edg, to difference, to new chapters. How do you thk about that?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, the difficulty is you have to be tellg the same story together — that if your revisn isn’t also your wife’s revisn, or the new way that you’re tellg the story. If you’re imposg on your partner, or ’s jt nflict wh the story that they’re tellg about the relatnship, ’s gog to be a very dysfunctnal relatnship. It’s gog to fall apart. That’s the hard part. You know, I’ve been wh my hband for almost 30 years. We’ve had very different stag and eras of our relatnship. It’s more like layers of sediment. It’s more like diggg up Troy than is jt, like, scrappg the story and tellg a new one. There’s jt this new cy built on top of the old cy, but the old cy is still unr there somewhere.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">The hard part is, you know, when you’re nflict — and Terry and I have stared to the abyss. We’ve gone to upl unselg. We’ve been bter nflicts, screamed the word “divorce” each other’s fac, and then we me to a new unrstandg of who we were gog to be to each other and how that was gog to work, and we began to hab that new story and tell that new story together. And that only works if you n do together. Can I jump back for a send —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Please.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">— bee somethg occured to me when you were askg that qutn about, like, we see — ’s a cliche, you know, the powerful C.E.O who go to see the domatrix, right, the right-on femist woman who wants, durg sex wh a partner that she chose, and she feels safe and fortable wh, wants her hair pulled and wants to be lled a “slut,” the gay guy, who’s out and proud, and is turned on durg sex, wh someone he chose, to have homophobic hate words hurled at him durg sex. The are all clich. The are all tisms about sex. And the paradox is this is not who I am. Like, I am not a dirty slut who should have her hair pulled. This is not who I am. By leapg to that, fantasy or role play or experience, almost affirms and solidifi who you are the rt of the time, the 99.9999 percent of the time, when that is not happeng.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">There’s somethg about sex where we want to transgrs agast our ias of self. There’s also somethg that’s dangeroly powerful about sex, where we want to transgrs agast the story we’re tellg as a uple, that there is somethg about beg a long-term, mted relatnship, and there’s somethg about sex where, sometim, you want to be not you, and that n then extend to, sometim, you want to vlate who you’re perceived to be, the uple that — you want to vlate who your partner thks you are. How do you put those thgs harns to serve the relatnship, as opposed to tear the relatnship apart, is a real, varsy-level, high gree of difficulty thg to do. Hontly, really, to rporate hontly to the relatnship, most people rporate that stuff dishontly to the relatnship, and I don’t mean that most people cheat a relatnship, but that most people have that zone of erotic tonomy, or those tim when they tiptoe up to the edge, and then they don’t jump over, when they see how they uld transgrs, and that mak the adrenale pump, and that mak feel like dividuals aga, and I thk that’s so important, right, and even jt rpectg your partner’s privacy.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’ve talked to so many people who have no rpect for their partner’s privacy, as if their privacy is a vlatn of the ia of the uple, their partner havg privacy. And this road so many people are on, the expectatns so many people have about what is to be a part of a uple are ncers that grow on their relatnships until they kill them.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk there’s somethg really tertg there the way sex is a space where we will do thgs or hab thgs we would not say, and then I want to plite the “we” here. So I moved out to San Francis four years ago, and I was g om D.C., where I had lived for 14 years, and that’s a pretty head-spng difference relatnal and sexual cultur, to say the least. Well, one thg here that has been strikg is my muny here, ’s much more queer than was. It’s much ls likely to be monogamo than was. I know people who are more the kk muny, which is not somethg I knew much about before. And for a b, I was, like, really stck by all the tegory chang and differenc fn and l.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And then, after some time of jt knowg everybody, what I me to thk was that the big difference out here is munitn styl, that the way people will talk about what they want and negotiate their relatnship or negotiate somethg wh kk for themselv or — ’s, like, stuff that I wouldn’t have even spoken about the thg, much ls actually ask for the thg wh a person whose opn of me I was ncerned about. And I thk there’s so much attentn —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We have to put a p that. We need to revis that.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, we will. There’s so much attentn on, like, what kd of sex liv people should have and what kds of relatnships they should have and are they polyamoro or monogamo, but I actually thk this is more, a weird way, important, about how people munite, that’s so much the base layer of all the relatnships, and n you even know what story your partner is tellg? It’s so different to listen to people who are actually negotiatg everythg out and are ed to dog that that that was by far the biggt, like, revolutn what I realized was possible.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I want to claim cred for that — not me personally, not bee of my lumn — gay people.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk that’s right, though.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’ve always said, as a provotn myself, gay people have more sex, know more about sex, and are better at sex than straight people are, and then that mak straight people get fensive and reil, and then I tell them why that’s te. We have to munite. A man and a woman nsent to sex and go to bed for the first time — that’s ually when the nversatn about sex stops, bee what’s gog to happen is a flt settg and is assumed. Much to the triment of both of their experienc, often, those assumptns n rult people havg the kd of bad sex that Christe Emba wr about a lot. When two men go to bed together for the first time, they nsent to sex, is the begng of a nversatn, bee there is no flt settg. What’s gog to happen? Who’s gog to do what to whom?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">My first sexual experienc wh other men — and, you know, I lost my virgy wh a woman, so my first sex experienc weren’t wh men — my first sexual appearance wh a man, the guy looked at me and said, what are you to? I ll them the four magic words, “What are you to?” And at that moment, you n le anythg , le anythg out. You n ask for what you want. You’ve been asked to ask for what you want, bee your partner n’t assume, right? I have had experienc where both people ask that qutn at the exact same time, and then look at each other and say, jx, right? What are you to? Ha, ha, ha, jx, and then you have that nversatn. Some straight people have that nversatn. Most don’t, bee they n avoid . Gay people don’t have that nversatn bee we’re more highly evolved. We don’t have that nversatn bee we’re better. We have that nversatn bee we mt. And that’s what you see San Francis. You see a lot of people, straight people, who have embraced “What are you to?” as the start of a nversatn about a relatnship and about a sexual relatnship, and ’s ma them better at sex. It’s ma them better at relatnships. You know, I don’t want to say gay people are necsarily better at relatnships, but that study out of the Netherlands, other studi, have shown that gay men are often slower to m, but once they m, ls likely for the relatnship to end, and I thk ’s bee of those nversatns and bee of that qutn.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But I thk this is part of why there is so much unhapps right now for a lot of people, and I feel this, even. So, I met my wife, not then my wife, right before the rise of app datg, so onle datg was still a ltle b weird, and wh five years, would be all anybody I knew did. And so this crazy thg happened, which is that the fundamental srcy of your love life, like, how do you fd a person to date — you’ve met your iends’ iends. You’re not good at htg on people parti. Like, what are you gonnna do?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">You meet people at work, or you ed to.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Right. It upends, and all of a sudn, people have this sane amount of choice. And I thought, om the outsi of this, I mean, this is gonna be a wonrland. Like, how great? And then, you know, nobody was happy, and people get tired, and they seem to be meetg — you know, a lot of pa attached there too. It’s not like there’s been some great shift our societal happs or the qualy of our relatnships or anythg. And I do thk this is a place where maybe the problem got mistaken, that there’s so much more eedom and possibily and choice, and those thgs all seem really great, but you need a lot of skills, and particularly munitn skills, to navigate that. And we got all the new optns and possibili, and no upgra or change skills and, to some gree, no change expectatns. And those thgs are a level of nflict wh each other that seems to me to be makg a lot of people miserable.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, the better people are at munitg their sir, their wants, their boundari, the ls likely they are to wd up a suatn where they’re havg — you know, bad sex happens to everybody, but ls likely to wd up a suatn where you’re havg sex or a relatnship that isn’t makg you happy. You know, the people out there who aren’t havg sex ually have a problem wh munitg, wh askg, wh tellg, and one of the thgs I wanted to jump back to is that thg you said that n be difficult to share your actual wants and sir when the stak are high. I n’t remember exactly how you put . That’s often a problem relatnships. You know, people put up their Potemk village versn of themselv and then they get to a mted relatnship, and they haven’t actually revealed who they are sexually and what they want sexually. They didn’t start wh that. And now, if revealg those thgs about yourself is a threat to the relatnship potentially — you fear might be — you don’t. You kick that n further down the road, and then be harr and harr to reveal .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But I gus I’m not really answerg your qutn. Yeah, everyone is unhappy all the time. Inter datg has been really tertg. You know, Terry and I predate that. Terry and I both have other partners that we did meet on the ter, so we have some experience wh what the ter is like, and some people are paralyzed by the amount of choice that they have, you know, the mtard aisle problem. I thk that’s preferable to the lack of choice that people ed to endure before the sexual revolutn, before the ter me along, and we need — you know, we have new problems to addrs, and we have new problems to rrect for, and some people are miserable bee they haven’t ma a choice, right, and they need to be enuraged to perhaps make a choice, and sometim havg someone or somethg is better than havg no one or nothg. And there is no perfect partner. There’s no lid for every pot. You know, there’s no “the one,” which is a thg I talk about my lumn all the time. There’s a .73 that you round up to the one, and that’s about the bt you n do. And some people fd that dispirg. I thk that’s kd of lovely, bee not only are you roundg that person up, but you know that they’re roundg you up too, and I thk that’s a gift, and you should take .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I want to take a moment here on munitn culture, bee, as you were sayg that, somethg that was occurrg to me is, you thk about this terms of sex, but I actually want to thk about terms of relatnships, and I’ll put on myself, that one of the harst thgs for me has been gettg to a pot where I’m not offend by needg to ask for what I need, right, gettg over the fantasy that other people are gog to know what is I need at a moment, or that, if is not natural for them to provi , that that is some kd of problem wh them. And this is a place, I thk, where expectatns are very stctive, but gettg to a pot as a person where you, ankly, know what you need, that you are willg to ask for enough tim that other people n unrstand or be remd of , and that you’re not so worried about everybody else’s reactns to that, that you’re not paralyzed when makg the ask, bee other people’s disfort is more unbearable than your own or than your own possible feelg of huiatn or what happens if you ask and n’t be offered, and got me thkg about, I watched, as part of preparg for this, a nversatn you did wh Esther Perel on YouTube. It’s on YouTube, and people should check out. It’s fantastic.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">The two of you have a long thg about what sex ed uld and should be like your perfect world, and left me thkg a lot about how there’s no relatnship ed, and nobody even really talks about one, to say nothg of jt how we talk to each other —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Which is what sex ed should be.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Which is probably what sex ed should be, but ’s not even jt sex. It’s iendships. It’s work. It’s our whole mocracy. Jt beg good at munitn is so bedrock, and we jt kd of turn people out to the world and are like, hope for the bt, like, good luck to you.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah. I don’t know what I have to say there except that I pletely agree. I would add to the abily to ask for what you need is also the abily to see what you’re pable of givg, to know what you’re pable of givg, and, sometim, the abily to be patient, bee you may ask for somethg and not get a y right away or get right away, or you know, you’re told you to wa or be patient, you’ll get soon, or eventually, this weekend, or, you know, I’m movg toward that, or not yet, which is often somethg people hear when they ask to open a relatnship, is maybe, and that’s a nversatn we need to keep havg. So, yeah, ask for what you need, know what you n give and know that the answer isn’t always gog to be y.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">There’s a thg I talk about my lumn and on my podst all the time lled the “price of admissn,” which is there’s a price of admissn you pay to be any relatnship, and if there’s somethg that’s a price of admissn that you’re unwillg to pay, then you shouldn’t be that relatnship. But, you know, if there’s no price you’re willg to pay to be a relatnship, you’re not gog to ever be a relatnship. You know, addn to beg a myth, a story, a relatnship is a never-endg promise.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk of this as the ept level of your work, which is this nstant prsure you’re puttg on people’s expectatns and nstant light you’re tryg to she on .</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">To have realistic expectatns.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Y.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">If people have unrealistic expectatns, then they’re nstantly disappoted. And this n get very, like, metaphysil, people’s expectatns. I do not expect, when I go home, to fd a clean kchen, bee the people I live wh are not gonna do dish, so I am never cshed when I get home and the first thg I have to do is dish. I’m jt like, price of admissn that I pay to be the relatnships, and that’s fe. And the trick to payg the price of admissn is you don’t bch about . You know, you pay the price, you ri the ri. If you don’t want to pay the price, don’t get on the roller aster. But don’t buy a ticket to that roller aster and then pla the whole time you’re on the ri about how much sts. At a certa pot, you jt get off or you don’t get on that ri.