Contents:
- IT’S TIME FOR AN ACTUALLY GAY SEASON OF THE BACHELOR ALREADY
- WHY THE QUEER COMMUNY DON’T WANT NOR NEED ANOTHER “GAY BACHELOR”
- PLEASE, NEVER MAKE AN LGBT ‘BACHELOR’WILTED ROSETHERE ARE LLS FOR ABC’S DATG SHOW TO FEATURE LGBT NTTANTS. BUT THIS IGNOR WHAT MAK THE SHOW SUCH A LIC WATCH THE FIRST PLACE—S HYPER-HETEROSEXUALY.SAMANTHA ALLENUPDATED MAR. 09, 2018 10:27PM EST OPNTHERE SHOULD NEVER BE A GAY “BACHELOR.”AND THERE PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE, BEE ONLY STRAIGHT PEOPLE SEEM TO BE WEIRD ENOUGH TO PARTICIPATE THE BACHELOR EN MASSE, YEAR AND YEAR OUT.SURE, WE’VE SEEN ATTEMPTS TO MAKE REALY DATG A QUEERER ENAVOR BEFORE, BUT THEY’VE BEEN SHORT-LIVED: MOST NOTABLY, A SHOT AT LOVE WH TILA TEQUILA, WHICH RAN FOR TWO SEASONS ON MTV THE LATE GHTS, AND LOGO’S FDG PRCE CHARMG, WHICH BUTED AND DIED 2016.BUT ’S PREDOMANTLY STRAIGHT PEOPLE OF EHER THE ASPIRG INSTAGRAM STAR OR GULLIBLE FAIRYTALE DREAMER VARIETY WHO WILL KEEP THE BACHELOR ANCHISE GOG WELL TO S GOLN YEARS. SO THAT’S WHY, EVERY TIME ANOTHER WRER LLS FOR AN LGBT BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE, DUC A SMIRK. THIS YEAR, ’S INSIR WRER LOUIS BARAGONA WHO, MENTG ON THE CLG RATGS FOR ARIE LUYENDYK JR.’S SEASON, ME TO THE NCLN THAT THE BACHELOR ANCHISE GOG QUEER WOULD BRG ABOUT “MUCH-NEED CHANGE THE BT TERTS OF BOTH THE WORK AND THE VIEWERS.”LET THE BACHELOR GROW OLD AND DIE WH LIGHTFUL DIGNY. ALTHOUGH ARIE’S SEASON MAY HAVE BEEN BORG THE BEGNG, THE RATGS FOR THE DRAMATIC TWO-PART FALE PROVED THAT THIS OLD DOG STILL HAS SOME LIFE LEFT .WHY WOULD I NEVER WANT TO SEE MYSELF OR MY FELLOW LGBT PEOPLE REPRENTED ON WHAT IS PERHAPS—IF I’M HONT AT THE EXPENSE OF MY SELF-RPECT—MY FAVORE TELEVISN SHOW?FOR ONE, WOULD WHAT I AND MOST OF MY QUEER IENDS ENJOY THE MOST ABOUT THE REALY SERI: WATCHG STRAIGHT PEOPLE BE AS STRAIGHT AS THEY N POSSIBLY BE. BARAGONA ARGUED—AND RIGHTLY SO—THAT “QUEER PEOPLE SERVE TO SEE THEMSELV AND THEIR RELATNSHIPS ACCURATELY, HONORABLY PORTRAYED ON SCREEN.” LIKE MANY LGBT MENTATORS, I HAVE ARGUED PASSNATELY FOR LGBT REPRENTATN HOLLYWOOD OVER THE YEARS. BUT THE BACHELOR IS MY SOLE EXCEPTN: I’M NOT WATCHG FOR REPRENTATN; I’M WATCHG BEE ’S A THEATRIL DISPLAY OF HYPER-HETEROSEXUALY.FOR ME, THE BACHELOR IS A SHOW ABOUT STRAIGHTNS THAT HAPPENS TO CLU DATG MORE THAN IS A SHOW ABOUT DATG THAT HAPPENS TO FEATURE STRAIGHT PEOPLE.AND TAK A SPECIAL KD OF STRAIGHTNS TO MAKE THE BACHELOR ANCHISE TICK. HOW STRANGE ARE SOME OF THE FOLKS WHO SIGN UP TO BE SEQUTERED A MANSN WHOUT TER FOR WEEKS ON END SO THAT THEY N POTENTIALLY GET ENGAGED TO SOMEONE AFTER TWO DAT? VERY. BRT, WHO APPEARED ON CHRIS SOUL’ THUDDGLY DULL SEASON, SLEPT A FULL FACE OF MAKP SO SHE ULD LOOK FLAWLS FIRST THG THE MORNG. J.P., WHO WON ASHLEY’S SEASON DISCLOSED TO YAHOO THAT HE “PROBABLY WORKED OUT SIX TO SEVEN DAYS EACH WEEK,” WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT A HUMAN SHOULD WORK OUT, IF ’S NOT TOO MUCH ALREADY. SO MANY OF THE NTTANTS LOOK INTIL, TOO: THE WOMEN HAVE LONG HAIR LOOSE WAV, THE MEN KEEP SHORT ON THE SIS, LONG ON THE TOP. THEY ARE A CLONE ARMY OF PETIVE DATERS, AND THAT IS PRECISELY THEIR APPEAL. THE BACHELOR GIV HETEROSEXUALY DISTILLED TO AN SENCE—ONE THAT I WANT TO JECT STRAIGHT TO MY VES.BUT APART OM THE BACHELOR POTENTIALLY LOSG S ENTERTAMENT VALUE THROUGH QUEER CLN, AN LGBT RNATN OF THE SHOW JT WOULDN’T WORK, NO MATTER WHICH DIRECTN—OR DIRECTNS— SWGS.THERE IS, AS MY DAILY BEAST LLEAGUE KEV FALLON NOTED HIS REVIEW OF FDG PRCE CHARMG, THE OBV AND FAMOLY PARODIED PROBLEM “THAT THE NTTANTS WOULD START FALLG LOVE WH—OR AT LEAST START HOOKG UP WH—EACH OTHER STEAD OF THE SUOR” IF THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE WERE GAY OR LBIAN AND THE NTTANTS WERE ALL OF THE SAME GENR. ALTHOUGH FALLON ARGU THAT THIS WOULD “MAKE THE SHOW ALL THE MORE ENTERTAG”—THERE’S NOTHG PRODUCERS ON THE SHOWS LOVE MORE THAN DRAMA—THE SHOW-NNERS STILL NEED TO BE ABLE TO CRAFT A HIVE STORYLE OUT OF THE CHAOS.IF YOU BELIEVE FORMER FDG PRCE CHARMG NTTANT ROBBY LARIVIERE, THE SHORT-LIVED LOGO SERI LARGELY AVOID HOOK-UPS BETWEEN THE ALL-MALE NTTANTS BEE “ WAS A HOE FULL OF BOTTOMS,” MEANG, FOR THE UNIATED REAR, LS DOMANT ROMANTIC PARTNERS. THAT’S WHAT LARIVIERE TOLD VULTURE LAST OCTOBER BUT, EVEN THEN, HE CLAIMS THAT TWO MEN ON THE SHOW “HOOKED UP ON THE FIRST NIGHT” AND THEN, ON THE SEND NIGHT, ONE OF THOSE SAME TWO NTTANTS “WAS MAKG THE MOVE ON” A DIFFERENT MAN.A SHOT AT LOVE WH TILA