Gay Men and Their Mothers: Is There a Special Closens? | Psychology Today

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* GAY TERM MOTHER

Comment on this story</tle><path d="M14 14V2H2v9.47h8.18L12.43 13ZM3 10.52V3h10v9.23l-2.5-1.66Z"></path></svg></button><span aria-hidn="te" class="wpds-c-fBEbFG">Comment</span><span class="wpds-c-fOvfhP wpds-c-fOvfhP-kshkDy-isCommentType-te none" aria-hidn="te"><span class="ment-unt font-xxxxs sc-ral-unt"><span></span></span></span></div></div></div></div></div><div class="teaser-ntent grid-center"><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py drop-p" dir="null">As he scrolled through <a href=" target=_blank>social media</a>, Vip Pratap was proud to e across a vio of his “mother” performg onstage. His so-lled mother didn’t give birth to him or raise him — at least not the tradnal sense. But Pratap argu that pop sger Taylor Swift is an spiratn and a provir, jt like all mothers should be.</p></div></div><div></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“When women like Taylor e their platform and art to exprs themselv a way very few people n, that is empowerg and enuragg and mendable,” Pratap wrote an email. “All the quali that the term ‘mother’ is associated wh.”</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">In the past year, Swifti and other<b> </b>fans — or stans, as obssed fans are lled — say they have noticed an <a href=" target=_blank>uptick</a> the e of “mother” to praise ins such as <a href=" target=_blank>Madonna</a>, <a href=" target=_blank>Beyoncé</a> and Swift for their power and rilience. The social media posts, which ually clu photos or short vios of the celebry, are often ptned “MOTHER,” “she’s so mother” or “mother is motherg.” Tied to the term’s rise populary, parable posts have lled “The Last of Us” actor Pedro Pasl an <a href=" target=_blank>ter “daddy”</a> and have ghed that sger Demi Lovato is <a href=" target=_blank>“givg parent.”</a></p></div><div class="article-body grid-full-bleed" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body grid-full-bleed" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body grid-full-bleed" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">The term has s origs LGBTQ ballroom culture and plays an important part Black transgenr women’s history. As enters the mastream, some the ballroom muny ntend that stans don’t regnize s history and signifince. In a ballroom ntext, those who hold the tle “mother” take on real-life rponsibili for leadg their groups — lled ho — to victory ball petns as well as daily life.<b> </b>People who partake the culture<b> </b>want those who e “mother” and other ballroom terms, such as the pliments<b> </b>“sickeng” and “servg face,” to give them their due cred.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“A lot of people see the celebratory part,” said LeeLee Jam, mother for the Colorado chapter of the <a href=" target=_blank>Royal Hoe of LaBeija</a>, a ballroom group based Denver. “But there’s a lot of pa and trma that is behd a lot of what people are glamorizg, and is a disservice to jt pick and choose the parts of ballroom culture that people fd betiful while ignorg the histori of pa that have led to that culture beg the betiful thg that is<i>.</i>”</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Ballroom for queer Black and Lat Amerins began as an unrground subculture the 1960s, after Crystal LaBeija and other Black drag queens created their own llective rponse to the discrimatn they faced New York’s predomantly Whe drag pageant scene. The format of early balls closely mirrored that of drag bety pageants, but the balls gradually evolved to their own art form, wh specific petn tegori that emphasized “realns,” or the abily to “pass” as a specific genr, and new forms of dance, such as <a href=" target=_blank>vogug</a>.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body grid-tablet-full-bleed" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">In 1972, LaBeija found the first ballroom hoe, the Hoe of LaBeija. Other still-active ho, such as the <a href=" target=_blank>Hoe of Xtravaganza</a>, which also<b> </b>started New York Cy, formed throughout the ’80s and ’90s. Bee of the stigma associated wh beg LGBTQ, ho often functned as fai of choice: Trans women took young people who had been kicked out by their blogil parents and provid them wh food, shelter, love and the support they need to succeed life.