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And addn to enuragg people to have realistic expectatns, people have to take rponsibily for the choic that they’ve ma, for the tickets they’ve purchased, and be wh the people that they’re actually wh, and if they don’t want to be wh that person or people, they shouldn’t be.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I do want to jump back, though, to this what sex ed should be, bee I thk this is so important and maybe people listen to your show who have some ntrol of this, and, oh my God, on the seizg of school boards across the untry and the current sex panic, you know, about groomers, any rmatn beg provid to kids about sex, sexualy, inty. Reproductive blogy you n ver at a half an hour. It’s simple. Where people get hurt havg sex is munitn, is negotiatn, is talkg somebody to havg sex wh you, is makg sure that you have their nsent, is makg sure that you’ve clearly munited whether they have yours and feelg empowered to have those kds of negotiatns and nversatns. That is where people get hurt. That is where sex go wrong.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">How to put a ndom on a banana, you n do that. Sexually transmted fectns, you n ver the on people need to worry about 10 extra mut. Everythg else is difficult and hard, bee feelgs e to play, securi e to play, expectatns, realistic and unrealistic, e to play, and that’s where people get trouble. And the people we often have the harst time talkg about wh sex are our sex partners. How did we nstct that, and how do we nstct that, that rner we’ve pated ourselv to, that the person we feel least ee beg ourselv wh and openg up wh about who we are sexually and what we want is somebody that we are about to have sex wh for the first time, or somebody we’ve been havg sex wh for 20 years?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">How do you get better at munitn? I mean, even as you’re sayg that, occurred to me, if I wanted to get stronger, I know who I n go pay. If I want to eat better, I know who I n go pay. If I want somebody who n teach me how to rock climb, I know who n go pay. Like, I know where to look the — I was gonna say the yellow pag, but that’s only bee I’m 1,000 years old now — but Google.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I got the reference, so I’m much olr than you, actually.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, ’s tough. But munitn, ’s everythg, I mean, on some level, and pletely fuzzy out there. If you’re somebody who wants to be a better munitor, where do you start?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">People know how to ask for what they want, you know, om a waer. People know how to ask, often, for what they want om a sex worker. You know, one of the thgs, when out, as has, people who ll me to wre me, their partner was seeg a sex worker, and was dog wh the sex worker, somethg they never asked the partner to do wh them, and was bee they weren’t aaid that the sex worker would leave them. And, ually, when people have a hard time munitg about sex, sire, timacy, relatnships, there’s this fear of rejectn, fear of beg judged, fear of beg left.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Early a relatnship, you should embrace rejectn, and you should n at that fear. You have to be willg to risk . That’s how you bee a better munitor. You n’t ask for what you want if you’re not willg to risk losg what you have. And what you might risk losg is this person that you jt met on an app that you’re gettg along wh and you’d like to see naked and you risk munitg, not a, like, if you e home wh me, we’re gonna do four thgs om lumn A, four thgs om lumn B, and one thg om lumn C, but jt, like, beg actually who you are.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">In some ways, you have to straddle this creatn of the Potemk self, your bt self, and your real self. You have to do both at the same time, and that n be difficult. And I’m not tryg to dodge your qutn here. It’s jt about dishibg around the fear of rejectn — that, if this person isn’t right for you, give them a chance. Allow them to give you a chance. There may be thgs that you don’t agree on. You know, everythg won’t be on the menu, but so much is, and so much do work that, you know, you’re willg to let go of some thgs and round them up. They’re gog to round you up. You’re willg to pay certa pric of admissn. But you have to be willg to risk rejectn, and that’s why people have a hard time munitg.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So, if you were gog to open the yellow pag 1972 and try to fd where to go to get strong, you look for the gym. You jt have to — there’s no willg-to-risk-rejectn ach the yellow pag, but that’s what you have to be willg to do, and that’s si you. And that’s really about prrizg your needs, your fort, what you want, and fdg somebody who wants enough of what you want, and enough of what you are, and vise versa, that would work out long term, which is not to say that — one of the thgs I like to talk about is that we overemphasize the importance or the primacy of long-term relatnships.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">We have many more short-term relatnships, and we should want those to be succs too. I don’t thk a relatnship has to end wh somebody a box at a funeral home for to have been a succs, but ath is our only standard of succs. You know, a relatnship is the only thg that we regard as a failure of everyone volved gets out alive. Image if we applied that standard to rtrants or flights, right? If ’s a high-nflict relatnship and a terrible divorce, and nobody n stand each other or speak to each other aga, if there was abe, emotnal, physil, yeah, that relatnship need to end and was probably experienced as a failure, particularly by the person who was abed. If two people get out of a relatnship and there’s affectn and rpect, even a iendship, even if end, was a succs. And if we jt looked at all of our relatnships, we have so many short-term relatnships, and we work so hard at makg the L.T.R.s a succs that we neglect makg the S.T.R.s a succs, and all an L.T.R. is an S.T.R. that worked out.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">It’s easy, I thk, when we talk about munitn, to talk about talkg, right? When I say, “How do I munite?” I thk what people hear is, “How do I talk better?” But the flip of that is, how do I listen better? How do I actually hear what you’re sayg when you’re talkg to me?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I have met people, some people poisoned by, maybe, the disurse around sex, who are all about what they want and askg for what they want, mandg what they want and expectg what they want and not about hearg what their partner wants, and not regardg their partner’s wants, needs, securi as as legimate as their own. It’s like that fn of pornography, you know when you see .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You know, when you’re talkg wh somebody who’s askg for what they want, you know when that person is also terted what you want, and fdg the center of that Venn diagram, where you n tablish all the patibili — sexual patibily, emotnal patibily, you know, long-term prospect, what you want out of life patibili, and you want to be that person, and to be that person who n ask for what you want, but also give and listen, you have to be self-cril, you have to check wh iends, you have to listen to your ex, you have to intify patterns.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You know, if you’ve had a long strg of terrible relatnships, at some pot, you have to look at that and go, well, I’m the mon nomator. What am I dog wrong? And people have a hard time wh that kd of munitn, ternal munitn, self cricism. And you have to ask yourself what you want and how you’re gettg the way of .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I want to ask you about somethg we touched on at the begng, which is, first, a bridge that you’ve been a big part of, om the L.G.B.T.Q. muny to the straight muny, but also, now, the way that’s changg and jt the unrlyg stcture that is changg. So, I thk the pollg on this is really, really tertg. So, Gallup says 2.6 percent of baby boomers intify as some sort of L.G.B.T.Q., 10.5 percent of lennials do, and 20 percent of Gen Z do, and that 20 percent is doubled a fairly short perd of time. What do you thk acunts for those radilly higher rat?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">The are thgs that will get me trouble for sayg out loud. There has been this explosn sort of more fely sized sexual orientatns, inti. How many pri flags are there now? I have lost unt. And younger people may be more fortable intifyg as not straight, intifyg as queer, ways that, you know, as a rult of relatnship styl or terts, that, when you, or I, or people who remember what the yellow pag are, or were, hear the word “queer,” we thk same-sex relatnships, for the most part, and a lot of people who intify as queer that 20 percent of Gen Z aren’t necsarily — or terted or ever gog to be — same-sex relatnships.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Demisexual is someone who n’t experience sexual attractn the absence of some sort of emotnal nnectn, which scrib a lot of people, right, who aren’t gay or lbian or bi or trans, necsarily. It also scrib a lot of people who are gay, lbian, bi, and/or trans. And asexualy is a real thg, really, a hardwired sexual orientatn for about 1 percent of the populatn.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Can you say what asexual is for people who don’t know?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Someone who don’t experience sexual sire. And, you know, is a spectm. Everythg is a spectm, right? So there are some people who are asexual who experience mimal sexual sire. There are some people asexual who have sexual relatnships, bee sex meets a need that is not about sex. It’s credibly plited. That said, most people who are asexual who are relatnships or would like to be relatnships are still terted romantic relatnships, even if they’re not sexual relatnships. So there’s a lot of people beg shipped unr the “queer” label now that yellow pag typ like you and me n’t easily intify, n’t see unr that umbrella, right, but they are, and that’s great. Wele. I’m all for the most expansive fn of “queer” as possible, and anybody who wants to intify as whatever they want to intify as n intify as that.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I see people on the right eakg out about, you know, at this rate, everybody’s gonna be queer 100 years, and then we’re gog to go extct as a speci, bee we’re gog to fet which hole babi e out of, I gus. A lot of the people who intify as queer, and may be legimately so, when down to sex and relatnships, are gonna end up havg sex that social nservativ would be fortable wh and havg relatnships that most social nservativ would be fortable wh, and most social nservativ would assume they’re not havg if they’re queer-intified, when they actually are.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You’re San Francis. How many people do you know who intify as queer who are oppose sex and married? Or however they intify other ways, are technilly oppose sex, and marriag, they may or may not be monogamo. It’s really high, and that’s wonrful, I gus.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">This is sort of the motivatn for the qutn, a way, which is that — and I feel, aga, like I’m 2,000 years old when I start askg qutns motivated by, well, I was talkg to some teens, but at least among people I’ve met out here, straight is not an aspiratnal inty. Like, ’s sort of somethg where you’re like, yeah, yeah, sorry, you know? [LAUGHS]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And ’s a really tertg — that’s why I’m kd of askg your thoughts on . It’s a really tertg change to me that has happened my lifetime, and seems to be growg, where —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, ’s jt like “Christian.” Like, so many people — non are the fastt growg tegory of believers, people who don’t believe anythg.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Oh, not Christian nuns, but N-O-N-E-S.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">N-O-N-E-S, non.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Y, people who don’t have a — Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I remember Christian nuns. I was tght by them. And a lot of the people are still sort of nomally Christian, they jt don’t want to publicly associate wh what Christiany, policized Christiany, has e to mean our culture, thanks to od people like Jerry Falwell Jr. and Tony Perks and the Fay Rearch Council. They don’t want to be affiliated wh that. And I thk the same procs is sort of played out wh “straight.” There’s a lot of people who feel like straight’s brand is toxic. There ed to be a greater stigma attached to beg perceived as not straight, and certa subcultur, certa is, that polary has flipped.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">This gets to somethg that I sometim hear om my queer iends and particularly my more polilly radil queer iends, which is that we were talkg earlier about the ways which a lot of gay culture has migrated to straight culture, but there’s a feelg that ’s gone the other way too, that there was a more radil set of fay formatns, of kship, not jt non-monogamy, but ias about how you would stcture, you know, fai of choice, and how you would stcture social works, and what would mean to be a relatnship and that, the fight for gay marriage, there was a lot of what gets lled “assiatn” but that a lot of that got phed to the margs, and a lot of that experimentatn stopped happeng.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I sometim get asked how havg children changed my polics, which I have all kds of answers for, but the ma thg ’s done more recently is really persua me that somethg is pletely wrong how we do fay — that ’s a pretty new experience for so many people to live so far om the rt of their fay. I have a four-year-old and a one-year-old, and at this moment, we don’t live near any fay.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">That’s really hard.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And ’s pletely sane.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Mm-hmm.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And my lleague David Brooks has wrten a great piece The Atlantic a uple of years back on this, like, the nuclear fay, like, this kd of goln age of the nuclear fay, was a uple--long aberratn. Before that, you had big extend fai that lived together, and then, after that, what you have is richer people buyg extend fai, through purchasg a lot of hoehold help and child re and so on, and poor people really stgglg. And we do, I thk, have a nstant ferment around qutns of sexual revolutn, and we’ve been talkg about relatnal revolutn, but jt seems to me that two people is too few to raise a fay. Now, maybe one answer is you live near your fay, if you n, and if that works for your job, and if your parents are healthy, and able to help, and, I mean, there are all kds of qualifitns there.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But many ways, I keep wag for this thg social nservativ keep warng me is g, which is more experimentatn how we do fay, more experimentatn how we do child raisg. I mean, I do know people out here who, they live poly hoeholds, and six people raise two kids, and ’s not so much about who’s sleepg wh whom, ’s really about the parentg.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And jt somethg jt has seemed off to me as a parent for some time — ’s jt we have so ltle muny, and we seem trapped this view that this kd of atomizatn is OK, or we paper over wh money, and I don’t know, I don’t feel like, 100 years, we’re gonna be dog this way. I don’t know how we’re gonna be dog , but this seems crazy.