TEQUILA HAD A BISEXUAL LEAD MISS TEQUILA, BUT ST STRAIGHT MEN AND LBIAN WOMEN AS TWO SEPARATE HORTS OF NTTANTS. I WASN’T YET ADDICTED TO REALY TELEVISN BACK 2008, BUT ACRDG TO BUDDYTV WRER JOHN KUBICEK, THE PREMIERE OF SEASON TWO END WH TEQUILA THROWG OUT TWO OF THE WOMEN FOR MAKG OUT WH EACH OTHER. (“SURELY THE BT CHOICE FOR EACH OF [THE LBIANS] IS NOT TILA,” KUBICEK WRYLY MED. “WHY SHOULD THEY NY A STRONGER NNECTN IF THEY FD ?”)THE GIRLS ON ABC’S BACHELOR ALREADY ENGAGE SOME PRETTY TENSE HOMOSOCIAL BONDG AS IS. THE MOST RECENT “AFTER THE FAL ROSE” SPECIAL WAS PROOF OF THAT, WHAT WH FIVE GIRLS ALL CUDDLG UP AROUND NEWLY CROWNED BACHELORETTE BEC KU ON ONE LOVE SEAT, STG ON EACH OTHER’S LAPS, HOLDG EACH OTHER’S HANDS. THIS IS POWERFUL, “EXTG”-LEVEL CLOSENS, AND ’S PROBABLY ONLY DULGED SO FLAGRANTLY BEE THE WOMEN N RT ASSURED EACH OTHER’S STRAIGHTNS. IN A HOE FULL OF QUEER, BISEXUAL, AND LBIAN WOMEN, THAT HAND-HOLDG WOULD TAKE ON A DIFFERENT DIMENSN. IN FACT, THE ATRALIAN VERSN OF THE BACHELOR HAS ALREADY UNTENTNALLY PRODUCED ONE SAME-SEX RELATNSHIP BETWEEN FORMER NTTANTS MEGAN AND TIFFANY, ALTHOUGH THE PAIR HAVE SCE SPL, AND ATRALIAN BACHELOR WNER ALEX NATN SPL UP WH THE MAN WHO PROPOSED TO HER AND IS NOW ENGAGED TO A WOMAN.IMAGE ALL THE RELATNSHIPS THAT ULD POTENTIALLY FORM ON AN ALL-QUEER BACHELOR—’D BE FUN TO WATCH FOR AN EPISO, SURE, BUT WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL A SGLE OVERARCHG TALE THE WAY THAT SEEMS NECSARY TO STA VIEWER TERT OVER THE URSE OF A FEW MONTHS? THE PRODUCERS OF THE AMERIN VERSN HAVE GONE SO FAR AS TO ALLOW AN OPENLY BISEXUAL NTTANT, JAIMI KG, TO APPEAR THE ANCHISE, AND KG HAS SAID THAT THE SHOW IS “DABBLG” WH DIVERSY— BUT “DABBLE” IS ALL THE PRODUCERS OF THE BACHELOR WOULD LIKELY DO WHEN TO LGBT ISSU, LT THE SHOW GET OUT OF THEIR NTROL.WE SHOULDN’T LE OUT THE POSSIBILY THAT SOME TV EXECUTIVE SOMEWHERE ULD VISE A WNG FORMAT FOR AN LGBT-THEMED REALY DATG SERI—OR THAT, IF DONE RIGHT, ’D PROVI SOME MUCH-NEED REPRENTATN A MEDIUM THAT SEEMS TO PREFER KILLG OFF QUEER PEOPLE TO SHOWG THEM ALIVE AND LOVE. BUT THE BACHELOR ANCHISE WORKS BEE OF S OVER-PRODUCED RIGIDY—BEE FORC NTTANTS TO STAY BOX: STRAIGHT WOMEN (OR MEN) OVER HERE, ONE STRAIGHT MAN (OR WOMAN) OVER THERE. AND IF THERE’S ONE THG QUEER PEOPLE DON’T LIKE, ’S BEG BOXED . THE BACHELOR HAS FOUND A WNG FORMULA AND PEOPLE WHO LEAD UN-FORMULAIC LIV DON’T REALLY F TO , NOR WOULD MANY OF WANT TO.THAT’S WHY I’M HAPPY TO KEEP WATCHG THE STRAIGHT BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE SHOWS. I’LL TAKE ANOTHER UPLE S OF RELIABLE MONDAY NIGHT ENTERTAMENT OVER A RISKY QUEER REBOOT.BACK 2014, WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE IA OF SHOWG SAME-SEX LOVE ON THE BACHELOR, CHRIS HARRISON TOLD THE NEW YORK TIM MAGAZE: “LOOK, YOU’VE BEEN MAKG PIZZAS FOR 12 YEARS AND YOU’VE MA LNS OF DOLLARS AND EVERYBODY LOV YOUR PIZZAS AND SOMEONE AND SAYS, ‘HEY, YOU SHOULD MAKE HAMBURGERS.’ WHY? I HAVE A GREAT BS MOL, AND I DON’T KNOW IF HAMBURGERS ARE GOG TO SELL.”I LOVE HAMBURGERS. I THK, ACRDG TO HARRISON’S ANALOGY, I AM A HAMBURGER. BUT PLEASE, LET ME WATCH MY PIZZAS PEACE. IF WE’RE LOOKG FOR MORE LGBT REPRENTATN ON TV, THERE ARE BETTER ROWS TO HOE THAN THE BACHELOR. SAMANTHA ALLEN
- A QUEER LOVE LETTER TO ‘THE BACHELOR’S’ SPECTACLE OF STRAIGHTNSWILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE?THE LONG-NNG REALY DATG SERI IS A REFLECTN OF STRAIGHTNS S MOST HEIGHTENED FORM—SO WONRFULLY EXAGGERATED AND MPY, PEOPLE OF ALL ORIENTATNS N ENJOY .SAMANTHA ALLENUPDATED FEB. 21, 2018 3:30AM EST PHOTO ILLTRATN BY SARAH ROGERS/THE DAILY BEASTWHEN STRAIGHT IENDS ASK WHY A QUEER WOMAN LIKE ME WOULD OBSSIVELY WATCH THE BACHELOR—AND PLENTY OF THEM DO ED SEEM MYSTIFIED BY MY VOTN TO THAT VERABLE TV TEMPLE OF HETERONORMATIVY—I OFFER A SIMPLE EXPLANATN.