MY 14 YEAR OLD GAY SON IS SEEING A 17 YEAR OLD

Contents:

• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• GAY YOUTH COMG OUT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL
• THE DIGAL SEX LIV OF YOUNG GAY TEENAGERS
• GAY KIDS COMG OUT YOUNGER, BUT PARENTS ASK "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
• GAY AND BISEXUAL ADOLCENT BOYS' PERSPECTIV ON PARENT-ADOLCENT RELATNSHIPS AND PARENTG PRACTIC RELATED TO TEEN SEX AND DATG
• I’M 14, I’M GAY & I WANT A BOYIEND
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• MY 14 YEAR OLD GAY SON IS SEEING A 17 YEAR OLD

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups.

The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life.

GAY YOUTH COMG OUT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL

I mean, one of the tertg thgs that we have to look at is this, is that much of the anti-gay bullyg and anti-gay harassment that's gog on middle schools and high school is more about genr non-nformy than really is about beg gay or lbian. Is that beg gay or lbian is still enough of a pariah inty that parents want to take off the table as long as they n, or is jt that parents really feel that all kids are sexualized too early the days, and they don't want their kids at this age thkg about, you know, hookg up? So was really - and a lot of parents, when they heard their kid, their 12-, 13-, 14-year-old say, you know, I'm gay, or I'm bisexual, or I'm lbian, they tomatilly went to oh my god, that means he's havg sex, when realy wasn't about that at all.

DENIZET-LEWIS: I thk that there's no doubt that sort of as you have more posive portrayals and, I would say, accurate portrayals of gay and lbian life the media, and kids n go onle and fd all kds of rourc, that there's no doubt that that's gog to have an effect on kids, and that they're gog to possibly e out earlier bee of that. What I thk that the more posive portrayals popular culture has done is 's ma a ltle b safer for kids who do feel that they're gay or lbian to be able to e to their parents or school unselor and talk about the issu, which I thk is a real step forward bee for many years, kids who had same-sex attractn or were nfed, they uldn't talk to anyone about .

THE DIGAL SEX LIV OF YOUNG GAY TEENAGERS

So, you know, nsequently I sort of went nial mo, which is what a lot of gay kids have done for many years, and then my early 20s and mid-20s and late 20s, as many gay men do who don't e out until late, we sort of try to relive our gay adolcence that we weren't allowed to live. And so what's remarkable, now, is I thk we're gog to see, as more and more kids e out younger and are sort of able to have a normal adolcence the sense that, you know, I talked to kids who were havg arguments wh their parents about gog on dat when they're 15 or 16 or 17 or gog to the prom or sort of, you know, havg their normal adolcence, I thk 's gog to create an entirely different kd of gay and lbian adult the next 10, 20, 30 years. They have failed to protect mors, who simply have to subtract a few years om their birth date to create a om the Centers for Disease Control and Preventn and a new study The Journal of Adolcent Health together suggt that roughly one four gay and bisexual boys aged 14 to 17 the Uned Stat are on gay hookup apps signed for adults (Grdr, Scff, Jack’d, Adam4Adam).

Parents also need to stay lm, so that the kids feel fortable g back to them if they ever end up a bad suatn, like if a sry stranger won’t stop a society, we have failed to create enough spac for gay youth to thrive, phg them onle and unrground. " He explas, That's not to say that gay teenagers didn't still suffer harassment at school or rejectn at home, but many seemed ls burned wh shame and self-loathg than their olr gay peers. Gog onle broke through the isolatn that had been a hallmark of beg young and gay, and allowed gay teenagers to fd rmatn to refute what their fai or church sometim still told them - namely, that they would never fd happs and to the Inter and to creasg cultural acceptance of homosexualy (an crease marred, we should note, by measur like Proposn 8), kids who might once have waed until high school or even llege to e out are now dog so earlier.

