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data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd bjcNOB gydgrM">Here’s How to Have Phone Sex That’s Actually Hot and Fun</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB etVsnJ ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearDek-bIqFFZ bZgCVT">Don’t let a ltle awkwardns stop you— n be so, so worth .</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH gKcujo byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd fzZOZR gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd fPqUbj IWACp eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/sofia-barrett-ibarria">Sofia Barrett-Ibarria</a></span> and <span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd fPqUbj IWACp eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/patia-brahwae">Patia Brahwae</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2023-06-07T14:15:00-04:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd danQKH MlCHH">June 7, 2023</time></div></div><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--standard ContentHearAccredatnSocialIns-jorO fPzfaa ntent-hear__social-share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP cAlrhp lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc bjtV lead-asset--width-small" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb cZenhb"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb cZenhb rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Colorful vtage image of woman wearg lgerie on the phone" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE qDPBn ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN loMSDX"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd gVwuiM fNaHcW 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class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eOdfIs"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa UJsCn body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>Figurg out how to have phone sex n lead to extremely hot rults, but even the bt dirty talk n also feel awkward sometim (which, hontly, adds to the charm). Whether you’re stoked to try for the first time, you’ve dabbled the art, or you’re practilly a <a href=" target="_blank">virtual sex</a> pro, ’s normal to have some qutns: How do you get your partner on board? What do you actually <em>say</em>? Can you jt…hang up when ’s over? Navigatg the practil aspects of smutty nversatns might feel timidatg, but don’t worry: Experimentatn is what mak this fun. </p><p>If you’re wonrg how to have phone sex whout feelg embarrassed or self-nsc, don’t feel like you have to nail straight out of the gate: “Phone sex is a skill; one that tak patience, practice, and a whole lot of <a href=" target="_blank">self-passn</a>,” <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Elyssa Helfer, LMFT</a>, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based Los Angel, tells SELF. Technil difficulti and awkward ps n happen no matter your level of experience, and ’s okay if you feel a ltle silly or unfortable. Explorg new turn-on terrory is part of what mak special: Siar to wearg a <a href=" target="_blank">bldfold bed</a>, phone sex n heighten your sense of imagatn and anticipatn, Helfer says. </p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>Maybe you’re a <a href=" target="_blank">long-distance relatnship</a> and want to feel more nnected to your partner or you want to try a new form of <a href=" target="_blank">foreplay</a> wh your signifint other. Or perhaps you’re lookg to mix up your flirtg game wh a sexy ll to a new csh. No matter the circumstanc, this expert advice n help you navigate a phone sex ssn wh nfince. </p><h2>How do you even start havg phone sex?</h2><p>Unsurprisgly, havg great phone sex begs wh <em>talkg.</em> “Be ank and transparent when broachg the subject,” <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Lori Michels, LMFT</a>, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells SELF. “Make sure that you’re actually gettg nsent.” That uld look like a really direct chat where you straight-up ask the other person if they’re to the ia. If you’re a ltle more bashful, uld also mean sendg a flirty text or droppg a ht that you’d like to try somethg new and seeg how your partner rponds—then clearly askg if they’d like to ntue. </p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>You might also try what AASECT-certified sex therapist <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Ja Bro, PhD, LCSW</a> lls “the sandwich technique”—start wh an affectnate, posive statement, then assert your sire, and end wh more words of affirmatn. “For example, ‘I really enjoy your pany, your body, etc., and I’m cur to try somethg new wh you, like phone sex, and I’m wonrg if you would be terted dog wh me,’” Dr. Bro says.</p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="3rrae"></div></div><p>Provid that they’re as to the ia as you are, you n e the ial chat to talk about lik and dislik, or—if both of you are willg and able—you n transn om, “This is somethg I’d like to do,” to, “Let’s do this right now.” There’s no wrong way to approach the nversatn as long as you make sure everyone is exced about participatg.