“I WATCH THE BACHELOR,” I SAY, “FOR THE SAME REASON THAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE WATCH DRAG.”WHEREAS DRAG SHOWS PARODY GENR, ABC’S LONG-NNG REALY DATG SERI PROVIS A PASTICHE OF HETEROSEXUAL DATG RUALS THAT IS SO WONRFULLY EXAGGERATED, SO MPY, THAT PEOPLE OF ALL ORIENTATNS N ENJOY . AND I DON’T JT ENJOY THE BACHELOR; I LOVE .I LOVE HOW ALL THE WOMEN ON THE SHOW SPORT THE EXACT SAME MILLENNIAL STEPFORD WIFE HAIRDO—A STYLE BT SCRIBED BY RACKED’S JULIA RUB AS “STRAIGHT-UP-TOP, LOOSE-CURLS-ON-BOTTOM” THAT I HAVE WORN EXACTLY ONCE WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN DID MY HAIR. I LOVE HOW ANY NTTANT WH A SEMBLANCE OF A HOBBY—LIKE THIS SEASON’S KENDALL, WHO DO TAXIRMY—GETS BRAND AS “QUIRKY” OR “WEIRD” FOR MTG THE CRIME OF ACTUALLY RG ABOUT SOMETHG.I LOVE HOW THE RICH PLEXY OF HUMAN URTSHIP GETS RCED TO A TIRED SCRIPT FULL OF PHEMISMS THAT ARE REPEATED AD NSEAM: FIRST “CHEMISTRY,” THEN A “REAL NNECTN,” THEN “FALLG” FOR EACH OTHER, AND, FALLY, A PROPOSAL—UNLS, OF URSE, SOMEONE ISN’T THERE FOR “THE RIGHT REASONS” OR THEY’RE NOT “READY FOR MARRIAGE.”MOST OF ALL, I LOVE THE HYPOCRISY OF ALL THE POTENTIAL BACHELOR UPL TALKG ABOUT SHARG “THE SAME VALU” ALL SEASON LONG—THEN HEADG OFF TO THE GLORIFIED BREEDG SHED THAT IS THE SO-LLED “FANTASY SUE” THE SHOW’S FAL HOURS. (DON’T WORRY—I’M SURE THEY JT STAY UP ALL NIGHT PARG THEIR “VALU” ON THOSE PETAL-VERED BEDS.)WATCHG THE BACHELOR IS LIKE BEG ON AN AMEMENT PARK RI LED WH ANIMATRONIC FIGUR WHOSE HETEROSEXUALY DIALS HAVE BEEN TURNED UP TO 11. THEY ARE OVERCLOCKED, OPERATG WELL BEYOND THEIR FACTORY SETTGS, AND WHEN THEY BREAK DOWN—WHICH THEY OFTEN DO—THERE IS NOTHG MORE CHAOTILLY BETIFUL.TO BE CLEAR, I NNOT RELATE AT ALL TO CHRIS HARRISON’S TELEVISED UPLG EMPIRE. I MET MY WIFE AN INDIANA SEX LIBRARY, FOR STARTERS, AND WE NEVER REALLY “DATED” SO MUCH AS WE JT STARTED HANGG OUT WH EACH OTHER AND NEVER STOPPED. BACHELOR NTTANTS OFTEN MAKE A BIG TO-DO ABOUT DISCLOSG THEIR PAST PERSONAL TRMAS; FOR , THAT TALK HAPPENED AS A SIMPLE MATTER OF URSE WH A DAY OF MEETG.NOR DO THE SHOW OFFER MY PARTNER AND I ANYTHG APPROACHG WISH FULFILLMENT—APART OM THE P AMOUNTS OF TERNATNAL TRAVEL. NEHER OF WANT TO BE PRETTY WOMAN-ED LIKE BEC K. WAS THIS SEASON; THAT FANTASY IS JT NOT OUR PSYCHE.REALY TELEVISN BEARS ONLY A PASSG REMBLANCE TO REALY, OF URSE—AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF STRAIGHT PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY DON’T SEE MUCH OF THEMSELV THE BACHELOR—BUT THERE AREN’T EVEN SHAS OF OUR EXPERIENC OR SIR REFLECTED THE SHOW. BUT BEG ABLE TO PERSONALLY NNECT TO THE BACHELOR ISN’T THE REASON MY PARTNER AND I NSIR THE WEEKLY ADVENTUR OF ARIE LUYENDYK JR. TO BE APPOTMENT VIEWG—AND WHY I AM CURRENTLY HOOKED TO THE BIZARRE OLYMPICS-THEMED BACHELOR WTER GAM SP-OFF. WE WATCH THE SHOW FOR THE SHEER SPECTACLE OF STRAIGHTNS—FOR WHAT MY WIFE LLS THE “MOCK THEATER” OF HETERONORMATIVY. AND WE ARE FAR OM THE ONLY LGBT FANS OF THE BACHELOR WHO TUNE FOR THIS PRECISE REASON.“MY STRAIGHT HBAND HAT , I THK, MOSTLY BEE OF THE GARISH UGLY SPECTACLE MAK OF ATTRACTN AND RELATNSHIPS BETWEEN A MAN AND AN ARMY OF DISRDABLE WOMEN, BUT I THK MAYBE THAT’S WHY I LIKE ?” ONE BISEXUAL FEMALE IEND TOLD ME. “THE SHOW’S WHOLE IA OF HETEROSEXUAL PATIBILY AND MARRIAGE IS SO GAWK-ABLY BIZARRE.”“I LIKE WATCHG THE EXAGGERATED VERSN OF STRAIGHTNS THAT I GREW UP TERNALIZG,” A QUEER TRANSGENR MALE IEND TOLD ME. “IT’S HALF JT ENTERTAG, HALF A WAY TO ACCS THE REMNANTS OF A HETERONORMATIVY THAT I TRIED MY WHOLE LIFE TO N AWAY OM—BUT THAT WAS SO STRONGLY FORCED ON ME THAT WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME.”ANOTHER IEND—A BISEXUAL, FEMIST WOMAN—PARTICIPAT REGULAR VIEWGS OF THE BACHELOR WH HER QUEER IENDS AND EVEN JOED A BACHELOR-THEMED FANTASY LEAGUE.“WHEN I WATCH THE BACHELOR, I DON’T THK I VIEW THE WAY A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE TEND TO,” SHE ADMTED. “MY IENDS, CLUDG OTHER QUEER FOLKS, PILE TOGETHER ON A UCH OR A BIASTAL TEXT THREAD AND CREATE MUNY AROUND LGHG AT CIS[GENR] STRAIGHT NONSENSE.”“WE DON’T SEE A FAIRYTALE UNFOLDG,” SHE ADD, “WE SEE A DUMPSTER FIRE TCHG WAYS SO ABSURD, THE ONLY THG YOU N DO IS LGH.”MY WIFE’S FAVORE PART OF THE SHOW ALSO HAS NOTHG TO DO WH CHEERG FOR THE ROMANTIC HOPEFULS TO FD LOVE; SHE LIK “WATCHG THE SISTERHOOD VELOP BEYOND THE EDG” BETWEEN THE FEMALE NTTANTS—THE “HANDHOLDG, WIPG OF TEARS, JOK, HUGGG, SLY GIGGLG, AND HEART-TO-HEARTS HAD WHILE THE BACHELOR IS AWAY.”THE BACHELOR SELF DON’T EXPLICLY VE THIS SUBVERSIVE LGBT DIENCE. MOST OBVLY, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN AN OPENLY LBIAN, GAY, OR BISEXUAL STAR OF THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE—WHICH MEANS LTLE HOPE OF SEEG SAME-SEX LOVE ONSCREEN.THE SERI HAS ALSO DULGED A FAIR B OF HOMOPHOBIA, BIPHOBIA, AND TRANSPHOBIA, EVEN RECENT YEARS, LIKE 2015 WHEN TWO MALE PETORS VELOPED A STRONG IENDSHIP THAT WAS TEASED AS A POTENTIAL ROMANCE, OR MAY 2017 WHEN THE ABC WEBSE PUBLISHED A MENT BY A BACHELORETTE NTTANT WHO SAID HIS BIGGT DATE FEAR WOULD BE THAT “THE CHICK IS ACTUALLY A DU,” OR THE SUMMER OF 2017 WHEN THE FIRST OPENLY BISEXUAL NTTANT WAS NOTICEABLY TOKENIZED ON BACHELOR PARADISE.