My ex was gay, but also a narcissist ... - Healg After Break Up or Divorce - eNotAlone

Contents:

• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYIEND IS GAY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• MY EX IS GAY. HOW DO I NOT TAKE PERSONALLY?
• QUIZ: HOW TO TELL IF MY BOYIEND IS GAY?
• MY SO-CALLED EX-GAY LIFE
• MILO YIANNOPOULOS SAYS HE IS ‘EX-GAY,’ WANTS TO REHABILATE ‘NVERSN THERAPY’
• WHAT COM AFTER THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT? THE SAME THG THAT CAME BEFORE.
• WHY ARE HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVISTS SO AAID OF “EX-GAYS”?
• WHAT ABOUT EX-EX-GAYS?
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• ‘EX-GAY’ MEN FIGHT BACK AGAST VIEW THAT HOMOSEXUALY CAN’T BE CHANGED
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• IS YOU'RE EX GAY?????????????
• EX-GAY IS HERE TO STAY
• MY EX-GAY FRIEND
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYIEND IS GAY

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

Joseph Nilosi, a clil psychologist California who was then print of the Natnal Associatn for Rearch and Therapy of Homosexualy (NARTH), the untry's largt anizatn for practners of ex-gay therapy.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

I left the office wh a py of Nilosi's most recent book, Healg Homosexualy, and a worksheet that tegorized different emotns unr the brics of "te self" and "false self. My mother might not have so easily found rmatn about ex-gay therapy had the Christian right not planted this stake the culture ad appeared 23 years after the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn (APA) classified homosexualy as a mental illns.

A small group of therapists ntued to practice talk therapy that enuraged patients to see homosexualy as a velopmental disorr, but they remaed on the ge until the Christian right took up their e. Foc on the Fay lled s new ex-gay mistry Love Won Out and talked about healg and rg for ex-gay movement turned the rhetoric of gay rights agast self: Shouldn't ex-gays be able to pursue therapy and live the liv they want whout facg discrimatn? Together wh the late Charl Soris, a psychiatrist who led the opposn to classifyg homosexualy as a mental illns, Nilosi formed NARTH 1992 as a "scientific anizatn that offers hope to those who stggle wh unwanted homosexualy.

MY EX IS GAY. HOW DO I NOT TAKE PERSONALLY?

Nilosi remas NARTH's most visible are no reliable statistics for how many patients have received ex-gay treatment or how many therapists practice , but the late 1990s and early 2000s, ex-gay therapy enjoyed a legimacy hadn't sce the APA removed homosexualy om s diagnostic manual. Whether or not the Christian right's alliance wh the ex-gay movement had nstuted a D-Day the culture wars, had succsfully challenged the prevailg ia that the bt choice for gay people was to accept themselv. I read one of Nilosi's books, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexualy, that he tri to posn himself as a supportive father figure, typifyg the sort of relatnship that he believ his patients never had wh their own father.

What translated to the larger culture was: The father of the 1973 revolutn the classifitn and treatment of homosexualy, who uld not be seen as jt another biased ex-gay csar wh an agenda, had validated ex-gay therapy. Richard Cohen, the founr of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays)-tend as the ex-gay unterpart to PFLAG (Parents, Fai, and Friends of Lbians and Gays)-was expelled om the Amerin Counselg Associatn for ethics vlatns. Among them were Alan Downg, the lead therapist of JONAH (Jews Offerg New Alternativ to Homosexualy), who ma his patients strip and touch themselv ont of a mirror; NARTH member Christopher At, who was nvicted of "unlawfully, tentnally and knowgly [g] peratn of" a client; and Exod-affiliated Mike Jon, who asked a patient to take off his shirt and do ph-ups for movement also suffered several high-profile fectns.

QUIZ: HOW TO TELL IF MY BOYIEND IS GAY?

" In 2007, Exod -founr Michael Bsee apologized for his role startg the as a rponse to the rurgence of ex-gay therapy, mastream profsnal anizatns also took a harr stance.

