Gay Sex Ed: Toppg and Bottomg 101

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* HOW TO BE A GAY TOP

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class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--cm-riser"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="SpaceHolr-oayp fXtswJ ad-height-hold"></div><div class="StickyHeroAdWrapper-eNLJUc gStsdY ad-stickyhero ad-stickyhero--standard ad-stickyhero-enable-mobile should-hold-space"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--hero"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--hero" data-no-id="7hhv3t"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-hero" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-hero"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="SpaceHolr-oayp fXtswJ ad-height-hold"></div><ma id="ma-ntent" tabx="-1" class="BasePageMaContent-kFvAuh ewPCZH page__ma-ntent"><article class="article ma-ntent" lang="en-US"><div class="ArticlePageLeBackground-EufvU tFsh"><hear class="ContentHearWrapper-clujbs kaZCaf ntent-hear article__ntent-hear"><div data-ttid="ContentHearContaer" class="ContentHearContaer-cGKRbE knDxNq"><div class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp cCntXd"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT eRFpQc"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kpuNXj bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fTtYjx bric__lk" href="/culture"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Culture</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd jPOabC BjYFU">It’s Time to Take Your Temperature on Toppg and Bottomg</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB etVsnJ ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearDek-bIqFFZ eASNBN">Top? Bottom? Vers? Some batn of the above? Here’s how to figure out what’s right for you.</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH gtxxjM byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd fhQbnq dzFUnH eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/alim-kheraj">Alim Kheraj</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2018-06-07T08:00:00-04:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd ivrQAn cZpOSL">June 7, 2018</time></div></div><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--standard ContentHearAccredatnSocialIns-jorO fPzfaa ntent-hear__social-share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP fEknXh lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc Grck lead-asset--width-fullbleed" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz ccdiSo"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="This image may nta Magnifyg" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE dVZQpq ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN XczIg"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd cdsJgg fNaHcW ptn__cred">Illtratn by Alicia Tatone</span></div></div></figure></div></div><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR oEIBz persistent-asi persistent-asi--align-left" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jNgrSF sticky-box ContentHearPersistentAsi-fsnAmQ dFzKzm"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--has-background ContentHearSocialIns-jzJiyg ctaZl social-ins--share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kJkLmH article-body__ntent"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP eRxRjL"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eOdfIs"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>Legend would have you believe that once you’ve earned your gay rd, a <em>Harry Potter</em>–like ceremony occurs where, stead of the Sortg Hat, a giant magil butt plug divis all gay men to two ho: tops or bottoms.</p><p>This is clearly not the se, pecially for those people who nsir themselv versatile (<em>HIYA</em>). But often, perative sex n feel divid to rigid bari that make beg a top or a bottom seem like a cult you’ve signed up to for life, and one that you have to clare as soon as two (or more) nsentg men ci to take their cloth off and b up agast each other. The two subdivisns have their own l, stereotyp, and -jok, and n sometim seem as if they’re at war wh each other, rather than both workg together for mutual sexual pleasure.</p><p>All of this n make tryg different thgs dntg, pecially if you’re a baby gay venturg to this world for the first time. But ought not to be impossible to sexually swch thgs up. Sure, people have a preference, but now uld be the perfect time to pe the top or bottom prison you live . So, wh the help of some experts, let’s take a moment to dismantle what you thk you know about toppg and bottomg. It uld open up a world of possibili.</p><hr/><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4">It’s time to disver what works for you</div><p>Human begs are very good at tryg somethg once and cidg fely that we don’t like . In the se of anal sex, this is ually bee of an experience om when we were young and hadn’t que realized the importance of lube (<em>USE LOTS OF LUBE</em>). So how do you go about ttg new waters?</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>“I believe what I ll takg your erotic temperature,” explas Woody Miller, the thor of the books <em>How to Bottom Like a Porn Star</em> and <em>How to Top Like a Stud</em>, “which is basilly havg a nversatn wh yourself about what is you like.”