(ABC LATER REMOVED THE “CHICK IS ACTUALLY A DU” MENT, AS THE WRAP REPORTED.)THE BACHELOR STILL SEEMS TO TAKE PLACE A UNIVERSE WHERE QUEER PEOPLE DON’T EXIST—NOT THE REAL WORLD, WHERE SOMETHG LIKE SEVEN PERCENT OF LENNIALS ARE LGBT.BUT THIS IS ONE AREA WHICH I’M CIDLY NOT LOOKG FOR CREASED LGBT MEDIA REPRENTATN. I WOULD FELY LIKE TO SEE ABC IMPROVE THE SHOW’S RACIAL DIVERSY—STEAD OF BELIEVG THAT RACHEL LDSAY’S SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE N ATONE FOR ALL OF THE SHOW’S UNRELENTG WHENS. WHEN TO MATTERS OF QUEERNS, THOUGH, I SAY, PLEASE, GOD, LET THE BACHELOR REMA ROLUTELY THE PAST. THE SHOW’S OUTDATED, ALMOST PRIMEVAL PORTRAYAL OF HETEROSEXUALY IS EXACTLY WHAT MAK SUCH PELLG VIEWG. IT ONLY BOLSTERS MY SE THAT PREV ATTEMPTS TO IMATE THE BACHELOR FORMAT WH AN ALL-GAY ST HAVE BEEN DISASTRO, AS MY DAILY BEAST LLEAGUE KEV FALLON HAS NOTED.“ONE UPSI TO BEG IGNORED BY THE DATG SHOW CRAZE HAS BEEN PG THE SACCHARE FAIRY-TALE NARRATIVE,” FALLON WROTE, HIS REVIEW OF THE SHORT-LIVED LOGO SERI FDG PRCE CHARMG.QUEER LIV DON’T TYPILLY F THE TEMPLATE PROVID BY THE BACHELOR, AND ’S PROBABLY FUTILE TO TRY SHOVG OUR ROUND PEGS TO A STRAIGHT DATG SHOW’S SQUARE HOL—AT LEAST AS SUCH SHOWS ARE PRENTLY NSTUTED. AS MY BISEXUAL FEMIST IEND NOTED, IF THERE WERE A VERSN OF THE BACHELOR THAT “ACCURATELY PORTRAYED THE DIVERSY, PLEXY, AND HUMANY OF LGBTQ PEOPLE LOOKG FOR LOVE,” THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC—BUT IF THAT WERE THE SE, THE SHOW “WOULDN’T BE THE BACHELOR” ANYMORE.HOWEVER, AS LONG AS ENOUGH STRAIGHT PEOPLE OUT THERE STILL ASPIRE TO A STORYBOOK ENDG—OR, AT LEAST, AS LONG AS A STG DIRECTOR N RRAL A UPLE DOZEN NVENTNALLY ATTRACTIVE KSEY ZEROS TO A SGLE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA MANSN—THE BACHELOR IS ALWAYS GOG TO WORK, AS HAS FOR A MARATHON N OF 22 SEASONS.AS A CULTURAL ARTIFACT, THE 16-YEAR-LONG SUCCS OF THIS SHOW IS A TTAMENT TO THE STAYG POWER OF OUR HETERONORMATIVE FANTASI AROUND SEX AND DATG—FANTASI THAT, JUDGG BY THE SHOW’S ABYSMAL SUCCS RATE, DON’T SEEM TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY REAL LIFE.OVER AND OVER AGA, THIS YEAR CLUD, MY PARTNER AND I WATCH THE EPONYMO BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE DUMP NTTANTS WHO ACTUALLY HAVE PERSONALI—LIKE FAN FAVORE PETER KRS ON RACHEL LDSAY’S SEASON OR ARKANSAS GIRL TIA BOOTH, WHOM ARIE JT ELIMATED MONDAY NIGHT—AND PICK A BLAND WNER WHO LOOKS GOOD ON A GLOSSY MAGAZE VER, WHO FS SOME IALIZED NOTN OF WHAT A UPLE LOOKS LIKE.QUEER THEORISTS LREN BERLANT AND MICHAEL WARNER FED HETERONORMATIVY AS THE WAY WHICH HETEROSEXUALY HAS AN “VISIBLE, TAC, SOCIETY-FOUNDG RIGHTNS”—AND I N THK OF NO BETTER WAY TO ARTICULATE MY TRATN WH THE BACHELOR THAN TO SAY THAT THE SHOW’S HERO ALMOST ALWAYS PICK THE ASPIRG FIANCéE WHO SEEMS LIKE “THE RIGHT CHOICE,” NOT THE CHOICE THEY ACTUALLY WANT.NOT ALL STRAIGHT PEOPLE PICK THAT NORM-SATISFYG PATH, OF URSE. FORTUNATELY, THE VAST MAJORY OF MARRIED HETEROSEXUALS MY IEND CIRCLE LOOK NOTHG LIKE THE RDBOARD CUTOUT UPL THAT THE BACHELOR PRODUC—AND WHO GET BLOWN AWAY WH THE SLIGHTT GT OF WD ONCE THEY STEP OUT OF THE JACUZZI AND SPEND UNTERPTED TIME TOGETHER.INED, THE BACHELOR DON’T PTURE WHAT ’S ACTUALLY LIKE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL ANY MORE THAN A GAY MALE DRAG QUEEN PTUR THE SENCE OF WOMANHOOD. BUT THE BACHELOR IS PERHAPS HETEROSEXUALY’S RNIVAL MIRROR, AN IRRISTIBLE REFLECTN OF STRAIGHTNS S MOST HEIGHTENED AND NCENTRATED FORM.THROUGH THAT ARTFUL EXAGGERATN, THE BACHELOR REVEALS HETEROSEXUALY AS THE BETIFUL, THORNY, AGILE ROSE THAT IS—AND THAT’S ONE ROSE I WILL GLADLY KEEP ACCEPTG, WHETHER ’S TEND FOR ME OR NOT. SAMANTHA ALLEN
IT’S TIME FOR AN ACTUALLY GAY SEASON OF THE BACHELOR ALREADY
Other Bachelor stars have e out after their time on the show, cludg Elizabeth Corrigan, who me out as queer June; and Colton Unrwood, who me out as gay 2021 after starrg as The Bachelor‘s Season 23 lead.
WHY THE QUEER COMMUNY DON’T WANT NOR NEED ANOTHER “GAY BACHELOR”
“If you want the most dramatic season ever, do an LGBT versn, ” Bass told the outlet, addg, “I thk maybe ’s the time for The Bachelor to do a gay Bachelor.
In the meantime, Navarro and any others hopg for a queer Bachelor n always turn to Logo’s 2016 show Fdg Prce Charmg, which 13 gay men battled for the affectns of Robert Sepuvelda Jr.
