Comg out to dad: Young gay and bisexual men’s experienc disclosg same-sex attractn to their fathers - PMC

Contents:

• FOR A MOM, LEARNG TO ACCEPT A GAY SON WAS 'NONNEGOTIABLE'
• DAD'S TOUCHG LETTER ACCEPTG GAY SON GO VIRAL
• PARENTG A GAY CHILD
• I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY
• MAGIC JOHNSON ON LEARNG TO ACCEPT HIS GAY SON: 'HE CHANGED ME'
• WHEN HIS SON CAME OUT AS GAY, THIS PASTOR DELIVERED A SERMON OF SUPPORT
• 'ACCEPT' AND 'TOLERATE' MY GAY KID? THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
• 'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN
• HOW TO UNRSTAND AND ACCEPT YOUR GAY SON: (EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT SURE YOU CAN) PAPERBACK – FEBARY 8, 2015
• COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN’S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS
• HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS
• MORN DOS AND DON'TS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS G OUT
• ‘MY PARENTS STILL WON’T ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY!’

FOR A MOM, LEARNG TO ACCEPT A GAY SON WAS 'NONNEGOTIABLE'

"It is rare to work wh parents of a gay child who have not stggled wh the feelg of loss at some pot the procs of acceptg their child as gay, " my -thor, Jonathan Tobk, M. " Yet Tobk has found that "gay people tell you they are happy wh who they are and feel that they have emerged on the other si of g out as strong, sensive, and rilient dividuals. When he me out to his mother, Connie Casey, she sent him to a seri of nversn therapy mistri affiliated wh Exod Internatnal, the Christian anizatn that fold this month and apologized to the gay muny for tryg to "rrect" same-sex attractn.

'I’ve known you were gay sce you were six, I’ve loved you sce you were born': Dad’s touchg letter acceptg gay son go viral Published: 05:15 BST, 16 March 2013 | Updated: 17:24 BST, 18 March 2013 A simple gture of unndnal love om a dad to his gay son has taken the ter by Michigan high-school stunt, known only as Nate, had clearly been ncerned about revealg his sexualy to his his g out nversatn was preempted by his father, who wrote a tenr note explag that he had known his son was gay for years and simply didn't re. ' Touchg: One Michigan dad put his son's fears about g out to rt wh this lovg letter The note first appeared on the Facebook page of, an anti-homophobia anizatn, on Thursday. I grew up outsi of New York Cy, the meltg pot, attend llege and worked New York, yet when I found out my son, Jam, age 13, was gay, I reverted to "not my backyard.

DAD'S TOUCHG LETTER ACCEPTG GAY SON GO VIRAL

When I terviewed straight parents for When Your Child Is Gay, they ed words such as fear, shock, helplsns, strs, and extreme sadns to scribe their experienc wh nial. You may say that parentg is parentg, but the straight parent of a gay child has to al wh addnal issu such as bullyg, possible low self-teem of their child, discrimatn, to name a few.

UPSET: Mary n't e to terms wh the fact that her son is gay / pic posed by molsI was vastated and me as a shock bee Gav has the past brought girliends home to meet . Perhaps is ls difficult than once was bee there is ls secrecy and ls opprobrium surroundg homosexualy but is still hard bee upsets all your expectatns about your mt have been very difficult for Gav to e home and tell you this. " At the time, Danny told his ngregatn about the moment his son me out: "I was drivg my son Drew to school, and he turned over to me and he says, 'Dad, I'm gay.

Rob Portman (R-Oh) reversed his stance on gay marriage, largely bee his son is gay, and although I felt like I should have been happy about , left a bad taste my mouth. I cherish the good stori, but there's often a moment those good stori that mak my heart hurt: when they tell me how happy they are that their parents "still" love them -- bee all those kids knew that not lovg them was an policians there is a lot talk of "acceptance" and "tolerance" when to homosexualy, and I n't help but thk that those are the wrong words. Lovg someone but hatg the fact that he or she is gay would be like lovg someone but hatg the fact that he or she has arms or what about those parents who do "accept" and "tolerate" their gay children?

PARENTG A GAY CHILD

Words like "accept" and "tolerate" do not dite good thgs; the ntext of homosexualy, they imply that there is somethg wrong wh beg gay that parents have to put up wh. " When we cherish and celebrate who our children are, then maybe the sred gay kids this untry will stop worryg about whether their parents will "still" love them and will simply know they are loved unndnally. ’”Chris, sadly, isn’t alone his story of parental fa of equalyAt the time I terviewed him, a Brazilian mother who killed her teenage son for beg gay is sentenced to 25 years prison.

