What Did They Love Me For?</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="How do whens shape our romantic liv? At a party for gay Asian men and their whe male "admirers," Jam Han Mattson nsirs the heavily racialized world of datg. " /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="Shortly after I me out, I unwtgly went to a party for gay Asian men and the whe men who fetishized . My life would never really be the same aga. " /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="Books" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2021-09-27T13:11:19Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2021-09-27T12:00:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="When I was a hman llege, a iend of me took me to a hoe party near downtown Mneapolis. I didn’t thk much of at the time—beg neteen, I seized any opportuny to drk un-rd—but after we arrived, I fot about the booze. The group was entirely male:" /><meta name="" ntent="entertament,Entertament,books,Books" /><meta name="" ntent="2021-09-27 12:00:00" /><meta name="sailth.socialtle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta name="ntenttype" ntent="standard-article" /><meta id="m1" name="m1" emProp="cssSelector " ntent=".ntent-hed" /><meta id="m2" name="m2" emProp="cssSelector" ntent=".ntent-k p" /><lk href="/" emSpe emType=" emRef="m1 m2" /><lk rel="preload" as="image" image-src-set=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" image-siz="100vw" /><lk rel="prefetch" href="" as="image" /><lk rel="preload" as="image" image-src-set=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" image-siz="100vw" /><meta name="next-head-unt" ntent="48" /><meta name="next-font-prennect" /><script id="vice-tect" data-nscript="beforeInteractive">(()=>{nst o="ontouchstart" wdow||!!navigator.maxTouchPots||("__touch"),t=wdow.matchMedia("only screen and (max-width: 767px)").match,n=o&&t,i=o&&!t,e=[n?"mobile":"no-mobile",i?"tablet":"no-tablet",o?"touch":"no-touch"];,,,sktop=!(n||i),(...e)})();</script><script id="lux" data-nscript="beforeInteractive">LUX=(functn(){nst a=(typeof(LUX)!=="unfed"&&typeof(LUX.gaMarks)!=="unfed"?LUX.gaMarks:[]);nst d=(typeof(LUX)!=="unfed"&&typeof(LUX.gaMeasur)!=="unfed"?LUX.gaMeasur:[]);nst j="LUX_start";nst k=wdow.performance;let l=(typeof(LUX)!=="unfed"&&(():+(new Date())));if(k&&){}functn f(){if(k&&){return ()}nst ():+(new Date());return o-l}functn b(n){if(k){if(){return (n)}if(k.webkMark){return k.webkMark(n)}}({name:n,entryType:"mark",startTime:f(),duratn:0});}functn m(p,t,n){if(typeof(t)==="unfed"&&h(j)){t=j}if(k){if(k.measure){if(t){if(n){return k.measure(p,t,n)}return k.measure(p,t)}return k.measure(p)}if(k.webkMeasure){return k.webkMeasure(p,t,n)}}let r=0; let o=f();if(t){nst s=h(t);if(s){r=s.startTime}else if(k&&[t]){[t]}else{return}}if(n){nst q=h(n);if(q){o=q.startTime}else if(k&&[n]){[n]}else{return}}({name:p,entryType:"measure",startTime:r,duratn:(o-r)});}functn h(n){return c(n,g())}functn c(p,o){for(;i>=0;i--){nst n=o[i];if(){return n}}return unfed}functn g(){if(k){if(k.getEntriByType){return k.getEntriByType("mark")}if(k.webkGetEntriByType){return k.webkGetEntriByType("mark")}}return a}return{mark:b,measure:m,gaMarks:a,gaMeasur:d}})();(():+(new Date()));[];(a){(a)};(){([""])};(){(["send"])};LUX.addData=functn(a,b){(["addData",a,b])};LUX_ae=[];wdow.addEventListener("error",functn(a){(a)});LUX_al=[];if(typeof(PerformanceObserver)==="functn"&&typeof(PerformanceLongTaskTimg)==="functn"){nst LongTaskObserver=new PerformanceObserver(functn(c){nst b=c.getEntri();for(let a=0;a<;a++){nst d=b[a];(d)}});try{LongTaskObserver.observe({type:["longtask"]})}tch(e){}}; = "StandardArticle";</script><script id="settgs" data-nscript="beforeInteractive">wdow.__FRE={env:"productn",ver:"0.7.435",cdn:te},wdow.__SITE={brand:"quire",doma:",dk:"aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZXNxdWlyZS5jb::20=",lole:"en-",lole_path:"",trailg_slash:te},feProperti(wdow,{SELF_HOSTED_ADS:{value:te,wrable:!1},ADSFREE:{value:false,wrable:!1},GDPR:{value:false,wrable:!1}});</script><lk rel="preload" href="/_assets/e/_next/static/css/" as="style" /><lk rel="stylheet" href="/_assets/e/_next/static/css/" /><noscript data-n-css></noscript><script fer noModule src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script id="moapt-data-bundle" src="/_assets/moapt/2.116.0/" async fetchprry="high" data-nscript="beforeInteractive"></script><script id="moapt-bundle" src="/_assets/moapt/2.116.0/" async fetchprry="high" data-nscript="beforeInteractive"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/pag/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/pag/_templat/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/a6bc94528b/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/a6bc94528b/" fer></script><lk rel="preload" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550.e9ff2bf.woff2" as="font" type="font/woff2" crossOrig="anonymo" /><style type="text/css" id="ferred-fonts" media="none">@font-face {font-fay: 'Inter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/ter-v3-lat-regular.c8ad008.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Glanz'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Glanz-Medium.ae4cfa9.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Charter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e38fddd1-89a4-4995-9f7f-3c701b2e62f1.dd7387f.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Charter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/74c2aebb-af4a-4c7d-a7f5-2db2c73334eb.c4fa4.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Charter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e4fc2e26-0ce1-4e6c-bb35-330c133f041c.c08ce2c.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: alic; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Lsanne'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550-Italic.026a034.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: alic; font-display: swap;} </style><script type="text/javascript" id="font-loar">(()=>{nst{search:o}=wdow.lotn;if(clus("disableFonts"))return;nst e=clus("bugFonts")?()=>({}),n=document,t=[],s=o=>("> FONT FAILED TO LOAD:",o),d=o=>o,{fontsLoad:a}=ssnStorage;if(!("fonts" n)||a){nst o=n.getElementById("ferred-fonts");return o&&("all"),void(a&&(e("> LOADING FONTS FROM CACHE"),((o=>{(()(d)(s))})),(t)((()=>{e("> FONTS LOADED FROM CACHE"),("fonts-load")}))))}wdow.addEventListener("DOMContentLoad",(()=>{[{"fay":"Inter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/ter-v3-lat-regular.c8ad008.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Glanz","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Glanz-Medium.ae4cfa9.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Charter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e38fddd1-89a4-4995-9f7f-3c701b2e62f1.dd7387f.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Charter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/74c2aebb-af4a-4c7d-a7f5-2db2c73334eb.c4fa4.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":"bold","display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Charter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e4fc2e26-0ce1-4e6c-bb35-330c133f041c.c08ce2c.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"alic"}},{"fay":"Lsanne","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550-Italic.026a034.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"alic"}}].forEach((({fay:o,src:e,format:n="woff",scriptors:a={}})=>{(new FontFace(o,`url('${e}') format('${n}')`,a)()(d)(s))})),(t)((o=>{e("> FONTS LOADED"),o.forEach((o=>o&&(o))),("fonts-load"),ssnStorage.fontsLoad=!0}))}))})();</script></head><body><style data-emotn="css-global 1km10">html{le-height:1.15;-webk-text-size-adjt:100%;}body{marg:0;}ma{display:block;}h1{font-size:2em;marg:0.67em 0;}hr{box-sizg:ntent-box;height:0;overflow:visible;}pre{font-fay:monospace,monospace;font-size:1em;}a{background-lor:transparent;}abbr[tle]{borr-bottom:none;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;-webk-text-ratn:unrle dotted;text-ratn:unrle dotted;}b,strong{font-weight:bolr;},kbd,samp{font-fay:monospace,monospace;font-size:1em;}small{font-size:80%;}sub,sup{font-size:75%;le-height:0;posn:relative;vertil-align:basele;}sub{bottom:-0.25em;}sup{top:-0.5em;}img{borr-style:none;}button,put,optgroup,select,textarea{font-fay:her;font-size:100%;le-height:1.15;marg:0;}button,put{overflow:visible;}button,select{text-transform:none;}button,[type='button'],[type='ret'],[type='subm']{-webk-appearance:button;}button::-moz-foc-ner,[type='button']::-moz-foc-ner,[type='ret']::-moz-foc-ner,[type='subm']::-moz-foc-ner{borr-style:none;paddg:0;}button:-moz-focrg,[type='button']:-moz-focrg,[type='ret']:-moz-focrg,[type='subm']:-moz-focrg{outle:1px dotted ButtonText;}fieldset{paddg:0.35em 0.75em 0.625em;}legend{box-sizg:borr-box;lor:her;display:table;max-width:100%;paddg:0;whe-space:normal;}progrs{vertil-align:basele;}textarea{overflow:to;}[type='checkbox'],[type='rad']{box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;}[type='number']::-webk-ner-sp-button,[type='number']::-webk-outer-sp-button{height:to;}[type='search']{-webk-appearance:textfield;outle-offset:-2px;}[type='search']::-webk-search-ratn{-webk-appearance:none;}::-webk-file-upload-button{-webk-appearance:button;font:her;}tails{display:block;}summary{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-list-em;display:-ms-list-embox;display:list-em;}template{display:none;}[hidn]{display:none;}*{box-sizg:borr-box;}html{font-fay:sans-serif;-ms-text-size-adjt:100%;-webk-font-smoothg:antialiased;-webk-text-size-adjt:100%;scroll-behavr:smooth;overflow-x:hidn;overflow-y:to;}@media (prefers-rced-motn: rce){*{-webk-animatn-duratn:0.01ms!important;animatn-duratn:0.01ms!important;-webk-animatn-eratn-unt:1!important;animatn-eratn-unt:1!important;transn-duratn:0.01ms!important;scroll-behavr:to!important;}},{overflow:hidn;} #__next, #__next{overflow:hidn;}body{m-height:100vh;m-height:-webk-fill-available;}a{lor:her;}a:foc-visible{outle:0.125rem dotted;outle-offset:0.313rem;}button{lor:her;}img:-moz-loadg{lor:transparent;}.__rp-ntaer{posn:relative;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}.__rp-ntaer:before{ntent:'""';lor:transparent;display:block;width:100%;height:0;paddg-bottom:var(--aspect-rat, 100%);}.__rp-ntaer img:not( img):not(.filmstrip-image-wrapper img):not([data-dynamic-svg]),.__rp-ntaer vio{posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;m-width:100%;height:var(--height, to);max-height:100%;object-f:var(--object-f, ver);}.__rp-ntaer vio{object-f:nta;}.__rp-ntaer {posn:absolute;top:0;}. img[importance=to]{-webk-transn:opacy 0.3s lear;transn:opacy 0.3s lear;opacy:0;}. img[importance=to].lazyload{opacy:1;}{posn:absolute;left:-10000px,width:1px;height:1px;paddg:0;marg:-1px;overflow:hidn;clip:rect(0, 0, 0, 0);whe-space:nowrap;borr-width:0;}{-webk-background-size:ver;background-size:ver;-webk-background-posn:center;background-posn:center;}@media prt{{display:none!important;}}@font-face{font-fay:'Lsanne';src:url('/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550.e9ff2bf.woff2') format('woff2');font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-display:swap;}[data-embed]:not(:fed){display:none;}[data-embed]:fed{display:-webk-var(--data-embed-display, block);display:var(--data-embed-display, block);}@font-face{font-fay:"Glanz-fallback";size-adjt:97.9;src:lol('Roboto');}@font-face{font-fay:"Lsanne-fallback";size-adjt:103.49999999999997;src:lol('Roboto');}</style><div id="__next"><style data-emotn="css-global ploijv">{clear:both;}@media (m-width: 90rem){():not([data-embed]="body-image"){clear:none;}}</style><sectn data-teractive="SiPanel-1" class="css-0 e7czha50"><style data-emotn="css 72meel">{visibily:hidn;ntent-visibily:hidn;background-lor:#F5F6F8;lor:#000;width:20rem;max-width:20rem;height:100%;overflow-x:hidn;overflow-y:scroll;posn:fixed;top:0rem;z-x:5999998;-webk-transn:-webk-transform 0.2s lear;transn:transform 0.2s lear;-webk-transform:translateX(-20rem);-moz-transform:translateX(-20rem);-ms-transform:translateX(-20rem);transform:translateX(-20rem);} >div{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;m-height:100%;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;} ~.sipanelToggleable{-webk-transform:ial;-moz-transform:ial;-ms-transform:ial;transform:ial;-webk-transn:-webk-transform 0.2s lear;transn:transform 0.2s lear;}{-webk-transform:translateX(0);-moz-transform:translateX(0);-ms-transform:translateX(0);transform:translateX(0);visibily:visible;ntent-visibily:to;} ~.sipanelToggleable{-webk-transform:translateX(20rem);-moz-transform:translateX(20rem);-ms-transform:translateX(20rem);transform:translateX(20rem);}@media(m-width: 90rem){ ~.sipanelToggleable{-webk-transform:translateX(7rem);-moz-transform:translateX(7rem);-ms-transform:translateX(7rem);transform:translateX(7rem);}}</style><nav id="sipanel" aria-hidn="te" class="new-sipanel-menu hidn css-72meel eqt11jm15"><div data-foc-lock-disabled="disabled" data-foc-lock="ma"><style data-emotn="css 1kkonqv">{marg:1rem 1rem 0 1rem;paddg:0 0.6rem;width:to;height:2.1875rem;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;marg-right:6rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><a href="/search/" class="css-1kkonqv e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css 13htjwu">{width:1rem;height:1rem;}</style><svg alt="Search" tle="Search" data-dynamic-svg class="css-13htjwu eqt11jm0"><e data-href="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/"></e></svg><style data-emotn="css 10myxgw">{paddg:1rem;lor:#000000;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;}</style><span class="css-10myxgw eqt11jm14">Search</span></a><style data-emotn="css 19toa0d">{paddg:0.6rem;right:1.0625rem;top:1rem;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:absolute;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}</style><a href="#" aria-label="Close Sipanel" class="css-19toa0d e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css 1lgifh3">{width:1rem;height:1rem;fill:#000000;}</style><svg alt="Close" role="img" tle="Close" data-dynamic-svg class="css-1lgifh3 eqt11jm13"><e data-href="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/"></e></svg></a><style data-emotn="css xwjhf9">{marg:0.5rem 1rem 0.125rem;paddg:0rem;opacy:35%;height:0.0625rem;borr:0;width:to;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;}</style><hr class="css-xwjhf9 eqt11jm12" /><style data-emotn="css 1rf2j2e">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg:0.6rem;-webk-flex:1 0 to;-ms-flex:1 0 to;flex:1 0 to;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}</style><ul class="css-1rf2j2e eqt11jm11"><style data-emotn="css 1fqyieb">{-webk-transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;paddg:0 1rem;}{posn:relative;paddg:0.5rem 1rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:paddg 0.3s lear,background-lor 0.2s lear;transn:paddg 0.3s lear,background-lor 0.2s lear;}{paddg:0.5rem 1rem 0;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;}{outle:0.0625rem solid black;}@media (any-hover: hover){{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;}}</style><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><style data-emotn="css 75z2gz">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;posn:relative;width:100%;height:2.875rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:lor 0.2s lear;transn:lor 0.2s lear;} {height:unset;display:le;-webk-align-ems:unset;-webk-box-align:unset;-ms-flex-align:unset;align-ems:unset;paddg:0.5rem 0;}@media (any-hover: hover){{lor:si-panel-menu-lk;}}</style><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Subscribe</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">My Bookmarks</a></li><li data-id="3" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/entertament/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Entertament</a><style data-emotn="css pjjyzu">{posn:absolute;right:1.4rem;top:1.2rem;borr-lor:#000000;borr-style:solid;borr-width:0 0.0625rem 0.0625rem 0;paddg:0.2rem;-webk-transn:-webk-transform 0.25s ease--out;transn:transform 0.25s ease--out;cursor:poter;background-lor:transparent;lor:#fff;}.submenu-open {-webk-transform:rotate(45g);-moz-transform:rotate(45g);-ms-transform:rotate(45g);transform:rotate(45g);}.submenu-closed {-webk-transform:rotate(-45g);-moz-transform:rotate(-45g);-ms-transform:rotate(-45g);transform:rotate(-45g);}</style><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><style data-emotn="css 1t2le0x animatn-1dfsy">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg:0rem;max-height:0rem;-webk-transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;height:unset;overflow:hidn;opacy:0;visibily:hidn;-webk-animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;-webk-animatn-fill-mo:forwards;animatn-fill-mo:forwards;width:lc(100% + 2rem);marg-left:-1rem;background-lor:#F5F5F5;lor:#000;}.submenu-open {max-height:27rem;overflow-y:scroll;height:to;opacy:1;visibily:visible;marg-top:0.75rem;}.submenu-closed {max-height:0rem;}@-webk-keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}@keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}</style><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><style data-emotn="css 1e5v4ze">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;cursor:poter;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;height:2.5rem;paddg:0 1rem;} {-webk-transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;} {background-lor:#969696;lor:#000;} a{opacy:0.8;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000000;}</style><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/tv/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">TV</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/movi/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Movi</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/books/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Books</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/mic/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Mic</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="/bt-of-2020/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Bt of 2020</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="/bt-of-2021/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Bt of 2021</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="4" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/style/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Style</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/mens-fashn/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Fashn</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/groomg/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Groomg</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/mens-accsori/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Accsori</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/big-black-book/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Big Black Book</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="5" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/food-drk/food/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Food</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/food-drk/rtrants/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Rtrants</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/ntenttype/recip/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Recip</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="6" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/food-drk/drks/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Drks</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/food-drk/bars/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Bars</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/cktail-recip/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Cocktail