His look, upled wh his ial ditn to Ken, mak one thg pafully clear: Allan is Barbie Land’s rint gay. So, like any good gay, he mak a n for . It’s a feelg to which any small-town gay leavg the homophobic halls of Bumfuck, Nowhere for the sparklg liberatn of New York or L.
PLEASE, NEVER MAKE AN LGBT ‘BACHELOR’WILTED ROSETHERE ARE LLS FOR ABC’S DATG SHOW TO FEATURE LGBT NTTANTS. BUT THIS IGNOR WHAT MAK THE SHOW SUCH A LIC WATCH THE FIRST PLACE—S HYPER-HETEROSEXUALY.SAMANTHA ALLENUPDATED MAR. 09, 2018 10:27PM EST OPNTHERE SHOULD NEVER BE A GAY “BACHELOR.”AND THERE PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE, BEE ONLY STRAIGHT PEOPLE SEEM TO BE WEIRD ENOUGH TO PARTICIPATE THE BACHELOR EN MASSE, YEAR AND YEAR OUT.SURE, WE’VE SEEN ATTEMPTS TO MAKE REALY DATG A QUEERER ENAVOR BEFORE, BUT THEY’VE BEEN SHORT-LIVED: MOST NOTABLY, A SHOT AT LOVE WH TILA TEQUILA, WHICH RAN FOR TWO SEASONS ON MTV THE LATE GHTS, AND LOGO’S FDG PRCE CHARMG, WHICH BUTED AND DIED 2016.BUT ’S PREDOMANTLY STRAIGHT PEOPLE OF EHER THE ASPIRG INSTAGRAM STAR OR GULLIBLE FAIRYTALE DREAMER VARIETY WHO WILL KEEP THE BACHELOR ANCHISE GOG WELL TO S GOLN YEARS. SO THAT’S WHY, EVERY TIME ANOTHER WRER LLS FOR AN LGBT BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE, DUC A SMIRK. THIS YEAR, ’S INSIR WRER LOUIS BARAGONA WHO, MENTG ON THE CLG RATGS FOR ARIE LUYENDYK JR.’S SEASON, ME TO THE NCLN THAT THE BACHELOR ANCHISE GOG QUEER WOULD BRG ABOUT “MUCH-NEED CHANGE THE BT TERTS OF BOTH THE WORK AND THE VIEWERS.”LET THE BACHELOR GROW OLD AND DIE WH LIGHTFUL DIGNY. ALTHOUGH ARIE’S SEASON MAY HAVE BEEN BORG THE BEGNG, THE RATGS FOR THE DRAMATIC TWO-PART FALE PROVED THAT THIS OLD DOG STILL HAS SOME LIFE LEFT .WHY WOULD I NEVER WANT TO SEE MYSELF OR MY FELLOW LGBT PEOPLE REPRENTED ON WHAT IS PERHAPS—IF I’M HONT AT THE EXPENSE OF MY SELF-RPECT—MY FAVORE TELEVISN SHOW?FOR ONE, WOULD WHAT I AND MOST OF MY QUEER IENDS ENJOY THE MOST ABOUT THE REALY SERI: WATCHG STRAIGHT PEOPLE BE AS STRAIGHT AS THEY N POSSIBLY BE. BARAGONA ARGUED—AND RIGHTLY SO—THAT “QUEER PEOPLE SERVE TO SEE THEMSELV AND THEIR RELATNSHIPS ACCURATELY, HONORABLY PORTRAYED ON SCREEN.” LIKE MANY LGBT MENTATORS, I HAVE ARGUED PASSNATELY FOR LGBT REPRENTATN HOLLYWOOD OVER THE YEARS. BUT THE BACHELOR IS MY SOLE EXCEPTN: I’M NOT WATCHG FOR REPRENTATN; I’M WATCHG BEE ’S A THEATRIL DISPLAY OF HYPER-HETEROSEXUALY.FOR ME, THE BACHELOR IS A SHOW ABOUT STRAIGHTNS THAT HAPPENS TO CLU DATG MORE THAN IS A SHOW ABOUT DATG THAT HAPPENS TO FEATURE STRAIGHT PEOPLE.AND TAK A SPECIAL KD OF STRAIGHTNS TO MAKE THE BACHELOR ANCHISE TICK. HOW STRANGE ARE SOME OF THE FOLKS WHO SIGN UP TO BE SEQUTERED A MANSN WHOUT TER FOR WEEKS ON END SO THAT THEY N POTENTIALLY GET ENGAGED TO SOMEONE AFTER TWO DAT? VERY. BRT, WHO APPEARED ON CHRIS SOUL’ THUDDGLY DULL SEASON, SLEPT A FULL FACE OF MAKP SO SHE ULD LOOK FLAWLS FIRST THG THE MORNG. J.P., WHO WON ASHLEY’S SEASON DISCLOSED TO YAHOO THAT HE “PROBABLY WORKED OUT SIX TO SEVEN DAYS EACH WEEK,” WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT A HUMAN SHOULD WORK OUT, IF ’S NOT TOO MUCH ALREADY. SO MANY OF THE NTTANTS LOOK INTIL, TOO: THE WOMEN HAVE LONG HAIR LOOSE WAV, THE MEN KEEP SHORT ON THE SIS, LONG ON THE TOP. THEY ARE A CLONE ARMY OF PETIVE DATERS, AND THAT IS PRECISELY THEIR APPEAL. THE BACHELOR GIV HETEROSEXUALY DISTILLED TO AN SENCE—ONE THAT I WANT TO JECT STRAIGHT TO MY VES.BUT APART OM THE BACHELOR POTENTIALLY LOSG S ENTERTAMENT VALUE THROUGH QUEER CLN, AN LGBT RNATN OF THE SHOW JT WOULDN’T WORK, NO MATTER WHICH DIRECTN—OR DIRECTNS— SWGS.THERE IS, AS MY DAILY BEAST LLEAGUE KEV FALLON NOTED HIS REVIEW OF FDG PRCE CHARMG, THE OBV AND FAMOLY PARODIED PROBLEM “THAT THE NTTANTS WOULD START FALLG LOVE WH—OR AT LEAST START HOOKG UP WH—EACH OTHER STEAD OF THE SUOR” IF THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE WERE GAY OR LBIAN AND THE NTTANTS WERE ALL OF THE SAME GENR. ALTHOUGH FALLON ARGU THAT THIS WOULD “MAKE THE SHOW ALL THE MORE ENTERTAG”—THERE’S NOTHG PRODUCERS ON THE SHOWS LOVE MORE THAN DRAMA—THE SHOW-NNERS STILL NEED TO BE ABLE TO CRAFT A