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In Menspac you n learn the bt plac the gay regn of your cy thanks to our nearby gay guis.

The acceptance and cln that gay lotns promote give support for person who have as however not accepted their sexualy given that they provi a haven where one n explore and be themselv wh other like-md fed parts of ci rather than separate rerv, gay lotns spire a sense of cln and acceptance for LGBT people who may possibly really feel victimized other lotns where heterosexualy l the day.

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The Gay Area Chter County is a place exactly where you n obta a big range of events and gay parti of all kds, do not wa anymore and vis now. Activi and events that are held gay regns are sometim showsed on the regnal news and seem as trendg social media and this is largely due to the artistic clatns of the global LGBT movement wh s foc on Gay Area Chter County is the most well-liked lotn town, there you will disver the ial parti and numero events and exclive activi associated wh the gay neighborhood.

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All thgs nsired, Wtchter is a good place to be gay. But the lack of a hive muny and the arth of gay meetg plac n be difficult for lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) rints. “People might not know the cheerful pharmacist is gay or the mail rrier is a lbian.

“There’s no ‘gayborhood’ Wtchter, ” says Juhren. The LOFT is the center of gay life Wtchter.

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Wtchter’s gay marriage laws are also more progrsive than those of New York State as a whole. In 2006, a nservative group lled the Alliance Defense Fund sued, claimg Spano didn’t have the right to regnize gay marriag. There has actually been at least one gay Wtchter weddg legally regnized by New York: the marriage of Whe Plas lbian uple Joann Przivalli and Tdy Katz.

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Acrdg to a recent survey of transgenr life by the Natnal Center for Transgenr Equaly and the Natnal Gay and Lbian Task Force, 21 percent of trangenred people reported an attractn to the same genr. “Straight transpeople n’t get married, but gay transpeople n.

“No gay ghetto”. A gay muny ually isn’t a top reason.

“I get emails all the time askg me where Wtchter’s a good place to live if you’re gay, ” says Gregg Cartage of Pound Ridge, who ns The LOFT’s parentg group.

JOE REDBURN, FOUNR OF TWO FAMO SALT LAKE CY GAY BARS, DI HOMELS SHELTER AT 82

The fay later moved to Cortlandt Manor, where they are the only gay parents they know of their kids’ elementary school. The uple miss the gay muny they had Hell’s Kchen. He says they haven’t taken much advantage of the gay muny at The LOFT bee, like many Wtchter fai, they’re by wh work and fay.