</p><h2>Okay, but what do you actually <em>say</em>?</h2><p>Once you’ve talked thgs over wh your partner and tablished that you’re both stoked about tryg phone sex, now the <em>really</em> fun part. But knowg what, exactly, to say may also be the most timidatg. </p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="rrtyhu"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="fo6nqc"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa UJsCn body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>If you’re feelg sktish at the start, try playg the “what if?” game, Dr. Bro suggts. You might ask your partner (or vice versa), “What if I was there wh you?” “What if I uld touch your body here?” or “What if I uld kiss/lick/b you there?” for example. The ia is to ease your way to a dirty mdset by stokg your imagatn.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>Gog back to basics by tellg your partner exactly what you’re dog or what you image <em>they’re</em> dog n also get the nversatn gog (or keep movg) if you feel stuck, she adds. A simple “I’m touchg myself here” or “I’m picturg you touchg your body there” n be extremely effective—and hot. On that note…</p><h2>How do you keep the nversatn gog durg phone sex?</h2><p>The great thg about phone sex is that allows you to talk about what you like—but don’t fet the <em>sex</em> aspect of phone sex, Michels says. <a href=" target="_blank">Touchg yourself</a> while you speak and listen is likely part of the equatn. “Beg able to touch one’s own body, and not worryg about whether or not the other person is gog to judge them for , is a huge pl,” Michels explas. In fact, the person on the other end of the le probably <em>wants</em> you to touch yourself.</p><p>So if you’re at a loss for how to keep thgs gog, try to embrace the ia that you’re allowg someone else to be prent <a href=" target="_blank">while you masturbate</a>. And if you feel like you’re losg your nerve, simply try closg your ey and rennectg to your body and the person on the other end of the le (or screen), Michels suggts. Ultimately, if you n’t fd the right words or phras, don’t overthk thgs—a ltle b of moang and heavy breathg n do the trick.</p><h2>After the nversatn has, uh, reached a climax, how do you end ?</h2><p>Whether or not you e (if that was <a href=" target="_blank">your goal</a>), might feel awkward to return to realy, but Michels says you shouldn’t jt sh over the end of the nversatn (unls that’s what you’ve agreed to beforehand). “This is supposed to be about nnectn,” she says.</p><p>In BDSM and kk muni, folks make a pot to rennect after sex, Michels explas. This is lled <a href=" target="_blank">afterre</a>, and ’s applible this suatn. You and your partner might ci on a rual that the two of you share to transn back to beg two people chattg on the phone. Or, Michels says, afterre n volve talkg about what you liked and didn’t like about the enunter. The key is to keep the nnectn alive. “Don’t jt say, ‘Hey, thanks a lot, gotta go,” Michels advis. You probably wouldn’t leap out of bed immediately after IRL sex and say “Peace!”—the same urty l apply here. </p><p>Whether you dulge some virtual pillow talk or jt take a moment to breathe together before you hang up, remember that phone sex—or any time you share sexual fantasi wh a partner—n be a vulnerable experience, so be gentle wh yourself and each other. </p><h2>Try the tips before, durg, and after phone sex.</h2><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>1. Don’t know where to beg? Ask</strong> <em><strong>yourself</strong></em> <strong>about your lik and dislik.</strong></div><p>Michels explas n be challengg to munite your sir if you don’t know what they are. So if you want to have phone sex, nsir askg yourself what turns you on and what turns you off. If, for stance, you aren’t super vol durg sex, you might ask your partner to skip open-end qutns (like “How do this feel?”) and stead ask direct qutns like “Do that feel good?” You n embellish when you answer (of urse), but might make you feel ls prsure to rpond.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>2. Thk about the words and phras that turn you on (and get specific).</strong></div><p>If you know what you like, but you don’t know how to talk about , thk about <a href=" target="_blank">books</a>, <a href=" target="_blank">songs</a>, and <a href=" target="_blank">TV shows</a> or <a href=" target="_blank">movi</a> that put you the mood, Michels suggts. How would you scribe them? Gently nudge yourself toward beg more scriptive by thkg about precisely what you like, how you want , and where you like . The more fortable you n get fishg sentenc like “I like when…” the easier will be to share those thgs durg phone sex.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>3. Know that your phone sex n clu a vio ll.