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“Ballroom ho were more than jt a mody this way,” Jam said. They were “the epome of safety … of beg taken when no one else wants you, when no one else se you, and beg held a space long enough to heal and ntue your own journey to acplishg your goals.”</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">For Jam, that means workg alongsi her “children” — or the younger members she ved to her ballroom hoe<b> </b>— to have stum, hair and makp prepared for balls, but also means teachg them skills to balance work and school, and be nfint lears their muny.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Sce their ceptn, ho have spread across the world, creasg ethnic diversy and cultural fluence. Fai typilly don’t live together anymore, but ballroom’s mment to helpg at-risk gay, trans and genr-nonnformg youth has stayed the same.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-full-bleed" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body grid-full-bleed" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p><span class="wpds-c-gnhuPA wpds-c-gnhuPA-hqeSyH-variant-terstial wpds-c-gnhuPA-iPJLV-css hi-for-prt"><a data-qa="terstial-lk" href=">Mj Rodriguez of ‘Pose’ talks ballroom culture, reprentatn of trans black women and realns</a></span></p></div><div class="article-body grid-body grid-center" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“A lot of people don’t unrstand how ballroom sav people’s liv. It saved me,” said Shannon Balenciaga, overall mother for the <a href=" target=_blank>Hoe of Balenciaga</a>, who liv Atlanta and<b> </b>appeared wh her children on Season 2 of the HBO Max ballroom petn show “Legendary.”</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><div id="gift-share-le" data-ttid="gift-share-le" class="PJLV PJLV-ilotWTr-css hi-for-prt"><button aria-haspopup="dialog" aria-expand="false" aria-ntrols="gift-share-drawer" role="button" tabx="0" aria-label="Share this article" id="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-le" data-ttid="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-le" class="wpds-c-PJLV wpds-c-gsmDXe wpds-c-gsmDXe-goNocI-placement-Inle foc-highlight"><div data-ttid="gift-share-terstial-trigger" class="wpds-c-kPqOkS wpds-c-kPqOkS-jtSXsT-hasSubsText-false"><span class="wpds-c-hBJqc"><span class="wpds-c-dzSncg">Share this article</span></span><span class="wpds-c-eCvK"><span class="wpds-c-enedHQ wpds-c-enedHQ-cCdK-isShown-false">Share</span><svg xmlns=" fill="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 16 16" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img" class="wpds-c-fBqPWp wpds-c-fDHGth"><path fill="currentColor" d="M8 .6v3.8h.1c-4.4 0-7.3 4.5-6.9 8.8.1.8.2 1.2.2 1.2l.2 1 .4-1.3c.8-2 2-4 6.2-3.9H8v4l7-6.9L8 .6Zm1 11.3V9.3h-.9c-3 0-4.8.5-6.2 2.9.5-3.3 2.7-6.8 6.2-6.8H9V3l4.5 4.4L9 11.9Z"></path></svg></span></div></button></div></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Balenciaga was troduced to ballroom while feral prison her 20s, she said, when a woman who beme her mother urged her to walk the face tegory. The art form gave her a posive outlet for the passn for fashn and bety that land her behd bars<b> </b>(she’d bee engaged a d scheme part to fance her <a href=" target=_blank>cloth shoppg addictn</a>). Now she viss prisons and tri to steer young people away om siarly troubled paths.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Over the 18 years that Balenciaga has spent ballroom, she’s watched elements of slip to pop culture nscns. Celebri wh backgrounds ballroom rose to fame, such as “RuPl’s Drag Race” judge Michelle Visage and the late actor Michael K. Williams, while other famo figur, such as late fashn journalist André Leon Talley and supermol Naomi Campbell, paid homage to ball culture their work. But she believ more should be done to ensure that those who have vted time and money the art of ballroom benef when other people e as spiratn.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“It’s so many terms that they’ve taken, and they have ran wh . I thk ’s a great thg — wh cred and rpect to ballroom … om advertisg, paid performanc, to award shows and mic vios,” she said. Balenciaga add that askg ballroom members for help would rult a more thentic product:<b> </b>“It’s important that you brg the people to the space, and you highlight them.”