HIVE STORYLE OUT OF THE CHAOS.IF YOU BELIEVE FORMER FDG PRCE CHARMG NTTANT ROBBY LARIVIERE, THE SHORT-LIVED LOGO SERI LARGELY AVOID HOOK-UPS BETWEEN THE ALL-MALE NTTANTS BEE “ WAS A HOE FULL OF BOTTOMS,” MEANG, FOR THE UNIATED REAR, LS DOMANT ROMANTIC PARTNERS. THAT’S WHAT LARIVIERE TOLD VULTURE LAST OCTOBER BUT, EVEN THEN, HE CLAIMS THAT TWO MEN ON THE SHOW “HOOKED UP ON THE FIRST NIGHT” AND THEN, ON THE SEND NIGHT, ONE OF THOSE SAME TWO NTTANTS “WAS MAKG THE MOVE ON” A DIFFERENT MAN.A SHOT AT LOVE WH TILA TEQUILA HAD A BISEXUAL LEAD MISS TEQUILA, BUT ST STRAIGHT MEN AND LBIAN WOMEN AS TWO SEPARATE HORTS OF NTTANTS. I WASN’T YET ADDICTED TO REALY TELEVISN BACK 2008, BUT ACRDG TO BUDDYTV WRER JOHN KUBICEK, THE PREMIERE OF SEASON TWO END WH TEQUILA THROWG OUT TWO OF THE WOMEN FOR MAKG OUT WH EACH OTHER. (“SURELY THE BT CHOICE FOR EACH OF [THE LBIANS] IS NOT TILA,” KUBICEK WRYLY MED. “WHY SHOULD THEY NY A STRONGER NNECTN IF THEY FD ?”)THE GIRLS ON ABC’S BACHELOR ALREADY ENGAGE SOME PRETTY TENSE HOMOSOCIAL BONDG AS IS. THE MOST RECENT “AFTER THE FAL ROSE” SPECIAL WAS PROOF OF THAT, WHAT WH FIVE GIRLS ALL CUDDLG UP AROUND NEWLY CROWNED BACHELORETTE BEC KU ON ONE LOVE SEAT, STG ON EACH OTHER’S LAPS, HOLDG EACH OTHER’S HANDS. THIS IS POWERFUL, “EXTG”-LEVEL CLOSENS, AND ’S PROBABLY ONLY DULGED SO FLAGRANTLY BEE THE WOMEN N RT ASSURED EACH OTHER’S STRAIGHTNS. IN A HOE FULL OF QUEER, BISEXUAL, AND LBIAN WOMEN, THAT HAND-HOLDG WOULD TAKE ON A DIFFERENT DIMENSN. IN FACT, THE ATRALIAN VERSN OF THE BACHELOR HAS ALREADY UNTENTNALLY PRODUCED ONE SAME-SEX RELATNSHIP BETWEEN FORMER NTTANTS MEGAN AND TIFFANY, ALTHOUGH THE PAIR HAVE SCE SPL, AND ATRALIAN BACHELOR WNER ALEX NATN SPL UP WH THE MAN WHO PROPOSED TO HER AND IS NOW ENGAGED TO A WOMAN.IMAGE ALL THE RELATNSHIPS THAT ULD POTENTIALLY FORM ON AN ALL-QUEER BACHELOR—’D BE FUN TO WATCH FOR AN EPISO, SURE, BUT WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL A SGLE OVERARCHG TALE THE WAY THAT SEEMS NECSARY TO STA VIEWER TERT OVER THE URSE OF A FEW MONTHS? THE PRODUCERS OF THE AMERIN VERSN HAVE GONE SO FAR AS TO ALLOW AN OPENLY BISEXUAL NTTANT, JAIMI KG, TO APPEAR THE ANCHISE, AND KG HAS SAID THAT THE SHOW IS “DABBLG” WH DIVERSY— BUT “DABBLE” IS ALL THE PRODUCERS OF THE BACHELOR WOULD LIKELY DO WHEN TO LGBT ISSU, LT THE SHOW GET OUT OF THEIR NTROL.WE SHOULDN’T LE OUT THE POSSIBILY THAT SOME TV EXECUTIVE SOMEWHERE ULD VISE A WNG FORMAT FOR AN LGBT-THEMED REALY DATG SERI—OR THAT, IF DONE RIGHT, ’D PROVI SOME MUCH-NEED REPRENTATN A MEDIUM THAT SEEMS TO PREFER KILLG OFF QUEER PEOPLE TO SHOWG THEM ALIVE AND LOVE. BUT THE BACHELOR ANCHISE WORKS BEE OF S OVER-PRODUCED RIGIDY—BEE FORC NTTANTS TO STAY BOX: STRAIGHT WOMEN (OR MEN) OVER HERE, ONE STRAIGHT MAN (OR WOMAN) OVER THERE. AND IF THERE’S ONE THG QUEER PEOPLE DON’T LIKE, ’S BEG BOXED . THE BACHELOR HAS FOUND A WNG FORMULA AND PEOPLE WHO LEAD UN-FORMULAIC LIV DON’T REALLY F TO , NOR WOULD MANY OF WANT TO.THAT’S WHY I’M HAPPY TO KEEP WATCHG THE STRAIGHT BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE SHOWS. I’LL TAKE ANOTHER UPLE S OF RELIABLE MONDAY NIGHT ENTERTAMENT OVER A RISKY QUEER REBOOT.BACK 2014, WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE IA OF SHOWG SAME-SEX LOVE ON THE BACHELOR, CHRIS HARRISON TOLD THE NEW YORK TIM MAGAZE: “LOOK, YOU’VE BEEN MAKG PIZZAS FOR 12 YEARS AND YOU’VE MA LNS OF DOLLARS AND EVERYBODY LOV YOUR PIZZAS AND SOMEONE AND SAYS, ‘HEY, YOU SHOULD MAKE HAMBURGERS.’ WHY? I HAVE A GREAT BS MOL, AND I DON’T KNOW IF HAMBURGERS ARE GOG TO SELL.”I LOVE HAMBURGERS. I THK, ACRDG TO HARRISON’S ANALOGY, I AM A HAMBURGER. BUT PLEASE, LET ME WATCH MY PIZZAS PEACE. IF WE’RE LOOKG FOR MORE LGBT REPRENTATN ON TV, THERE ARE BETTER ROWS TO HOE THAN THE BACHELOR. SAMANTHA ALLEN
Once aga exhibg classic gay behavr, Allan fds refuge among the women.
“I’m gay, ” he told anchor Rob Roberts, shaken though visibly relieved. I’m hant to ame Unrwood’s g out as some kd of signifint “gay first”, given how such narrativ often end up portrayg LGBTQ+ people as new, as if we haven’t been here the whole time.
