Boomer's Beefke and Bondg: Jay and Silent Bob are Still Alive, Still Life Partners, and Gay-Posive

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• JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (SCRIPT)KEV SMH1 VIEWER13.8K VIEWS6 CONTRIBUTORSJAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (SCRIPT) LYRICSJAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACKSCREENPLAY BYKEV SMHOVER BLACK WE SEE:CHYRONA LONG TIME AGO, ONT OF A NVENIENCE STORE FAR, FARAWAY--EXT. QUICK STOP YEARS AGO--DAYWE FADE IN ON THE BLOCK OF STOR (QUICK STOP/RST), OMSOMETIME AGO, IN FACT, RST ISN'T RST; 'S THE RECORD RACK --A 45'S STORE WH HEAD SHOP PARAPHERNALIA THE WDOW. AWHE-TRASH MOTHER (MAYBE SEVENTEEN) WEARG A BASEBALL P TO AME RRYG A CHUBBY BABY. THE BABY WEARS ANOVERSIZED T-SHIRT UNR WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LTLE BATHROBE,AND MSILY EATS A CHOCOLATE BAR. THERE ARE FOOD STAMPS THE MOTHER'S HANDS.MOTHERBOBBY-BOY STAY HERE WHILE MOMMY PICKSUP THE EE CHEE, 'KAY?SHE LOOKS UP AT THE BRIGHT SUN, SHIELDG HER EY SLIGHTLY,THEN LOOKS BACK AT THE BABY ON THE GROUND. SHE TAK OFF HERBASEBALL P AND PLAC ON THE BABY.MOTHERTHIS'LL KEEP THE SUN OUT OF YOUREY. YOU BE GOOD NOW.SHE WALKS AWAY, LEAVG THE BABY STG AGAST THE WALL.WH THE BACKWARDS BASEBALL P AND THE CHOLATE AROUND HISMOUTH FORMG SOMETHG THAT REMBL A BEARD, THE KID LOOKSKD OF FAIAR.THEN, ANOTHER MOTHER (ALSO VERY YOUNG) CKED OUT A KISSNCERT SHIRT OM YEARS GONE BY AND HUGE, FEATHERED HAIRENTERS, WH A BLACK SKULLP WEARG BABY SLUNG AT HER HIP.SHE SE THE FIRST BABY, STG AGAST THE WALL AND SETSHER BABY DOWN BI HIM.MOTHERDON'T FUCKG MOVE, YOU LTLE SH-MACHE. MOMMY'S GONNA TRY TO SRE.A PASSERBY ENTERS, HEADG TOWARD THE NVENIENCE STORE. HETAK NOTE OF THE BABI AND THE MOTHER HEADG TO THERERD STORE, AND THEN STOPS AND ADDRS HER, DISGTED.PASSERBYEXCE ME--WHO'S WATCHG THEBABI?MOTHERTHE FAT ONE'S WATCHG THE LTLEONE.PASSERBYOH, NICE PARENTG.(WALKG AWAY)LEAVE'EM OUT HERE LIKE THAT AND SEEWHAT HAPPENS.THE PASSERBY WALKS AWAY. THE MOTHER FLIPS HIM THE BIRD.MOTHERFUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE!PASSERBY(WAVG HER OFF)AH, KEEP ON TCK'.MOTHER(TO BABY)D'JOU HEAR THE CRAZY FUCK TELL' MEHOW TO FUCK' RAISE YOU?MOTHERFUCKER, MAN! WHO'S HE FUCKGTHK HE IS? WHAT'S THE WORSE FUCK'THG ULD HAPPEN TO YOU STGOUTSI THE FUCK' STOR? FUCK!THE DOOR CLOS, AND THE BABI S THERE QUIETLY FOR A BEAT.THEN, THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THE LARGER ONE SAYS NOTHG.THE SMALLER ONE SAYS--BABYFUCK, FUCK, FUCK...DISSOLVE TO:THE PRESENTJAY AND SILENT BOB STAND WHERE THE BABI SAT. THE RERDRACK IS NOW RST VIDEO.JAY IS MID-CHANT.JAY(AS A CHANT)--FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, MOTHER-MOTHERFUCK, MOTHER-MOTHER FUCK-FUCK! MOTHER-FUCK-, MOTHER-FUCK, MOTHER-FUCK,NOCH, NOCH, NOCH, SMOKG WEED,SMOKG WEED, DOG KE, DRKGBEERS! DRKG BEERS, BEERS, BEERS,ROLLG FATTI, SMOKG BLUNTS! WHOSMOK THE BLUNTS? WE SMOKE THEBLUNTS!A PAIR OF TEENS APPROACH THEM.TEEN 1LEMME GET A NICKEL BAG.JAYFIFTEEN BUCKS, LTLE MAN. PUT THATSH MY HAND. IF THE MONEY DONOT SHOW, THEN YOU OWE-ME-OWE-ME-OWE.(CHANGG UP TO MORRISDAY)MY JUNGLE LOVE! Y, OH-WE-OH-WE-OH!I THK I WANT TO KNOW YA', KNOW YA'--TEEN 1(DIGGG POCKETS)WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SGG?JAYYOU DON'T KNOW "JUNGLE LOVE"? THATSH IS THE MAD NOT. WRTEN BYGOD HERSELF AND HAND DOWN TO THEWORLD'S GREATT BAND--THEMOTHERFUCKG TIME.TEEN 2THE GUYS THAT PRCE MOVIE?TEEN 1PURPLE RA.TEEN 2MAN, THAT SH WAS SO GAY--FUCKGEIGHTI STYLE.JAY SUDNLY GRABS THE KID BY THE THROAT, THROWG HIM AGASTTHE WALL.JAYBCH, DON'T YOU NEVER SAY AN UNKDWORD ABOUT THE TIME! ME AND SILENTBOB MOLED OUR WHOLE FUCKG LIVAFTER MORRIS DAY AND JEROME! I'M ASMOOTH PIMP WHO LOV THE PSY, ANDTUBBY HERE'S MY BLACK MANSERVANT!JT THEN, RANDAL EXS THE VIO STORE, LOCKG THE DOORBEHD HIM.RANDALWHAT'D I TELL YOU TWO ABOUT ALG ONT OF THE STORE? DROP THE KIDAND PEDDLE YOUR WAR SOMEPLACE ELSE,BURN-BOY.(WALKG AWAY)AND FOR THE RERD, THE TIME SUCKEDASS.HE EXS. JAY, SILENT BOB, AND THE TEENS WATCH HIM GO. AFTERA BEAT--JAYYO-YOE GUYS WANNA HEAR SOMETHGFUCKED UP ABOUT HIM AND THE QUICKSTOP GUY?INT. QUICK STOP-DAYRANDAL JOS DANTE BEHD THE UNTER. DANTE RGS UP ACTOMER, A HALF-EATEN SUBMARE SANDWICH STG ON THEUNTER. RANDAL GRABS , TAK A BE, AND STARTS READG ANEWSPAPER.RANDALHEY, N'T WE DO SOMETHG ABOUTTHOSE TWO STONERS HANGG AROUNDOUTSI ALL THE TIME?DANTEWHY? WHAT'D THEY DO NOW?RANDALI'M TRYG TO WATCH CLASH OF THETANS, AND ALL I N HEAR IS THETWO THEM SCREAMG ABOUT MORRIS DAYAT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.DANTEI THOUGHT THE FAT ONE DIDN'T REALLYTALK MUCH.RANDALWHAT, AM I PRODUCG AN A&E BGRAPHYABOUT 'EM? I'M JT SAYG THEYSHOULDN'T BE LOERG AROUND THTOR LIKE THEY DO.DANTENEHER SHOULD YOU, BUT WE LET YOTAY.RANDALSEE, MAN--IF YOU WERE FUNNIER THANTHAT, ABC NEVER WOULD'VE NCELS.DANTEWHAT?RANDALNOTHG.ENTER TEEN 1 AND TEEN 2, CHUCKLG.TEEN 1TWO PACKS OF WRAPS.(BEAT)YO--HOW WAS THE SERVICE?RANDALWHAT SERVICE?TEEN 2THE ONE AT THE UNARIAN CHURCH WHEREYOU TWO GOT MARRIED TO EACH OTHERLAST WEEK.RANDALWHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKG ABOUT?TEEN 1JAY SAID YOU HAD A STAR-WARS--THEMEDWEDDG AND YOU GUYS TIED THE KNOTDRSED LIKE STORM TROOPERS.TEEN 2YEAH. AND HE SAID YOU'RE THE BCHAND YOU'RE THE BUTCH. OH, SORRY--THELEIA AND THE LE.DANTEI'M THE BCH?!RANDALWELL IF WE WERE GAY, THAT'S HOW I'DSEE .DANTEWOULD YOU SHUT UP?!TEEN 1(TO TEEN 2)HOLY SH, DU. THE HONEYMOON'SOVER.DANTEWE'RE NOT MARRIED TO EACH OTHER.TEEN 1WELL, SURE. NOT THE EY OF THTATE OR ANY REAL CHURCH, SKYWALKER.RANDAL(HEADG FOR THE PHONE)THAT DO . I'M GONNA DO SOMETHGABOUT THOSE TWO. I SHOULDA DONE ALONG TIME AGOTEEN 2IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY!TEEN 1(EXG)MAY THE FORK BE WH YOU. HANDJABBA THE HUTT.RANDAL(TO PHONE)YEAH, I WANT TO REPORT A UPLE OFDG ALERS OUT ONT OF THEQUICK STOP.EXT. QUICK STOP--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB ARE THROWN AGAST THE WALL OUTSI BY ACOP, WHO ISKS THEM.JAYWHAT THE FUCK, SERPI? WHAT'D WEDO?COPWE GOT A REPORT THAT TWO GUYS WEREHANGG AROUND OUTSI THE STOR,SELLG POT?JAYWE DON'T SMOKE POT, YO.TEEN 1 ENTERS AND HANDS JAY ROLLG PAPERS.TEEN 1HERE'RE THE ROLLG PAPERS YOU WANTEDFOR YOUR POT. AND YOUR CHANGE. THANKS.(GETTG JAY'SFACE)AND THE TIME SUCKS ASS!TEEN 1 RAC OFF. JAY AND BOB MOVE TO FOLLOW, BUT THE COPSTOPS THEM, GRABBG THE ROLLG PAPERS OUT OF JAY'S HAND.HE EYEBALLS THE PAIR.COPNO POT, HUNH? WHAT DO YOU NEED THISFOR?JAYWHAT? I GOT A WIPG PROBLEM. ISTICK THE LTLE PIEC OF PAPEROVER MY BROWN-EYE, AND BAM--NO SHSTAS MY UNDI.(UNBUTTONG PANTS)YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? LEMME SHOWYOU.JAY DROPS HIS PANTS AND LEANS AGAST THE WALL, LOOKG BACKOVER HIS SHOULR.JAYJT SPREAD MY CHEEKS A LTLE ANDYOU N SEE THE FUCKG STK NUGGETS--COPPULL UP YOUR PANTS UP SIR, NOW!JAY BENDS DOWN TO PULL UP HIS PANTS AND FARTS. SILENT BOBCRACKS UP. THE COP GRABS THEM BOTH, LEADG THEM TOWARD THER.COPLET'S TAKE A RI DOWN TO THE STATN.JAYWHAT? IT'S SUDNLY A CRIME TO FART,MOTHERFUCKER?!EXT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--DAYAN ESTABLISHING SHOT OF BRODIE'S STORE THE HEART OF REDBANK.BRODIE (O.S.)NO FUCKG WAY!WE GO TIGHT ON THE HUGE, RTOON SIGN OF BRODIE OUTSI TO--INT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--LATERBRODIE HIMSELF, HOLDG A STACK OF ICS ONE HAND AND ADIXIE CUP THE OTHER, JAY AND SILENT BOB FOLLOW HIM AS HEPUTS NEW BOOKS THE RACKS.BRODIEDANTE AND RANDAL SLAPPED YOU WH ARTRAG ORR?!JAYJUDGE SAID IF WE GO WH A HUNDREDFEET OF THE STOR, WE GET THROWNTO COUNTY.BRODIESO YOU GONNA ABI BY THE URT'SLG OR YOU GONNA GO BAND--REYNOLDS STYLE?JAYFUCK YEAH! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MAKEYOU DO UNTY? TOSS THE FUCKGSALAD! I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCK'SASSHOLE; I'M GONNA DO FOR SOMTRANGER?BRODIEI GUS IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO HANGOUT OM OF A NVENIENCE STORE,YOU ULD JT BUY YOUR OWN NOW--WHAT WH ALL THAT MONEY YOU GUYSMA.JAYHELL YEAH, BCH.(BEAT)WA A SEND--WHAT MONEY?BRODIETHE MONEY OM THE MOVIE, DUMB-ASS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLG ABOUT?BRODIE(PULLG A BAGGED-AND-BOARD ISSUE DOWNOM THE WALL)THE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC MOVIE.(DAWNS ON HIM)OH MY GOD--DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE NOIA THERE'S A MOVIE BEG MA OFTHE IC YOU TWO WERE THE BASISFOR.JAYWHAT?! SCE WHEN?BRODIEGODDAM, MAN--(TAPS HIS WRIST)HERE'S THE PULSE, ALRIGHT. AND HERE'SYOUR FGER--(SHOV HIS HAND DOWNTHE BACK OF HIS PANTS)--FAR OM THE PULSE, JAMMED STRAIGHTUP YOUR ASS.(EXTRACTS HAND ANXTENDS TO JAY)SAY--WOULD YOU LIKE A CHOLATEVERED PRETZEL?BRODIE LEADS THEM BACK TO THE UNTER.BRODIEYOU SEE, KIDS, IF YOU READ WIZARD,YOU'D KNOW 'S THE TOP STORY THISMONTH. CHECK OUT.BRODIE HANDS JAY AND SILENT BOB A PY OF WIZARD, OPENED TOTHE HEADLE: SNOOTCHIE BOOTCHI! BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC GETBIG SCREEN TREATMENT! THERE ARE PICTUR OF HOLDEN MCNEILAND BANKY EDWARDS, AS WELL AS DRAWGS OF BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC.JAYWHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!BRODIEWELL, AFTER X-MEN H AT THE BOXOFFICE, ALL THE STUDS STARTED BUYGUP EVERY IC PROPERTY THEY ULDGET THEIR HANDS ON. MIRAMAX OPTNEDBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC.JAYMIRAMAX? I THOUGHT THEY ONLY MACLASSY FLICKS LIKE THE PIANO AND THECRYG GAME?BRODIEYEAH, WELL ONCE THEY MA SHE'S ALLTHAT, EVERYTHG WENT TO HELL. SOYOU'RE SAYG YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN ACUT OF THE MOVIE? DIDN'T HOLN MCNEILAND BANKY EDWARDS ED TO PAY YOULIKENS RIGHTS FOR THE IC BOOK?JAYWE HAVEN'T SEEN A FUCKG DIME FORNO MOVIE!BRODIEWELL BOYS, I'M NO LAWYER, BUT I THKHOLN AND BANKY OWE YOU SOME OF THEPROVERBIAL PHAT SH. I MEAN THEY'REMAKG A MOVIE BASED ON CHARACTERSTHAT ARE BASED ON YOU AND QUIETROBERT.JAYIT A'T ME AND QUIET ROBERT. IT'S APAIR OF STUPID-ASS SUPERHERO THATN AROUND SAYG "SNCHY-NCHI"OR SOMETHG.BRODIEI BELIEVE "SNOOTCHIE BOOCHI."REGARDLS--YOU'RE GETTG SCREWED.IF I WAS YOU GUYS, I'D NONT HOLNMCNEIL AND ASK HIM FOR MY MOVIE CHECK.JAYSH YEAH. WE GOTSA GET PAID.BRODIEAND ON THAT NOTE, WE CUE THE MIC.JAY LAYS DOWN A HOE BASS BEAT. BRODIE PLEMENTS WHHIS OWN BEAT.EXT. POTZER'S INC--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB MOSEY PAST THE ONT DOOR OF THE BUILDGAND KNOCK.INT. POTZER'S INC--DAYHOLN MCNEIL, OPENS THE DOOR AND S.HOLDENWELL! I HAVE BEEN WAG YEARS TODO THIS.(S)LOOK AT THE MOROSE MOTHERFUCKERSRIGHT HERE. SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE SH THEIR CEREAL. BUNNGG!JAY AND SILENT BOB ENTER. HOLN CLOS THE DOOR, FOLLOWGTHEM.JAYWHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONGANSWERG YOUR DAMN DOOR? YOU TRYGTO TALK ANOTHER GIRLIEND OF YOURSTO SOME OF THAT GAY-ASS THREE-WAYACTN WH YOUR BUDDY?HOLDENNO, I WAS JT SHOWERG YOUR MOTHER'SSTK OFF ME AFTER I GAVE HER A QUICKJUMP AND SENT HER HOME. BUT NOW THATYOU MENTN --(TO BOB)THANKS, YOU KNOW. YOU ULD'VE MATHE MORAL OF THAT STORY YOU TOLD MEA B MORE CLEAR.SILENT BOB SHGS.HOLDENSO WHAT BRGS YOU TWO DIRT MERCHANTSTO MY NECK OF THE WOODS?JAYOH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT OUR NECKS AREDOG YOUR WOODS--SILENT BOB HOLDS UP THE WIZARD ARTICLE.JAYWHERE'S OUR MOTHERFUCKG MOVIE CHECK?HOLDENYOU HEARD ABOUT THAT TOO, HUNH? WELL,I'VE GOT NOTHG TO DO WH . THAT'SBANKY'S AL. HE OWNS THE PROPERTYNOW. I SIGNED MY HALF OF THE BLUNTMANAND CHRONIC RIGHT OVER TO HIM YEARSAGO.JAYWHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO A THGLIKE THAT?HOLDENBEE I'M ALMOST THIRTY, FOR GOD'SSAKE--WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TOKEEP WRG ABOUT CHARACTERS WHOSECENTRAL PREOCCUPATNS ARE WEED ANDDICK AND FART JOK? YOU GOTTA GROW,MAN. DON'T YOU EVER WANT MORE FORYOURSELF?(OFF SILENT BOB)I KNOW THIS POOR, HAPLS SONOVABCHDO. I LOOK HIS DOE EY AND ISEE A MAN CRYG OUT, "WHEN, LORD?WHEN THE FUCK N YOUR SERVANT DCHTHIS FOUL-MOUTHED LTLE CHUCKLEHEADTO WHOM I AM A NSTANT VICTIM OFHIS FOLLY, AND WHO BOMBARDS ME ANDTHOSE AROUND WH GRA-AFOOLISHNS THAT PREVENTS ME OMEVEN GETTG TO KISS A GIRL? FUCK!WHEN?!SILENT BOB NOD LIKE HE'S FALLY UNRSTOOD. JAY LOOKS ATHIM, HURT, AND BOB TRIED TO DOWNPLAY THE MENT'S TTH.JAYI'M THE CHUCKLEHEAD? FUCK YOU--YOU'RETHE DUMB-ASS WHO GAVE AWAY HIS IC,AND NOW YOU A'T GOT NO FAT MOVIECHECK NEHER.HOLDENWHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. IWISH I'D BROKEN OFF A LTLE PIECEFOR MYSELF. BEE IF THE BUZZ ISANY DITN, THE MOVIE'S GONNAMAKE SOME HUGE BANK.JAYWHAT BUZZ?HOLDENTHE INTER BUZZ.JAYWHAT THE FUCK IS THE INTER?INT. OFFICE OF POTZER'S INC--LATERHOLN'S AT A PUTER TERMAL. JAY AND SILENT BOB LOOKOVER HIS SHOULR.HOLDENTHE INTER IS A MUNITN VICETHAT ALLOWS PEOPLE THE WORLD OVER TOBCH ABOUT MOVI AND SHAREPORNOGRAPHY WH ONE ANOTHER.(OFF MONOR)HERE'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKG FOR: ";JAY(TO BOB)"POOPCHUTE." YEAAAHHH.HOLDENTHIS IS A SE FULL OF ANT MOVIEBUFFS: SAD BASTARDS WHO LIVE THEIRPARENTS' BASEMENTS, DOWNLOADGSCRIPTS AND TRADG WHAT THEY BELIEVETO BE SI ABOUT MOVI ANDACTORS THEY SPISE YET N'T STOPDISCSG. THIS IS WHERE YOU GO IFYOU WANNA HEAR TRATED WOULD-BEFILMMAKERS MOUTH OFF WH THEIR TWO-B, ARM-CHAIR-DIRECTOR'S OPNSON HOW THEY ALL ULD'VE MA A BETTEREPISO ONE.ON THE PUTER MONOR, WE SEE THE SE MAPAGE LOAD UP.HOLN BEGS NAVIGATG THE SE.HOLDENHERE. THIS IS ABOUT THE BLUNTMANMOVIE.(READG)"INSI SOURC TELL ME MIRAMAX ISSTARTG PRODUCTN THIS FRIDAY ONTHEIR ADAPTATN OF UNRGROUND ICFAVE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC."JAYFRIDAY?! SH. DO SAY WHO'SPLAYG THE MOVIE?HOLDENNO, BUT IF 'S MIRAMAX, I'M SURE'LL BE BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON.THEY PUT'EM A BUNCH OF MOVI.JAYWHO?HOLDENYOU KNOW--THE GUYS OM GOOD WILLHUNTG.JAYYOU MEAN THE FUCKG MOVIE WH MORKOM ORK ?HOLDENYEAH, I'M NOT TOO BIG A FAN EHER.THOUGH AFFLECK WAS THE BOMB PHANTOMS.JAYWORD, BCH. PHANTOMS LIKE AMOTHERFUCKER.HOLN AND JAY SLAP HANDS. HOLN POTS AT THE MONOR AGA.HOLDENNOW DOWN HERE IS WHERE YOU N GGETHE BUZZ. THIS IS THE SHOOT BACKAREA. IT'S WHERE PEOPLE WHO READ THENEWS GET TO CHIME WH THEIR TWOCENTS. HERE'S WHAT A GUY WHO GO BYTHE CHICK-MAG NET HANDLE OF "WAMPA-ONE" THKS ABOUT BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC.(READG)"BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC AND THEIR STUPIDALTER EGOS JAY AND SILENT BOB ONLYWORK SMALL DOS, IF AT ALL. THEYDON'T SERVE THEIR OWN MOVIE."(TO JAY)HE'S GOT A POT.JAYFUCK HIM. WHAT'S THE NEXT ONE SAY?HOLDEN(READG)"BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC IS THE WORSTIC I EVER READ. JAY AND SILENTBOB ARE STUPID CHARACTERS. A UPLEOF STONERS WHO SPOUT DUMB-ASSTCHPHRAS LIKE A THIRD-RATE CHEECHAND CHONG OR BILL AND TED. FUCK JAYAND SILENT BOB. FUCK THEM UP THEIRSTUPID ASS."JAYWHO THE FUCK SAID THAT SH?!HOLDENA GUY WHO LLS HIMSELF "MAGNOLIA-FAN." CHECK OUT WHAT THE GUY AFTERHIM SAID: "JAY AND SILENT BOB ARETERRIBLE, ONE-NOTE JOK THAT ONLYSTONERS LGH AT. THEY'RE FUCKGCLOWN SHO. IF THEY WERE REAL, I'DBEAT THE SH OUT OF THEM FOR BEGSO STUPID. I N'T BELIEVE MIRAMAXWOULD HAVE ANYTHG TO SO WH THISSH. I, FOR ONE, WILL BE BOYTTGTHIS MOVIE. WHO'S WH ME?"(LEANS BACK)AND THEN THERE ARE ABOUT FIFTY MOREPOSTS OM PEOPLE WHO AGREE TO JOSPARTAC-HERE'S BOYTT OF THE FLICK.JAY(GRIMLY)I'M GONNA KILL ALL THE FUCKS--HOLDENAH, LET GO. NUMBER ONE, THEY'RE ABUNCH OF JEALO LTLE DICKS WHOE THE ANONYMY OF THE NET TO SULTPEOPLE WHO'RE DOG WHAT THEY WISHTHEY WERE DOG, AND NUMBER TWO,THEY'RE NOT REALLY TALKG ABOUT YOUGUYS--THEY TALKG ABOUT BLUNTMANAND CHRONIC.JAYBUT THEY SAID JAY AND SILENT BOB!THEY ED OUR REAL NAM. IT DON'TMATTER THAT THERE'S A IC BOOKVERSN OF AND A REAL VERSN,'E NOBODY KNOWS WE'RE REAL REAL LIFE.HOLDENREALLY.JAYYEAH! AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO READTHAT SH THK THE REAL JAY ANDSILENT BOB ARE A UPLE OF FAGGOTS'E OF THAT ALL THE DICKS AREWRG ABOUT THE IC BOOK JAY ANDSILENT BOB! AND MAYBE ONE NIGHT, MEAND LUNCHBOX'LL BE MACKG SOME BCH,AND SHE'LL BE LIKE "OOOO! I WANT TOSUCK YOE GUYS DICKS OFF. WHAT'SYOUR NAM?" AND I'LL BE LIKE, "JAYAND SILENT BOB." AND SHE'LL BE LIKE,"OH--I READ ON THE INTER THATYOE GUYS WERE LTLE FUCKGJERKOFFS." AND THEN SHE GO ANDSUCKS TWO OTHER GUYS'S DICKS OFFSTEAD! WELL FUCK THAT! WE GOTTAPUT A STOP TO THE HATEFUL SONSA-BCH BEFORE THEY OUR GOODNAM!HOLDENFIRST OFF, I DON'T KNOW HOW GOODYOUR NAM REALLY ARE. SENDLY,THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU N DO ABOUTSTOPPG THIS BILE. THE INTER'SGIVEN EVERYONE AMERI A VOICE,AND EVERYONE AMERIN HAS CHOSENTO E THAT VOICE TO BCH ABOUTMOVI. AS LONG AS THERE'S A BLUNTMANAND CHRONIC MOVIE, THE NET-NERDS AREGONNA HAVE SOMETHG NEGATIVE TO SAYABOUT . JAY STEAMS, THKG.THEN, A LIGHT DAWNS ON HIM.JAYBUT WA A SEND--IF THERE WASN'T ABLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC MOVIE, THEN NOONE WOULD BE SAYG SH ABOUT JAYAND SILENT BOB, RIGHT?HOLDENTHEY'RE NOT SAYG ANYTHG ABOUTYOU NOW--THEY'RE TALKG ABOUTFICTNAL CHARACTERS!JAY(OBLIV TO HOLN;TO BOB)SO ALL WE GOTTA DO IS STOP 'EM OMMAKG THE MOVIE!HOLDENYEAH, AND KISS-OFF THE HUNDREDS OFTHOANDS OF DOLLARS ROYALTIYOU'RE DUE THE PROCS. ARE YOUFUCKG RETARD? LOOK, I'M PROBABLYNOT ALONE THE OPN THAT THISFLICK IS THE WORST IA SCE GREEDOSHOOTG FIRST. I MEAN, A JAY ANDSILENT BOB MOVIE? WHO WOULD PAY TOSEE THAT?HOLN, JAY AND SILENT BOB PSE AND LOOK AT THE MERA FORA BEAT. THEN--HOLDENBUT SCE IS HAPPENG, YOU MIGHTAS WELL JT IGNORE THE IDTS ONTHE INTER, GO FD BANKY, AND GETYOUR "MOTHERFUCKG MOVIE CHECK." ASYOU SO SUCCCTLY PUT . THAT'SWHAT'S IMPORTANT HERE.JAYNO, HOLN MCNEIL--WHAT'S IMPORTANTHERE IS THAT THERE'S A BUNCH OFMOTHERFUCKERS WE DON'T EVEN KNOWLLG ASSHOL ON THE INTERTO A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS AND GUYS WHON'T EVEN GET LAID. PUTTG A STOPTO THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THGWE ULD EVER DO.