</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>Miller argu that gay men should exame their relatnship wh power. Where do you align when to beg domant or submissive? One way to qutn this, he poss, is to approach somethg other than perative sex.</p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="s22zc"></div></div><p>“Look at kissg,” he says. “If you iated the kiss, you're the domant one. If you received the kiss, you're the submissive one. There is no aspect of sex that don't have, at s re, an aspect of power. So part of the thg that you have to ask yourself is, 'What am I fortable wh? Do I like iatg sex? Do I like tellg my partner what to do, or do I like beg told what to do?’ ”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>What’s important is that there might not be a right or wrong answer to this. You might like takg your r for a service jt as much as servicg yourself. That’s part of the fun, right?</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4">Realize what’s stoppg you om experimentg</div><p>Clearly, if you’ve tried toppg and bottomg a few tim and figured out which of them is for you, that’s great. But I believe that many gay men pick one si, stick to , and that some of those dividuals choose toppg—you’ll have seen their profil markg them as “masc dom tops” on the apps—bee of s ti to tradnal masculy.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="4a8xfa"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="p8lafa"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>As Miller explas, there are outsi forc that, datg back to the ancient Greeks, have prevented gay men om tly diggg to what sexual behavrs we might actually enjoy. “What I mean by that,” he says, “is that cultural forc wh the gay muny prize toppg over bottomg.”</p><p>The ongog fetishizatn of masculy means that the tradnally submissive role of the bottom is associated wh effemacy. “Wh bottomg there is the perceptn that you're givg up your masculy bee receivg a penis is somethg that women do,” Miller adds.</p><p>Dr. Chris Whe, an expert health promotn and the director and prcipal vtigator of the Safe and Supportive Schools Project at the Gay-Straight Alliance Network San Francis, tak this one step further. “If you're a bottom, you’re sometim seen as a slut,” he says. “You don't ever hear tops beg lled sluts, jt bottoms. So there's some shamg there. And 's feme type shamg, as well. Not only are you sayg that 's more mascule to be a top, but you're sayg that you should be ashamed to be a bottom.”</p><p>Basilly, uld be time to serly check yourself and ask exactly why you don’t like bottomg (or toppg, TBH). If you believe that toppg is preferable bee don’t threaten your masculy, then have a strong word wh yourself. Siarly, if you’re a bottom-only queen, ask yourself why. Not gettg fucked don’t make you any ls gay.</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4">Your sexual posn isn’t your inty</div><p>Let’s ll bullsh on the ncept that if two people are tops they’re patible, bee the posns that you enjoy don’t fe who you are. “I thk that's part of the problem. We've lerally ma inti out of sexual posns,” Miller says. “It’s a sexual thought prison.”</p><p>Of urse, if someone knows that they only really enjoy one aspect of peratn, then let’s not disunt that. But as wh everythg sexual, the thgs are ually on a spectm that is often ntextual. “It n change pendg on where you are your life, how old you are, how f you're feelg, and what you're the mood for,” Whe says. “If you thk about people's everyday behavrs, I don't know if there's a difference between someone who acts or across as more mascule and the role that they play sex. We like to pretend that there are, but they're not necsarily te.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>Sure, clarg a preference if you’re on the hunt for a quickie will save time and energy, but don’t get all ught up labels. There’s really not an eternal sparklg srlet letter markg you wh a “T” or a “B.”</p><div role="headg" aria-level="4" class="headg-h4">To be (fucked) or not to be (fucked) shouldn’t always be the qutn</div><p>Acrdg to a 2011 study by <em>The Journal of Sexual Medice</em> that surveyed 25,000 gay men Ameri about their last sexual enunters, only 36 percent said they had bottomed and 34 percent said they had topped.</p><p>So, realy, we’re not actually fuckg all that much. It mak turng someone down if they don’t match your preference, pecially if ’s jt for a one-off, even more prepostero. “We seem to place more psychologil importance on anal sex than physil importance, bee we're not dog that often,” Miller says. “So why are we makg such a big al out of ?”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="k9yqu"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div data-ttid="TagCloudWrapper" class="TagCloudWrapper-gGgndx izEVNC ContentFooterTagCloud-krQmRG ZLGh"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudSectnHear-cOforY iUEiRd dUgcfE kQQRmu">Related Stori for GQ</span><a href="/about/entertament" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd fhQbnq iGlBER hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd 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