A QUEER LOVE LETTER TO ‘THE BACHELOR’S’ SPECTACLE OF STRAIGHTNSWILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE?THE LONG-NNG REALY DATG SERI IS A REFLECTN OF STRAIGHTNS S MOST HEIGHTENED FORM—SO WONRFULLY EXAGGERATED AND MPY, PEOPLE OF ALL ORIENTATNS N ENJOY .SAMANTHA ALLENUPDATED FEB. 21, 2018 3:30AM EST PHOTO ILLTRATN BY SARAH ROGERS/THE DAILY BEASTWHEN STRAIGHT IENDS ASK WHY A QUEER WOMAN LIKE ME WOULD OBSSIVELY WATCH THE BACHELOR—AND PLENTY OF THEM DO ED SEEM MYSTIFIED BY MY VOTN TO THAT VERABLE TV TEMPLE OF HETERONORMATIVY—I OFFER A SIMPLE EXPLANATN.“I WATCH THE BACHELOR,” I SAY, “FOR THE SAME REASON THAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE WATCH DRAG.”WHEREAS DRAG SHOWS PARODY GENR, ABC’S LONG-NNG REALY DATG SERI PROVIS A PASTICHE OF HETEROSEXUAL DATG RUALS THAT IS SO WONRFULLY EXAGGERATED, SO MPY, THAT PEOPLE OF ALL ORIENTATNS N ENJOY . AND I DON’T JT ENJOY THE BACHELOR; I LOVE .I LOVE HOW ALL THE WOMEN ON THE SHOW SPORT THE EXACT SAME MILLENNIAL STEPFORD WIFE HAIRDO—A STYLE BT SCRIBED BY RACKED’S JULIA RUB AS “STRAIGHT-UP-TOP, LOOSE-CURLS-ON-BOTTOM” THAT I HAVE WORN EXACTLY ONCE WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN DID MY HAIR. I LOVE HOW ANY NTTANT WH A SEMBLANCE OF A HOBBY—LIKE THIS SEASON’S KENDALL, WHO DO TAXIRMY—GETS BRAND AS “QUIRKY” OR “WEIRD” FOR MTG THE CRIME OF ACTUALLY RG ABOUT SOMETHG.I LOVE HOW THE RICH PLEXY OF HUMAN URTSHIP GETS RCED TO A TIRED SCRIPT FULL OF PHEMISMS THAT ARE REPEATED AD NSEAM: FIRST “CHEMISTRY,” THEN A “REAL NNECTN,” THEN “FALLG” FOR EACH OTHER, AND, FALLY, A PROPOSAL—UNLS, OF URSE, SOMEONE ISN’T THERE FOR “THE RIGHT REASONS” OR THEY’RE NOT “READY FOR MARRIAGE.”MOST OF ALL, I LOVE THE HYPOCRISY OF ALL THE POTENTIAL BACHELOR UPL TALKG ABOUT SHARG “THE SAME VALU” ALL SEASON LONG—THEN HEADG OFF TO THE GLORIFIED BREEDG SHED THAT IS THE SO-LLED “FANTASY SUE” THE SHOW’S FAL HOURS. (DON’T WORRY—I’M SURE THEY JT STAY UP ALL NIGHT PARG THEIR “VALU” ON THOSE PETAL-VERED BEDS.)WATCHG THE BACHELOR IS LIKE BEG ON AN AMEMENT PARK RI LED WH ANIMATRONIC FIGUR WHOSE HETEROSEXUALY DIALS HAVE BEEN TURNED UP TO 11. THEY ARE OVERCLOCKED, OPERATG WELL BEYOND THEIR FACTORY SETTGS, AND WHEN THEY BREAK DOWN—WHICH THEY OFTEN DO—THERE IS NOTHG MORE CHAOTILLY BETIFUL.TO BE CLEAR, I NNOT RELATE AT ALL TO CHRIS HARRISON’S TELEVISED UPLG EMPIRE. I MET MY WIFE AN INDIANA SEX LIBRARY, FOR STARTERS, AND WE NEVER REALLY “DATED” SO MUCH AS WE JT STARTED HANGG OUT WH EACH OTHER AND NEVER STOPPED. BACHELOR NTTANTS OFTEN MAKE A BIG TO-DO ABOUT DISCLOSG THEIR PAST PERSONAL TRMAS; FOR , THAT TALK HAPPENED AS A SIMPLE MATTER OF URSE WH A DAY OF MEETG.NOR DO THE SHOW OFFER MY PARTNER AND I ANYTHG APPROACHG WISH FULFILLMENT—APART OM THE P AMOUNTS OF TERNATNAL TRAVEL. NEHER OF WANT TO BE PRETTY WOMAN-ED LIKE BEC K. WAS THIS SEASON; THAT FANTASY IS JT NOT OUR PSYCHE.REALY TELEVISN BEARS ONLY A PASSG REMBLANCE TO REALY, OF URSE—AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF STRAIGHT PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY DON’T SEE MUCH OF THEMSELV THE BACHELOR—BUT THERE AREN’T EVEN SHAS OF OUR EXPERIENC OR SIR REFLECTED THE SHOW. BUT BEG ABLE TO PERSONALLY NNECT TO THE BACHELOR ISN’T THE REASON MY PARTNER AND I NSIR THE WEEKLY ADVENTUR OF ARIE LUYENDYK JR. TO BE APPOTMENT VIEWG—AND WHY I AM CURRENTLY HOOKED TO THE BIZARRE OLYMPICS-THEMED BACHELOR WTER GAM SP-OFF. WE WATCH THE SHOW FOR THE SHEER SPECTACLE OF STRAIGHTNS—FOR WHAT MY WIFE LLS THE “MOCK THEATER” OF HETERONORMATIVY. AND WE ARE FAR OM THE ONLY LGBT FANS OF THE BACHELOR WHO TUNE FOR THIS PRECISE REASON.“MY STRAIGHT HBAND HAT , I THK, MOSTLY BEE OF THE GARISH UGLY SPECTACLE MAK OF ATTRACTN AND RELATNSHIPS BETWEEN A MAN AND AN ARMY OF DISRDABLE WOMEN, BUT I THK MAYBE THAT’S WHY I LIKE ?” ONE BISEXUAL FEMALE IEND TOLD ME. “THE SHOW’S WHOLE IA OF HETEROSEXUAL PATIBILY AND MARRIAGE IS SO GAWK-ABLY BIZARRE.”“I LIKE WATCHG THE EXAGGERATED VERSN OF STRAIGHTNS THAT I GREW UP TERNALIZG,” A QUEER TRANSGENR MALE IEND TOLD ME. “IT’S HALF JT ENTERTAG, HALF A WAY TO ACCS THE REMNANTS OF A HETERONORMATIVY THAT I TRIED MY WHOLE LIFE TO N AWAY OM—BUT THAT WAS SO STRONGLY FORCED ON ME THAT WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME.”ANOTHER IEND—A BISEXUAL, FEMIST WOMAN—PARTICIPAT REGULAR VIEWGS OF THE BACHELOR WH HER QUEER IENDS AND EVEN JOED A BACHELOR-THEMED FANTASY LEAGUE.“WHEN I WATCH THE BACHELOR, I DON’T THK I VIEW THE WAY A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE TEND TO,” SHE ADMTED. “MY IENDS, CLUDG OTHER QUEER FOLKS, PILE TOGETHER ON A UCH OR A BIASTAL TEXT THREAD AND CREATE MUNY AROUND LGHG AT CIS[GENR] STRAIGHT NONSENSE.”