(OFF MONOR)WHEN DID SAY THEY'RE MAKG THATMOVIE?HOLDENTHEY START THIS FRIDAY.JAYSO IF TODAY'S TUDAY, THAT GIV --(UNTS)EIGHT DAYS.HOLDENIT'S MORE LIKE THREE DAYS.JAYRIGHT. THREE DAYS TO STOP THAT STUPIDFUCKG MOVIE OM GETTG MA!C'MON, SILENT BOB--JAY AND BOB STAND AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER, FILLED WH PURPOSE.JAYWE'RE GOG TO HOLLYWOOD.THEY STRI OFF. HOLN SHAK HIS HEAD.HOLDENNOW THAT'S WHAT I LL THE BLUNTLEADG THE BLUNT.EXT. BUS STATION--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB APPROACH A B THAT'S LABELED "LOSANGEL." THEY NOD AT EACH OTHER AND THEN CLIMB ABOARD. AFTERA BEAT, THEY RE-EMERGE.JAYTICKETS? SCE WHEN DID THEY STARTCHARGG FOR THE B?THEY HEAD TOWARD THE POT.JAYDIDN'T WE ED TO RI THAT SH TOSCHOOL EVERY DAY FOR EE?EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE B ROARS PAST A SIGN THAT READ: LEAVG NEW JERSEY.INT. BUS--SAMEJAY MAK HIS WAY UP TO THE DRIVER.JAYWE HOLLYWOOD YET?DRIVERIT'S A THREE--DAY RI TO LOS ANGEL,SIR. WE LEFT TWENTY MUT AGO.JAYI DIDN'T ASK YOU ABOUT LOS ANGEL.I ASKED YOU ABOUT HOLLYWOOD.DRIVERHOLLYWOOD'S LOS ANGEL, SIR.JAYDON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! ARE WE HOLLYWOOD YET OR NOT?DRIVERPLEASE S DOWN, SIR.JAY GLAR AT THE DRIVER AND HEADS BACK TO HIS SEAT.JAYWHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SEAT RALPHKRAMN--JAY SLUMPS TO THE SEAT BI SILENT BOB.JAYI'M FUCKG BORED, MAN. THERE A'TSH TO SO ON THIS B.SILENT BOB MIM JERKG OFF.JAYI ALREADY DID THAT. TWICE.SILENT BOB SHGS, LOOKG OUT THE WDOW, JAY LOOKS ACROSSTHE AISLE AND SPOTS A CHILD IN A HELMET PLAYG A HANDHELDVIO GAME. HE LEANS OVER TO HIM.JAYYO, GRETZKY--LEMME GET A TURN.CHILDLEAVE ME ALONE, LTLE KID.THE CHILD GIV HIM THE FGER. JAY GO WI-EYED, TURNGTO SILENT BOB.JAYTHAT FUCK LLED ME A LTLE KID ANDGAVE ME THE FGER! GO KICK HIS ASS!SILENT BOB OFFERS AN CRLO LOOK, AS IF TO SAY, "HE'STEN YEARS OLD."JAYYOU'RE MY MCLE, A'TCHA?SILENT BOB KD OF NODS.JAYSO GO OPEN A N OF WHUP-ASS ON THATLTLE FUCK, AND GET ME HIS GAME!SILENT BOB SIGHS AND STANDS. HE CLIMBS OVER JAY TO THEAISLE AND STANDS ONT OF THE CHILD. HE LOOKS AT HIM ANDREGISTERS DOUBT. HE LOOKS BACK TO JAY, WHO WAV HIM ON.SILENT BOB STEELS HIMSELF, LOOKS BACK TO THE KID AND REACHFOR HIS GAME. THE CHILD EMS A HIGH-PCHED SCREAM AND STARTSPUNCHG HIMSELF THE HEAD. SILENT BOB DIV BACK TO HISSEAT, TRYG TO LOOK NONCHALANT. THE CHILD STOPS CRYG. JAYLOOKS AT SILENT BOB.JAYYOU'RE ONE TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER, YONOW THAT?EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE B PULLS OVER BY THE SI OF THE ROAD.INT. BUS--DAYTHE B DRIVER HEADS DOWN THE AISLE TOWARD THE BACK OF THEB, FOLLOWED BY PISSED-OFF PASSENGERS.PASSENGERTHEY BEEN THERE GOG ON HALF ANHOUR NOW! TWO OF THEM! DOG GODKNOWS WHAT!THE B DRIVER BANGS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR AND SHOUTS.DRIVERTHIS B ISN'T MOVG ANOTHER CHUNLS YOU CLEAR OUT OF THERE RIGHTNOW!NO ANSWER. THE B DRIVER BANGS ON THE DOOR HARR.DRIVERDO YOU HEAR ME?! OPEN THIS DOOR!NOW!!THE DOOR HANDLE TURNS, THE DOOR SWGS WI, AND MASSIVEAMOUNTS OF SMOKE SUDNLY BILLOW THROUGH THE BACK OF THEB. THE SMOKE CLEARS TO REVEAL JAY AND SILENT BOB SQUEEZEDTO THE BATHROOM, HOLDG A MASSIVE JOT.JAYUM--I THK SOMETHG'S BURNG BACKHERE.EXT. ROADSIDE--LATERAS THE B PULLS AWAY, JAY AND SILENT BOB ARE REVEALED, LEFTBEHD.JAYTHE WHOLE FUCKG WORLD'S AGAST, DU. I SWEAR TO GOD.SILENT BOB NODS. JAY STICKS OUT HIS THUMB AND STARTS HCHG.EXT. ROADSIDE--LATERJAY AND BOB ARE WALKG BACKWARDS, HCHG STILL.JAYTHIS SUCKS BALLS, MAN. HOW E WEA'T GETTG NO RIS?VOICE'CSE YOU'RE DOG ALL WRONG.JAY AND BOB LOOK BEHD THEM. THERE'S A GUY HCHG AS WELL.GUYYOU GOTTA DUCE THE DRIVERS A LTLE.JAYLIKE HOW?GUYLIKE THIS.THE GUY HOLDS OUT HIS SIGN TO THEM. IT READS: WILL GIVE HEADFOR RI.JAYYEAH, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET THE R, AND YOU DON'T MAKE WHTHE HEAD? DON'T THEY KICK YOUR ASSTO THE CURB?GUYSURE--IF YOU DON'T MAKE WH THEHEAD.JAY AND BOB LOOK AT HIM FOR A LONG BEAT. THEN--JAYEWW! YOU EAT THE CK?!?GUYYEAH. IF 'LL GET ME A FEW HUNDRED ACROSS UNTRY. I'LL TAKE ASHOT THE MOUTH.JAYYEAH, BUT WE A'T GAY.GUYWELL, NEHER AM I. BUT HAVE YOEEN THE PRICE OF B TICKETS LATELY?SH--I DON'T WANNA UGH UP TWOHUNDRED BUCKS JT TO GET TO CHIGO.JAYWELL, I DON'T WANNA UGH UP SOM'S SPERM!GUYDON'T BE SO SUBURBAN--THIS IS THENEW LENNIUM. GAY, STRAIGHT--'SALL THE SAME NOW. THERE'RE NO MOREL.JAY DRAWS A LE ON THE GROUND WH HIS FOOT.JAYTHERE'S ONE. ON THIS SI OF , WEA'T GAY.GUYALL HCHERS DO THIS. WHY DO YOUTHK PEOPLE PICK UP? IF YOU GETA RI, 'S EXPECTED--I DON'T REWHO THE DRIVER IS. IT'S THE FIRSTLE THE BOOK.JAYWHAT BOOK?GUYTHE UNWRTEN BOOK OF THE ROAD.A TRUCK STARTS TO PULL OVER TO THE SI OF THE ROAD. THE GUYPOTS TO , AS IF TO SAY "SEE?" THE PASSENGER-SI DOOROPENS. THE GUY CLIMBS TO THE TCK AND CLOS THE DOOR. HELOOKS OUT THE WDOW AT JAY AND BOB.GUYFOLLOW THE L OF THE BOOK, ANDYOU'LL GET WHERE YOU'RE GOG NOTIME. EXCE ME.THROUGH THE WDSHIELD, JAY AND SILENT BOB SEE THE GUY GOFACE-FIRST TO THE TRUCK DRIVER'S LAP. THE TCK DRIVERSS, AND THE TCK TAK OFF, ROARG DOWN THE ROAD.JAY AND SILENT BOB WATCH THE TCK DISAPPEAR. THEN, A CARPULLS UP. THE NUN DRIVG ROLLS DOWN THE PASSENGER SI WDOWAND LEANS TOWARD THEM.NUNYOU TWO BOYS NEED A RI?INT. CAR--LATERTHE NUN DRIV, SG. JAY AND SILENT BOB S THE BACKSEAT, HUDDLED CLOSE TOGETHER, THEIR EY GLUED ON THE NUN.NUNYOU BOTH DON'T HAVE TO S BACK THERE.ONE OF YOU N S UP HERE WH ME.SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD "NO" TO JAY. JAY SHGS AND CLIMBSUP ONT.NUNSO WHERE ARE YOU BOYS OM?JAYNEW JERSEY.NUNWHAT BRGS YOU TO INDIANA?JAYWE'RE GOG TO HOLLYWOOD.NUNHOLLYWOOD, HUNH? THAT'S A LONG WAYSAWAY.JAYYEAH--WE'RE LUCKY YOU PICKED UP.NUNWELL, DO UNTO OTHERS. THAT'S WHATTHE BOOK SAYS.JAY(MISTERPRETGPLETELY)WA A MUTE--YOU FOLLOW THE BOOK,TOO?NUNI LIVE MY LIFE BY .JAYREALLY? YOU?NUNOF URSE. YOU KNOW HOW LONELY GETS ON THE ROAD? THANKS TO THE BOOK,I'M NEVER ALONE--IF YOU KNOW WHAT IMEAN.JAYI GUS. THIS GUY BACK THERE EXPLAED TO . BUT I DIDN'T THK YOU'DBE TO THAT.NUNARE YOU KIDDG? I'VE DITED MYLIFE TO . EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY.JAYSH--YOU NUNS ARE ALRIGHT.NUNYOU LIVE BY THE BOOK, TOO?JAYYOU PICKED UP, DIDN'T YOU? I GOTTA.NUNTHAT'S GOOD TO HEAR. BUT TAKED, NOT WORDS. IT'S A LOT EASIERTO SAY YOU LIVE BY THE BOOK THAN TOACTUALLY DO .(LOOKS AT HIM)CAN YOU DO ?JAYYOU WANT ME TO DO RIGHT NOW?NUNNO TIME LIKE THE PRENT, RIGHT?JAY LOOKS BACK AT SILENT BOB. SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD"NO." JAY SHGS THEM FLIPS HIS HAIR OVER HIS SHOULR, ANDSTARTS TO BEND DOWN.JAYALRIGHT.(HE SUDNLY STOPS)YOU HEAR THAT? SHE'S NOT A CATHOLIC.SHE'S A PRBYTERIAN.JAY DISAPPEARS BELOW THE DASH, THE NUN GO WI-EYED.EXT. ROADSIDE--DAYTHE NUN'S R SCREECHED TO THE SI OF THE ROAD. JAY GETSKICKED OUR OF THE ONT SEAT BY THE SCREAMG NUN. SILENTBOB SH OUT TOO, AND THE R RAC OFF. JAY'S WIP HISMOUTH. HE PULLS A LONG CURLY HAIR OM BETWEEN HIS TEETH.JAYDU--SHE HAD SEVENTI BH.EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHTJAY AND BOB NTUE HCHG.JAYI N'T BELIEVE THIS SH. FIVE HOURSAND NOT A SGLE RI. EVERY DAY,LNS OF PEOPLE HCH TO HOLLYWOODAND STOP STUDS OM MAKG MOVIABOUT 'EM. BUT WHEN YOU AND ME TRY, 'S LIKE WE'RE TRAPPED AFUCKG RTOON!A FAIAR-LOOKG VAN PULLS UP THE OTHER SI OF THERAID, THE HORN BEEPS. JAY AND BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHG,AND RACE ACROSS THE STREET, GET . THE VAN PULLS OFF.INT. VAN--NIGHTJAY AND BOB S THE BACK OF THE N AND STARE AT--A CLEAN-CUT GUY, A BOOKISH WOMAN GLASS, A RED HEADBETY, A STONER DUDE, AND A GREAT DANE.JAY LOOKS AT SILENT BOB.JAYZOKS, YOGUYAND NOW WE N FALLY SOLVE THEMYSTERY OF THE HCHHIKG GHOULS!PULL OFF THEIR MASKS AND LET'S SEEWHO THEY REALLY ARE!BOOKISHI DON'T THK THEY ARE MASKS.BEAUTYI DON'T THK THEY'RE HCHHIKGGIRLS EHER.BOOKISHGHOULS, YOU FUCKG MORON. NOT GIRLS.(TO HERSELF)THOUGH I WISH THEY WERE HCHHIKGGIRLS. SEXY, SKIMPILY CLAD HCHHIKGGIRLS--GUYLET'S KICK THEM OUT. WE'VE GOT AMYSTERY TO SOLVE.DUDETHE ONLY MYSTERY HERE IS WHY WE TAKEOUR CU OM A DICK A NECKERCHIEF!GUYKEEP UP, BEATNIK! I'LL FEED YOUTO THE FUCKG DOG!BEAUTY(VERG HER EARS;SHRIEKG)I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!JAYYO!THE GANG LOOK TO JAY AND BOB.JAYYOE GUYS NEED TO TURN THOSE OWNSUPSI DOWN! AND WE GOT JT THETHG FOR THAT.(PULLS OUT A BAG OFJOTS)WE LL THEM DOOBIE SNAX.INT. VAN--WEED VISIONAS JAY AND BOB TOKE UP, WE GO ALL SLO-MO AND 70'S EAKY(WH THE IMAGE SEEMG TO SWIM). THROUGH THEIR STONED HAZE,WE SEE OLD-SCHOOL WCH, SKELETONS, AND GHOULS SWIRLGABOUT THEIR HEADS--THE LATTER OF WHICH GETS HIS MASK TAKENOFF TO REVEAL A MAN SI A STUME.JAY AND BOB LOOK AT THE GANG, THEN TAKE A H OFF THEIR JOTAND LOOK BACK. SUDNLY, THE GANG'S ENGAGED TOTALBCHERY: THE DU RIS THE WDSHIELD WHILE THE GUYCKL SANELY, BLDFOLD BY HIS NECKERCHIEF. BOOKISHAND BETY ARE THEIR UNRWEAR, MAKG OUT WH EACH OTHER.THE GREAT DANE LOOKS AT JAY AND BOB AND SAYS--GREAT DANERI, RAY RAND RIRENT ROBTHE GREAT DANE ROLLS OVER, REVEALG S RED THING STICKGWAY OUT OF S SHEATH. IT'S MONSTRO. JAY AND BOB GO WI-EYED.JAYLOOK AT HIS FUCK' LIPSTICK!!! HE'SGOT A STONER-BONER!!!JAY AND BOB SE AND PASS OUT.WE CUT BACK TO THE GANG, WHO NOW APPEAR AS THEY DID PRR TOWEED-VISN. THEY STARE AT THE O.C. JAY AND BOB.BEAUTYI THK THEY PASSED OUT.GUYGREAT. WHAT DO WE DO WH THEM NOW?DUDELET'S CUT OUT THEIR KIDNEYS TO SELLON THE BLACK MARKET AND LEAVE THEM A SEEDY MOTEL BATHTUB FULL OFICE.BOOKISHOH GOD, NOT AGA?INT. SEEDY MOTEL BATHROOM--NIGHTJAY LI A BATHTUB FULL OF ICE, SCREAMG. THERE'S A SRON HIS BACK.EXT. KANSAS CITY PARK--DAYJAY WAK UP SUDNLY, SCREAMG. HE STARTL BOB AWAKE ASWELL, AS HE CLUTCHED AT THIS BACK LIFTG HIS SHIRT TO SEETHE SR. IT'S NOT THERE.JAYHOLY SH, I HAD A HORRIBLE DREAM.(LOOKS AROUND)YO, I'M HUNGRY. WHERE N WE GETSOME BREAKFAST?BOB LOOKS AROUND, AND THEN LOCKS ON SOMETHG O.C. HE POTS,AND JAY LOOKS, S WILY, AND NODS.EXT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--DAYAN ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE FAST FOOD EATERY, AS JAY AND BOBENTER.INT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--SAMEAS THE PAIR HEAD FOR THE UNTER, JAY NOTIC A PUBLICINTERNET TERMINAL. HE TUGS AT SILENT BOB'S ARM.JAYYO--CHECK THAT SH OUT: THE INTER.LET'S SEE IF THOSE FUCKS SAIDSOMETHG NEW ABOUT AND THAT STUPIDFLICK.BOB SHGS, HEADG FOR THE TERMAL. HE SERTS A DOLLARAND TYP, FOLLOWG UP WH A MOE CLICK. THE PAIR LOOKAT THE SCREEN AND GO WI-EYED.JAY"ANY MOVIE BASED ON JAY AND SILENTBOB IS GONNA LICK BALLS, BEETHEY BOTH, FACT, LICK BALLS. NAMELYEACH OTHER'S."JAY AND SILENT BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, WI-EYED.JAYEWW.(READG FURTHER)"Y--THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE. REALSTUPID PEOPLE. SIGNED, DARTH RANDAL."(TO BOB)MOTHERFUCKER! IT'S TIME WE WROTOMETHG BACK! TYPE THIS SH DOWN.SILENT BOB STARTS TYPG AS JAY DICTAT.JAYALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GONNA PAY.YOU ARE THE ON WHO ARE THE BALL-LICKERS. WE'RE GONNA FUCK YOURMOTHERS WHOLE YOU WATCH AND CRY LIKELTLE BCH. ONCE WE GET TOHOLLYWOOD AND FD THOSE MIRAMAXFUCKS WHO ARE MAKG THE MOVIE, WE'REGONNA MAKE 'EM EAT OUR SH, THENSH OUR SH, THEN EAT THEIR SHWHICH IS MA OF OUR SH THAT WEMA 'EM EAT. THEN ALL YOUMOTHERFUCKERS ARE NEXT. LOVE, JAYAND SILENT BOB.SILENT BOB FISH TYPG AND PRS "RETURN". HE AND JAYNOD AT EACH OTHER, THEN HEAD OVER TO THE UNTER LE, LOOKGUP AT THE MENU BOARD.JAYTHAT'LL FUCKG SHOW 'EM. NOW WE EATOUR EGGA-MOOBY-MUFFS, THEN GETBACK ON THE ROAD, GET TO HOLLYWOOD,AND STOP THAT FUCKG MOVIE OMGETTG MA. NO MORE HAIRY-BHNUNS, NO MORE DOGS. WE KEEP OUR EYEON THE PRIZE, AND NOT LET NOTHG--AND I MEAN NOTHING--DISTRACT ME.AS JAY FISH SPEAKG, HE LOOKS TO THE O.C. DOORS ANDEEZ. A GEO GIRL WALKS THROUGH THE ONT DOORS, ALL SLO-MO TO THE TUNE OF PRCE'S THE MOST BETIFUL GIRL THE WORLD. SHE'S BATHED LIGHT, GLOWG.SHE BATS HER EYELASH, GLIDG TOWARD .JAY IS MOUTH-AGAPE WI EYED. SILENT BOB LOOKS AT HIM, THENAT THE HE SLOWLY WAV HIS HAND ONT OF JAY'SEY, GETTG ZERO RPONSE.JAY'S POVTHE GIRL S AT . HIS POV GO OM HER FACE, DOWN TOHER BREASTS, THEN DOWN TO HER CROTCH.JAY MOV PAST SILENT BOB AND MEETS THE GIRL THE MIDDLEOF THE FLOOR. HE EMBRAC HER AND LANDS A LONG, SWEET KISSON HER MOUTH. AFTER A BEAT, HE STARTS FUMBLG LIKE A TEENAGERTO GET TO SEND BASE UNR HER SHIRT, TOTALLY NGOWH THE MIC. THE GIRL KDLY TRI TO TER HIM.BUT 'S JT A FANTASY. JAY'S STILL STANDG THERE NEXT TOSILENT BOB, BUT HE IS SPORTG A HUGE BONER. SILENT BOB ROLLSHIS EY. HE GRABS A SODA CUP OFF THE UNTER AND STICKS OVER JAY'S BONER, JT AS THE GIRL JOS THEM LE. SH AT THE ZOMBIFIED JAY.GIRL(OFF CUP)OH MY GOD. DO YOU GET EE REFILLSWH THAT?JAYOH, WHAT--THIS? I JT WEAR THIS FORPROTECTN. YOU KNOW--SO NO GUYS TRYTO GRAB MY SH.GIRLHI. I'M JTICE.JAY(DREAY)AND I AM SO FUCKG YOURS--SILENT BOB POK JAY, WHO SHAK OF HIS DAZE.JAYI MEAN HI. I'M JAY. AND THIS IS MYHERETO LIFE-MATE, SILENT BOB.JUSTICEIT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.JAYJTICE, HUNH? THAT'S A NICE NAME.(UNR HIS BREATH, TOBOB)JAY'N'JTICE, STG A TREE. F-U-C-K-I-N-G--(BACK TO JTICE)SO YOU E HERE OFTEN?JUSTICEOH, I'M NOT OM AROUND HERE. MYIENDS AND I ARE TAKG A ROAD TRIP,AND WE JT STOPPED TO GRAB SOMETHGTO EAT.JAYYOUR IENDS, HUNH? WHERE THEY AT?JUSTICE(POTG)OUT THERE. BY THAT VAN.JAY AND BOB LOOK PAST JTICE TO SEE A VAN WH THREE OTHERGEO GIRLS STRETCHG OUTSI OF , THROWG THEIR HAIRAROUND, LOOKG CREDIBLY SEXY.WHOUT LOOKG AT SILENT BOB, JAY QUIETLY SAYS TO HIM--JAYDU--I THK I JT FILLED THE CUP.INT. VAN--DAYJAY AND BOB CLIMB TO THE N, GETTG ODD LOOKS OM THEOTHER GIRLS, JTICE FOLLOWS THEM , TOSSG THE FAST FOODTO HER IENDS.JAYLADI, LADI, LADI! JAY AND SILENTBOB ARE THE HIZZ-OE!!!SISSYWHO THE FUCK ARE THE GUYS?JUSTICETHIS IS JAY AND SILENT BOB.(TO JAY AND BOB)GUYS, THIS IS SISSY, MISSY, ANDCHRISSY.CHRISSYWHERE THE FUCK DID THEY E OM?JUSTICEI MET 'EM SI. THEY'RE GONNA HCHA RI.SISSYI DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S SUCH A GREATIA. JSY.JAYSURE IS, JUGGS.MISSYOH MY GOD--HE JT LLED SISSY"JUGGS"!CHRISSYI'M ON .CHRISSY LUNG TOWARD JAY, PULLG A KNIFE.JUSTICECHRISSY, NO!SISSY STOPS CHRISSY, SHOVG A BURGER TO HER HANDS.SISSYWE'RE THE MIDDLE OF SUBURBIA,CHRISSY. LET'S TRY TO ACT LIKE .CHRISSY}.AND WHAT-STUPID ASS LTLE FOUL-MOUTHED BCH-BOYS DON'T GET THEIRBALLS CUT OFF SUBURBIA?JAY(OBLIV)WHAT'S WH THE KNIFE? WE HAVGKE OR SOMETHG?CHRISSYHOLY SH--HE'S RETARD, TO BOOT.JAY(TO SILENT BOB)YO--SHE LLED YOU RETARD.SISSY(TO JTICE)WHAT'S WRONG WH YOU, JTICE? YOUDO REMEMBER WHERE WE'RE GOG, DON'TYOU?MISSYTHAT WE DO HAVE A JOB TO DO?JUSTICETHEY'RE JT GONNA TAG ALONG FOR AFEW . THEY WON'T GET THEWAY, I PROMISE.(CUTY)PLEASE?SISSYFE--THEY N RI WH . BUTTHEY'RE SO OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE GETTO BOULR.JUSTICEHONT INJUN.CHRISSY"HONT INJUN"?(TO SISSY)I N'T BELIEVE WHAT A PHOVER YOUARE.JAYAND I N'T BELIEVE FE-ASS BCHLIKE YOURSELV EAT THAT SH. DON'TYOU KNOW FAST FOOD MAK GIRLS FART?SUDNLY, JAY AND BOB ARE PARTED BY BRENT, WHO'S GETTGTO THE VAN.BRENTSAY--WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUTFARTG?SISSY, MISSY, AND CHRISSY IMMEDIATELY GO OM DISGTED TOSWEET AND AIRY, TOTALLY SWCHG CHARACTERS.SISSY/CHRISSY/MISSYHI BRENT!SISSYTHIS IS BRENT. HE'S WH , TOO.CHRISSYBRENT, TELL THE SILLI THAT GIRLSDON'T FART.BRENTOF URSE THEY DON'T! ONLY SKEEVYSTONERS FART.THE VERY WHE BRENT PUTS HIS HAND OUT TO BE SLAPPED BY JAYAND SILENT BOB.BRENTWHAT UP, HOMI?(OFF THE GIRLS)WOW, THREE GUYS, FOUR GIRLS--(TO JAY AND BOB)WHAT'S THE UNT BOYS?JAY AND BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND ROLL THEIR EY.EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE VAN DRIV DOWN THE ROAD. WE HEAR SGG OM SI.INT. VAN--DAYBRENT STMS A GUAR AND SGS, AS THE GIRLS AND JAY ANDBOB LISTEN, ROLLG EY.BRENTHEY THERE MISTER SCIENCE-GUY. DON'TSPRAY THAT AEROSOL MY EYE. FOR IDON'T REALLY WANT TO DIE. I'M A NOBLERABB!JAYWHAT'RE YOU GUYS, LIKE A VER BANDOR SOMETHG?SISSYWE'RE THE KANSAS STATE CHAPTER OFS.A.A.C.--STUNTS AGAST ANIMALCELTY.CHRISSYAND WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO COLORADO TOGIVE PROVASIK A PIECE OF OUR MDS!EVERYONE LETS OUT A WHOOP, EXCEPT JAY AND BOB.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BCH BABBLGABOUT?BRENTHEY! WATCH THE LANGUAGE LTLE BOY.THERE ARE FEMAL PRENT.JAY AND SILENT BOB EYEBALL BRENT, UNTIL JTICE DISTRACTSTHEM.JUSTICEPROVASIK PHARMACTILS IS A MEDILLAB WHERE THEY PERFORM GROSSEXPERIMENTS ON ANIMALS.JAYSO, WHAT KD OF ANIMALS ARE WETALKG ABOUT HERE--LIKE BEARS ANDRHOS?BRENTNO--MORE LIKE RABBS, DOGS, TS...HECK, EVEN MONKEYS, IF WE DON'T SPEAKFOR THEM, WHO WILL?(TOUCH JTICE'SARM)RIGHT, JSY?JAY SE THIS AND HIS EY FLARE OVER THE PETN. AFTERA BEAT, HE RELAX.JAYHEY, UH--BRENT? CAN I TALK TO YOUOVER HERE FOR A SEND?BRENT JOS JAY, STMMG HIS GUAR. JAY ADDRS HIMNFINTIALLY.JAYBE HONT, YO--YOU'RE DOWN WH THISFOR THE FE-ASS PSY, RIGHT?BRENTI'M DOWN WH THIS BEE I LOVEANIMALS, STUPID.JAYEVEN SHEEP?BRENTOF URSE. SHEEP ARE BETIFULCREATUR.JAYTHEY ARE BETIFUL, AREN'T THEY?BRENTOH GOD, Y.JAYSO THEN YOU'D FUCK A SHEEP?BRENTWHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE LTLE BOY? YOU'VEGOT A SICK AND TWISTED WORLDPERSPECTIVE.JAYNO, YOU MISUNRSTAND ME, PRCEVALIANT. I MEAN IF YOU WERE ANOTHERSHEEP. WOULD YOU FUCK A SHEEP IFYOU WERE ANOTHER SHEEP?BRENTI--SUPPOSE SO.JAYTHAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.(SUDNLY LOUDLY, TOALL)YO! THIS MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T ONE OFUS! HE JUST SAID HE'D FUCK A SHEEP!EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE SI DOOR OF THE VAN SLIS OPEN AND BRENT GETS HURLEDOUT OF THE MOVG VEHICLE. JAY THROWS HIS GUAR AT HIM ASWELL, YELLG AND FLIPPG THE BIRD AS THE VAN DRIV OFF.JAYYA DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!!!EXT. HIGHWAY--LATERTHE VAN DRIV DOWN THE ROAD.INT. VAN--SAMEMISSY DRIV. SISSY SS THE PASSENGER SEAT. CHRISSY KNEELSBETWEEN THEM.CHRISSYWHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?SISSYSHUT UP, I'M THKG.IN THE BACK, JTICE STUDI SOME BLUEPRTS. JAY JOS HER,AND SHE QUICKLY FOLDS THEM UP.JAYIS HOLLYWOOD NEAR WHERE WE'RE GOG?JUSTICEIS THAT WHERE YOU GUYS ARE OM?JAYCH'YEAH, RIGHT. JERSEY REPRENT!JUSTICEOH, A JERSEY BOY. WHAT BRGS YOUALL THE WAY OUT HERE?JAYWELL, WE ULDN'T HANG ONT OFTHE QUICK STOP NO MORE, 'E OFTHE STRAEN-EN ORR, WHICH SUCKSASS 'E 'S BEEN LIKE OUR HOMCE WE WERE KIDS. SILENT BOB EVENBTED HIS CHERRY THERE.JUSTICE(TO BOB)YOU DID? I'LL BET SHE WAS A LUCKYGIRL.BOB BLH, JAY DON'T LIKE THAT JTICE'S ATTENTN HASSTRAYED.JAYLOOK, FUCK THAT FAT FUCK--I'M TRYGTO TELL A STORY HERE.JUSTICESORRY.JAYANYWAY, WE WERE TALKG TO BRODIEAND HE SAID THERE'S GONNA BE ABLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC MOVIE. SO WEWENT TO SEE HOLN MCNEIL, AND HHOWED THE INTER, AND THAT'SWHERE WE FOUND ALL THE FUCKGLTLE JERKOFFS WERE SAYG SHABOUT . SO WE CID TO GO TOHOLLYWOOD AND STOP THE MOVIE OMGETTG MA. AND NOW WE'RE HERE.JUSTICEWOW. I HAVE NO IA WHAT YOU JTSAID.JAYYEAH, I GET THAT A LOT. SO YOU LIKEANIMALS, HUH?JUSTICESURE.JAYTHAT'S OL. EVEN SNAK?JUSTICEYOU N'T EXCLU AN ANIMAL JTBEE 'S NOT CUDDLY. OF URSE ILIKE SNAK.JAYHOW ABOUT TROER SNAK?JUSTICEWHAT'S A TROER SNAKE?JT THEN, A LTLE JAY DEVIL APPEARS ON JAY'S LEFT SHOULR.JAY DEVIL(TO JAY)WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAG FOR?SHE WENT FOR THE SETUP! REACH YOUR FUCKG PANTS, AND PULL YERCK OUT, BCH! THAT'S THE KDASH GIRLS LIKE!SUDNLY ANOTHER LTLE JAY DEVIL APPEARS JAY'S RIGHTSHOULR.JAY DEVIL 2RIGHT ABOUT HERE'S WHERE THE ANGEL'SSUPPOSED TO SHOW UP AND TELL YOU NOTTO PULL YOUR DICK OUT. BUT WE BCH-SLAPPED THAT LTLE FUCK AND SENTHIM PACKG, SO 'S SMOOTH SAILG.LET 'ER RIP, BOY!THEY DISAPPEAR LTLE PUFFS OF SMOKE AND JAY SHOV HISHAND DOWN HIS PANTS, GETTG READY TO WHIP OUT HIS DICK,WHEN SUDNLY A LTLE JAY ANGEL APPEARS ON HIS SHOULR,BBG A SWOLLEN JAW.JAY ANGELSORRY I'M LATE. SO WHAT'S THE ALHERE?(LOOKS DOWN)OH, SH--YOU'RE NOT THKG OFWHIPPG YOUR DICK OUT AT THIS FEPIECE OF WOMAN, ARE YOU?JAY THKS, THEN NODS "Y." THE JAY ANGEL ROLLS HIS EY,AND SLAPS HIM.JAY ANGELTELL YOU WHAT: LOOK AT SILENT BOB.SEE IF HE THKS 'S A GOOD IA TOWHIP YOUR DICK OUT.JAY LOOKS TO SILENT BOB. SILENT BOB LOOKS OM JAY'S HAND HIS PANTS TO JAY AND SHAK HIS HEAD "NO," STERNLY. JAYWHDRAWS HIS HAND OM HIS PANTS. THE JAY ANGEL NODS,SATISFIED.JAY ANGELTHAT'S , BOY--PUT THE DICK DOWN.YOU GOTTA GO OM THE HEART, YO. NOLTLE PERV BULLSH WILL DO FORTHIS ONE. BE SMOOTH. BE DON JUAN LA NOOTCH. NOW I GOTTA GO BEAT THH OUT OF TWO SUCKERPUNCHG LTLEBCH. REMEMBER--DON'T PULL YOURDICK OUT UNTIL SHE ASKS YOU TO.