I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY

Celebry stori of heartbreakg parental rejectn are also November, the Amerin thor and producer Robyn Crawford released a book nfirmg she had had a romantic relatnship wh Whney Hoton – but had to abandon out of fear of the repercsns om Hoton’s by Oprah Wey if would have bothered her if her dghter was gay, Cissy Hoton said “Absolutely. Brief ntent visible, double tap to read full ntent visible, double tap to read brief van r Walt is the btsellg thor of How To Unrstand and Accept your Gay Son (Even if You're Not Sure You Can).

MAGIC JOHNSON ON LEARNG TO ACCEPT HIS GAY SON: 'HE CHANGED ME'

Published fal eded form as:PMCID: PMC4281508NIHMSID: NIHMS621480AbstractFew studi have examed the relatnship between young gay and bisexual men and their fathers. Usg a phenomenologil amework, this study vtigated the role of fathers young gay and bisexual men’s g out experience, focg on how fathers rpond to disclosure of same-sex attractn, how fathers’ rpons pared wh sons’ expectatns, and what sons perceived as havg fluenced their fathers’ rpons. Semi-stctured -pth terviews wh 30 gay and bisexual men ag 18–24 were nducted as part of a larger study; topics explored the terview clud experienc g out to fay and others.

Keywords: sexual mory youth, masculy, parent, mental health, phenomenologyIntroductnGay and bisexual adolcents and emergg adults are at creased risk for psychologil distrs (e.

WHEN HIS SON CAME OUT AS GAY, THIS PASTOR DELIVERED A SERMON OF SUPPORT

The creased risk of the negative out is not an herent part of beg gay or bisexual, but is rather the effect of societal opprsn the form of discrimatn, rejectn, harassment, and vlence that stems om homophobia and heterosexism (Harper & Schneir, 2003). Furthermore, rearchers have reported that gay and bisexual youth report higher levels of strs exposure and lower levels of social support (Doty, Willoughby, Ldahl & Malik, 2010; Johns, Zimmerman & Bermeister, 2013; McCallum, 2010; Needham & At, 2010). In their qualative quiry on sexual mory youth’s nceptualizatns of social support, Nmh, Burton, and Cosgrove (1999) unrsred the centraly of parental support the liv of gay and bisexual youth.

'ACCEPT' AND 'TOLERATE' MY GAY KID? THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Hershberger and D’Augelli (1995), for example, observed that fay support buffered lbian, gay, and bisexual adolcents agast the harmful effects of peer victimizatn on mental health. Siarly, Bregman, Malik, Page, Makynen, and Ldahl (2012) reported that gay and bisexual youth who reported ls parental rejectn and more sexualy-specific social support om parents were more likely to hold an affirmed inty characterized by low ternalized homophobia and inty uncertaty, and mimal ncerns about beg accepted by others bee of their sexualy. Recently, D’Ami and Julien (2012) observed that greater current parental acceptance and lower current parental rejectn of sexual orientatn were associated wh gay and bisexual youth’s greater fort wh sexual orientatn, lower psychologil distrs, and lower suicidal iatns.

Though rearch lookg specifilly at the effect of father volvement or the father-son relatnship on the health and well-beg of young gay and bisexual men is srce, the existg rearch supports further quiry.

'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN

At prent, is unknown what featur of the father-son relatnship may serve to protect sexual mory youth om strs, or how masculy may shape the father-son relatnship of young gay and bisexual men (YGBM) is particularly important to exame bee fathers play a val role the perpetuatn of hegemonic masculy, a set of socially accepted mascule behavrs and beliefs signed to legimate male power and reproduce the social relatnships that generate that domance (Connell, 1995; Carrigan, Connell & Lee, 1985). Hegemonic masculy clus strict and limed nceptns of what nstut ‘mascule behavr’ wh a particular time and culture, the rejectn of any behavrs nsired genr atypil or feme wh that particular time and culture, as well as the belief that heterosexualy is superr to a gay or bisexual sexualy (Carrigan, Connell & Lee, 1985; Donaldson, 1993; Kahn, 2009). Given the arth of lerature on this subject, tour study vtigated the lived experienc of young gay and bisexual men’s experienc disclosg same-sex attractn to their fathers g a phenomenologil amework (Crwell, 2007; Patton, 2012).

HOW TO UNRSTAND AND ACCEPT YOUR GAY SON: (EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT SURE YOU CAN) PAPERBACK – FEBARY 8, 2015

Lus (22, gay) scribed his fay’s reactn, cludg his father’s: “Um…they were worse nial than I was for a long time, um, I tried g out about three tim (lghs) um, to…jt like, ‘No, no that’s wrong’ (lghs) ‘you n’t be.

Individual acceptance/group rejectn In the “dividual acceptance /group rejectn” tegory, a father exprs acceptance of his son but mak clear he do not accept gay people general or the “gay thgs” his son do. Brent (20, gay) stated that his father ially “had issu wh [his SSA], ” but that over time their relatnship improved; they would joke around together, and Brent monly troduced guys he was datg to his father. Expected father rejectn based on past homophobic ments Participants who expected a negative rponse om their fathers often referred to hearg their fathers’ anti-gay talk childhood and adolcence.