MY SO-CALLED EX-GAY LIFE

But the sprg of my sophomore year, the disparate parts of myself I had managed to hold together-the part of me that thought beg gay was wrong, the part that slept wh men anyway, the part of myself I let the world see, and the part that suffered silence-me undone. While took years of unselg to disabe myself of the ias I had learned while unrgog therapy wh Nilosi, was the first time I enuntered profsnals who were affirmg of my sexualy, and the first time I allowed myself to thk was all right to be gay. He looked like he do his Facebook pictur: solid and short, wh a shaved head and large brown had iated penncy-and-neglect proceedgs agast his parents at age 16 to pe ex-gay therapy.

Right-wg provotr Milo Yiannopoulos has e out as “ex-gay” – announcg that he “would like to help rehabilate what the media lls “nversn therapy” over the next , acrdg to a report. The 36-year-old Brish polil mentator, whose speech and wrgs often ridicule polil rrectns, social jtice and femism, clared himself no longer gay and “sodomy ee, ” he told LifeSe an terview.

— and only leaned heavily to public bee drove liberals crazy to see a handsome, charismatic, telligent gay man rtoly celebratg nservative prcipl, ” Yiannopoulos ntued.

MILO YIANNOPOULOS SAYS HE IS ‘EX-GAY,’ WANTS TO REHABILATE ‘NVERSN THERAPY’

“As for the CHANGED movement, I gus bee they’re Californian they don’t see how funny their webse is, or maybe they’re dirty non-doms who thk God lov you more the gayer you act, but I was slightly makg fun of them wh that ptn, ” he said.

Alan Medger, the first executive director of Exod Internatnal, scribed as “a change self-perceptn which the dividual no longer intifi him- or herself as homosexual. Recent bat among nservative Anglins and Prbyterians over whether someone n claim a “gay inty” are only the latt round of siar disput that have echoed church rridors for years.

WHAT COM AFTER THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT? THE SAME THG THAT CAME BEFORE.

As Stott wrote Issu Facg Christians Today back 1982, “In every discsn about homosexualy we mt be rigoro differentiatg between this ‘beg’ and ‘dog, ’ that is, between a person’s inty and activy, sexual preference and sexual practice, nstutn and nduct. In the Uned Stat, as the 1969 Stonewall rts New York announced the birth of the gay rights movement, orthodox Prottants were already askg what posive visn Scripture giv for people who are gay. In a statement, the lears clared, “We repent of the cripplg ‘homophobia’ … which has loured the attus toward homosexual people of all too many of , and ll our fellow Christians to siar repentance.

WHY ARE HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVISTS SO AAID OF “EX-GAYS”?

Schaeffer foraw signifint cultural chang when, 1978, an Orthodox Prbyterian Church ngregatn San Francis found self sued for releasg a gay employee who had vlated the church’s of nduct. Church historian Richard Lovelace’s 1978 book Homosexualy and the Church garnered hearty endorsements om evangelil lumari Ken Kantzer (a former CT edor), Elisabeth Ellt, Chuck Colson, Harold Ockenga, and Carl F. First, would require profsg Christians who are gay to have the urage both to avow [acknowledge] their orientatn openly and to obey the Bible’s clear junctn to turn away om the active homosexual life-style.

The church’s sponsorship of openly avowed but repentant homosexuals learship posns would be a profound wns to the world ncerng the power of the Gospel to ee the church om homophobia and the homosexual om guilt and bondage. Yet this was the Christian visn of Lovelace and Henry, Ockenga and Ellt, Kantzer and Colson, Lewis and Graham, Schaeffer and Stott, and a young gay evangelil Anglin who felt too aaid to e his own name, even though he was still a virg.

As I watch evangelil church and nomatns fumble their way through discsns of sexual orientatn and inty, often enforcg the language and tegori of a failed ex-gay movement, we’re missg the real battle: The surroundg culture has nvced the world that Christians hate gay people. They are already send-gusg their fah bee they hear all around them that Christians hate gay people, and they n’t pot to anyone their ngregatn who is gay, is fahful, and is loved and accepted as such. The 19th century wrer Osr Wil is revered by many the gay and lbian muny but, believe me, if he were alive now, he’d be totally exasperated wh the whg, hysteril malntents who domate today’s gay lobby.

WHAT ABOUT EX-EX-GAYS?