(BEAT)OR UNTIL SHE SLEEPG. BUNNNNGGG!THE JAY ANGEL BLKS AWAY. JTICELOOKS AT JAY, A B NFED.JAYDON'T ASK.(BEAT)SO, UH--WHAT N A PIMP-DADDY LIKEME DO TO HELP THE ANIMALS?JUSTICEYOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HELP --JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKG ABOUT?SURE I DO. I'D DO ANYTHG FOR YOU.JTICE S. JAY TRI TO REVER.JAYI MEAN, YOE GUYS! I'D DO ANYTHGFOR YOE GUYS. FOR THE LIFT ANDSH.JUSTICEYOU SURE?JAYSURE, I'M SURE. I SAID , DIDN'T I.FUCKJUSTICEWELL--OKAY. LET ME TALK OVER WHTHE OTHER GIRLS AND GET BACK TO YOU.JAYYOU DO THAT.JAY TAK JTICE'S HAND AND KISS .JAYI'LL BE RIGHT HERE.HE WKS AT HER, S AND MOV TO THE OTHER SI OF THEN, NEAR SILENT BOB. HE'S STILL SG AT JTICE ANDWKG WHEN HE LOOKS TO SILENT BOB WHO STAR AT HIM BLANKLY,THEN IMAT JAY'S HAND-KISSG BACK AT HIM, JAY SWLS.JAYFUCK YOU. FATTY.EXT. CONVENIENCE STORY--DAYTHE VAN PULLS UP AND ALL PILE OUT, STRETCHG. THE GIRLSHEAD TOWARD THE STORE. JTICE LLS OVER TO JAY AND SILENTBOB.JUSTICEYOU GUYS WANT ANYTHG OM SI?JAYNO, WE'RE OL, THANKS HON.JTICE S AND HEADS SI. JAY AND SILENT BOB STUDYTHE ONT OF THE FOREIGN NVENIENCE STORE. THEY LOOK FOR APLACE TO LEAN, TRY A FEW SPOTS OUT, THEN SETTLE TO ONE.AFTER A BEAT--JAYIT JT A'T THE SAME, IS ? THISPLACE LICKS BALLS PARED TO QUICKSTOP.SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD "YEAH."JAYAND SPEAKG OF LICKG BALLS--HOW'BOUT THAT JTICE CHICK? SHE IS TOOFE. AND SHE SMELLS SO FUCKGPRETTY. SHE'S GOT A NICE VOICE, TOO.AND THAT BODY? SMOKG. YOU KNOW,SHE NEVER ONCE SAID "FUCK OFF," WHENI WAS TALKG TO HER, OR PULLED OUTTHE PEPPER SPRAY, OR NOTHG. I TELLYA, LUNCHBOX--SHE ULD BE THE ONE.INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYJTICE IS AT THE MICROWAVE WHEN SHE'S SUDNLY SURROUNDBY THE OTHER GIRLS.MISSYSMOOTH MOVE, JTICE.CHRISSY(SLAPPG JTICPSI THE HEAD)NICE GOG, FOUR EY!JUSTICEOW!SISSYWHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THAT LTLTONER THROW BRENT OUR OF THE VAN?!JUSTICEOH PLEASE--IF I HAD TO LISTEN TO ONEMORE OF THOSE STUPID SONGS, I WASGOG TO THROW HIM OUT MYSELF.SISSYWE NEED BRENT, JTICE! HE WAS OURPATSY!JUSTICEWE'LL FD SOMEONE ELSE. BIS, IDIDN'T SEE YOU TRYG TO STOP JAYOM THROWG HIM OUT.SISSYBEE I DIDN'T WANT TO BLOW OURVER!JUSTICECOVER, SHMOVER--YOU ALL HATED HISSONGS, TOO.CHRISSYNOT AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU.JTICE OFFERS CHRISSY A LD GLANCE,CHRISSYFUCK, IF I DON'T GET TO KILL SOMEONOON, I'M GONNA--FUCKG KILL SOMEONE!SISSY(BBG CHRISSY'SSHOULRS)DON'T MD CHRISSY. SHE'S JT ALTLE TOO WOUND FOR SOUND.CHRISSYTHEN HOW ABOUT YOU HELP ME TAKE THEEDGE OFF?CHRISSY GRABS MISSY FORCEFULLY AND THE PAIR MAKE OUT, HOTAND HEAVY THE MIDDLE OF THE NVENIENCE STORE. OTHERCTOMERS REGARD THEM WI-EYED.JUSTICE(TO CTOMERS)THEY'RE REALLY GOOD IENDS.SISSY(TO CHRISSY AND MISSY)WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK OFF? WE'RE THE FUCKG HEARTLAND HERE! TRY TOBLEND!JUSTICETHEY ALREADY DO--SHE'S THE KMAID,AND SHE'S THE W.CHRISSYOH, I'M A W, AM I? I'M A MAD W,BCH. AND NOW I'M GONNA RIP YOURHEAD OFF AND FUCK YOUR SPE STUMP.SISSYENOUGH!(LM TO JTICE)WE HAVE A VERY SIMPLE GANG HERE,JTICE. I'M THE BRAS, CHRISSY'STHE BRAWN, AND MISSY'S THE TECH-GIRL.BUT LATELY, I'M HAVG A HARD TIMEFIGURG OUT WHAT YOU'RE DOG HERE.JUSTICETHAT MAK TWO OF .CHRISSYSH--YOUR NAME DON'T EVEN F THERHYME SCHEME.JUSTICETHAT'S BEE VERY FEW NAM RHYMEWH "DOUCHEBAG."CHRISSY(GETTG HER FACE)YOU'RE DANCG ON MY LAST NERVE,STRAWBERRY SHORTKE.(TO SISSY)YOU AL WH THE WEAK LK. I'MGONNA TAKE MISSY TO THE DIRTYNVENIENCE STORE BATHROOM AND HATE-FUCK THE SH OUT OF HER.CHRISSY DRAGS MISSY OFF. JTICE AND SISSY WATCH THEM GO.JUSTICEAND YOU SAID LETTG THEM READ ALLTHAT ANAIS N WOULDN'T AMOUNT TOANYTHG.SISSYDON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. YOU KNOWWHAT YOU HAVE TO DO NOW, RIGHT? SCEYOU LET OUR PATSY SLIP AWAY, YOU'VEGOTTA NVCE THE LTLE KID ANDTHAT FAT GUY TO TAKE HIS PLACE.THEY'VE GOTTA BREAK TO PROVASIKNOW.JUSTICEUH-UH!SISSYUH-HUH. YOU'LL DO ; OR YOU'RE OUTOF THIS GANG. JT E THE LTLEONE'S CSH TO NVCE HIM, SCEHE'S SO FUCKG LOVE WH YOU.JUSTICEJAY? NO HE'S NOT.SISSYWHAT--AM I BLD? HE WASN'T KISSGYOUR HAND BACK THE VAN LIKE HEWAS FUCKG LORD BYRON?JUSTICEWELL, MAYBE HE WAS JT RAISED WHMANNERS.EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYA GIRL WALKS PAST JAY AND BOB, HEADG OUT OF THE STORE.JAY(TO EXED GIRL)YO, BABY! YOU EVER HAVE YOUR ASSHOLELICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN OVERCOAT?!(TO BOB)YEAH.INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYSISSY NTU TO NONT JTICE.SISSYYOU'RE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT THE KID, JSY. SO YOU'VE GOTTA MAKEAMENDS.JUSTICEJAY IS NOT TAKG BRENT'S PLACE ASTHE PATSY.SISSYTHAT KID AND HIS QUE IEND AREOUR ONLY OPTNS AT THIS POT. NOWWE GOT ABOUT TWO HOURS BEFORE WE GETTO BOULR. THAT GIV YOU PLENTY OFOF TIME TO WORK ON HIM.JUSTICEI'M NOT GONNA DO .SISSYWHY THE FUCK NOT?JUSTICEBEE HE'S JT TO SO NOCENT!JTICE LOOKS OUT THE WDOW AND S, SEEG JAY DANCGALONGSI BOB.JUSTICELOOK AT HIM--EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAMEJAY'S DANCG STILL, BUT NOW WE HEAR WHAT HE'S SINGING TOSILENT BOB.JAYI'M GONNA FGER-FUCK HER TIGHT LTLEASSHOLE! FGER-BANG AND TEA-BANG MYBALLS-- HER MOUTH! WHERE? WHERE?IN HER MOUTH--BALLS-A-PLENTY HERMOUTH! BALLS, BALLS, SWEATY BALLS--INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAMESISSY EYEBALLS JTICE, WHO'S STILL LOOKG OUT AT JAY.SISSYWHO'S GOG TO BE, JSY--HIM OS?JTICE LOOKS AT SISSY. SISSY NODS AT HER. JTICE LOOKSBACK OUT AT JAY.INT. VAN--DAYJTICE TALKS TO JAY AND SILENT BOB.JAYSTEAL A MONKEY? SH--NO PROBLEM.JUSTICEIT'S NOT REALLY STEALG--'SLIBERATG , AND--(FALLY HEARS HIM)WA A SEND--DID YOU SAY, "NOPROBLEM"?JAYYEAH, FUCK--WE STEAL MONKEYS ALL THETIME.(TO BOB)RIGHT, LUNCHBOX?SILENT BOB GLAR AT JAY.JUSTICEIT'S NOT LIKE 'S A BAD THG. IT'SFOR A GOOD E.JAYOH, FOR THE BT E, MON CHERI--(TAK HER HAND)THE E OF LOVE.(KISS HER HAND,THEN RELEAS)SNOOGANS--JUSTICEWHAT THE HECK IS THAT?JAYWHAT'S WHAT?JUSTICE"SNOOGANS," I BELIEVE WAS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THK MEANS?IT MEANS "I'M KIDDG."JUSTICEOHHH. WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.SHE S AT JAY, TOUCH HIS CH AND HEADS TO THE ONTOF THE VAN. JAY PLAYS OL UNTIL SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT, THENHUMPS SILENT BOB'S LEG LIKE A DOG.JAY(SGG)I N'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA GET SOMEPSY FOR STEALG A MONKEY!(SPEAKG)IF I'D KNOWN WAS THAT EASY, I'D'VEBEEN STEALG MONKEYS SCE I WASLIKE SEVEN AND SH.JAY LOOKS AT SILENT BOB, WHO CLEARLY DISAPPROV.JAYDON'T, MOTHERFUCKER. DON'T YOU THIS FOR ME. ME AND JTICE ARE GONNAGET MARRIED ONE DAY, SO DON'T BEGIVG ME THAT "WE-A'T-STEALG-NO-MONKEY" LOOK. I'M MORRIS DAY; YOU'REJEROME, BCH. DON'T FET THAT.THAT GIRL? THAT GIRL'S LOVE WHME.UP ONT, JTICE TALKS TO SISSY, WHILE MISSY DRIV.JUSTICETHEY'RE GONNA DO .SISSYGOOD. THEY DO THEIR PART--(PATS A VIO MERA)AND WE'LL DO OURS.JTICE EY SISSY, THEN SLUMPS HER SEAT.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTTHE VAN ROLLS UP ACROSS THE STREET OM THE PROVASIK LABS,PARKG ONT OF ANOTHER LARGE BUILDG.INT. VAN--SAMEJAY AND SILENT BOB GET OUT, ALONG WH JTICE. THEY WEARNJA MASKS. MISSY AND CHRISSY FOLLOW.JUSTICEREMEMBER--WE MEET BACK HERE WHENYOU'RE DONE. YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAYWH THIS?JAYAS SURE AS I AM THAT YOU'RE THEHOTTT BCH I EVER SEEN.CHRISSY LUNG AT JAY, MISSY HOLDS HER BACK, DRAGGG CHRISSYAWAY.JAYWHAT'S TWISTG THAT BCH'S TS?JUSTICEMAYBE 'S BEE WOMEN DON'T LIKETO BE LLED "BCH," JAY.JAYTHEY DON'T? WELL HOW 'BOUT "PIECE OFASS"?JUSTICEHOW ABOUT NOT.JAYWELL, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TOLL YOU, THEN?JUSTICESOMETHG SWEET, YOU BIG GOOF.SOMETHG NICE.JAY(THKS; THEN)BOO-BOO KTY FUCK.JUSTICE(LGHG)OKAY. THAT'S A START.SISSY JUMPS OUT OF THE VAN, HOLDG THE VIO MERA, AIMG AT JAY AND BOB.SISSYJAY, BEFORE YOU GO, ULD YOU SAYSOMETHG TO THE MERA ABOUT THECLORIS.JAYWHAT?JUSTICE(TO SISSY)MAN YOU ARE SUCH A BCH--SISSY(OFF JTICE; TO JAY)SHE'S JT A LTLE EMBARRASSED.SEE, JSY AND I ARE PUTTG TOGETHERTHIS DOCUMENTARY FOR OUR HUMANSEXUALY CLASS, AND WE NEED A MALEPERSPECTIVE ON THE CLORIS.JAYTHE FEMALE CLORIS?SISSYUH--YEAH.JUSTICEJAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.SHE ELBOWS SISSY.JAYNAH, 'S OL, HON. THERE'S A FEWTHGS I N SAY ABOUT THE CL THATI'S LIKE YOU TO HEAR.(CLEARS THROAT; TOMERA)I AM THE MASTER OF THE CL! I MAKETHAT SH WORK! IT DO WHAT EVERTHE FUCK I TELL TO DO! NO ONEL THE CL LIKE ME!(OFF SILENT BOB)NOT THIS LTLE FUCK! NONE OF YOULTLE FUCKS OUT THERE! I AM THECL MANR!!! REMEMBER THAT--MANR OF ALL CLS!JAY PROCEEDS TO MAKE SOME PSY-EATG FAC. JTICE SHAKHER HEAD AT SISSY, WHO SNAPS THE MERA CLOSED AND S.SISSYAWOME. KNOCK 'EM AD, TIGER.SISSY CLIMBS BACK TO THE VAN.JAY(TO JTICE)SO--N I GET A LTLE KISS FOR GOODLUCK?JTICE S AT JAY, THEN KISS HIM SWEETLY ON THE LIPS.JAYSO--N I GET A LTLE BLOW JOB FOOD LUCK?JTICE S AND PULLS JAY'S MASK DOWN. HE HEADS OFF,REVEALG SILENT BOB BEHD HIM, LIPS PUCKERED, HANDG MIDAIR. JAY REACHED BACK TO THE AME, PULLG BOB OUT.JTICE WATCH THEM GO.SISSYJSY. C'MON.JTICE CLIMBS BACK TO THE VAN.INT. VAN--SAMEJTICE SS, GLARG AT SISSY.SISSYHEY, LOVER-GIRL. YOU CK-BLOCK MYTHORY AGA, YOU LOSE YOUR FUCKGONTS, YOU GOT THAT?JUSTICEY, SIR.SISSY TAK THE TAPE OUT OF THE MERA AND HANDS OFF TOMISSY, BI WHOM IS A BAG FULL OF HIGH-TECH EQUIPMENT.SISSYPHASE ONE, DOWN. WHILE WE'RE EXECUTGPHASE TWO, YOU ED THAT TAPE ANDGRAB A NEW R.MISSYNO SWEAT.SISSYLET'S SU UP.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTJAY AND SILENT BOB TUCK-AND-ROLL ACROSS THE ONT LAWN,STOPPG AT THE BUILDG. SILENT BOB PULLS A GRAPPLING GUNOUT OF HIS AT. HE FIR TO THE AIR AS JAY QUICKLYGIV THE "METAL" SIGN, AND THE PAIR ARE LIFTED OUT-OF-AME.INT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTIT'S AD QUIET AND STILL. THEN, THE PAIR SMASH THROUGH AWDOW, LANDG THE FLOOR A BALL. THEY LIFT THEIR NJAHOODS. JAY GLAR AT SILENT BOB.JAYYOU FAT FUCK--INT. VAN--NIGHTMISSY PEERS THROUGH BOCULARS OUT THE WDOW.SISSYTHEY ?MISSYYOU N SAY THAT.SISSYTIME TO SHE. LET'S GO.EXT. VAN--NIGHTTHE QUARTET PIL OUT OF THE VAN, AND WE GET OUR FIRST LOOKAT THEM: SEXILY GEARED UP FOR ACTN, WEARG ALL BLACK.THEY HEAD FOR A SEPARATE BUILDING. STOPPG AT THE ONTDOOR.SISSY GTUR ELABORATELY TO MISSY, AND MISSY GTURELABORATELY BACK, RACG AWAY TO THE NIGHT. JTICE OFFERSSISSY A LOOK.JUSTICEYOU ARE SO GAY.CHRISSY STICKS A BOX ON THE DOOR AND PRS A BUTTON. ON ADIGAL READOUT, NUMBERS ROLL UNTIL THEY STOP ON FOURDIFFERENT DIGS. THE DOOR LOCK CLICKS OPEN.SISSYONCE WE'RE SI, I WANT PLETILENCE.(HOLDG UP HIGH-TECHVICE)MISSY WHIPPED THIS UP. IT UNTS OURCIBEL LEVEL. IF GO TO THERED--ALARM, WE'RE AD. SO NOT EVENTHE SLIGHTT NOISE, GOT ?JTICE BLOWS HER OFF. SISSY ENTERS THE BUILDG, FOLLOWEDCLOSELY BY CHRISSY. JTICE LGERS AT THE DOOR, TAKG ONELAST LOOK BACK AT THE PROVASIK BUILDG, ETTG FOR JAYAND BOB.SISSY(POK HER HEAD BACKOUT)JTICE! MOVE YOUR ASS!JTICE HEADS SI. WE PAN UP TO REVEAL A SIGN THAT READS:BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE.INT. PROVASIK TESTING ROOM--NIGHTJAY AND BOB STAND THERE, LOOKG AROUND THE ROOM.IT'S L WH G, ALL OF WHICH NTA SAD-LOOKGANIMALS. A TEAR FORMS SILENT BOB'S EYE. JAY ROLLS HISEY AND HS HIM.JAYSTAY OSTY, YOU BIG FUCKG SOFTIE.WE'VE GOT A JOB TO DO.SILENT BOB NODS AND CLICKS ON A FLASHLIGHT. THE PAIR WATHROUGH THE G. JAY STOPS AT AN EMERGENCY BOX HANGG ONTHE WALL. INSI , THERE'S A PISTOL.JAYCHECK THIS OUT, LUNCHBOX. ANIMALTRANQUILIZER. THIS SH FUCKS YOU UPLIKE PERCETS!JAY ELBOWS THE GLASS, BREAKG . HE TAK THE GUN OUT ANDTOSS TO BOB.JAYHOLD THIS. LATER, ME AND JTICE NSHOOT EACH OTHER WH AND FUCKLIKE STONED TT BUNNI. BUNNGGG.SILENT BOB ROLLS HE EY AND STICKS THE GUN HIS AT. THEPAIR LOOK THROUGH THE G, UNTIL HEAR THE DISTCT SOUNDOF A MONKEY. JAY DIRECTS SILENT BOB'S FLASHLIGHT TO THE GEOM WHERE THE SOUND EMTED. HE S.JAY(READG)"SUZANNE." BOO-YAH.INT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHTTHE THREE GIRLS STAND AT THE END OF A LARGE HALLWAY. AT THEOTHER END IS A GLASS SE, FULL OF DIAMONDS.SISSY PULLS AND AEROSOL N OM HER UTILY BELT AND SPRAYSTHE AIR THE HALLWAY. SHE WATCH THE CIBEL MONOR,WHICH RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY AT THE SOUND OF THE SPRAY. SUDNLY,WH THE MIST, LASER BEAMS BEE APPARENT.SISSY HANDS THE CIBEL MONOR TO CHRISSY AND TAK A FEWSTEPS BACK, SHAKG HER HANDS TO LIMBER UP. SHE THEN NSFORWARD AND DO AN IMPRSIVE SERI OF FLIPS DOWN THEHALLWAY, NOT TOUCHG A SGLE LASER BEAM.CHRISSY CHECKS THE CIBEL MONOR, WHICH RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY.ONCE SISSY'S FLIPPG TO A STOP AT THE OTHER END OFTHE HALLWAY NEAR THE DIAMOND SE, SHE MAK A HAND GTURETO JTICE. JTICE NODS, AND PROCEEDS TO DO THE SAME SERIOF FLIPS DOWN THE HALLWAY, NOT TRIPPG THE ALARM.CHRISSY CHECKS THE CIBEL MONOR, WHICH RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY.JTICE LANDS BI SISSY, AND THEN SISSY GTUR TOCHRISSY.CHRISSY TOSS THE CIBEL MONOR OVER THE LASER BEAMS,SISSY TCH , AND THE MONOR RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY.THEN, CHRISSY PROCEEDS WH HER SERI OF FLIPS, WHICH AREEVEN MORE IMPRSIVE THAN THE OTHER TWO, CLUDG NNGUP WALLS AND PHG TO HANDSTAND FLIPS. WHEN SHE PASSTHE LAST LASER BEAM, SHE LANDS BETWEEN SISSY AND JTICE,ARMS THE AIR LIKE A GYMNAST. THEN, SHE LETS OUT A LOUD,MANLY FART.THE CIBEL MONOR GO RED AND AN ALARM STARTS RINGINGTHROUGH THE BUILDG.CHRISSYHOLY FUCK--THE LTLE STONER WASRIGHT--SISSY SHUTTERS THE GLASS SURROUNDG THE DIAMONDS. SHE OURSTHEM TO A BAG, AND RAC BACK DOWN THE HALLWAY, FOLLOWEDBY JTICE AND CHRISSY.EXT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHTTHE GIRLS EMERGE OM THE DIAMOND EXCHANGE, JT AS MISSYPULLS UP A CONVERTIBLE.CHRISSYBOOM BOX!MISSY TOSS A METAL BOX TO CHRISSY, WHO TCH AND RACTOWARD THE VAN, WHILE SISSY AND JTICE PILE TO THENVERTIBLE.SISSYI N'T BELIEVE . MONTHS OF PLANNGAND 'S ALL BLOWN BY A FUCKG FART.JUSTICEWE N'T JT LEAVE THEM LIKE THIS!THAT ALARM'S GONNA BRG THE PSHERE ANY MUTE!SISSYTHAT WAS ALWAYS THE PLAN, JTICE!THEY TAKE THE HEAT OFF OF IS LONGENOUGH UNTIL WE N GET OUT OF TOWN!CHRISSY ATTACH THE METAL BOX TO THE SI OF THE VAN.CHRISSYKABOOM, YOU LTLE STONER FUCKS.THE GIRLS PULL UP THE NVERTIBLE AND CHRISSY JUMPS TOTHE R WH THEM.CHRISSYIT'S SET. LET'S ROLL.THE NVERTIBLE SCREECH AWAY, LEAVG THE N STG THERE.THE METAL HAS MAGILLY ATTACHED TO THE SI IS UNTGDOWN OM TWO MUT.INT. PROVASIK TESTING LAB--NIGHTJAY AND BOB RRY A LARGE NVAS BAG BETWEEN THEM. SOMETHGSEEMS TO MOVE SI . THE HEAD FOR THE EX, BUT SILENTBOB HAT, OFFERG A SAD LOOK TO THE ANIMALS ALL THEG. JAY HS HIM.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKG AT?THERE A'T NO SNACKS HERE, MAN! NOWWE GOT WHAT WE ME FOR, SO LET'SGET THE FUCK OUT!SILENT BOB HALF-GTUR TO THE G, FORLORN. JAY SHAKHIS HEAD TRATED.JAYYEAH, 'S SAD! BUT WHAT THE FUCKARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT ?SILENT BOB OFFERS JAY A LOOK.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTTHE ONT DOORS BURST OPEN, SPILLG OUT JAY, SILENT BOB(RRYG THEIR BAG), AND HUNDREDS OF ANIMALS--TS, DOGS,BIRDS, RABBS. ALL RACE OFF TO THE NIGHT.JAY AND BOB RACE TOWARD THE VAN. JAY SCREAMS AT .JUSTICEJUSTICE! OPEN THE DOORS!SUDNLY, JAY AND BOB STOP AD THEIR TRACKS.JAYOH SH--THREE COP CARS SCREECH UP, THE VAN BETWEEN THEM AND JAY ANDBOB. THE COPS LEAP OUT OF THEIR CISERS, GUNS DRAWN. JAYLOOKS TO BOB, PISSEDCOPDROP THE BAG! BEFORE THIS THING TURNSEXPLOSIVE!THE UNTER ON THE VICE ATTACHED TO THE VAN HS "0," ANDTHE VAN BLOWS UP. JAY AND BOB GET THROWN BACKWARDS ONEDIRECTN, THE COPS THE OTHER. ON ALL FOURS, JAY LOOKSAT THE BURNG SHELL OF THE VAN, A TEAR FORMG HIS EYE.JAYJTICE--WE CRANE UP OM HIM AS HE BELLOWS--JAYJUUUSSSTTTTIIIICCCCEEEE!!!!!!SILENT BOB GRABS JAY AND DRAGS HIM OUT OF AME, STILLRRYG THE BAG.EXT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAYWE START ON A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT READS: FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL, COLORADO FIELD OFFICE, THEN PULL BACK TO SEE A DEPUTYOPENG THE DOOR AND HEADG SI.INT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAYTHE DEPUTY ENTERS JT AS A FAX IS G THROUGH AT ANOPERATNS BOARD. HE RIPS OFF, READG . HIS EY GOWI.DEPUTYOH, FUDGE...(LLG OFF)MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY!INT. BATHROOM--SAMEMARSHAL WILLENHOLLY SS ON THE BOWL, STARG AT FOUR LEGGEDLAW-MAN MAGAZE, EYEG LTILY. BELOW AME, HE JERKSOFF.WILLENHOLLYYEAH, YOU CHUG THAT ASS-CK BABY--IT TAK TWO HANDS TO HOLD DON'T--? UHHH--AS HE CLIMAX, A GANGG AT THE DOOR DISPTS HIM.WILLENHOLLYWHAT?! WHAT?! I'M READING!DEPUTY (O.S.)SIR, WE GOT A REPORT OF A BREAK-AT PROVASIK PHARMACTILS' TTGLAB.WILLENHOLLY EMERG OM THE BATHROOM, HOLDG THE MAGAZE.THERE'S A MASSIVE WET SPOT ON THE ONT OF HIS PANTS.WILLENHOLLYHAVE YOU READ THIS ARTICLE ON THEMULE-SUCKERS TIJUANA? GOOD GOD, IWISH THAT WAS OUR JURISDICTN--I'D SHUT DOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSEASS-CK CHUGGERS, PERSONALLY.THE DEPUTY LOOKS AT THE STA ON WILLENHOLLY'S PANTS, THENAT WILLENHOLLY.WILLENHOLLYWHAT? "ASS" MEANS "DONKEY."DEPUTYY, SIR.(HANDS HIM A FAX)WILLENHOLLY(LOOKS AT FAX)BOULR, HUNH? WELL, GAS UP THE JET.DEPUTYWE DON'T HAVE A JET, SIR. ANDBOULR'S ONLY TEN MUT AWAY.WILLENHOLLYTHEN GAS UP THE NEXT BT THG.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--DAYTHERE ARE FIRE TRUCKS ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW. THE BURNED OUTVAN IS BEG POURED OVER BY COPS. JT THEN, WILLENHOLLYPULLS UP ON A MOPED. HE PARKS AND SURVEYS THE WRECKAGE.WILLENHOLLYMY, OH MY, OH MY. WHO LET THE TSOUT?(THKS)WA--IS THAT RIGHT?COP 1 (O.S.)EXCE ME--WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?WILLENHOLLY RIPS DOWN THE VELCRO PATCH ON HIS JACKET,REVEALG A BADGE.WILLENHOLLYFERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL. THISVTIGATN IS NOW UNR MYJURISDICTN.COP 1OH REALLY? AND WHY IS THAT?WILLENHOLLYBEE SOMEONE LET A WHOLE MS OFANIMALS OUT OF THEIR G, SIR.COP 1WELL, WE BELIEVE THAT WAS JT ADIVERSNARY TACTIC ED TO LLATTENTN AWAY OM THE REAL HEISTOVER HERE AT THE DIAMOND EXCHANGE.WILLENHOLLYYEAH, RIGHT. THAT'S A BELIEVABLCENAR. IT SOUNDS MORE LIKOMETHG OUT OF A BAD MOVIE.WILLENHOLLY AND THE COP LOOK AT THE MERA. THEN, ANOTHERCOP JOS THEM.COP 2SIR, THE PROVASIK PEOPLE SAY THEY'VEROUND ALL THEIR ANIMALS UP, EXCEPTFOR ONE: AN ORANGUTAN.WILLENHOLLYLISTEN UP, LADI AND GENTLEMEN! OURFUGIVE HAS BEEN ON THE N FOR 6HOURS! AVERAGE SIMIAN FOOT SPEEDOVER UNEVEN GROUND--BARRG JURIOR PREOCCUPATN WH TIRE TUB,M OR BANANAS--IS FOUR ANHOUR. THAT GIV A RADI OF TWENTY.COP 3(LLG OUT OMCROWD)TWENTY-FOUR, SIR!WILLENHOLLYWHAT?COP 3SIX HOURS TIM FOUR AN HOURIS TWENTY-FOUR.WILLENHOLLY(DOG THE MATH HIS HEAD)Y. Y, YOU'RE RIGHT. MY BAD. TWENTY-FOUR . NOW WHAT I WANT OUT OFALL OF YOU IS A HARD TARGET SEARCH.COP 4EXCE ME, SIR?WILLENHOLLYYEAH?COP 4WHAT DO THAT MEAN, EXACTLY--A "HARDTARGET SEARCH"? WHAT'S A "HARDTARGET"?WILLENHOLLYWELL. IT'S--A TARGET--THAT'S--HARD.ANYWAY--COP 4SO ARE YOU REFERRG TO THE SEARCH'SLEVEL OF DIFFICULTY? OR IS THE HARDTARGET THE MONKEY?COP 3OR THE PEOPLE WHO STOLE THE MONKEY?THE COPS NOW CHATTER AMONGST THEMSELV, TO THE EFFECT OF"YEAH--IT ULD MEAN THAT TOO--HE'S GOT A POT--,"ETC.WILLENHOLLY BS HIS TEMPL.WILLENHOLLYOKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? WHAT I WANTOUT OF ALL OF YOU IS A THOROUGH SEARCHOF EVERY GAS STATN, RINCE,WAREHOE, FARMHOE, HENHOE,OUTHOE, AND DOGHOE THAT AREA!CHECKPOTS GO UP AT FIFTEEN !COP 1WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE TO PUT THEMUP AT EVERY TWENTY-FOUR --SEEGAS THAT'S HOW FAR THEY'D HAVE GOTTEN THE LAST SIX HOURS?THEY BEG CHATTERG AMONGST THEMSELV AGA. WILLENHOLLYLOOKS AT THEM ALL, FEATED. HE STARTS TO CRY.WILLENHOLLYTHIS IS SO TRATG. IT'S JT SOHARD SOMETIM--(YELLG)YOUR FUGITIVE'S NAME IS SUZANNE! GOFIND HER!ANOTHER COP JOS WILLENHOLLY, RRYG A LARGE, FAT ENVELOPE.COP 5SIR, THIS WAS JT LIVERED TO THTATN.WILLENHOLLYWHAT IS ?COP 5IT'S A TAPE OM THE TERRORISTS WHO'RECLAIMG CRED FOR THE BREAK-.WILLENHOLLYIS VHS OR BETA? YOU KNOW WHAT--NEVER MD. DO YOU HAVE A VCR?INT. OFFICE--DAYWILLENHOLLY AND THE COPS STARE AT THE O.C. TV, SHOCKED, ASTHE VIO ENDS.WILLENHOLLYOH MY GOD--(WHOUT LOOKG UP)HAVE THE JET GASSED UP AND READY TOGO AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE.COPSIR, WE DON'T HAVE A JET; JT AHELIPTER.WILLENHOLLY(DIALG HIS CELLPHONE)DON'T ANYBODY HAVE A JET ANYMORE?