What If G.I. Joe Were Gay?

gi joe gay

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WHAT IF G.I. JOE WERE GAY?

Related: PHOTOS: Barbie’s Dream Nightmare — Ken’s Gay Affair.

G.I. JOE TEAMA SECRETIVE U.S. ARY SPECIAL FORC TEAM, DITED TO OPERATG AGAST SUPERTERRORISTS LIKE COBRA. ITS MEMBERS ALL GAVE UP THEIR PREV LIV AND TOOK ON NAM AS THEIR ONLY INTY, AND WERE BELIEVED AD BY THE RT OF THE WORLD; AFTER COBRA REVEALED THEIR EXISTENCE TO THE WORLD, HOWEVER, THEY BROUGHT THE ORIGAL G.I. JOE TO LEAD THEM AS A PUBLICLY OPERATG TEAM. WHILE THEY WERE MOTHBALLED AFTER COBRA WAS FEATED, THEY WERE EVENTUALLY BROUGHT BACK TO AL WH THE THREAT OF THE TRANSFORMERS, AND SUBSEQUENTLY TACHED OM THE U.S. ARY TO OPERATE AS AN PENNT, TERNATNAL TEAM.    HAWK HAWKTHE HARD-EDGED VETERAN LEAR OF THE JO, GENERAL HAWK SERVED AS A TOUGH-BUT-FAIR LEAR UNTIL BEG MA TO STEP DOWN BY THE ERNMENT. ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY: HAWK'S REACTN TO CHUCKL' "JOKE" HIS FAL LETTER?NOTE "HOW MANY FOUR-STAR GENERALS DO TAKE TO SCREW A LIGHTBULB? JT ONE. HE HOLDS PLACE AND WAS FOR THE WORLD TO REVOLVE AROUND HIM."HAWK: "HEH." BIG GOOD: THE OVERALL LEAR OF THE HERO FOR THE FIRST TWO VOLUM. FALL GUY: TAK THE PUNISHMENT FOR THE JO' FAILURE TO STOP THE STCTN OF NANZHAO. FOUR-STAR BADASS: NEVER REALLY GETS TO SHOW HIS SKILLS THE FIELD, BUT AFTER HIS FORCED RETIREMENT, HE MANAG TO EASILY FEAT A COBRA TEAM LED BY MUNIA THAT TO TRY AND KILL HIM. GOOD IS NOT SOFT PRAGMATIC HERO: AS CHUCKL PUTS , HE'S NSTANTLY LCULATG HOW TO SPEND 30 LIV TO SAVE 40. RELUCTANT RETIREE: IS FORCED TO RETIRE AFTER THE "COBRA COMMAND" STORYLE AND THE JO' FAILURE TO STOP THE STCTN OF NANZHAO, THANKS TO A SENATOR COBRA'S POCKET.    DE DE/CONRAD HSERDE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST MEMBERS OF THE G.I. JOE TEAM, RECED AFTER HEROIC ACTNS THE MIDDLE EASTERN UNTRY OF TCIAL. AN ARCHETYPIL ALL-AMERIN FACE, HE WAS MA THE LEAR OF THE JO AFTER HAWK WAS MA TO STEP DOWN, BUT WAS EVENTUALLY THROWN OUT HIMSELF. BIG GOOD: TAK UP THE SWORD AFTER HAWK'S FORCIBLE RETIREMENT. DARK SECRET: HIS WIFE, AYISHA, WHO LIV A NURSG HOME AFTER BEG BRA-DAMAGED A BOMB ATTACK. THIS WOULDN'T NORMALLY BE MUCH OF A DARK SECRET, BUT NSIRG THAT THE JO WERE MEANT TO BREAK OFF ALL NNECTNS TO THE OUTSI WORLD... DRILL SERGEANT NASTY: WHILE TRAG TROOPS TCIAL. EXPANSN PACK PAST: GIVEN ONE WH MAD MONK AND AYISHA VOLUME 3. THE HERO HIRED GUNS: BY VOLUME 4, HE'S WORKG AS ONE OF THE ALONGSI BIG BEN. LOVE TRIANGLE: HE AND SNAKE-EY BOTH HAVE FEELGS FOR SRLETT. (AS DO MAAME, LATER. AND THAT'S NOT GETTG TO HIS SECRET WIFE...) RELUCTANT RETIREE: GETS THROWN OUT OF THE