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src="></picture></span></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK eRggVV grid grid-margs grid-ems-0 SplScreenContentHearGrid-kFpOdh fLkIyA"><div class="GridItem-buujkM kHPPIF grid--em"><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn SplScreenContentHearCaptn-iOfEOv ckLUKG"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">Highsmh, photographed by Rolf Tietgens, 1942. “I have stretched an hour to eterny. It is all wh me.”</span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT jbIJNS ptn__cred">Photograph by Rolf Tietgens / Courty Keh Lellis Gallery</span></div></div></div></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kbAoLA article-body__ntent"><div class="ActnBarWrapperContent-lasBkU cAHp"><div class="ActnBarWrapperComponent-cjwxLS bEeSLb"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh kNjTbQ viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save this story" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU hQrwCF bookmark large-screen"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M20 23.9508L12.5 19.7312L5 23.9508V2.95081H14V3.93211H6V22.1845L12.5 18.5536L19 22.1845V8.83866H20V23.9508Z"></path><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M23 3H20V0H19V3H16V4H19V7H20V4H23V3Z"></path></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd bkefvo gkccfO">Save this story</span></button></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh kAEsuD viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save this story" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU cjjxgx bookmark mobile"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M20 23.9508L12.5 19.7312L5 23.9508V2.95081H14V3.93211H6V22.1845L12.5 18.5536L19 22.1845V8.83866H20V23.9508Z"></path><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M23 3H20V0H19V3H16V4H19V7H20V4H23V3Z"></path></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd bkefvo gkccfO">Save this story</span></button></div></div></div><div class="LightboxWrapper-dxsWBV hhylRt"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP bwyLBj"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG Uozmo"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg">P<em>atricia Highsmh, who published twenty-two novels, cludg “Deep Water” and “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” died 1995, at the age of seventy-four. By the time of her ath, she had alienated many of the people her life, pog racist, anti-Semic, and otherwise offensive views, but the eight thoand pag of diari and notebooks she left behd—an eded versn of which will be published this November—pict an engaged, social, and optimistic youth. The followg selectns beg the sprg of 1948, when the twenty-seven-year-old Highsmh had a two-month rincy at the Yaddo artists’ lony. There, she met the Brish wrer Marc Branl, wh whom she began an on-aga, off-aga relatnship, and fished wrg her first novel, “Strangers on a Tra.” To make money, for several years Highsmh wrote for ics, cludg those published by Timely, which later beme Marvel. In December, 1948, she also found seasonal work the toy partment of Bloomgdale’s, where she sold a doll to Mrs. E. R. Senn, the wife of a wealthy bsman om New Jersey, who beme the spiratn for the character Carol, her novel “The Price of Salt,” which was first published, 1952, unr a psdonym.</em></p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">april</em> 3, 1948: Have rented a typewrer, and begun, good mood, another endg on the <em>Comp</em>. [<em>Woman’s Home Compann</em>] story. It flows. Yet each day that go by—where is the wrg I wish to do? I feel me. Shall I be like those people whout number who feel a sty to wre magnificent works one day? Yet lookg at them I know I am different, and I put my tst my tensy—my enormo need—which I do not see at all them. The fortune-teller’s remark to my mother N.O. [New Orleans] hnts me: “You have one child—a son. No, a dghter. It should have been a boy, but ’s a girl.” All around me, the happy, lighthearted, happily livg upl of the South. Courtship is so easy, the attament so easy, their bodi so fortunate.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">april</em> 10, 1948: My mother awakened me at 9 wh a ll that I have been admted to Yaddo. I am thrilled and lighted. Such a relief, like a soldier, to have one’s life planned for the next 10-12 weeks! My mother pleased, too, and grandma imprsed. Grandma read all about Yaddo the pamphlet. How wi range are her terts—how much granr a person is she than all her offsprg.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 11-30, 1948: What to say of Yaddo? I shall never fet . A sgularly dull bunch, no big nam—though Marc Branl is tertg. Bob Whe, Clifford Wright, Irene Orgel, Gail Kubik, Chter Him, and Vivien K[och] MacLeod, W. S. Graham, a Sts poet, Harold Shapero & wife, Stan[ley] Leve, pater, Flannery O’Connor. Great sire to drk, after 3 days. The dnkt eveng of my life after ten days. At the Marane Rtrant btw. here & town, the place we took dner when the kchen moved om garage to mansn. None of ate much. We trooped to the bar & drank as if we had never had cktails before. Mixg was the orr—for a thrill—Marc soon succumbed, wh rrot hair his rrot soup. I exchanged a revealg phrase wh C. Wright, the solary gay person here, which was rried no farther. We both know. So what?</p><p class="paywall">I mt have had five Martis or six. Pl two Manhattans. A near blackout at Jimmy’s wh Bob & Cliff, who had passed out at the Marane, & had to be rried by three of to the b. We propped him on a stool Jimmy’s, whence he fell like an egg. We seated him the taxi, but when we me out he was gone! The taxi fare $7.50 for Bob & me by the time we fished lookg at Bob’s drawgs his stud. The driver drkg & lookg, too. When we refed, we were whisked back to town, passg Cliff on the way, staggerg unr the dark elms of Unn Avenue on his 2-e trek back home. This night has bee legendary as “the Night Clifford Fell the Lake.”</p><p class="paywall">Chter tried ( his room) to kiss me. Did I mentn already? Don’t matter.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">There are six artists here. We are all very different om one another, yet remarkably sociable, I thk. What strik me most forcibly is our basic siary, fact. It occurred to me last night, if any of saw a whe note beg slid unr the crack of our door—wh a sound like thunr the silent pths of midmorng—each of would drop his work and sprg for . Wh what hope? Perhaps a iend, some sign of personal choice, of a sglg out om the rt. And followed—personal secury, ego assurance, a lover. The every artist needs and wants. Even the married artist is nstantly attuned to the needs. The morngs. Energy is too abundant at ten. The world is too rich to be eaten. One ss a whirl at one’s sk thkg of drawg, wrg, walkg the woods. The overwhelmg flood of experience shg om all sis. In the morng only do I ever sire a drk to rce my energy om 115% to 100%.</p><p class="paywall">5/15/48: Please try to notice if every artist isn’t thls some way. Even the sweett of characters have done somethg, generally bee of their creative life, that to the rt of the world is human. Some s are more obv, others may be more ncealed. I know me exists, my celty. Though where I nnot precisely say, for I try always to purge myself of evil. Generally is selfishns an artist. And bee he subjects himself so cheerfully to all kds of privatns for his art, is difficult for him to see where he has been guilty of selfishns. He se as selfishns for such an obvly worthy e, too. Generally, one form or another, is a self-prervative selfishns, regard to his not givg enough of himself to the world or another person.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">[no date]</em> After three weeks at Yaddo. The soul lts for s own rptn—after only one week. Dperately, through alhol, tri to retablish ntact wh the rt of humany. One’s eternal and dividual lonels is silhouetted sharply agast dark green pe woods where seems no human figure has ever walked or will ever walk. And, too, there is the sire born of lonels also, to mgle spirually wh all the rt of the world of this year 1948 which is now starvg, fightg, wrhg agony of thirst and undrsed wounds, whorg, cheatg, schemg, velopg private, secret fondns for the stkg gutter. We want that, for is our sty, too, and Yaddo is privg . There is the moment of utter rptn, around eleven or eleven-thirty the morng. One go to urate, wash their hands and looks to the bathroom mirror. The clock the workroom grows dible. One realiz the isolatn and imprisonment of the body, one realiz the hell of the body, and not only here, everywhere and as long as one liv, one longs for another body, naked and lovg, a man or a woman, as may be. One mix a drk of rye and water, sips half of tculently at a wdow, looks at the sterile, ma bed and ntemplat masturbatg and turns om fear and srn. One stalks about the room like a crimal imprisoned, unregenerate, rrigible. This is the moment lic, nihilive, supreme, all-answerg, the moment of utter rptn.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 2, 1948: Happs overwhelms me. Twenty-three days at Yaddo. My life is regular, pleasant, healthful on the obv plane. (And how often and where the past eight years, sce I lived wh my parents, have I been able to say this?) On the ls obv plane, rtoreth my digny, my self-nfince, enabl me to plete what I have never pleted, that child of my spir, my novel, and give birth.