(TO CELL PHONE)PLAFSKY? IT IS WILLENHOLLY. YOU GOTTAGET ME ON THE NATNAL NEWS, PRONTO.WHY?! BEE WE MAY VERY WELL BEALG WH THE TWO MOST DANGEROMEN ON THE PLA!EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB S CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, STARG AT--SUZANNE (THE ORANGUTAN)--WHO SS ON A LOG ACROSS OM THEM,STARG BACK.JAYTHIS IS JSY'S MONKEY(TO SUZANNE, ANGRILY)JUSTICE DIED FOR YOU, YOU MONKEYFUCK!SUZANNE VERS HER EY WH HER HANDS SUDNLY. JAY ANDSILENT BOB, STARTLE, WH JAY LEAPG BEHD SILENT BOB ANDPULLG BACK AS IF HE'S GOG TO STRIKE.JAY(TO SILENT BOB)DO SOMETHG. TONS OF FUN!SILENT BOB OFFERS THE APE A WEAK WAVE. SUZANNE DROPS HERHANDS OM HER FACE AND WAV BACK. JAY CRAN HIS NECK TOSEE OVER SILENT BOB.JAYIS THAT FUCKG THG WAVG AT ?SUZANNE NODS. JAY STEPS OUT OM BEHD BOB. THEY STATE ATTHE APE.JAYHOLY SH? THAT MONKEY UNRSTOOD! MAYBE 'S SOME SORT OF SUPER-MONKEY!SUZANNE OFFER THEM A "RASPBERRY." SPTG AS IF THE MENTWAS RIDICULO. JAY AND SILENT BOB REACT WH SURPRISE ATTHIS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR? IT'S NOTA STUPID IA! I SEEN CONGO?SUZANNE HOLDS HER NOSE, AS IF TO SAY, "CONGO STUNK." SILENTBOB S AGREEMENT AND AMEMENT. JAY LOOKS AT HIM,STUNG.JAYYOU'RE MY BCH. YOU GET MY BACK.DON'T GO JOG THIS CHIMP'S SI.JAY LOOKS AROUND THE WOODS, FORMULATG A THOUGHT. SILENTBOB MOV TOWARD THE APE, EXTENDG HIS HAND TO SHAKE HERS.JAYYO--WHAT IF THERE'S MORE SUPER MONKEYSUP THE LAB? MAYBE THEY'RE MAKGAN ARMY OF 'EM UP THERE! HOLY SH!MAYBE 'S A NSPIRACY--LIKE ON THEX-FIL ROSWELL--STYLE!JAY'S DELUSION: WE ENTER TO JAY'S HEAD AND SEE--INT. LAB--DAYWE PAN OVER OM A CHIMP A CHEMIST'S AT MEASURG LIQUIDS A PAIR OF BEAKERS TO A CHIMP AT A DRAFTG TABLE SKETCHGBLUEPRTS FOR AN SID WAR MACHE. AN ORANGUTAN SHAKHANDS WH A GROUP OF FIVE WELL-DRSED MEN, ONE OF WHICHLOOKS LIKE THE CIGARETTE SMOKG MAN OM THE X-FIL.JAY (V.O.)WORKG SECRET WH A CREW OFDOUBLE-ALG, NITE-FIENDGFUCKS THAT'RE SELLG OUT THE HUMANRACE, THE SUPERMONKEYS WILL IMIAN SCIENCE AND THEIR GENI IQ'STO MAKE MAN AND MONKEY ALIKE BELIEVETHAT THEY'RE THE SUPERR SPECI!EXT. BALCONY--DAYA MONKEY DRSED LIKE MSOLI ADDRS A HUGE CROWD OFAP, WHO WAVE FISTS THE AIR.JAY (V.O.)THEN ALL 'LL TAKE IS ONE LTLEMONKEY A SPIFFY SU TO WHIP THMBER CHIMPS TO A ENZY, UNTILTHEY GO ALL APE-SH AND STARTMANDG MORE BANANAS, BETTER PAY,AND HUMAN FLH!EXT. FIELD--DAYRANDAL LEADS A PACK OF HUMANS RACG THROUGH A RNFIELD,AND IS SHOT THE NECK. HE LLAPS, REVEALG A GORILLAON HORSEBACK HOLDG A RIFLE. TWO OTHER GORILLAS THROW A OVER HIM.JAY (V.O.)YOU'LL HAVE TO BE FASTER THAN WALTFLANAGAN'S DOG TO OUTN THE WARRRGORILLAS, WHO HUNT HUMANS FOR SPORT,PROF, AND THE OCSNAL TER-SPECI BLOW-JOB. AND IF YOU DON'TWD UP WH A MONKEY HOG YOURMOUTH, YOU'LL BE PTURED, KILLED ORWORSE...INT. LAB--DAYCORNELI AND ZERA-LOOKG CHIMPS DISSECT THE BRA OF ALIVG, SCREAMG, DANTE.JAY (V.O.)EATEN ALIVE!EXT. QUICK STOP--DAYTHE QUICK STOP IS OVERN BY V A JUNGLE LIKEATMOSPHERE. MONKEYS EX THE STORE RRYG BUNCH OFBANANAS. THE SIGN NOW READS: APE STOPJAY (V.O.)THEN THE MONKEY FUCKS'LL STARTWEARG OUR CLOTH AND REBUILDGTHE WORLD THEIR IMAGE.EXT. BEACH--DAYWE START ON A FULL SHOT OF JAY ON THE BEACH, LOOKG UP,THEN SNAP ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL JAY KNEELG BEFORE THE BEACHBURIED STATUE OF LIBERTY, SCREAMG, HIS ARMS RAISED.JAY (V.O.)AND ONLY THOSE WHO OUTW THOSE DAMNDIRTY AP'LL EVER REMEMBER THAT WAS MAN WHO ONCE LED THE EARTH!JAY(AT STATUE)YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUSE!!! GODDAMNYOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!WE DISSOLVE FROM THIS IMAGE TO:EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAYANOTHER CLOSE-UP OF JAY'S PATED FACE. BEHD HIM, SUZANNEAND SILENT BOB ARE PLAYG PATTY-KE. JAY EY SUZANNEANGRILY.JAYNOT ON MY WATCH, MOTHERFUCKER!JAY TURNS AND SH SUZANNE, FEROCLY.JAYDIE, YOU SUPER-MONKEY FUCK! DIE!!!JAY TRIPS ON A ROOT POKG OUT OF THE GROUND AND HS THEDIRT. SUZANNE THEN GO OVER TO JAY, PULLS HIS FACE TO HERS,AND KISS HIM ON THE LIPS.JAYALRIGHT--YOU N LIVE. FOR NOW.SILENT BOB HELPS JAY TO HIS FEET.JAYYOU SEE THAT? BCH LOVE ME.(HEADG OFF)BIS--WE'RE THE FUCKG CLEAR,YO. IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE KNOWS WTOLE THE MONKEY.INT. TV NEWS STATION--DAYAN ANCHORMAN ADDRS THE MERA.ANCHORMANI'M REG HARTNER AND THIS IS A NEWSNOW BULLET. A PROVASIK ANIMALTTG FACILY BOULR WAS THEFOC OF AN ATTACK BY A TERRORISTICPRIMATE RCUE SYNDITE LLGTHEMSELV THE COALN FORLIBERATN OF ITERANT TREE-DWELLERS.OR SIMPLY, C.L.I.T.A GRAPHIC OF THE C.L.I.T. LOGO APPEARS BI HIM, NAILGHOME THE JOKE.ANCHORMANIN A VIOTAPE SENT TO THORITHIS MORNG, CRED FOR THELIBERATN OF AN ORANGUTAN OM THELAB LAST NIGHT IS TAKEN BY THE MEN--A VIDEO CAPTURE OF JAY AND SILENT BOB OM PRE-BREAK--APPEARS ON SCREEN.ANCHORMAN--INTIFIED LERATURE THATACPANI THE TAPE AS JAY AND SILENTBOB. IN THIS CHILLG CLIP, THEYMAKE VERY CLEAR THAT THEY ARE NTROL OF THE C.L.I.T.ON SCREEN IS THE C.L.I.T. LOGO. A DIGIZED VOICE NARRAT.DIGITIZED VOICEWE ARE THE C.L.I.T. NONE OF YOU ARAFE. NOW TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHTOF OUR MERCILS LEAR.THE LOGO GIV WAY TO THE VIO OF JAY AND BOB THAT SISSYSHOT BEFORE THE PROVASIK BREAK-. JAY'S YELLG TO THEMERA.JAYI AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!!!COMG OUT OF THE VIO FOOTAGE, THE ANCHORMAN SHAK HISHEAD, CHILLED.ANCHORMANTERRIFYG. HERE TO HELP UNRSTANDTHIS FOOTAGE IS FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL WILLENHOLLY.PULL OUT TO REVEAL WILLENHOLLY BI THE ANCHORMAN.ANCHORMANMARSHAL, WHAT N YOU TELL ABOUTTHE C.L.I.T.?WILLENHOLLYFROM THE TELLIGENCE WE'VE BEENABLE TO GATHER, WE'VE DISVEREDTHAT THE C.L.I.T. IS A TY OFFSHOOTOF THE L.A.B.I.A.ANCHORMANTHE LIBERATE AP BEFORE IMPRISONGAP MOVEMENT.WILLENHOLLYEXACTLY. THE MEN YOU SAW THE VIOARE BELIEVED TO BE THE MASTERMDSRPONSIBLE FOR THE ENZIED C.L.I.T.ACTIVY LAST NIGHT. THEY GO BY THEOBV NAM "JAY" AND "SILENTBOB."(TO MERA)IF YOU SHOULD E ACROSS THEM ORANY OTHER C.L.I.T.-I, PLEASE--EXERCISE EXTREME UTN.INT. POTZEK'S INC. OFFICE--NIGHTON THE TV SCREEN IS WILLENHOLLY AND THE VIO PTURE OF JAYAND SILENT BOB. HOLN LOOKS UP OM HIS DRAWG TABLE,SHOCKED.ANCHORMAN (O.S.)(OM TV)MARSHAL, HOW DO YOU RPOND TOALLEGATNS THAT FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL'S OFFICE ALLOWED THE C.L.I.T.TO SLIP THROUGH THEIR FGERS?WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)NONSENSE. WE'RE ALL OVER THE C.L.I.T.,REG.HOLDEN(SHAK HIS HEAD)NIGHTS LIKE THIS, I MISS DATG ALBIAN.INT. QUICK STOP--NIGHTFROM BEHD THE REGISTER, DANTE AND RANDAL STARE AT THE TV,SLACK-JAWED.ANCHORMAN (O.S.)(OM TV)IS THERE ALSO SPECULATN THAT JAYAND SILENT BOB MAY BE RPONSIBLEFOR THE DIAMOND EXCHANGE JEWEL HEISTTHAT OCCURRED THE SAME VICYOF DOWNTOWN BOULR LAST NIGHT?WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)THERE'S NOTHG TO SUGGT THAT, NO.BUT THE MEN ARE STILL TO BENSIRED VERY DANGERO.RANDAL(TO DANTE)I TOLD YOU THAT RTRAG ORRWAS A GOOD IA.EXT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOMS--SAMEON THE SEND-FLOOR TERRACE OF A N-DOWN, ROADSI MOTEL,SISSY, MISSY AND CHRISSY DANCE THEIR UNDI AND DRKCHAMPAGNE. ON THE FIRST FLOOR TERRACE BELOW, JTICE LEANSAGAST THE OPEN SLIDG GLASS DOOR, WATCHG THE NEWS REPORTON A TV SI THE ROOM WH THE VOLUME TURNED WAY UP.ANCHORMAN(ON TV)IS THAT YOUR CELL PHONE?WILLENHOLLY(ON TV)Y, EXCE ME.(ON TV, TO CELLPHONE)FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL. I'M ON MYWAY!(SHUTS PHONE; TOANCHORMAN)WE GOT 'EM. THEY'RE UTAH.(TO MERA)CIZENS OF UTAH--STEER CLEAR OF THEC.L.I.T. STIMULATN OF THE C.L.I.T.IS NOT REMEND.JTICE TURNS THE TV OFF AND YELLS UP TO SISSY.JUSTICEYOUR TAPE WORKED. THE NEWS IS ALLABOUT JAY AND SILENT BOB'S PROVASIKBREAK-, WH ALMOST NO MENTN OFTHE DIAMOND HEIST.SISSY(YELLG DOWN TOJTICE)I TOLD YOU THOSE TWO WERE THE PERFECTPATSI. NOW WE LAY LOW FOR AWHILE--JT SE--AND START PLANNG THENEXT JOB.JUSTICEDON'T YOU FEEL ANY REGRET? JAY ANDBOB DON'T SERVE THIS. THEY WEREREALLY SWEET.CHRISSYTHE ONLY THG I REGRET IS NOT GUTTGTHAT LTLE TROUT-MOUTHED PRICK LIKEA FISH AND PLAYG TWISTER WH HISVALS.MISSYYOU ARE SO NASTY.CHRISSYI'LL SHOW YOU NASTY, YOU LTLE SLUT.SISSYWOULD YOU TWO GET A ROOM?CHRISSYFE--WE'LL TAKE YOURS.(GETTG UP SISSY'SFACE)I AM GONNA STA YOUR SHEETS, BI-OTCH.CHRISSY DANC AWAY WH MISSY, HEADG SI. SISSY ROLLSHER EY.SISSYSARAH LAWRENCE GIRLS. GO FIGURE.JUSTICETHEY'RE YOUR GANG.SISSYOH AND NOT YOURS? YOU KNOW, I DON'TGET YOU, JTICE. YOU ED TO BE ALLABOUT THE GIRL STUFF: STEALG,BONG, BLOWG SH UP. NOW YOU'RELIKE THIS LTLE PRISS WH ANSCIENCE. IT'S REALLY A FUCKGDRAG.JUSTICEWE ALL GOTTA GROW UP SOME TIME.SISSYIF MOPG AROUND OVER SOME LTLEBOY YOU'RE CSHG ON IS BEG GROWN-UP, THEN PASS ME MY WONR WOMANUNROOS.JUSTICEDON'T YOU FEEL THE LEAST B OF GUILTFOR WHAT WE DID TO THOSE GUYS?SISSYAWWW. DO JSY-WSY FEEL ALL DIRTYABOUT SETTG UP HER BOYIEND? THENHOW ABOUT TAKG A SHOWER?SISSY DUMPS THE BAG OF DIAMONDS OVER THE SI OF THE TERRACE.THEY RA DOWN ON JTICE BELOW. JT THEN A PIZZA DELIVERYGUY APPROACH THE LOWER TERRACE, RRYG A STACK OF PIZZAS.PIZZA DELIVERY GUYYOU THE GALS THAT ORRED THE PIZZAS?SISSYTHIS DOPEY BCH ORRED THE LARGEPLA, BUT I ULD GO FOR SOME HOT,THICK, SICILIAN.PIZZA DELIVERY GUYNO CHARGE, LADY. HE SH TO THEMOTEL, JTICE SIGHS, LOOKG UP ATTHE STARS.JUSTICE(QUIETLY)I'M SORRY, JAY.INT. DINER--DAYJAY, SILENT BOB, AND SUZANNE S AT A BOOTH, EATG. JAYCHEWS A BURGER WHILE SILENT BOB EATS PANK AND SUZANNEDIGS TO A BANANA SPL.JAYYOU KNOW, JTICE DIED TRYG TOSAVE THIS MONKEY, SO MAYBE WE SHOULDKEEP HER AROUND. THAT WAY, WE NHONOR HER MEMORY.SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE ARE OBLIV, DIGGG TO THEIRFOOD.JAYLOOK AT YOU TUBBY BCH. I'M WAXGALL SENTIMENTAL, AND YOU'RE ALL ABOUTA FUCKG MEAL AND SH. NOW A'TYOU GLAD WE STOPPED TO EAT? AND YOUWERE ALL PISS-SRED THE PS'D BT OR SOMETHG. YOU KNOW WHAT ISAY?(SGG, A LA NWA)VOICE (O.S.)(VIA BULLHORN)THIS IS THE UTAH STATE POLICE! WEKNOW YOU'RE IN THERE COME OUT WITHYOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, AND SURRENDERTHE ORANGUTAN!JAY AND BOB EEZE AND GO WILD-EYED FOR A BEAT. THEN--JAYYOU THK THEY'RE TALKG TO ?EXT. DINER--DAYTHERE'S A FEW COP CARS OUTSI, AND THE SHERIFF IS YELLGAT THE DER THROUGH HIS BULLHORN. BI HIM ARE THE OTHERCOPS.SHERIFFYOU HAVE SIXTY SECONDS TO COMPLY.(TO OTHER COPS)FUCK , LET'S GIVE 'EM THIRTY.SUDNLY WILLENHOLLY SH UP, DRAMATILLY DUCKG BEHDTHE R, GUN DRAWN.SHERIFFTHE APE.WILLENHOLLYWHAT?SHERIFFAN ORANGUTAN'S A MEMBER OF THE GREATAPE FAY. IT'S NOT A MONKEY.WILLENHOLLYLOOK, WHO'S THE FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL HERE?(TO BULLHORN)JAY AND SILENT BOB, THIS IS FEDERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY! YOURC.L.I.T. DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE.SURRENDER THE MONKEY IMMEDIATELY,AND YOU WON'T GET SHOT!INT. DINER--DAYJAY, SUZANNE, AND SILENT BOB PEER OVER THE TOP OF THEIR BOOTH,LIKE SRED RATS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAG FOR?GO OUT THERE AND GIVE 'EM THE MONKEY.SILENT BOB LOOKS TO JAY, SHOCKED.JAYOH, WHAT, MAN? I SAID THAT SH BEFOREI KNEW THEY WERE GONNA SHOOT !Y--JSY WAS A HOTTIE, BUT I A'TTAK' NO BULLET FOR NO MONKEY!BOB PULLS SUZANNE CLOSE TO HIM, WELLG UP WH TEARS. JAYROLLS HIS EY.JAYOH, BROTHER--THIS IS LIKE SOMETHGOUT OF FUCKG BENJI! LOOK MAN, MAYBE'S NOT THAT BAD BACK AT THE LAB!MAYBE THEY EXPERIMENT ON 'EM BY,LIKE MAKG 'EM FUCK A BUNCH OFDIFFERENT, GOOD-LOOKG MONKEYS. WEDON'T KNOW! MAYBE THEY GOT REALSWEET!SUZANNE SHAK HER HEAD "NO." BOB POTS TO HER, AS IF SHE'SSTRENGTHENG HIS POT.JAY(TO SUZANNE)YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, YOU WEEPY LTLECHIMP!(LOOKS AROUND THKG)FUCK MAN, I A'T NO STRATEGIST!YOU'RE THE GUY THAT MAK THEBLUEPRTS! I DON'T EVEN HAVE THEFUCKG SMARTS OF A LTLE--JAY'S EY FALL ON A SRED FAMILY A NEARBY BOOTH. THERE'SA LTLE KID (AROUND FIVE OR SO), AND HE'S WEARG A HOODSWEATSHIRT AND A BASEBALL P.JAY--KIDEXT. DINER--DAYWILLENHOLLY'S ON THE BULLHORN, YELLG AT THE DER. THESHERIFF LOOKS ON.WILLENHOLLYANYONE NOT HARBORING A FUGITIVE MONKEYBETTER HIT THE DECK! WE'RE GOING TOOPEN FIRE!(TO PS)EVERYONE HAS BULLETS THEIR GUNS,RIGHT?JAY AND SILENT BOB EMERGE OM THE DER, WH SUZANNE BETWEENTHEM (THEY'RE HOLDG HER RAISED HANDS). SHE'S NOW DRSP THE SWEATSHIRT AND JEANS THE KID WAS WEARG THEDER, WH THE BASEBALL P PULLED DOWN OVER HER FACE.IT'S A PRETTY PISS-POOR DISGUISE.JAYDON'T SHOOT! WE'RE JT TRYG TOTAKE OUR SON OUT OF THIS HOSTILEENVIRONMENT!FROM BEHD THE P R, THE SHERIFF LOOKS TO WILLENHOLLY.SHERIFFTHEIR "SON"?WILLENHOLLYMAYBE THEY'RE ONE OF THOSE GAYUPL?JAY SEIZ ON THE IA. SILENT BOB NODS FERVENTLY.JAYYEAH! WE'RE GAY! AND THIS IS OURADOPTED LOVE CHILD! WE'RE NOT OMAROUND HERE! DON'T MAKE GO BACKTO OUR LIBERAL CY HOME WH A TALOF PREJUDICE AND BIGOTRY THE HEARTOF UTAH!(WHISPERS TO BOB)YOU SEE THE SH I GOTTA PUT UP WHFOR YOU! NOW I GOT THIS GUY THKGI'M GAY!WILLENHOLLYOH GOD, THIS IS THE LAST THG INEED--A BUNCH OF UPPY HOMOSEXUALSSHOOTG THEIR MOUTH OFF THELIBERAL PRS THAT THE FERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE PERSECUTGAYS.SHERIFFARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY! THOSE TWO MAYBE GAY, BUT THAT AIN'T THEIR SON!THAT'S THE APE!WILLENHOLLYYOU SEE THIS BADGE? I THK I'DREGNIZE AN APE IF I SAW ONE. ANDTHE ONLY THG I DO REGNIZE HEREIS A POLIL FIAS I'M, GOG TOAVOID BY LETTG THIS BUTT-FUCKGBRADY BUNCH GO!JAY IS WHISPERG TO SILENT BOB, STILL VEXED BY--JAYAND I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THG:WHAT IF THAT GUY SHOWS UP AROUND THTOR ONE DAY AND STARTS TELLGEVERYBODY YOU AND ME ARE POO-GILISTS?HOW ARE WE GONNA GET ANY PSY THEN,HUNH?WILLENHOLLY (V.O.)YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE, SIRS!JAY AND SILENT BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHOCKED. THEY LOOKBACK OUT AT WILLENHOLLY, WHO'S YARDS AWAY. JAY POTS ATHIMSELF, AS IF TO SAY, "ME?"WILLENHOLLY(VIA BULLHORN)YES, YOU, SIRS.JAY(LLG OVER)SO WE N JT GO?WILLENHOLLY(VIA BULLHORN)Y, SIR--OR MA'AM. PLEASE ACCEPT MYAPOLOGI FOR TAG YOU AND YOUNORTHODOX-BUT-NSTUTNALLY-PROTECTED-FAY UN.SHERIFF(AMAZED)UN-FUCKG BELIEVABLE.JAYI'D LIKE TO OFFER A BIG GAY THANK-YOU, SIR. WE'LL TELL ALL OUR GAYIENDS THAT UTAH IS GAY IENDLYUNTRY FOR GAYS WHO ARE GAY.WILLENHOLLYI'M SURE UTAH APPRECIAT THAT. YOUMIGHT ALSO WANT TO MAKE CLEARTHAT THE FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'SOFFICE IS ALSO PRO-'MO AS WELL.(WKS AT THE SHERIFF)AND MIGHT I ADD, THAT'S ONE FE-LOOKG BOY YOU'RE RAISG.JAYWELL, THAT'S 'CUZ HE'S OM MY SPERM.SEE, I KNOCKED UP A HOT WOMAN IENDOF OURS WHO I ALSO FUCK ON THE SI.SO AS NOT TO BE ALL-THE-WAY-GAY. BUTMY TUBBY HBAND HERE IS ONE HUNDREDPERCENT QUEER. HE LOV THE CK.WILLENHOLLYHE CERTALY LOOKS SATIABLE.JAY'BYEWILLENHOLLY'BYEJAY, SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE HEAD OFF DOWN THE ROAD.WILLENHOLLY AND ALL WATCH THEM GO. THE SHERIFF IS LIVID.WILLENHOLLYWELL, 'S NOT MY WAY--BUT DAMNED IFTHERE DON'T GO ONE HAPPY FAY.(BALLOON TWO)NOW, WE JT SHOOT SOME TEAR GASTO THAT DER, AND WHEN THE TWOGUYS N OUT WH THE MONKEY, WE'LL--WILLENHOLLY SUDNLY EEZ, THKG. HE LOOKS TO THESHERIFF.WILLENHOLLYTHAT WAS THE THEM, WASN'T ?EXT. ROAD--DAYJAY, SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE ARE LGHG.JAYI SAID YOU "LOVE THE CK"! I GOTTABE THE CRAFTIT MOTHERFUCKER ALIVE!GUNSHOTS RING OUT, AND BULLETS WHIZ BY THE TR, WHO ARE NOW FULL PANIC MO.WILLENHOLLY AND THE COPS RACE AFTER THEM, FIRG.JAY, BOB AND SUZANNE RACE AWAY, DUCKG BULLETS.JAYFLEE, FAT-ASS, FLEE!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYTHE TR RACE ACROSS WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BRIDGE (BUT ISN'T),SHOTS STILL RGG OUT. JAY SPOTS A MANHOLE. HE POTS AT, SCREAMG.JAYHEAD FOR THE SEWERS!SILENT BOB POPS THE VER OFF, WH BULLETS RICHETG ALLAROUND THEM, JAY LEAPS TO THE MANHOLE.INT. SEWER TUNNELJAY LANDS A SEWER TUNNEL (LIKE THE FUGIVE). SUZANNELANDS ON TOP OF HIM.JAYTAKE YOUR STKG PAWS OFF ME, YOUDAMN DIRTY APE!(YELLG UP)YO LUNCHBOX! HURRY UP!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYBULLETS HTG THE PAVEMENT AROUND HIM, SILENT BOB DIVTO THE SEWER GRATE AS WELL, BUT--INT. SEWER TUNNELSILENT BOB GETS STUCK. JAY ROLLS HIS EY.JAYYOU FAT FUCK.SILENT BOB STGGL WHILE JAY AND SUZANNE TRY TO PULL HIMTHROUGH THE HOLE.JAYYOU JT--HAD TO--ORR PANK--DIDN'T YA?EXT. DAM ROAD--SAMECLOSER ON THE NNG WILLENHOLLY AND SHERIFF.WILLENHOLLYFIRE A WARNG SHOT TO THAT BULBOASS!SHERIFFONE RECTAL BREACH, G UP!INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMEJAY AND SUZANNE PULL WH ALL THEIR MIGHT. BOB STRAS.JAYSUCK IT IN! THINK THIN! THINK THIN!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--SAMETIGHT ON THE SHERIFF, AS HE SQUTS TO AIM.SHERIFFOPEN UP AND SAY "AHHHHH," YOU STONERSUMBCH--INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMETIGHT ON SILENT BOB BELLOWG.SILENT BOBAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYTHE SHERIFF'S GUN FIR.INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMEJAY AND SUZANNE FALL BACKWARDS, AS SILENT BOB POPS THROUGH.JAYINCOMING!!!SILENT BOBAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!SUZANNEOOOOOOOOO!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYTHE BULLET RICHETS OFF THE CURB, AS SILENT BOB'S FEET SLIPTHROUGH.INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMEJAY, SILENT BOB, AND SUZANNE ARE VAR STAT OFLLAPSE. JAY AND BOB LOOK UP AT THE HOLE.JAYJT LIKE WNIE-THE-POOH.EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYWILLENHOLLY AND THE SHERIFF ARRIVE AT THE MANHOLE.WILLENHOLLYWOW! THAT WAS AN CREDIBLY DARGPE!(TO SHERIFF)YOU MT SEE THAT A LOT, HUNH?SHERIFFSHUT UP!WILLENHOLLYSIRE, YOU'RE VERY TACURN.WILLENHOLLY STARTS ROLLG UP HIS SLEEV AS THE SHERIFFLOOKS ON.WILLENHOLLYYOU AND YOUR MEN STAY UP HERE. WHENI RNER THEM, I'LL LL YOU FORBACK-UP.SHERIFFWHAT'RE YOU DOG? THEY'RE TRAPPED.THE ONLY WAY THEY N GET OUT OFTHERE IS RIGHT HERE.WILLENHOLLYA FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL DON'TWA FOR HIS PREY TO E TO HIM. HE TO . OR GO TO . IS " TO " OR "GO TO "?