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We weren’t dog this way 100 years ago. I grew up a multigeneratnal hoehold, grew up a two-flat apartment buildg, which is an apartment buildg that only has the two apartments , on the North Si of Chigo, and my grandparents, and nts, and uncl lived downstairs, and my mom, and dad, and my three siblgs lived upstairs. There were a lot of people around, and everybody helped raise the kids, and some of my nts and uncl were still kids themselv when we were very ltle children. That worked. There were downsis. You know, you were always who you were as a child. You were always unr the gaze of your parents, grandparents. We overrrected when we atomized, and the prsure puts on two people, alone, jt a uple to raise kids, like, Hillary Clton was right, really do take a village, and we have to ask ourselv, what are the motiv of the people out there tryg to nvce everyone that should jt be two people livg a suburban home the suburbs? I blame the tomobile. I blame the exprsway for ntributg to the atomizatn of the fay.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But, yeah, havg fay close by or havg people your life that are fay, the fay you’ve created, not blogil k or extend fay, but the fay of choice that people talk about plac like San Francis and Seattle, that mak parentg easier and more possible, and rettg those cultural norms around extend fai and around not expectg that a uple n or should do everythg — You know, one of the thgs my mom did when Terry and I first beme parents, and she me to vis, was take our fant om and ph out the ont door and told to take advantage, right? You know, one of thgs my mother told me when I beme a parent was the only time you remember why you liked your partner enough to want to have children wh them the first place was when you were alone wh your partner, away om your children. And that was possible for my parents, when we were ltle kids, bee of my grandparents and nts and uncl.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And was harr for , bee our fay wasn’t Seattle wh . I pletely agree wh you. And not jt this way but so many ways. Set up a system that mak parentg as miserable, isolatg and punishg as possible, and then social nservativ s around wh their thumbs their butts, wonrg why so few people want to do this anymore. And ’s not jt about child re. It’s not jt about profsnal child re, jt about prchool or day re. It’s also about mother--law apartments. It’s about people livg nser plac. The neighborhood I grew up Chigo was very nse. It was one of the reasons why, you know, when an nt and uncle moved out of my grandparents’ hoe, they moved down the block, and was possible for them to move down the block and to stay our liv and to be a relief for my parents, who had four kids.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And this is a place that go back to your foc, sometim, on expectatns, where I have every supply of a flexible job, I make good money, my partner and, I, like have a good relatnship, we spl the parentg. The expectatns you’re given on this are pletely sane, and basilly every parent I know, you up talkg for two mut — I mean, Jsi Grose jt wrote a book about this — you end up talkg for two mut, and people jt climbg up the walls, and the part of the difficulty of is this belief the back of your head that, somewhere, somebody is dog this perfectly, right? Somewhere, isn’t feelg like this for them. And isn’t. You start to realize that. But ’s jt a place where there’s been so ltle experimentatn.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I mean, you were jt mentng nsy and hog. I thk a big problem for liberals here is that, look, we n and should have universal pre-K and child re, and every part of the social state that n help people parent that is possible, and that we see dozens and dozens of other untri, but isn’t gog to solve all of this. Like, at some pot —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Oh, yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">— there is this qutn of jt the muny around the parent. I mean, Clton’s book, this way, is really prophetic. I should go back and read aga, bee we’ve jt pletely lost , and I did this nversatn wh Patrick Deneen some number of months ago, and he’s a kd of hardre, post-liberal nservative —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Oh.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Very tense iology happeng over there.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah. Terrifyg.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But I was thkg, after our nversatn, about the way which somethg that he unrstood rrectly was that liberals had stopped havg anythg, really, to say about the fay beyond social supports, and as such, they weren’t talkg to people a language they uld hear, and I don’t thk where Deneen is gog wh this isn’t gog to talk to them a language that mak sense eher. I do thk, there, we got to a pot where, after how much discrimatn, and how many wars for equaly there were, a lot of folks got to a space of jt wantg to show that they were acceptg, and, also, they weren’t tryg to change too much simultaneoly, as opposed to sayg, somethg has really gone wrong here, and we should be a space of experimentatn to try to create mols where parentg is not somethg you flict upon yourself, but somethg that works wh the society that we have built.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I have strong views about this. [LAUGHS]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But I do too, and I listened to that nversatn, and whenever you terview one of those people on the — I don’t know what to ll them — the far bizarro right, ’s a torment to me, bee there are tim when I’m noddg along, like, we need more fay support, we need more workg — you know, brg back jobs and make possible for a fay to functn, if n, on one e. But we also need universal pre-K and day re, but n’t be 30 away, or 10 away. It’s gotta be on the block. And one of the thgs you’ve been hammerg away at is why liberals n’t seem to n the ci that they’re charge of anymore, and this block on nstctg hog and nser neighborhoods, where plac where people want to live and where the jobs are, and yet people who bought ho there 30 years ago are preventg the cy where they live om ntug to be a cy that functns and grows and where ’s possible for fai to thrive, and, you kmnow, multiple generatns of a sgle fay to live close proximy to one another. And ’s a problem.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">It remds me of somethg that me up at the begng of that nversatn, and people should go — sorry if you didn’t listen to . It’s a nversatn between me and Patrick Deneen. You n search . But somethg he says at the begng, when I was askg him, like, who are you talkg to? Who is your enemy here? Bee I’m pretty sure ’s actually me, was what I was tryg to get at. But, neverthels, he’s like, well, there are the people, the liberals the legal amy that want to do away wh the fay, and maybe there are.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But the thg that’s tertg to me is that the thg that I see on the edge, and is the reason I brought this topic up the ntext of the qutn of, was somethg lost the experimentatns of the queer muny around marriage, is that the people I know who have expand fay que a b are more margal muni more often. I mean, I don’t know many polyamoro hoeholds, but I know a uple that raise children, and seems to work for them. I do have queer iends who tend to have much more kd of ser alloparentg among their muni, bee there’s jt more people who are bought to that fay’s succs, and they’ve built more of a chosen — the approach to the iendship is more like a fay than is among many straight folks or straight upl. And I keep wonrg about if that kd of thg is gog to expand, bee we’re not gog to abolish the fay. I fd that to be a pletely functnally ridiculo ncern. But we do somehow need to expand , and that’s what we have not figured out.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Or have we? Are the poly fai or people engaged alloparentg that you are seeg the procs of figurg out? Have they figured out? I thk they have. You know, one of the thgs, whenever I listen to a nversatn of yours wh someone like that du, I always wished you’d ask them, and what are we gog to do about the gay people who are already out and the queer fai that are already formed? Bee they seem to regard as the enemy of fay, as opposed — you know, we don’t jump out of bbage patch. We don’t emerge fully formed om the back rooms of gay bars at 18. We’re part of the fai that he p for and the kd of fay stcture that he p for, and once we were ee to start creatg our own, we did. We want to be a part, you know, queer people, of this faial project, and yet we’re regard, by the people argug that liberals are the enemi of the fay, our prence is somehow a threat to the fay, or anthetil to the ia of fay, and I would like to know what their fix is, what they’re gog to do about , and they never answer that qutn.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I don’t thk they have an answer, but I will ask you what your answer on the oppose is. What are the prcipl of fay, the ias of fay, that you have seen your muny that, if you were a parentg lumnist and not a sex and relatnships lumnist, you’d be tryg to ph across the bridge?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">[LAUGHS] Parentg up a lot. Well, a way, you know, I thk tak more than two people, and sometim a lot more than two people, and that’s often my advice to people about their sex liv. That also would be my advice two people a sexually exclive relatnship who are attemptg to parent. It n’t jt be the two of you. You have to brg other people , other fay members, if they’re nearby, and if you’re gog to have kids and start a fay of your own, you need a work of chosen fay to help you do this, bee ’s so, so hard.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk that’s a good place to end. Always our fal qutn. What are the three books you’d remend to the dience?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I gave this so much thought. “The Ethil Slut,” by Dossie Easton and Ja Hardy. I’m sure, sce movg to San Francis, you’ve probably heard this book mentned, or seen on a shelf somewhere. It was published 25 years ago, and ’s sort of the Co of Hammurabi where ethil non-monogamy is ncerned.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">They should make that the blurb.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">[LAUGHS] I read “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” when I was a kid, and I’ve regretted a uple of tim but William Shirer, who wrote “Rise and Fall of the Third Reich,” he was a foreign rrponnt Berl the ‘30s. He worked wh Edward R. Murrow, and after the llapse of the Nazi regime, he wrote “Rise and Fall of the Third Reich,” wh accs to the Nazi archiv. It’s a fascatg book. But he also wrote somethg lled “Berl Diary,” which was published 1941, whout the benef of hdsight, which is diary entri as he’s wnsg the rise of fascism and totalarianism Germany, and I don’t thk I need to tell your dience why I thk that book is so relevant to this moment, and I recently reread , and ’s chillg.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And then one that I don’t thk people would expect om me is “A Royal Affair: Gee III and His Sndalo Siblgs,” by Stella Tillyard. Gee III, of urse, was the Kg of England durg the Amerin Revolutn. I love royal histori, royal bgraphi. I’m sort of a closet monarchist — except I’m always sayg to microphon I’m a closet monarchist, which I gus means I’m not a closet monarchist. [LAUGHS] But everyone’s always tryg to make, popular media, and films, and televisn a kd of proto-femist hero of Marie Antoette, which she jt is not. Gee III’s youngt sister, Carole Matilda, is that proto-femist hero, and Stella Tillyard wrote a group bgraphy about all of Gee III’s siblgs, but the foc is Carole Matilda, and she lived openly a polyamoro triad. She had a child by her hband the Kg of Denmark — she was the queen of Denmark — and a child by her lover, wore men’s clothg, went out ridg, and everythg the Amerin foundg fathers did, eedom of the prs, eedom of relign, banng cel and unual punishment, Carole Matilda did first as a teenage girl Denmark and Queen of Denmark the 1760s.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And that Amerins don’t know her — I’ve been tryg for a to make a TV show about Carole Matilda happen, whout much succs, but Stella Tillyard’s book is amazg, and if you like real bgraphi, even if you don’t, ’s such a tremendo read. In some ways, the tle is a ltle salac for the kd of origal source history that Stella Tillyard wrote about Carole Matilda and her siblgs. If you’re embarrassed by the tle, jt take the ver off the book but read the book.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I would fely watch that. So, Prtige drama producers who are listeng, and programmers, you know where to go. Go to Dan Savage. Dan, this has been such a pleasure. Thank you.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">dan savage</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Thank you. Thank you. It was a real honor.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">“The Ezra Kle Show” is produced by Emefa Agawu, Annie Galv, Jeff Geld, Roge Karma and Krist L. Fact-checkg by Michelle Harris, Mary Marge Locker and Kate Sclair. Origal mic by Isaac Jon. Mixg by Jeff Geld and Sonia Herrero. Audience strategy by Shannon Bta. The executive producer of New York Tim Opn Aud is Annie-Rose Strasser. And special thanks to Pat McCker.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd></dl></div></div></div></div><div style="posn:absolute;width:0;height:0;visibily:hidn;display:none"></div><hear class="css-1vwfk9f" data-breakpot=""><div style="width:100%" data-ttid="flt-layout"><div style="background-image:url()" class="css-197zlhc e1llfg0"><div class="css-1hmsypo e1llfg2"><div class="css-131hid3 e1llfg3"><div class="css-1uhi299 e1llfg1"></div><div class="css-1tloyb6"><div class="css-ah35qo ehra6vc0"><a href=" class="css-2ne0py"><span class="css-1f76qa2"><img alt="The Ezra Kle Show logo" src="><span>The Ezra Kle Show</span></span></a></div></div><div class="css-1r0dpua e1llfg4"><div class="css-wfiq9c edye5kn0"><div><h1 class="css-15oz550 edye5kn2">Dan Savage on Polyamory, Chosen Fay and Better Sex</h1><h2 class="css-syyj5g edye5kn3">The advice lumnist discs how datg, sex and relatnships have changed over the past 30 years — and where they should go next.</h2></div><span class="css-xpptmx edye5kn4"></span><button type="button" class="css-w62hzm" aria-haspopup="te" aria-label="Show Aud Transcript"><div class="css-1vd84sn"><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="20" viewBox="0 0 24 20" fill="#F8F8F8"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M0 0H24V20H0V0ZM3 7H21V9H3V7ZM21 11H3V13H21V11ZM3 15H21V17H3V15ZM11 3H3V5H11V3Z" fill="#F8F8F8"></path></svg><span class="css-16bt4xd">Transcript</span></div></button></div><div class="css-1g7y0i5 e1drnplw0"><button tabx="100" class="css-1rtlxy" type="button" aria-label="close"><svg width="60" height="60" viewBox="0 0 60 60" fill="none"><circle cx="30" cy="30" r="30" fill="whe" fill-opacy="0.9"></circle><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M38.4844 20.1006L39.8986 21.5148L21.5138 39.8996L20.0996 38.4854L38.4844 20.1006Z" fill="black"></path><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M21.5156 20.1006L20.1014 21.5148L38.4862 39.8996L39.9004 38.4854L21.5156 20.1006Z" fill="black"></path></svg></button><div class="css-rdbib0 e1drnplw1"></div><div class="css-18ow4sz e1drnplw2"><div aria-labelledby="modal-tle" role="regn"><hear class="css-1bzlfz"><div class="css-mln36k" id="modal-tle">transcript</div><button type="button" class="css-1igvuto"><div class="css-f40pzg"></div><span>Back to The Ezra Kle Show</span></button><div class="css-f6lhej" data-ttid="transcript-playback-ntrols"><div class="css-1ialerq"><button tabx="99" type="button" class="css-1t9gw" aria-label="play"><svg xmlns=" width="20" height="20" viewBox="0 0 20 20" fill="none"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M8 13.7683V6L14.5 9.88415L8 13.7683Z" fill="var(--lor-ntent-sendary,#363636)"></path><circle cx="10" cy="10" r="9.25" stroke="var(--lor-stroke-primary,#121212)" stroke-width="1.5"></circle></svg></button><div class="css-1701swk"><svg xmlns=" viewBox="0 0 40 36" id="el_0kpS9qL_S"><tle>bars