Recip</a></li></ul></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/sports/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Sports</a></li><li data-id="8" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/liftyle/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Liftyle</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/liftyle/rs/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Cars & Tech</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/liftyle/health/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Fns & Health</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/liftyle/money/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Money & Career</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="9" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/news-polics/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">News & Polics</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/news-polics/polics/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Charl P. Pierce</a></li></ul></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Archive</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Newsletter</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">About Us</a></li><li data-id="13" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="#" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Follow</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">facebook</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">twter</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">google+</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">ptert</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">tumblr</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">stagram</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">youtube</a></li></ul></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">W</a></li></ul><style data-emotn="css nu5j">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:1.5625rem 0 0.5rem 1rem;paddg:0rem;max-width:50%;} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}{ntent:"";posn:absolute;top:0.5rem;width:1rem;height:1rem;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;}.visible {-webk-mask:url(/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/);mask:url(/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/);}</style><ul class="css-nu5j eqt11jm6"><style data-emotn="css 1vjstyg">{paddg-left:1.1875rem;posn:relative;}{cursor:poter;posn:relative;}>button{top:0.8rem;right:0rem;}</style><li data-id="1" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1vjstyg eqt11jm5"><style data-emotn="css 1y68h0e">{posn:relative;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;width:-webk-max-ntent;width:-moz-max-ntent;width:max-ntent;poter-events:none;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;}</style><a href="/" class="css-1y68h0e e1c1bym14">Other Edns</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><style data-emotn="css 1nord4m animatn-1dfsy">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg:0rem;max-height:0rem;-webk-transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;height:unset;overflow:hidn;-webk-animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;-webk-animatn-fill-mo:forwards;animatn-fill-mo:forwards;} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}.submenu-open {max-height:27rem;overflow-y:scroll;height:to;marg-top:0.625rem;}.submenu-closed {max-height:0rem;}@-webk-keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}@keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}</style><ul class="css-1nord4m eqt11jm4"><li dataid="1" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><style data-emotn="css gyakip">{height:1.5625rem;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;}@media (any-hover: hover){{-webk-transn:opacy 0.2s lear;transn:opacy 0.2s lear;}{opacy:0.8;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;}}</style><a href="/" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">US</a></li><li dataid="2" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">UK</a></li><li dataid="3" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">España</a></li><li dataid="4" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">Italia</a></li><li dataid="5" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">Japan</a></li></ul></li><li hidn></li></ul><style data-emotn="css 5a7ket">{marg:0 to;} .ei3fq280{borr:0.0625rem solid black;}</style><div class="css-5a7ket eqt11jm3"></div><style data-emotn="css sfww4i">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;width:100%;height:3.125rem;-webk-flex-shrk:0;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrk:0;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;paddg-left:1rem;}</style><footer class="sipanel-footer-ntaer css-sfww4i eqt11jm2"><style data-emotn="css 1042zvj">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:2rem;marg-right:1rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;} {-webk-transn:opacy 0.2 lear;transn:opacy 0.2 lear;} {lor:activsi-panel-sub-menu-hover;}{marg-right:0rem;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href=" class="css-1042zvj e1c1bym14">Privacy Notice</a><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href=" class="css-1042zvj e1c1bym14">Terms Of Use</a></footer></div></nav></sectn><div data-foc-lock-disabled="disabled" data-foc-lock="ma" class="sipanelToggleable"><span tabInx="0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1q1k0tc">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;posn:absolute;left:1rem;top:1rem;z-x:9999999;text-align:center;opacy:0;-webk-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-moz-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-ms-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;box-shadow:0 0 0 3px #55adff;borr:medium solid whe;font-fay:Inter,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:0.8928rem;le-height:1;font-weight:bold;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;borr-radi:1.875rem;width:to;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;}{opacy:1;-webk-transform:translateY(0%);-moz-transform:translateY(0%);-ms-transform:translateY(0%);transform:translateY(0%);}{outle:none;}</style><style data-emotn="css erzzt6">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;posn:absolute;left:1rem;top:1rem;z-x:9999999;text-align:center;opacy:0;-webk-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-moz-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-ms-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;box-shadow:0 0 0 3px #55adff;borr:medium solid whe;font-fay:Inter,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:0.8928rem;le-height:1;font-weight:bold;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;borr-radi:1.875rem;width:to;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;}{opacy:1;-webk-transform:translateY(0%);-moz-transform:translateY(0%);-ms-transform:translateY(0%);transform:translateY(0%);}{outle:none;}</style><a href="#ma-ntent" class="e1i650950 css-erzzt6 e1c1bym14">Skip to Content</a><style data-emotn="css 1p8n2aj">{background-lor:#F5F6F8;borr-bottom:0.125rem solid #FF3A30;lor:#000;height:100%;posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:var(--nav-offset, 0);z-x:999;}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:var(--nav-offset, 0);}}</style><nav data-trackg-id="topNav" class="css-1p8n2aj efnztv77"><style data-emotn="css 1pqs8">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;height:100%;marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg-left:0;paddg-right:0;width:100%;z-x:1;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-box-flex-wrap:nowrap;-webk-flex-wrap:nowrap;-ms-flex-wrap:nowrap;flex-wrap:nowrap;}}</style><div class="nav-bar-ntaer css-1pqs8 efnztv76"><style data-emotn="css u2qoj2">{le-height:0.7;marg-left:0.9375rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.25rem 0.5rem 0.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.25rem 0.5rem 0;} svg{fill:#000000;-webk-transn:fill 0.3s ease--out;transn:fill 0.3s ease--out;} svg:hover{fill:#595959;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{marg-left:2.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.625rem 0.5rem 0.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg-left:0rem;}} svg{width:1.875rem;height:1.875rem;}</style><a aria-label="Sipanel Button" href="#sipanel" class="css-u2qoj2 e1c1bym14"><svg alt="Menu" tle="Si Panel" data-dynamic-svg><e href="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/"></e></svg></a><style data-emotn="css 1ivqn86">{le-height:0;marg-right:to;width:7.25rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{height:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{height:1.1rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}</style><a href="/" aria-label="Esquire" class="nav-logo css-1ivqn86 e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/logos/" fetchprry="high" alt="Logo" height="to" width="to" class="css-0 e1ccpyf90" /></a><style data-emotn="css 1p3bm3c">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;borr-bottom:th solid #F5F5F5;borr-top:th solid #F5F5F5;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;overflow-x:to;overflow-y:hidn;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{background-lor:her;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{background-lor:her;borr-top:0;borr-bottom:0;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:0;-ms-flex-orr:0;orr:0;width:to;}}{height:0rem;}</style><div style="scrollbar-width: none;" class="css-1p3bm3c efnztv73"><style data-emotn="css xs3857">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg-left:1.125rem;-webk-transform:translateX(unfedpx);-moz-transform:translateX(unfedpx);-ms-transform:translateX(unfedpx);transform:translateX(unfedpx);width:100%;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:2.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}</style><ul class="css-xs3857 efnztv72"><style data-emotn="css q9n041">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.75rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:2rem;paddg:0 1.875rem 0 1.25rem;text-transform:upperse;whe-space:nowrap;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0 1.25rem 0 1.25rem;}}</style><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><style data-emotn="css c8i4ma">{lor:her;display:le-block;le-height:2.58918;m-height:3rem;m-width:3rem;paddg:.5rem 0 .5rem 0;text-align:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;-webk-transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{lor:her;}}{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 7qn7yr">{lor:her;display:le-block;le-height:2.58918;m-height:3rem;m-width:3rem;paddg:.5rem 0 .5rem 0;text-align:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;-webk-transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{lor:her;}}{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><a href="/entertament/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Entertament</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/style/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Style</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/liftyle/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Liftyle</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/bt-products-to-buy/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Shoppg</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/news-polics/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">News & Polics</a></li></ul></div><style data-emotn="css 8wyh98">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;height:1.875rem;width:to;marg:0 0 0 to;paddg-left:1.05rem;paddg-right:1.05rem;text-align:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;paddg-top:0.125rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;text-transform:upperse;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;borr-radi:2rem;background:#FF3A30;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;letter-spacg:0.04rem;} {width:unset;word-spacg:unset;}@media (any-hover: hover){{-webk-transn:box-shadow 0.2s lear,background 0.2s lear;transn:box-shadow 0.2s lear,background 0.2s lear;}{;;}}{outle-lor:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;} svg{fill:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{outle:0.125rem dotted #000000;outle-offset:0.2rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><a href=" class="css-8wyh98 e1c1bym14">Subscribe</a><style data-emotn="css 1y41cbl">{paddg-right:0.9375rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{paddg-right:2.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-right:0rem;}}</style><div class="css-1y41cbl e7dmux20"><style data-emotn="css 90yh27">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.75rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:2rem;marg-left:0.3125rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg-left:0.9375rem;}}</style><a rel="nofollow" href="/th/csrf?actn=log&return_url=/" class="css-90yh27 e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css 1o5u0ki">{whe-space:nowrap;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.75rem;le-height:2rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><span class="css-1o5u0ki e7dmux21">sign </span></a></div></div></nav><div class="oop-ad css-0 e1x3pu1"><div id="gpt-ad-oop-1" class="ad-ntaer css-0 e1x3pu0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css 1ny62y9">{background-lor:bg-primary;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg-right:var(--sponsor-panel-width, to);}}</style><ma id="ma-ntent" class="css-1ny62y9 e1q9j2sb0"><style data-emotn="css 179grqf">{background-lor:#E8E8E8;lor:#000;display:none;m-width:45.5rem;paddg:0.9375rem 0;text-align:center;width:100%;}@media prt{{display:none!important;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:121px;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{display:block;}}</style><div id="gpt-learboard-ad" class="css-179grqf e1hka4w80"></div><style data-emotn="css 15s09cz">{borr-bottom:0.0625rem solid #E8E8E8;borr-top:0.0625rem solid #E8E8E8;font-fay:Inter,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.3;marg:0rem;paddg:.9375rem .625rem;text-align:center;text-transform:none;width:lc(100% + (.938rem*2));}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(m-width: 20rem){{width:100vw;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-15s09cz eidw0493"><style data-emotn="css 1c5ip">{marg:0rem;paddg-left:1.875rem;paddg-right:1.875rem;}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:2.5rem;paddg-right:2.5rem;}}</style><p class="css-1c5ip eidw0491"><span class="css-0 eidw0490">Every product was refully curated by an Esquire edor. We may earn a missn om the lks.</span></p></div><style data-emotn="css joveom">{width:100%;max-width:100vw;display:grid;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;z-x:to;}@media prt{{max-width:100%;}} .ejku7p03{top:0.75rem;right:0.75rem;bottom:to;}</style><hear class="css-joveom exadjwu12"><style data-emotn="css 1lr08az">{grid-lumn:1/-1;text-align:center;}</style><div class="css-1lr08az e12wtocy0"><style data-emotn="css mktybr">{marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;text-align:center;}@media(m-width: 64rem){[data-has-sponsor] {text-align:start;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.9375rem 1.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0 1.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-mktybr exadjwu4"><nav aria-label="breadcmbs" class="css-0 e9l0kn03"><style data-emotn="css 4j90ja">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.3;list-style:none;marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg:1.25rem 1.25rem 0 1.6875rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:1.25rem 2.5rem 0 3.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg:1.25rem 0 0 0.8125rem;}}</style><ol emSpe emType=" class="css-4j90ja e9l0kn02"><style data-emotn="css zxq36b">{display:le;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><style data-emotn="css rg26">{-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}{lor:#000000;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 10asp0m">{-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}{lor:#000000;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Entertament" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Entertament</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="1" /></li><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Books" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Books</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li><style data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/a37710731/racial-fetishism-asian-men/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="What Did They Love Me For?" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">What Did They Love Me For?</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>What Did They Love Me For?