(SHAK OFF)I'M GOG THERE. I'M UNTG ONYOU SHERIFF.WILLENHOLLY EMBRAC THE SHERIFF.WILLENHOLLYYOU'VE TGHT ME SO MUCH.WILLENHOLLY THEN CLIMBS TO THE SEWER, DISAPPEARG. THECOPS LOOK AT THE SHERIFF FOR A BEAT, WHO HEADS O.C. SAYG--SHERIFFFUCK THIS ASSHOLE. LET'S GO BACK TOTHE STATN AND GET SOME DONUTS.INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAYTIGHT ON JAY, BOB, AND SUZANNE, LOOKG TO THE DISTANCE,BATHED BY NATURAL LIGHT. WE HEAR THE LOUD SOUNDS OF WATERSHG.JAYTHIS REMDS ME OF THE NIGHT I FUCKEDYOUR MOM, YO. ONE BIG-WET, SMELLY,GAPG HOLE, AND ME WISHG I HAD ABOARD TIED TO MY ASS--PULL BACK TO REVEAL JAY, SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE STANDG ATTHE PRECIPICE OF THE SEWER TUNNEL THAT POK OUT OF A DAM.WATER SHED BELOW.JAY--TO KEEP OM FALLG .WILLENHOLLYPUT THE MONKEY DOWN AND YOUR HANDSUP!WILLENHOLLY AIMS HIS GUN AT THE TR'S BACKS.WILLENHOLLYMISTERS, DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT?!?OUR HERO PLY, BUT JAY SPEAKS.JAYLOOK MAN--SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GOBACK! THEY'RE EXPERIMENTING ON HER!(BEAT)AND FOR THE RECORD, I AIN'T REALLYGAY!WILLENHOLLYI DON'T CARE!(BEAT)AND FOR THE RECORD, I KNEW THAT WASN'TREALLY A LITTLE BOY.JAYSURE, FOR ONE MORE RECORD--(POTG TO SILENTBOB)HE LOVES COCK!WILLENHOLLYON YOUR KNEES!JAY AND SILENT BOB FACE WILLENHOLLY AND KNEEL. BUT SUZANNE'SSTILL LOOKG OUT OF THE DAM.JAYSEE, MAN?! HE'S LG UP LIKEFUCKG CIRC SEALS! WELL, I'M GOGFIRST--I DON'T WANT NO MOUTHFUL OFMONKEY-SP WHEN I GOTTA BLOW THISFUCKG G-MAN.TIGHT ON SUZANNE, WHO'S LOOKG DOWN AT THE RAGG WATERBELOW. HER BROW HARNS WH PURPOSE.TIGHT ON SUZANNE'S RIGHT HAND GRABBG JAY'S RIGHT HAND.TIGHT ON SUZANNE'S LEFT HAND GRABBG BOB'S LEFT HAND.SUZANNE LEAPS FORWARD AT , PULLG JAY AND SILENT BOBBACKWARDS.JAYGET OFFA ME!!! GET OFFA ME!!!EXT. DAM--DAYSUZANNE LEAPS OM THE MOUTH OF THE TUNNEL, DRAGGG JAY ANDBOB WH HER.JAY AND BOBAAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAYWILLENHOLLY GO WI-EYED, HOLSTERG HIS GUN.WILLENHOLLYOH, NO--THK YOU N PULL A PETERPAN ON ME?!HE RAC TOWARD THE MOUTH OF THE TUNNEL AND LEAPS OUT ASWELL.WILLENHOLLYAAAIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!EXT. DAM--DAYAS WILLENHOLLY PLUMMETS, HE PASS SUZANNE HANGG BY HERFEET OFF A PIPE THAT POK OUT OM BENEATH THE MOUTH OF THETUNNEL. SHE'S HANGG UPSI DOWN, HOLDG JAY AND SILENTBOB'S HANDS.JAYHEY LAW-DOG! SEE YOU IN HELL, COCK--SMOKER!!!EXT. DAM BOTTOM--DAYWILLENHOLLY PLUMMETS TOWARD THE WATER BELOW AND KER-SPLASHTO THE DRK.EXT. DAM--DAYSUZANNE HAS PULLED JAY AND SILENT BOB BACK TO THE MOUTH OFTHE TUNNEL.JAYYOU SEE THAT SH? DAMN--REMD MENOT TO GET ON THE MONKEY'S BAD SI.YO--BOOST HER UP. SO WE N TALK, SOWE N GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.SILENT BOB LIFTS SUZANNE OVER THE TUNNEL ONTO THE--EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY--PAVEMENT NEAR THE MANHOLE. SHE SS THERE, LOOKG DOWN.EXT. DAM--DAYSILENT BOB LIFTS JAY OVER THE TOP OF THE TUNNEL TOWARD THEROAD,EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYSUZANNE SS BY THE SI OF THE ROAD. A R PULLS TO THHOT.JAY AND SILENT BOB CLIMB OVER THE CLIFF ONTO THE HIGHWAYJT TIME TO SEE--THE PASSENGER DOOR SLAMMG ON A TRUCK WH LOS ANGEL PLATAND A SIGN THAT READS CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD. SUZANNE ISLOOKG OUT THE BACK WDOW WAVG. JAY AND BOB LEAP TOTHEIR FEET, CHASG AFTER THE TCK.JAYHEY! GET THE FUCK OFF HER, MAN! THAT'SMY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S MONKEY?!THE TCK SPEEDS AWAY THE DISTANCE. JAY AND SILENT BOBSTAND THERE, PANTG.JAYMAN! WHO THE FUCK JT STEALS AMONKEY?!SILENT BOB DIT THEMSELV.JAYOH YEAH.(PISSED)WELL THIS FUCKG BLOWS! WE GOT ONEMORE DAY TO STOP THOSE FUCKS OMMAKG THAT MOVIE, AND SOMEONE GOAND TAK THE ONLY THG I HAD LEFTOM THE ONE WOMAN I EVER LOVED ENOUGHNOT TO TRY TO STICK MY HAND DOWN HERPANTS!SILENT BOB MIM THAT THEY SHOULD GO AFTER SUZANNE.JAYGO AFTER THE MONKEY? HOW THE FUCKARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE THATTHG'S GOG?SILENT BOB MIM THE DIRECTN THE R WENT. JAY STARAT HIM.JAYWHAT? WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!DON'T JT FUCKG POT LIKE--(IMAT HIM)YOU A'T THE BROAD THE CHILDRENOF A LSER GOD. USE YOU FUCKGMOUTH FOR MORE THAN EATG, YA TUBBYBCH!BOB STARTS AN ELABORATE PANTOMIME. JAY TRI TO GUS WHATHE'S SAYG.JAYYOU GOTTA TAKE A SH? NO--YOU GOTTATAKE A SALAD? TAKE A SALAD? WHAT THEFUCK ARE YOU TRYG TO SAY?BOB'S ON THE VERGE OF TEARS, TRYG TO MIME OUT HIS MSAGE.JAYJUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY?!?SILENT BOB GRABS JAY AND SCREAMS TO HIS FACE.SILENT BOBTHE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAIDCRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD, YOU DUMBFUCK!!!BOB RELEAS JAY, BREATHG HEAVILY AND STORMS OFF THEDIRECTN OF THE R WENT. JAY WATCHED HIM GO FOR A BEAT,THEN FOLLOWS, MUTTERG UNR HIS BREATH--JAYSAY , DON'T SPRAY , BCH.EXT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAYAN ESTABLISHING SHOT.SHERIFF (O.S.)"AND MIGHT I ADD, THAT'S ONE FE-LOOKG BOY YOU'RE RAISG."INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAYTHE SHERIFF AND HIS MEN STAND AROUND, EATG DONUTS, LGHG.THE STATN DOORS SLAM OPEN, AND WILLENHOLLY ENTERS, SOAKGWET. ALL THE COPS STARE AT HIM.SHERIFFWELL, IF ISN'T THE WILDLIFEEXPERTS. DID YOU E TO OR GO TO?WILLENHOLLYDO YOU HAVE A MICROWAVE HERE, SHERIFF?SHERIFFWE HAVE A TOASTER OVEN. WHY?WILLENHOLLYBEE I NEED TO DRY MY GUN OUT SOI N SHOOT YOU WITH IT ! TWICE!SHERIFFTHIS MIGHT CHEER YOU UP.(HANDS HIM PAPER)YOUR OFFICE JT FAXED THIS OVER.GUY THERE SAY 'S A POST OM ANINTER CHAT BOARD, SIGNED BY A"JAY AND SILENT BOB." YOUR MAN THKS'S A LEAD AS TO WHERE THOSE FELLASARE TAKG THE APE.WILLENHOLLY(READG)"ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GONNAPAY. YOU ARE THE ON WHO ARE BALL-LICKERS. WE'RE GONNA FUCK YOURMOTHERS WHILE YOU WATCH AND CRY LIKELTLE BCH. ONCE WE GET TOHOLLYWOOD--"(LOOKS UP)THEY'RE GOG TO HOLLYWOOD.EXT. HOLLYWOOD--MONTAGEWE TAKE A QUICK VISUAL TOUR OF THE CY, CLUDG THE SIGN,THE LE OF ONT OF KRISPY KREME, THE LE ONT OF COFFEEBEAN AND TEA LEAF, THE SIMPSON STAR THE WALK- OF- FAME,THE ROCKY AND BULLWKLE STATUE, THE BEVERLY CENTER, JERRY'SFAMO DELI, THE HOLLYWOOD AND VE SIGN, MANN'S CHETHEATRE, THE STAR WARS FOOTPRTS OUTSI OF MANN'S, THECHATE MARMONT, PEOPLE ON CELL PHON, TRASHY LGERIE.HOOKERS PROPOSNG A POTENTIAL JOHN, AND FALLY--EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD--DAYWE START ON THE STREET SIGN, AND PAN DOWN TO A JEEP WRANGLERTHAT PULLS UP. A GEO WOMAN SUNGLASS DRIV, WHSILENT BOB STG THE BACK SEAT. AFTER A BEAT, JAY POPSUP OM UNR THE DASH, WIPG HIS MOUTH, LOOKG AROUND.THE WOMAN SIGHS, AND ZIPS UP HER PANTS. JAY AND BOB HOP OUTAND WAVE TO THE WOMAN AS THE R PULLS AWAY. BOB OFFERS JAYA LOOK.JAYWHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE 'S CHEATG.JTICE BLEW UP.TWO HOOKERS APPROACH THEM.HOOKER 1HEY, LTLE MAN. YOU WANT SOME OFTHIS?HOOKER 2HOW ABOUT YOU, BIG BOY?HOOKER 1IF YOU'VE GOT FIFTY BUCKS WE N GETNASTY.JAYOH YEAH? HOW NASTY?HOOKER 2AS NASTY AS YOU WANNA BE, POPPIE.JAYALRIGHT--FIRST, I'LL WANT TO TONGUEYOUR BUNG WHILE YOU JUGGLE MY BALLS ONE HAND AND PLAY WH MY ASSHOLEWH THE OTHER. BUT DON'T STICK YOUFGER . THEN. I'LL WANNA PKYYOU AND PUT YOUR IEND'S BROWN,WHILE SILENT BOB SPANKS TO A DIXIECUP. AFTER THAT, I'LL WANNA SMELLYOUR TTI, FOR A WHILE, AND YOUN PULL MY NUTSACK UP OVER MY DICK,SO LOOKS LIKE A BULLOG. THEN IWANT YOU TO FLICK AT MY NUTS WHILEYOUR IEND SPANKS ME TO THE SAMEDIXIE CUP SILENT BOB JIZZED . THENWE THROW THE DIXIE CUP OUT.THE HOOKERS LOOK AT HIM, DUMBFOUND, THEN--HOOKER 1OH, THAT'S HONEY. I QU.(WALKG AWAY)THIS JOB JT PASSED THE POT OF NORETURN.HOOKER 2(TO JAY)YOU ONE FUCKED UP PUPPY, POPPIE.JAY(WATCHG THEM GO)WHAT?! YOU SAID 'NASTY'?(SHAK HIS HEAD; TOBOB)MAN, CHICKS HOLLYWOOD ARE SO STUCKUP.EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.--LATERJAY AND SILENT BOB WALK.JAYALRIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN: FIRST, WEFD OUT WHERE THEY'RE SHOOTG THATMOVIE AT. AFTER WE SHUT THAT SHDOWN, WE N START LOOKG FOR THEMONKEY. BUT BEFORE WE DO ANY OF THATSH, WE GOTTA FD A MOTHERFUCKER THE KNOW. SOMEONE WHO'S LIKE, THEMAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD.THEY PASS A DEALER LEANG AGAST A WALL, TRYG TO MAKE ASALE.DEALER(SUBTLY)CRACK? YOU WANT SOME CRACK? SWEET-ASS ROCK. GET YOU HIGH.JAYNO MAN, BUT YOU WANT SOME WEED?DEALER(BEAT)YOU ON THE JOB?JAY(PULLG OUT A RD)YEAH, BOY. JERSEY LOL 408.CLOSE ON THE CARD. IT READS: UNITED JERSEY BROTHERHOOD OFDEALERS, LOCAL 408.THERE'S A GRAPHIC OF A STONER BI .DEALERI'M LOS ANGEL LOL 305!THEY SHAKE HANDS, SLAPPG EACH OTHER ON THE BACK LIKE UNNBROTHERS.DEALERYOU GUYS GOT MEDIL JERSEY YET?JAYSH, NO, WE MIGHT HAVE TO STRIKE SEPTEMBER.DEALERNORMA RAE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. YOUGOTS TO GET YOUR BENEFS, YOU KNOWWHAT I'M SAYG?JAYI HEAR THAT. YO--MAYBE YOU N HELP OUT. YOU KNOW WHERE THEY'RHOOTG A MOVIE AROUND HERE.DEALERYOU THIS TOWN AND YOU GONNA ASKTHAT QUTN? BE A LTLE MORPECIFIC.JAYIT'S A MIRAMAX FLICK. WE GOTTA BT UP SO PEOPLE STOP LLG NAMON THE INTER, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RENOT REALLY TALKG ABOUT BUT THECHARACTERS BASED ON , AND AT THAME TIME, FD MY EX-GIRLIEND-WHO-GOT-KILLED--A-R-EXPLOSN'SMONKEY.JAY EXHAL. THE DEALER STAR AT HIM FOR A BEAT.DEALERI DON'T KNOW THAT THE FUCK YOU JTSAID, LTLE KID. BUT YOU TOUCHED ABROTHER'S HEART, SO I'M GONNA HELPYOU OUT WH SOME DIRECTNS TO THTUD.JAYYOU KNOW WHERE MIRAMAX IS AT?DEALERFUCK, Y. MIRAMAX ACUNTS FORSEVENTY-EIGHT PERCENT OF MY BS.INT. E! ENTERTAINMENT NEWS--DAYAFTER E! NEWS LOGO PLAYS. CUT TO STEVE KMETKO STUD.STEVE KMETKOIS HOLLYWOOD READY FOR JAY AND SILENTBOB? A SOURCE AT THE FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL'S OFFICE TELLS A POSTGWAS PULLED OFF AN INTER MOVIECHAT BOARD THAT WAS ALLEGEDLY WRTENBY THE TWO DOMTIC TERRORISTSTHEMSELV. IT'S SENDG A SHOCKWAVETHROUGH HOLLYWOOD. JUL ASNER'S ONTHE SCENE AT MIRAMAX STUDS, JUL?JUL ASNER IS ONT OF THE MIRAMAX STUDS MA GATE.JULES ASNERSTEVE, THE TENOR OF TSELTOWN ISONE OF TERROR TODAY, AFTER THE FERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE LEARNEDTHAT HOT, NEW TERRORISTS JAY ANDSILENT BOB ARE TARGETG MIRAMAXSTUDS FOR THEIR NEXT MPAIGN OFBLOOD, VLENCE AND MONKEY-THEFT. INTHE POSTG, PULLED OFF MOVIE , THE GOME TWOSOMETHREATENED, QUOTE--(READG)"ONCE WE GET TO HOLLYWOOD AND FDTHOSE MIRAMAX EXPLETIVE-DELETED WHOARE MAKG THE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONICMOVIE, WE'RE GONNA MAKE 'EM EAT OUREXPLETIVE-DELETED, THEN EXPLETIVE-DELETED, WHICH IS MA UP OF OUREXPLETIVE-DELETED, THEN EAT THEIREXPLETIVE-DELETED, WHICH IS MA UPOF OUR EXPLETIVE-DELETED THAT WEMA 'EM EAT. UNQUOTE. SO FAR, WEHAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET A STATEMENTOM ANYONE HERE ARE THE STUD.BACK TO STEVE THE E! STUD.STEVEJUL, WORD HAS THAT BEN AFFLECKAND MATT DAMON ARE ON THE LOT,SHOOTG A SUPER-SECRET PROJECT.HAVE YOU SEEN THEN ROAMG AROUND?BACK TO JULES AT MIRAMAX STUDS.JULESNO, STEVE. BUT I DID SEE CASEY AFFLECKBUYG A SODA AT A NCSN STANARLIER.STEVEBUT NO SIGN OF JAY AND SILENT BOB?JULESNONE WHATSOEVER. HOWEVER, TO BE FAIR,ALL THE FEDS HAVE TO WORK WH ISMURKY VIOTAPE, SO NO ONE'S EVEN AHUNDRED PERCENT SURE WHAT JAY ANDSILENT BOB LOOK LIKE, EXACTLY. FORALL WE KNOW, THEY ULD ALREADY BEON THE LOT.AS JUL SPEAKS, JAY AND BOB WALK TO THE AME BEHD HER,LOOKG UP AT THE STUD SIGN. THEY THEN NOTICE THE MERAAND START WAVG BEHD JUL.INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM--DAYJTICE GO WI-EYED, SEEG JAY AND BOB ON E! SHE HOPSOUT OF HER SEAT.JUSTICEOH MY GOD! JAY! NO!JTICE LOOKS AROUND, PANICKY. HER EY FALL ON--THE DIAMONDS, STG ATOP THE SATCHEL ON THE TABLE.JTICE LOOKS AT THE DIAMONDS, THEN THE TV SCREEN. SHE THKSFOR A BEAT, THEN--JUSTICEFUCK .SHE POURS THE DIAMONDS TO THE SATCHEL, AND SHOV HER POCKET.INT. SEEDY MOTEL BEDROOM--DAYTHE DOOR SLOWLY OPENS THE DARK BEDROOM, AND JTICE CRAWLSTO THE BEDSI TABLE, REACHG FOR A SET OF KEYS. IN THEBED, MISSY AND CHRISSY MAKE OUT UNR THE SHEETS, MOANG.SISSY'S BANGG THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY AGAST THE VANY.JTICE GRABS THE KEYS, LEAVG A NOTE THEIR PLACE. ASSHE CRAWLS BACK OUT, WE PUSH IN ON THE NOTE, WHICH READS:SORRY, GUYS--BUT I LOVE HIM.EXT. SEEDY MOTEL PARKING LOT--DAYTHE NVERTIBLE SKIDS OUT, TAKG OFF.INT. SEEDY MOTEL HALLWAY--DAYTHERE'S A LOUD SCREAM, THEN SISSY, MISSY, AND CHRISSY SHDOWN THE STAIRS ( VARIED STAT OF UNDRS AND SHEET-WRAP).WIPG THEIR MOUTHS. SISSY HOLDS JTIC'S NOTE.SISSYTHAT BCH! THAT FUCKG, FUCKGBCH!!!(TO GIRLS)GET DRSED. WE'RE GOG AFTER HER.CHRISSYFUCK THAT, I DIDN'T GET TO CUM YET.SISSYWHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU: AFORTUNE DIAMONDS OR BTG ANUT?SISSY AND MISSY RACE BACK UP THE STAIRS. CHRISSY STANDS THERTILL, SHGS, THEN DIGS HER HAND TO HER PANTI.SISSY (O.S.)CHRISSY! NOW!CHRISSYFUCK--CHRISSY RAC BACK UP THE STAIRS.EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS-DAYTHE E! NEWS CREW PACKS UP. JAY AND SILENT BOB STUDY THE MAGATE. THEY WATCH THE SECURITY GUARD APPROACH A R THAT'SJT PULLED UP. THE GUARD CHECKS THE DRIVER'S PASS, THENLIFTS THE GATE TO LET THE R THROUGH. JAY LOOKS TO BOB.JAYWE GOTTA PLAY THIS RIGHT.BOB NODS, AFTER A BEAT, THE PAIR TEAR-ASS PAST THE GUARDBOOTH. THE GUARD LEAPS OUT OF THE BOOTH, BLOWG A WHISTLEAND GIVG CHASE.EXT. STUDIO LOT--DAYJAY AND BOB RACE AROUND THE BUILDG TOWARD WHAT LOOKS LIKEAN OPEN ALLEY THEN SMASH TO , FALLG DOWN. THE OPENALLEY IS A BACKGROUND PATG THAT'S BEG MOVED BY SOMESCENICS. JAY AND BOB GET UP, SHAKG OFF THE IMPACT.JAYI HATE HOW FAKE HOLLYWOOD IS.THE SECURITY GUARD TCH UP TO THEM NOW, GRABBG THEM BYTHEIR SHOULRS, SPNG THEM AROUND.SECURITY GUARDWHERE DO YOU THK YOU'RE GOG?JAYGET OFFA ME! RAAAAAPE!!!SECURITY GUARDTHIS IS L.A., SIR. WE DON'T RAPE OURSPECTS CTODY. WE JT BEATTHEM.(TO WALKIE-TALKIE)ECHO BASE, I'VE GOT A TEN-O-SEVENHERE: TWO UNTHORIZEDS ON THE LOT.REQUT BACK-UP.VOICE(OM WALKIE-TALKIE)I THOUGHT THAT WAS A TEN-EIGHTY-TWO.SECURITY GUARDNO, SIR--A TEN-EIGHT-TWO IS THE FOR VANISHG A AD HOOKER OM BENAFFLECK'S TRAILER.VOICE(OM WALKIE-TALKIE)OH, THAT AFFLECK. BACKUP ON THE WAY.JAYHEY! I MAKE YOU A AL: THIS GUY'LLSUCK YOUR DICK OFF IF YOU LET GO!SECURITY GUARDCONTRARY TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE, NOTEVERYONE THE MOVIE BS ISGAY.JAYWELL, HOW ABOUT THIS AL: HE SUCKSMY DICK WHILE YOU WATCH AND JERKOFF.THE SECURY GUARD STOPS, LOOKS AROUND, THEN RELEAS THEM,REACHG TO HIS PANTS.SECURITY GUARDALRIGHT. BUT MAKE IS FAST. AND SEXY.SILENT BOB LOOKS AT JAY, WI-EYED AND SRED.JAYDU, 'S EHER THIS OR JAIL. ANDYOU KNOW WHAT THEY MAKE YOU DO JAIL.SILENT BOB WELLS UP WH TEARS, SLOWLY DROPPG TO HIS KNE,REACHG FOR JAY'S PANTS. THE SECURY GUARD BENDS DOWN LOWTO WATCH AT CROTCH-LEVEL. SUDNLY, JAY HAMMERS HIS TWO FISTSTO THE SECURY GUARD'S NECK, KNOCKG HIM OUT. SILENTBOB FALLS TO A STG POSN ON THE GROUND, RELIEVED.JAY LOOKS AT HIM.JAYWELL WHAT ARE YOU WAG FOR, BCH?START SUCKG. BUNNGGG!(LOOKG AROUND)ALRIGHT--WHERE THEY SHOOTG THISMOVIE AT?SILENT BOB POTS BEHD JAY, AT THE SOUNDSTAGE THEY'RE ONT OF. THERE'S A LINE OF PEOPLE WAG AT THE DOOR.JAYWORTH A SHOT. LIKE A SHOT THEMOUTH, YOU GAY BCH. EWW, DU--YOUWERE REALLY GONNA SUCK MY DICK.SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD "NO," WI-EYED AS JAY HEADS OFF.WHEN JAY'S OUT OF AME, SILENT BOB SHGS LIKE, "YEAH--IGUS I WAS."EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYJAY AND BOB APPROACH THE LE, AS AN A.D. LLS OUT TO THECROWD.A.D.ALRIGHT--BAR EXTRAS. FOLLOW ME.THE A.D. STARTS LEADG THE CROWD . JAY AND BOB BLEND AND FOLLOW SI.EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYAN OFFICIAL-LOOKG R TEARS DOWN THE ROAD.INT. CAR--SAMEWILLENHOLLY DRIV, DIALG HIS CELL PHONE.PHONE VOICEFERAL BURE OF INVTIGATNWILLENHOLLYY, THIS IS FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHALWILLENHOLLY. CAN I SPEAK WH AGENTSID ENMARTY, PLEASE?PHONE VOICEONE MOMENT, PLEASE.INT. AGENT ENMARTY'S OFFICE--SAMEAGENT SID ENMARTY WORKS AT HIS SK.SPEAKER VOICEAGENT ENMARTY? A MARSHAL WILLENHOLLYLLG.AGENT SID(PERKG UP)HOLY SH! YEAH, PUT HIM THROUGH.(LLG OFF)YO! INCOMING BITCH BOY PHONER!TWO OTHER AGENTS SH , CHUCKLG. ALL GATHER AROUND THEPHONE AS SID PRS THE SPEAKER BUTTON.AGENT SIDWILLENHOLLY?BEGIN CROSS-CUTTING WITH WILLENHOLLY.WILLENHOLLYSID? HEY, BUDDY. I'M LLG BEEI ULD REALLY E YOUR HELP ON THISKILLER SE I'M WORKG.AGENT SIDI'LL BET, WILL. WHAT'S THIS TIME...BEAVER TROUBLE? SOME KD OFUNTHORIZED MARSUPIAL TRAFFICKG?THE AGENTS CRACK UP, STIFLG THEIR LGHTER.WILLENHOLLY(TAKG STRI)NO, NO--NOTHG LIKE THAT. SAY--THEREAREN'T OTHER PEOPLE LISTENG ,ARE THERE?AGENT SIDNO WAY, MAN. IT'S JT ME AND YOUTALKG HERE.WILLENHOLLYGOOD. I'M TRACKG A MONKEY DOWNTHAT'S ON 'S WAY TO LOS ANGEL,AND I ULD E SOME BURE BACKUP.AGENT SIDLOS ANGEL, HUNH? MAYBE WE SHOULDSTAKE OUT CLT EASTWOOD'S PLACE.DIDN'T HE ED TO DRIVE AROUND WHA MONKEY THAT'D PUNCH PEOPLE ANDDRK BEER?THE AGENTS CRACK UP. WILLENHOLLY'S TCHG ON.WILLENHOLLYAM, UH--AM I ON SPEAKER PHONE?AGENT SIDNO WAY--DUNSTON!WILLENHOLLYALRIGHT, NOW THAT'S NOT FAIR. I KNOWI DIDN'T MAKE AS HIGH UP AS YOUGUYS, BUT MY JOB'S JT AS IMPORTANT.AGENT SIDCALM DOWN, WILL. DON'T GO ALL...BANANAS ON !THE AGENTS CRACK UP EVEN MORE, WILLENHOLLY'S PISSED.WILLENHOLLYI E TO YOU AS A IEND--AS A FELLOWPROFSNAL--AND THIS IS THE SH IGET?!AGENT SIDYOU'RE RIGHT, WILL. TELL YOU WHAT--WE'LL GET OUR BT MAN ON YOUR SERIGHT AWAY. YOU MIGHT'VE HEARD OFHIM. HE'S A DOCTOR.WILLENHOLLY(EXCED)OH, A DOCTOR?AGENT SIDHIS NAME'S DOCTOR ZAI!THE AGENTS LGH HYSTERILLY, POUNDG THE SK, WILLENHOLLYTEARS UP, ENRAGED.WILLENHOLLYSCREW YOU GUYS!WILLENHOLLY THROWS HIS CELL PHONE ACROSS THE R, THE MOCKGLGHTER STILL EMTG OM . WILLENHOLLY CRI.EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS LOT--DAYTHE RED LIGHT FLASHES OUTSI THE SOUNDSTAGE.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAMEJAY AND SILENT BOB STAND AMIDST A LE OF EXTRAS. SILENT BOBLOOKS O.C. GO WI-EYED, AND POK JAY, POTG O.C. JAYLOOKS AND SE--A COLLEGE BAR SET THAT LOOKS LIKE THE COLLEGE BAR OM GOODWILL HUNTG, PLETE WH CLARK (THE STUFFY LLEGE JERK).MATT DAMON STANDS OFF TO THE SI, LOOSENG UP FOR THE SCENE.BEN AFFLECK LLS TO THE O.C. DIRECTOR.BENWHERE ARE WE TAKG OM, G?G VAN SANT SS OFF TO THE SI, UNTG A STACK OF MONEY.HE JT SHGS.GUSI'M BY.BENYOU'RE A TE ARTIST, GMATTJT TAKE OM "IT'S A GOODURSE."BENOH, NOW YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.MATTHEY, SHOVE . BOUNCE-BOY. LET'SREMEMBER WHO TALKED WHO TO DOGTHIS SH THE FIRST PLACE. TALKGME TO DOGMA WAS ONE THG, BUTTHIS--BENI'M SORRY THIS IS TAKG YOU AWAYOM WHATEVER-GAY-KILLERS-ON-HORS-WHO-LIKE-TO-PLAY-GOLF-TOUCHY-FEELY-FLICK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOGTHIS WEEK.MATTOH--I'M TOUCHY-FEELY? I TAKE YOUNEVER SAW FORC OF NATURE?BENYOU'RE LIKE A CHILD. WHAT'VE I BEENTELLG YOU? SOMETIM YOU'VE GOTTADO THE SAFE PICTURE. SOMETIM, YOUDO FOR ART. SOMETIM, 'S THEPAYBACK PICTURE YOUR IEND SAYS YOUOWE HIM--THEY TAKE A BEAT AND LOOK AT THE MERA. THEN--BENAND SOMETIM, YOU GO BACK TO THEWELL.MATTAND SOMETIM, YOU DO REER GAM.BENNOW THAT'S JT MEAN.JAY TURNS EXCEDLY TO BOB.JAYTHIS HAS GOTTA BE THE BLUNTMAN FLICK,'E THAT'S THOSE TWO FUCKS OMTHAT MORK MOVIE! NOW ALL WE GOTTA DOIS FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET CLOSE TOTHEM--THE A.D. GRABS JAY AND BOB BY THE ARMS AND DRAGS THEM ONTOTHE SET, PLACG THEM NEAR BEN AND MATT THE SCENE.A.D.JT STAND THERE AND REACT. DON'TSAY ANYTHG.BOB GO A LTLE WI-EYED. JAY S AT HIM.JAY(OFF A.D.'S MENT)THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.A.D.