Seth (20, gay) talked about the anti-gay ments his father directed toward the televisn: “My dad’s ary, and like, I’d see stuff on the news and I’d get like red. And he’s like fe, and he’ll ask me about stuff… was so much ls dramatic than I thought would asked about what he learned about SSA growg up, Seth thought back and analyzed the discrepancy between the homophobic ments he heard om his father and the rponse he received, surmisg that his father had fact known that he was attracted to the same sex and wanted to postpone Seth’s g out. Seth perceived his father’s motivatn for makg anti-gay ments as an attempt to buy time before he had to tly face Seth’s sexualy and prevent his younger siblgs om beg aware of Seth’s SSA, as well as his father’s tolerance of (20, gay) also scribed how his father’s rogatory ments affected him durg childhood:.

COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN’S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS

” Both Brent and Seth disvered their fathers’ rpons to their own SSA differed om the homophobic sentiment they directed toward the TV throughout their childhood.

[My mom], um, she eaked out and she wouldn’t look at me for a ltle while… And I’ve always thought that was kd of funny, where generally the mom is like the more acceptg of the parents, the more willg to have a gay son. He was surprised by his father’s easygog rponse and his “[willgns] to have a gay son, ” and said that his dad ntributed to his mom’s eventual acceptance of Aaron as a gay do YGBM intify as fluencg their fathers’ rpons?

Um (sigh) when I me out to my dad, he asked if I had been like, raped or molted when I was a kid bee [he] tomatilly jumped to the ncln that, ‘Well, that’s the only reason someone’s gay, is bee you know, some trmatic sexual thg that happened to them when they were a kid. Wh the promulgatn of homosexualy as unnatural, appears some fathers e to believe var external of homosexualy orr to prehend this parture om hegemonic norms and, possibly, to redirect away om themselv any ‘blame’ for havg played a part the velopment of their son’s SSA.

HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS

Unlike wh other perceived fluenc scribed here, neher Will nor Mchell provid any tail about why they perceived their fathers’ relig views as havg negatively fluenced his rponse; was as though the lk between relign and anti-homosexualy attus were believed to be implic and obv. Stt (22, gay), who believed his father unrstood his SSA tellectually but not emotnally, felt his dad’s nservative socpolil views, as well as his prejudice agast other mori, was tellg of his reactn.

Stt emed his father’s current proclamatn of acceptance too divergent om his nservative views and past attus to be the other hand, Bryce (20, gay) attributed his dad’s rponse to his parents’ progrsive valu. In tegorizg a gay sexualy as voluntary and nothg more than a qut for disease, Lus’s father unrsr the visibily of the social nstctn of domant sexuali and masculi, not to mentn how this social nstctn affects the transmissn of some fathers appeared to e the higher cince of HIV among gay and bisexual men as a type of argument agast same-sex attractn, other fathers tried to unpack the nnectn between same-sex attractn and HIV.

MORN DOS AND DON'TS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS G OUT

Hegemonic masculy norms were imbued wh each of the two ma forc participants spoke of havg shaped their expectatns for a negative rponse: parental genr differenc and fathers’ past homophobic statements.

The e of homophobic msag as a strategy to rerce hegemonic masculy and mol how to be a tradnally mascule, heterosexual male has been noted prevly (Donaldson, 1993).

‘MY PARENTS STILL WON’T ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY!’

Alternatively, a father who do regnize the difference between his son’s sexual orientatn and the performance of his masculy may make anti-gay ments not attempt to shape his son’s sexualy, but to shape his performance of masculy. Fally, homophobic ments om fathers may not be purposive, but may tly be offhand remarks simply replitg societal valu of hegemonic masculy whout thought to the msag this may be sendg sons.

Regardls of the motiv behd them, anti-gay ments om fathers left sons apprehensive and sometim fearful about disclosg their same-sex many s, however, YGBM were taken aback by the fact that their fathers did not reject them, but provid love and (some gree of) acceptance stead.

The fact that the fathers who ma openly homophobic remarks about men on TV did not react to their son’s SSA wh siar rejectn was both a surprise to participants and a ht to rearchers to further explore the unrlyg procs surroundg fathers’ munitns wh their sons regardg sexualy. Future rearch should foc on the ways which creased father acceptance and support affects the mental health and well-beg of strengths and limatnsThe current analysis examed how young gay and bisexual men perceived their fathers’ rpons to their disclosure of SSA. The fdgs mt be terpreted wh this ntext – this study did not terview fathers of young gay and bisexual men, and therefore is unknown whether participants’ fathers would agree wh their son’s report of their rponse to his g out or what fluenced his rponse.