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 26, 1948: A turng pot. Went wh Marc to the lake and discsed homosexualy que a b. Amazgly tolerant he is. And he nvced me I mt abolish guilt for the impuls and feelgs. (Can’t I remember Gi? Mt I always try to “improve” myself?) I returned wh que a different attu. I thk more highly of myself. I have opened myself a ltle to the world.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">gt</em> 2, 1948: The days, I’ve been speakg wh Jeanne about the need for to separate. Promised Marc I would. She was sad, but unrstands. Mostly she was jealo, I thk. And later wh Marc. I asked if he uld spend the night wh me. Said y. He was very sweet, but nothg happened, and I was upset aga.</p><p class="paywall">8/5/48: Persistently, I have the visn of a hoe the untry wh the blond wife whom I adore, wh the children whom I adore, on the land and wh the tre I adore. I know this will never be, yet will be partially, that tantalizg measure (of a man) which leads me on. My God, and my beloved, n never be! And yet I love, flh and bone and clothed love, as all mankd.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR daRVRt persistent-asi" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="prvj9"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="totuj8"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall"><em class="small">september</em> 10, 1948: Provcetown. Marc dnk when I arrived. Ann Smh [a pater, signer, and ex-<em>Vogue</em> mol, a iend of Marc Branl’s] vised , I thk probably to get a look at me. She terts me—young, pretty, simple, and unrstandg. We wanted to take a walk (a few days later), and Marc acpanied . Y—I feel like I’m prison. Always has to be like that—wh a man.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">11/23/48: Openg at Midtown of B.P.’s [Betty Parsons’s] gallery. All the ancient acquatanc, iends of my iends of my twenty-first year. Age has sagged a ch le, silvered a goln head, stamped s uniform signature of tiredns on a dozen fac. I thk of Prot, re-seeg the Guermant clan the last chapter of “À la Recherche du Temps Perdu.”</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Man and his chffr at a drive movie theatre." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" 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18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall"><em class="small">cember</em> 6, 1948: First day at Bloomgdale’s. Trag, and the toy [partment]. Very pleased.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">cember</em> 7, 1948: Hard work. Sellg dolls, how ugly and expensive! And then—at 5 <em class="small">p.m.</em>, someone stole my meat for dner! What kd of wolv one works wh!</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">cember</em> 8, 1948: Was this the day I saw Mrs. E. R. Senn? How we looked at each other—this telligent-lookg woman! I want to send her a Christmas rd, and am planng what I’ll wre on .</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">april</em> 23, 1949: How much I rent about Marc the days—his never dog anythg but readg when he is here, while I attempt to play rerds, fix drks, watch meat & napés the oven, simultaneoly fix dner, wash dish, do the bed (and disgtg diaphragm) and, the morng, prepare breakfast. He hasn’t the particular sensivy to realize that a person the bathroom do not wish another person stg at the table jt outsi the door. The and a thoand thgs disturb my digtn, banish the gas ma at other tim.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 7, 1949: [The fashn signer and pater] Mme. [Elizabeth] Lyne’s party tonight. The party a fias, bee ar Marc thought two boys were makg pass at him. I got my at and left. Wish I’d stayed on or told him off—one or the other, for I me home a silent, pent fury.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 8, 1949: Very prsed om last night. “You’d better make up your md whom you love,” said Ann, “bee you’re wastg a hell of a lot of valuable time . . . irrevoble time.” I feel she refers to my lack of achievement my work, my age, etc., and all overwhelmed me. Moreover, I feel lerally prived of somethg, now that I nnot fall love wh anyone. However, tak only a lunch wh Dne (or even a good drawg) and lghter to make me feel, and know I am, happier now, enjoyg life more now, than ever before. Such a fact allows me to bear a great al—even the thought of gog away wh Marc. Though, actually, Saturday night dissuad me om that. I will not be imprisoned so.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 20, 1949: A gloomy, uneventful day, until Margot [Johnson, Highsmh’s agent] rmed me that Harpers wants my book! Everythg happens at once! After all the months of ploddg dullns, the book and Europe. And—so I asked Marc to e over for dner. He brought champagne. And we cid to marry Christmas Day. Three high pots of my life—fely!</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-3 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 4, 1949: Rosald [Constable, a iend and a wrer], Marc, my mother saw me off. A short farewell, for the b is not attractive (D ck!) and the Queen sailed promptly. I uld not see any of them om the ck. Who is wh me most? Ann. I thk of her thkg of me today. Everythg a madhoe. One gets lost dozens of tim a day. The meals are thrown at one, then snatched away. No one attractive tourist class, and we are very effectively barred om aternizg wh the other two.</p><p class="paywall">6/7/49: I am cur as to that part of the md which psychology (which ni the soul) nnot fd, or help, or assuage, much ls banish—namely, the soul. I am cur as to the soul’s dissatisfactns, that ever unsatisfied portn of man, which would ever be somethg else, not necsarily better, but somethg else, not necsarily richer, more fortable, or even happier, but somethg else. It is this I want to wre about next.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 11, 1949: A lightful first-class rriage ri om Southampton to London, where both Dennis [Cohen, Highsmh’s future U.K. publisher] & Kathryn [Cohen’s wife] met me at Waterloo Statn. Dennis a Rolls-Royce. And a betiful hoe to e home to—a Siame t, a superb lunch wh Rilg. Kathryn is charmg!</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 17, 1949: Wh Kathryn to Stratford. Poor Kathryn—she unburns her heart to me, I tst, about Dennis. She has money to play wh, but passn—she nnot spend at the moment, and she has a treasure of that. A shed be of dner at the Avon [Hotel], and to “Othello” wh Diana Wynyard as Dmona, John Slater as Iago, Geofey Tearle as Othello.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 20, 1949: London. Increasgly I mt be dgged to be creative. Whether this is a stage, whether is wrong ( is momentarily wrong) is the great problem. The worst letter om Ann. She wr me almost daily. “Why do you wre to me. If you loved me, we should live together & there would be no qutn. It has been almost a year . . . I nnot keep the light touch much longer.” And om Marc, the first letter. Rather ol, otherwise all right. I feel so tenrly toward him. But which is I???? Extremely tired. I grow ever thner.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="0tfpxh"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">6/20/49: There mt be vlence, to satisfy me, and therefore drama & spense. The are my prcipl.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 22, 1949: Today at last a grand cisn. It is impossible to thk of marryg Marc—a sacrilege. I prefer Ann. But as yet I nnot tst my emotns enough to believe I love her enough. Perhaps that will e—immediately—for her. But I know I would only hurt Marc and myself by marryg him.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">[no date]</em> How I miss the long talks wh Kathryn. What thgs go through my head. What a charmg woman is she. And the py. The unjtns. The male form whout ntext: everywhere. Dennis pable of lovg her. How alive she still is. How worthy of adoratn. What a betiful stment to play on! What songs uld she sg! How proud uld she make her lover! I e to Paris thkg of the strange kiss she gave me the night before I left, the way she held me close and would not let me go. And why? And why? And why was I not bolr? How many years sce someone had kissed her—a most kiss, but one wh realy—as I did that night? I should have liked to hold her my arms all night, to give her the feelg of beg loved and sired, bee the feelg is more important than the ed.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-4 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">july</em> 18, 1949: I wrote to Marc—fally—severg everythg, tellg him I am sure I nnot be to him what I should.</p><p class="paywall">7/29/49: Europe for the first time at twenty-eight: wins one’s terts aga, mak one diverse as at seventeen. This closg up! I hate . It grows on one slowly om neteen onward, as S. [Samuel] Johnson said.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">gt</em> 23, 1949: Roma—a dirty town. All the men masturbatg or somethg, starg wh idtic fixy at me. Wired K. last night & she telephoned at 6 last night. Wants to jo me Napl. Was so happy sudnly—a proper date wh English-speakg iend—and what a person—I bought Cognac, wore my sweater om Florence. How lucky I am. Though sufferg backache (?) and sore stomach, I feel like a god as I lie alone my room, too sick, too ightened (physilly) of what might happen Rome, should I fall sick, to move out. Out fally to eat a beefsteak & nothg else. Had had nothg but 2 omelets for 2 days. Five food tails, ar diary, but they bee life tails, perhaps. Kathryn will jo me Friday. I sp out the days Rome until then, therefore, hatg .