(LLG OUT)ALRIGHT, PEOPLE. LOCK UP. LET'SGO FOR PICTURE.JAY AND BOB EYE BEN AND MATT FIERCELY, BEN AND MATT AREOBLIV.JAYON THE UNT OF THREE, WE SH THOSEFUCKS AND BEAT THE SH OUT OF 'EM.'CSE IF THEY'RE ALL FUCKED UP,THEY N'T MAKE THE MOVE, RIGHT?ALRIGHT, THEN. ONE--TWO--CLAPPER/LOADER (O.S.)GOOD WILL HUNTG TWO: HUNTG SEASON.JAY AND BOB EEZE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN O.C.THE CLAPPER/LOAR HOLDS A CLAPBOARD ONT OF BEN'S FACE.IT DO ED, READ: GOOD WILL HUNTG 2: HUNTG SEASON.CLAPPER/LOADERSCENE SIXTEEN, TAKE FIVE.THE CLAPPER/LOAR CLAPS THE BOARD CLOSED AND RAC OFF. BENLOOKS TO G.BENACTN, G?G LOOKS UP OM UNTG HIS MONEY.GUSJ, BEN--I SAID I'M BY.BEN SHAK HIS HEAD AND THEN STARTS THE SCENE WH CLARK.BEN/CHUCKIEYOU SHOULD CHECK OUT, 'S A GOODURSE. BUT, YOU KNOW, ANKLY, IFOUND THE CLASS RATHER ELEMENTARY.CLARKYOU KNOW, I DON'T DOUBT THAT WAS.I REMEMBER THAT CLASS. IT WAS JTBETWEEN RECS AND LUNCH.BEN/CHUCKIEARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM, AGA?CLARKTHERE'S NO PROBLEM. I WAS STILL JTHOPG YOU MIGHT GIVE ME SOME SIGHTTO THE EVOLUTN OF THE MARKETENOMY THE SOUTHERN COLONI.SEE, WOOD SAYS--MATT/WILL(STEPPG )WHAT'D I SAY? DIDN'T I SAY YOU'D BEBACK HERE REGURGATG GORDON WOOD.BUT YOU FOT ABOUT VICKERS--CLARKNO, I JT READ VICKERS, SO I'M UPON HERED WEALTH, HUNTG. BUTYOU'RE NOT THE ANGRY, BRILLIANT YOUNGMD YOU ONCE WERE, JT CHG TOVENT YOUR TRATNS.IN THE BACKGROUND, JAY AND SILENT BOB GET BORED AND HEAD OUTOF THE SHOT. AFTER A BEAT, THEY GET PHED BACK BY THEA.D.CLARKONCE SEAN TOLD YOU WASN'T YOURFLT, YOU LOST THE EDGE, WILLIAM.YOU STOPPED HTG THE BOOKS WH AVENGEANCE, AND NOW I'VE READ SHYOU HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD ABOUT YET.FACE FACTS, MY IEND--LOVE MA YOUA SOFT LTLE PSY BOY, UNABLE TOSTAND UP TO AN AMIC SHOWDOWN,LIKE YOU ED TO. YOU'RE JT NOLONGER THAT GOOD--WILL HUNTG.(GETS HIS FACE)NOW HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPL?MATT/WILL TURNS AWAY ANGRILY, FACG BEN/CHUCKIE, LOOKGDOWNWARDS, STEAMG.BEN/CHUCKIEI DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THEM APPL.WILL, WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO NOW?MATT/WILLCHUCKIE--(SNARLG)IT'S HUNTG SEASON.MATT/WILL SPS TO FACE CLARK WH TWO HUGE GUNS HIS HANDS.HE BLOWS CLARK AWAY, JAY AND BOB H THE CK. MATT/WILLSTANDS THERE, GUNS SMOKG.BEN/CHUCKIEAPPLE SCE, BCH.SUDNLY THE DOOR TO THE SOUNDSTAGE SWGS OPEN, AND THESECURY GUARD JAY KNOCKED OUT SH , FOLLOWED BY OTHERSECURITY GUARDS WHO B THE PLACE.SECURITY GUARDSORRY TO TERPT, SIRS, BUT HAVE ATEN-OH-SEVEN ON OUR HANDS.BENWA A SEND! I WASN'T WH ANYHOOKERS TODAY!THE SECURY GUARD SE JAY AND BOB CROUCHED BEHD BEN, HEPOTS, SCREAMG.SECURITY GUARDTHERE THEY ARE!BEN AND MATT TURN TO JAY AND BOB, JAY S.JAYAFFLECK, YOU'RE THE BOMB PHANTOMS,YO.JAY AND BOB THEN RACE OUT-OF-AME, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY THESECURY GUARDS. MATT HEAD OFF, ARMS THROWN THE AIR.MATTIF ANYONE'S LOOKG FOR ME, I'LL BE MY TRAILER TRYG TO FIGURE OUTHOW I GOT HERE OM AN AMY AWARD.EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYJAY AND BOB SH OUT, PULLG A BENCH ONT OF THE DOOR,BLOCKG . THEY RACE TEN FEET TO ANOTHER SOUNDSTAGE ACROSSOM THEM AND HEAD SI A DOOR.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAMEJAY AND SILENT BOB SH TO SEE--W CRAVEN GETTG READY TO DIRECT A SCENE WH A FAIAR-LOOKG GHOSTFACE KILLER AND SHANNEN DOHERTY. THECLAPPER/LOAR'S CLAPBOARD READS: SCREAM 4CLAPPER/LOADERSCREAM FOUR, SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN,TAKE ONE.(CLAPS AND SHOFF)WES CRAVENACTN!THE KILLER CHAS SHANNEN AROUND THE ROOM, FALLG OVER STUFF,UNTIL SHE HS HIM WH A LAMP, KNOCKG HIM OUT.SHANNEN DOHERTYALRIGHT, YOU BASTARD! LET'S SEE WHOYOU REALLY ARE!SHANNEN PULLS THE MASK OFF THE SHORT PERFORMER TO REVEALSUZANNE.JAY AND SILENT BOB GO WI-EYED.SHANNEN DOHERTYFUCKG MIRAMAX--(GETTG UP)CUT!SHANNEN HEADS OVER TO W, HOLDG THE MASK.WES CRAVENSHANNEN, UALLY I SAY "CUT."SHANNEN DOHERTYA MONKEY? J, YOU GUYS AREN'TEVEN TRYG ANYMORE, ARE YOU?WES CRAVENTHE MARKET REARCH SUGGT THATPEOPLE LOVE MONKEYS.JAY AND SILENT BOB SH , GRAB SUZANNE.JAYWE LOVE THIS MONKEY!THEY SH OUT. WT SHGS TO SHANNEN.WES CRAVENSEE?SECURY GUARDS RACE THROUGH, CHASG AFTER THE EXED PAIR.EXT. LOT--DAYJAY AND BOB RACE THROUGH THE LOT, WH BOB RRYG SUZANNE.ON A FAKE NEW YORK CY STREET, ANOTHER MOVIE IS SHOOTG.THE TR, BOB AND WEAVE THROUGH THE SHOOT, UNTIL--AT THE END OF THE ALLEY, A SET GOLF CART PULLS UP, AND FOURSECURY GUARDS PILE OUT, FORMG A HUMAN WALL, BLOCKGTHEIR PATH. JAY AND BOB STOP AD, LOOKG BACK TO SEE THEOTHER SECURY GUARDS GAG.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO?JT THEN, A P.A. ON A BIKE PULLS UP NEARBY. HE DCH THEBIKE AND GRABS PAPERS OM THE LARGE HANGG BASKET ONT.JAY AND BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, RACE OVER TO THE BIKE, ANDJUMP ON, PUTTG SUZANNE THE BASKET. THEY START PEDALGAWAY FURLY, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY THE SECURY GUARD POSSE.SILENT BOB PEDDL LIKE MAD, RACG TOWARD THE GOLF CART.JAYPUNCH IT!!!BOB POPS A WHEELIE AND THE BIKE RAC UP THE ONT OF THEVEHICLE, TAKG FLIGHT,BELOW, THE SECURY GUARDS STARE AWE AS--JAY AND SILENT BOB ATOP THE BIKE--WH SUZANNE THE ONTBASKET--GO PAST A MOON (ON A BILLBOARD, ON THE SI OF ASOUNDSTAGE) A LA E.T.JAY AND BOB LOOK DOWN, THEN AT EACH OTHER. THEY SE. THENTHEY LOOK AHEAD AND LET OUT A SCREAM.THE BIKE CRASH THROUGH A WDOW THE SI OF A SOUNDSTAGEBUILDG.INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAYTHE BIKE LANDS, AND JAY AND BOB, AND SUZANNE GO TUMBLGONTO THE FLOOR VERED GLASS. THEY LOOK UP TO SEE.JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND JASON BIGGS DRSED AS JAY AND SILENTBOB, LOOKG DOWN AS THEM.JAMESHOLY SH--THAT LOOKED LIKE HURT.JASONARE YOU GUYS ALRIGHT?(OFF SUZANNE)HEY! THEY'VE GOT A MONKEY!JAY AND BOB LOOK AT THEIR TWS, THEN AT EACH OTHER.JAYYO, I THK THAT SH JT KICKED.JAMESLET'S GET YOU GUYS ON YOUR FEET.JAM AND JASON HELP JAY AND SILENT BOB TO THEIR FEET. ALLSTARE AT ONE ANOTHER, PERPLEXED,THEN--JAY(TO JAM)SEE MAN? ITS NEVER, "HEY--YOU WERE LOSER, OR, "DU--YOU ROCKED BOYS AND GIRLS." IT ALWAYS BACK TO THAT FUCKG PIE! I'M HNTEDBY .!JAMESWELL, YOU PUT YOUR DICK A PIE,DU--JASONENOUGH!(TO JAY)JASON BIGGS.JAYYO-YOU REALLY GET TO THIRD BASE WHTHE RSSIAN CHICK LIKE YOU DID THE MOVI?JASONYOU MEAN SHANNON? SADLY, NO.JAYSHE'S FUCKG HOT, MAN. IF I WASYOU, I'D BEEN LIKE--JAY MIM A SERI OF SEXUAL MANVERS. JASON AND JAM LOOKON, BEWILRED.JAY(OFF JAM'S-LOOK)WHAT, MAN? YOU NEVER DID ONE OF THE?JAY STARTS MIMG AGA, AND SUDNLY STOPS, STARG AT JAM,BLOWN AWAY.JAYHOLY SH? YOU'RE THE DAWSON!JAMESIT'S JAM, ACTUALLY. JAM VAN DERBEEK.JAYYO, WHAT'S UP WH PACEY STEALGJOEY AWAY OM YOU? IF I WAS YOU, IWOULD'VE DROWNED HIS ASS YOURCREEK AND SH!JAMESI KNOW, BEE WHAT--IS JOSH BETTERLOOKG THAN ME? FUCK, NO. I MEAN,WHO ON EARTH IS BETTER LOOKG THATME? I ASK YOU.JAYJOEY, MAN! SHE'S TOO FE! YO--DIDYOU EVER GET TO THIRD BASE WH HER?JAMESWELL, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME--(TCHG HIMSELF)WA A SEND--WHO ARE YOU GUYS?!JASONTHEY'RE OUR STUNT DOUBL, DUMBASS.(TO JAY)RIGHT?JAYSTUNT DOUBL FOR WHAT?JAMESTHE MOVIE WE START SHOOTG A FEWMUT--BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKEBACK.JASON(TO BOB)YOU'RE DOUBLG ME. I'M PLAYGBLUNTMAN, AKA SILENT BILL.JAMESBOBJASONRIGHT. AND HE'S PLAYG CHRONIC. AKARAY.JAMESJAY! SH, DID YOU EVEN READ THCRIPT?JASONTHERE'S A SCRIPT?JAY AND BOB STARE AT THEM, BLANKLY. THEN JAY PUTS UP HISFGER, DITG THEY SHOULD WA A MUTE. HE GETS TO AHUDDLE WH SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE.JAYTHE ARE THE GUYS WHO ARE PLAYG, YO. WE TAKE THEM OUT, AND BICKETY-BAM! NO MOVIE.SILENT BOB NODS AT JAY, THEN SUZANNE. SUZANNE HEADS OFF,LEAVG JAY AND BOB TO HUDDLE.JASON(OFF JAY AND BOB, TOJAM)WHAT'S WH THE WEIRD, GAY HUDDLEGOG ON OVER THERE?JAMESWHAT'S GAY ABOUT ? IT'S TWO GUYSTALKG A RNER. MAN--WHY AREYOU SUCH A HOMOPHOBE.JASONI'M NOT A HOMOPHOBE.JAMESYOU ARE. YOU'RE ALWAYS LLG THGSGAY. "OOO--LOOK AT THE GAY HUDDLE,DU!"SUZANNE APPROACH THEM.JASONHEY--LOOK AT THE MONKEY.JAMESNEXT YOU'RE GOG TO TELL ME THEMONKEY'S GAY.JASONHE'S SO CUTE--(TO SUZANNE)C'MERE. MONKEY. C'MERE--SUZANNE PULLS JASON AND JAM OUT OF THE AME.WHILE JAY AND SILENT BOB NTUE TO HUDDLE, THE SOUNDS OF ABEATG ARE HEARD, O.C.JAYALRIGHT, HERE'S WHAT WE DO: STARTSWGG, AND DON'T STOP UNTIL THOSEYOUNG HOLLYWOOD FUCKS ARE OUT OFMISSN. READY? BREAK!JAY AND BOB SP TO FACE JASON AND JAM--ONLY TO GO WI-EYED. SUZANNE STANDS ATOP THE FALLEN ACTORS, WHO ARE BLOODIEDAND BEATEN AND KNOCKED OUT LD. SHE HOLDS HER HANDS SKYWARD,CLASPED LIKE A CHAMPN.JAYTHAT'S ONE FUNKY MONKEY.SUDNLY THERE'S A BANGG AT THE DOOR OF THE DRSG ROOM.VOICE (O.S.)MISTER BIGGS? MISTER VAN... DER--BEEK? THIS IS SECURY. WE'VE GOT APAIR OF TRS AT LARGE, AND THEYCRASHED THROUGH A WDOW WE THOUGHTMIGHT BE YOURS.JAY(TO DOOR; EPENGVOICE)UH--YEAH. THEY'RE HERE.SECURITY GUARDDO THEY HAVE YOU HOSTAGE? SHOULD WELL YOUR PUBLICISTS?JAYNO! I MEAN, WE KICKED THOSE GUYS'ASS BAD. THEY'RE--KNOCKED OUT.EXT. DRESSING ROOM--SAMETHE SECURY GUARDS STAND OUTSI A DOOR MARKED JAM.SECURITY GUARDGREAT WORK, SIRS! IF YOU LET ,WE'LL TAKE OVER--JAY (O.S.)(THROUGH DOOR)NO! ME AND JASON BIGGS ARE NAKED HERE! TOGETHER!THE SECURY GUARD LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER.SECURITY GUARDUH--OKAY. WE'LL JT BE--OUTSI THEDOOR, SIRS.THE SECURY GUARDS STIFLE A LGH, AS ONE MAK A BLOW JOBFACE TO THE RT.INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAYBOB OPENS AN AIR VENT THE WALL. HE PUTS SUZANNE TO AND HANDS HER THE TRANQUILIZER GUN, MIMG TO HER. SHE NODS,AND STARTS CRAWLG THROUGH THE DUCTWORK, BOB CLOS THEVENT AGA, AND STARTS RIFLG THROUGH A NEARBY CLOSET.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO?! HOWARE WE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE WHOUTTHEM SEEG ?SILENT BOB PULLS A PAIR OF HANGERED COSTUMES OM THE CLOSET,SG.EXT. LOT--DAYTHE SECURY GUARDS PH A CUFFED JASON AND JAM TO AWAG COP CAR. THE PAIR ARE STILL DRSED LIKE JAY ANDSILENT BOB.JAMESYOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUYS!JASONHEY! DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?! I'MTHE PIE-FUCKER.SECURITY GUARD(TO COPS)HE'LL BE THE PIE-- PRISON.INT. SOUNDSTAGE HALLWAY--DAYJAY AND BOB CREEP TOWARD A DOOR (WE DON'T SEE THE OUTFS).JAYTHIS WAS A GOOD IA, LUNCHBOX. INTHE OUTFS WE'RE TOTALLY GNO.SUDNLY, AND A.D. APPEARS, GRABBG THEM BY THE SHOULRS.A.D.MISTER BIGGS? MISTER VAN DER BEEK?GREAT--YOU'VE CHANGED STUMALREADY. LET'S GET YOU TO SET.(PULLG THEM OFF)THE DIRECTOR DON'T LIKE TO BE KEPTWAG.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--BLUNTCAVE SETIT LOOKS LIKE THE BATVE, BUT 'S NOT. OFF TO THE SI,NEAR THE MONOR AND CHAIR SETUP, A BLACK DIRECTOR EYEBALLSTHE HTLG, WHE CREW.DIRECTORLOOK AT ALL THE CRACKERS, SEVENTYLN DOLLARS AND I N'T EVEN GETA BLACK GRIP?A WHE P.A. BRGS A CUP OF LATTE TO THE DIRECTOR.P.A.HERE'S YOUR FFEE, SIR.DIRECTOR(EY THE FFEE)YOU SP THIS? BEE I KNOWALL YOU WHE FOLKS ARE PISSED OFFTHAT THE STUD'D ENTST A MULTI-LN DOLLAR TO A BROTHER.P.A.I DIDN'T SP , SIR.DIRECTORTHEN TASTE ! GO ON!THE P.A. TAK THE CUP AND SIPS OM . HE TRI TO HAND BACK TO THE DIRECTOR.P.A.IT'S ALL GOOD, SIR.DIRECTORNO A'T ALL GOOD. OH, YOU THKI WANT NOW, AFTER YOUR LIPS TOUCHEDTHE CUP? GET THE FUCK OFF MY SET!P.A.YOU THE MAN, SIR.DIRECTORNO YOU THE MAN! AND THAT'S THEPROBLEM!THE DIRECTOR GLAR AT THE SRED P.A., AS HE UTLYSKULKS OFF. BANKY EDWARDS APPROACH.BANKYUH, CHAKA? YEAH, HI--I'M BANKYEDWARDS, THE CREATOR OF BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC. WE MET A FEW WEEKS BACK.I'M THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.DIRECTOR/CHAKAOH--YOU'RE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,HUNH? WELL GO "PRODUCE" ME A LATTENO WHE FOLKS SP --OKAY FUCKY?BANKYBANKY. I JT WANTED YOU TO KNOWTHAT I RPECT YOUR WORK AS AN ARTIST.I'M SOMETHG OF AN ARTIST MYSELF. IWAS THE KER ON THE IC BOOK.CHAKAAN KER? WHAT, LIKE YOU TRACE?BANKY'S FACE DROPS AS THE A.D. JOS THEM.A.D.BIGGS AND VAN DER BEEK ARE ON THET, CHAKA.CHAKAI DON'T SEE 'EM. WHERE ARE THEY?(TO BULLHORN)WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE STARS OF THISPIECE OF SHIT?!ON THE BLUNTVE SET, TWO MASSIVE DOORS OPEN THE FAKEROCK. SMOKE POURS , AND JAY AND SILENT BOB--NOW DRSED ASBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC--STEP OM THE DARKNS. JAY AND BOBSURVEY THE SET, AMAZED.JAYTHIS MT'VE SET 'EM BACK A UPLEHUNDRED BUCKS.CHAKALOOK AT THIS SH.(OFF THEIR OUTFS)A GAY HOOD ORNAMENT, AND THE LORPURPLE.JAYWHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?CHAKAWHO THE FUCK AM I? I'M THE FUCKGDIRECTOR, IS WHO I AM. CHAKA LUTHERKG. THE CREATOR OF ALL OF THIS.JAYWA A SEC--I THOUGHT HOLN ANDBANKY CREATED THIS SH.CHAKAAND I'M STEALG . I'M TAKG BACK FOR ALL THE SH YOU PEOPLEHAVE STOLEN OM ! DID YOU KNOW, IME UP WH THE IA FOR SAMESTREET BEFORE PBS? I WAS GOG TOLL N.W.P.--NIGGAZ WH PUPPETS.(BEAT)ALRIGHT--ENOUGH SMALL TALK. LET'SSHOOT .CHAKA HEADS BACK TOWARD HIS MONOR. JAY AND BOB ARE NFED.JAYWA, WA, WA!! AREN'T YOU GONNADIRECT ?CHAKAI'LL BE DIRECTG YOU TO THE FOODSTAMPS LE AFTER I FIRE YOUR ASS,IF YOU TALK BACK LIKE THAT TO MEAGA!JAYBUT WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSEDTO DO HERE. WE DIDN'T EVEN READ THCRIPT.CHAKASO? NEHER DID I. SH, NEHER DIDTHE STUD.(POTG O.C.)LOOK MAN, 'S NOT HARD. IN THISSCENE, THE BAD GUY BREAKS TO THEBLUNTVE. YOU MAKE UP SOME SH,FIGHT HIM FOR A WHILE, I FILM , IYELL "CUT," AND THEN HEAD BACK TO MYTRAILER, WHERE I GOT MORE WHE WOMENWAG FOR ME THERE THAN THE FIRSTLIFEBOAT OFF THE TANIC!(NFINTIALLY)THEY ALL WANT A PART OF THE MOVIE,AND I GOT JT THE PART FOR 'EM.JAY AND SILENT BOB GO WI-EYED, AS CHAKA HEADS OFF.CHAKALET'S ROLL WITH THE NEW!A.D. (O.S.)QUIET ON THE SET! THIS IS A TAKE!CHAKA CLIMBS BEHD HIS MONOR. THE P.A. IS WAG FOR HIMWH ANOTHER CUP OF FFEE.P.A.I GOT YOU ANOTHER CUP OF FFEE,SIR. SP EE.CHAKA SMACKS THE FFEE OUT OF HIS HAND AND SS DOWN.THE CLAPPER/LOAR JUMPS ONT OF THE STARTLED JAY ANDBOB, GETTG READY. AFTER A BEAT, HE TURNS TO SILENT BOB.CLAPPER/LOADERI JT WANNA SAY THAT I LOVED WHENYOU FUCKED THAT PIE.(LLG OFF)BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK,SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN, TAKE ONE!THE CLAPPER/LOAR SHUTS THE CLAPBOARD AND RAC OFF. FROMBEHD THE MONOR,CHAKA LLS OUT--CHAKAACTION!JAY AND BOB (AS BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC) LOOK AT EACH OTHER FORA BEAT. THEN--JAY/CHRONICUH--SNOOTCHIE BOOTCHI.SUDNLY, THE WALL TO THEIR LEFT EXPLOS. JAY AND BOB HTHE CK. THROUGH THE SMOKG BBLE STEPS COCK-KNOCKER--THEARCH--NEMIS OF BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC. HE'S A NORMAL-LOOKGMAN WH HUGE, OVERGROWN FISTS.JAY/CHRONICWHAT THE FUCK?COCK-KNOCKERYOU THOUGHT I'D NEVER FD YOURPREC BLUNTVE, DID YOU, HEMPKNIGHT? BUT NOW YOU AND YOUR SIKICKARE FALLY THE GRASP OF COCK-KNOCKER!JAY/CHRONICWHY DO THEY LL YOU "COCK-KNOCKER"?COCK-KNOCKER SLAMS ONE OF HIS HUGE FISTS TO JAY'S BALLS.JAY DROPS TO HIS KNE, WAILG. COCK-KNOCKER THEN PULLS AVIBRATOR-LOOKG VICE OM HIS PE. HE PRS A BUTTONON AND A LASER BEAM RIS OUT OF THE VIBRATOR, LIKE ALIGHT SABER.COCK-KNOCKERANY LAST WORDS BEFORE I BT YOURBALLS, BLUNTMAN?SILENT BOB QUICKLY LOOKS RIGHT, THEN LEFT. HIS EY FALL ON--A WALL OF ARMAMENTS, ON WHICH HANDS A SILVER BONG, UNR THEPLARD: BONG SABER--EXTREMELY EXPERIMENTAL. DO NOT USE.IT'S OUT OF HIS REACH.SILENT BOB CLOS HIS EY, NCENTRATG. HE REACHED HISHAND OUT TO THE BONG SABER, ATTEMPTG THE JEDI MD TRICK.SUDNLY, THE BONG SNAPS OM THE ARMORY TO BOB'S GRIP.THE BONG SABER BLASTS TO LIFE AND BOB STRIK A FENSIVEPOSE. BOB SH THE ASTONISHED COCK-KNOCKER AND THE PAIRSTART LIGHT SABER DUELG.CHAKA(OM BEHD MONOR)DAMN! NOW THAT WAS ONE SPECIAL EFFECT!THIS PICTURE'S GONNA MAKE HOE PARTYLOOK LIKE HOE PARTY TWO!A.D.OR HOE PARTY THREE?CHAKASHUT THE FUCK UP!COCK-KNOCKER BATTL BOB BACK. HE VOGU SOME IMPRSIVEBLA HANDLG, PROMPTG BOB TO MAKE A N FOR --UP THELADR OF THE BONG REACTOR AND OVER COCK-KNOCKER'S HEAD. HELANDS BEHD COCK-KNOCKER, STRIKG ANOTHER POSE. COCK-KNOCKER THEN HIGH- KICKS BOB THE FACE, KNOCKG HIM ONHIS ASS ACROSS THE FLOOR. COCK-KNOCKER SHERS OVER TO LIVERA SABER KILL-SHOT, WHEN WE HEAR--JAY (O.S.)YO-BITCH-FISTS!COCK-KNOCKER TURNS TO SEE--JAY, STANDG ON THE ROTATG MONOR STATN, HOLDG ADOUBLE-SID SABER. HE CLICKS AND TWO BEAMS EM (A LATHE DARTH ML LIGHT SABER EPISO ONE).JAYCALL ME DARTH BALLS. BUNNGG.JAY LEAPS AT COCK-KNOCKER, WIELDG THE DOUBLE-BEAMED BONGSABER.CHAKA(OM BEHD THEMONOR)I THK GEE LUS IS GOG TO SUOMEBODY--EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYWILLENHOLLY'S R SCREECH UP, AND WILLENHOLLY JUMPS WH ASHOTGUN. HE SLIS ACROSS THE HOOD OF THE R AND LANDS BITHE FLASHG RED LIGHT.WILLENHOLLY(LOOKG AROUND)SO, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD?(SUDNLY FULL OFPURPOSE)LIGHTS, MERA, ACTN, JAY AND SILENTBOB.WILLENHOLLY CKS HIS SHOTGUN AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYTHE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, AND WILLENHOLLY CHARG , FIRG TWOSHOTS, O.C.WILLENHOLLYFREEZE YOU TERRORIST SONSABITCHES!!!WILLENHOLLY GO WI-EYED.IT'S NOT BLUNTVE. WE'RE ON A DIFFERENT SOUNDSTAGE, WHERE AKID'S MOVIE'S BEG SHOT: MOOBY'S GRAND ADVENTURE. THERE'S ABARNEY-SIZED MOOBY SURROUND BY LTLE KIDS. THE KIDS STAREBACK AT WILLENHOLLY TERRIFIED. THE MOOBY SU HAS SMOKGBULLET HOL . MOOBY LLAPS.WILLENHOLLYOH MY GOD--(TO KIDS)UM--SORRY. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AWARNG SHOT. UH-- LOOKS LIKE I'MON THE WRONG, UH--WRONG SET.THE KIDS LOOK AT THE FALLEN MOOBY. ON LOOKS ANGRILY AT THEO.C. WILLENHOLLY.KIDYOU KILLED MOOBY--(TO KIDS)LET'S GET HIM!!!THE KIDS CHARGE WILLENHOLLY, WHO SCREAMS LIKE A WOMAN ASHE'S ATTACKED.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAMEJAY ATTACKS COCK-KNOCKER WH HIS BONG SABER, FULL THROTTLE.COCK-KNOCKER(BREAKG CHARACTER)YOU ARE NOT UPSTAGG ME, VAN DERBEEK!JAY WHACKS AWAY HAPPILY AT THE ACTOR PLAYG COCK-KNOCKER,HACKG HIM UP ONTO THE LADR OF THE BLUNTVE'S NUCLEARREACTOR. COCK-KNOCKER CLIMBS THE LADR SLIGHTLY TO EVATHE ATTACK, DUELG JAY BACK WH THE SABER HIS OTHERHAND.COCK-KNOCKER(TO O.C. CHAKA)CHAKA--CALL OFF DAWSON! GIVE ME A"CUT"!ON CUE, JAY LIVERS A KILL-SHOT TO ONE OF COCK-KNOCKER'SHUGE FISTS, CUTTG OFF (A LA EMPIRE).SILENT BOB JOS JAY, AS JAY TURNS OFF THIS DOUBLE-BONG SABER,JAY GRS AT COCK-KNOCKER.JAYNOW WHOSE BALLS HAVE BEEN BTED,BCH?SUDNLY, A GUN SHOT RGS OUT.ALL TURN TO SEE A ROUGHED-UP WILLENHOLLY, TRAG HIS GUNFIRST ON JAY, THEN BOB.WILLENHOLLYTHE C.L.I.T. STOPS HERE, JAY ANDSILENT BOB!