</strong></div><p>Phone sex 2023 n be way more than jt voice-on-voice. If you both feel fortable, you n embrace vio sex. Many of the same l and tips above apply (pl or m good lightg), but there’s no prsure to turn your sex life to a Zoom party unls you want to. In se we haven’t ma this clear: Ensurg nsent is the most important phone sex tip of all. </p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="v2xfda"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RecircMostPopularWrapper-bRuGTi jkTTgR recirc-most-popular-wrapper viewport-monor-anchor"><div class="RecircMostPopularConter-jiViNn ktrplG recirc-most-popular-sparrow-trackg hi-asi-ad" data-most-popular-id="mod-most-popular-55"><div class="RecircMostPopularHeadg-iVzhzt fIrqYK">Most 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data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>Oh, and speakg of gettg everyone on the same page: Most people e the term “phone sex” to dite a tradnal ll, so ’s always a good ia to seek some clary about what means for all parti. It would be a ltle awkward (and kd of sweet) if your partner got all drsed up for FaceTime sex and you simply wanted to talk dirty on the phone.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>4. Fd somewhere quiet and private to have phone sex.</strong></div><p>“I would generally enurage people to ci on the logistics before they actually try to engage , pecially if they’re g vio,” Michels says. If you n have spontaneo phone sex, go for ! But if you live wh other people, have privacy ncerns, or want some time to prep—go ahead and plan. Fd a time and place that allows you to speak openly whout disturbg others around you.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>5. Don’t fet to charge your phone.</strong></div><p>Jt like havg your vibrator die while you’re g , ’s probably uniquely terrible to have your phone die while you’re havg sex. To that end, make sure you’ve charged your phone (or other vic) and that you are somewhere wh good phone service or a strong Wi-Fi nnectn.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>6. Start off slow.</strong></div><p>It n be helpful to ease to the nversatn, before divg to the specifics of what you’re dog or what you’d like to happen. Share some affectnate words wh your partner, Dr. Bro suggts, or even talk about the bt part of your day, which n help you feel more relaxed and nnected. Siarly, when to the sexy stuff, “start wh somethg small, like I am imagg kissg you right now, [or] I am thkg about the last time we kissed,” Dr. Bro says. </p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>7. Set the mood.</strong></div><p>As Michels said, ’s helpful to plan a ltle b for phone sex. This should, aga, clu chargg your phone and makg sure you’re somewhere private, but n also extend to <a href=" target="_blank">wearg lgerie</a>, lightg a ndle, or anythg else that puts you the mood.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>8. Build anticipatn.</strong></div><p>If you’re not havg spontaneo phone sex, n be challengg to figure out how to turn your phone ll to a sexual act. Y, ndl and sexy clothg n help you get to the groove, but you might also nsir sendg a sctive photo or a flirty text msage to <a href=" target="_blank">build anticipatn</a>. Ultimately, Michels says that beg “transparent about your sir” is the key to good phone sex, and lettg your partner know you want them before you get on the phone might help.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>9. Try phone sex as foreplay.</strong> </div><p>It don’t have to last for hours or end an asm to be excg. “Utilizg phone sex as foreplay n turn an entire day to an erotic adventure,” Helfer says. Schlg short flirty lls throughout the day, or surprisg a partner wh a sexy voice msage, n help ease the prsure if you’re not sure how to keep a longer nversatn gog.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>10. Consir startg the ll by readg eroti to each other.</strong></div><p>Maybe you don’t exactly know how to get started. Maybe you and your partner have only ed the phone to rant about polics. You n try to slowly troduce more sensualy to your nversatns by readg erotic lerature to each other, Michels suggts. She remends the <em>Encyclopedia of Unual Sex Practic</em> by Brenda Love ($19, <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="sponsored" target="_blank">Amazon</a>), a nonfictn reference book, but you might reach for a good ol’ fashned <a href=" target="_blank">romance novel</a> stead.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>11. Watch porn together.</strong></div><p>Maybe readg books out loud feels more awkward than actual phone sex or you want to try somethg else. Consir sharg <a href=" target="_blank">d porn</a> before your date, swappg vio clips, or even takg some time to fd and watch porn while you’re on the phone together. You n search for <a href=" target="_blank">ethilly produced porn</a> on s like <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Make Love Not Porn</a>, <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Bella</a> and <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Lt Cema</a>.