</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">september</em> 8, 1949: I wanted to embrace and kiss Kathryn. Deprsn—for what? I am not love wh her, only aaid to show the least spontaney my emotns. Always aaid? Always aaid—not really of offendg—but of beg offend by someone else’s rejectn. Wh her, I n only thk of my bad pots, my untidy hair, bad teeth, my untidy sho, perhaps. We leave tonight for Palermo. The boat is betiful. Sudnly we both purr like ktens, rpondg to the cleanls, the good service, above all the leavg of Napl, the change ahead. K. will stay wh me until I go, then return to Rotterdam, fally to London where—everythg hellish awas her—</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">september</em> 21, 1949: To the Grotta Azzurra wh K. Very cluttered wh rowboats, so certaly 50% of the light was obscured. What a shame. Cght the 4:10 b back to Napoli. Then the partg. And the shg. Grap. And a last dner wh K. I my whe su, which I’d wanted to wear the first eveng wh her. We ded—differently—at the ve balny rtrant of our first lunch. K. often holds me, looks earntly to my face, and kiss me on the lips. What do she wish me to say further? (I have said nothg.) She don’t wish anythg. But mightn’t I? Plans—do K. want them? I know is I who do not want them. That K. uld more easily bear than I uld say, I shall e to London next year and we shall live together. No, I don’t know what I want. Wh perfect equanimy, I n ntemplate nothg but brief affairs—promiscuo on— N.Y. And yet I hope for a jolt (of time, time) to crystallize my sir. I long to wre, and dream of s g out easily as a spir’s web. Now I know why I keep a diary. I am not at peace until I ntue the thread to the prent. I am terted analyzg myself, tryg to disver the reasons why I do such & such. I nnot do this whout droppg dried peas behd me to help me retrace my urse, to pot a straight le the darkns.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 2, 1949: Do K. thk of me this long silence? I know she do. We have a strange psychic munitn, we two. I began my novel, “Argument of Tantal” [later tled “The Price of Salt”]. Seven or eight pag that went along wh that ease and fluency (of vobulary) that generally means nothg much need be changed later. Naturally, I am very happy today. The happit sce leavg Kathryn.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 5, 1949: Page 28 of “Tantal.” I have no clear tail of what happens once There meets Carol. But go rompg along, much as I do. All is my own reactn to thgs—wh only, at the extrem, some extensns to follow more closely the attus of my ma character. The sea is rollg rather heavily tonight. Could not sleep until 2 <em class="small">a.m</em>.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="d9o5t7"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="d7glhi"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 9, 1949: Have never felt such outpourg of myself— all forms of wrg. A great gh. I want to get this book out of me the shortt possible time, not even stoppg to earn a b of money.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 19, 1949: Marc lled yterday, to my surprise. We had drks and dner tonight, says he still feels the same, still talks of marriage, “not two years or even more, but you’re still the person I want to spend the rt of my life wh.” Marc stayed the night, tryg to please me, but beg too self-effacg even.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 22, 1949: Date wh Marc. Went to dner—bad at Le Moal’s—and movie. He stayed. I was excsively tired, and then ( fact, unls I am dnk) he is so much ad weight my bed. Oh Christ, I want Kathryn my bed! I tst her. I like the fact she is olr than me. I thk she is betiful and telligent. I had another letter om her. More affectnate, I would say, more half said, than the other.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">november</em> 6, 1949: Typed almost all my [story] “Instantly and Forever” today. All I n say is, I’ve seen such thgs prted. Marc me up wh a tle [for the first novel] this morng. “Strangers on a Tra.” I like very much & hope they do. God bls him. He helps me so much. Am very grateful.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">november</em> 11, 1949: Lunch wh Harpers. Joan Kahn & Mr. Sheehan, an edor, junr, who says he lik my book tremendoly, thks ’s wonrful. (Later spoke wh Mme. Lyne, who said Sheehan dropped , raved about the book, whout knowg she knew me.) Kahn: Will allow me to fish “Tantal” whout showg even a piece of . And some money n be arranged, too. Wants McCullers, etc., to read “Strangers” and ment for jacket.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">november</em> 23, 1949: Thanksgivg morn: 2:45 <em class="small">a.m</em>. No letter om Kathryn. She don’t love me. I had my chance, and I muffed . (Will that be engraved upon my tombstone?) There is nothg the world I want so much at this moment as a word om her. A new word. One nnot go on forever rereadg the same letter. I am sick, and starvg, om livg on what one always liv on. Hope. The future that never , bee one never mak . That is, I don’t. I mt tell her that I love her. I want her. I am hers. I want only to be wh her. I mt ask her, do she want , too.</p><p class="paywall">11/23/49: Contually I toy wh my “if—ifs.” For stance, if my experience should be shut off now, sexually, emotnally (not tellectually), but mundanely, practilly, I feel I should have enough. I have stretched an hour to eterny. It is all wh me. I have but to draw upon . I have not been to sea for many months, but neher have I been immured. And yet I know, as I wre this, that a week I shall nmn as sterile, nt, simply stupid. Thank God, I am not the sgle person, not even worshippg the Intellect and the Soul wh sgle md, like Melville! For Melville beme sane, and I shall not. This afternoon Hastgs [New York], I raked leav, the sun and the air and the smoke. And I loved my love wh all my heart. Therefore, I felt and I knew that I was not entirely the priggish person I had been half an hour before, immersed Melville’s “Pierre” and followg his vagari of soul wh the most personally volved fascatn. Therefore, I know I shall not ever go mad. Which is one of the matters for which I give thanks this Thanksgivg Day.</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Toad tri to check for appotment at doctor's office." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE gdZTpI ptn RponsiveCartoonCaptn-dokfdF hJgaLQ rponsive-rtoon__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo bsWloa ptn__text">“Is possible you ma the appotment unr another name—like, say, Handsome Prce?”</span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Michael Masl</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Copy lk to rtoon</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-pylk" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Copy lk to rtoon</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178637)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M16.3488 10.5017C16.2107 10.7357 16.2926 11.035 16.5318 11.17C16.7709 11.3052 17.0767 11.225 17.2148 10.991L18.4648 8.87225C19.5694 7.00002 18.9139 4.60601 17.0007 3.52508C15.0875 2.44415 12.6412 3.08562 11.5366 4.95785L9.53657 8.34782C8.432 10.22 9.08751 12.6141 11.0007 13.6949C11.1888 13.8012 11.382 13.8908 11.5785 13.9642C11.7819 14.0403 12.0058 13.9485 12.1147 13.764C12.2794 13.4849 12.1103 13.1276 11.8083 12.9992C11.7041 12.9549 11.6014 12.9044 11.5007 12.8475C10.0658 12.0368 9.57417 10.2413 10.4026 8.83712L12.4026 5.44715C13.2311 4.04298 15.0658 3.56187 16.5007 4.37257C17.9356 5.18327 18.4272 6.97878 17.5988 8.38295L16.3488 10.5017ZM7.6526 13.4983C7.79067 13.2643 7.70873 12.965 7.46959 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19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall"><em class="small">november</em> 26, 1949: Another letter om Kathryn. The first two weeks, but well [worth] wag for. It transforms everythg. She miss me. It was a very timate letter. I have never been so happy my life. I mt lerally rt a while each day, lt I drop ad wh the absurd ailment of Euphoria. Not that I am exced. I am lm, serene, my ncentratn is even good. But I am blsed, and I know . All the years of reprsn, sacrifice, disillnment, tratn have e to be of value, for they help me to measure my extreme happs now.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">november</em> 26, 1949: Lyne rms me Sheehan of Harpers was chiefly fascated by my book’s [“Strangers on a Tra” ’s] “homosexual theme” and prumably subject matter. I was astound, a ltle disturbed. Felt wonrful this eveng, gog downtown after one Marti here, my pstripe su. I prefer my hair straight. Frightfully, dangeroly tired when I went to bed at 4 <em class="small">a.m.</em> I am always aaid of droppg ad, of urse.