Gay men’s stori of monogamy and non-monogamy: change, flexibily and tensns | aidsmap

Contents:

• A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE
• NEGOTIATG GAY MEN'S RELATNSHIPS: HOW ARE MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EXPERIENCED AND PRACTISED OVER TIME?
• GAY MEN MONOGAMO RELATNSHIPS: WHAT WORKS?
• GAY MEN’S STORI OF MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY: CHANGE, FLEXIBILY AND TENSNS
• SEXUAL AGREEMENTS AMONG GAY MALE COUPL

A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE

I had the opportuny to talk wh psychotherapist and thor Michael Dale Kimmel about his new book, The Gay Man's Gui to Open and Monogamo Marriage. MDK: I began offerg workshops for gay, bisexual, and transgenr men about eighteen years’ ago, and after a uple of years there were always a few guys who me up to me and said ( whispered ton), “You’ve got to put this stuff a book. While there are lots of books about how to plan your gay weddg, there were virtually none that addrs what to do after the honeymoon is over (lerally and figuratively).

The Gay Man’s Gui to Open and Monogamo Marriage dar to ask the qutn: is monogamy or an open relatnship (or a batn of both) the bt way to stcture your marriage?

Same-sex marriage has been a long time g – a few thoand years or so - and now that ’s fally here, many gay, bisexual and transgenr men may thk that ’s a bad ia to “rock the boat” by discsg the kds of ias that this book prents.

NEGOTIATG GAY MEN'S RELATNSHIPS: HOW ARE MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EXPERIENCED AND PRACTISED OVER TIME?

I believe that now is the perfect time to qutn what gay marriage n, should and will be, while is still relatively new, h and malleable. While marriage wasn’t a possibily then, the qutns those workshops were basilly the same as those this book: as gay men, do we choose the monogamy of heterosexual marriage as our mol, or do we prefer an open marriage? As a psychotherapist for gay upl for many years’ now, ’s been que clear to me that “handbooks” for heterosexual marriage don’t really apply to our marriag several signifint ways: our marriag are more “signed” than “assumed.

I wrote the chapter about “refg genr rol, " bee we have an amazg opportuny as married gay men to terme who we are as two men, married to each other. This book enurag everyone, not jt gay men, to take a good look at that formidable stutn and beg to ask some big, meangful qutns, like:. The are not jt qutns for gay upl, they are qutns for all upl: my polyamoro straight clients are alg wh the very same stuff.

I’ve seen this kd of relatnship many of the gay marriag – both open and monogamo - that I’ve had the pleasure to work wh. This appears to acknowledge the lack of nversatn and openns amongst upl—gay or straight—that leads to a pture the relatnship and exs om timacy. I’ve noticed that for gay male relatnships, cheatg has ls of a negative impact than for heterosexuals—or even lbians, for that matter.

GAY MEN MONOGAMO RELATNSHIPS: WHAT WORKS?

My ncern is that gay men may thk that cheatg is a “natural” part of any gay relatnship and therefore, a foregone ncln—which is not the se. Gay male upl often report that what works bt for them is to engage sexual enunters based on sexual attractn only and not emotns or affectn.

I’ve heard upl, gay and straight, voice their anxiety that their partner liked the other person more, enjoyed some sexual behavr om the other person more, and so on. This paper -pth terviews wh 61 Atralian gay men to explore how monogamy and non-monogamy are experienced over time, expectatns of what nstut the norms regardg gay men's relatnships and how upl experience and practic change. Although some gay men may ialise monogamy, particularly at the begng of a relatnship, is often experienced as temporary.

Non-monogamy is often seen as a likely prospect for gay relatnships owg to the social and cultural norms that operate gay muni. The fdgs shed light on how gay men approach change to the stat of 'fily' wh their relatnships, and the tensns and opportuni that change n produce for upl. The realy, acrdg to good rearch, is that hundreds of thoands of gay men long term relatnships are enjoyg sexually satisfyg monogamo relatnships.

GAY MEN’S STORI OF MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY: CHANGE, FLEXIBILY AND TENSNS

You’ll fd them volunteerg at gay muny anizatns, fdg spiratn at gay cultural events, or buildg their skills at gay recreatnal or tnal clubs.

People satisfyg monogamo relatnships don't have reason to be I speak to gay men who are satisfyg monogamo relatnships, they're never angered. The guys are ually *, a gay man I terviewed, supports this notn; he thks open-relatnship shamg is a matter of projectn. The angry gay men are homonormative my experience, the gay men vehemently opposed to open/poly life tend to be the same men who thk bisexualy is a steppg stone to gay and that beg transgenr is a mental illns; men who don't see the value the word "queer" and don't believe gays should be supportg the Black Liv Matter movement.

However, as one gay man I terviewed, Noah, said, "I also thk that (whe) gay men's attus on polyamory are shaped very heavily by our succsful assiatn to mastream culture. Remember, one of the most wispread arguments agast gay marriage was that would lead down a slippery slope towards legalizatn of polygamy and other 'viant' (read: alternative) relatnship stctur.

SEXUAL AGREEMENTS AMONG GAY MALE COUPL

"Though Noah said he hasn't faced direct discrimatn, he mentned that a growg number of gay men refe to date him bee they thk, "I am herently unable to give them the level of timacy that they crave or the level of mment that they sire. Wh assiatn to more mastream culture and the acquirement of rights, cludg that to marry, many gay men are shiftg their attus on non-tradnal relatnships--beg ls acceptg of all of that said, I still n't help but see the irony a gay man criqug how someone else lov. And if love do nquer all, which I believe all gay and queer men believe, then we, as a muny, need to be supportive of other queer men.

Instead of buyg to this borg, opprsive, homonormative gay culture, or losg our sense of openns as we ntue to assiate to the heteronormative mastream, I'd like to see gay men expand their notn of what gay is, what love is, and what a relatnship is. Jt bee a certa non-tradnal relatnship style wouldn't be our first choice, don't mean n't be the ial relatnship style for our gay brothers. We're not only beg arrogant and close-md; we're begng to sound a lot like the Republins who work so hard to take away our if you're one of those gay men who are vehemently opposed to every type of relatnship but monogamy, I ask you to ask yourself: "Why?