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>12. Talk about the past—or the future.</strong></div><p>Like sharg porn or readg books, you n get thgs started by talkg about some of the bt experienc you and your partner have shared (remember vatn sex?) or even openg up about somethg you want to try dog together the future. Remember to lean to the tails so that you and your partner n let your imagatns soar, Michels says.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>13. Break out your sex toys.</strong></div><p>It’s no secret that <a href=" target="_blank">sex toys</a> n crease pleasure and help you maximize certa typ of stimulatn when you’re alone (<a href=" target="_blank">or together</a>). So don’t be aaid to e them durg phone sex. A bon: Some sex toys like the We-Vibe Moxie ($120, <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="sponsored" target="_blank">We-Vibe</a>) allow your partner to <a href=" target="_blank">ntrol them remotely</a>.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>14. Try havg phone sex unr the same roof.</strong></div><p>You don’t have to be long-distance to experiment wh phone sex. If you live wh your partner, try llg each other om a different room, Dr. Bro suggts. You might image you’re meetg each other for the first time or simply allow your close proximy to build anticipatn—knowg they’re the other room (and vice versa) n be super hot.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>15. Embrace role-playg.</strong></div><p>This one is tricky—we don’t want you to feel like you have to perform, but n help if you slip to character. Thk of as allowg yourself to surrenr to your sexual fantasi and step outsi of yourself for a moment. What would you say if you had no fear? Who would you be if you weren’t ncerned wh other people? Allowg yourself to exprs your sir through <a href=" target="_blank">role-playg</a> or an alter ego might help you exprs your most thentic fantasi, Michels explas.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>16. But don’t feel prsure to perform.</strong></div><p>Role-playg is awome, but don’t mistake play for performance, n still be an thentic and timate experience, Michels says. “There’s a ltle space. There’s a ltle more [time to] take thgs ,” she says. So stead of assumg you need to sound like a porn star (unls you want to), nnect wh your body and your partner so that you n emphasize pleasure over performance.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>17. Check wh yourself before, durg, and after phone sex.</strong></div><p>Y, afterre is important for remag nnected wh your partner, but you should also make sure you nnect to yourself. If phone sex was unfortable, unpleasant, or jt pla dull, be hont about the experience. It’s okay if your afterre nversatn volv admtg that you’re not sure you like phone sex.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4"><strong>18. Stop at any time if you don’t feel fortable.</strong></div><p>Consent isn’t somethg you only give at the begng of sex. It’s somethg that you ntue to provi throughout. And jt bee sex is happeng by phone don’t mean that <a href=" target="_blank">nsent l</a> disappear. If you change your md or want to stop at any pot, don’t feel prsure to ntue. If phone sex isn’t workg for you, you n (and should) end . Do what feels right and enjoy.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p><strong>Related:</strong></p><ul><li><a href=" target="_blank">How to Stop a Sex Rut From Beg a Full-On Sex Crater</a></li><li><a href=" target="_blank">8 Relatnship Green Flags You Should Defely Pay Attentn To</a></li><li><a href=" target="_blank">My Partner and I Sleep Separate Tw Beds and It Saved Our Sex Life</a></li></ul></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="6ly6tm"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="ContributorsWrapper-eNpWFu hEUvfU ntributors" data-ttid="Contributors"><div class="ContributorBWrapper-bnVHbt fTIPSP"><div class="ContributorBAvatar-bIGTqf kRLWCa"><a href="/ntributor/patia-brahwae"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 80w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 90w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></span></a></div><div class="ContributorBContent-ubQdr jZTSSi"><div class="ContributorBHear-ledood XOIEx"></div><div class="ContributorBB-fBolsO wPiP"><a href="/ntributor/patia-brahwae">Patia Brahwae</a> is a wrer and prevly was an edor at SELF startg May 2019. She was prevly the wellns edor at Refery29, and her eelance work has appeared the <em>Washgton Post and</em> VICE. 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class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz gKnDpj"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="How to Save Your Relatnship From the Social Media Comparison Trap" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent summary-em__ntent--no-bric"><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM hCFwqQ summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ ggvOsp summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">How to Save Your Relatnship From the Social Media Comparison Trap</div></div></div></a><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd bsvuBj jDyfzW summary-em__k">Even the most picture-perfect pairs go through rough patch.