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-6 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">cember</em> 8, 1949: I read my notebooks all eveng. A real ths! I lay closer plans of “Tantal.” I believe will go well. I mt not be too loose, that is all! I am happy tonight. And if I don’t have a letter om K. tomorrow, the fourteenth day? I shall be disappoted, sorry, but not unhappy. For betrayal of fah and tst is the very theme of “Tantal,” which tomorrow I hope to beg to wre once more.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">cember</em> 10, 1949: Worked. How well all go. How grateful I am at last not—as Lil says—to spoil my bt thematic material by transposg to a false male-female relatnship!</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="ek9538"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">1/10/50: Lonels. Not a myster visatn, not a disease. It pends what one has been dog last, what one will do next, whether or not. This has nothg to do wh “distractn,” eher. I mean lonels has to do wh the psyche’s rhythm alone. Distractn never keeps lonels [at bay], of urse. I honor lonels: is stere, proud, untouchable, except by what would be touched by. Melancholy on the other hand n quickly be touched by distractn. For is a more logil thg. (And I n also see myself wrg the very oppose of all this one day.)</p><p class="paywall">1/10/50: A note on hearg “Ameri.” From sea to shg sea. The many small towns I have driven through. The many lighted wdows on the send floors of small hom, where young girls stand bshg their goln hair. The ho certa people ll home. The rooms that are certa people’s own rooms, unfettable. And perhaps the rooms they will have all their liv. And the shad wdow wh the red cross over the sill, that I passed every morng on the way to high school Ft. Worth. The bread they eat, and the boyiends who ll them, the rs they drive to hamburger stands , the summer evengs when the boys are home om lleg, and the betrothals are ma. The children that are born to lead the same simple liv externally. And, always, the lonels, the unsatisfied strivg that is below the surface, much or ltle below. The girl who is unsatisfied, and yet has not the energy or perhaps the urage to pe. She dreams of somethg better, somethg different, somethg that will challenge and e up the aspiratn that she feels clamorg wh her, that nnot be satisfied by the men she meets, the stor she buys her cloth at, the movi she dreams , even the food she eats.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">january</em> 13, 1950: Bad luck. I owe the ernment $122, which I won’t pay. Margot says that I have to ntue workg for the ics dtry for several months at least. Well, then, I shall do that. At least I don’t have a haner this morng. Ann me to see me. She’s not gog to Europe this summer. Ann is too slim, not as attractive as before. My God, how many women do I want?</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">january</em> 19, 1950: My birthday. 29. Work—I thought that the ics might be stimulatg now. Unfortunately not. However, the checks will doubtls be. But the stori—! Wh the fay tonight. Martis, good French we, prents. And a check over $20 for a mactosh. Couldn’t sleep tonight. I thk of Lyne—who tickl my cursy, that’s all. And I was also thkg about my life. I should be wrg now. I nnot possibly jtify the two months I plan to work on ics. I don’t get any younger.</p><p class="paywall">1/25/50: Edutn. How we should love those years of formal tn, pecially the universy. To the reflective person, is the last time he will remember that the world ma sense, the world promised to ntue to make sense. It is the only time when all he is filled and ncerned wh really ncerns life. No wonr he is happy! No wonr each day is heroic adventure! No wonr he don’t want to go to bed at night!</p><p class="paywall">1/26/50: Insany. When one has glimps of , is not the form of random irratnal thoughts, but as the entire stcture of one’s rmatn slippg. It is as if the cst of the entire world slips a b, so that one easily imag the North Pole at the South Pole one day.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-7 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">febary</em> 1, 1950: Th, I go through life, subsistg on one dg or another.</p><p class="paywall">2/2/50: I do ed grow tired and prsed by realism lerature—pecially à la O’Hara, or even à la Stebeck. I want a plete new world. Paters are dog . Why not wrers? I do not mean the pixie-like fantasy of Robert Nathan. I mean a new world that is at once not real, and at once fascatg and full of msage, that is art, too, as simply, timelsly, and unrealistilly as the bt of the ve dwellers’ wall patgs.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">febary</em> 9, 1950: Margot lik “Tantal.” What more n I say? I am alive once more. I am love wh Kathryn. I am an angel, a vil, a geni. I mt have nothg more to do wh Lyne, who will not grant me her bed, as simply and partially as I should take . (Idt, she is!) I love Kathryn. My ey are on the stars and beyond. My spir wanrs the galaxi, and unr the oceans. My breath is the g sprg wds. My fertily is the dry, livg seeds as yet unplanted. My food is my love self, better than any feast! The ame of my life is the ame of my work. <em>Gloria Excelsis Deo!</em></p><p class="paywall">2/27/50: The entire pattern of my life has been and is: She has rejected me. The only thg I n say for myself at the age of twenty-ne, that vast age, is that I n face . I n meet head on. I n survive. I n even bat . It will not knock me down aga, much ls knock me out. In fact, I have learned to reject first. The important thg is to practice this. That my limpg ctch are not traed to do. Ah, how signifint all is! And how signifint! To one more love, goodbye. Adi. But no— God will not be wh you, not you. But fare thee well, all the same. God knows, I hold thee high.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="y0eppd"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="9ydql"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall"><em class="small">march</em> 28, 1950: Lyne told Marc all I need[ed] was a man to “make me feel like a woman.” Her ual, rehg tack, and to hell wh Frd, and even past history. Pat’s not queer, Lyne says. She’s got this wrong. Spent night wh Marc. I am easier wh him, but much rebelln left, I n feel. And if Kathryn wr me favorably? I envisage 2 months now wh Marc, when I shall wre my book, followed by movie money, Europe, and I hope Kathryn. If I were to do what I feel like dog, would be Kathryn & Europe, and not the 2 months (so far as pleasure go) wh Marc even. Feel like a woman? He mak me feel like a male pervert, a sailor the Navy, a nghty ltle boy at school. He has a knack of not knowg what I want.</p><p class="paywall">4/2/50: A note after rereadg all my notebooks—rather, glancg through all of them, for who uld possibly read them? Imprsed only by the range of tert, the terrible strivg all directns. Deprsed by the monotono note of prsn, and the affy of melancholy. Imprsed very rarely by cleverns, by poetry. But sometim, I thk, by an ocsnal good sight. A few able thgs lerature. But this I mt say: the sackcloth ash age has passed. The adolcent alonens (reluctance to jo wh humany) has passed. So melancholy now, on the lonely gray seas, is tempered wh sight of shore. I have my iends. More than that I have Life, and know how to repair to at all tim, unr any ndns. Thgs which once were so bewilrg and plex, marriage and sex, for example, are not so now. They have been torn down a b. Bee more lovable, fact. I mt get all to flow. To let dam up till is an sufferable force, that has to be knocked out by liquor and dissipatn to tire the body. In short—as I have ivy-towerishly preached sce adolcence—I mt learn to fd life my work, livg there, wh s dramas, hardships, pleasur, and rewards. For I have yet another long road to go, before I n fd another person those patible elements, which will enable all this to flow. I have merely learned, so far, to avoid those persons who would stop .</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">april</em> 3, 1950: Margot sold my book [“Strangers on a Tra”] to Hchck for $6,000 + $1,500 for Hollywood work or not at time of filmg—6-9 months hence. Celebrated wildly wh Lyne (broke date wh Jeanne). Then lled Ann at 3 <em class="small">a.m.</em> & was stupidly veigled to vg her here. Dismal, and I feel ’s the last time.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">april</em> 7, 1950: Hysteril, bee Lyne ma me wa an hour for her. I have a ld & fever, but that’s small exce. The pot is, the pattern rum. The pot is, I have a chance out of now (a b of money), and my imprisoned soul ( such bad shape that an A.S.P.C.A. would have guilloted me years ago, had they known, and God himself mt be wishg, o profoundly wishg, he hadn’t ma such a creature or let such a creature be ma). How about the sect the untry brook, born to live 30 sends due to natural enemy livg the proximy? I thk such a creature even would be nsired happier. At any rate, dnk and sober tonight, I feel myself approachg the end of phons. I have lived as a phony too long. The hont money my pocket is cryg out agast . What do I cry? What is the cry of my soul? Kathryn. (Rult of wag for Lyne 45 mut, pl 102 fever, pl loy dner a nightclub, + 3½ Martis + a cryg jag.)</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-8 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">april</em> 17, 1950: I have borne heavier cross than Kathryn. The letter me today (wrten Thursday April 13) and is not good, I suppose. She is credibly burned wh all kds of thgs jt now. “I have to learn to walk alone,” she wrote, “before I’ll be of any e to myself or to anyone else.” And that she would like to see me whenever possible. What ever remas but iends?