JO AFTER THEY FD OUT ABOUT HIS WIFE. SERGEANT ROCK    SRLETT SRLETT/SHANNA O'HARAONE OF THE IAL MEMBERS OF THE TEAM ALONGSI SNAKE EY AND DE, SRLETT IS A TOUGH ACTN GIRL WHO'S SHOWN HERSELF TO BE A SKILLED AND RPONSIBLE LEAR TIME AND AGA THROUGHOUT THE IDW N. IN VOLUME 5, SHE IS PROMOTED TO OVERALL LEAR OF THE JO. ACTN GIRL AUTHORY GRANTS ASSKICKG: SHE'S BEEN A HIGH-RANKG JOE OM THE START, AND SHE N FELY FIGHT. BIG GOOD: TAK OVER AS THE JO' LEAR AFTER REVOLUTN. HERO PREFER REDHEADS: DE, SNAKE EY, MAAME, (BRIEFLY) ROCK'N'ROLL... LOVE TRIANGLE: FIRST SHE'S ONE BETWEEN DE AND SNAKE EY, THEN (SHE THKS) BETWEEN HER AND HELIX OVER SNAKE EY, THEN SHE'S BETWEEN DE AND MAAME... ROARG RAMPAGE OF REVENGE: GO ON ONE AGAST OPTIM PRIME REVOLUTN AFTER ROM (WHOM SHE BELIEV IS CYBERTRONIAN) KILLS JOE COLTON, ACTUALLY A DIRE WRAH IMPERSONATG HIM, EVEN THOUGH MAAME, DOC AND HELIX ALL POT OUT THE NSISTENCI BETWEEN ROM AND OPTIM' ACTNS SUGGTG THE TWO AREN'T NNECTED. SERGEANT ROCK: HOLDS THE RANK OF MASTER SERGEANT. THE STRAIGHT AND ARROW PATH TERRORIAL SMURFETTE: GETS VERY PRICKLY TOWARDS HELIX OVER HER IENDSHIP WH SNAKE EY. UNKNOWN RIVAL: DURG REVOLUTN, 'S BATABLE WHETHER OPTIM EVEN KNEW SHE EXISTED UNTIL THE END AND BY THEN SHE'D ABANDONED HER VENTTA ON HIM.    SNAKE EY SNAKE EYA SILENT, MASKED NJA WH A MYSTER PAST AND A NNECTN TO COBRA AND THE ARASHIKAGE NJA CLAN, RECG SNAKE EY WAS DE AND SRLETT'S FIRST MISSN AS PART OF THE JO. THOUGH SOMETHG OF AN ENIGMA WH A TENNCY TOWARDS GOG ROGUE, SNAKE EY IS A DETERMATOR WHO'S PROVEN HIMSELF TO BE A LOYAL SOLDIER. COWBOY COP: GO OFF ON HIS OWN WAY AGAST ORRS WAY MORE OFTEN THAN HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO; THOUGH NOBODY ENTIRELY TSTS HIM (APART OM SRLETT AND HELIX), HE'S ALWAYS ALLOWED BACK TO THE TEAM AFTERWARDS. FACE–HEEL TURN: JOS COBRA SNAKE EY: AGENT OF COBRA. HE'S FAKG TO FILTRATE AND SABOTAGE THEM, OBVLY. THE FACELS FAKE DEFECTOR: IN BOTH SNAKE EY AND STORM SHADOW AND SNAKE EY: AGENT OF COBRA. FAKG THE DEAD: AT THE END OF SNAKE EY AND STORM SHADOW HE'S PRUMED AD, BUT LEFT HIS MASK WH THE HARD MASTER TO SHOW STORM SHADOW THAT HE HAD SURVIVED. HE DON'T SHOW UP AGA UNTIL SNAKE EY: AGENT OF COBRA. GOOD SRS, EVIL SRS: HAS SOME FAIRLY UN-HEROIC FULL-HEAD SRRG; WE NEVER SEE , BUT NSIRG THE TRMA CONGA LE HE WENT THROUGH TO GET , 'S FELY NOT PRETTY. MCNJA MEMETIC BADASS: CONSIRED -UNIVERSE TO BE A ONE-MAN ARMY WHO NOBODY WANTS TO HAVE TO FIGHT. ROGUE AGENT: GO ROGUE BEFORE THE EVENTS OF THE MA SERI TO VTIGATE COBRA. UNEXPLAED REVERY: IT'S NEVER EXPLAED WHY HE CID TO STOP FAKG THE DEAD TO JO COBRA, OR WHY RON ISN'T SURPRISED TO SEE HIM ALIVE.    