When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• 13 FAMO WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN WHOUT KNOWG
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• SO MANY PEOPLE GET HURT WHEN THE CHURCH REF TO ACKNOWLEDGE MEN AND WOMEN ARE GAY.
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• I WAS MARRIED WH 2 KIDS WHEN I REALIZED I’M GAY
• WOMEN GOT ‘MARRIED’ LONG BEFORE GAY MARRIAGE

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men. And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. 2Judy GarlandAmy Award wner Judy Garland was one of several women director Vcente Mnelli married … while he allegedly rried himself like an openly gay man New York Cy but remaed the closet Los Angel. 8Carolyn MoosFormer llege and women’s profsnal basketball player Carolyn Moos almost married her fiance, Jason Colls, until he me out as gay 2012 while they were still engaged; Moos says she was cshed by the revelatn.

13 FAMO WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN WHOUT KNOWG

9Jackee HarryJackee Harry of Sister, Sister fame and her hband om 1996-2003, Elg Charl, who later me out as gay, had a short-lived realy show Beverly Hills Fabulo, about his hair salon; they stayed close and she even appeared on the program10Charlotte RaeDiff’rent Strok st member Charlotte Rae divorced her hband, John Strss, after he me out as gay 1976. I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

” Jim, now 62, ns a group Boston lled GAMMA – the Gay and Married Men’s Associatn – one of many siar groups which meet ci around the a month they gather for two hours to share stori. In Boston, Jim says he’s seen men outed after beg arrted cisg at gay bears, or outed by private vtigators hired by their those who are still the closet, n be paful, terrifyg, and exhstg.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

He knew he had been attracted to men adolcence, but was somethg he tried not to thk was the mid-70s, but spe the sexual revolutn happeng around him, he says homosexualy jt wasn’t somethg you thought loved his wife.

“Some guys believe that beg gay has lerally jt happened then, but then you dig a ltle eper and you often fd out that they’ve had [those feelgs] sce childhood, ” he both Sydney and Boston, the average age of men who e to group meetgs has been fallg. “A lot of the younger people we see knew they were gay and realised but wanted to have the tradnal fay and kids and thought they uld ratnalise , or told themselv they were bi, ” Jim says. ”Rippg off the band-aidJim says didn’t que click for him that he was gay until he was his early 30s and accintally stumbled upon a gay beat a public bathroom.

Weed is a practicg Mormon and the Church’s current stance on the topic of homosexualy n be summed up like so: “The attractn self is not a s, but actg on is. But there are plenty of SSA men who believe that homosexual behavrs are a relig s -- and, as the recent amic brief shows, some are willg to go so far as to policize their inty orr to fight equal rights for gays.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

"In some ways, a very relig, exclively gay man married to an asexual woman, they n have a very nice iendship, a very wonrful relatnship many ways, and wouldn't be a fay therapist's dream, but would be fe for them. Among those who experienced ‘the wrath of God’ were, the Bible warned, people who were gay, greedy, env, liars, gossips, slanrers, disobedient to their parents, unlovg and unmerciful (Romans 1).

In the many evangelism urs I attend, we were told to emphasise our own s, as if this would make more palatable when we told homosexual people that they were gog to burn hell for eterny unls they repented. Edutn was srned: our mister boasted that no misters om our nomatn had attend a number of years this cultish system, both my sister and I were told God had ma his will known to the learship, and both of , experienced relatnships, unknowgly married gay men.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

So they went to church, spoke tongu and married my sister and I, hopg their sire for other men would church had programs place for gay people, believg they were ma and not born (for gay men, this was the rult of an over-bearg mother, so this particular prejudice had the benef of killg two spised groups wh one stone). What did, actualy, was accentuate shame and require gay people to eher m to lifelong celibacy or a heterosexual marriage, whout regard for the impact of this on any of the fai volved, or their children.

Men would attt they had been cured of their homosexualy, and were now livg heterosexual marriag and havg time went on, the many propheci spoken over my hband by revered church lears did not eventuate. I rell a Bible study which I fend gay men, where another member said to me vicly that ‘they’ waed park toilets to molt her small day I found out my hband was gay, we had attend a weddg. When I found a letter he had wrten to a gay lover, which tailed the torment of his dilemma beg married to me, I knew right away that our marriage was over, but I was utterly expectatn our church was that I would be disgted by the revelatn of my hband’s gay inty, that I would spurn him and erase any happs or joy we had found together om my history.

My children and my niece and nephew have had their liv altered by the history of their yet, as we hear about the many fay members affected by the postal survey, we hear so ltle about those heterosexuals who have loved and married gay people who didn’t feel they were accepted enough our society to simply be I thk of our marriage equaly postal survey, of the ralli, the moments of hate, bigotry and disrpect, feels personal. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). I had a lumn lled “Straight Talk” where I told the difference between a straight perspective and the gay perspective, and I did some feature stori, also. Let me ask you this qutn about limbo men: If you’ve got a limbo man, sexually gay but emotnally straight, and he’s wh a woman who has no tert sex and don’t re who he’s sexual wh, what would you say to them?

There are plenty of men who choose to jt pe wh as bt they n, and there are plenty of women who stay wh a gay man for all kds of reasons—fancial, emotnal, social, etc.

SO MANY PEOPLE GET HURT WHEN THE CHURCH REF TO ACKNOWLEDGE MEN AND WOMEN ARE GAY.