</p><p class="paywall">Marc got my negative letter today, too. Th we both get the neck the same day.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">april</em> 20, 1950: [Port Jefferson] One nvenience after another. No gas. Parents left at noon, and I sat huddled by a fire the rt of the chill, ray day, readg Greene’s “The Man Wh.” How brilliant is. How like Kathryn is Elizabeth. And Andrews like me my most wardly, cisive moments. (My wardice, if any, li cisn alone.) I wept at the end. Real tears, à la “David Copperfield” when I was a child, tears now bee I am grown up, and so are the people.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 3, 1950: Ah, life n be betiful. Chapter Ne done. P. 111. And the next chapter planned at the moment. Symbolism g out fe. I’ve my sloppy shirt-paper not pned bi my sk. I might go all day whout speakg to anyone here, except perhaps for my mail.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 4, 1950: This is such a paful novel I am dog. I am rerdg my own birth. My 8-page stt is sometim agony. So far, generally, I feel happy at night, however, after the pag are done.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="2kw8if"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">5/4/50: To hell wh the psychoanalyst’s explanatns of Dostoyevsky’s gamblg as sexual release. Dostoyevsky wanted to stroy himself, to experience his own stctn. Purge of the soul! Dostoyevsky knew. Touch bottom before you n thst to the heights! Touch bottom, ed, merely for the sake of knowg bottom. I know all this so well, I feel , I enact , too.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 5, 1950: A letter om Kathryn. A good one. Very good. She liked my postrds, letters, ngratulat me on the movie. “You are neher an irr[atn] or a distractn, but someone whom I feel very close . . .” Exriatg letter om Marc, tellg me I clg to my disgtg, fantile sickns like a ltle girl clgs to a doll, endg “and let’s get married.”</p><p class="paywall">5/6/50: This won’t e aga (some thgs I know, as I knew when I was twenty-three, and twenty-one, that the same sensatns nnot be rplited bee of the very age element), the sheeplike clouds on a pleasant eveng May, wh the stle nearby, all black and dark and huge, where I shall work alone. And while my iends are leavg the r. It is all pleasant, I wele , and I am not aaid, and yet love go wh them, the human voice, the touch of the flh at all, and the possibily of somethg failg, some ltle thg, while the group go out to get to the r, while one or all of look for a place which sells newspapers after ten o’clock the eveng. No, this will not e aga, I standg the dark driveway, lightg a cigarette to fort me, while the tomobile purrs away the darkns. I starg to a different world and one which I love better. Livg life I do mistst, but iends and lovers one has always. One has always, at least, the remembrance of how the lovers were, which ed is no different om the way the iends are. For I do project to iends the imagative virtu, pabili, which I project to lovers. Both are created. And a man do love by an illn.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-9 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">5/17/50: Wrg, of urse, is a substute for the life I nnot live, am unable to live. All life, to me, is a search for the balanced diet, which do not exist. For me. Alas, I am twenty-ne, and I nnot stand more than five days of the life I have vented as the most ial.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 23, 1950: In a burst of nfince, I showed Ethel [Sturtevant, who was Highsmh’s creative-wrg stctor at Barnard] chapter six, which Carol appears, picks up There. “But this is love!” Ethel exclaimed upon readg half of the first page. I admted was somethg like that but later discsn said T. had a schoolgirl csh, wanted back to the womb relatnship, which Ethel said was borne out by the k episo, but not their meetg. “That’s a sexual awakeng. Your geni ran away wh you here . . . Now this packs a wallop! This is an excellent piece of wrg, Pat.”</p><p class="paywall">5/28/50: I have jt heard a remarkable popular song lled “Let’s go to church on Sunday (we’ll meet a iend on the way)” [“Let’s Go to Church (Next Sunday Morng),” performed by Margaret Whg and Jimmy Wakely]. They will meet a iend on the way. Next Saturday night, the young man will hold up a ndy store and the girl will sleep wh the man who will necsate an abortn. The two will marry ls than a year and produce five more Catholics. They will vote the Catholic senators and boytt the bt artists and wrers. They will provi sons for the next war and dite the next superwar mondial to the unknown soldier. They will prevent people om parkg on their block and they will turn the stomachs of the rt of when they appear bathg sus on public beach. They will be honored bee they rry on the race. But they will not be the people by whom this century will be known.</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Street rt named B O' Beach." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Mort Gerberg</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Copy lk to rtoon</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-pylk" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Copy lk to rtoon</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178637)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M16.3488 10.5017C16.2107 10.7357 16.2926 11.035 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12.1932 11.0008C12.2973 11.0451 12.4 11.0956 12.5007 11.1525C13.9356 11.9632 14.4272 13.7587 13.5988 15.1628L11.5988 18.5529C10.7704 19.957 8.93555 20.4382 7.50068 19.6274C6.0658 18.8167 5.57417 17.0212 6.4026 15.6171L7.6526 13.4983Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button><div class="AlertWrapper-gvFATk MdjE RponsiveCartoonLkAlertPopup-BPAXn kdMXRM shoppg-alert" role="dialog"><div aria-hidn="te" role="prentatn" class="AlertArrow-daOgye AlLda alert-arrow"></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ AlertMsage-jgAjgo bVCFRm ifgabc cxFROy alert-msage"><p aria-hidn="te">Lk pied</p></div></div></div><button aria-label="Shop" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall"><em class="small">may</em> 31, 1950: Went to Wanamaker’s on luxur lady of leisure shoppg tour, & picked up maps om R.C.A. for Carol & There’s trip. I live so pletely wh them now, I do not even thk I n ntemplate an amour.</p><p class="paywall">6/6/50: Today I fell madly love wh my Carol. What fer thg n there be but to flg the sharpt pot of my strength to her creatn day after day? And at night, be exhsted. I want to spend all my time, all my evengs wh her. I want to be fahful to her. How n I be otherwise?</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 14, 1950: Carol has said no now. Oh God, how this story emerg om my own bon! The tragedy, the tears, the fe grief which is unavailg! I saw Marc for a beer. Very tached, unreal feelg tonight.</p><p class="paywall">6/16/50: (One day before fishg my send novel.)</p><p class="paywall">I have learned the tra of wrg rather late. I am later still learng the art of life. I me home and only happened to look to Ey Dickson, and was remd ah of that poor woman’s (and rich poet’s) fate of lovg a man she saw so briefly—and of what she ma of , of what she gave the world and herself bety.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-10 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall"><em class="small">june</em> 30, 1950: Today, feelg que odd—like a murrer a novel, I board the tra for Ridgewood, New Jersey. It shook me physilly, and left me limp. Had she [Mrs. E. R. Senn] ever taken the same tra? (I doubt . She’d e a r.) Was pelled to drk two ry before I took the 92 b, the wrong one, toward Murray Ave. I asked the driver, and sudnly, to my dismay and horror, I heard the entire b shoutg “Murray Avenue?”—and givg me directns! Murray Avenue is a paratively small lane gog to thickly wood land, on one si of Godw Avenue. There is a buildg on the left, a big, quiet, fe hoe on the right, where two rs stood, and women sat on the porch, talkg. The number was 345—and I phed on, seeg 39—on the next hoe, and thkg the numbers were gog the wrong way, for hers is 315. Bis the street was so rintial, there were no siwalks, and I was a nspicuo figure. I dared not go any further up the avenue where the tre grew closer and closer, and hers might have been the only remag hoe (I ught no glimpse of !) and where she jt might have been on the lawn or porch, and I might have betrayed myself wh haltg too abptly. I walked on the oppose avenue, which was not even lled Murray. (And felt safer bee was not hers.) And then as I me back to Godw a pale aqua tomobile was g out of Murray Avenue, driven by a woman wh dark glass and short blond hair, alone, and I thk a pale blue or aqua drs wh short sleev. Might she have glanced at me? O time, thou art strange! My heart leapt, but not very high. She had hair that blew wir about her head. O Christ, what n I remember om that enunter of two or three mut a year and a half ago. Ridgewood is so far away! When shall I ever see her New York aga? Shall I go to a party one eveng and fd her there?