is ezra klein gay

Explore Ezra Kle's bgraphy, wiki, worth & salary 2023. Learn about his age, height, weight, datg, wife, girliend, kids and more. Is he gay?

Contents:

MEET BRANDON AMBROSO, HOMOPHOB' FAVORE GAY WRER AND VOX'S NEWT HIRE

People are cur to know about Ezra Kle’s Gay Rumors. Let go through the article to fd out more about . Ezra Kle is an Amerin journalist, * is ezra klein gay *

” But what’s so important about , I thk, is that Savage, his lumns and his podst, the “Savage Lovest, ” has been this ccial bridge between the gay, queer and straight muni, at a time when sexual and relatnal norms all of them are changg and cross-pollatg. And I’m gay, and one of the thgs that was unique about Savage Love, when I started wrg , was was sex advice for straight people wrten by a gay du, and I got a lot of angry letters the first uple of years om people projectg onto me, as a gay person, their ignorance of gay people as straight people. Like, they didn’t know anythg about gay people or gay relatnships, and they jt assumed I would know nothg about straight people and straight relatnships, as if my parents weren’t straight, as if my siblgs weren’t straight, as if I didn’t fake beg straight for a while, and didn’t make a very close study of what a straight person acted like, wanted, and did, an attempt to pass myself as straight.

EZRA KLE HIRED CONTRARIAN GAY WHOUT HAVG READ HIS WORK

* is ezra klein gay *

Gay people know what straight people are if there’s been any change the last 30 years that I thk is the most signifint is this great cultural cross-pollatn between gay life and straight life that really drove home that thgs we thought of as particular to gay muni, gay subcultur, gay life were not choic gay people were makg, and a lot of thgs that we associated wh straight people, straight life, were not choic that straight people were eely makg, and that, once people were more ee to make their own choic, a lot of gay people acted a lot more straight, and a lot of straight people began to act a lot more kleWe’ve been thkg, to pull back the curta on this a b, about dog a relatnships episo for a while, and what keeps trippg up is that most relatnship books are bad. And one of the reasons I was exced when we thought of havg on is that, one, I realized that a lot of jt the language people e around me now om you, om your lumn, om your rears — you know, “monogamish, ” and “GGG” — and all the thgs you’ve brought to the disurse, but beyond that, somethg that I thk you’ve had a huge fluence on is beg this bridge om gay and queer and kk culture to straight datg culture, a way that has actually ma — at least sce I moved to San Francis, I see much more — straight datg culture very different.

You know, I moved to datg and relatnships wh expectatns and wants that had been hand to me, and I was surprised by the numbers of gay upl I met who were wrg their own script and dog their own thg. And tertgly, they found, spe people’s assumptns, that gay male upl are the least likely to divorce; straight upl were more likely, lbian upl most likely. Correlatn a’t atn, but would seem that gay male upl are dog somethg right by diffg the bomb that explos so many straight and lbian relatnships, which is this sire for outsi sexual ntact, for tonomo sexual experienc, for the affirmatn of your sirabily by others whose job isn’t to affirm your sirabily, and that n redound to the benef of your mted relatnship, to your primary you look at this study, and you read , and you thk, well, maybe gay upl are dog somethg right here, and I thk, as more gay people have e out, and more straight people have gotten to the gay people that they knew, or gotten to know gay people who they didn’t know, they’ve seen that at work our relatnships.

VOX EDOR CHIEF DEFENDS HIRG OF 'HOMOPHOBIC' GAY WRER

Brandon Ambroso is a young gay ter person who stirs up ntroversy everywhere he pots his spoon. He tends to take a ntrarian posn on thgs that many LGBT dividuals and their alli hold self-evint. You aren&#39;t a homophobe if you are agast gay marriage (we need a new word, he says). People who lled out Duck Dynasty&#39;s Phil Robertson for sayg the same vile thgs about gays that people have been sayg sce gay bee a thg are the real bigots. S down, Ellen Page, you aren&#39;t so brave for g out. Beg gay is a choice. Jerry Falwell, founr of Ambroso&#39;s Liberty U alma mater, was actually a good guy. * is ezra klein gay *

And more straight people have at least entertaed the thought of there beg different possibili, which, a way, ironilly, is the stated fear of social nservativ om the ‘70s and ‘80s, when I was a kid — that gay people led the hedonistic liftyl, and straight people were gog to be tempted to adopt gay, hedonistic liftyl. So don’t surprise me that a lot of the books were wrten by women, and I thk the crique the books about a lot of what’s been sold to people as sex posivy is jt libratg the settgs so that they work for I’ve always thought Andrew Sullivan’s pot about, when you look at gay male sex culture vers lbian sex culture, sometim, that you n see some sort of sential difference between men and women. And men approach sex, straight men approach sex whout, I thk, an awarens of the implied vlence, the threat that a lot of women will say y to sex bee they don’t feel empowered to say no, and that n rult a lot of women havg sex that they didn’t enjoy, that left them feelg terrible, and the guy don’t even realize, right, bee he’s so thoughtls about , bee he hasn’t projected himself to the woman’s a gay man, as a man who has sex wh men, I thk I have some appreciatn for what ’s like to have sex wh men, and for what men are.

How do we ntrol for high-stat men churng through as many women as they n get, jt like high-stat gay men ed to be able to churn through a lot of male partners, and then how do we ntrol for low stat or low social skills? O who go to see the domatrix, right, the right-on femist woman who wants, durg sex wh a partner that she chose, and she feels safe and fortable wh, wants her hair pulled and wants to be lled a “slut, ” the gay guy, who’s out and proud, and is turned on durg sex, wh someone he chose, to have homophobic hate words hurled at him durg sex.

EZRA KLE DEFENDS HIRG ANTI-GAY APOLOGIST HE DIDN'T VET

Argug for 'iologil diversy,' Vox edor chief Ezra Kle says gay journalist Brandon Ambroso was the right choice for his publitn. * is ezra klein gay *

It’s so different to listen to people who are actually negotiatg everythg out and are ed to dog that that that was by far the biggt, like, revolutn what I realized was savageAnd I want to claim cred for that — not me personally, not bee of my lumn — gay kleI thk that’s right, savageI’ve always said, as a provotn myself, gay people have more sex, know more about sex, and are better at sex than straight people are, and then that mak straight people get fensive and reil, and then I tell them why that’s te. You know, I don’t want to say gay people are necsarily better at relatnships, but that study out of the Netherlands, other studi, have shown that gay men are often slower to m, but once they m, ls likely for the relatnship to end, and I thk ’s bee of those nversatns and bee of that kleBut I thk this is part of why there is so much unhapps right now for a lot of people, and I feel this, even.