ROCK 'N ROLL  ROCK 'N ROLL/CRAIG MCCONNELONE OF THE FIRST MEMBERS OF THE TEAM, ROCK 'N ROLL IS AN ARROGANT, BOISTERO FUN-LOVER WH A STRONG SENSE OF LOYALTY. HE'S ONE OF THE RE MEMBERS OF THE TEAM VOLUME 5. ASCEND EXTRA: HAS A MUCH BIGGER ROLE VOLUME 5 THAN HE HAD PREVLY. BUTT-MONKEY: COM OFF AS A B OF ONE THE 2016 SERI. (HE MOSTLY BRGS UPON HIMSELF.) CASANOVA WANNABE: SPENDS A GOOD CHUNK OF ORIGS' FIRST ARC TRYG TO H ON SRLETT. INNOCENTLY INSENSIVE: ACCINTALLY OFFENDS THE ARROGANT KUNG-FU GUY QUICK KICK BY IMPLYG THAT HE WAS TAKEN ALONG FOR THE MISSN BEE OF HIS ABILY TO SPEAK CHE, NOT BEE OF HIS FIGHTG SKILL. MORE DAKKA: INIALLY IS A MACHE GUNNER... SHOTGUNS ARE JT BETTER: .. SWAPS OUT FOR A LASER SHOTGUN.    STALKER STALKER/LORENZO R. WILKSONONE OF THE EARLIT MEMBERS OF G.I. JOE, STALKER ACTED AS HAWK'S SEND--MAND ON THEIR FIRST MISSN; HE'D PREVLY BEEN A MEMBER OF JOE COLTON'S ADVENTURE TEAM, HAVG EARNED A SPOT BY BEG THE YOUNGT ARMY RANGER OF ALL TIME. ARTISTIC LICENSE – MILARY: BEG A SENR COMMISSNED OFFICER, HE WOULD PROBABLY HAVE MA MORE SENSE TO TAKE OVER OM HAWK THAN DE. COMPOSE CHARACTER: BETWEEN THE BLACK ADVENTURER OM THE G.I. JOE ADVENTURE TEAM AND STALKER OM A REAL AMERIN HERO. IMPROBABLE AGE: BEG THE YOUNGT ARMY RANGER EVER WAS WHAT DREW JOE COLTON'S ATTENTN TO HIM. OUT OF FOC: DPE BEG HAWK'S SEND--MAND THE FIRST ARC OF ORIGS, HE DON'T REALLY MAKE ANY MORE SIGNIFINT APPEARANC UNTIL BEG RETNNED TO BEG PART OF THE ADVENTURE TEAM REVOLUTNARI.    BREAKER BREAKERTHE JO' MUNITNS OFFICER, WHO WAS PART OF THEIR IAL MISSN AGAST CHIMERA. COMMUNITNS OFFICER KILLED OFF FOR REAL: BY STEELER/BLACK-OUT. LEGACY CHARACTER: BY THE TIME OF REVOLUTN, THERE'S A NEW BREAKER. OUT OF FOC: AFTER THE IAL ORIGS ARC, HE DON'T SHOW UP AGA UNTIL COBRA VOLUME 3. TRAMARK FAVORE FOOD: THE SEND BREAKER IS HEARD CHEWG BUBBLEGUM, THE CHARACTER'S TRADNAL QUIRK. UNWTG PAWN: MANIPULATED BY SERPENTOR TO ACTG AS A MOLE SI G.I. JOE.    HEAVY DUTY HEAVY DUTY/LAMONT MORRISHEAVY DUTY SERVED AS THE BIG GUY ON THEIR FIRST MISSN AGAST CHIMERA, AND LATER RECED HIS ROADBLOCK TO THE JO.THE BIG GUY--> DEPOSE CHARACTER: AN ODD EXAMPLE. HE IALLY SEEMED TO BE A COMPOSE CHARACTER OF THE CLASSIC HEAVY DUTY AND ROADBLOCK WHO WAS RENAMED BACK TO "ROADBLOCK" DURG VOLUME 2, BUT A ONE-SHOT STORY VOLUME 3 REVEALED THAT HEAVY DUTY WAS ROADBLOCK'S AND WAS RPONSIBLE FOR RECG HIM TO G.I. JOE. FORCED TRANSFORMATN: GETS TRANSMUTED TO A DIRE WRAH BY THE TALISMAN. GENRE SAVVY: COMMENTS TO MAYDAY THAT "FOLKS WHO LOOK LIKE DON'T DO WELL HORROR MOVI". LETHAL CHEF: BY WORD OF GOD, THIS IS ONE OF THE WAYS HE DIFFERS OM ROADBLOCK. RELATED THE ADAPTATN: AS RENEGAS, HE'S ROADBLOCK'S . SERI CONTUY ERROR: A PTN DURG REVOLUTN REFERS TO HIM AS "HERSHEL DALTON", HIS RENEGAS/RISE OF COBRA NAME. SPICLY SIAR SUBSTUTE: TO ROADBLOCK, VOLUME 1.    