</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="e9rhb"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="dtjf2r"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">7/1/50: I am terted the murrer’s psychology, and also the opposg plan, driv of good and evil (nstctn and stctn). How by a slight fectn one n be ma the other, and all the power of a strong md and body be flected to murr or stctn! It is simply fascatg!</p><p class="paywall">And to do this primarily, aga, as entertament. How perhaps even love, by havg s head persistently bised, n bee hate. For the cur thg yterday I felt que close to murr, too, as I went to see the hoe of the woman who almost ma me love her when I saw her a moment December, 1948. Murr is a kd of makg love, a kd of posssg. (Is not attentn, for a moment, om the object of one’s affectns?) To arrt her sudnly, my hands up on her throat (which I should really like to kiss) as if I took a photograph, to make her an stant ol and rigid as a statue. And yterday, people stared at me curly wherever I went, the tras, the b, on the siwalk. I thought, do show my face? But I felt very lm and posed. And ed, at a gture om the woman I sought, I should have crged and retreated.</p><p class="paywall">7/21/50: The night. I dream of earthquak, the earth shakg and tippg out the wdow, while the hoe stands still! One half awakens—more than half!—ss up bed wh the dream clgg heavily to the edg of one’s bra, tippg the whole bra like a hoe self, ught an earthquake. I ll out someone’s name, bee I don’t know what bed I am , or what hoe. I see and hear myself dog , knowg I am both asleep and awake, and the limbo is horrible! I walk to the kchen, thkg of gettg some hot water and k to drk, but my bra grasps even this simple ia like the clumsy hands of a primive monster. And the primive monster is myself. I chew voracly at a half-eaten chop which I really do not want, and put down aga. The earth shak, and I doubt even gravy. I am sudnly somebody else, another creature I do not know. (I know, though, that I lived a hundred ln years ago.)</p><p class="paywall">9/22/50: Of my book, ncln, two weeks before fishg the rewre: this is not a picture of the thor sweatg. The bookstor at this moment happen to be glutted wh tracts excg and apologizg for homosexualy, pictg their very gged male hero wrhg wh heterosexual disgt as they try to throw off the hio ils that bd them, while the last scene their beloved is whout reason killed, lt somebody the Bible Belt spise the fact they may ntue livg together a habatn he has been hammered to untenancg, but which may sour his md a week later. This is the story of a woman weak bee of social weakns her society, havg nothg to do wh perversn. And a girl starved for a mother, whom the artificial upbrgg of an orphanage’s home, however scientific, has not sufficed as parental love. It is jt a story that might have happened, wh no axe to grd.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 12, 1950: In fur mood. Walked furly up 2nd Avenue. And at 4 <em class="small">p.m.</em> got the curse! First time sce end of May or June. Bee I fished my book today, too, perhaps. A nice wrg streak, wh the end which There do not go back wh Carol—but ref her, and is alone at the last. Shall show M.J. [Margot Johnson] both versns, and am sure she will prefer the “lift” endg which T. & C. go back together. In the urse of the eveng got horribly bld dnk! Blackouts and everythg else. Includg spendg all the money my wallet. Lyne eventually poured me to a taxi at 3 <em class="small">a.m.</em></p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 18, 1950: Walter [Marlowe, a iend and a wrer] & I discsed my book. I told him I did not md shelvg for five years. He sudnly agreed, and said Sheehan told him—“I’m glad Pat tackl a subject like this, bee ’s somethg she really knows about, but for her reer I thk ’s very bad.” To get a label. And I’ve already one as a mystery story wrer!</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 19, 1950: So that is the big news—I shall try to persua Margot J. that the book should not be published now. And she will doubtls argue otherwise. Everyone will. But is my reer, my life.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-11 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">10/20/50: Now, now, now, to fall love wh my book—this same day I have cid not to publish , not for an fe length of time. But I shall ntue to work on for some weeks to e, to polish and perfect . I shall fall love wh now, a different way om the way I loved before. This love is endls, disterted, unselfish, impersonal even.</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">october</em> 29, 1950: Margot has fished my book. “I’m very pleased, Pat,” but not wh too much enthiasm, I thought. “What do you thk of gettg published unr another name?” she asked. I don’t md. Temporary, partial relief om shame. We mt get the opns of several “pennt rears.”</p><p class="paywall"><em class="small">cember</em> 21, 1950: What shall I wre about next, I thk here this diary where I thk aloud. O more fely than ever this 29th year, this third year and I always change on the thirds, has seen much metamorphosis. It will e to me. My love of life grows stronger every month. My powers of recuperatn are wonrfully swift and elastic. I thk of wrg a startler, a real shocker the psychologil thriller le. I uld do aptly. ♦</p><le-embed name="align-center" attrs="[object Object]" childTyp="" ntentType="llout:align-center"><p class="paywall"><em>(Diary entri are dated long form, notebook entri numerilly. A few entri here were wrten or partly wrten French or German and were translated by Sophie Duvernoy and Elisabeth Lffer.)</em></p></le-embed><le-embed name="" attrs="[object Object]" childTyp="" ntentType="llout:"><hr class="paywall"/><h2 class="paywall">New Yorker Favor</h2><ul class="paywall"><li>How we beme fected by <a href=">cha e-mail</a>.</li><li><a href=">Twelve classic movi</a> to watch wh your kids.</li><li>The <a href=">secret liv of fungi</a>.</li><li>The photographer who claimed to pture the <a href=">ghost of Abraham Lln</a>.</li><li>Why are Amerins still <a href=">unfortable wh atheism</a>?</li><li>The endurg romance of the <a href=">night tra</a>.</li><li>Sign up for our daily <a href=">newsletter</a> to receive the bt stori om <em>The New Yorker</em>.</li></ul></le-embed></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div 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aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><footer class="ContentFooterMagazeDisclaimer-gzKAqo iZIuUU" data-ttid="MagazeDisclaimerWrapper">Published the prt edn of the <a href="/magaze/2021/10/04" data-reactroot="">October 4, 2021</a>, issue, wh the headle “A Straight Le the Darkns.”</footer></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="ContributorsWrapper-eNpWFu GWFsc ntributors" data-ttid="Contributors"><div class="ContributorBWrapper-bnVHbt gMon"><div class="ContributorBContent-ubQdr jZTSSi"><div class="ContributorBHear-ledood XOIEx"></div><div class="ContributorBB-fBolsO giFhKz"><a href="/ntributors/patricia-highsmh">Patricia Highsmh</a>, who died 1995, was the thor of more than twenty novels. “<a href=">Patricia Highsmh: Her Diari and Notebooks, 1941-1995</a>” will be published November.</div><div 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summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Iphigenia Fort Hills" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">A Reporter at Large</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Iphigenia Fort Hills</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Iphigenia Fort Hills" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">Anatomy of a murr trial.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Ja Mallm</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm eamwqR" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Transn" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Annals of History</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Transn</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Transn" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">Lyndon Johnson and the events Dallas.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Robert A. Caro</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm eamwqR" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Blood Ti" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Annals of Crime</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Blood Ti</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Blood Ti" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">Two brilliant llege lovers were nvicted of a btal slayg. All the years later, why has the se bee a e?</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Nathan Heller</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm eamwqR" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Chameleon" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Annals of Crime</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Chameleon</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Chameleon" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">The many liv of Frédéric Bourd.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" 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Joe Redburn, founr of two famo Salt Lake Cy gay bars, di homels shelter at 82