Demisexual is someone who n’t experience sexual attractn the absence of some sort of emotnal nnectn, which scrib a lot of people, right, who aren’t gay or lbian or bi or trans, necsarily.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* IS EZRA KLEIN GAY

bars</tle><g id="el_oZ84Hna1GC_65hRV2Qwn" class="css-1fxvzwo" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_oZ84Hna1GC_ILVvi2tqx" class="css-1wnday1" ata-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_oZ84Hna1GC"><rect x="34" width="6" height="36" id="el_qw_T_tngXw"></rect></g></g></g><g id="el_mYVjkduhMU_p_9Pm85Ac" class="css-fwki7z" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_mYVjkduhMU_WxG3R40yd" class="css-t3i5e6" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_mYVjkduhMU"><rect x="22.67" width="6" height="36" id="el_lf9GrROk6j"></rect></g></g></g><g id="el_o-EuxhgoAw_kYNRGDfcw" class="css-t9te0w" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_o-EuxhgoAw_3c3bzSjOJ" class="css-1r5375t" ata-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_o-EuxhgoAw"><rect x="11.33" width="6" height="36" id="el_-iueO8klO0"></rect></g></g></g><g id="el_F7mSMPhqpC_y_fKcpSxn" class="css-qknaag" data-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="0"><g id="el_F7mSMPhqpC_R6bNB6_Ys" class="css-1vd04" ata-animator-group="te" data-animator-type="2"><g id="el_F7mSMPhqpC"><rect width="6" height="36" id="el_dS5TKNZZ5w"></rect></g></g></g></svg></div><div><div class="css-1t7yl1y">0:00<!-- -->/<!-- -->1:00:58</div><div class="css-og85jy">-<!-- -->1:00:58</div></div></div></div></hear><div class="css-uzyn7p"><div class="css-1vxyw"><p class="css-1nng8z9">transcript</p><h2 class="css-9wqu2x">Obama Explas How Ameri Went From ‘Y We Can’ to ‘MAGA’</h2><h4 class="css-qsd3hm">The former print also discs Joe Bin, aliens and three of his favore books.</h4><time dateTime="2021-06-01T09:00:13.000Z" class="css-1e605">2021-06-01T05:00:13-04:00</time></div><dl class="css-p98d0w"><dt class="css-xx7kwh"></dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m Ezra Kle, and this is “The Ezra Kle Show.”</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So preparatn for this episo, I have spent the last few weeks very ep the md of Barack Obama. I read the first volume of his printial memoirs, “A Promised Land.” But I’ve also been listeng to his podst and other terviews he’s given, and readg terviews he’s given.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And spendg a lot of time there, there were a few thgs I noticed that really beme the re of this nversatn and that I’ve actually jt been stgglg wh myself sce. The first is Obama’s many mdns. It’s almost pathologil how much he tri, his memoirs, to grant the pots of his crics and even the really unfair pots of some of his attackers, how much he doubts his own motivatns and righteons.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">There are tim when almost feels self-laceratg, like when you want to take him asi and say, look, you won the princy. You passed the Affordable Care Act. You don’t need to keep wonrg if you should have gotten to polics at all.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But that personal tenncy — or maybe ’s almost better scribed as a personal disciple, I me to thk really ntribut to somethg ep what ma his princy possible. Barack Hse Obama unrstood, his bon at that time, that the odds were not good that majory whe electorat the age of the War on Terror were gog to vote for him. And he didn’t approach that fact rentfully, as a flaw that other people need to fix their polics. He saw fortg their fears as his work to do, the work of his polics.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">He saw, also, avoidg the issu, and sometim even the tths that would awaken their spicns, as jt part of the job. And so you n see the book that he’s not jt tryg to nvce them to vote for him as he is. He’s also tryg to turn himself, through what he says, and then very importantly, what he don’t say to the kd of ndidate and even person they want to vote for.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">That’s an important difference. It’s subtle a way, but ’s important. And ’s a whole style of polics that I thk is really ntted now.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Anyway, so as you n hear this nversatn, for him, me wh a st, both psychic and eventually, some ways, polil. That is the paradox of his book, and of his reer, and to me his princy. He puts everythg to this project of persuasn, of tryg to nvce Ameri to do somethg has never done before. And he so profoundly succeeds and fails.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">His w, simultaneoly prov this polics he believ is possible, which was not obv then. And at the same time, his w and his princy beg rhapg the Republin Party to a much more direct anthis of that polics. It turns to somethg that more powerfully threatens his visn of Ameri.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Obama is this triumph of polil persuasn and promise. And then he also leav behd, certaly a ls persuadable Republin Party and a more actured and polarized polil system. And I’m not sayg that’s his flt. But is part of the whole thg, this really, I thk, difficult way that is shapg our polics now. That, to me, is a qutn his reer and his book sets up.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk a lot of people have more or ls given up on the kds of polics Obama pursued. On the right, of urse, that’s te wh Donald Tmp and everythg that he has ma the Republin Party to. But on the left, a different way, I do thk there’s a move towards a polics more of nontatn, of forcg people to face hard tths and sayg that, if you don’t see where history is gog, and you will not adm where our history has been, then you are the problem, that ’s our job to beat you not acmodate you.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And so when I sat wh Obama this week, I wanted to see how he reflected on both the succs and the failur of his approach to polics, how he held the ntradictns of his own reer together, and where he thought Democrats had somethg to learn om what he did right, and then also, om what he did wrong. And so that’s where we began. As always, my email is Here is Print Barack Obama.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So somethg I noticed aga and aga the book is this very particular approach to persuasn that you have. I thk the normal way most of thk about you’re wng an argument wh someone. And you seem to approach wh this first step of makg yourself a person the other person will feel able to listen to, which means sympathizg wh their argument, sandg off some of the edg of your own. Tell me a b about how you thk about that.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">No, that’s tertg. I fet whether was Clarence Darrow, or Abraham Lln, or some apocryphal figure the past who said, look, the bt way to w an argument is to first be able to make the other person’s argument better than they n. And for me, what that meant was that I had to unrstand their world view. And I uldn’t expect them to unrstand me if I wasn’t extendg myself to unrstand theirs.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Now, why that is the way I thk about thgs generally partly is temperament. Partly ’s bgraphil. As I’ve wrten not jt this recent book but past books, if you’re a kid whose parents are om Kansas and Kenya, and you’re born Hawaii, and you live Indonia, you are naturally havg to figure out, well, how did all the piec f together? How do all the perspectiv, cultur, bld spots, bias, how do you rencile them to approximate somethg te?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I thk that rri over to my adulthood, and to my polics, and how I approach the world generally. It prum that none of have a monopoly on tth. It adms doubt, terms of our own perspectiv.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But if you practice long enough, at least for me, actually allows you then to maybe not always persua others but at least have some solid ground that you n stand on, that you n wh nfince say, you know what? I know what I thk, and I know what I believe. It actually giv me more nvictn rather than ls if I listen to somebody else’s argument.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">One of the thgs that strik me about , though, is that you see the book sometim means not llg out arguments that I thk you thk are really wrong, the same way that you might normally. So a sectn about the Tea Party, you mull over whether the reactn they had to you was racist. And clear you thk , at least partly, was. And then you say quote, “whatever my stcts might tell me, whatever tth the history books might suggt, I knew I wasn’t gog to w over any voters by labelg my opponents racist.” How do you ci when the st of that kd of tth outweighs the value of ?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, now you’re scribg somethg a ltle b different, which is, how do you move large segments of the populatn polilly towards an oute you want, whether ’s universal health re, or let’s do somethg about climate change? Vers how I might persua somebody one on one, right? The premise of persuadg somebody who you n build some tst wh, and have a history wh and relatnship, then there might be tim where you say, you know what? You’re jt full of . And let me tell you why.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And you n be very logil and cisive about how you want to dismantle their arguments. Although I should add, by the way, do not try that at home. Bee that’s not a recipe for wng arguments wh Michelle.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But look, when you’re alg at the macro level, when you’re alg wh 300 ln people wh enormo regnal, and racial, and relig, and cultural differenc, then now you are havg to make some lculatns. So let’s take the example you ed. And I wre extensively about the emergence of the Tea Party. And we uld see that happeng wh Sarah Pal. She was sort of a prototype for the polics that led to the Tea Party, that turn, ultimately led to Donald Tmp, and that we’re still seeg today.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">There were tim where llg out would have given me great satisfactn personally. But wouldn’t have necsarily won the polil day terms of me gettg a bill passed. And I thk every print has to al wh this.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">It may have been more noticeable wh me, part bee, as the first Ain Amerin print, there was a prumptn, not rrect, that there were tim where I was bg my tongue. That’s why the sk that “Key and Peele” did wh the anger translator, Luther, was funny. Bee people assumed, you know Barack’s thkg somethg other than what he’s sayg certa circumstanc.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk that, a lot of tim, one of the ways I would measure would be: is more important for me to tell a basic historil tth, let’s say, about racism Ameri right now? Or is more important for me to get a bill passed that provis a lot of people wh health re that didn’t have before? And there’s a psychic st to not always jt tellg the tth, as I thk I scribe the book, g your prophetic voice as opposed to your aln buildg polil voice. And I thk there were tim where supporters of me would get trated if I wasn’t beg as forthright about certa thgs as I might otherwise be.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And then there are also jt stutnal nstrats that I thk every print has to follow on some of the issu. And was sort of on a se by se basis, where you try to make cisns. Sometim, you’d get sufficiently disappoted. Let’s say for example, wh gun safety issu after Newtown, for example, and Congrs’s plete unwillgns to do anythg about the slghter of children.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">There were tim, where I would jt go off. Bee I felt that eply about how wronghead we were a basic fundamental way. But that was, let’s face , after I had exhsted every other possibily of tryg to get Congrs to move on those issu.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I set up that kd of persuasn and pluralism tensn, bee somethg that really stck me about the book is how much liv paradox, how much ’s fortable wh the ia, that you’re fortable wh the ia that somethg and s oppose are te at the same time. And I thk of a polics of persuasn as beg the central paradox of your princy. So you acplished this massive act of persuasn, wng the princy twice, as a Black man wh the middle name Hse. And now that, retrospect, ’s like, oh yeah, of urse, Barack Obama was print.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, no. I thk ’s fair to say that wasn’t a given.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">It wasn’t as obv at the time.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But at the same time, your princy ma the Republin Party ls persuadable. It opened the door, certa ways, to Donald Tmp. And further closed the door on the kd of pluralistic polics that you try to practice. And I’m cur how you hold both of those out together.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Look, that’s been the history of Ameri. Right? There is aboln and the Civil War. And then there’s backlash and the rise of the KKK. And the Renstctn ends, and Jim Crow aris.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And then you have a civil rights movement, a morn civil rights movement and segregatn. And that, turn, leads to phback and, ultimately, Nixon’s Southern strategy. And what I take fort om is that the tradnal two steps forward, one step back, as long as you’re gettg the two steps, then the one step back is the price of dog bs.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">In my se, let’s say, I get elected. We have a spurt of activy that gets thgs done. Even after we lose Congrs, durg the urse of those eight years, we manage the ernment, rtore some sense of that n work on behalf of people.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">We rega credibily ternatnally, but you’re right. It unleash and helps to precipate a shift the Republin Party that was already there but probably accelerat . And we’re still playg out how this works to this day.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">On the other hand, durg that perd, you’ve got an entire generatn that’s growg up and takg for granted, as you jt scribed, that you’ve got a Black fay the Whe Hoe, takg for granted that that admistratn n be petent, and have tegry, and not be wrought wh sndal. And serv as a marker. It’s planted a flag om which then the next generatn builds.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And by the way, the next generatn n then look back and say, yeah, we do take that for granted. We n do a lot better than that and go even further. And that is, I wouldn’t say, an evable progrsn.