ROADBLOCK ROADBLOCK/MARV F. HTONMARV HTON IS HEAVY DUTY'S , WHO MANAGED TO TRACK DOWN THE JO THROUGH THE "SIGMA SIX" TRAG PROGRAM. BEE OF THE SKILL REQUIRED TO DO SO, HE WAS BROUGHT TO THE TEAM UNR THE LLSIGN OF "ROADBLOCK". HE BEME A MEMBER OF DE'S PUBLIC TEAM VOLUME 3, AND WAS PROMOTED TO FIELD LEAR VOLUME 5. BALD OF AUTHORY: ACTS AS THE JO' FIELD LEAR THE 2016 SERI. CHEF OF IRON I CALL IT "VERA": REFERS TO HIS MACHE GUN AS "MA DCE". MORE DAKKA YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDG ME!: IN REVOLUTN #1, HE GETS PRETTY ANNOYED THAT BOTH ROM AND THE CYBERTRONIANS ARE TOTALLY IMMUNE TO BULLETS.     SHIPWRECK SHIPWRECKG.I. JOE'S MOST SENR NAVAL OFFICER, SHIPWRECK MANDS THE TEAM'S FLEET, CLUDG THE PTURED SUBMAR "LEMURIA" AND THE "TUNA". HE WAS ALSO MA A MEMBER OF DE'S PUBLIC "CELEBRY SOLDIER" TEAM DURG VOLUME 3. ANIMAL COMPANN: AVERTED UNTIL VOLUME 5, WHEN HE FALLY GOT HIS CLASSIC PANN POLLY. THE CAPTA FORMERLY F: IN VOLUME 3, HE HAD A TRIANGLE-SHAPED MCULAR PHYSIQUE, BUT BY THE TIME OF VOLUME 5 HE'S GOT A SER GUT ON HIM. GENERAL FAILURE: GETS PUT CHARGE OF THE JO WHILE SRLETT IS ON CYBERTRON DURG THE EVENTS OF FIRST STRIKE. AS STERSON STATED AN TERVIEW, GO ABOUT AS WELL AS YOU’D EXPECT OM A GUY NAMED SHIPWRECK. LETHAL CHEF: WH ROADBLOCK ACTG AS JOE FIELD LEAR VOLUME 5, SHIPWRECK TAK OVER AS HEAD OF TERG... BUT ONLY SERV EPLY UNPLEASANT SEAWEED-BASED VEGETARIAN FOOD. THE NICKNAMER: TENDS TO RENAME SHIPS THAT ARE PTURED OM THE ENEMY; COBRA'S DREADNGHT BE THE "TUNA", AND THE NEMIS BE THE "LEMURIA". SMALL NAME, BIG EGO: SPENDS A GOOD PART OF VOLUME 3 PLAG ABOUT HIS NAME, AND HOW HE'D RATHER BE LLED "BADASS", LIKE HE WAS DURG HIS NAVY DAYS. THEN HE GETS TO SHOW WHY HE SERV THAT NICKNAME... UNRWATER BASE: COMMANDS ONE THE 2016 SERI THE FORM OF THE LEMURIA.    COVER GIRL COVER GIRL/COURTNEY KRIEGERA FORMER MOL FAMO FOR HER BETY, COURTNEY KRIEGER JOED THE ARMY AFTER FIGHTG OFF A BAND OF RUTHLS MORN PIRAT DURG A GAME SHOW GONE WRONG AND FDG THAT SHE HAD A TALENT FOR . SHE WAS BROUGHT TO THE JO ON THE ADVICE OF RICHARD RUBY, AKA BULLETMAN, AND LATER WAS SELECTED TO BE A MEMBER OF DE'S PUBLIC TEAM. ACTN GIRL BA-AND-SWCH CHARACTER INTRO: IT WAS ONLY THE LAST TWO PANELS OF PAGE 13 OF #7 THAT SHOWED SHE WAS WEARG ANYTHG WHILE SAVG SHIPWRECK OM A MIDGET SUBMARE TT GONE WRONG. BOISTERO BISER: SHE'S VERY... ENTHIASTIC A FIGHT. MEANGFUL NAME: "KRIEGER" IS GERMAN FOR "WARRR", WHICH IS PARTICULARLY APPROPRIATE HERE. WRENCH WENCH: DOWNPLAYED, PARED TO HER TRADNAL PICTNS (TO THE EXTENT OF HER SPECIALTY VOLUME 3 BEG LISTED AS "INFILTRATN"), BUT 'S FELY STILL THERE, PARTICULARLY VOLUME 5.    