" They were not, however, silent: "Good luck gettg middle-schoolers not to talk, " the school unselor youth of the Webster kids and other gay middle-schoolers is a sign of how far gay rights have e — but 's also the kids' biggt obstacle to acceptance. The irony of a parent spectg her kid is gay and then refg to believe he uld know his own orientatn highlights how much more difficulty some parents have wh burgeong gay sexualy than they would wh a straight kid's of this may have to do wh the misnceptn that you have to have gay terurse to be gay, or that homosexualy is somehow a more "sexual" orientatn than heterosexualy. A lawyer Florida argued that gay-straight allianc promote the "premature sexualizatn of the stunts, " and when At started a gay-straight alliance, his Michigan school ma him ll somethg "ls ntroversial" (he chose "Peace Alliance").

GAY KIDS COMG OUT YOUNGER, BUT PARENTS ASK "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

Denizet-Lewis reports the hopeful words of velopmental psychologist Rch Sav-Williams: "This is the first generatn of gay kids who have the great joy of beg able to argue wh their parents about datg, jt like their straight peers do. For gay/bisexual youth, parental relatnships n have profound impacts on sexual inty velopment, the abili to form and mata secure relatnships, and health out (Cook & Calebs, 2016; Rosar, 2015). Given that parent-adolcent relatnships are often straed for gay/bisexual youth (Floyd, Ste, Harter, Allison, & Nye, 1999; Mtanski, Newb, & Garofalo, 2011; Ryan et al., 2009; Sav-Williams, 2003), parents of gay/bisexual youth may be ls likely to talk about sex, pecially if they feel unknowledgeable about or unfortable wh same-sex sexualy.

Further, most parents of gay/bisexual youth do not share the same sexual orientatn wh their child and may be challengg for them to help their child navigate the domas of sex and datg if they are unaware of the unique aspects of same-sex relatnships (e. In another study, young gay/bisexual mal and their parents both scribed parent-adolcent closens as protective agast sexual risk behavr (LaSala, 2015) and over half of the youth dited that fay members fluenced their sexual behavr.

Parental monorg is ls effective wh youth who are volved ntexts that are unfaiar to parents (Dishn & McMahon, 1998), makg challengg for parents to monor gay/bisexual youth whout tn about how to do so (e. Parental monorg has received very ltle attentn among gay/bisexual youth, but Thoma and Huebner (2014) found that was associated wh more ndomls sex for YMSM who were out to one parent and those who were uncerta if their parents knew their sexual orientatn.

GAY AND BISEXUAL ADOLCENT BOYS' PERSPECTIV ON PARENT-ADOLCENT RELATNSHIPS AND PARENTG PRACTIC RELATED TO TEEN SEX AND DATG

They suggted that monorg may not work for parents of YMSM, bee the youth may be dishont about their whereabouts, pecially if they perceive their parents as not acceptg their sexual sum, rearch is begng to document how parents fluence sexual risk behavr among gay/bisexual mal, but there are cril gaps. Adolcence is a cril time to unrstand parental fluenc on sexual behavr among gay/bisexual mal, bee self-intifitn as gay/bisexual tends to occur durg this perd (Dunlap, 2016; Martos, Nezhad, & Meyer, 2015) and adolcence volv profound psychologil, social, and sexual change (Jsor, 1992; Mtanski, Kuper, & Greene, 2014).

Fally, ltle is known about several important aspects of parent-child relatnships among gay/bisexual adolcent mal, cludg their perceptns of whether or not their sexual orientatn fluenc their relatnships wh their parents, discsns about sex/datg, and parental monorg. We were terted the adolcent perspective on: (1) if and how sexual orientatn fluenc parent-adolcent relatnships, munitn about sex/datg, and parental monorg; (b) what parents say to gay/bisexual adolcent mal about sex/datg; and (c) how parents monor gay/bisexual adolcent mal' datg experienc.

I’M 14, I’M GAY & I WANT A BOYIEND

E., assigned male at birth and currently intify as male); (b) be 14-17 years old; (c) intify as gay, bisexual, queer, qutng, or same-sex attracted; (d) have phone and Inter accs; and (e) live the US. G., transportatn, ncerns about meetg an unfaiar place, ncerns about publicly intifyg onelf as part of a stigmatized group) (Fox, Morris, & Rumsey, 2007) and a group format was chosen to facilate a sense of belongg and muny among gay/bisexual youth (Greene, Fisher, Kuper, Andrews, & Mtanski, 2015; Ybarra, DuBois, Parsons, Prtt, & Mtanski, 2014).