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GAY AREA CHTER COUNTY

VIBRANT BUT INVISIBLE: GAY LIFE WTCHTER COUNTY

GAY CISG CHTER (SOUTH DAKOTA)

GAY FARMS, VA HOM FOR SALE & REAL ESTATE

GAY FARMS, VA HOM FOR SALE & REAL ESTATE

CHARL BARKLEY FENDS LGBTQIA+ MUNY, BUD LIGHT EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT: ‘IF YOU’RE GAY, GOD BLS YOU’

JOE REDBURN, FOUNR OF TWO FAMO SALT LAKE CY GAY BARS, DI HOMELS SHELTER AT 82

BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM LAKE CHESTER GAY

Joe Redburn, founr of two famo Salt Lake Cy gay bars, di homels shelter at 82

Recent Posts

Tags

Contents:

GAY AREA CHTER COUNTY

VIBRANT BUT INVISIBLE: GAY LIFE WTCHTER COUNTY

GAY CISG CHTER (SOUTH DAKOTA)

GAY FARMS, VA HOM FOR SALE & REAL ESTATE

GAY FARMS, VA HOM FOR SALE & REAL ESTATE

CHARL BARKLEY FENDS LGBTQIA+ MUNY, BUD LIGHT EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT: ‘IF YOU’RE GAY, GOD BLS YOU’

JOE REDBURN, FOUNR OF TWO FAMO SALT LAKE CY GAY BARS, DI HOMELS SHELTER AT 82

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* LAKE CHESTER GAY

BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM LAKE CHESTER GAY