QUICK KICK QUICK KICKG.I. JOE'S "SILENT WEAPONS EXPERT", AND AN EXPERT MARTIAL ARTIST WHO — UNLIKE SNAKE EY, FOR STANCE — DON'T NEED A GUN TO TAKE DOWN HIS ENEMI. THOUGH ARROGANT AND PROUD, HE'S ALSO IENDLY AND HELPFUL TO HIS ALLI. HE'S A MEMBER OF DE'S PUBLIC TEAM VOLUME 3, AND A MA CHARACTER OF VOLUME 5. ARROGANT KUNG-FU GUY: CONSIRS HIMSELF TO BE THE BT MARTIAL ARTIST THE WORLD. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT HE'S RIGHT. BARE-FISTED MONK NONCHALANT DODGE: DO THIS HIS FIGHT WH THE DREADNOKS, WHILE GETTG HIMSELF DNK FOR THE HELL OF . WALKG SHIRTLS SCENE: EARLY ON. HE GETS A MORE SENSIBLE MARTIAL ARTS OUTF VOLUME 5.    AGENT HELIX AGENT HELIXA NEW REC TO THE JO WH A UNIQUE MENTAL NDN, "TOTAL BATTLEFIELD AWARENS", THAT ALLOWS HER TO PERFECTLY TRACK EVERYTHG GOG ON A FIGHT AT ONCE, GIVG HER NEAR-PERFECT FIGHTG SKILLS; SHE'S MONLY TEAMED WH SNAKE EY, WHO N E HER SKILLS TO THE HIGHT EXTENT, AND WHOM SHE HAS A RAPPORT WH. DPE THIS, HER NDN MAK HARD FOR HER TO RELATE TO AND UNRSTAND OTHERS, AND SHE ALSO SUFFERS OM FACE BLDNS.AWOMENS BY ANALYSIS--> CANON IMMIGRANT: ORIGALLY CREATED FOR THE G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA TOYLE AND VIO GAME, AND BROUGHT TO THE ICS TO PROMOTE . COMBAT CLAIRVOYANCE: HAS SOMETHG SIAR THANKS TO HER "TOTAL BATTLEFIELD AWARENS", LETTG HER TRACK EVERYTHG THAT'S GOG ON SIMULTANEOLY.SPOTLIGHT-STEALG SQUAD-->    TUNNEL RAT TUNNEL RATTHE JO' TUNNEL OPERATNS SPECIALIST, WHOSE EXPERTISE EFUL WHENEVER THE P'S TUNNELS AND VENTS NEED TO BE TRAVERSED.STUFF BLOWG UP--> TUNNEL KG: IT'S THE NAME, OF URSE.    GUNG-HO GUNG-HOA MARE OM NEW ORLEANS, WHO'S ONE OF THE TEAM MEMBERS VOLUME 5. AMBIGUOLY GAY: LADY JAYE RATHER POTEDLY SAYS THAT SHE'S "NOT GUNG-HO'S TYPE"... AND ALSO, WELL, LOOK AT HIM.RAG' CAJUN-->WALKG SHIRTLS SCENE-->    STEELER STEELER/BLACK-OUT/THOMAS STALL

What if also stood for "gay"? Hollywood lik to st gay characters supportg rol, as background scenery, but they still don't anchor movi that often.

Suggted his onscreen Sherlock Holm—schled to h theater screens on Christmas—might have had a gay flg wh Watson (Ju Law).

Gawker scribed the "full blown gay panic" om nservative film cric Michael Medved. "Medved's off base—the Sherlock Holm screenplay don't even feature a male kiss, and actn hero have been a ltle gay sce the begng of the genre.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* GI JOE GAY

What If G.I. Joe Were Gay?.

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