</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p><span class="wpds-c-gnhuPA wpds-c-gnhuPA-hqeSyH-variant-terstial wpds-c-gnhuPA-iPJLV-css hi-for-prt"><a data-qa="terstial-lk" href=">Black English is beg misintified as Gen Z lgo, speakers say</a></span></p></div><div class="article-body grid-full-bleed" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Jon “Ambh” Nja met his ballroom mother, Akayla Nja, while attendg vogug class hosted by the Dallas-based nonprof <a href=" target=_blank>Uned Black Ellument</a>, which supports Black gay and bisexual young men. Over time, the duo grew closer, and Akayla ved Jon to jo her<b> </b>better-known hoe, a Gulf Coast chapter of the Hoe of Nja<b> </b> Dallas,<b> </b>as well as her kiki — smaller and ls petive — hoe, Nike.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“She has enuraged me to walk tegori I was not nfint , and would have never walked whout her enuragement,” he said. “She has given me fort emotnally, pecially outsi of ballroom when I’m gog through rough tim.”</p></div><div class="article-body grid-center grid-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Like many people the ballroom muny, Nja wants people to be ted about the weight that terms like mother hold. “For me, seeg the word ‘mother’ beg mised by K-pop stans to scribe their favore idol, who is probably younger than them and do not f what a mother do, shows people are jt takg vernacular whout really thkg about s origs and don’t really re,” he said.</p></div><div class="article-body grid-body grid-center" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Instead of appropriatg, Jam says, alli n pay to attend a ball or other ballroom event, sponsor a tegory by donatg toward a petn’s prize money or pay someone ballroom to teach them about aspects of the culture.</p><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“One of my [ballroom] grandkids yterday told me, ‘I jt realized how lucky I feel to have fallen unr your umbrella of love,’ and that sent me fully,” Jam said. “There’s so much rponsibily wh makg sure people feel safe and seen and heard. But that also means that I get to celebrate and take full rponsibily of when they’re thrivg.”</p></div><div class="wpds-c-dhzjXW wpds-c-dhzjXW-iPJLV-css mt-md grid-center grid-body"><div id="gift-share-end" data-ttid="gift-share-end" class="PJLV PJLV-idiqKOk-css hi-for-prt"><button aria-haspopup="dialog" aria-expand="false" aria-ntrols="gift-share-drawer" role="button" tabx="0" aria-label="Share this article" id="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-end" data-ttid="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-end" class="wpds-c-PJLV wpds-c-gsmDXe wpds-c-gsmDXe-iIVoLq-placement-Shortcut foc-highlight"><div class="wpds-c-UazGY" id="gift-share-shortcut" data-ttid="gift-share-shortcut"><svg xmlns=" fill="var(--wpds-lors-primary)" viewBox="0 0 16 16" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img" class="wpds-c-fVfumU "><path fill="currentColor" d="M8 .6v3.8h.1c-4.4 0-7.3 4.5-6.9 8.8.1.8.2 1.2.2 1.2l.2 1 .4-1.3c.8-2 2-4 6.2-3.9H8v4l7-6.9L8 .6Zm1 11.3V9.3h-.9c-3 0-4.8.5-6.2 2.9.5-3.3 2.7-6.8 6.2-6.8H9V3l4.5 4.4L9 11.9Z"></path></svg><div class="PJLV wpds-c-kwcHlj">Share</div></div></button></div><div class="wpds-c-hcekgi"><div class="mb-lg-mod" data-qa="ments-btn-div"><button aria-label="Scroll to the ments sectn" data-qa="ments-btn" class="wpds-c-kSOqLF wpds-c-kSOqLF-SQjOY-variant-sendary wpds-c-kSOqLF-eHdizY-nsy-flt wpds-c-kSOqLF-ejCoEP-in-left wpds-c-kSOqLF-igqYgPb-css ments hi-for-prt"><svg xmlns=" viewBox="0 0 16 16" fill="currentColor" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img" class="wpds-c-fBqPWp "><path d="M14 14V2H2v9.47h8.18L12.43 13ZM3 10.52V3h10v9.23l-2.5-1.66Z"></path></svg><span></span> Comments</button></div></div></div><div class="grid-center grid-body"><div></div></div></article><div class="centered-layout grid-layout"><div class="grid-center grid-mobile-full-bleed"><div class="hi-for-prt ml-to mr-to mt-md pt-lg recirc" data-qa="recirc"><div class="flex-l jtify-center hi-for-prt"><div class="pr-sm ml-sm ml-0-ns b-l br-l bc-gray-darkt more-om-post"><div></div><div class="dn db-l pb-md pt-md"><div data-qa="newsletter" class="hi-for-prt relative"><div class="dib w-100"><div><div class="flex jtify-center align self-center center transn-all duratn-400 ease--out" data-qa="sc-newsletter-signup" aria-label=""><svg aria-labelledby="react-aria-1-aria" role="img" viewBox="0 0 100 80"><tle id="react-aria-1-aria">Loadg... .