A mory of the men I terviewed were homophobic and held prejudice agast LGBTQ2+ people and this prejudice mak the thought of an LGBTQ2+ inty unappealg to them. "It's nobody that I knew� was mostly oral sex� jt happened� At gay bars, there are back rooms wh hol the walls�" A wave of nsea swept over me as I listened to his agonized nfsn. At that moment, I felt as if I were standg alone the world, stripped of all digny, wh a big sign on me that read movie Brokeback Mounta turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double liv, havg sex wh other men while they are married to women.

That means there are a large number of women who have no ia what their hband do perdilly see stori about married men public life who are gay or have been implited homosexual behavr—such as Senator Larry Craig (R—Idaho), who was arrted last summer for allegedly solicg a male police officer an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey ernor Jam McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay Amerin" when he announced his rignatn om office. But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive—too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lyg to his wife, his iends, his fay and begngI was a 19-year-old llege hman Kentucky when I met Chris. Chris's father was a Southern Baptist mister who preached fire and brimstone, and Chris was tght that beg gay was the ultimate s—an absolute sentence to unual thgs happened on our first date.

But the world we lived , people often claimed a guy was gay if he wasn't a jock or really macho, so I didn't want to judge someone bee of who his iends were and what he did.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

As ual, I didn't dwell on my emotns; I foced more on my fay's well-beg than on what the future might wonr why Chris uldn't accept his homosexualy, but the s factor was graed him at an early age.

Chris feared that g out would validate him as a human beg—and might even send him to therapist doubted the marriage uld survive, yet I was dited to our unn if Chris was termed not to be gay.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

It was the worst time of my only thg that saved my sany was the Straight Spoe Network, an ternatnal support group found by another woman who'd been married to a gay man.

You n't be gay the ary, and if you're married, then of urse you're not was still livg wh (sleepg the spare room) when, through SSN, I met my ultimate soul mate, a father of three who had been married to a lbian. My mother even suggted that I try different thgs sexually to keep Chris terted and mentned that Chris uld take meditn to weaken his onI often joke about wrg a book lled The Girliend's Gui to NOT Marryg a Gay Man, bee I should have tsted my stcts om the start. I see now that many gay spo genuely believe they are dog the right thg by gettg married, bee they are lyg to themselv more than soul mate and I got married the year after our divorc beme fal, when I was 34.

I have marched for gay rights and spoken about my experience to groups of gay fathers, bee I believe was tolerance and the fear of homosexualy that put me and my fay through plete hell—and I hope none of that was va. Among the upl, when the gay, lbian, or bisexual partner out, a third of the upl break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then spl; the remag third try to make their marriag work.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

I was nsumed by the p my stomach – the shame of endg my marriage bee I was gay was like luggg a sandbag over my shoulrs and havg a rock my stomach at the same time.

I wasn’t brave enough to actually say the words – the label of beg gay or a lbian was too much for my soul to bear at the time – so I sent her a text msage, “I am not straight. Democratic printial ndidate Pete Buttigieg – who, like me, is his late 30s and, like me, me out publicly jt a few years ago – put this way: “It’s hard to face the tth that there were tim my life when, if you had shown me exactly what was si me that ma me gay, I would have cut out wh a knife. While the impact of marriage has been wily studied among heterosexual dividuals, ltle rearch has vtigated the impact of beg married on enomic out of gay men or lbian show that beg married creas the earngs of gay men and lbian women the Uned Stat.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

This vtment pattern which creas hoehold specializatn n expla the marriage premium for gay men and lbians as well as that historilly observed among heterosexual men. This lerature has documented robt evince that gay men earn ls than siarly suated heterosexual men and lbian women earn more than siarly suated heterosexual women (Carpenter 2004; 2007; Berg and Lien 2002; Cla and Leppel 2001; Martell 2013b; Allegretto and Arthur 2001; Blandford 2003). The size of the earngs differentials are large, typilly rangg om 10 - 20 percent for gay men and as large as 30 percent for lbian women (Klawter 2015).

The difficulty of rencilg the asymmetric earngs effects of sexual orientatn as well as the relative visibily of homosexualy wh standard theori of discrimatn motivated rearchers to vtigate several non-discrimatory explanatns. If gay men are ls mascule - and lbian women more mascule - than their heterosexual unterparts, the earngs differentials they experience uld be due to their characteristics not sexual inty.

I WAS MARRIED WH 2 KIDS WHEN I REALIZED I’M GAY

However, the cln of a wi variety of dividual and fay characteristics (cludg markers of masculy) do not affect the size of earngs differential timat for gay men and lbian women (Sabia 2015).

WOMEN GOT ‘MARRIED’ LONG BEFORE GAY MARRIAGE

The earngs differentials are nsistent wh preferenc for leisure motivatg gay men to work ls - and lbian women to work more - than their heterosexual unterparts (Berg and Lien 2002).

This may motivate lbian women (gay men) to work more (ls) tensely, vt more (ls) heavily their human pal, and earn more (ls) than their heterosexual unterparts. The wage penalty gay men experience is smaller geographic areas wh higher levels of tolerance of homosexualy (Burn 2019; Christafore and Leguizamon 2019; Hammarstedt et al. Siarly, disclosg a gay or lbian inty on job applitns leads to lower likelihood of receivg an vatn to terview for a job (Tilcsik 2011; Drydakis 2014).

First, anti-homosexual anim is more acutely articulated agast gay men than lbian women (Herek 1988; Herek and McLemore 2013) and should therefore translate to larger negative differentials for gay men. We addrs each of the mechanisms our empiril approach below and show that selectn do not appear to drive our fd that marriage creas the earngs of both married gay men and lbian women relative to their unmarried habg unterparts.