(REVEALG BADGE:LLG OUT)EVERYONE STAY LM. I'M A FERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL. THE MEN ARE THELEARS OF A TERRORIST ANIZATNWANTED FOR THE ABDUCTN OF A MONKEY.VOICE (O.S.)THEY DIDN'T REALLY STEAL THAT MONKEY.ALL TURN TO SEE JTICE APPROACHG OM THE SHADOWS.WILLENHOLLY TRAS HIS GUN ON HER. JAY'S MOUTH DROPS.JUSTICEIT WAS JT A DIVERSN SO WE ULDSTEAL THE.JTICE PULLS THE BAG OF DIAMONDS OM HER JACKET, REVEALGTHEM.JUSTICEAND THEY'RE NOT THE LEARS OFC.L.I.T. THE C.L.I.T. IS NOT REAL.WILLENHOLLYNO--THE CL'S REAL. THE FEMALE ASMIS A MYTH.JUSTICE(TO JAY)ARE YOU GUYS ALRIGHT?JAYI THOUGHT YOU BLEW UP, BOO BOO KTYFUCK.JUSTICE(SG)YOU REMEMBERED.(BACK TO BS)IT WAS A AME-UP, JAY. SISSY. MISSY,CHRISSY, AND I ARE TERNATNALJEWEL THIEV. WE WERE SETTG YOUUP AS A PATSY, BUT I ULDN'T GOTHROUGH WH , BEE I... BEEI LOVE YOU.JAYYEAH? SO THAT MEANS YOU'LL FUCK ME,RIGHT?VOICE (O.S.)IF SHE DO, 'LL BE NSIREDNECROPHILIA.ALL TURN TO SEE SISSY, MISSY, AND CHRISSY SLKG OM THHADOWS, GUNS DRAWN.SISSYBEE SHE'S GONNA BE ONE AD BCH.(TO JTICE)HI, JSY. WE TCH YOU AT A BADTIME?MISSYYOU SHOULD'VE JT LET THE GUYS GODOWN, JSY.JAYHEY, I WANTED TO GO DOWN, BUT I WASWAG UNTIL I GOT TO KNOW HER ALTLE BETTER. SEE, THERE WAS THISLTLE ANGEL ON MY SHOULR, AND HAID--CHRISSYSHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SHOOT YOUWHERE YOU STAND YOUR PANSY REDBOOTI.JAY(LOOKG DOWN)HOLY SH, I AM WEARG PANSY REDBOOTI!(TO BOB)MAN--WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELLME?SISSYLET'S HAVE THOSE DIAMONDS, JSY.JUSTICEI N'T DO THAT, SISSYSISSY(POTS HER GUN ATJAY)THEN LOVER--BOY GETS ONE THE BRA.CHAKAYO!ALL TURN TO LOOK AT CHAKA.CHAKAWOULD ANY OF YOU LOVELY LADI LIKEA PRIVATE DN TO BE MY MOVIE?JTICE HIGH-KICKS THE GUN OUT OF SISSY'S HAND. IT LANDS ONTHE GROUND DISCHARGG. THEN EVERYONE STARTS SHOOTG ANDNNG FOR VER.JAY AND SILENT BOB HURL THEMSELV OVER THE BLUNTMOBILE.MISSY AND CHRISSY FLIP OVER A LAVISH, EXQUISELY-PACKEDCRAFT SERVICE TABLE LABELED. CAST. THEY POP BACK UP AND STARTFIRG AT WILLENHOLLY. WILLENHOLLY LEAPS BEHD A BARRENCRAFT SERVICE TABLE THAT HOLDS A BAG OF SMARTI AND A NTEDN OF RC COLA. HE POPS UP AND RETURNS FIRE. WHEN BOTH AREOUT OF BULLETS, THEY DROP BACK DOWN BEHD THE TABLE ANDRELOAD. FROM BEHD HIS TABLE,WILLENHOLLY YELLS--WILLENHOLLYWHY ARE YOU SHOOTING AT ME?!?! I'MJUST A FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL!!!CHRISSYTWO REASONS: ONE--WE'RE WALKING,TALKING BAD GIRLS, CLICHES!MISSYAND TWO: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN.WILLENHOLLYONLY ON THE OUTSIDE!THE GIRLS AND WILLENHOLLY BOTH POP BACK UP AND OPEN FIREAGA.CHAKA DUCKS BEHD THE MONOR.CHAKAA SHLOAD OF WHE PEOPLE WH GUNS?TIME TO GET MY BLACK ASS OUT OF HERE!HE RAC OFF, PASSG JTICE AND SISSY, WHO CIRCLE EACHOTHER FENSIVELY, STRIKG KUNG FU POS.SISSYYOU REALLY LET ME DOWN, JTICE.THROWG ALL AWAY FOR A LTLTONER WH BAD PRONUNCIATN.JAY (O.S.)HEY!JUSTICE(IGNORG HIM)WHAT'S GONNA BE, SISSY? WHICHFIGHTG STYLE DO YOU WANT ME TOKICK YOUR ASS ?SISSYARE YOU KIDDG ME? I TGHT YOU ALLALL YOUR MOV MYSELF. THERE'S NOT ASTYLE YOU N BT THAT I N'T FENDAGAST.JUSTICEYOU'RE NO MATCH FOR MY "SHAOL MONK."SISSYYEAH, BUT I N BURY YOU WH MY"CROUCHG TIGER."JUSTICEA LTLE "VEN'S--FLYTRAP"?SISSYI'LL UNTER WH "DRAGON CRANE."JUSTICEHOW ABOUT A LTLE "BCH, MY MANA'T YO BABY'S DADDY"?SISSY(BEAT; S)BRG ON.JTICE SH SISSY AND STEAD OF SLEEK KUNG FU, THEY LNCHTO A DOWN-AND-DIRTY, GIRL'S T-FIGHT; HAIR PULLG ANDSCREAMG.BEHD THE BLUNTMOBILE, JAY AND BOB WATCH ALL THE ACTN.JAYYO--I HOPE ONE OF 'EM RIPS THE OTHERONE'S SHIRT OFF AND WE SEE SOME T.BOTH BOB AND JAY SE AT EACH OTHER, NODDG. BANKY JOSTHEM, CRAWLG ON HIS BELLY, VERG HIS HEAD.BANKYMISTER BIGGS? MISTER VAN DER BEEK? IJT WANTED TO SAY HI. I'M--JAYBANKY FUCKG EDWARDS! JT THEMOTHERFUCKER WE ME TO SEE!BANKY(SHOCKED)HOLY SH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUGUYS DOG HERE?!SISSY HAS JTICE ON HER BELLY, BANGG HER FACE TO THEFLOOR, SCREECHG. JAY, BOB, AND BANKY NTUE.BANKYSTOP THE MOVIE?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!JAYALL THE ASSHOL ARE LLG NAM ON THE INTER, 'E OFTHIS STUPID MOVIE!BANKYI FEEL FOR YOU BOYS--I REALLY DO.THOSE NET SNIPERS N BE REALLY CEL.BUT MIRAMAX PAID ME A SHLOAD OFMONEY FOR BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC, SO OCCURS TO ME THAT PEOPLE BAD-MOUTHG YOU ON SOME WEB-SE ISNONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!SILENT BOBOH--BUT I THK IS.BANKY STAR AT SILENT BOB, AGOG, JAY ROLLS HIS EY.JAYHERE WE GO AGA--SILENT BOBSHUT THE FUCK UP.(TO BANKY)WE HAD A AL WH YOU ON THE ICSFOR LIKENS RIGHTS. AND AS WE'RENOT ONLY THE ARTISTIC BASIS BUT ALSOTHE CHARACTER BASIS FOR YOURTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC, WHEN WE SAID PROPERTY WASOPTNED BY MIRAMAX FILMS YOU WERELEGALLY OBLIGED TO SECURE OURPERMISSN TO TRANSFER THE NCEPTTO ANOTHER MEDIUM. AS YOU FAILED TODO THAT, YOU'RE BREACH OF THEORIGAL NTRACT--ERGO, YOU FDYOURSELF A VERY ACTNABLEPOSN.BANKY STAR AT BOB, EVEN MORE AGOG, JOED BY JAY. AFTER ABEAT, JAY ADDS--JAYYEAH.JTICE NOW HAS THE ADVANTAGE OVER SISSY, HOLDG HER HEADAND KICKG HER THE FACE, REPEATEDLY, SCREAMG.BANKYSO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT, TO GOAWAY AND TAKE YOUR LADY IENDS WHYOU?JAYSHN THIS MOVIE SO WE DON'T GETLLED NAM ON THE INTER ANYMORE.BANKYEVEN IF THERE'S NO MOVIE, PEOPLE ARTILL EE TO TALK SH ABOUT YOU ONTHE INTER. THAT'S WHAT THEINTER'S FOR: SLANRG OTHERSANONYMOLY. STOPPG THE FLICKISN'T GOG TO STOP THAT!IN THE BACKGROUND, WE SEE JTICE HIGH-KICK SISSY TO THEAIR.JAYWELL THIS ISN'T FAIR! WE WENT TOHOLLYWOOD, I FELL LOVE, WE STOLEA MONKEY, WE GOT SHOT AT, AND GOTPUNCHED THE MOTHERFUCKG NUTS!WE A'T LEAVG EMPTY-HAND!ON CUE, SISSY DROPS OM ABOVE, LANDG JAY'S LAP.JAYWHAT'S UP BABY? YOU LOOK GOOD!BANKYISN'T THAT YOUR GIRLIEND'S ENEMY?JAYOH YEAH.(PHG SISSY OFFHIM)GET THE FUCK OFFA ME, PIG!SISSY RAC AT JTICE, LEAPG ATOP HER, PULLG HER HAIR.JAY, BOB, AND BANKY NTUE.BANKYYOU GUYS ARE GONNA MY MOVIEREER.JAYWELL, WE WANT SOMETHG FOR OUR MENTALANGUISH.BANKYTELL YOU WHAT: WE'LL SETTLE THISMOARILY. I'LL GIVE YOU HALF OFWHAT I MA.JAYHALF?!?BANKYHALF'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH? FE--I'LLGIVE YOU TWO-THIRDS OF WHAT I MA!JAYFUCK-YOU--YOU ALREADY SAID HALF? YOUN'T TAKE BACK!SILENT BOB ROLLS HIS EY, BANKY SHAK JAY'S HAND.BANKYDONEJTICE THROWS SISSY OFF, ONTO THE FLOOR. BOTH GET UP, FACGEACH OTHER.SISSYYOUR SH IS SO TIRED, JTICE!JUSTICECALL ME BOO-BOO KTY FUCK--BITCH!JTICE HIGH-KICKS SISSY AND SHE GO FLYG ACROSS THE STAGE.SISSY SAILS TOWARD THE CRAFT SERVICE TABLE, LANDG ATOPMISSY AND CHRISSY, KNOCKG THEM OUT.WILLENHOLLY STANDS TO SEE WHY THE GIRLS STOPPED SHOOTG.WILLENHOLLYHELLO? TCE?(BEAT)I THK I KILLED BOTH OF THEM.SUDNLY, HE LETS OUT A SHRIEK AND FALLS FORWARD, REVEALGA TRANQUILIZER DART HIS ASS, AND SUZANNE STANDG BEHDHIM, HOLDG THE GUN UP THE AIR. JTICE SURVEYS HERHANDIWORK FOR A BEAT, THEN LLS OFF TOWARD THE BLUNTMOBILE.JUSTICEC'MON GUYS. IT'S OVER.JAY, BOB, AND BANKY POP UP OM BEHD THE R AND JO HER.JAYYO, I WAS JT ABOUT TO JUMP THEREAND GET YOUR BACK.THEN, THE SOUND OF SIRENS RGS OUT THE DISTANCE.JAYHOLY SH, THE PS! WE GOTTA GETOUT OF HERE!JUSTICENO. I'M TIRED OF NNG.JTICE LIFTS WILLENHOLLY TO A STG POSN AND TAPSHIS FACE.JUSTICEYOU AWAKE, MARSHAL? MARSHAL?WILLENHOLLY(TRI TO MOVE BUTN'T)OH MY GOD, I'M PARALYZED. THE MONKEYSHOT ME THE ASS AND PARALYZED ME!OH THE IRONY!JUSTICE(OFF SUZANNE'S GUN)YOU'RE NOT PARALYZED. IT WAS JT ATRANQUILIZER.WILLENHOLLYJ! TRANQUED BY A LTLE MONKEY!MY IENDS THE BURE ARE NEVERGONNA LET ME LIVE THIS DOWN!JUSTICEYOU HAVE IENDS THE F.B.I.?WILLENHOLLY(CRYG)THEY ALL MA , BUT I FAILEDTHE EXAM. WHY THE HELL ELSE DO YOUTHK I BEME A FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL? 'CSE I'M A JOKE!JTICE LOOKS TOWARD THE DIRECTN OF THE SIRENS, THKG.THEN--JUSTICEMAYBE NOT. I N MAKE YOU A ALTHAT'LL GET YOU TO THE F.B.I.,REGARDLS OF TT SR.WILLENHOLLYWHAT KD OF AL?JUSTICEYOU DROP THE CHARG AGAST JAY ANDSILENT BOB AND SAY YOU NEVER FOUNDTHE APE. MAKE SURE THE WORLD KNOWSTHEY'RE NOT NTROL OF ANY C.L.I.T.JAYNOW WA A SEND--JUSTICEI'LL EXPLA LATER, JAY(TO WILLENHOLLY)IN EXCHANGE, I'LL GIVE YOU THEDIAMONDS I STOLE, AND TURN SISSY,MISSY, CHRISSY, AND MYSELF. BUT IWANT A RCED SENTENCE.WILLENHOLLYYOU'D BE WILLG TO DO THAT?JUSTICE(OFF JAY)FOR HIM? I'D BE WILLG TO DOANYTHG.JTICE STANDS AND TAK JAY BY THE HANDS.JUSTICEI'M AN TERNATNAL JEWEL THIEFWHO'S FACG A JAIL SENTENCE.JAYTHAT'S ALRIGHT. I'M A JUNKIE WH AMONKEY.JUSTICEIF I GO TO PRISON, WILL YOU WA FORME?JAYI DON'T KNOW. WILL WE FUCK WHEN YOUGET OUT?JTICE S AND KISS JAY PASSNATELY. THE KISS SHOULDSAY ALL, BUT--JAYDON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. WILL WEFUCK WHEN YOU GET OUT?JUSTICESNOOGANS.JTICE AND JAY KISS AGA.SUZANNE REACHED UP TO SILENT BOB, WHO PICKS HER UP. SHE GRABSHIS FACE AND KISS HIM.WILLENHOLLY LOOKS TO BANKY.WILLENHOLLYWOW. THERE'S A LOT OF LOVE THEROOM.BANKYREGARDLS OF WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD.I DO NOT KISS GUYS.EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--LATERJTICE AND JAY ARE STILL KISSG, UNTIL WILLENHOLLY PULLSHER AWAY AND LOADS HER TO THE WAG COP CAR.WILLENHOLLYSORRY, JTICE. WE'VE GOTTA GO.(TO JAY: IENDLY)HEY--STOP STEALG MONKEYS.JAYFUCK YOU.WILLENHOLLYFAIR ENOUGH.WILLENHOLLY CLOS THE DOOR BEHD JTICE AND GETS THER.JUSTICE(TO JAY)WA FOR ME.JAYWHAT--HERE?JAY LOOKS AT JTICE, NFED, AS THE CISER PULLS AWAY,LEAVG JAY, BOB, SUZANNE, AND BANKY. THEY START WALKGDOWN THE LOT.BANKYWELL, BOYS--YOU'RE RICH LOVE--(DITG JAY)WELL, YOU'RE LOVE. AND TO TOPTHAT OFF, YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN MONKEY.WHAT MORE ULD TWO GUYS OM JERSEYPOSSIBLY WANT?JAYALL THOSE FUCKS TO STOP TALKG SHABOUT ON THE INTER, FORSTARTERS.BANKYWHAT DO I KEEP TELLG YOU? THERE'SNOT MUCH YOU N DO TO STOP THAT.WELL, SHORT OF SHOWG UP AT ALLTHEIR HO AND BEATG THE SHOUT OF THEM, I GUS.JAY AND BOB SUDNLY EEZE. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER ANDSE.JAY(TO BOB)YOU KNOW--WH ALL THAT MONEY WE'REGONNA MAKE WE N BUY A LOTTA PLAICKETS.START THE JAY AND BOB KICKASS MONTAGEEXT. SKY--DAYA PASSENGER JET FLI THROUGH THE SKY.EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAYJAY AND BOB STAND ACROSS THE STREET OM A HOE. THEY CHECKTHE ADDRS ON THE BIG REAM OF PAPER THEY'RE RRYG, NODAT EACH OTHER, AND CROSS THE STREET.INT. HOUSE--DAYTHE DOORBELL RGS. A MOTHER ANSWERS TO SEE JAY AND SILENTBOB STANDG THE DOORWAY.MOTHERCAN I HELP YOU?JAYY. MA'AM, DO--(READG OF PAPER)WILLIAM DKY LIVE HERE?MOTHERY. HE'S MY SON.JAYMAY WE TALK TO HIM, PLEASE.MOTHERONE MOMENT.SHE WALKS AWAY. AFTER A BEAT, A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD KID TO THE DOOR.KIDYEAH?JAYYO--DO YOU POST AS--(READG OFF PAPER)MAGNOLIA-FAN ON MOVIE POOP KIDYEAH.JAYAND DID YOU WRE "FUCK JAY AND SILENTBOB. FUCK THEM UP THEIR STUPID ASS?KIDYEAH, A WHILE AGO. SO?JAY AND BOB NOD AT EACH OTHER, THEN GRAB THE KID, PULL HIMOUTSI, AND START BEATG THE SH OUT OF HIM ON HIS ONTLAWN.EXT. SKY--DAYTHE PASSENGER JET FLI AGA, THIS TIME THE OPPOSEDIRECTN.EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE--DAYJAY AND BOB KNOCKG AT ANOTHER DOOR. ANOTHER MOTHER ANSWERS.THEY SPEAK, SHE HEADS SI, AND ANOTHER KID TO THEDOOR.JAYON MOVIE POOP DID YOU SAYJAY AND SILENT BOB--(READG OFF PAPER)"--ARE FUCKG CLOWN SHO. IF THEYWERE REAL, I'D BEAT THE SH OUT OFTHEM FOR BEG SO STUPID."KID(CHUCKLG)YEAH.JAYREALLY--AGA, JAY AND BOB PULL THE KID OUTSI AND BEAT THE SHOUT OF HIM.INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A CLERK.EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A WOMAN.EXT. RECTORY--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A PRIEST.INT. OFFICE--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A BUSINESSMAN.EXT. MOVIE THEATRE--NIGHTTHE MARQUEE READS: JASON BIGGS AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK AREBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC!WORLD PREMIERE!THE ONT DOORS OPEN AND THE CROWD LETS OUT. FIRST WE SEEDANTE AND RANDAL.RANDALNOW THAT WAS WORSE THEN CLASH OF THETANS.DANTEI STILL N'T BELIEVE JUDY DENCHPLAYED ME.RANDALHEY--REMD ME TO RENEW THATRTRAG ORR.DANTEWHY?RANDALBEE I'M GONNA BLAST THE FLICK ONTHE INTER TONIGHT.STEVE-DAVE AND WALT EX.STEVE-DAVEWHY N'T HOLLYWOOD EVER MAKE A CENTIC BOOK MOVIE?WALTTELL'EM STEVE-DAVE!STEVE-DAVEWOULD YOU STOP SAYG THAT?ALYSSA AND TRISH E OUT.TRISHWELL, THAT WAS JT ANOTHER PAEAN TOMALE ADOLCENCE AND S REFAL TOGROW UP.ALYSSAYEAH, SIS--BUT WAS BETTER THANMALLRATS. AT LEAST HOLN HAD THEGOOD SENSE TO KEEP HIS NAME OFF OF.TRISHWHY WOULDN'T MIRAMAX OPTN HIS OTHERIC STEAD? YOU KNOW--THE ONE HEDREW ABOUT YOU AND HIM AND YOURRELATNSHIP?ALYSSAYOU MEAN CHASG AMY? THAT WOULDNEVER WORK AS A MOVIE.BANKY AND HOOPER EX.BANKYI'M SO FUCKG EMBARRASSED--HOOPERHONEY, YOU SHOULD BE. THEY TOOK YOURCHARACTERS AND RCED THEM TO ONENETY-MUTE-LONG-GAY JOKE. IT WASLIKE WATCHG BATMAN AND ROB AGA.BANKYTHANKS. THAT MEANS A LOT G OMTHE GUY WHO PRETENDS TO BE SHAFT ASOPPOSED TO THE GUY WHO TAK SHAFT.HOOPERI DON'T HEAR YOU PLAG NIGHTLY.IN FACT, THE ONLY THG I DO HEARYOU SAY IS "Y, HOOPER! CRADLE THEBALLS AND WORK THE SHAFT!"BANKY(LOOKG AROUND)HEY! HEY! WHAT'D WE SAY? NOT PUBLIC!A GUY BEHD THEM LLS OUT TO BANKS.GUYNICE MOVIE, YOU FUCKG TRACER!BANKY(REGNIZG HIM)YOU--!GUYTHAT'S RIGHT, YOU SONOVABCH! I'MBACK FOR ROUND TWO!BANKY GRABS THE GUY BY THE THROAT AND STARTS CHOKG HIM,WHILE HOOPER TRI TO BREAK THEM UP.WILLENHOLLY EXS WH JTICE HAND-AND LEG CUFFS AND APRISON UNIFORM. THEY'RE FLANKED BY TWO ARMED PRISON GUARDS.WILLENHOLLYYOU KNOW, I DON'T GET OUT TO THEMOVI MUCH. BUT I'D HAVE TO SAYBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC WAS BLUNT-TASTIC!JUSTICEARE THE LEG CUFFS REALLY NECSARY?WILLENHOLLYDON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU, JTICE.AND FALLY, JAY AND SILENT BOB E OUT.JAYYO! THE PARTY'S ACROSS THE STREET,FEATURING THE GREATEST BAND IN THEWORLD: MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME!!!WHIP PAN TO MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME ON STAGE, PERFORMG"THE BIRD." DURG THE SONG, MORRIS POTS TO--JAY AND BOB, WHO ARE DANCG WH SUZANNE AND JTICE (WHO'SSTILL CUFFS, FLANKED BY THE GUARDS). JAY LOOKS TO BOB,THEY NOD AT EACH OTHER AND--JAY AND SILENT BOB, JO MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME ONSTAGE,AND DANCE OUT TO THE DA, WHICH READS--CODABLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK WENT ON TO MAKE A MERE 2.3LN AT THE BOX OFFICE. IT WAS THE BIGGT MERCIALFAILURE THE HISTORY OF MIRAMAX FILMS. THE FILM WAS ROUNDLYDBBED AS A BAD IA BY THE NIZENS OF THE INTER CHATBOARDS, AND OVER THE URSE OF THE NEXT YEAR, WHILE THEYWAED FOR THE QUICK STOP RTRAG ORR TO EXPIRE, JAYAND SILENT BOB TRACKED THEM ALL DOWN AND BEAT THE SH OUTOF THEM.CREDITS. THEN--INT. NOWHEREA FAIAR WOMAN CLOS A BOOK THAT'S MARKED: THE VIEWASKEWNIVERSE. SHE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, S AT AND SKIPSOFF.THE ENDEMBEDCANCELHOW TO FORMAT LYRICS:TYPE OUT ALL LYRICS, EVEN REPEATG SONG PARTS LIKE THE CHOSLYRICS SHOULD BE BROKEN DOWN TO DIVIDUAL LUSE SECTN HEARS ABOVE DIFFERENT SONG PARTS LIKE [VERSE], [CHOS], ETC.USE ALICS (<I>LYRIC</I>) AND BOLD (<B>LYRIC</B>) TO DISTGUISH BETWEEN DIFFERENT VOLISTS THE SAME SONG PARTIF YOU DON’T UNRSTAND A LYRIC, E [?]TO LEARN MORE, CHECK OUT OUR TRANSCRIPTN GUI OR VIS OUR TRANSCRIBERS FOMABOUT

JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (SCRIPT)KEV SMH1 VIEWER13.8K VIEWS6 CONTRIBUTORSJAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (SCRIPT) LYRICSJAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACKSCREENPLAY BYKEV SMHOVER BLACK WE SEE:CHYRONA LONG TIME AGO, ONT OF A NVENIENCE STORE FAR, FARAWAY--EXT. QUICK STOP YEARS AGO--DAYWE FADE IN ON THE BLOCK OF STOR (QUICK STOP/RST), OMSOMETIME AGO, IN FACT, RST ISN'T RST; 'S THE RECORD RACK --A 45'S STORE WH HEAD SHOP PARAPHERNALIA THE WDOW. AWHE-TRASH MOTHER (MAYBE SEVENTEEN) WEARG A BASEBALL P TO AME RRYG A CHUBBY BABY. THE BABY WEARS ANOVERSIZED T-SHIRT UNR WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LTLE BATHROBE,AND MSILY EATS A CHOCOLATE BAR. THERE ARE FOOD STAMPS THE MOTHER'S HANDS.MOTHERBOBBY-BOY STAY HERE WHILE MOMMY PICKSUP THE EE CHEE, 'KAY?SHE LOOKS UP AT THE BRIGHT SUN, SHIELDG HER EY SLIGHTLY,THEN LOOKS BACK AT THE BABY ON THE GROUND. SHE TAK OFF HERBASEBALL P AND PLAC ON THE BABY.MOTHERTHIS'LL KEEP THE SUN OUT OF YOUREY. YOU BE GOOD NOW.SHE WALKS AWAY, LEAVG THE BABY STG AGAST THE WALL.WH THE BACKWARDS BASEBALL P AND THE CHOLATE AROUND HISMOUTH FORMG SOMETHG THAT REMBL A BEARD, THE KID LOOKSKD OF FAIAR.THEN, ANOTHER MOTHER (ALSO VERY YOUNG) CKED OUT A KISSNCERT SHIRT OM YEARS GONE BY AND HUGE, FEATHERED HAIRENTERS, WH A BLACK SKULLP WEARG BABY SLUNG AT HER HIP.SHE SE THE FIRST BABY, STG AGAST THE WALL AND SETSHER BABY DOWN BI HIM.MOTHERDON'T FUCKG MOVE, YOU LTLE SH-MACHE. MOMMY'S GONNA TRY TO SRE.A PASSERBY ENTERS, HEADG TOWARD THE NVENIENCE STORE. HETAK NOTE OF THE BABI AND THE MOTHER HEADG TO THERERD STORE, AND THEN STOPS AND ADDRS HER, DISGTED.PASSERBYEXCE ME--WHO'S WATCHG THEBABI?MOTHERTHE FAT ONE'S WATCHG THE LTLEONE.PASSERBYOH, NICE PARENTG.(WALKG AWAY)LEAVE'EM OUT HERE LIKE THAT AND SEEWHAT HAPPENS.THE PASSERBY WALKS AWAY. THE MOTHER FLIPS HIM THE BIRD.MOTHERFUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE!PASSERBY(WAVG HER OFF)AH, KEEP ON TCK'.MOTHER(TO BABY)D'JOU HEAR THE CRAZY FUCK TELL' MEHOW TO FUCK' RAISE YOU?MOTHERFUCKER, MAN! WHO'S HE FUCKGTHK HE IS? WHAT'S THE WORSE FUCK'THG ULD HAPPEN TO YOU STGOUTSI THE FUCK' STOR? FUCK!THE DOOR CLOS, AND THE BABI S THERE QUIETLY FOR A BEAT.THEN, THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THE LARGER ONE SAYS NOTHG.THE SMALLER ONE SAYS--BABYFUCK, FUCK, FUCK...DISSOLVE TO:THE PRESENTJAY AND SILENT BOB STAND WHERE THE BABI SAT. THE RERDRACK IS NOW RST VIDEO.JAY IS MID-CHANT.JAY(AS A CHANT)--FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, MOTHER-MOTHERFUCK, MOTHER-MOTHER FUCK-FUCK! MOTHER-FUCK-, MOTHER-FUCK, MOTHER-FUCK,NOCH, NOCH, NOCH, SMOKG WEED,SMOKG WEED, DOG KE, DRKGBEERS! DRKG BEERS, BEERS, BEERS,ROLLG FATTI, SMOKG BLUNTS! WHOSMOK THE BLUNTS? WE SMOKE THEBLUNTS!A PAIR OF TEENS APPROACH THEM.TEEN 1LEMME GET A NICKEL BAG.JAYFIFTEEN BUCKS, LTLE MAN. PUT THATSH MY HAND. IF THE MONEY DONOT SHOW, THEN YOU OWE-ME-OWE-ME-OWE.(CHANGG UP TO MORRISDAY)MY JUNGLE LOVE! Y, OH-WE-OH-WE-OH!I THK I WANT TO KNOW YA', KNOW YA'--TEEN 1(DIGGG POCKETS)WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SGG?JAYYOU DON'T KNOW "JUNGLE LOVE"? THATSH IS THE MAD NOT. WRTEN BYGOD HERSELF AND HAND DOWN TO THEWORLD'S GREATT BAND--THEMOTHERFUCKG TIME.TEEN 2THE GUYS THAT PRCE MOVIE?TEEN 1PURPLE RA.TEEN 2MAN, THAT SH WAS SO GAY--FUCKGEIGHTI STYLE.JAY SUDNLY GRABS THE KID BY THE THROAT, THROWG HIM AGASTTHE WALL.JAYBCH, DON'T YOU NEVER SAY AN UNKDWORD ABOUT THE TIME! ME AND SILENTBOB MOLED OUR WHOLE FUCKG LIVAFTER MORRIS DAY AND JEROME! I'M ASMOOTH PIMP WHO LOV THE PSY, ANDTUBBY HERE'S MY BLACK MANSERVANT!JT THEN, RANDAL EXS THE VIO STORE, LOCKG THE DOORBEHD HIM.RANDALWHAT'D I TELL YOU TWO ABOUT ALG ONT OF THE STORE? DROP THE KIDAND PEDDLE YOUR WAR SOMEPLACE ELSE,BURN-BOY.