<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>Shortly after I me out, I unwtgly went to a party for gay Asian men and the whe men who fetishized . My life would never really be the same aga. </p></div><style data-emotn="css 18k4ks7">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-18k4ks7 exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 1eqkg5m">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-style:normal;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><addrs class="css-1eqkg5m ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 19e0noj">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-19e0noj ehvvd9m1"><style data-emotn="css 1sa04t">{borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;marg-right:0.3125rem;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" tle="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" width="40" height="40" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" class=" css-1sa04t ehvvd9m0" />By <style data-emotn="css 7l5upj">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/231272/jam-han-mattson/" class="css-7l5upj e1c1bym14">Jam Han Mattson</a></span><style data-emotn="css 1bcsdhu">{display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-left:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><time class="css-1bcsdhu exadjwu6">Published: Sep 27, 2021</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 1mi99c5">{background-lor:#FF3A30;lor:#000000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;marg-top:0rem;marg-bottom:0rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;paddg-top:0.85rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;width:to;borr-radi:2rem;background:#FF3A30;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;letter-spacg:0.04rem;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;cursor:poter;borr:th solid #FF3A30;} svg{fill:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{marg-left:1rem;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{outle:0.125rem dotted #000000;outle-offset:0.2rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><button data-tooltip-id="article-hear-save" class="ntentSaveButton css-1mi99c5 e12nq69g1"><style data-emotn="css 7g4d0s">{width:1rem;height:1rem;marg-right:0.625rem;} path{fill:#ffffff;} path{fill:#ffffff;}</style><svg xmlns=" fill="none" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" viewBox="0 0 24 24" class="css-7g4d0s e10k4xbi2"><tle>saved ntaed in</tle><sc>An empty outled in ditg the optn to save an em</sc><path fill-le="evenodd" d="m12 17.408 7 4.4V3.5H5v18.308l7-4.4Zm-5.325 1.323L12 15.384l5.325 3.347V5.23H6.675v13.5Z" clip-le="evenodd"></path></svg>Save Article</button><style data-emotn="css 13tt5c6">{width:160px;text-align:left;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;letter-spacg:0.045rem;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.1;lor:#595959;text-transform:none;}</style></div></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css k008qs">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;}</style><div class="css-k008qs ewisyje0"><style data-emotn="css 7ce51e">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:lc(100vw - (1rem * 2));marg-left:1rem;marg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(-1 * 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc((100vw - (lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 2 * 1rem)) / -2);}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / -2) - 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 2);max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 + 1rem)) / -2) - lc(2 * 1rem));}[data-has-sponsor] {marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);marg-right:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);}}</style><div class="standard-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-7ce51e ewisyje3"><style data-emotn="css trzem2">{jtify-self:center;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:-50vw;marg-right:-50vw;width:100vw;left:50%;right:50%;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead css-trzem2 ewisyje6"><style data-emotn="css sm2oir">{height:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead-image css-sm2oir e5f9kgu2"><style data-emotn="css eag3eq">{posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div class="css-eag3eq e5f9kgu1"><style data-emotn="css 335qep">{posn:relative;width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;vertil-align:top;}</style><img fetchPrry="high" alt="jam han mattson" tle="jam han mattson" width="2000" height="1000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-335qep exi4f7p0" /></div><style data-emotn="css 285vyd">{le-height:1;}@media(max-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0;}}</style><figptn class="css-285vyd enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 1mcfn5x">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-right:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Elae Chung</span></figptn></div></div><style data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css am5pt0">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">When I was a hman llege, a iend of me took me to a hoe party near downtown Mneapolis. I didn’t thk much of at the time—beg neteen, I seized any opportuny to drk un-rd—but after we arrived, I fot about the booze. The group was entirely male: about 90% Asian, most their twenti, the rt whe and signifintly olr. The were hawkish yet clumsy men who lumbered om Asian guy to Asian guy, leerg, while the Asian men giggled, or flirted, or acted strangely grateful. Some of the Asian men danced. Some stood at the perimeter, asssg. All of them, seemed, were vyg for the attentn of the olr whe men. </p><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I got a beer, avoid eye ntact, and when I returned to my iend, a fellow gay Asian guy, I leaned and said, “What <em>is </em>this?”</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="2" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1643r8a">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:0rem;}</style><asi class="css-1643r8a e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css l3w2xc">{display:le-block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;borr-top:0.25rem solid #15263D;paddg-right:1.1rem;paddg-top:0.4375rem;text-transform:lowerse;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;}</style><h6 class="css-l3w2xc e6pr2lz3"><style data-emotn="css 156fvc1">{borr-bottom:0.4375rem solid #FF3A30;borr-right:0.4375rem solid transparent;ntent:'';display:le-block;height:0;marg-right:0.5rem;width:0;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-156fvc1 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Related Stori</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css 79zw4t">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;paddg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:1.4;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;}</style><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/liftyle/a36881723/gay-asian-amerin-men-inty-qutn/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="gay asian amerin men" tle="The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/news-polics/a36557765/asian-amerin-iny-language-assimialtn-reclamatn/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="asian amerin language" tle="Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/entertament/books/a36448936/amy-tan-pbs-documentary-terview-untend-memoir/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="amy tan" tle="Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “It’s an Asian group,” he said. “For Asians and their admirers.”</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “And all the admirers are old whe guys?”</p><p data-no-id="5" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> He shgged, drank. “I gus,” he said. </p><p data-no-id="6" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I felt, for a moment, unmoored. Though I’d told him I didn’t re where we went, jt that I wanted to drk, I hadn’t expected to be thst to such a d environment, one wh a clear race and age divi. As we mgled, I felt sctized, an obv newbie, so I stayed close to my iend. </p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“Relax,” he said. “You’re actg weird.”</p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I breathed ep, took ep swigs of my beer. </p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He troduced me to a group of guys, all Asian, and I sed, chatted, gave perfunctory answers to perfunctory qutns. When my iend exced himself to go to the bathroom, I tried to jo the nversatn—y, Madonna <em>was </em>amazg, and no, I <em>hadn’t </em>heard the new sgle—but beme very clear very quickly that I still languished the land of perfunctory rpons. The group, disapprovg, turned abptly exclive, and I found myself alone, feelg dreadfully nspicuo.</p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> Then, a savr.</p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">A man me up to me. A whe man thrice my age. He said, “Let me gus, Che.”</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> My stomach dropped.</p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “Well you’re not Vietname or Indonian or Thai—you’re too big. Japane? No. Too thick. Not Korean eher bee your face isn’t…hmm. Mongolian?”</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="14" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css ow0dpz">{borr:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:100%;ntent:'';display:block;height:2.1875rem;left:50%;marg:-0.99rem to 0 -1.33rem;posn:absolute;width:2.1875rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css la9czl">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}{ntent:'＂';display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:3.4375rem;le-height:0.72;font-style:alic;paddg:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;}</style><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">External expectatn mand that I not only know but love the exoticism attached to my exterr.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="15" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I looked toward the bathroom, willg my iend to e back.</p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “I’m right, aren’t I,” the man said.</p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “I’m Korean,” I said.</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “You’re <em>not</em>,” he said. “Oh my god. But yeah, I see now. God, I <em>love </em>Koreans. The food, the culture. Amazg.”</p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I flhed. The nversatns embarrassed me. I was a Korean adoptee, raised North Dakota by whe parents; I had yet to unrstand what beg Korean actually meant. External expectatn, however, mand that I not only know but love the exoticism attached to my exterr, so while I’d experienced plenty of the nversatns before, they still felt shockgly h every time they occurred. What <em>are </em>you? the people implored. Oh you’re <em>that</em>? I <em>love </em>that! Let me tell you how much I know about you. Let me <em>pliment </em>you bee you’re <em>that. </em>Feel wele bee I unrstand you! Feel imprsed by my knowledge! Feel honored that I’ve studied you! Your kd is <em>amazg!</em></p><style data-emotn="css 18pb4rg">{borr:0;borr-bottom:th solid black;marg:1.875rem 0;clear:both;}</style><hr data-no-id="20" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="21" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0"> In high school, I remember watchg a <em>Sefeld</em> episo tled "The Che Woman." In , Jerry, after gettg off the phone wh a woman named Donna Chang (who, ’s revealed, is actually a blond woman om Long Island named Donna Changste), adms to likg Che women. Elae lls him out, tells him that what he’s said is a b racist. He rponds by sayg, “If I like their race, how n that be racist?”</p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Back then, I agreed wh this sentiment. Racism was about hate, I thought, not love, so if Jerry profsed a sire for this particular race, how <em>uld </em> be racist? If your feelgs were posive, how <em>uld </em>they be offensive? People had preferenc. Some liked blonds, some bt, some tall, some short—so what was the difference if someone preferred Che people?</p><style data-emotn="css 8c6v">{posn:absolute;left:-10000px;top:to;width:1px;height:1px;overflow:hidn;}</style><div data-ad-exclu class="css-8c6v ehha8ut0">This ntent is imported om youTube. You may be able to fd the same ntent another format, or you may be able to fd more rmatn, at their web se.</div><style data-emotn="css 9angbx">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;m-height:299px;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{m-height:163px;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{m-height:252px;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{m-height:347px;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:299px;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{m-height:344px;}}</style><div data-embed="youtube" data-no-id="23" class="embed align-center css-9angbx exa3d2e3"><style data-emotn="css 79elbk">{posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-79elbk exa3d2e2"><style data-emotn="css b0nlql">{background:lear-gradient(rgba(0,0,0,.8) , rgba(0,0,0,0) 95%);background-repeat:no-repeat;-webk-background-size:100% 60px;background-size:100% 60px;posn:absolute;top:0rem;left:0rem;right:0rem;bottom:0rem;z-x:2;height:60px;poter-events:her;}</style><div class="css-b0nlql exa3d2e1"></div><style data-emotn="css 8vvrvc">{lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:18px;height:60px;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;posn:absolute;paddg-left:1rem;left:0rem;right:0rem;top:0rem;text-shadow:0 0 2px rgba(0,0,0,0.5);z-x:4;}</style><div class="css-8vvrvc exa3d2e0"></div><style data-emotn="css 52d8dn">{background:rgba(23,23,23,0.8);borr-bottom-right-radi:2px;borr-top-right-radi:2px;bottom:5px;lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-weight:500;font-size:16px;le-height:16px;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;height:47px;paddg:16px 12px;posn:absolute;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;z-x:2;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1exe7l8">{background:rgba(23,23,23,0.8);borr-bottom-right-radi:2px;borr-top-right-radi:2px;bottom:5px;lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-weight:500;font-size:16px;le-height:16px;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;height:47px;paddg:16px 12px;posn:absolute;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;z-x:2;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" aria-label="Watch on YouTube" href=" class="exa3d2e5 css-1exe7l8 e1c1bym14"><span>Watch on</span><style data-emotn="css 49nnnm">{display:block;height:16px;marg-left:9px;width:72px;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="Watch on YouTube" width="to" height="to" class="css-49nnnm exa3d2e4" /></a><style data-emotn="css 1uds6oo">{height:100%;width:100%;posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css 1vn4202">{background:none;borr:0;posn:absolute;left:50%;top:50%;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);z-x:1;cursor:poter;}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-1vn4202 e1f7ylgd0"><style data-emotn="css a0gows">{opacy:0.8;-webk-transn:opacy .25s cubic-bezier(0,0,0.2,1);transn:opacy .25s cubic-bezier(0,0,0.2,1);}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {opacy:1;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/;sendary=%2523ffffff" loadg="lazy" alt="youtube in" width="68" height="68" class="css-a0gows e1f7ylgd3" /></button><style data-emotn="css 157wciq">{width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;cursor:poter;}</style><style data-emotn="css g939jb">{width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;cursor:poter;}</style><img alt="This is an image" tle="Vio player poster image" loadg="lazy" width="2000" height="1000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="e1f7ylgd5 css-g939jb exi4f7p0" /></div></div></div><p data-no-id="24" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Bee I’d had so ltle exposure to Asian people of any sort, didn’t occur to me then that “Che” wasn’t a physil characteristic. Once a while, I’d see an Asian person picted on TV, mostly an unflatterg way, and I’d be like: Nope. No way. Not <em>me</em>. Not what<em> I’d</em> want a partner<em>.</em> I effectively othered this group of people, om whom I tegorilly distanced myself, bee they were picted, on TV anyway, as unattractive, short, dark-haired, small-eyed people who spoke broken English. Who’d want that? I thought. But then: if that’s your <em>thg</em>—different strok and all.</p><p data-no-id="25" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It wasn’t until llege, until I beiend a number of ternatnal stunts, that I renfigured how I saw race, and my own race particular. Through many nversatns, I learned that my thkg, for years, had been rooted a refal to accept myself as part of an Asian muny. I was different, I’d thought. I wasn’t like them. My parents were whe. My iends were whe. I was basilly whe.</p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">But of urse, I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t be treated as such, no matter how hard I tried.</p><hr data-no-id="27" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="28" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">At the Mneapolis party, the man ntued discsg his love for all thgs Korean. He said <em>Anyeonghaseyo. </em>He talked about bibimbap. He talked about Korean men beg more assertive, more manly than Japane. He said, “It’s my dream to go to North Korea, you know? Jt to see . I know ’s msed up, but ’s gotta be <em>fascatg.</em>” I stood quietly. I didn’t know what he was talkg about. My experience wh anythg Korean was limed to the posters the stunt unn advertisg study abroad programs. I had no Korean iends. I knew no Korean words. I’d had very, very ltle experience wh Korean food. But still, this guy went on.</p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“I know I said Mongolian before, but I actually <em>knew </em>you were Korean,” he said. “I have this tun.”</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The man had yet to ask me anythg real about myself. The “Korean” intifier gave him license to know me. I was, to him, a set of prenceived ias. Later, of urse, I’d unrstand that this strippg of humany embodied what meant to be a fetishist.</p><hr data-no-id="31" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="32" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0"> Before the party, I’d naively thought that people simply fell love wh people, that while physil preferenc (which, my md at the time, clud race) ially drew people to each other, love self was as picted the media: that is, some smic, nebulo force that rulted long stretch of mania, elatn, obssn, and longg. The stctural mechanisms dictatg the circumstanc for the pairgs wasn’t somethg I thought too hard about. Why would I? I mean: what a downer! Love was love was love: no e ponrg the muddy specifics. As time went on, however, and the dynamics of the parti crystallized, as I started beiendg some of the Asians and whe men alike, I realized that much more than preference shaped the teractns. A power dynamic was play: the larger percentage of Asians longed for urtship om the small number of whe men, no matter what they looked like, no matter their profsnal statns life, no matter their social grac or (more often) lack thereof. As a llective, they accepted the standard, media-driven pictns of romance, which were populated almost exclively by whe upl. Sce they weren’t whe, sce there was no way they uld fully enter that world of amoro possibily, they sacrificed the mysteri and excements of love simply to be partnered to a whe person, some of whom they didn’t even like. They were often obliv, or nial, or so hungry for acceptance that they ignored their romantic obssns wh whens, chalkg up to preference. </p><style data-emotn="css 1iigb5k">{clear:none;posn:relative;text-align:center;word-break:break-word;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:100%;}{max-width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{text-align:left;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:left;marg-left:0rem;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:right;marg-right:0rem;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}</style><div data-ad-exclu="(m-width: 90rem)" data-embed="embed-product" data-no-id="33" size="medium" class="size-medium align-left embed css-1iigb5k etrqhn80"><style data-emotn="css 17pp2fn">{posn:absolute;top:-1rem;}</style><div id="product-47efb6bd-4e4e-4d1a-b121-95c333b35693" class="css-17pp2fn etrqhn81"></div><style data-emotn="css 60ezry">@media(m-width: 48rem){{display:grid;grid-template-lumns:40% 1;grid-template-areas:"product_media product_tails";}}</style><div size="medium" class="size-medium align-left css-60ezry eyaokey4"><style data-emotn="css 10ck1xh">{grid-area:product_hear;-webk-orr:0;-ms-flex-orr:0;orr:0;}{display:block;text-align:center;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{text-align:left;}}(){display:none;}</style><div class="top css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><style data-emotn="css 6nsryy">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.125rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">Reprieve</h2></div><style data-emotn="css 1jyqnnr">{grid-area:product_media;marg-bottom:0rem;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;}} a{marg-top:0rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1gqytoh">{grid-area:product_media;marg-bottom:0rem;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;}} a{marg-top:0rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 15xslai">{grid-area:product_media;marg-bottom:0rem;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;}} a{marg-top:0rem;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for Reprieve" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-role data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="47efb6bd-4e4e-4d1a-b121-95c333b35693" data-vars-ga-product-price="$15.39" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="141dd74e-e7cf-45e1-adfc-c13a03c5b2ab" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-tegory="Mystery" data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="0063079917" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" class="product-image-lk eyaokey0 en6kra60 css-15xslai e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css zjhp4x">{max-width:100%;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;} img{height:100%;max-height:100vw;max-width:100%;object-f:nta;object-posn:50% 50%;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 48rem){ img{max-height:20.625rem;}}</style><div class="css-zjhp4x e729n7u1"><style data-emotn="css 1pc0key">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div data-optimizely="product-image-ntaer" class="css-1pc0key e729n7u0"><img srcSet=" 640w, 980w" alt="Reprieve" tle="Reprieve" src="" width="329" height="500" dg="async" loadg="lazy" /></div></div></a><style data-emotn="css y6pcxk">{marg-top:0.9375rem;-webk-orr:3;-ms-flex-orr:3;orr:3;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:0.625rem;marg-right:0.