If “ex-gays” exist, this means that people n change their sexual orientatn — and this means that the foundatn the homosexual rights movement, the ia that they are “born that way” and th nnot help themselv, go right out the wdow. Many ex-gays are aaid to e out of the closet bee of the harassment they will receive — their nam, phone numbers and personal rmatn posted on gay webs, attacked at ex-gay exhib booths, prs releas issued agast them, etc. The tactics of gay activists are to go after anyone who out publicly as ex-gay, force them back to the closet, and then claim that ex-gays don’t exist bee there aren’t any out public.

”3 This is an odd assertn, sce a tailed review of homosexual obuari showed several exampl of men who were happily married, who had children, and who nsired themselv “straight” sudnly abandong their fai and embracg the homosexual “liftyle. For example, Nicholas Cummgs, a former Print of the Amerin Psychologil Associatn, has stated that he knows of hundreds of homosexuals who have succsfully changed their orientatn. But the “scientific” methods ed this study would make any legimate rearcher crge; the “study” managers did not terview a large group of “ex-gays;” they simply sought out people who claimed that they had been harmed (an tensive procs that took a full five years) and then nmned such therapy.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

Robert Spzer of Columbia Universy surveyed a wi range of ex-gays and found that 1% of the men and 4% of the women had been clilly prsed durg the prev twelve months. Regardls of the half-baked ratnalizatns and “studi” they may posss, homosexual activists are simply aaid of ex-gays, the same manner that ancient Greeks were aaid of the basilisk. Now may be impractil to “nvert” totally om homosexualy to heterosexualy, but if unselg n allow a gay man to rpond sexually to women, should be enuraged and appld, not lambasted or lampooned.

In natns where “nversn therapy” has been banned, homosexual activists have liberately approached Christian unselors pretendg to want to bee straight, and have lied to them orr to strip them of their licens. As one leadg English homosexual activist said, “We want to root out therapists and psychiatrists who are practicg the techniqu and ultimately brg an end to them through exposg them, as well as disptg their meetgs. Psychologists and unselors the jurisdictns are forbidn to unsel homosexuals their attempts to bee straight — even if they want this unselg — but are perfectly ee to tell a straight person all about the many alleged benefs of homosexualy.

Spzer, who had been vicly attacked by homosexuals for years, and who was sufferg om Parkson’s disease, fally gave to the prsure and announced that he was repudiatg the rults of his studi this field.

‘EX-GAY’ MEN FIGHT BACK AGAST VIEW THAT HOMOSEXUALY CAN’T BE CHANGED

Send, the term "ex-gay" has lots of different meangs (some lears like the term, while others don't), rangg om, "I ed to be volved same-sex relatnships, and I am no longer am, " to, "My romantic and sexual sir have changed om homosexual to heterosexual, " along wh everythg between. I know some ex-gays who are thrilled to be ee om their old liftyl spe the fact that they have not bee heterosexual, and they are overflowg wh ntentment, livg for God as celibate sgl. I know others who, through unselg or a ep spirual enunter wh the Lord, lerally went om homosexual to heterosexual (this is more mon than you might realize), and they have lived like this for s now.

The only fully documented, book-length, longudal study of the qutn of ex-gays, entled Ex-Gays?, by Stanton Jon and Mark Yarhoe, me to very posive nclns, spe beg ridiculed by gay activists.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

But if we foc on changg someone om homosexualy to heterosexualy rather than om homosexualy to hols, there is the possibily of great tratn and even disappotment and backslidg. That's why we mt jo together grace and tth when reachg out to those who intify as gay or lbian, monstratg passn and longsufferg whout promisg the tth of the gospel.

The bottom le is that homosexual practice, unr all circumstanc, is sful, and nothg n possibly change that fact, but is equally te that there is liberty and new life J, and those willg to take up the cross and follow Him will never need to look back.

IS YOU'RE EX GAY?????????????

Sce I expect gay bloggers and ex-ex-gays to rpond to this article crilly, if you are one of the many who, by God's grace, have e out of homosexualy, please take a moment to rpond here as well. Adam* said was dangero to e out as gay his home untry and feared beg forced to an arranged marriage wh a said he was "so lucky" to wed his soulmate, Ray, Manchter and wish everyone uld marry who they love. There are more than 60 untri wh laws that crimalise same-sex sexual acts acrdg to the Internatnal Lbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Associatn, cludg Sdi Arabia.