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Sometim, the backlash n last a very long time, and you n take three steps back after two steps forward. But do seem to be the nature of thgs that any signifint movement of social progrs, particularly those aspects of social progrs that relate to inty, race, genr, all the stuff that is not jt dollars and cents and transactnal. That, variably, will release some energy on the other si by folks who feel threatened by change.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But one lson I’ve seen a lot of folks on the left take, I thk particularly the aftermath the Tmp years, is that there’s jt some re of this you n’t do through persuasn, that you n’t do through pluralism. And I thk some of the rise of shamg and social prsure, what I thk people ll ncel culture, ends up partly as a reactn to this. But also, jt some of the move towards a polics of, I would say, more nontatn, that there’s not a virtue lettg some thgs lie unsaid, to both the aln. That you really do have to nont the untry.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You really do have to nont others wh the uglit piec of . So that light n e , and n heal. And I’m cur if you thk they have a pot, or that’s the wrong lson to take.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">No. I don’t thk ’s — well, let’s take, sce we’re on the topic of race, what we saw after Gee Floyd’s murr was a eful b of tth tellg that young people led. And I thk, opened people’s ey to a renewed way of thkg about how plete the procs of reckong has been this untry when to race.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But even after, I thk, a shift perspective around Gee Floyd, we’re still back to the trench of how do we get different district attorneys elected? And how do we actually reform police partments? And now, we’re back the world of polics. And as soon as we get back to the world of polics, ’s a numbers game. And you have to persua, and you have to create alns.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So I don’t thk ’s an eher/or proposn. I thk there are tim, where there’s what we might scribe as a teachable moment. And Gee Floyd’s tragic ath was an example of that, very stark terms.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">In some ways on the enomic ont, part of what happens as a rult of the panmic is there’s a teachable moment about hey, maybe this whole fic hawk thg of the feral ernment jt beg nervo about our bt 30 years om now, while lns of people are sufferg, maybe that’s not a smart way to thk about our enomics. Aga, a teachable moment. So there are tim where, when that’s prented, I thk you try to drive home as much as possible and get a reorientatn of the body polic.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But at some pot, this untry, our mocracy, you still have to bble together majori to get thgs done. And that is particularly te at the feral level, where although renciliatn has now prented a narrow wdow to do some pretty big thgs, the filibter apparently, if do not get reformed, still means that maybe 30 percent of the populatn potentially ntrols the majory of Senate seats. So if you say that that 30 percent of the untry is irrencilably wrong, then ’s gog to be hard to ern.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">There’s a pretty fundamental asymmetry that brgs out. So I thk, at the printial level, you have about a three and a half pot advantage for Republins the electoral llege. At the Senate level, ’s now about five pots, and the Hoe level, ’s about two pots.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So you have this real difference now between the parti, where Democrats need to w right of center voters to w natnal power. But Republins do not need to w left of center voters to w natnal power. And that’s really changed the strategic picture for both of them.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">It’s enormo. And this is part of what I wre about the book. It’s one of those thgs that’s the background of folks Washgton and people who follow polics closely. But the average Amerin, unrstandably, isn’t spendg a lot of time thkg about Senate l, and gerrymanrg, and you know —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">How dare you?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[LAUGHTER]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m sorry, Ezra, but you’re on the nerd si of the spectm on this stuff, as am I. So people don’t unrstand, well, if the Democrats w the princy, or if they’re ntrol of the Senate, why aren’t all the thgs that they promised happeng? Or why are they trimmg their sails on sgle payer plan health re plans, or what have you?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And the answer is, well, the game is tilted a way that partly aris out of very tentnal sire for Southern stat, for example, to mata power and rce the power of the feral ernment. Some of has to do wh mographic patterns and where populatn’s distributed that ’s not surprisg that the progrsive party, the Democratic party, is more of an urban party. Bee, by necsy, you got more different kds of people, immigrants floodg urban areas and settlg, and havg a different perspective than folks who are more ral, more homogeneo areas. And once you get Wyomg havg the same number of senators as California, you’ve got a problem. That do mean Democratic polics is gog to be different than Republin polics.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Now, look, the good news is I also thk that has ma the Democratic Party more empathetic, more thoughtful, wiser. By necsy we have to thk about a broar array of terts and people. And that’s my visn for how Ameri ultimately works bt and perfects s unn.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">We don’t have the luxury of jt nsigng a group of people to say, you’re not real Amerins. We n’t do that. But do make our job harr, when to jt tryg to get a bill passed or tryg to w an electn.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">One of the ways this has reoriented, even jt sce your princy, is around tn. So for reasons that are plited to expla here, when tnal polarizatn be bigger, the Democratic disadvantage the electoral llege gets a lot worse.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Right.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But you did somethg unual 2008 and 2012. And you bucked a kd of ternatnal trend here, and tnal polarizatn went down. In 2012, you won non-llege wh makg ls than $27,000 a year.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But Donald Tmp then ws them by more than 20 pots 2016. He keeps them 2020. So what advice do you have to Democrats to brg tnal polarizatn back down?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I actually thk Joe Bin’s got good stcts on this. And the current admistratn’s pursug polici that speak to the ncerns and terts of folks who, if you’re 45 and workg a blue llar job, and somebody is lecturg you about beg a puter programmer, that feels abstract. That feels like somethg got sp out of some thk tank, as opposed to how my real life is lived.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I thk, when you start talkg about mimum wag, and when you start talkg about unn power, you are not soft pedalg social issu. I mean, the tertg thg is people knew I was left on issu like race, or genr equaly, and LGBTQ issu, and so forth. But I thk, maybe the reason I was succsful mpaigng downstate Illois, or Iowa, or plac like that is they never felt as if I was nmng them for not havg gotten to the polilly rrect answer quick enough. Or that somehow they were morally spect, bee they had grown up wh and believed more tradnal valu.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I thk Joe has that same pacy, partly bee of his bgraphy and where he om. The challenge I have, and I know you’ve wrten about this, is when I started nng 2007, 2008, was still possible for me to go to a small town, a disproportnately whe nservative town ral Ameri, and get a fair hearg. Bee people jt they hadn’t heard of me.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Now, they might say, what kd of name is that? And they might look at me and have a set of assumptns. But the filter jt wasn’t that thick. Bee rather than gettg all their news om Fox News or Rh Limbgh, they were — the way I’d scribe , the prototypil that I show up a small town Southern Illois, which is closer to the South than is to Chigo, both culturally as well as geographilly. And ually, the lol paper was owned by a mostly nservative, maybe even que nservative ually guy.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">He’d ll me . We’d have a cup of ffee. We’d have a nversatn about tax policy, or tra, or whatever else he red about. Or he might have a small edorial board of two or three wrers.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And at the end of , ually, I uld expect some sort of story the paper sayg, well, we met wh Obama. He seems like an telligent young man. We don’t agree wh him on much. He’s kd of liberal for our taste but had some tertg ias, and that was .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And so then I uld go to the fish y, or the VFW hall, or all the other venu and jt talk to people and have a nversatn. And they didn’t have any prenceptns about what I believe. They uld jt take me at face value. If I went to those same plac now, or if any Democrat who’s mpaigng go those plac now, almost all news is om eher Fox News, Sclair’s news statns, talk rad, or some Facebook page. And tryg to perate that is really difficult.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And ’s not that the people the muni have changed. It’s that if that’s what you are beg fed day day out, then you’re gog to e to every nversatn wh a certa set of predisposns that are really hard to break through. And that is one of the biggt challeng I thk we face. Bee at the end of the day, I actually have found that, and this still sounds naive, I thk a lot of people would still qutn this. But I’ve seen .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Most folks actually are persuadable the sense of they kd of want the same thgs. They want a good job. They want to be able to support a fay. They want safe neighborhoods.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And even on historilly difficult issu like race, people aren’t gog around thkg, man, how n we do terrible thgs to people who don’t look like ? That’s not people’s perspective. What they are ncerned about is not beg taken advantage of, or is their way of life and tradns slippg away om them? Or is their stat beg unrmed by chang society?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And if you have a nversatn wh folks, you n ually assuage those fears. But they have to be able to hear you. And you have to be able to get to the room.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I still uld do that back 2007, 2008. I thk Joe, by virtue of bgraphy and generatnally, I thk he n still reach some of those folks. But starts gettg harr, particularly for newers who are g up.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We had a nversatn 2015 about polarizatn.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And how had gone up durg your princy, and somethg you said to me is somethg I wrtled a lot wh my own book, which is that, look, people are pretty polarized when you start talkg about natnal polics. But then you talk to them a b more, and they’re soccer ach. They go to church.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">They got a bs. Their iend down the street don’t thk like them or don’t look like them. And I found that persuasive at the time and hopeful at the time. And one of the thgs —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Thgs changed.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I began to thk sce is polics has bee that much more natnalized. Our polil inti bee that much stronger. And this ia that the other inti are eper seems ls and ls te. That like, when the polil cue , you really know what si you’re on. Do you thk Amerins have jt bee ls persuadable?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">What you jt intified, part bee of the media astcture I scribed, and the silog of media, part bee of, then, the Tmp princy and the way both sis went to their rpective fortrs, absolutely. I thk ’s real. I thk ’s worse.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I’m not the origal this. I thk pollg shows . Anecdote shows . Thanksgivg be a lot more difficult. What we’re seeg right now, wh rpect to vacc.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">I mean, I thk ’s fair to say that the difference how Gee H. W. Bh, Bill Clton, Gee W. Bh, Obama admistratn would’ve approached the basic issue of a panmic and vacc, there might be differenc terms of efficy, or how well programs were n, et cetera. But ’s hard to image a prev Republin admistratn pletely ignorg science. Right?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah. I thought a lot about if this were send term Mt Romney. How would that have gone?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, exactly. And so that is a fundamental shift. And I thk people’s inti have bee far more vted as a rult which si are you on polilly? It spills over to everyday life and even small issu, what prevly were not nsired even polil issu.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And so if you’re a soccer ach now, there might be a nversatn about, why are all the refs whe? Sudnly, there’s a long argument. And you’ve got each si immediately tweetg about . And be ght wh all sorts of polil stuff.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And then Fox News might grab the story and n wh the most sensatnal way. And next thg you know, Joe Bin’s beg asked about a soccer game Maryland. And we see that pattern playg self out our daily liv a way that’s unhealthy.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Some people have remarked, and I thk there’s some mer to this, that the cle of other mediatg stutns that provid a sense of place and who we are, whether was the church, or unn, or neighborhood, those ed to be part of a multiple set of buildg blocks to how we thought about ourselv. And the way the natnal nversatn evolv, sudnly, there’s a right answer across all those l, which is part of the reason why you don’t get ticket spltg the days. Beg a morate Republin, and I wre about this “Promised Land,” you uld see happeng even when I first me . What was strikg was the gree to which the nservative Democrat, or the pro-choice Republin, they were gettg wnowed out of each rpective party.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And what’s tertg is how filtered. Rather than the public sayg, we don’t like that. Let’s try somethg else. In some ways, the public’s e to see themselv dividually those terms as well.