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{marg-left:0rem;marg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg-top:0rem;}}</style><div size="medium" class="css-y6pcxk eyaokey1"><div class="css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">Reprieve</h2></div><style data-emotn="css i2lorc">{marg-bottom:0.625rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-top:0.3125rem;lor:#006603;}</style><div class="css-i2lorc e1emux0g0">Now 45% Off</div><style data-emotn="css g3y2dc">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{-webk-align-ems:flex-start;-webk-box-align:flex-start;-ms-flex-align:flex-start;align-ems:flex-start;}}</style><div size="medium" class="size-medium css-g3y2dc e1a1omje0"><style data-emotn="css 6po5wf">{background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1i4dhmq">{background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for Reprieve" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="47efb6bd-4e4e-4d1a-b121-95c333b35693" data-vars-ga-product-price="$15.39" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="141dd74e-e7cf-45e1-adfc-c13a03c5b2ab" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-tegory="Mystery" data-vars-ga-gallery-id data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="0063079917" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" role="button" data-ab-label="ProdClick" class="product-btn-lk en6kra60 css-1i4dhmq e1c1bym14">$15 at Amazon</a></div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="34" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Time after time I’d see an Asian man pe after a whe man who’d ignore him, or publicly disrpect him, or mock him, or dump him unceremonly for another Asian man, their bodi seemgly terchangeable. The Asian guy would evably fall apart while the whe guy moved on to his next body of lor. </p><p data-no-id="35" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Given the unsettlg observatns, I nclud that love was love was love, y, but who you loved, often tim, was termed by whe supremacy. Those who profsed undyg allegiance to your exotic, faraway culture<em>, </em>no matter how or where you were raised, often mand that you adhere to their flty and rctive notns of your race, or else be disrd, your nonnformy assltg their ia of foreign thenticy. Fetishism was often mistaken for love on the part of the fetishized, then, bee of a sperate hunger for acceptance, and over the years, as doctratn to power stctur strengthened, this hunger veloped to what we benignly lled “attractn.”</p><hr data-no-id="36" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="37" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Attractn is myster, but perhaps not as imperable as we thk, and s examatn n make que unfortable. Take me, for example. As an adoptee raised by whe people a very whe state, I thought pretty normal that my attractns would lie whens. If that’s what’s around, and that’s what you knew, that’s most likely what you were gog to be drawn to. I didn’t, however, realize then—before llege, before I knew many Asians—that this <em>also </em>translated to wantg to <em>be </em>whe, and often even thkg of myself as whe (the ma reason I nstantly separated myself om unflatterg Asian pictns on televisn), so when I envisned myself upledom, I envisned a monoracial set, and even through llege, as my own self-acceptance emerged, I still thought entirely normal for me to only date whe men. It wasn’t until signifintly later that I found this behavr somewhat aberrant, that by ascribg this iends-only stat to all other Asian men, I was not only furtherg the stereotype of the unsirable Asian man, but I was also bowg down to a nstct I’d bee pretty vol agast.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="38" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">Love was love was love, y, but who you loved, often tim, was termed by whe supremacy. </blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="39" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When I realized this, I felt extraordarily helpls. I thought: What uld I possibly do to change this? Was even possible to reverse so many years of batterg doctratn? How uld I strip away the stctural, mechanized, pre-packaged fns of bety and value and allow <em>actual </em>bety and value to flourish?</p><hr data-no-id="40" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="41" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">In 2009, I moved to Korea. I went there to rearch the particulars of my adoptn and to rne wh my birth fay. The were the ma reasons, the propulsive reasons, but unrlyg the reasons was also a need to separate myself om such pervasive whens: to be an Asian among Asians, to sire both my own and others’ Asian-ns. I would only date other Koreans, I told myself. I wouldn’t even look the directn of a whe man.</p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And, oddly, worked. The more I was wh Korean men, the more I wanted Korean men, and the more I wanted them, the more I wanted to <em>be </em>them. Of urse, the transformatn wasn’t to happen—I was too fundamentally Amerin—but wantg to be Korean, and failg, was an entirely different experience than wantg to be whe and failg. No Korean ever me up to me and said, “Let me gus…” No Korean ever quired about my hamburger take or asked if I’d met Brad Pt. Failg at beg Korean, while very tratg at tim, never felt like a gross personal shortg. Instead, felt like somethg I uld gently work towards, and somethg, if I tried, that would rult a rounr and more charable visn of myself. </p><hr data-no-id="43" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="44" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Back at the Mneapolis party, beme creasgly clear that I wasn’t terted this fifty-year-old man. His supposed flattery of my culture, then, turned quickly to words of spe. “Not much of a talker huh?” followed by “Maybe you’re jt lookg for a sugar-daddy. Figur,” and fally, “You know you’re not cute enough to be so stand-offish.” I’d hardly said anythg the entire time, had jt listened to him asss, exame, then berate me, and if I hadn’t been so young, if I’d had time to really unrstand what was happeng, I might’ve been more angry than unfortable: this man, a few mut’ time, had effectively rced me to a set of cultural stereotyp, and then, when I hadn’t rpond posively, had further rced me to a set of offensively simple characteristics.</p><div data-ad-exclu="(m-width: 90rem)" data-embed="embed-product" data-no-id="45" size="medium" class="size-medium align-left embed css-1iigb5k etrqhn80"><div id="product-2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" class="css-17pp2fn etrqhn81"></div><div size="medium" class="size-medium align-left css-60ezry eyaokey4"><div class="top css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</h2></div><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-role data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" data-vars-ga-product-price="$14.58" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="e11b23-79d3-4be1-a303-eb50c96aba3f" data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="1503942481" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" class="product-image-lk eyaokey0 en6kra60 css-15xslai e1c1bym14"><div class="css-zjhp4x e729n7u1"><div data-optimizely="product-image-ntaer" class="css-1pc0key e729n7u0"><img srcSet=" 640w, 980w" alt="The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" tle="The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" src="" width="333" height="500" dg="async" loadg="lazy" /></div></div></a><div size="medium" class="css-y6pcxk eyaokey1"><div class="css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</h2></div><div class="css-i2lorc e1emux0g0">Now 42% Off</div><div size="medium" class="size-medium css-g3y2dc e1a1omje0"><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" data-vars-ga-product-price="$14.58" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="e11b23-79d3-4be1-a303-eb50c96aba3f" data-vars-ga-gallery-id data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="1503942481" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" role="button" data-ab-label="ProdClick" class="product-btn-lk en6kra60 css-1i4dhmq e1c1bym14">$15 at Amazon</a></div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="46" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">But I <em>was</em> young, and I had yet to learn how to navigate this world, so stead of lashg back, I found my iend and urged him to leave.</p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“You’re not havg fun?” he said. </p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“Jt tired,” I said. </p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He looked at me for a while, then said, “You know, this <em>uld </em>be fun for you.”</p><p data-no-id="50" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And I thought about that, how this uld be fun, how right then seemed anythg <em>but </em>fun, but how <em>uld </em>be, if I tried, if I gave a chance, bee maybe this was my hort, maybe the parti were what my adult life would move towards, maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough. I mean, what did I know? I was jt begng this grown-up life.</p><p data-no-id="51" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“There’ll be other parti,” I said. </p><p data-no-id="52" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He shgged. We left. </p><p data-no-id="53" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">On the r ri home, he told me that everyone had been watchg me. The guy who’d approached me was apparently que the hot mody. He was recently sgle, havg jt broken thgs off wh his young Sgaporean boyiend, and everyone, seemed, was dyg to have a go at him.</p><p data-no-id="54" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“So I was the lucky one,” I said.</p><p data-no-id="55" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“That’s what people thought. I mean, he’s not ugly.”</p><p data-no-id="56" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I didn’t say anythg more.</p><p data-no-id="57" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The next time I saw the man at a gatherg, he was talkg to another guy, a young Malaysian guy, and he didn’t even acknowledge me.</p><p data-no-id="58" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I was fe wh that.</p><style data-emotn="css 2ok9l4">{marg-top:1.875rem;borr-top:th solid #595959;}</style><div data-jam-id="thor-b" class="css-2ok9l4 e13rjwo40"><style data-emotn="css f0b5z8">{display:grid;grid-template-lumns:to 1;grid-lumn-gap:0.625rem;paddg-top:1.25rem;paddg-bottom:1.25rem;clear:both;}</style><div class="css-f0b5z8 e19xk9rq8"><style data-emotn="css irehmq">{borr-radi:50%;height:60px;width:60px;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{width:40px;height:40px;}}</style><span class="css-irehmq e19xk9rq1"><style data-emotn="css o0wq4v">{width:100%;height:100%;borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" tle="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" width="100%" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" class="css-o0wq4v e19xk9rq3" /></span><div><style data-emotn="css 3sqxrq">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;grid-gap:4px;-webk-align-ems:basele;-webk-box-align:basele;-ms-flex-align:basele;align-ems:basele;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;}</style><div class="css-3sqxrq e19xk9rq7"><span class="css-0 e19xk9rq5"><style data-emotn="css 1yunoig">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1kgdfad">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;text-transform:upperse;lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/231272/jam-han-mattson/" class="e1c1bym13 css-1kgdfad e1c1bym14"><span>Jam Han Mattson</span></a></span></div><style data-emotn="css 8u8x58">{display:-webk-box;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:1.4;overflow:hidn;paddg-top:0.3125rem;-webk-box-orient:vertil;-webk-le-clamp:5;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{-webk-le-clamp:10;}}>*{display:le;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:CharterItalic,Geia,Tim,Serif;} p{marg:0rem;} p a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;} p a:hover{text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-8u8x58 e19xk9rq4"><p>Jam Han Mattson was born Seoul, Korea and raised North Dakota; he is the award-wng thor of two novels, <em>Reprieve </em>and <em>The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</em>, and is currently the fictn edor of <em>Hyphen </em>magaze.</p></div></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div><div class="css-79elbk eg8z2o90"><div class="css-79elbk e1tp40ll1"><div data-anchor-id="P0-0" class="css-0 e1tp40ll0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css hi6ssp">{display:block;grid-area:article_body;grid-lumn:article_body-start/article_body-end;grid-row:to;jtify-self:center;marg:1.25rem 0 0;}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(max-width: 30rem){{width:100%;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{m-height:28rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{width:488px;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:612px;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{max-width:40.25rem;}}</style><div class="css-hi6ssp eg8z2o92"></div></div></div></div><div></div><style data-emotn="css 6b9rfj">{display:block;-webk-flex-basis:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);-ms-flex-preferred-size:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);flex-basis:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);-webk-box-flex:0;-webk-flex-grow:0;-ms-flex-posive:0;flex-grow:0;-webk-flex-shrk:0;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrk:0;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:none;}}</style><div class="no-prt css-6b9rfj ewisyje1"><div><style data-emotn="css 1tuodqg">{width:330px;paddg-left:30px;}</style><div id="ad-article-rail-flt-wrapper" class="vertil-ad css-1tuodqg eqm02p30"><style data-emotn="css w0cuw4">{display:block;posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:none;}}</style><div class="vertilAdSticky css-w0cuw4 eqm02p32"><style data-emotn="css 9fasmy">{m-height:523px;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:jtify;-webk-jtify-ntent:space-between;jtify-ntent:space-between;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:138px;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{ntent:"";display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;borr-bottom:th solid #E8E8E8;}}</style><div class="standard-article-vertil-ad css-9fasmy eqm02p31"><style data-emotn="css 14b96eg">{m-width:18.75rem;text-align:center;}</style><div id="gpt-ad-vertil-top" class="ad-ntaer css-14b96eg e1hka4w80"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div data-teractive="WatchNext-1" class="css-0 e10xr3vp6"><style data-emotn="css 1pqv15d">{marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}</style><div data-embed="watch-next" class="css-1pqv15d e10xr3vp5"><style data-emotn="css 604vx7">{text-align:center;marg:0 to;max-width:60rem;borr-top:0.125rem solid #15263D;}</style><div class="css-604vx7 e10xr3vp4"><style data-emotn="css 1sowyjy">{marg-bottom:1.25rem;}</style><div class="css-1sowyjy e10xr3vp3"><style data-emotn="css ju94x7">{marg:0rem;font-weight:normal;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:0.125rem solid #15263D;text-align:left;width:-webk-f-ntent;width:-moz-f-ntent;width:f-ntent;borr-radi:2rem;display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:0.04rem;marg-top:-1rem;paddg:0.5rem 0.9375rem 0.25rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><h6 class="css-ju94x7 e10xr3vp2"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><span class="css-0 e10xr3vp1">Watch Next</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css un61">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;marg:0rem;m-height:to;paddg-top:1rem;text-align:left;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.5rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><h6 class="css-un61 e10xr3vp0"> </h6></div><style data-emotn="css b3y6x">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;--aspect-rat:56.25%;} {posn:absolute;marg:0rem;}{ntent:"";display:block;height:0rem;width:100%;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.16) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 30rem) and (max-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.43) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((33% / 1.40) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.36) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.46) + 20px + 1.66em);}}</style><div class="__rp-ntaer css-b3y6x e6l0f0"><style data-emotn="css 1yu8e3d">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;width:100%;height:100%;} .__rp-ntaer{height:to;}</style><div data-embed="embed-vio" class="vio-player css-1yu8e3d e1ou1fny0"><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css w2pm9t">{background-lor:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4);borr:.1875rem solid whe;borr-radi:50%;lor:#fff;cursor:poter;height:3.75rem;left:50%;posn:absolute;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-webk-transn:all 0.4s;transn:all 0.4s;width:3.75rem;z-x:1;}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {background-lor:rgba(33, 150, 245, 0.8);lor:#ffffff;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{top:26%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{top:29.5%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{top:32.5%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{top:34.5%;height:5.625rem;width:5.625rem;borr:.28125rem solid whe;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{top:35%;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{top:35.8%;}}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-w2pm9t e1f7ylgd1"><style data-emotn="css 1lhf7lq">{fill:#ffffff;height:1.4rem;vertil-align:middle;width:1.45rem;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:2.3125rem;height:3rem;}}</style><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" role="img" tle="Play" class="css-1lhf7lq e1f7ylgd2"><tle>play in

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* GAY ASIAN MAN