G., munitn about sex, monorg); and (3) beg gay/bisexual fluenced the domas regardls of whether or not youth were out to their parents, although there were some unique fluenc for those who were not out. For stance, a 17 year-old, Whe, gay male who was out to his parents scribed as: “Me and my parents don't really do thgs like we ed to before I me out to them and sce then 's like they kd of avoid me.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

For example, a 16 year-old, Black, gay male scribed an experience wh his grandmother (who was his guardian): “… sce g out I feel like thgs between me and my grandmother has ma thg even better between .

” Another adolcent scribed that was ially awkward between him and his parents after he me out, but improved wh time: “At first me beg gay was a ltle awkward bee they didn't really know how to act about or how to ask about relatnships but after I had a uple boyiends 's pretty normal…” (17 year-old, Lato, gay, out to parents) addnal 8% reported that their sexual orientatn had a posive impact on their relatnship wh one parent, but a negative impact on their relatnship wh another parent. I thk beg gay mak me and my mom closer bee she lov gay guys -year-old, Black, gay, out to parentsFally, 26% reported that their sexual orientatn did not impact their relatnships wh their parents. -16, Whe, gay, not out to parentsAlthough most youth who were not out to their parents exprsed ncern that their parents would not approve of their sexual orientatn, one scribed that he had not e out to his parents bee he jt was not ready yet: “I am que close wh my parents and feel like I uld really tell them anythg if I need to….

I jt haven't fully e out due to the fact I jt don't feel ready to say but I know I uld if I need to…” (14 years-old, Whe, gay) of sexual orientatn on parent-adolcent munitn about sex/datgMost adolcents (76%) reported that beg gay/bisexual had an fluence on nversatns wh their parents about sex and datg (Table 2). For stance, one adolcent said that, although his parents were supportive of his sexual orientatn, “beg gay kda affects our relatnship bee we n't talk about certa thgs I would like to talk about wh them” (16 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents) youth who were out to their parents, nversatns about sex/datg typilly changed after g out.

MY 14 YEAR OLD GAY SON IS SEEING A 17 YEAR OLD

For stance, one said: “As far as relatnships go I've only had one which end up on the guy cheatg on me and basilly my mom told me that I shouldn't let him get the bt of me and that there will be another guy eventually” (17 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents). Siarly, another scribed: “… one effect [beg gay] has would be the fact that I don't necsarily share everythg wh them (stuff like beg the gsa [Gay Straight Alliance] at school, csh, etc” (15 years-old, Amerin Indian/Alaska Native, gay). Siarly, another said: “… my mom tells me to jt wa till marriage [to have sex] or until I fd ‘the guy’ and if I don't wa at least let her know so I n be safe” (17 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents).

-16 years old, Alaskan Native/Amerin Indian, gay, out to parentsA 15 year-old, Whe, bisexual male who was out to his parents also exprsed that his parents uld not tell if he was datg someone or jt iends wh them, but he reported that this led them to pay more attentn to his teractn: “I feel like my parents pay more close attentn to teractns wh my iends so they n tell if I'm secretly datg any of them or not. -16 year-old, Lato, gay, out to parentsThe rpons suggt that some teens do not nsir what their parents are dog as monorg, even though their parents' behavrs dite that they are keepg track of their behavrs and whereabouts. They might not want me to close or lock my door to my room when I had a guy over and they might be checkg on me if they found out I was gog out on a date -16, Whe, gay, not out to parentsDiscsnThe goal of the current study was to scribe gay/bisexual adolcent mal' perspectiv on their relatnships wh their parents, their munitn about sex/datg, and their parents' monorg of their datg activi.

While most of the gay/bisexual adolcents said that they had good relatnships wh at least one of their parents, over half also said that g out had negative effects on their relatnships. Given that young gay/bisexual men scribe parent-adolcent closens as protective agast sexual risk behavr (LaSala, 2015), youth who feel supported by their parents may be ls likely to engage risk behavr.