'Authentilly myself'Ray said he had also stggled growg up gay the 1970s and 80s England, which was "tough" said his relig school "dmmed to you, 'you are gog to hell'" Adam returned home to Sdi Arabia, spe beg more than 3, 000 apart and later rtricted by the Covid-19 panmic, they kept touch daily and the romance years ago, Ray proposed on a vio ll and after succsfully applyg for a UK fiancé visa, Adam moved to Manchter December 2022. Adam said he had been aaid to even wear lours his home untry so the first thg he did when he moved was start to "grow my mullet, got my ears pierced and booked appotments for tattoos" relled how, ntrast, one of his gay iends Sdi had been forced to marry a woman, addg: "It has ed not only his life but the life of his wife. The uple, who live London, said a "really betiful memory" was on the way home when one of their sons shouted out of the black b wdow to Trafalgar Square, "My dads jt got married" and cheered "Yay, gay marriage".

Bonnie Kaye,, me to specialize helpg women face this unanticipated reason for the mise of their marriage after her own marriage llapsed by virtue of her hband beg gay.

EX-GAY IS HERE TO STAY

Kaye reports that when a woman learns the reason for the problems her marriage-namely homosexualy, she go through a wi range of emotns om vastatn, shame, guilt, rponsibily, and perhaps even to repulsn. The answers to the qutns pend on if the gay or lbian spoe knew and tried to reprs the homosexual attractns, whether he or she didn't know they were gay, or if they are bisexual (attracted to both genrs) or pansexual (attracted more to a person's spir or personaly rather than a person's anatomy) so the attractn to their spoe was real was real but not limed to one person or genr. The seems to be no shortage of support out there on this subject matter and I also me across several books on the topic that may be of help to both the gay and straight spoe.

MY EX-GAY FRIEND

He spent 17 years a doomed marriage while battlg his urg all day, he said, and dreamg about them all recent years, as he probed his childhood unselg and at men’s weekend retreats wh nam like People Can Change and Journey Into Manhood, “my homosexual feelgs have nearly vanished, ” Mr. Smh is one of thoands of men across the untry, often known as “ex-gay, ” who believe they have changed their most basic sexual sir through some batn of therapy and prayer — somethg most scientists say has never been proved possible and is likely an men are often closeted, fearg ridicule om gay advot who acce them of self-ceptn and, at the same time, fearg rejectn by their church muni as tated oddi.

”But many ex-gays have ntued to seek help om such therapists and men’s retreats, sayg their own experience is proof enough that the treatment n Bzer, 35, was so angered by the California ban, which will take effect on Jan.

He was tormented as a Christian teenager by his homosexual attractns, but now, after men’s retreats and an onle urse of reparative therapy, he says he feels glimmers of attractn for women and is thkg about datg. Bzer, who plans to seek a doctorate psychology and bee a therapist ex-gays guard their secret but quietly meet support groups around the untry, sharg ias on how to avoid temptatns or, perhaps, broach their past wh a female date.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

The theori, which have also been adopted by nservative relig opponents of gay marriage, hold that male homosexualy emerg om fay dynamics — often a distant father and an overbearg mother — or om early sexual abe. Spzer, publicly repudiated as valid his own 2001 study suggtg that some people uld change their sexual orientatn; the study had been wily ced by fenrs of the this summer, the ex-gay world was nvulsed when Alan Chambers, the print of Exod Internatnal, the largt Christian mistry for people fightg same-sex attractn, said he did not believe anyone uld be rid of homosexual Nilosi, a psychologist and clil director of the Thomas Aquas Psychologil Clic Enco, Calif., which he scrib as the largt reparative therapy clic the world, disagreed. “I believe that all people are heterosexual but that some have a homosexual problem, and some of the people attempt to rolve their nflict by adoptg a socpolil label lled ‘gay.

Jeremy, who did not want his last name prted to avoid embarrassg his parents, said that om his teens until three years ago he lived as a gay man, at tim havg sex almost daily.

Crics like Wayne Ben, the executive director of Tth Ws Out, which fights antigay bias, liken such therapy to fah healg, wh apparent effects that later fa also pot out that the failur of such therapy are seldom reported. Swaim is unemployed and liv wh his parents Orange County, Calif., where his father is a pastor of the Evangelil Friends Church of the tried the gay life, but “ jt don’t settle wh me, ” he said, and ultimately cid “there’s got to be a way to heal this afflictn.