What Did They Love Me For?</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="How do whens shape our romantic liv? At a party for gay Asian men and their whe male "admirers," Jam Han Mattson nsirs the heavily racialized world of datg. " /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="Shortly after I me out, I unwtgly went to a party for gay Asian men and the whe men who fetishized . My life would never really be the same aga. " /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="Books" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2021-09-27T13:11:19Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2021-09-27T12:00:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="When I was a hman llege, a iend of me took me to a hoe party near downtown Mneapolis. I didn’t thk much of at the time—beg neteen, I seized any opportuny to drk un-rd—but after we arrived, I fot about the booze. The group was entirely male:" /><meta name="" ntent="entertament,Entertament,books,Books" /><meta name="" ntent="2021-09-27 12:00:00" /><meta name="sailth.socialtle" ntent="What Did They Love Me For?" /><meta name="ntenttype" ntent="standard-article" /><meta id="m1" name="m1" emProp="cssSelector " ntent=".ntent-hed" /><meta id="m2" name="m2" emProp="cssSelector" ntent=".ntent-k p" /><lk href="/" emSpe emType=" emRef="m1 m2" /><lk rel="preload" as="image" image-src-set=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" image-siz="100vw" /><lk rel="prefetch" href="" as="image" /><lk rel="preload" as="image" image-src-set=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" image-siz="100vw" /><meta name="next-head-unt" ntent="48" /><meta name="next-font-prennect" /><script id="vice-tect" data-nscript="beforeInteractive">(()=>{nst o="ontouchstart" wdow||!!navigator.maxTouchPots||("__touch"),t=wdow.matchMedia("only screen and (max-width: 767px)").match,n=o&&t,i=o&&!t,e=[n?"mobile":"no-mobile",i?"tablet":"no-tablet",o?"touch":"no-touch"];,,,sktop=!(n||i),(...e)})();</script><script id="lux" data-nscript="beforeInteractive">LUX=(functn(){nst a=(typeof(LUX)!=="unfed"&&typeof(LUX.gaMarks)!=="unfed"?LUX.gaMarks:[]);nst d=(typeof(LUX)!=="unfed"&&typeof(LUX.gaMeasur)!=="unfed"?LUX.gaMeasur:[]);nst j="LUX_start";nst k=wdow.performance;let l=(typeof(LUX)!=="unfed"&&(():+(new Date())));if(k&&){}functn f(){if(k&&){return ()}nst ():+(new Date());return o-l}functn b(n){if(k){if(){return (n)}if(k.webkMark){return k.webkMark(n)}}({name:n,entryType:"mark",startTime:f(),duratn:0});}functn m(p,t,n){if(typeof(t)==="unfed"&&h(j)){t=j}if(k){if(k.measure){if(t){if(n){return k.measure(p,t,n)}return k.measure(p,t)}return k.measure(p)}if(k.webkMeasure){return k.webkMeasure(p,t,n)}}let r=0; let o=f();if(t){nst s=h(t);if(s){r=s.startTime}else if(k&&[t]){[t]}else{return}}if(n){nst q=h(n);if(q){o=q.startTime}else if(k&&[n]){[n]}else{return}}({name:p,entryType:"measure",startTime:r,duratn:(o-r)});}functn h(n){return c(n,g())}functn c(p,o){for(;i>=0;i--){nst n=o[i];if(){return n}}return unfed}functn g(){if(k){if(k.getEntriByType){return k.getEntriByType("mark")}if(k.webkGetEntriByType){return k.webkGetEntriByType("mark")}}return a}return{mark:b,measure:m,gaMarks:a,gaMeasur:d}})();(():+(new Date()));[];(a){(a)};(){([""])};(){(["send"])};LUX.addData=functn(a,b){(["addData",a,b])};LUX_ae=[];wdow.addEventListener("error",functn(a){(a)});LUX_al=[];if(typeof(PerformanceObserver)==="functn"&&typeof(PerformanceLongTaskTimg)==="functn"){nst LongTaskObserver=new PerformanceObserver(functn(c){nst b=c.getEntri();for(let a=0;a<;a++){nst d=b[a];(d)}});try{LongTaskObserver.observe({type:["longtask"]})}tch(e){}}; = "StandardArticle";</script><script id="settgs" data-nscript="beforeInteractive">wdow.__FRE={env:"productn",ver:"0.7.435",cdn:te},wdow.__SITE={brand:"quire",doma:",dk:"aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZXNxdWlyZS5jb::20=",lole:"en-",lole_path:"",trailg_slash:te},feProperti(wdow,{SELF_HOSTED_ADS:{value:te,wrable:!1},ADSFREE:{value:false,wrable:!1},GDPR:{value:false,wrable:!1}});</script><lk rel="preload" href="/_assets/e/_next/static/css/" as="style" /><lk rel="stylheet" href="/_assets/e/_next/static/css/" /><noscript data-n-css></noscript><script fer noModule src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script id="moapt-data-bundle" src="/_assets/moapt/2.116.0/" async fetchprry="high" data-nscript="beforeInteractive"></script><script id="moapt-bundle" src="/_assets/moapt/2.116.0/" async fetchprry="high" data-nscript="beforeInteractive"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script fer src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/"></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/pag/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/chunks/pag/_templat/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/a6bc94528b/" fer></script><script src="/_assets/e/_next/static/a6bc94528b/" fer></script><lk rel="preload" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550.e9ff2bf.woff2" as="font" type="font/woff2" crossOrig="anonymo" /><style type="text/css" id="ferred-fonts" media="none">@font-face {font-fay: 'Inter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/ter-v3-lat-regular.c8ad008.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Glanz'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Glanz-Medium.ae4cfa9.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Charter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e38fddd1-89a4-4995-9f7f-3c701b2e62f1.dd7387f.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Charter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/74c2aebb-af4a-4c7d-a7f5-2db2c73334eb.c4fa4.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Charter'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e4fc2e26-0ce1-4e6c-bb35-330c133f041c.c08ce2c.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: alic; font-display: swap;} @font-face {font-fay: 'Lsanne'; src: url('/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550-Italic.026a034.woff2') format('woff2'); font-weight: 400; font-style: alic; font-display: swap;} </style><script type="text/javascript" id="font-loar">(()=>{nst{search:o}=wdow.lotn;if(clus("disableFonts"))return;nst e=clus("bugFonts")?()=>({}),n=document,t=[],s=o=>("> FONT FAILED TO LOAD:",o),d=o=>o,{fontsLoad:a}=ssnStorage;if(!("fonts" n)||a){nst o=n.getElementById("ferred-fonts");return o&&("all"),void(a&&(e("> LOADING FONTS FROM CACHE"),((o=>{(()(d)(s))})),(t)((()=>{e("> FONTS LOADED FROM CACHE"),("fonts-load")}))))}wdow.addEventListener("DOMContentLoad",(()=>{[{"fay":"Inter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/ter-v3-lat-regular.c8ad008.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Glanz","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Glanz-Medium.ae4cfa9.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Charter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e38fddd1-89a4-4995-9f7f-3c701b2e62f1.dd7387f.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Charter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/74c2aebb-af4a-4c7d-a7f5-2db2c73334eb.c4fa4.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":"bold","display":"swap","style":"normal"}},{"fay":"Charter","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/fonts/e4fc2e26-0ce1-4e6c-bb35-330c133f041c.c08ce2c.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"alic"}},{"fay":"Lsanne","src":"/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550-Italic.026a034.woff2","format":"woff2","scriptors":{"weight":400,"display":"swap","style":"alic"}}].forEach((({fay:o,src:e,format:n="woff",scriptors:a={}})=>{(new FontFace(o,`url('${e}') format('${n}')`,a)()(d)(s))})),(t)((o=>{e("> FONTS LOADED"),o.forEach((o=>o&&(o))),("fonts-load"),ssnStorage.fontsLoad=!0}))}))})();</script></head><body><style data-emotn="css-global 1km10">html{le-height:1.15;-webk-text-size-adjt:100%;}body{marg:0;}ma{display:block;}h1{font-size:2em;marg:0.67em 0;}hr{box-sizg:ntent-box;height:0;overflow:visible;}pre{font-fay:monospace,monospace;font-size:1em;}a{background-lor:transparent;}abbr[tle]{borr-bottom:none;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;-webk-text-ratn:unrle dotted;text-ratn:unrle dotted;}b,strong{font-weight:bolr;},kbd,samp{font-fay:monospace,monospace;font-size:1em;}small{font-size:80%;}sub,sup{font-size:75%;le-height:0;posn:relative;vertil-align:basele;}sub{bottom:-0.25em;}sup{top:-0.5em;}img{borr-style:none;}button,put,optgroup,select,textarea{font-fay:her;font-size:100%;le-height:1.15;marg:0;}button,put{overflow:visible;}button,select{text-transform:none;}button,[type='button'],[type='ret'],[type='subm']{-webk-appearance:button;}button::-moz-foc-ner,[type='button']::-moz-foc-ner,[type='ret']::-moz-foc-ner,[type='subm']::-moz-foc-ner{borr-style:none;paddg:0;}button:-moz-focrg,[type='button']:-moz-focrg,[type='ret']:-moz-focrg,[type='subm']:-moz-focrg{outle:1px dotted ButtonText;}fieldset{paddg:0.35em 0.75em 0.625em;}legend{box-sizg:borr-box;lor:her;display:table;max-width:100%;paddg:0;whe-space:normal;}progrs{vertil-align:basele;}textarea{overflow:to;}[type='checkbox'],[type='rad']{box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;}[type='number']::-webk-ner-sp-button,[type='number']::-webk-outer-sp-button{height:to;}[type='search']{-webk-appearance:textfield;outle-offset:-2px;}[type='search']::-webk-search-ratn{-webk-appearance:none;}::-webk-file-upload-button{-webk-appearance:button;font:her;}tails{display:block;}summary{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-list-em;display:-ms-list-embox;display:list-em;}template{display:none;}[hidn]{display:none;}*{box-sizg:borr-box;}html{font-fay:sans-serif;-ms-text-size-adjt:100%;-webk-font-smoothg:antialiased;-webk-text-size-adjt:100%;scroll-behavr:smooth;overflow-x:hidn;overflow-y:to;}@media (prefers-rced-motn: rce){*{-webk-animatn-duratn:0.01ms!important;animatn-duratn:0.01ms!important;-webk-animatn-eratn-unt:1!important;animatn-eratn-unt:1!important;transn-duratn:0.01ms!important;scroll-behavr:to!important;}},{overflow:hidn;} #__next, #__next{overflow:hidn;}body{m-height:100vh;m-height:-webk-fill-available;}a{lor:her;}a:foc-visible{outle:0.125rem dotted;outle-offset:0.313rem;}button{lor:her;}img:-moz-loadg{lor:transparent;}.__rp-ntaer{posn:relative;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}.__rp-ntaer:before{ntent:'""';lor:transparent;display:block;width:100%;height:0;paddg-bottom:var(--aspect-rat, 100%);}.__rp-ntaer img:not( img):not(.filmstrip-image-wrapper img):not([data-dynamic-svg]),.__rp-ntaer vio{posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;m-width:100%;height:var(--height, to);max-height:100%;object-f:var(--object-f, ver);}.__rp-ntaer vio{object-f:nta;}.__rp-ntaer {posn:absolute;top:0;}. img[importance=to]{-webk-transn:opacy 0.3s lear;transn:opacy 0.3s lear;opacy:0;}. img[importance=to].lazyload{opacy:1;}{posn:absolute;left:-10000px,width:1px;height:1px;paddg:0;marg:-1px;overflow:hidn;clip:rect(0, 0, 0, 0);whe-space:nowrap;borr-width:0;}{-webk-background-size:ver;background-size:ver;-webk-background-posn:center;background-posn:center;}@media prt{{display:none!important;}}@font-face{font-fay:'Lsanne';src:url('/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/fonts/Lsanne-550.e9ff2bf.woff2') format('woff2');font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-display:swap;}[data-embed]:not(:fed){display:none;}[data-embed]:fed{display:-webk-var(--data-embed-display, block);display:var(--data-embed-display, block);}@font-face{font-fay:"Glanz-fallback";size-adjt:97.9;src:lol('Roboto');}@font-face{font-fay:"Lsanne-fallback";size-adjt:103.49999999999997;src:lol('Roboto');}</style><div id="__next"><style data-emotn="css-global ploijv">{clear:both;}@media (m-width: 90rem){():not([data-embed]="body-image"){clear:none;}}</style><sectn data-teractive="SiPanel-1" class="css-0 e7czha50"><style data-emotn="css 72meel">{visibily:hidn;ntent-visibily:hidn;background-lor:#F5F6F8;lor:#000;width:20rem;max-width:20rem;height:100%;overflow-x:hidn;overflow-y:scroll;posn:fixed;top:0rem;z-x:5999998;-webk-transn:-webk-transform 0.2s lear;transn:transform 0.2s lear;-webk-transform:translateX(-20rem);-moz-transform:translateX(-20rem);-ms-transform:translateX(-20rem);transform:translateX(-20rem);} >div{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;m-height:100%;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;} ~.sipanelToggleable{-webk-transform:ial;-moz-transform:ial;-ms-transform:ial;transform:ial;-webk-transn:-webk-transform 0.2s lear;transn:transform 0.2s lear;}{-webk-transform:translateX(0);-moz-transform:translateX(0);-ms-transform:translateX(0);transform:translateX(0);visibily:visible;ntent-visibily:to;} ~.sipanelToggleable{-webk-transform:translateX(20rem);-moz-transform:translateX(20rem);-ms-transform:translateX(20rem);transform:translateX(20rem);}@media(m-width: 90rem){ ~.sipanelToggleable{-webk-transform:translateX(7rem);-moz-transform:translateX(7rem);-ms-transform:translateX(7rem);transform:translateX(7rem);}}</style><nav id="sipanel" aria-hidn="te" class="new-sipanel-menu hidn css-72meel eqt11jm15"><div data-foc-lock-disabled="disabled" data-foc-lock="ma"><style data-emotn="css 1kkonqv">{marg:1rem 1rem 0 1rem;paddg:0 0.6rem;width:to;height:2.1875rem;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;marg-right:6rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><a href="/search/" class="css-1kkonqv e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css 13htjwu">{width:1rem;height:1rem;}</style><svg alt="Search" tle="Search" data-dynamic-svg class="css-13htjwu eqt11jm0"><e data-href="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/"></e></svg><style data-emotn="css 10myxgw">{paddg:1rem;lor:#000000;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;}</style><span class="css-10myxgw eqt11jm14">Search</span></a><style data-emotn="css 19toa0d">{paddg:0.6rem;right:1.0625rem;top:1rem;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:absolute;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}</style><a href="#" aria-label="Close Sipanel" class="css-19toa0d e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css 1lgifh3">{width:1rem;height:1rem;fill:#000000;}</style><svg alt="Close" role="img" tle="Close" data-dynamic-svg class="css-1lgifh3 eqt11jm13"><e data-href="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/"></e></svg></a><style data-emotn="css xwjhf9">{marg:0.5rem 1rem 0.125rem;paddg:0rem;opacy:35%;height:0.0625rem;borr:0;width:to;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;}</style><hr class="css-xwjhf9 eqt11jm12" /><style data-emotn="css 1rf2j2e">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg:0.6rem;-webk-flex:1 0 to;-ms-flex:1 0 to;flex:1 0 to;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}</style><ul class="css-1rf2j2e eqt11jm11"><style data-emotn="css 1fqyieb">{-webk-transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;paddg:0 1rem;}{posn:relative;paddg:0.5rem 1rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:paddg 0.3s lear,background-lor 0.2s lear;transn:paddg 0.3s lear,background-lor 0.2s lear;}{paddg:0.5rem 1rem 0;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;}{outle:0.0625rem solid black;}@media (any-hover: hover){{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;}}</style><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><style data-emotn="css 75z2gz">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;posn:relative;width:100%;height:2.875rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:lor 0.2s lear;transn:lor 0.2s lear;} {height:unset;display:le;-webk-align-ems:unset;-webk-box-align:unset;-ms-flex-align:unset;align-ems:unset;paddg:0.5rem 0;}@media (any-hover: hover){{lor:si-panel-menu-lk;}}</style><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Subscribe</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">My Bookmarks</a></li><li data-id="3" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/entertament/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Entertament</a><style data-emotn="css pjjyzu">{posn:absolute;right:1.4rem;top:1.2rem;borr-lor:#000000;borr-style:solid;borr-width:0 0.0625rem 0.0625rem 0;paddg:0.2rem;-webk-transn:-webk-transform 0.25s ease--out;transn:transform 0.25s ease--out;cursor:poter;background-lor:transparent;lor:#fff;}.submenu-open {-webk-transform:rotate(45g);-moz-transform:rotate(45g);-ms-transform:rotate(45g);transform:rotate(45g);}.submenu-closed {-webk-transform:rotate(-45g);-moz-transform:rotate(-45g);-ms-transform:rotate(-45g);transform:rotate(-45g);}</style><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><style data-emotn="css 1t2le0x animatn-1dfsy">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg:0rem;max-height:0rem;-webk-transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;height:unset;overflow:hidn;opacy:0;visibily:hidn;-webk-animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;-webk-animatn-fill-mo:forwards;animatn-fill-mo:forwards;width:lc(100% + 2rem);marg-left:-1rem;background-lor:#F5F5F5;lor:#000;}.submenu-open {max-height:27rem;overflow-y:scroll;height:to;opacy:1;visibily:visible;marg-top:0.75rem;}.submenu-closed {max-height:0rem;}@-webk-keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}@keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}</style><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><style data-emotn="css 1e5v4ze">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;cursor:poter;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;height:2.5rem;paddg:0 1rem;} {-webk-transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;transn:background-lor 0.2s lear;} {background-lor:#969696;lor:#000;} a{opacy:0.8;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000000;}</style><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/tv/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">TV</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/movi/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Movi</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/books/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Books</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/entertament/mic/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Mic</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="/bt-of-2020/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Bt of 2020</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="/bt-of-2021/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Bt of 2021</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="4" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/style/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Style</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/mens-fashn/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Fashn</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/groomg/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Groomg</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/mens-accsori/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Accsori</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/style/big-black-book/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Big Black Book</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="5" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/food-drk/food/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Food</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/food-drk/rtrants/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Rtrants</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/ntenttype/recip/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Recip</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="6" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/food-drk/drks/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Drks</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/food-drk/bars/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Bars</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/cktail-recip/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Cocktail Recip</a></li></ul></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/sports/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Sports</a></li><li data-id="8" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/liftyle/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Liftyle</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/liftyle/rs/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Cars & Tech</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/liftyle/health/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Fns & Health</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/liftyle/money/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Money & Career</a></li></ul></li><li data-id="9" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="/news-polics/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">News & Polics</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href="/news-polics/polics/" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Charl P. Pierce</a></li></ul></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Archive</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Newsletter</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">About Us</a></li><li data-id="13" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href="#" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">Follow</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><ul class="css-1t2le0x eqt11jm10"><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">facebook</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">twter</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">google+</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">ptert</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">tumblr</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">stagram</a></li><li class="nav-em css-1e5v4ze eqt11jm8"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">youtube</a></li></ul></li><li class="nav-em css-1fqyieb eqt11jm9"><a href=" class="css-75z2gz e1c1bym14">W</a></li></ul><style data-emotn="css nu5j">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:1.5625rem 0 0.5rem 1rem;paddg:0rem;max-width:50%;} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}{ntent:"";posn:absolute;top:0.5rem;width:1rem;height:1rem;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;}.visible {-webk-mask:url(/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/);mask:url(/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/);}</style><ul class="css-nu5j eqt11jm6"><style data-emotn="css 1vjstyg">{paddg-left:1.1875rem;posn:relative;}{cursor:poter;posn:relative;}>button{top:0.8rem;right:0rem;}</style><li data-id="1" class="nav-em has-children has-submenu submenu-closed css-1vjstyg eqt11jm5"><style data-emotn="css 1y68h0e">{posn:relative;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;width:-webk-max-ntent;width:-moz-max-ntent;width:max-ntent;poter-events:none;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;}</style><a href="/" class="css-1y68h0e e1c1bym14">Other Edns</a><button role="button" tabInx="0" aria-expand="false" class="css-pjjyzu eqt11jm7"></button><style data-emotn="css 1nord4m animatn-1dfsy">{posn:relative;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg:0rem;max-height:0rem;-webk-transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;transn:max-height 0.3s cubic-bezier(0, 1, 0, 1),opacy 0.2s lear 0.15s,marg 0.3s lear;height:unset;overflow:hidn;-webk-animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;animatn:1s animatn-1dfsy;-webk-animatn-fill-mo:forwards;animatn-fill-mo:forwards;} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}.submenu-open {max-height:27rem;overflow-y:scroll;height:to;marg-top:0.625rem;}.submenu-closed {max-height:0rem;}@-webk-keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}@keyam animatn-1dfsy{99%{visibily:hidn;display:none;}100%{visibily:visible;display:block;}}</style><ul class="css-1nord4m eqt11jm4"><li dataid="1" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><style data-emotn="css gyakip">{height:1.5625rem;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.9;}@media (any-hover: hover){{-webk-transn:opacy 0.2s lear;transn:opacy 0.2s lear;}{opacy:0.8;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;}}</style><a href="/" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">US</a></li><li dataid="2" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">UK</a></li><li dataid="3" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">España</a></li><li dataid="4" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">Italia</a></li><li dataid="5" sx="[object Object]" class="nav-em"><a href="//" class="css-gyakip e1c1bym14">Japan</a></li></ul></li><li hidn></li></ul><style data-emotn="css 5a7ket">{marg:0 to;} .ei3fq280{borr:0.0625rem solid black;}</style><div class="css-5a7ket eqt11jm3"></div><style data-emotn="css sfww4i">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;width:100%;height:3.125rem;-webk-flex-shrk:0;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrk:0;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;paddg-left:1rem;}</style><footer class="sipanel-footer-ntaer css-sfww4i eqt11jm2"><style data-emotn="css 1042zvj">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:2rem;marg-right:1rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;} {-webk-transn:opacy 0.2 lear;transn:opacy 0.2 lear;} {lor:activsi-panel-sub-menu-hover;}{marg-right:0rem;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href=" class="css-1042zvj e1c1bym14">Privacy Notice</a><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href=" class="css-1042zvj e1c1bym14">Terms Of Use</a></footer></div></nav></sectn><div data-foc-lock-disabled="disabled" data-foc-lock="ma" class="sipanelToggleable"><span tabInx="0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1q1k0tc">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;posn:absolute;left:1rem;top:1rem;z-x:9999999;text-align:center;opacy:0;-webk-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-moz-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-ms-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;box-shadow:0 0 0 3px #55adff;borr:medium solid whe;font-fay:Inter,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:0.8928rem;le-height:1;font-weight:bold;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;borr-radi:1.875rem;width:to;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;}{opacy:1;-webk-transform:translateY(0%);-moz-transform:translateY(0%);-ms-transform:translateY(0%);transform:translateY(0%);}{outle:none;}</style><style data-emotn="css erzzt6">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;posn:absolute;left:1rem;top:1rem;z-x:9999999;text-align:center;opacy:0;-webk-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-moz-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-ms-transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));transform:translateY(lc(-100% - 2.5rem));-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;box-shadow:0 0 0 3px #55adff;borr:medium solid whe;font-fay:Inter,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:0.8928rem;le-height:1;font-weight:bold;background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;borr-radi:1.875rem;width:to;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;}{opacy:1;-webk-transform:translateY(0%);-moz-transform:translateY(0%);-ms-transform:translateY(0%);transform:translateY(0%);}{outle:none;}</style><a href="#ma-ntent" class="e1i650950 css-erzzt6 e1c1bym14">Skip to Content</a><style data-emotn="css 1p8n2aj">{background-lor:#F5F6F8;borr-bottom:0.125rem solid #FF3A30;lor:#000;height:100%;posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:var(--nav-offset, 0);z-x:999;}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:var(--nav-offset, 0);}}</style><nav data-trackg-id="topNav" class="css-1p8n2aj efnztv77"><style data-emotn="css 1pqs8">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;height:100%;marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg-left:0;paddg-right:0;width:100%;z-x:1;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-box-flex-wrap:nowrap;-webk-flex-wrap:nowrap;-ms-flex-wrap:nowrap;flex-wrap:nowrap;}}</style><div class="nav-bar-ntaer css-1pqs8 efnztv76"><style data-emotn="css u2qoj2">{le-height:0.7;marg-left:0.9375rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.25rem 0.5rem 0.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.25rem 0.5rem 0;} svg{fill:#000000;-webk-transn:fill 0.3s ease--out;transn:fill 0.3s ease--out;} svg:hover{fill:#595959;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{marg-left:2.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.625rem 0.5rem 0.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg-left:0rem;}} svg{width:1.875rem;height:1.875rem;}</style><a aria-label="Sipanel Button" href="#sipanel" class="css-u2qoj2 e1c1bym14"><svg alt="Menu" tle="Si Panel" data-dynamic-svg><e href="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/"></e></svg></a><style data-emotn="css 1ivqn86">{le-height:0;marg-right:to;width:7.25rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{height:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{height:1.1rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}</style><a href="/" aria-label="Esquire" class="nav-logo css-1ivqn86 e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/logos/" fetchprry="high" alt="Logo" height="to" width="to" class="css-0 e1ccpyf90" /></a><style data-emotn="css 1p3bm3c">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;borr-bottom:th solid #F5F5F5;borr-top:th solid #F5F5F5;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;overflow-x:to;overflow-y:hidn;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{background-lor:her;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{background-lor:her;borr-top:0;borr-bottom:0;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:0;-ms-flex-orr:0;orr:0;width:to;}}{height:0rem;}</style><div style="scrollbar-width: none;" class="css-1p3bm3c efnztv73"><style data-emotn="css xs3857">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;list-style:none;marg:0rem;paddg-left:1.125rem;-webk-transform:translateX(unfedpx);-moz-transform:translateX(unfedpx);-ms-transform:translateX(unfedpx);transform:translateX(unfedpx);width:100%;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:2.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}</style><ul class="css-xs3857 efnztv72"><style data-emotn="css q9n041">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.75rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:2rem;paddg:0 1.875rem 0 1.25rem;text-transform:upperse;whe-space:nowrap;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0 1.25rem 0 1.25rem;}}</style><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><style data-emotn="css c8i4ma">{lor:her;display:le-block;le-height:2.58918;m-height:3rem;m-width:3rem;paddg:.5rem 0 .5rem 0;text-align:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;-webk-transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{lor:her;}}{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 7qn7yr">{lor:her;display:le-block;le-height:2.58918;m-height:3rem;m-width:3rem;paddg:.5rem 0 .5rem 0;text-align:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;-webk-transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;transn:outle 0.3s ease--out,outle-offset 0.3s ease--out;}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{lor:her;}}{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><a href="/entertament/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Entertament</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/style/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Style</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/liftyle/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Liftyle</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/bt-products-to-buy/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">Shoppg</a></li><li class="css-q9n041 efnztv71"><a href="/news-polics/" aria-current="false" class="e1c1bym11 css-7qn7yr e1c1bym14">News & Polics</a></li></ul></div><style data-emotn="css 8wyh98">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;height:1.875rem;width:to;marg:0 0 0 to;paddg-left:1.05rem;paddg-right:1.05rem;text-align:center;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;paddg-top:0.125rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;text-transform:upperse;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;borr-radi:2rem;background:#FF3A30;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;letter-spacg:0.04rem;} {width:unset;word-spacg:unset;}@media (any-hover: hover){{-webk-transn:box-shadow 0.2s lear,background 0.2s lear;transn:box-shadow 0.2s lear,background 0.2s lear;}{;;}}{outle-lor:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;} svg{fill:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{outle:0.125rem dotted #000000;outle-offset:0.2rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><a href=" class="css-8wyh98 e1c1bym14">Subscribe</a><style data-emotn="css 1y41cbl">{paddg-right:0.9375rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{paddg-right:2.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-right:0rem;}}</style><div class="css-1y41cbl e7dmux20"><style data-emotn="css 90yh27">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.75rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:2rem;marg-left:0.3125rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg-left:0.9375rem;}}</style><a rel="nofollow" href="/th/csrf?actn=log&return_url=/" class="css-90yh27 e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css 1o5u0ki">{whe-space:nowrap;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.75rem;le-height:2rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><span class="css-1o5u0ki e7dmux21">sign </span></a></div></div></nav><div class="oop-ad css-0 e1x3pu1"><div id="gpt-ad-oop-1" class="ad-ntaer css-0 e1x3pu0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css 1ny62y9">{background-lor:bg-primary;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg-right:var(--sponsor-panel-width, to);}}</style><ma id="ma-ntent" class="css-1ny62y9 e1q9j2sb0"><style data-emotn="css 179grqf">{background-lor:#E8E8E8;lor:#000;display:none;m-width:45.5rem;paddg:0.9375rem 0;text-align:center;width:100%;}@media prt{{display:none!important;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:121px;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{display:block;}}</style><div id="gpt-learboard-ad" class="css-179grqf e1hka4w80"></div><style data-emotn="css 15s09cz">{borr-bottom:0.0625rem solid #E8E8E8;borr-top:0.0625rem solid #E8E8E8;font-fay:Inter,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.3;marg:0rem;paddg:.9375rem .625rem;text-align:center;text-transform:none;width:lc(100% + (.938rem*2));}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(m-width: 20rem){{width:100vw;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-15s09cz eidw0493"><style data-emotn="css 1c5ip">{marg:0rem;paddg-left:1.875rem;paddg-right:1.875rem;}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:2.5rem;paddg-right:2.5rem;}}</style><p class="css-1c5ip eidw0491"><span class="css-0 eidw0490">Every product was refully curated by an Esquire edor. We may earn a missn om the lks.</span></p></div><style data-emotn="css joveom">{width:100%;max-width:100vw;display:grid;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;z-x:to;}@media prt{{max-width:100%;}} .ejku7p03{top:0.75rem;right:0.75rem;bottom:to;}</style><hear class="css-joveom exadjwu12"><style data-emotn="css 1lr08az">{grid-lumn:1/-1;text-align:center;}</style><div class="css-1lr08az e12wtocy0"><style data-emotn="css mktybr">{marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;text-align:center;}@media(m-width: 64rem){[data-has-sponsor] {text-align:start;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.9375rem 1.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0 1.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-mktybr exadjwu4"><nav aria-label="breadcmbs" class="css-0 e9l0kn03"><style data-emotn="css 4j90ja">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.3;list-style:none;marg:0 to;max-width:75rem;paddg:1.25rem 1.25rem 0 1.6875rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:1.25rem 2.5rem 0 3.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg:1.25rem 0 0 0.8125rem;}}</style><ol emSpe emType=" class="css-4j90ja e9l0kn02"><style data-emotn="css zxq36b">{display:le;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><style data-emotn="css rg26">{-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}{lor:#000000;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 10asp0m">{-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}{lor:#000000;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Entertament" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Entertament</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="1" /></li><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Books" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Books</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li><style data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/a37710731/racial-fetishism-asian-men/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="What Did They Love Me For?" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">What Did They Love Me For?</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>What Did They Love Me For?