How to Cope When You're Gay and Lonely | GQ

Contents:

• PRSURE TO KEEP UP: STAT IMBALANCE A MAJOR FACTOR STRS GAY MEN
• LONELS AND SELF-RATED PHYSIL HEALTH AMONG GAY, BISEXUAL AND OTHER MEN WHO HAVE SEX WH MEN VANUVER, CANADA
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY
• GAY LONELS IS THE SILENT EPIMIC FACG THE QUEER COMMUNY
• THE HIDN GAY LIV FALLY BEG UNVERED
• THE REARCH ON MORY STRS AND GAY MEN SHOWS “LONELS”—BUT ALSO RILIENCE
• LONELS AND SOCIAL SUPPORT AMONG LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENR AND TERSEX PEOPLE AGED 50 AND OVER

PRSURE TO KEEP UP: STAT IMBALANCE A MAJOR FACTOR STRS GAY MEN

Still, even as we celebrate the sle and speed of this change, the rat of prsn, lonels and substance abe the gay muny rema stuck the same place they’ve been for s. In a survey of gay men who recently arrived New York Cy, three-quarters suffered om anxiety or prsn, abed dgs or alhol or were havg risky sex—or some batn of the three. “Marriage equaly and the chang legal stat were an improvement for some gay men, ” says Christopher Stults, a rearcher at New York Universy who studi the differenc mental health between gay and straight men.

In the Netherlands, where gay marriage has been legal sce 2001, gay men rema three tim more likely to suffer om a mood disorr than straight men, and 10 tim more likely to engage “suicidal self-harm. TTravis Salway, a rearcher wh the BC Centre for Disease Control Vanuver, has spent the last five years tryg to figure out why gay men keep killg themselv.

LONELS AND SELF-RATED PHYSIL HEALTH AMONG GAY, BISEXUAL AND OTHER MEN WHO HAVE SEX WH MEN VANUVER, CANADA

When the dispary first me to light the ’50s and ’60s, doctors thought was a symptom of homosexualy self, jt one of many maniftatns of what was, at the time, known as “sexual versn. “That was the ia I had, too, ” Salway says, “that gay suici was a product of a bygone era, or was ncentrated among adolcents who didn’t see any other way out. He found that gay men everywhere, at every age, have higher rat of rdvascular disease, ncer, ntence, erectile dysfunctn, ⁠ allergi and asthma—you name , we got .

“We see gay men who have never been sexually or physilly asslted wh siar post-trmatic strs symptoms to people who have been bat suatns or who have been raped, ” says Alex Kroghlian, a psychiatrist at the Fenway Instute’s Center for Populatn Rearch LGBT Health.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

For s, this is what psychologists thought, too: that the key stag inty formatn for gay men all led up to g out, that once we were fally fortable wh ourselv, we uld beg buildg a life wh a muny of people who’d gone through the same thg.

It got so bad that I ed to go to the grocery store that was 40 mut away stead of the one that was 10 mut away jt bee I was so aaid to walk down the gay street. Several studi have found that livg gay neighborhoods predicts higher rat of risky sex and meth e and ls time spent on other muny activi like volunteerg or playg sports. Acrdg to Dane Whicker, a clil psychologist and rearcher at De, most gay men report that they want to date someone mascule, and that they wished they acted more mascule themselv.

Rearchers say this kd of trag, liberately tryg to appear more mascule and takg on a different sex role, is jt one of the ways gay men prsure each other to atta “sexual pal, ” the equivalent of gog to the gym or pluckg our eyebrows. Usually when you hear about the shockg primacy of hookup apps gay life—Grdr, the most popular, says s average er spends 90 mut per day on —’s some panicked media story about murrers or homophob trawlg them for victims, or about the troublg “chemsex” scen that have spng up London and New York. But the real effect of the apps is quieter, ls remarked-upon and, a way, more profound: For many of , they have bee the primary way we teract wh other gay people.

GAY LONELS IS THE SILENT EPIMIC FACG THE QUEER COMMUNY

In terviews that Elr, the post-trmatic strs rearcher, nducted wh gay men 2015, he found that 90 percent said they wanted a partner who was tall, young, whe, mcular and mascule. Walt Ots, a psychologist who’s been wrg about social isolatn sce the 1980s, says that gay men ed to be troubled by the bathho the same way they are troubled by Grdr now.