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, also, the choic get starker for them. Somethg I was thkg about while you were talkg was this ia that I thk about sometim that I ll richet polarizatn. And I’m not assertg symmetry between two sis. I don’t want to —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Good.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Get flack on that.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, well. I would jump on you a send. Don’t worry.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But there’s a dynamic here. You were sayg a uple of mut ago that you thought people knew you were pretty left on social issu, on LGBTQ issu, on a bunch of issu. But they thought you rpected them.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But you, also, bee ’s eher what you believed, or also bee, and the Democratic Party broadly, thought folks who are movable. You were rtraed on a lot of the issu. You ran 2008, and you were opposed to gay marriage. I’m not sayg that wasn’t te to you, but publicly, that was the posn.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You talk the book about how Axelrod and Plouffe were very reful about avoidg issu that would exacerbate racial nflict. And you guys foced a lot on enomics. But then as people feel that stuff not workg as the other — they see the worst of the outsi g at them. There’s a dynamic that happens.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I see among Democrats too, where ’s like, well, you know what? Then here’s what I really believe. And here’s what I really believe about you. And the parti bee a ltle more each day ls rtraed, bee the benefs of rtrat seem lower. Like, if they’re still gog to say I’m a socialist, then, well, maybe I am a socialist.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">They’re still gog to say I want to raise tax on middle class people, then, maybe I do, actually.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">As you said though, is — first of all, and you already offered this veat. But I want to reemphasize ’s not symmetril. Bee Joe Manch’s still a Democrat our party.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I thk a lot of people look and say, the guy’s got to n Wt Virgia, a state that Joe Bin lost by 30 percent. And we unrstand that his polics are not gog to be the same as Nancy Pelosi’s. So jt by virtue of the fact that we have to earn vot om a lot of different plac means —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Meetg center right voters.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And meetg center right voters means that, look, the challenge we have is that the other si jt did not functn that way. And that’s not bee there aren’t people the Republin Party who thought that way. You mentned Mt Romney earlier. Well, Mt Romney was the ernor of Massachetts. And when he was, he ma all kds of sensible promis.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">He didn’t approach thgs the way I would approach thgs. But there was some sense of, listen, what the other si thks matters. He’s the ernor of a Democratic state. I’ve got to regnize that I’m probably more nservative than most people this state, which means I have to make some acmodatns. But as soon as he started nng for the princy, sudnly, he’s got to pretend that he’s this hard right gun totg varmt killg guy.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Severely nservative.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Severely nservative. Well, why is that? It’s bee a dynamic has been created. And that dynamic, part, has to do wh public officials beg lazy and jt sayg, look, this is the easit way for to get our folks riled up is to suggt that Obama is a Mlim socialist who’s gog to take away your guns.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But some of is a media astcture that persuad a large portn of that base that they had somethg to fear and fed on that fear and rentment, that polics of fear rentment, a way that, ironilly, end up beg a strajacket for the Republin officials themselv. And some of them got gobbled up by the monster that had been created and sudnly found themselv retirg. And they uldn’t functn, bee they weren’t angry or rentful enough for the base they had stoked.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk ’s fair to say, the book, you’re cril of the media at pots. How much do you feel the media reflects polics? And how much do you feel shap polics?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, look, there are certa bad habs that the media cultivated and had to, then, reexame durg the Tmp era. The classic beg the what nstut objectivy? as I joke about. Print Obama, today, was savagely attacked by the Republins for suggtg that the earth is round. Republins suggted that there’s some hidn documents showg the earth is, fact, flat.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">In rponse, Obama said, well — and then go on. But ’s prented as if he said, they said, and that’s reportg. And you’d have some vague rner of the prs room engaged fact checkg after the fact. But that’s not what appeared on the nightly news.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And tght somebody like a Mch McConnell that there is no downsi for misstatg facts, makg stuff up, engagg out and out obstctn, reversg posns that you held jt a few mut ago. Bee now, ’s polilly expedient to do so. That never reached the public a way where the public uld make a judgment about who’s actg rponsibly and who isn’t.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And that, I thk, was not driven by the polics of the moment. I mean, I thk that the media was plic creatg that dynamic a way that is difficult. Bee as we disvered durg the Tmp admistratn, if an admistratn is jt misstatg facts all the time, starts lookg like, gosh, the media’s anti-Tmp. And this be more evince of a left wg nspiracy, and liberal el tryg to gang up on the guy.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah. There’s the objectivy crique, which is there. And I actually thk many ways, the media got better at.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But there’s another one laced through. And ’s tertg, bee I thk you both benefed om and then bee wary of , which is that, I will say, the media, one of our central bias is towards excg ndidat. You were an excg ndidate 2008, but later on, that’s also somethg that Donald Tmp activat —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Y.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">In a different way. You have a big set piece at the Whe Hoe Corrponnts Dner, where “The Washgton Post” v Donald Tmp after a year of birtherism to s at their table.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">That’s how my book ends.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I don’t want to spoil the endg. People may not know that happened.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But even a broar sense, excg ndidat are ually, one, they shape perceptns of parti. But two, on the right, they tend to be que extreme. They fely tend to be both directns, eher more liberal or more nservative. But part of the dynamic, I thk, you’re talkg about — and then the media is prsured by social media, where —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, very much so now.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">You look out there, and you look around, like who’s up there on Facebook and on Redd. And nflict sells.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And that’s a way which I thk the perceptns of the parti are changg for people. Bee whoever is chair of the Hoe Ways and Means Commtee —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Who’s nsired the voice of the party?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Exactly. Who be the voice? How do you reflect on that?</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You me up. Social media is great for you. It seems to me you’ve got some different views on now. How do you thk about that tra off between excement and then some of the other quali that are a ltle b more nuanced that you worry people are losg sight of?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah. Look, I thk is entirely fair, and you’re right. Even durg my mpaign, I got wary of . What my polil advisor, David nsultant lled — David Axelrod lled the —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I like David nsultant though.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah, David nsultant, right. Generic. What Axelrod lled the Obama in. You got the posters. And you got the crowds and very much foced on me as this et burstg onto the scene.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But I have to tell you that there’s a difference between the issue of excement, charisma, vers rewardg people for sayg the most outrageo thgs. I don’t thk anybody would acce me of havg trafficked jt poppg off and creatg ntroversy jt for the sake of . The excement I brought was tryg to tell a story about Ameri, where we might all start workg together and overe some of our tragic past, and move forward, and build a broar sense of muny. And turns out that those virtu actually did exce people.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So I don’t agree that that’s the only way that you n get people to read newspapers or click on a se. It requir more imagatn and maybe more effort. And requir some rtrat to not feed the outrage, flammatory approach to polics. And I thk that folks didn’t do .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And look, as I note towards the end of the book, the birther thg, which was jt a taste of thgs to e, started the right wg media esystem. But a whole bunch of mastream folks, who later got very exercised about Donald Tmp, they booked him all the time. Bee he boosted ratgs. But that wasn’t somethg that was pelled.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">It was nvenient for them to do. Bee was a lot easier to book Donald Tmp to let him claim that I wasn’t born this untry than was to how do I actually create an tertg story that people will want to watch about e equaly. That’s a harr thg to e up wh.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Let me get at that piece of too. So I vered the Affordable Care Act pretty closely. I thk ’s fair to say, and I’ve thought a lot about s polil afterlife. It survived the Republin attempts to gut . It did bee popular.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thought was gog to happen a ltle b quicker, but didn’t —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, that’s sentially what I want to get at here, which is that, at the same time, the thg that is strikg to me is didn’t nvert many voters over to the Democratic si, cludg Republin voters. Sarah Kliff did great piece on this at Vox at one pot, cludg Republin voters who relied on who would have lost if the folks they were votg for got their way. Do you thk, given how tense polil inti are now, that policy n persua people to vote differently? Or is partisanship now almost immune to the material nsequenc of ernance?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I thk, over time, do. I thk ’s not as immediate. And look, I thk ’s important to remember that, when we me to office, the enomy was a eefall. We had to scramble and do a bunch of stuff, some of which was hered, some of which we iated to stabilize the fancial system.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">People hated . I scribe the book, ’s hard to unrsre how much the bank bailouts jt angered everyone, cludg me. And then you have this long, slow revery. And although the enomy revers technilly quickly, ’s another five years before we’re really back to people feelg like OK, the enomy is movg and workg for me.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And the tth is that if Donald Tmp don’t get elected, let’s say, a Joe Bin or the person who was nng, Hillary Clton, had immediately succeed me, and the enomy sudnly has three percent unemployment, I thk we would have nsolidated the sense that, oh, actually, the polici that Obama put place worked. The fact that Tmp terpts, sentially, the ntuatn of our polici but still benefs om the enomic stabily and growth that we had iated means people aren’t sure. Well, gosh, unemployment’s three and a half percent unr Donald Tmp.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Now, I would argue, and I thk a lot of enomists that you know and I know would suggt that, mostly, that had nothg to do wh Donald Tmp’s polici. And mostly had to do wh we had put the enomy on a footg, where he sentially jt ntued the longt peacetime revery Amerin history and staed job growth Amerin history. But if you’re the average voter, you’re thkg, well, looks like Republin polici are workg for me to some gree, which probably explas why Tmp was able to make some roads, most, overstated but real roads among non-whe voters feelg like, you know what? I’m workg and makg cent money, and thgs feel pretty good.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So that clouds what I thk would have been a more impactful shift polil views towards Democrats as a rult of my princy. And I thk that what we’re seeg now is Joe Bin and the admistratn are sentially fishg the job, and I thk ’ll be an tertg tt. 90 percent of the folks who are there were there my admistratn. They are ntug and buildg on the polici we talked about, whether ’s the Affordable Care Act, or our climate change agenda, and the Paris Peace Acrds, and figurg out how do we improve the ladrs to mobily through thgs like muny lleg.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And if, as I thk they will be, they’re succsful over the next four years, I thk that will have an impact. Do overri the inty polics that has e to domate Twter and the media, and that has seeped to how people thk about polics? Probably not pletely, but at the margs, look, if you’re changg five percent of the electorate, that mak a difference.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Most importantly, I thk do have an impact for young people as they are formg their ias about polics and who they are. And I was both a maniftatn of the more progrsive views that young people brought to polics 2008, and 2009, 2010. And I thk my princy helped to solidify a huge tilt the directn of progrsive polics among young people that is now ntug to their 30s. As lennials and even the Gen Z-ers are startg to marry and have fai, that their polil inty has been shaped and changed pretty signifint ways.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">One thg that you’re more optimistic than me on the book is that better polil munitn n really change the way people receive policy. And I thk more about how uld you do policy sign, so the policy self uld speak more clearly?