<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>Shortly after I me out, I unwtgly went to a party for gay Asian men and the whe men who fetishized . My life would never really be the same aga. </p></div><style data-emotn="css 18k4ks7">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-18k4ks7 exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 1eqkg5m">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-style:normal;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><addrs class="css-1eqkg5m ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 19e0noj">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-19e0noj ehvvd9m1"><style data-emotn="css 1sa04t">{borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;marg-right:0.3125rem;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" tle="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" width="40" height="40" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" class=" css-1sa04t ehvvd9m0" />By <style data-emotn="css 7l5upj">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/231272/jam-han-mattson/" class="css-7l5upj e1c1bym14">Jam Han Mattson</a></span><style data-emotn="css 1bcsdhu">{display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-left:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><time class="css-1bcsdhu exadjwu6">Published: Sep 27, 2021</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 1mi99c5">{background-lor:#FF3A30;lor:#000000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;marg-top:0rem;marg-bottom:0rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;paddg-top:0.85rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;width:to;borr-radi:2rem;background:#FF3A30;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;letter-spacg:0.04rem;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;cursor:poter;borr:th solid #FF3A30;} svg{fill:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{marg-left:1rem;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{outle:0.125rem dotted #000000;outle-offset:0.2rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><button data-tooltip-id="article-hear-save" class="ntentSaveButton css-1mi99c5 e12nq69g1"><style data-emotn="css 7g4d0s">{width:1rem;height:1rem;marg-right:0.625rem;} path{fill:#ffffff;} path{fill:#ffffff;}</style><svg xmlns=" fill="none" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" viewBox="0 0 24 24" class="css-7g4d0s e10k4xbi2"><tle>saved ntaed in</tle><sc>An empty outled in ditg the optn to save an em</sc><path fill-le="evenodd" d="m12 17.408 7 4.4V3.5H5v18.308l7-4.4Zm-5.325 1.323L12 15.384l5.325 3.347V5.23H6.675v13.5Z" clip-le="evenodd"></path></svg>Save Article</button><style data-emotn="css 13tt5c6">{width:160px;text-align:left;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;letter-spacg:0.045rem;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.1;lor:#595959;text-transform:none;}</style></div></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css k008qs">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;}</style><div class="css-k008qs ewisyje0"><style data-emotn="css 7ce51e">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:lc(100vw - (1rem * 2));marg-left:1rem;marg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(-1 * 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc((100vw - (lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 2 * 1rem)) / -2);}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / -2) - 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 2);max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 + 1rem)) / -2) - lc(2 * 1rem));}[data-has-sponsor] {marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);marg-right:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);}}</style><div class="standard-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-7ce51e ewisyje3"><style data-emotn="css trzem2">{jtify-self:center;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:-50vw;marg-right:-50vw;width:100vw;left:50%;right:50%;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead css-trzem2 ewisyje6"><style data-emotn="css sm2oir">{height:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead-image css-sm2oir e5f9kgu2"><style data-emotn="css eag3eq">{posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div class="css-eag3eq e5f9kgu1"><style data-emotn="css 335qep">{posn:relative;width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;vertil-align:top;}</style><img fetchPrry="high" alt="jam han mattson" tle="jam han mattson" width="2000" height="1000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-335qep exi4f7p0" /></div><style data-emotn="css 285vyd">{le-height:1;}@media(max-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0;}}</style><figptn class="css-285vyd enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 1mcfn5x">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-right:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Elae Chung</span></figptn></div></div><style data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css am5pt0">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">When I was a hman llege, a iend of me took me to a hoe party near downtown Mneapolis. I didn’t thk much of at the time—beg neteen, I seized any opportuny to drk un-rd—but after we arrived, I fot about the booze. The group was entirely male: about 90% Asian, most their twenti, the rt whe and signifintly olr. The were hawkish yet clumsy men who lumbered om Asian guy to Asian guy, leerg, while the Asian men giggled, or flirted, or acted strangely grateful. Some of the Asian men danced. Some stood at the perimeter, asssg. All of them, seemed, were vyg for the attentn of the olr whe men. </p><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I got a beer, avoid eye ntact, and when I returned to my iend, a fellow gay Asian guy, I leaned and said, “What <em>is </em>this?”</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="2" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1643r8a">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:0rem;}</style><asi class="css-1643r8a e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css l3w2xc">{display:le-block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;borr-top:0.25rem solid #15263D;paddg-right:1.1rem;paddg-top:0.4375rem;text-transform:lowerse;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;}</style><h6 class="css-l3w2xc e6pr2lz3"><style data-emotn="css 156fvc1">{borr-bottom:0.4375rem solid #FF3A30;borr-right:0.4375rem solid transparent;ntent:'';display:le-block;height:0;marg-right:0.5rem;width:0;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-156fvc1 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Related Stori</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css 79zw4t">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;paddg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:1.4;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;}</style><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/liftyle/a36881723/gay-asian-amerin-men-inty-qutn/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="gay asian amerin men" tle="The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">The Gay Asian-Amerin Male Experience</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/news-polics/a36557765/asian-amerin-iny-language-assimialtn-reclamatn/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="asian amerin language" tle="Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Language Don't Defe Me as an Asian Amerin</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/entertament/books/a36448936/amy-tan-pbs-documentary-terview-untend-memoir/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="amy tan" tle="Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Amy Tan Is Wrg Through the Qutns</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “It’s an Asian group,” he said. “For Asians and their admirers.”</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “And all the admirers are old whe guys?”</p><p data-no-id="5" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> He shgged, drank. “I gus,” he said. </p><p data-no-id="6" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I felt, for a moment, unmoored. Though I’d told him I didn’t re where we went, jt that I wanted to drk, I hadn’t expected to be thst to such a d environment, one wh a clear race and age divi. As we mgled, I felt sctized, an obv newbie, so I stayed close to my iend. </p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“Relax,” he said. “You’re actg weird.”</p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I breathed ep, took ep swigs of my beer. </p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He troduced me to a group of guys, all Asian, and I sed, chatted, gave perfunctory answers to perfunctory qutns. When my iend exced himself to go to the bathroom, I tried to jo the nversatn—y, Madonna <em>was </em>amazg, and no, I <em>hadn’t </em>heard the new sgle—but beme very clear very quickly that I still languished the land of perfunctory rpons. The group, disapprovg, turned abptly exclive, and I found myself alone, feelg dreadfully nspicuo.</p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> Then, a savr.</p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">A man me up to me. A whe man thrice my age. He said, “Let me gus, Che.”</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> My stomach dropped.</p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “Well you’re not Vietname or Indonian or Thai—you’re too big. Japane? No. Too thick. Not Korean eher bee your face isn’t…hmm. Mongolian?”</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="14" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css ow0dpz">{borr:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:100%;ntent:'';display:block;height:2.1875rem;left:50%;marg:-0.99rem to 0 -1.33rem;posn:absolute;width:2.1875rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css la9czl">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}{ntent:'＂';display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:3.4375rem;le-height:0.72;font-style:alic;paddg:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;}</style><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">External expectatn mand that I not only know but love the exoticism attached to my exterr.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="15" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I looked toward the bathroom, willg my iend to e back.</p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “I’m right, aren’t I,” the man said.</p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “I’m Korean,” I said.</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> “You’re <em>not</em>,” he said. “Oh my god. But yeah, I see now. God, I <em>love </em>Koreans. The food, the culture. Amazg.”</p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"> I flhed. The nversatns embarrassed me. I was a Korean adoptee, raised North Dakota by whe parents; I had yet to unrstand what beg Korean actually meant. External expectatn, however, mand that I not only know but love the exoticism attached to my exterr, so while I’d experienced plenty of the nversatns before, they still felt shockgly h every time they occurred. What <em>are </em>you? the people implored. Oh you’re <em>that</em>? I <em>love </em>that! Let me tell you how much I know about you. Let me <em>pliment </em>you bee you’re <em>that. </em>Feel wele bee I unrstand you! Feel imprsed by my knowledge! Feel honored that I’ve studied you! Your kd is <em>amazg!</em></p><style data-emotn="css 18pb4rg">{borr:0;borr-bottom:th solid black;marg:1.875rem 0;clear:both;}</style><hr data-no-id="20" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="21" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0"> In high school, I remember watchg a <em>Sefeld</em> episo tled "The Che Woman." In , Jerry, after gettg off the phone wh a woman named Donna Chang (who, ’s revealed, is actually a blond woman om Long Island named Donna Changste), adms to likg Che women. Elae lls him out, tells him that what he’s said is a b racist. He rponds by sayg, “If I like their race, how n that be racist?”</p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Back then, I agreed wh this sentiment. Racism was about hate, I thought, not love, so if Jerry profsed a sire for this particular race, how <em>uld </em> be racist? If your feelgs were posive, how <em>uld </em>they be offensive? People had preferenc. Some liked blonds, some bt, some tall, some short—so what was the difference if someone preferred Che people?</p><style data-emotn="css 8c6v">{posn:absolute;left:-10000px;top:to;width:1px;height:1px;overflow:hidn;}</style><div data-ad-exclu class="css-8c6v ehha8ut0">This ntent is imported om youTube. You may be able to fd the same ntent another format, or you may be able to fd more rmatn, at their web se.</div><style data-emotn="css 9angbx">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;m-height:299px;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{m-height:163px;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{m-height:252px;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{m-height:347px;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:299px;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{m-height:344px;}}</style><div data-embed="youtube" data-no-id="23" class="embed align-center css-9angbx exa3d2e3"><style data-emotn="css 79elbk">{posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-79elbk exa3d2e2"><style data-emotn="css b0nlql">{background:lear-gradient(rgba(0,0,0,.8) , rgba(0,0,0,0) 95%);background-repeat:no-repeat;-webk-background-size:100% 60px;background-size:100% 60px;posn:absolute;top:0rem;left:0rem;right:0rem;bottom:0rem;z-x:2;height:60px;poter-events:her;}</style><div class="css-b0nlql exa3d2e1"></div><style data-emotn="css 8vvrvc">{lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:18px;height:60px;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;posn:absolute;paddg-left:1rem;left:0rem;right:0rem;top:0rem;text-shadow:0 0 2px rgba(0,0,0,0.5);z-x:4;}</style><div class="css-8vvrvc exa3d2e0"></div><style data-emotn="css 52d8dn">{background:rgba(23,23,23,0.8);borr-bottom-right-radi:2px;borr-top-right-radi:2px;bottom:5px;lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-weight:500;font-size:16px;le-height:16px;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;height:47px;paddg:16px 12px;posn:absolute;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;z-x:2;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1exe7l8">{background:rgba(23,23,23,0.8);borr-bottom-right-radi:2px;borr-top-right-radi:2px;bottom:5px;lor:#fff;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-weight:500;font-size:16px;le-height:16px;font-fay:"YouTube Noto",Roboto,Arial,Helveti,sans-serif;height:47px;paddg:16px 12px;posn:absolute;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;z-x:2;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" aria-label="Watch on YouTube" href=" class="exa3d2e5 css-1exe7l8 e1c1bym14"><span>Watch on</span><style data-emotn="css 49nnnm">{display:block;height:16px;marg-left:9px;width:72px;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="Watch on YouTube" width="to" height="to" class="css-49nnnm exa3d2e4" /></a><style data-emotn="css 1uds6oo">{height:100%;width:100%;posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css 1vn4202">{background:none;borr:0;posn:absolute;left:50%;top:50%;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);z-x:1;cursor:poter;}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-1vn4202 e1f7ylgd0"><style data-emotn="css a0gows">{opacy:0.8;-webk-transn:opacy .25s cubic-bezier(0,0,0.2,1);transn:opacy .25s cubic-bezier(0,0,0.2,1);}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {opacy:1;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/;sendary=%2523ffffff" loadg="lazy" alt="youtube in" width="68" height="68" class="css-a0gows e1f7ylgd3" /></button><style data-emotn="css 157wciq">{width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;cursor:poter;}</style><style data-emotn="css g939jb">{width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;cursor:poter;}</style><img alt="This is an image" tle="Vio player poster image" loadg="lazy" width="2000" height="1000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="e1f7ylgd5 css-g939jb exi4f7p0" /></div></div></div><p data-no-id="24" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Bee I’d had so ltle exposure to Asian people of any sort, didn’t occur to me then that “Che” wasn’t a physil characteristic. Once a while, I’d see an Asian person picted on TV, mostly an unflatterg way, and I’d be like: Nope. No way. Not <em>me</em>. Not what<em> I’d</em> want a partner<em>.</em> I effectively othered this group of people, om whom I tegorilly distanced myself, bee they were picted, on TV anyway, as unattractive, short, dark-haired, small-eyed people who spoke broken English. Who’d want that? I thought. But then: if that’s your <em>thg</em>—different strok and all.</p><p data-no-id="25" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It wasn’t until llege, until I beiend a number of ternatnal stunts, that I renfigured how I saw race, and my own race particular. Through many nversatns, I learned that my thkg, for years, had been rooted a refal to accept myself as part of an Asian muny. I was different, I’d thought. I wasn’t like them. My parents were whe. My iends were whe. I was basilly whe.</p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">But of urse, I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t be treated as such, no matter how hard I tried.</p><hr data-no-id="27" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="28" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">At the Mneapolis party, the man ntued discsg his love for all thgs Korean. He said <em>Anyeonghaseyo. </em>He talked about bibimbap. He talked about Korean men beg more assertive, more manly than Japane. He said, “It’s my dream to go to North Korea, you know? Jt to see . I know ’s msed up, but ’s gotta be <em>fascatg.</em>” I stood quietly. I didn’t know what he was talkg about. My experience wh anythg Korean was limed to the posters the stunt unn advertisg study abroad programs. I had no Korean iends. I knew no Korean words. I’d had very, very ltle experience wh Korean food. But still, this guy went on.</p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“I know I said Mongolian before, but I actually <em>knew </em>you were Korean,” he said. “I have this tun.”</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The man had yet to ask me anythg real about myself. The “Korean” intifier gave him license to know me. I was, to him, a set of prenceived ias. Later, of urse, I’d unrstand that this strippg of humany embodied what meant to be a fetishist.</p><hr data-no-id="31" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="32" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0"> Before the party, I’d naively thought that people simply fell love wh people, that while physil preferenc (which, my md at the time, clud race) ially drew people to each other, love self was as picted the media: that is, some smic, nebulo force that rulted long stretch of mania, elatn, obssn, and longg. The stctural mechanisms dictatg the circumstanc for the pairgs wasn’t somethg I thought too hard about. Why would I? I mean: what a downer! Love was love was love: no e ponrg the muddy specifics. As time went on, however, and the dynamics of the parti crystallized, as I started beiendg some of the Asians and whe men alike, I realized that much more than preference shaped the teractns. A power dynamic was play: the larger percentage of Asians longed for urtship om the small number of whe men, no matter what they looked like, no matter their profsnal statns life, no matter their social grac or (more often) lack thereof. As a llective, they accepted the standard, media-driven pictns of romance, which were populated almost exclively by whe upl. Sce they weren’t whe, sce there was no way they uld fully enter that world of amoro possibily, they sacrificed the mysteri and excements of love simply to be partnered to a whe person, some of whom they didn’t even like. They were often obliv, or nial, or so hungry for acceptance that they ignored their romantic obssns wh whens, chalkg up to preference. </p><style data-emotn="css 1iigb5k">{clear:none;posn:relative;text-align:center;word-break:break-word;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:100%;}{max-width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{text-align:left;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:left;marg-left:0rem;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:right;marg-right:0rem;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}</style><div data-ad-exclu="(m-width: 90rem)" data-embed="embed-product" data-no-id="33" size="medium" class="size-medium align-left embed css-1iigb5k etrqhn80"><style data-emotn="css 17pp2fn">{posn:absolute;top:-1rem;}</style><div id="product-47efb6bd-4e4e-4d1a-b121-95c333b35693" class="css-17pp2fn etrqhn81"></div><style data-emotn="css 60ezry">@media(m-width: 48rem){{display:grid;grid-template-lumns:40% 1;grid-template-areas:"product_media product_tails";}}</style><div size="medium" class="size-medium align-left css-60ezry eyaokey4"><style data-emotn="css 10ck1xh">{grid-area:product_hear;-webk-orr:0;-ms-flex-orr:0;orr:0;}{display:block;text-align:center;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{text-align:left;}}(){display:none;}</style><div class="top css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><style data-emotn="css 6nsryy">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.125rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">Reprieve</h2></div><style data-emotn="css 1jyqnnr">{grid-area:product_media;marg-bottom:0rem;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;}} a{marg-top:0rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1gqytoh">{grid-area:product_media;marg-bottom:0rem;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;}} a{marg-top:0rem;}</style><style data-emotn="css 15xslai">{grid-area:product_media;marg-bottom:0rem;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{-webk-orr:1;-ms-flex-orr:1;orr:1;}} a{marg-top:0rem;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for Reprieve" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-role data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="47efb6bd-4e4e-4d1a-b121-95c333b35693" data-vars-ga-product-price="$15.39" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="141dd74e-e7cf-45e1-adfc-c13a03c5b2ab" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-tegory="Mystery" data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="0063079917" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" class="product-image-lk eyaokey0 en6kra60 css-15xslai e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css zjhp4x">{max-width:100%;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;} img{height:100%;max-height:100vw;max-width:100%;object-f:nta;object-posn:50% 50%;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 48rem){ img{max-height:20.625rem;}}</style><div class="css-zjhp4x e729n7u1"><style data-emotn="css 1pc0key">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div data-optimizely="product-image-ntaer" class="css-1pc0key e729n7u0"><img srcSet=" 640w, 980w" alt="Reprieve" tle="Reprieve" src="" width="329" height="500" dg="async" loadg="lazy" /></div></div></a><style data-emotn="css y6pcxk">{marg-top:0.9375rem;-webk-orr:3;-ms-flex-orr:3;orr:3;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:0.625rem;marg-right:0.