</div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff jCBznZ summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-50-50 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm idzIpc" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz gKnDpj"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="7 Signs of Emotnal Abe That Aren’t So Obv" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent summary-em__ntent--no-bric"><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM hCFwqQ summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ ggvOsp summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">7 Signs of Emotnal Abe That Aren’t So Obv</div></div></div></a><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd bsvuBj jDyfzW summary-em__k">It don’t have to be loud or vlent to “unt.”</div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff jCBznZ summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-50-50 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm idzIpc" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz gKnDpj"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="7 Therapist Red Flags You Should Never Ignore" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent summary-em__ntent--no-bric"><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM hCFwqQ summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ ggvOsp summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">7 Therapist Red Flags You Should Never Ignore</div></div></div></a><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd bsvuBj jDyfzW summary-em__k">There are some not-so-obv thgs a mental health profsnal should never do.</div></div></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm idzIpc ad ad--read-more"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--read-more" data-no-id="8ys98"></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff jCBznZ summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-50-50 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm idzIpc" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz gKnDpj"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="How to Clean Your Butt Before Anal Sex" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent summary-em__ntent--no-bric"><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM hCFwqQ summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ ggvOsp summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">How to Clean Your Butt Before Anal Sex</div></div></div></a><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd bsvuBj jDyfzW summary-em__k">Be extra gentle wh your hole, pecially if you’re g an enema.</div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff jCBznZ summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-50-50 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm idzIpc" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-5" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz gKnDpj"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg bDvSkO summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Salma Hayek Showed Off Her Grays and the ‘Wisdom’ That Com Wh Them" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent summary-em__ntent--no-bric"><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM hCFwqQ summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-5" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ ggvOsp summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Salma Hayek Showed Off Her Grays and the ‘Wisdom’ That Com Wh Them</div></div></div></a><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd bsvuBj jDyfzW summary-em__k">At 56, “everythg” about gettg olr has pleasantly surprised her.</div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff jCBznZ summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below summary-em--layout-posn-image-left 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SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ ggvOsp summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">4 People on What Livg Whout a Rectum Is Like</div></div></div></a><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd bsvuBj jDyfzW summary-em__k">If you have a stoma, you n poop anytime, anywhere.</div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryCollectnGridToActnWrapper-gnReGN eGayfk"></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="TaboolaWrapper-hMVdpE iYfBhy"><div class="TaboolaWidgetWrapper-egPIjc hkSrgt TaboolaWidget-eUSdED hQCCRa" data-ttid="TaboolaWidgetWrapper"><div class="TaboolaWidgetContent-iBEQTO eXroXG TABOOLA" id="taboola-below-article-thumbnails" data-ttid="TaboolaWidgetContent"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--footer should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--footer" 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Contents:

THE GRABBER, 'GAYFACE,' AND THE DANGER OF CONFLATG THE TWO IN THE BLACK PHONE

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(TIF) isn't your grandfathers' ad: It shows a gay uple, a first for the jeweler. But there's also a bs se to be ma: The lbian, gay, bisexual and transgenr muny held $790 ln buyg power, acrdg to a 2012 timate om the Human Rights Campaign, a leadg LGBT advocy group.

Seattle-based Amazon (AMZN) also released an ad spot that featur a gay man buyg a Kdle e-rear. "Let me be clear: I'm proud to be gay, and I nsir beg gay among the greatt gifts God has given me, " he wrote October. Google: Not only do Google (GOOG)have an ternal workg group for employe known as Gayglers, but ma a bold statement about LGBT rights ahead of the Wter Olympics Sochi last year.

The pany joed protts of anti-gay polici Rsia by featurg a rabow-lored "Google doodle" on s homepage. The rabow-lored Oreo was a high-profile nod to gay rights.

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Starbucks: For CEO Howard Schultz, supportg gay rights meant directly nontg an vtor who claimed the pany's stance was erodg s bottom le. Content warng: This article discs homophobia, pedophilia/hebephilia, and child abe at length and ntas spoilers for "The Black Phone. " When discsg John Wayne Gacy, we refer to him as a serial killer, a hebephiliac, and a necrophiliac, but what we don't ll him is "gay, " bee he wasn't.

So why are some people llg Ethan Hawke's performance of a character spired by him "gayface? What is 'gayface? Gayface is the term ed to scribe a straight actor performg a riture of a gay person by playg to harmful trop.

Admtedly, there sperately needs to be a different name for this practice, as equatg gayface to the unfivably disrpectful "Blackface" is like parg appl to 400 years of systemic racism, but for the time beg, that's the term we have. Gayface is not only an offensive practice that relegat the reprentatn of queer people the media to paful stereotyp, but also ni queer actors the abily to tell their own stori while implyg that there's only one type of way to be gay.

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I first heard about the claims of gayface "The Black Phone" followg s premiere at Fantastic Ft 2021, and aga after the Beyond Ft screeng a few weeks later. Callg Hawke's performance this film "gayface" is a take void of any nuance. I went to my send viewg of "The Black Phone" wh the sole tentn of tryg to clock any and all stanc of Ethan Hawke's performance that uld have been perceived, read, or d as gay.

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Before I list them all out, please unrstand that the attribut are not herently or exclively "gay, " bee there is no one way to be, act, look, prent, or exist as gay, and to imply otherwise is homophobic.

Believg the aspects make the Grabber a gay riture is so unfathomably harmful hontly mak me physilly ill. In a different genre and wh a lser creative team, I would pletely unrstand why someone would e to this ncln, but bee Derrickson and Cargill aren't homophobic monsters, all of the supposed gayface attribut are explaed the text of "The Black Phone.

" The Grabber is so clearly portrayed as a hebephiliac serial killer, not a gay man, and nflatg the two giv legimate power to the opprsive talkg pots of those who are scerely tryg to extermate the existence of queer people real life. The text disprov the gayface claims. And that mak "The Black Phone" an even more plited movie to asss terms of the gayface accatns and queer reads that are undoubtedly gog to be ma the current climate.

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It's impossible to know how the film would have been received had the panmic not forced a lay and me out before "Don't Say Gay, " and the obv legimizatn of the Supreme Court. We are currently livg a time when anti-gay legislatn is poppg up all over the untry, and Ana Bryant-que beliefs have returned as right-wg talkg pots.

Gay people are beg lled "groomers" nstantly, so ignorg the realy that The Grabber is a hebephiliac and stead equatg him to gayface is playg right to the hands of nservativ who want ad. It's also wildly dangero bee there is zero evince that shows any nnectn to homosexualy and child abe, and the overwhelmg number of those who abe children are actually straight men. "The Black Phone" was released the middle of a moral panic surroundg homosexualy (and specifilly, trangenrism) and would have been impossible for Derrickson, Cargill, and Hawke to have predicted how furiatgly backward Ameri was movg when velopg the character.

Hawke's performance is phenomenal, but 's not herently gayface. Claimg Hawke's flamboyant performance is gayface is an extremely rctive way at asssg queerns, and an even more limg approach to genr performance.

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