“We often live our liv through the ey of others, ” says Alan Downs, a psychologist and the thor of The Velvet Rage, a book about gay men’s stggle wh shame and social validatn. One of the most strikg studi I found scribed the spike anxiety and prsn among gay men 2004 and 2005, the years when 14 stat passed nstutnal amendments fg marriage as beg between a man and a woman. Now square that wh the fact that our untry recently elected a bright orange Demogon whose admistratn is publicly, eagerly attemptg to reverse every sgle ga the gay muny has ma the last 20 years.

Only around 30 percent of school districts the untry have anti-bullyg polici that specifilly mentn LGBTQ kids, and thoands of other districts have polici that prevent teachers om speakg about homosexualy a posive way. His parents meant well—they were jt tryg to enurage him to a field where he would enunter fewer homophob—but he was already anx: If he gave up on fance, was that surrenrg to stigma?

THE HIDN GAY LIV FALLY BEG UNVERED

In the last five years, as evince of this ternnectedns has piled up, a few psychologists and epimlogists have started to treat alienatn among gay men as a “synmic”: A clter of health problems, none of which n be fixed on their own.

There will always be more straight kids than gay kids, we will always be isolated among them, and we will always, on some level, grow up alone our fai and our schools and our towns. The persistence of mental health hardships among gay and bisexual men, which endure even as LGBTQ people ga greater acceptance and civil rights, n be explaed at least part by the rrosive effects of stat nscns, petivens and racism wh the gay muny are the strikg and potentially ntroversial fdgs of a study published January the Journal of Personaly and Social Psychology that may broan appreciatn of the unique strsors faced by gay and bisexual and lbian people have a more than fourfold higher rate of suici than the general populatn.

THE REARCH ON MORY STRS AND GAY MEN SHOWS “LONELS”—BUT ALSO RILIENCE

Pachankis’s paper reprents the field of psychology tchg up wh somethg that to many has long been pafully self-evint: gay men n be awfully hard on each other. Pachankis’s study is the most rigoro five-year study is based on five psychologil studi, cludg four meticuloly signed experiments wh ne horts of gay and bisexual men.

Pachankis and his lleagu found that the strs gay and bisexual men reported experiencg related to their muny’s preoccupatn wh sex, stat and petn, as well as racism wh their ranks, was associated wh promised mental health, pecially for those lower on the gay-stat totem nnectns held even when the vtigators ntrolled for tradnal factors tied to the strs of beg a stigmatized sexual mory as well as general life study culmated wh a seri of experiments which gay and bisexual men participated a chat room wh other men. When the participants experienced rejectn om gay or bisexual men they perceived to be of superr stat, bee of a higher level of masculy, attractivens and e, this proved particularly a stat imbalance did not tensify feelgs of rejectn if the higher-stat man was straight. Rejectn om gay and bisexual peers, Pachankis found a follow-up study soon to be published the Annals of Behavral Medice, was also associated wh an creased likelihood that men would engage sex that put them at risk for fdg reveals an apparent bld spot HIV preventn.

LONELS AND SOCIAL SUPPORT AMONG LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENR AND TERSEX PEOPLE AGED 50 AND OVER

Th, any subculture posed entirely of the male sex – thk the NFL or a at hoe – is likely to be trsilly stat gay male culture, such petn is pound by the fact that members pete for social and sexual ga and for sex wh each other.

Body-nsc gay men often go to extensive lengths to outmatch petors and attract higher-stat efforts n give rise to body dysmorphia, eatg disorrs and harmful e of anabolic steroids, says Aaron Blashill of San Diego State Universy, who rearch body image among men who have sex wh men his studi rarely report, he says, “‘I had a really difficult week bee someone lled me a fag. ”‘No silver bullet’Historilly, most psychologil rearch to health and mental health dispari among sexual mori has foced on the trma of growg up and livg a homophobic 1957, psychologist Evelyn Hooker published a groundbreakg study that found homosexuals were psychologilly healthy, parable to heterosexuals that regard. Pachankis’s Personaly and Social Psychology paper troduc a new paradigm he lls the “gay muny strs theory” and which is meant to plement mory strs theory.