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{marg-left:0rem;marg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg-top:0rem;}}</style><div size="medium" class="css-y6pcxk eyaokey1"><div class="css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">Reprieve</h2></div><style data-emotn="css i2lorc">{marg-bottom:0.625rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-top:0.3125rem;lor:#006603;}</style><div class="css-i2lorc e1emux0g0">Now 45% Off</div><style data-emotn="css g3y2dc">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{-webk-align-ems:flex-start;-webk-box-align:flex-start;-ms-flex-align:flex-start;align-ems:flex-start;}}</style><div size="medium" class="size-medium css-g3y2dc e1a1omje0"><style data-emotn="css 6po5wf">{background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1i4dhmq">{background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for Reprieve" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="47efb6bd-4e4e-4d1a-b121-95c333b35693" data-vars-ga-product-price="$15.39" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="141dd74e-e7cf-45e1-adfc-c13a03c5b2ab" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-tegory="Mystery" data-vars-ga-gallery-id data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="0063079917" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" role="button" data-ab-label="ProdClick" class="product-btn-lk en6kra60 css-1i4dhmq e1c1bym14">$15 at Amazon</a></div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="34" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Time after time I’d see an Asian man pe after a whe man who’d ignore him, or publicly disrpect him, or mock him, or dump him unceremonly for another Asian man, their bodi seemgly terchangeable. The Asian guy would evably fall apart while the whe guy moved on to his next body of lor. </p><p data-no-id="35" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Given the unsettlg observatns, I nclud that love was love was love, y, but who you loved, often tim, was termed by whe supremacy. Those who profsed undyg allegiance to your exotic, faraway culture<em>, </em>no matter how or where you were raised, often mand that you adhere to their flty and rctive notns of your race, or else be disrd, your nonnformy assltg their ia of foreign thenticy. Fetishism was often mistaken for love on the part of the fetishized, then, bee of a sperate hunger for acceptance, and over the years, as doctratn to power stctur strengthened, this hunger veloped to what we benignly lled “attractn.”</p><hr data-no-id="36" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="37" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Attractn is myster, but perhaps not as imperable as we thk, and s examatn n make que unfortable. Take me, for example. As an adoptee raised by whe people a very whe state, I thought pretty normal that my attractns would lie whens. If that’s what’s around, and that’s what you knew, that’s most likely what you were gog to be drawn to. I didn’t, however, realize then—before llege, before I knew many Asians—that this <em>also </em>translated to wantg to <em>be </em>whe, and often even thkg of myself as whe (the ma reason I nstantly separated myself om unflatterg Asian pictns on televisn), so when I envisned myself upledom, I envisned a monoracial set, and even through llege, as my own self-acceptance emerged, I still thought entirely normal for me to only date whe men. It wasn’t until signifintly later that I found this behavr somewhat aberrant, that by ascribg this iends-only stat to all other Asian men, I was not only furtherg the stereotype of the unsirable Asian man, but I was also bowg down to a nstct I’d bee pretty vol agast.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="38" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">Love was love was love, y, but who you loved, often tim, was termed by whe supremacy. </blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="39" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When I realized this, I felt extraordarily helpls. I thought: What uld I possibly do to change this? Was even possible to reverse so many years of batterg doctratn? How uld I strip away the stctural, mechanized, pre-packaged fns of bety and value and allow <em>actual </em>bety and value to flourish?</p><hr data-no-id="40" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="41" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">In 2009, I moved to Korea. I went there to rearch the particulars of my adoptn and to rne wh my birth fay. The were the ma reasons, the propulsive reasons, but unrlyg the reasons was also a need to separate myself om such pervasive whens: to be an Asian among Asians, to sire both my own and others’ Asian-ns. I would only date other Koreans, I told myself. I wouldn’t even look the directn of a whe man.</p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And, oddly, worked. The more I was wh Korean men, the more I wanted Korean men, and the more I wanted them, the more I wanted to <em>be </em>them. Of urse, the transformatn wasn’t to happen—I was too fundamentally Amerin—but wantg to be Korean, and failg, was an entirely different experience than wantg to be whe and failg. No Korean ever me up to me and said, “Let me gus…” No Korean ever quired about my hamburger take or asked if I’d met Brad Pt. Failg at beg Korean, while very tratg at tim, never felt like a gross personal shortg. Instead, felt like somethg I uld gently work towards, and somethg, if I tried, that would rult a rounr and more charable visn of myself. </p><hr data-no-id="43" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="44" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Back at the Mneapolis party, beme creasgly clear that I wasn’t terted this fifty-year-old man. His supposed flattery of my culture, then, turned quickly to words of spe. “Not much of a talker huh?” followed by “Maybe you’re jt lookg for a sugar-daddy. Figur,” and fally, “You know you’re not cute enough to be so stand-offish.” I’d hardly said anythg the entire time, had jt listened to him asss, exame, then berate me, and if I hadn’t been so young, if I’d had time to really unrstand what was happeng, I might’ve been more angry than unfortable: this man, a few mut’ time, had effectively rced me to a set of cultural stereotyp, and then, when I hadn’t rpond posively, had further rced me to a set of offensively simple characteristics.</p><div data-ad-exclu="(m-width: 90rem)" data-embed="embed-product" data-no-id="45" size="medium" class="size-medium align-left embed css-1iigb5k etrqhn80"><div id="product-2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" class="css-17pp2fn etrqhn81"></div><div size="medium" class="size-medium align-left css-60ezry eyaokey4"><div class="top css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</h2></div><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-role data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" data-vars-ga-product-price="$14.58" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="e11b23-79d3-4be1-a303-eb50c96aba3f" data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="1503942481" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" class="product-image-lk eyaokey0 en6kra60 css-15xslai e1c1bym14"><div class="css-zjhp4x e729n7u1"><div data-optimizely="product-image-ntaer" class="css-1pc0key e729n7u0"><img srcSet=" 640w, 980w" alt="The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" tle="The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" src="" width="333" height="500" dg="async" loadg="lazy" /></div></div></a><div size="medium" class="css-y6pcxk eyaokey1"><div class="css-10ck1xh eyaokey2"><h2 class="css-6nsryy e8seki10">The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</h2></div><div class="css-i2lorc e1emux0g0">Now 42% Off</div><div size="medium" class="size-medium css-g3y2dc e1a1omje0"><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$15 at Amazon for The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$15 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="2c34b3da-4444-4d4f-93-7d75d984529e" data-vars-ga-product-price="$14.58" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="e11b23-79d3-4be1-a303-eb50c96aba3f" data-vars-ga-gallery-id data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="1503942481" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" role="button" data-ab-label="ProdClick" class="product-btn-lk en6kra60 css-1i4dhmq e1c1bym14">$15 at Amazon</a></div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="46" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">But I <em>was</em> young, and I had yet to learn how to navigate this world, so stead of lashg back, I found my iend and urged him to leave.</p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“You’re not havg fun?” he said. </p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“Jt tired,” I said. </p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He looked at me for a while, then said, “You know, this <em>uld </em>be fun for you.”</p><p data-no-id="50" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And I thought about that, how this uld be fun, how right then seemed anythg <em>but </em>fun, but how <em>uld </em>be, if I tried, if I gave a chance, bee maybe this was my hort, maybe the parti were what my adult life would move towards, maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough. I mean, what did I know? I was jt begng this grown-up life.</p><p data-no-id="51" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“There’ll be other parti,” I said. </p><p data-no-id="52" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He shgged. We left. </p><p data-no-id="53" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">On the r ri home, he told me that everyone had been watchg me. The guy who’d approached me was apparently que the hot mody. He was recently sgle, havg jt broken thgs off wh his young Sgaporean boyiend, and everyone, seemed, was dyg to have a go at him.</p><p data-no-id="54" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“So I was the lucky one,” I said.</p><p data-no-id="55" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“That’s what people thought. I mean, he’s not ugly.”</p><p data-no-id="56" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I didn’t say anythg more.</p><p data-no-id="57" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The next time I saw the man at a gatherg, he was talkg to another guy, a young Malaysian guy, and he didn’t even acknowledge me.</p><p data-no-id="58" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I was fe wh that.</p><style data-emotn="css 2ok9l4">{marg-top:1.875rem;borr-top:th solid #595959;}</style><div data-jam-id="thor-b" class="css-2ok9l4 e13rjwo40"><style data-emotn="css f0b5z8">{display:grid;grid-template-lumns:to 1;grid-lumn-gap:0.625rem;paddg-top:1.25rem;paddg-bottom:1.25rem;clear:both;}</style><div class="css-f0b5z8 e19xk9rq8"><style data-emotn="css irehmq">{borr-radi:50%;height:60px;width:60px;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{width:40px;height:40px;}}</style><span class="css-irehmq e19xk9rq1"><style data-emotn="css o0wq4v">{width:100%;height:100%;borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" tle="Headshot of Jam Han Mattson" width="100%" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" class="css-o0wq4v e19xk9rq3" /></span><div><style data-emotn="css 3sqxrq">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;grid-gap:4px;-webk-align-ems:basele;-webk-box-align:basele;-ms-flex-align:basele;align-ems:basele;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;}</style><div class="css-3sqxrq e19xk9rq7"><span class="css-0 e19xk9rq5"><style data-emotn="css 1yunoig">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1kgdfad">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;text-transform:upperse;lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/231272/jam-han-mattson/" class="e1c1bym13 css-1kgdfad e1c1bym14"><span>Jam Han Mattson</span></a></span></div><style data-emotn="css 8u8x58">{display:-webk-box;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:1.4;overflow:hidn;paddg-top:0.3125rem;-webk-box-orient:vertil;-webk-le-clamp:5;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{-webk-le-clamp:10;}}>*{display:le;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:CharterItalic,Geia,Tim,Serif;} p{marg:0rem;} p a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;} p a:hover{text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-8u8x58 e19xk9rq4"><p>Jam Han Mattson was born Seoul, Korea and raised North Dakota; he is the award-wng thor of two novels, <em>Reprieve </em>and <em>The Lost Prayers of Ricky Grav</em>, and is currently the fictn edor of <em>Hyphen </em>magaze.</p></div></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div><div class="css-79elbk eg8z2o90"><div class="css-79elbk e1tp40ll1"><div data-anchor-id="P0-0" class="css-0 e1tp40ll0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css hi6ssp">{display:block;grid-area:article_body;grid-lumn:article_body-start/article_body-end;grid-row:to;jtify-self:center;marg:1.25rem 0 0;}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(max-width: 30rem){{width:100%;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{m-height:28rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{width:488px;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:612px;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{max-width:40.25rem;}}</style><div class="css-hi6ssp eg8z2o92"></div></div></div></div><div></div><style data-emotn="css 6b9rfj">{display:block;-webk-flex-basis:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);-ms-flex-preferred-size:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);flex-basis:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);-webk-box-flex:0;-webk-flex-grow:0;-ms-flex-posive:0;flex-grow:0;-webk-flex-shrk:0;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrk:0;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:none;}}</style><div class="no-prt css-6b9rfj ewisyje1"><div><style data-emotn="css 1tuodqg">{width:330px;paddg-left:30px;}</style><div id="ad-article-rail-flt-wrapper" class="vertil-ad css-1tuodqg eqm02p30"><style data-emotn="css w0cuw4">{display:block;posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:none;}}</style><div class="vertilAdSticky css-w0cuw4 eqm02p32"><style data-emotn="css 9fasmy">{m-height:523px;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:jtify;-webk-jtify-ntent:space-between;jtify-ntent:space-between;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:138px;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{ntent:"";display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;borr-bottom:th solid #E8E8E8;}}</style><div class="standard-article-vertil-ad css-9fasmy eqm02p31"><style data-emotn="css 14b96eg">{m-width:18.75rem;text-align:center;}</style><div id="gpt-ad-vertil-top" class="ad-ntaer css-14b96eg e1hka4w80"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div data-teractive="WatchNext-1" class="css-0 e10xr3vp6"><style data-emotn="css 1pqv15d">{marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}</style><div data-embed="watch-next" class="css-1pqv15d e10xr3vp5"><style data-emotn="css 604vx7">{text-align:center;marg:0 to;max-width:60rem;borr-top:0.125rem solid #15263D;}</style><div class="css-604vx7 e10xr3vp4"><style data-emotn="css 1sowyjy">{marg-bottom:1.25rem;}</style><div class="css-1sowyjy e10xr3vp3"><style data-emotn="css ju94x7">{marg:0rem;font-weight:normal;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:0.125rem solid #15263D;text-align:left;width:-webk-f-ntent;width:-moz-f-ntent;width:f-ntent;borr-radi:2rem;display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:0.04rem;marg-top:-1rem;paddg:0.5rem 0.9375rem 0.25rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><h6 class="css-ju94x7 e10xr3vp2"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><span class="css-0 e10xr3vp1">Watch Next</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css un61">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;marg:0rem;m-height:to;paddg-top:1rem;text-align:left;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.5rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><h6 class="css-un61 e10xr3vp0"> </h6></div><style data-emotn="css b3y6x">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;--aspect-rat:56.25%;} {posn:absolute;marg:0rem;}{ntent:"";display:block;height:0rem;width:100%;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.16) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 30rem) and (max-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.43) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((33% / 1.40) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.36) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.46) + 20px + 1.66em);}}</style><div class="__rp-ntaer css-b3y6x e6l0f0"><style data-emotn="css 1yu8e3d">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;width:100%;height:100%;} .__rp-ntaer{height:to;}</style><div data-embed="embed-vio" class="vio-player css-1yu8e3d e1ou1fny0"><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css w2pm9t">{background-lor:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4);borr:.1875rem solid whe;borr-radi:50%;lor:#fff;cursor:poter;height:3.75rem;left:50%;posn:absolute;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-webk-transn:all 0.4s;transn:all 0.4s;width:3.75rem;z-x:1;}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {background-lor:rgba(33, 150, 245, 0.8);lor:#ffffff;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{top:26%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{top:29.5%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{top:32.5%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{top:34.5%;height:5.625rem;width:5.625rem;borr:.28125rem solid whe;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{top:35%;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{top:35.8%;}}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-w2pm9t e1f7ylgd1"><style data-emotn="css 1lhf7lq">{fill:#ffffff;height:1.4rem;vertil-align:middle;width:1.45rem;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:2.3125rem;height:3rem;}}</style><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" role="img" tle="Play" class="css-1lhf7lq e1f7ylgd2"><tle>play in .