“WE DON’T SEE A FAIRYTALE UNFOLDG,” SHE ADD, “WE SEE A DUMPSTER FIRE TCHG WAYS SO ABSURD, THE ONLY THG YOU N DO IS LGH.”MY WIFE’S FAVORE PART OF THE SHOW ALSO HAS NOTHG TO DO WH CHEERG FOR THE ROMANTIC HOPEFULS TO FD LOVE; SHE LIK “WATCHG THE SISTERHOOD VELOP BEYOND THE EDG” BETWEEN THE FEMALE NTTANTS—THE “HANDHOLDG, WIPG OF TEARS, JOK, HUGGG, SLY GIGGLG, AND HEART-TO-HEARTS HAD WHILE THE BACHELOR IS AWAY.”THE BACHELOR SELF DON’T EXPLICLY VE THIS SUBVERSIVE LGBT DIENCE. MOST OBVLY, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN AN OPENLY LBIAN, GAY, OR BISEXUAL STAR OF THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE—WHICH MEANS LTLE HOPE OF SEEG SAME-SEX LOVE ONSCREEN.THE SERI HAS ALSO DULGED A FAIR B OF HOMOPHOBIA, BIPHOBIA, AND TRANSPHOBIA, EVEN RECENT YEARS, LIKE 2015 WHEN TWO MALE PETORS VELOPED A STRONG IENDSHIP THAT WAS TEASED AS A POTENTIAL ROMANCE, OR MAY 2017 WHEN THE ABC WEBSE PUBLISHED A MENT BY A BACHELORETTE NTTANT WHO SAID HIS BIGGT DATE FEAR WOULD BE THAT “THE CHICK IS ACTUALLY A DU,” OR THE SUMMER OF 2017 WHEN THE FIRST OPENLY BISEXUAL NTTANT WAS NOTICEABLY TOKENIZED ON BACHELOR PARADISE.(ABC LATER REMOVED THE “CHICK IS ACTUALLY A DU” MENT, AS THE WRAP REPORTED.)THE BACHELOR STILL SEEMS TO TAKE PLACE A UNIVERSE WHERE QUEER PEOPLE DON’T EXIST—NOT THE REAL WORLD, WHERE SOMETHG LIKE SEVEN PERCENT OF LENNIALS ARE LGBT.BUT THIS IS ONE AREA WHICH I’M CIDLY NOT LOOKG FOR CREASED LGBT MEDIA REPRENTATN. I WOULD FELY LIKE TO SEE ABC IMPROVE THE SHOW’S RACIAL DIVERSY—STEAD OF BELIEVG THAT RACHEL LDSAY’S SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE N ATONE FOR ALL OF THE SHOW’S UNRELENTG WHENS. WHEN TO MATTERS OF QUEERNS, THOUGH, I SAY, PLEASE, GOD, LET THE BACHELOR REMA ROLUTELY THE PAST. THE SHOW’S OUTDATED, ALMOST PRIMEVAL PORTRAYAL OF HETEROSEXUALY IS EXACTLY WHAT MAK SUCH PELLG VIEWG. IT ONLY BOLSTERS MY SE THAT PREV ATTEMPTS TO IMATE THE BACHELOR FORMAT WH AN ALL-GAY ST HAVE BEEN DISASTRO, AS MY DAILY BEAST LLEAGUE KEV FALLON HAS NOTED.“ONE UPSI TO BEG IGNORED BY THE DATG SHOW CRAZE HAS BEEN PG THE SACCHARE FAIRY-TALE NARRATIVE,” FALLON WROTE, HIS REVIEW OF THE SHORT-LIVED LOGO SERI FDG PRCE CHARMG.QUEER LIV DON’T TYPILLY F THE TEMPLATE PROVID BY THE BACHELOR, AND ’S PROBABLY FUTILE TO TRY SHOVG OUR ROUND PEGS TO A STRAIGHT DATG SHOW’S SQUARE HOL—AT LEAST AS SUCH SHOWS ARE PRENTLY NSTUTED. AS MY BISEXUAL FEMIST IEND NOTED, IF THERE WERE A VERSN OF THE BACHELOR THAT “ACCURATELY PORTRAYED THE DIVERSY, PLEXY, AND HUMANY OF LGBTQ PEOPLE LOOKG FOR LOVE,” THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC—BUT IF THAT WERE THE SE, THE SHOW “WOULDN’T BE THE BACHELOR” ANYMORE.HOWEVER, AS LONG AS ENOUGH STRAIGHT PEOPLE OUT THERE STILL ASPIRE TO A STORYBOOK ENDG—OR, AT LEAST, AS LONG AS A STG DIRECTOR N RRAL A UPLE DOZEN NVENTNALLY ATTRACTIVE KSEY ZEROS TO A SGLE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA MANSN—THE BACHELOR IS ALWAYS GOG TO WORK, AS HAS FOR A MARATHON N OF 22 SEASONS.AS A CULTURAL ARTIFACT, THE 16-YEAR-LONG SUCCS OF THIS SHOW IS A TTAMENT TO THE STAYG POWER OF OUR HETERONORMATIVE FANTASI AROUND SEX AND DATG—FANTASI THAT, JUDGG BY THE SHOW’S ABYSMAL SUCCS RATE, DON’T SEEM TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY REAL LIFE.OVER AND OVER AGA, THIS YEAR CLUD, MY PARTNER AND I WATCH THE EPONYMO BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE DUMP NTTANTS WHO ACTUALLY HAVE PERSONALI—LIKE FAN FAVORE PETER KRS ON RACHEL LDSAY’S SEASON OR ARKANSAS GIRL TIA BOOTH, WHOM ARIE JT ELIMATED MONDAY NIGHT—AND PICK A BLAND WNER WHO LOOKS GOOD ON A GLOSSY MAGAZE VER, WHO FS SOME IALIZED NOTN OF WHAT A UPLE LOOKS LIKE.QUEER THEORISTS LREN BERLANT AND MICHAEL WARNER FED HETERONORMATIVY AS THE WAY WHICH HETEROSEXUALY HAS AN “VISIBLE, TAC, SOCIETY-FOUNDG RIGHTNS”—AND I N THK OF NO BETTER WAY TO ARTICULATE MY TRATN WH THE BACHELOR THAN TO SAY THAT THE SHOW’S HERO ALMOST ALWAYS PICK THE ASPIRG FIANCéE WHO SEEMS LIKE “THE RIGHT CHOICE,” NOT THE CHOICE THEY ACTUALLY WANT.NOT ALL STRAIGHT PEOPLE PICK THAT NORM-SATISFYG PATH, OF URSE. FORTUNATELY, THE VAST MAJORY OF MARRIED HETEROSEXUALS MY IEND CIRCLE LOOK NOTHG LIKE THE RDBOARD CUTOUT UPL THAT THE BACHELOR PRODUC—AND WHO GET BLOWN AWAY WH THE SLIGHTT GT OF WD ONCE THEY STEP OUT OF THE JACUZZI AND SPEND UNTERPTED TIME TOGETHER.INED, THE BACHELOR DON’T PTURE WHAT ’S ACTUALLY LIKE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL ANY MORE THAN A GAY MALE DRAG QUEEN PTUR THE SENCE OF WOMANHOOD. BUT THE BACHELOR IS PERHAPS HETEROSEXUALY’S RNIVAL MIRROR, AN IRRISTIBLE REFLECTN OF STRAIGHTNS S MOST HEIGHTENED AND NCENTRATED FORM.THROUGH THAT ARTFUL EXAGGERATN, THE BACHELOR REVEALS HETEROSEXUALY AS THE BETIFUL, THORNY, AGILE ROSE THAT IS—AND THAT’S ONE ROSE I WILL GLADLY KEEP ACCEPTG, WHETHER ’S TEND FOR ME OR NOT. SAMANTHA ALLEN
“The media that make visible simultaneoly obscure our prence history by ntually amg trans people [and, this stance wh Unrwood, gay people] as new, as a morn, medilized phenomenon only now g to light, ” wrer and artist Man M Page wrote 2017.