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I actually thk we agree on that. You hear the book arguments that we would have about — there’d be a bunch of bad reportg around the enomy. And I’d get on gmpy, and I’d ll my advisors. I’d say, I need to do more prs nferenc. Or I need to give another speech.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And they actually were pretty clear to me. They’re all like, look, as long as unemployment still at ne percent, don’t matter how many speech you give. It’s not gog to change thgs.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">On the other hand, I ed an example, which I thk rerc your pot, and a pot I know you ma your book, which was when people ask me what would I do differently, a lot of tim, I’ll give broad generalizatns. Bee I don’t want to get too ep the weeds. But you’ll appreciate this, beg a policy nerd, the Makg Work Pay tax cut that was part of our stimul, where Larry Summers talks me to the ia that we should spread out the tax cut people’s weekly paychecks the drip, drip, drip fashn. Bee the social science shows that they’re more likely to spend .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But if they get a big lump sum, then they might jt pay down bt. And we need more stimul. And I thought, well, that mak sense. But of urse, as a rult, nobody thought I’d cut tax.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Everybody was nfint that I had raised their tax, even Democrats thought I had, to pay for all the other stuff I was dog like health re. And that’s an example of a policy sign where we were too stubborn I thk ially around, yeah, we’ll jt get the policy right, and the polics will take re of self. And I should have done a eper dive to FDR regnizg that you know what? You’ve got to sell the sizzle as well as the steak. Bee that creat the polil aln to ntue . The New Deal had all kds of polici that actually didn’t work as well as they should have. We get polil phras like pork barrel and logrollg. A lot of that out of the mismanagement of the feral programs, but you know what? People saw , and they felt . And they associated their liv gettg better or some ncrete help wh those polici, and that’s important.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And I thk a fair crique of , when I look back, is the fact that I was, sometim, too stubborn about, no, we’re gog to jt play straight. And let’s not worry about how the policy sells. If works, then that’s what we should do.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Are there other sign ias that you would advise people to take serly? I thk a lot about, and I realize some of the technil reasons has happened, but how the Affordable Care Act took four years to beg liverg the bulk of health surance benefs.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">It’s a good example. And so, look, I thk that there’s no doubt that the team that is now the Bin admistratn and thkg about, whether ’s the Covid stimul package, or how do you build off the Affordable Care Act, they’re mdful of the lsons. And they’re sayg to themselv, all right. We’ve got to sell this.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">So on health re particular: how do we make this simple and stupid? So that ’s easily explaed. It’s easily unrstood. The expansn of Mediid, for example, was probably the part of the Affordable Care Act that had the biggt impact, quickly, easy to admister, didn’t have a lot of movg parts. Bee was buildg off an existg program.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And look, there are tim where is important, fact, to go ahead and plant some seeds, even if don’t yield quick polil benefs. I e the example our stimul of the $90 billn we vted the green enomy. Polilly, that wasn’t a wner for .</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">We knew that we were gog to get some Solyndras, for example, the famo example that the Republins beat over the head wh, where we’d given a loan to a solar pany that go belly up. But the tth is that the reason now we’re seeg such enormo breakthroughs terms of everythg om electric rs, to solar efficiency, to wd power — all those thgs that we n now build on pursu of future climate policy — a lot of that relied on those programs we started that didn’t have a lot of polil benef.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Part of what I try to make clear the book is, and sometim my iends the Democratic Party who cricize on the left misapprehend this ia that we had some iologil aversn to phg the envelope on policy. That’s not the se. We had jt polil nstrats we had to al wh, and we had an emergency we had to al wh. But one thg I was pretty clear about early on, and I showed that wh the Affordable Care Act, was, given we were a hole enomilly anyway, there was no pot tryg to go small bore.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">Bill Clton was able, his send term, to polilly go small. Bee the enomy was hummg and people were feelg good. We were alg wh what, at that pot, was the worst recsn sce the Great Deprsn. Polilly, we were gog to get clobbered the midterms. It really didn’t matter what we did.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And so we jt tried to do as much as we uld wh the polil nstrats that we had. And I thk that the environment now is such, partly bee Republins spent $2 trilln of their own stimul, and shockgly, weren’t ncerned when they were power about fics, partly bee of the urgency of Covid and the panmic and people regnizg they jt need immediate relief and help now, I thk we’re now an environment, where if we jt get some big piec place buildg on what we did before, people will notice. And will have a polil impact.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">It don’t overri all the ep, subterranean polil dynamics of our culture, race obvly, beg at the top of that list, but changg genr rol, and those who still are engaged anized relign feelg attacked by an atheist culture. And those are thgs that are ep. They’ve always been here.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">They’re not gog away anytime soon. But I gus what I am still nfint about is: if we n get some stuff done that works, and we give people the benef of the doubt, and we ntue to reach out, as opposed to yell, that we get better out rather than worse out. And ’s not gog to solve all our problems.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">I hard you say the other day that you’d like to know what those UFO objects are too.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Absolutely.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">If me out that they were alien, if we got unniable proof of that, how would that change your polics, or your theory about where humany should be gog?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">That is an tertg qutn.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Thank you.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, first of all, pends on if we — have we ma ntact wh them?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">No, jt dron. They jt —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We jt know that —</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We jt know they’re om afar.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">The prob have been sent.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Yeah.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">But we have no way of reachg out to them.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">We n’t get touch. We jt know we’re not alone, and somethg’s been here.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">It’s tertg. It wouldn’t change my polics at all. Bee my entire polics is premised on the fact that we are the ty anisms on this ltle speck floatg the middle of space. The analogy I always ed to e when we were gog through tough polil tim, and I’d try to cheer my staff up, then I’d tell them a statistic that John Holdren, my science advisor, told me, which was that there are more stars the known universe than there are gras of sand on the pla Earth.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Your staff mt have loved that.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, sometim cheered them up. Sometim they’d jt roll their ey and say, oh, there he go aga. But the pot is, I gus, that my polics has always been premised on the notn that the differenc we have on this pla are real. They’re profound, and they e enormo tragedy as well as joy. But we’re jt a bunch of humans wh doubts and nfn.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">We do the bt we n. And the bt thg we n do is treat each other better, bee we’re all we got. And I would hope that the knowledge that there were aliens out there would solidify people’s sense that what we have mon is a ltle more important.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">But no doubt, there would be immediate arguments about, well, we need to spend a lot more money on weapons systems to fend ourselv. And new religns would pop up, and who knows what kd of arguments we’d get to. We’re good at manufacturg arguments for each other.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Here’s another long view qutn. What are we dog now, humany, that we’ll be judged for most harshly 100 years?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Well, if we don’t get a handle on climate change, then if there’s anybody around to judge , they’ll judge pretty harshly on . Bee the data’s here. We know . One thg that I thk maybe the panmic has done is to start gettg people to thk sle.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">You n actually put a dollar figure to what would take to transn to a clean enomy. It’s the trillns of dollars a year globally. But when you thk about how much was spent and how much was lost one year, as a rult of the panmic, sudnly, makg vtments, obvly, public health systems immediately says, oh, that’s a pretty good vtment. Siarly, maybe opens up people’s imagatns to say, we n actually afford to make this transn. There are some sacrific volved, but we n do .</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">And then fally, what are three books you’d remend to the dience?</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Three books, a book I jt read, “The Overstory” by Richard Powers, ’s about tre and the relatnship of humans to tre. And ’s not somethg I would have immediately thought of, but a iend gave to me. And I started readg , and changed how I thought about the earth. And changed how I see thgs, and that’s always, for me, a mark of a book worth readg.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">“Memorial Drive” by Natasha Trethewey, ’s a memoir, jt a tragic story. Her mother’s former hband, or her former stepfather, murrs her mother. And ’s a medatn on race, and class, and grief, upliftg surprisgly, at the end of but jt wrenchg.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">And then this one is easier to remember. I actually ught up on some past readgs of Mark Twa. There’s somethg about Twa that I wanted to revis, bee he speaks a ltle b of — he’s that most sential of Amerin wrers. And there’s his satiric eye and his actual outrage that sometim gets buried unr the edy I thought was eful to revis.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Print Barack Obama, thank you very much.</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">barack obama</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">Great to talk to you. Thank you, Ezra.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd><dt class="css-xx7kwh">ezra kle</dt><dd class="css-4gvq6l"><p class="css-8hvvyd">“The Ezra Kle Show” is a productn of New York Tim Opn. It is produced by Jeff Geld, Roge Karma, and Annie Galv, fact checkg by Michelle Harris, origal mic by Isaac Jon, and mixg by Jeff Geld.</p><p class="css-8hvvyd">[MUSIC PLAYING]</p></dd></dl></div></div></div></div><div style="posn:absolute;width:0;height:0;visibily:hidn;display:none"></div><hear class="css-1vwfk9f" data-breakpot=""><div style="width:100%" data-ttid="flt-layout"><div style="background-image:url()" class="css-197zlhc e1llfg0"><div class="css-1hmsypo e1llfg2"><div class="css-131hid3 e1llfg3"><div class="css-1uhi299 e1llfg1"></div><div class="css-1tloyb6"><div class="css-ah35qo ehra6vc0"><a href=" class="css-2ne0py"><span class="css-1f76qa2"><img alt="The Ezra Kle Show logo" src="><span>The Ezra Kle Show</span></span></a></div></div><div class="css-1r0dpua e1llfg4"><div class="css-wfiq9c edye5kn0"><div><h1 class="css-15oz550 edye5kn2">Obama Explas How Ameri Went From ‘Y We Can’ to ‘MAGA’</h1><h2 class="css-syyj5g edye5kn3">The former print also discs Joe Bin, aliens and three of his favore books.</h2></div><span class="css-xpptmx edye5kn4"></span><button type="button" class="css-w62hzm" aria-haspopup="te" aria-label="Show Aud Transcript"><div class="css-1vd84sn"><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="20" viewBox="0 0 24 20" fill="#F8F8F8"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M0 0H24V20H0V0ZM3 7H21V9H3V7ZM21 11H3V13H21V11ZM3 15H21V17H3V15ZM11 3H3V5H11V3Z" fill="#F8F8F8"></path></svg><span class="css-16bt4xd">Transcript</span></div></button></div><div class="css-1g7y0i5 e1drnplw0"><button tabx="100" class="css-1rtlxy" type="button" aria-label="close"><svg width="60" height="60" viewBox="0 0 60 60" fill="none"><circle cx="30" cy="30" r="30" fill="whe" fill-opacy="0.9"></circle><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M38.4844 20.1006L39.8986 21.5148L21.5138 39.8996L20.0996 38.4854L38.4844 20.1006Z" fill="black"></path><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M21.5156 20.1006L20.1014 21.5148L38.4862 39.8996L39.9004 38.4854L21.5156 20.1006Z" fill="black"></path></svg></button><div class="css-rdbib0 e1drnplw1"></div><div class="css-18ow4sz e1drnplw2"><div aria-labelledby="modal-tle" role="regn"><hear class="css-1bzlfz"><div class="css-mln36k" id="modal-tle">transcript</div><button type="button" class="css-1igvuto"><div class="css-f40pzg"></div><span>Back to The Ezra Kle Show</span></button><div class="css-f6lhej" data-ttid="transcript-playback-ntrols"><div class="css-1ialerq"><button tabx="99" type="button" class="css-1t9gw" aria-label="play"><svg xmlns=" width="20" height="20" viewBox="0 0 20 20" fill="none"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M8 13.7683V6L14.5 9.88415L8 13.7683Z" fill="var(--lor-ntent-sendary,#363636)"></path><circle cx="10" cy="10" r="9.25" stroke="var(--lor-stroke-primary,#121212)" stroke-width="1.5"></circle></svg></button><div class="css-1701swk"><svg xmlns=" viewBox="0 0 40 36" id="el_0kpS9qL_S"><tle>bars .

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