(WALKG AWAY)AND FOR THE RERD, THE TIME SUCKEDASS.HE EXS. JAY, SILENT BOB, AND THE TEENS WATCH HIM GO. AFTERA BEAT--JAYYO-YOE GUYS WANNA HEAR SOMETHGFUCKED UP ABOUT HIM AND THE QUICKSTOP GUY?INT. QUICK STOP-DAYRANDAL JOS DANTE BEHD THE UNTER. DANTE RGS UP ACTOMER, A HALF-EATEN SUBMARE SANDWICH STG ON THEUNTER. RANDAL GRABS , TAK A BE, AND STARTS READG ANEWSPAPER.RANDALHEY, N'T WE DO SOMETHG ABOUTTHOSE TWO STONERS HANGG AROUNDOUTSI ALL THE TIME?DANTEWHY? WHAT'D THEY DO NOW?RANDALI'M TRYG TO WATCH CLASH OF THETANS, AND ALL I N HEAR IS THETWO THEM SCREAMG ABOUT MORRIS DAYAT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.DANTEI THOUGHT THE FAT ONE DIDN'T REALLYTALK MUCH.RANDALWHAT, AM I PRODUCG AN A&E BGRAPHYABOUT 'EM? I'M JT SAYG THEYSHOULDN'T BE LOERG AROUND THTOR LIKE THEY DO.DANTENEHER SHOULD YOU, BUT WE LET YOTAY.RANDALSEE, MAN--IF YOU WERE FUNNIER THANTHAT, ABC NEVER WOULD'VE NCELS.DANTEWHAT?RANDALNOTHG.ENTER TEEN 1 AND TEEN 2, CHUCKLG.TEEN 1TWO PACKS OF WRAPS.(BEAT)YO--HOW WAS THE SERVICE?RANDALWHAT SERVICE?TEEN 2THE ONE AT THE UNARIAN CHURCH WHEREYOU TWO GOT MARRIED TO EACH OTHERLAST WEEK.RANDALWHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKG ABOUT?TEEN 1JAY SAID YOU HAD A STAR-WARS--THEMEDWEDDG AND YOU GUYS TIED THE KNOTDRSED LIKE STORM TROOPERS.TEEN 2YEAH. AND HE SAID YOU'RE THE BCHAND YOU'RE THE BUTCH. OH, SORRY--THELEIA AND THE LE.DANTEI'M THE BCH?!RANDALWELL IF WE WERE GAY, THAT'S HOW I'DSEE .DANTEWOULD YOU SHUT UP?!TEEN 1(TO TEEN 2)HOLY SH, DU. THE HONEYMOON'SOVER.DANTEWE'RE NOT MARRIED TO EACH OTHER.TEEN 1WELL, SURE. NOT THE EY OF THTATE OR ANY REAL CHURCH, SKYWALKER.RANDAL(HEADG FOR THE PHONE)THAT DO . I'M GONNA DO SOMETHGABOUT THOSE TWO. I SHOULDA DONE ALONG TIME AGOTEEN 2IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY!TEEN 1(EXG)MAY THE FORK BE WH YOU. HANDJABBA THE HUTT.RANDAL(TO PHONE)YEAH, I WANT TO REPORT A UPLE OFDG ALERS OUT ONT OF THEQUICK STOP.EXT. QUICK STOP--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB ARE THROWN AGAST THE WALL OUTSI BY ACOP, WHO ISKS THEM.JAYWHAT THE FUCK, SERPI? WHAT'D WEDO?COPWE GOT A REPORT THAT TWO GUYS WEREHANGG AROUND OUTSI THE STOR,SELLG POT?JAYWE DON'T SMOKE POT, YO.TEEN 1 ENTERS AND HANDS JAY ROLLG PAPERS.TEEN 1HERE'RE THE ROLLG PAPERS YOU WANTEDFOR YOUR POT. AND YOUR CHANGE. THANKS.(GETTG JAY'SFACE)AND THE TIME SUCKS ASS!TEEN 1 RAC OFF. JAY AND BOB MOVE TO FOLLOW, BUT THE COPSTOPS THEM, GRABBG THE ROLLG PAPERS OUT OF JAY'S HAND.HE EYEBALLS THE PAIR.COPNO POT, HUNH? WHAT DO YOU NEED THISFOR?JAYWHAT? I GOT A WIPG PROBLEM. ISTICK THE LTLE PIEC OF PAPEROVER MY BROWN-EYE, AND BAM--NO SHSTAS MY UNDI.(UNBUTTONG PANTS)YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? LEMME SHOWYOU.JAY DROPS HIS PANTS AND LEANS AGAST THE WALL, LOOKG BACKOVER HIS SHOULR.JAYJT SPREAD MY CHEEKS A LTLE ANDYOU N SEE THE FUCKG STK NUGGETS--COPPULL UP YOUR PANTS UP SIR, NOW!JAY BENDS DOWN TO PULL UP HIS PANTS AND FARTS. SILENT BOBCRACKS UP. THE COP GRABS THEM BOTH, LEADG THEM TOWARD THER.COPLET'S TAKE A RI DOWN TO THE STATN.JAYWHAT? IT'S SUDNLY A CRIME TO FART,MOTHERFUCKER?!EXT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--DAYAN ESTABLISHING SHOT OF BRODIE'S STORE THE HEART OF REDBANK.BRODIE (O.S.)NO FUCKG WAY!WE GO TIGHT ON THE HUGE, RTOON SIGN OF BRODIE OUTSI TO--INT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--LATERBRODIE HIMSELF, HOLDG A STACK OF ICS ONE HAND AND ADIXIE CUP THE OTHER, JAY AND SILENT BOB FOLLOW HIM AS HEPUTS NEW BOOKS THE RACKS.BRODIEDANTE AND RANDAL SLAPPED YOU WH ARTRAG ORR?!JAYJUDGE SAID IF WE GO WH A HUNDREDFEET OF THE STOR, WE GET THROWNTO COUNTY.BRODIESO YOU GONNA ABI BY THE URT'SLG OR YOU GONNA GO BAND--REYNOLDS STYLE?JAYFUCK YEAH! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MAKEYOU DO UNTY? TOSS THE FUCKGSALAD! I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCK'SASSHOLE; I'M GONNA DO FOR SOMTRANGER?BRODIEI GUS IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO HANGOUT OM OF A NVENIENCE STORE,YOU ULD JT BUY YOUR OWN NOW--WHAT WH ALL THAT MONEY YOU GUYSMA.JAYHELL YEAH, BCH.(BEAT)WA A SEND--WHAT MONEY?BRODIETHE MONEY OM THE MOVIE, DUMB-ASS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLG ABOUT?BRODIE(PULLG A BAGGED-AND-BOARD ISSUE DOWNOM THE WALL)THE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC MOVIE.(DAWNS ON HIM)OH MY GOD--DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE NOIA THERE'S A MOVIE BEG MA OFTHE IC YOU TWO WERE THE BASISFOR.JAYWHAT?! SCE WHEN?BRODIEGODDAM, MAN--(TAPS HIS WRIST)HERE'S THE PULSE, ALRIGHT. AND HERE'SYOUR FGER--(SHOV HIS HAND DOWNTHE BACK OF HIS PANTS)--FAR OM THE PULSE, JAMMED STRAIGHTUP YOUR ASS.(EXTRACTS HAND ANXTENDS TO JAY)SAY--WOULD YOU LIKE A CHOLATEVERED PRETZEL?BRODIE LEADS THEM BACK TO THE UNTER.BRODIEYOU SEE, KIDS, IF YOU READ WIZARD,YOU'D KNOW 'S THE TOP STORY THISMONTH. CHECK OUT.BRODIE HANDS JAY AND SILENT BOB A PY OF WIZARD, OPENED TOTHE HEADLE: SNOOTCHIE BOOTCHI! BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC GETBIG SCREEN TREATMENT! THERE ARE PICTUR OF HOLDEN MCNEILAND BANKY EDWARDS, AS WELL AS DRAWGS OF BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC.JAYWHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!BRODIEWELL, AFTER X-MEN H AT THE BOXOFFICE, ALL THE STUDS STARTED BUYGUP EVERY IC PROPERTY THEY ULDGET THEIR HANDS ON. MIRAMAX OPTNEDBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC.JAYMIRAMAX? I THOUGHT THEY ONLY MACLASSY FLICKS LIKE THE PIANO AND THECRYG GAME?BRODIEYEAH, WELL ONCE THEY MA SHE'S ALLTHAT, EVERYTHG WENT TO HELL. SOYOU'RE SAYG YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN ACUT OF THE MOVIE? DIDN'T HOLN MCNEILAND BANKY EDWARDS ED TO PAY YOULIKENS RIGHTS FOR THE IC BOOK?JAYWE HAVEN'T SEEN A FUCKG DIME FORNO MOVIE!BRODIEWELL BOYS, I'M NO LAWYER, BUT I THKHOLN AND BANKY OWE YOU SOME OF THEPROVERBIAL PHAT SH. I MEAN THEY'REMAKG A MOVIE BASED ON CHARACTERSTHAT ARE BASED ON YOU AND QUIETROBERT.JAYIT A'T ME AND QUIET ROBERT. IT'S APAIR OF STUPID-ASS SUPERHERO THATN AROUND SAYG "SNCHY-NCHI"OR SOMETHG.BRODIEI BELIEVE "SNOOTCHIE BOOCHI."REGARDLS--YOU'RE GETTG SCREWED.IF I WAS YOU GUYS, I'D NONT HOLNMCNEIL AND ASK HIM FOR MY MOVIE CHECK.JAYSH YEAH. WE GOTSA GET PAID.BRODIEAND ON THAT NOTE, WE CUE THE MIC.JAY LAYS DOWN A HOE BASS BEAT. BRODIE PLEMENTS WHHIS OWN BEAT.EXT. POTZER'S INC--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB MOSEY PAST THE ONT DOOR OF THE BUILDGAND KNOCK.INT. POTZER'S INC--DAYHOLN MCNEIL, OPENS THE DOOR AND S.HOLDENWELL! I HAVE BEEN WAG YEARS TODO THIS.(S)LOOK AT THE MOROSE MOTHERFUCKERSRIGHT HERE. SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE SH THEIR CEREAL. BUNNGG!JAY AND SILENT BOB ENTER. HOLN CLOS THE DOOR, FOLLOWGTHEM.JAYWHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONGANSWERG YOUR DAMN DOOR? YOU TRYGTO TALK ANOTHER GIRLIEND OF YOURSTO SOME OF THAT GAY-ASS THREE-WAYACTN WH YOUR BUDDY?HOLDENNO, I WAS JT SHOWERG YOUR MOTHER'SSTK OFF ME AFTER I GAVE HER A QUICKJUMP AND SENT HER HOME. BUT NOW THATYOU MENTN --(TO BOB)THANKS, YOU KNOW. YOU ULD'VE MATHE MORAL OF THAT STORY YOU TOLD MEA B MORE CLEAR.SILENT BOB SHGS.HOLDENSO WHAT BRGS YOU TWO DIRT MERCHANTSTO MY NECK OF THE WOODS?JAYOH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT OUR NECKS AREDOG YOUR WOODS--SILENT BOB HOLDS UP THE WIZARD ARTICLE.JAYWHERE'S OUR MOTHERFUCKG MOVIE CHECK?HOLDENYOU HEARD ABOUT THAT TOO, HUNH? WELL,I'VE GOT NOTHG TO DO WH . THAT'SBANKY'S AL. HE OWNS THE PROPERTYNOW. I SIGNED MY HALF OF THE BLUNTMANAND CHRONIC RIGHT OVER TO HIM YEARSAGO.JAYWHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO A THGLIKE THAT?HOLDENBEE I'M ALMOST THIRTY, FOR GOD'SSAKE--WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TOKEEP WRG ABOUT CHARACTERS WHOSECENTRAL PREOCCUPATNS ARE WEED ANDDICK AND FART JOK? YOU GOTTA GROW,MAN. DON'T YOU EVER WANT MORE FORYOURSELF?(OFF SILENT BOB)I KNOW THIS POOR, HAPLS SONOVABCHDO. I LOOK HIS DOE EY AND ISEE A MAN CRYG OUT, "WHEN, LORD?WHEN THE FUCK N YOUR SERVANT DCHTHIS FOUL-MOUTHED LTLE CHUCKLEHEADTO WHOM I AM A NSTANT VICTIM OFHIS FOLLY, AND WHO BOMBARDS ME ANDTHOSE AROUND WH GRA-AFOOLISHNS THAT PREVENTS ME OMEVEN GETTG TO KISS A GIRL? FUCK!WHEN?!SILENT BOB NOD LIKE HE'S FALLY UNRSTOOD. JAY LOOKS ATHIM, HURT, AND BOB TRIED TO DOWNPLAY THE MENT'S TTH.JAYI'M THE CHUCKLEHEAD? FUCK YOU--YOU'RETHE DUMB-ASS WHO GAVE AWAY HIS IC,AND NOW YOU A'T GOT NO FAT MOVIECHECK NEHER.HOLDENWHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. IWISH I'D BROKEN OFF A LTLE PIECEFOR MYSELF. BEE IF THE BUZZ ISANY DITN, THE MOVIE'S GONNAMAKE SOME HUGE BANK.JAYWHAT BUZZ?HOLDENTHE INTER BUZZ.JAYWHAT THE FUCK IS THE INTER?INT. OFFICE OF POTZER'S INC--LATERHOLN'S AT A PUTER TERMAL. JAY AND SILENT BOB LOOKOVER HIS SHOULR.HOLDENTHE INTER IS A MUNITN VICETHAT ALLOWS PEOPLE THE WORLD OVER TOBCH ABOUT MOVI AND SHAREPORNOGRAPHY WH ONE ANOTHER.(OFF MONOR)HERE'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKG FOR: ";JAY(TO BOB)"POOPCHUTE." YEAAAHHH.HOLDENTHIS IS A SE FULL OF ANT MOVIEBUFFS: SAD BASTARDS WHO LIVE THEIRPARENTS' BASEMENTS, DOWNLOADGSCRIPTS AND TRADG WHAT THEY BELIEVETO BE SI ABOUT MOVI ANDACTORS THEY SPISE YET N'T STOPDISCSG. THIS IS WHERE YOU GO IFYOU WANNA HEAR TRATED WOULD-BEFILMMAKERS MOUTH OFF WH THEIR TWO-B, ARM-CHAIR-DIRECTOR'S OPNSON HOW THEY ALL ULD'VE MA A BETTEREPISO ONE.ON THE PUTER MONOR, WE SEE THE SE MAPAGE LOAD UP.HOLN BEGS NAVIGATG THE SE.HOLDENHERE. THIS IS ABOUT THE BLUNTMANMOVIE.(READG)"INSI SOURC TELL ME MIRAMAX ISSTARTG PRODUCTN THIS FRIDAY ONTHEIR ADAPTATN OF UNRGROUND ICFAVE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC."JAYFRIDAY?! SH. DO SAY WHO'SPLAYG THE MOVIE?HOLDENNO, BUT IF 'S MIRAMAX, I'M SURE'LL BE BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON.THEY PUT'EM A BUNCH OF MOVI.JAYWHO?HOLDENYOU KNOW--THE GUYS OM GOOD WILLHUNTG.JAYYOU MEAN THE FUCKG MOVIE WH MORKOM ORK ?HOLDENYEAH, I'M NOT TOO BIG A FAN EHER.THOUGH AFFLECK WAS THE BOMB PHANTOMS.JAYWORD, BCH. PHANTOMS LIKE AMOTHERFUCKER.HOLN AND JAY SLAP HANDS. HOLN POTS AT THE MONOR AGA.HOLDENNOW DOWN HERE IS WHERE YOU N GGETHE BUZZ. THIS IS THE SHOOT BACKAREA. IT'S WHERE PEOPLE WHO READ THENEWS GET TO CHIME WH THEIR TWOCENTS. HERE'S WHAT A GUY WHO GO BYTHE CHICK-MAG NET HANDLE OF "WAMPA-ONE" THKS ABOUT BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC.(READG)"BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC AND THEIR STUPIDALTER EGOS JAY AND SILENT BOB ONLYWORK SMALL DOS, IF AT ALL. THEYDON'T SERVE THEIR OWN MOVIE."(TO JAY)HE'S GOT A POT.JAYFUCK HIM. WHAT'S THE NEXT ONE SAY?HOLDEN(READG)"BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC IS THE WORSTIC I EVER READ. JAY AND SILENTBOB ARE STUPID CHARACTERS. A UPLEOF STONERS WHO SPOUT DUMB-ASSTCHPHRAS LIKE A THIRD-RATE CHEECHAND CHONG OR BILL AND TED. FUCK JAYAND SILENT BOB. FUCK THEM UP THEIRSTUPID ASS."JAYWHO THE FUCK SAID THAT SH?!HOLDENA GUY WHO LLS HIMSELF "MAGNOLIA-FAN." CHECK OUT WHAT THE GUY AFTERHIM SAID: "JAY AND SILENT BOB ARETERRIBLE, ONE-NOTE JOK THAT ONLYSTONERS LGH AT. THEY'RE FUCKGCLOWN SHO. IF THEY WERE REAL, I'DBEAT THE SH OUT OF THEM FOR BEGSO STUPID. I N'T BELIEVE MIRAMAXWOULD HAVE ANYTHG TO SO WH THISSH. I, FOR ONE, WILL BE BOYTTGTHIS MOVIE. WHO'S WH ME?"(LEANS BACK)AND THEN THERE ARE ABOUT FIFTY MOREPOSTS OM PEOPLE WHO AGREE TO JOSPARTAC-HERE'S BOYTT OF THE FLICK.JAY(GRIMLY)I'M GONNA KILL ALL THE FUCKS--HOLDENAH, LET GO. NUMBER ONE, THEY'RE ABUNCH OF JEALO LTLE DICKS WHOE THE ANONYMY OF THE NET TO SULTPEOPLE WHO'RE DOG WHAT THEY WISHTHEY WERE DOG, AND NUMBER TWO,THEY'RE NOT REALLY TALKG ABOUT YOUGUYS--THEY TALKG ABOUT BLUNTMANAND CHRONIC.JAYBUT THEY SAID JAY AND SILENT BOB!THEY ED OUR REAL NAM. IT DON'TMATTER THAT THERE'S A IC BOOKVERSN OF AND A REAL VERSN,'E NOBODY KNOWS WE'RE REAL REAL LIFE.HOLDENREALLY.JAYYEAH! AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO READTHAT SH THK THE REAL JAY ANDSILENT BOB ARE A UPLE OF FAGGOTS'E OF THAT ALL THE DICKS AREWRG ABOUT THE IC BOOK JAY ANDSILENT BOB! AND MAYBE ONE NIGHT, MEAND LUNCHBOX'LL BE MACKG SOME BCH,AND SHE'LL BE LIKE "OOOO! I WANT TOSUCK YOE GUYS DICKS OFF. WHAT'SYOUR NAM?" AND I'LL BE LIKE, "JAYAND SILENT BOB." AND SHE'LL BE LIKE,"OH--I READ ON THE INTER THATYOE GUYS WERE LTLE FUCKGJERKOFFS." AND THEN SHE GO ANDSUCKS TWO OTHER GUYS'S DICKS OFFSTEAD! WELL FUCK THAT! WE GOTTAPUT A STOP TO THE HATEFUL SONSA-BCH BEFORE THEY OUR GOODNAM!HOLDENFIRST OFF, I DON'T KNOW HOW GOODYOUR NAM REALLY ARE. SENDLY,THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU N DO ABOUTSTOPPG THIS BILE. THE INTER'SGIVEN EVERYONE AMERI A VOICE,AND EVERYONE AMERIN HAS CHOSENTO E THAT VOICE TO BCH ABOUTMOVI. AS LONG AS THERE'S A BLUNTMANAND CHRONIC MOVIE, THE NET-NERDS AREGONNA HAVE SOMETHG NEGATIVE TO SAYABOUT . JAY STEAMS, THKG.THEN, A LIGHT DAWNS ON HIM.JAYBUT WA A SEND--IF THERE WASN'T ABLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC MOVIE, THEN NOONE WOULD BE SAYG SH ABOUT JAYAND SILENT BOB, RIGHT?HOLDENTHEY'RE NOT SAYG ANYTHG ABOUTYOU NOW--THEY'RE TALKG ABOUTFICTNAL CHARACTERS!JAY(OBLIV TO HOLN;TO BOB)SO ALL WE GOTTA DO IS STOP 'EM OMMAKG THE MOVIE!HOLDENYEAH, AND KISS-OFF THE HUNDREDS OFTHOANDS OF DOLLARS ROYALTIYOU'RE DUE THE PROCS. ARE YOUFUCKG RETARD? LOOK, I'M PROBABLYNOT ALONE THE OPN THAT THISFLICK IS THE WORST IA SCE GREEDOSHOOTG FIRST. I MEAN, A JAY ANDSILENT BOB MOVIE? WHO WOULD PAY TOSEE THAT?HOLN, JAY AND SILENT BOB PSE AND LOOK AT THE MERA FORA BEAT. THEN--HOLDENBUT SCE IS HAPPENG, YOU MIGHTAS WELL JT IGNORE THE IDTS ONTHE INTER, GO FD BANKY, AND GETYOUR "MOTHERFUCKG MOVIE CHECK." ASYOU SO SUCCCTLY PUT . THAT'SWHAT'S IMPORTANT HERE.JAYNO, HOLN MCNEIL--WHAT'S IMPORTANTHERE IS THAT THERE'S A BUNCH OFMOTHERFUCKERS WE DON'T EVEN KNOWLLG ASSHOL ON THE INTERTO A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS AND GUYS WHON'T EVEN GET LAID. PUTTG A STOPTO THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THGWE ULD EVER DO.(OFF MONOR)WHEN DID SAY THEY'RE MAKG THATMOVIE?HOLDENTHEY START THIS FRIDAY.JAYSO IF TODAY'S TUDAY, THAT GIV --(UNTS)EIGHT DAYS.HOLDENIT'S MORE LIKE THREE DAYS.JAYRIGHT. THREE DAYS TO STOP THAT STUPIDFUCKG MOVIE OM GETTG MA!C'MON, SILENT BOB--JAY AND BOB STAND AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER, FILLED WH PURPOSE.JAYWE'RE GOG TO HOLLYWOOD.THEY STRI OFF. HOLN SHAK HIS HEAD.HOLDENNOW THAT'S WHAT I LL THE BLUNTLEADG THE BLUNT.EXT. BUS STATION--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB APPROACH A B THAT'S LABELED "LOSANGEL." THEY NOD AT EACH OTHER AND THEN CLIMB ABOARD. AFTERA BEAT, THEY RE-EMERGE.JAYTICKETS? SCE WHEN DID THEY STARTCHARGG FOR THE B?THEY HEAD TOWARD THE POT.JAYDIDN'T WE ED TO RI THAT SH TOSCHOOL EVERY DAY FOR EE?EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE B ROARS PAST A SIGN THAT READ: LEAVG NEW JERSEY.INT. BUS--SAMEJAY MAK HIS WAY UP TO THE DRIVER.JAYWE HOLLYWOOD YET?DRIVERIT'S A THREE--DAY RI TO LOS ANGEL,SIR. WE LEFT TWENTY MUT AGO.JAYI DIDN'T ASK YOU ABOUT LOS ANGEL.I ASKED YOU ABOUT HOLLYWOOD.DRIVERHOLLYWOOD'S LOS ANGEL, SIR.JAYDON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! ARE WE HOLLYWOOD YET OR NOT?DRIVERPLEASE S DOWN, SIR.JAY GLAR AT THE DRIVER AND HEADS BACK TO HIS SEAT.JAYWHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SEAT RALPHKRAMN--JAY SLUMPS TO THE SEAT BI SILENT BOB.JAYI'M FUCKG BORED, MAN. THERE A'TSH TO SO ON THIS B.SILENT BOB MIM JERKG OFF.JAYI ALREADY DID THAT. TWICE.SILENT BOB SHGS, LOOKG OUT THE WDOW, JAY LOOKS ACROSSTHE AISLE AND SPOTS A CHILD IN A HELMET PLAYG A HANDHELDVIO GAME. HE LEANS OVER TO HIM.JAYYO, GRETZKY--LEMME GET A TURN.CHILDLEAVE ME ALONE, LTLE KID.THE CHILD GIV HIM THE FGER. JAY GO WI-EYED, TURNGTO SILENT BOB.JAYTHAT FUCK LLED ME A LTLE KID ANDGAVE ME THE FGER! GO KICK HIS ASS!SILENT BOB OFFERS AN CRLO LOOK, AS IF TO SAY, "HE'STEN YEARS OLD."JAYYOU'RE MY MCLE, A'TCHA?SILENT BOB KD OF NODS.JAYSO GO OPEN A N OF WHUP-ASS ON THATLTLE FUCK, AND GET ME HIS GAME!SILENT BOB SIGHS AND STANDS. HE CLIMBS OVER JAY TO THEAISLE AND STANDS ONT OF THE CHILD. HE LOOKS AT HIM ANDREGISTERS DOUBT. HE LOOKS BACK TO JAY, WHO WAV HIM ON.SILENT BOB STEELS HIMSELF, LOOKS BACK TO THE KID AND REACHFOR HIS GAME. THE CHILD EMS A HIGH-PCHED SCREAM AND STARTSPUNCHG HIMSELF THE HEAD. SILENT BOB DIV BACK TO HISSEAT, TRYG TO LOOK NONCHALANT. THE CHILD STOPS CRYG. JAYLOOKS AT SILENT BOB.JAYYOU'RE ONE TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER, YONOW THAT?EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE B PULLS OVER BY THE SI OF THE ROAD.INT. BUS--DAYTHE B DRIVER HEADS DOWN THE AISLE TOWARD THE BACK OF THEB, FOLLOWED BY PISSED-OFF PASSENGERS.PASSENGERTHEY BEEN THERE GOG ON HALF ANHOUR NOW! TWO OF THEM! DOG GODKNOWS WHAT!THE B DRIVER BANGS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR AND SHOUTS.DRIVERTHIS B ISN'T MOVG ANOTHER CHUNLS YOU CLEAR OUT OF THERE RIGHTNOW!NO ANSWER. THE B DRIVER BANGS ON THE DOOR HARR.DRIVERDO YOU HEAR ME?! OPEN THIS DOOR!NOW!!THE DOOR HANDLE TURNS, THE DOOR SWGS WI, AND MASSIVEAMOUNTS OF SMOKE SUDNLY BILLOW THROUGH THE BACK OF THEB. THE SMOKE CLEARS TO REVEAL JAY AND SILENT BOB SQUEEZEDTO THE BATHROOM, HOLDG A MASSIVE JOT.JAYUM--I THK SOMETHG'S BURNG BACKHERE.EXT. ROADSIDE--LATERAS THE B PULLS AWAY, JAY AND SILENT BOB ARE REVEALED, LEFTBEHD.JAYTHE WHOLE FUCKG WORLD'S AGAST, DU. I SWEAR TO GOD.SILENT BOB NODS. JAY STICKS OUT HIS THUMB AND STARTS HCHG.EXT. ROADSIDE--LATERJAY AND BOB ARE WALKG BACKWARDS, HCHG STILL.JAYTHIS SUCKS BALLS, MAN. HOW E WEA'T GETTG NO RIS?VOICE'CSE YOU'RE DOG ALL WRONG.JAY AND BOB LOOK BEHD THEM. THERE'S A GUY HCHG AS WELL.GUYYOU GOTTA DUCE THE DRIVERS A LTLE.JAYLIKE HOW?GUYLIKE THIS.THE GUY HOLDS OUT HIS SIGN TO THEM. IT READS: WILL GIVE HEADFOR RI.JAYYEAH, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET THE R, AND YOU DON'T MAKE WHTHE HEAD? DON'T THEY KICK YOUR ASSTO THE CURB?GUYSURE--IF YOU DON'T MAKE WH THEHEAD.JAY AND BOB LOOK AT HIM FOR A LONG BEAT. THEN--JAYEWW! YOU EAT THE CK?!?GUYYEAH. IF 'LL GET ME A FEW HUNDRED ACROSS UNTRY. I'LL TAKE ASHOT THE MOUTH.JAYYEAH, BUT WE A'T GAY.GUYWELL, NEHER AM I. BUT HAVE YOEEN THE PRICE OF B TICKETS LATELY?SH--I DON'T WANNA UGH UP TWOHUNDRED BUCKS JT TO GET TO CHIGO.JAYWELL, I DON'T WANNA UGH UP SOM'S SPERM!GUYDON'T BE SO SUBURBAN--THIS IS THENEW LENNIUM. GAY, STRAIGHT--'SALL THE SAME NOW. THERE'RE NO MOREL.JAY DRAWS A LE ON THE GROUND WH HIS FOOT.JAYTHERE'S ONE. ON THIS SI OF , WEA'T GAY.GUYALL HCHERS DO THIS. WHY DO YOUTHK PEOPLE PICK UP? IF YOU GETA RI, 'S EXPECTED--I DON'T REWHO THE DRIVER IS. IT'S THE FIRSTLE THE BOOK.JAYWHAT BOOK?GUYTHE UNWRTEN BOOK OF THE ROAD.A TRUCK STARTS TO PULL OVER TO THE SI OF THE ROAD. THE GUYPOTS TO , AS IF TO SAY "SEE?" THE PASSENGER-SI DOOROPENS. THE GUY CLIMBS TO THE TCK AND CLOS THE DOOR. HELOOKS OUT THE WDOW AT JAY AND BOB.GUYFOLLOW THE L OF THE BOOK, ANDYOU'LL GET WHERE YOU'RE GOG NOTIME. EXCE ME.THROUGH THE WDSHIELD, JAY AND SILENT BOB SEE THE GUY GOFACE-FIRST TO THE TRUCK DRIVER'S LAP. THE TCK DRIVERSS, AND THE TCK TAK OFF, ROARG DOWN THE ROAD.JAY AND SILENT BOB WATCH THE TCK DISAPPEAR. THEN, A CARPULLS UP. THE NUN DRIVG ROLLS DOWN THE PASSENGER SI WDOWAND LEANS TOWARD THEM.NUNYOU TWO BOYS NEED A RI?INT. CAR--LATERTHE NUN DRIV, SG. JAY AND SILENT BOB S THE BACKSEAT, HUDDLED CLOSE TOGETHER, THEIR EY GLUED ON THE NUN.NUNYOU BOTH DON'T HAVE TO S BACK THERE.ONE OF YOU N S UP HERE WH ME.SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD "NO" TO JAY. JAY SHGS AND CLIMBSUP ONT.NUNSO WHERE ARE YOU BOYS OM?JAYNEW JERSEY.NUNWHAT BRGS YOU TO INDIANA?JAYWE'RE GOG TO HOLLYWOOD.NUNHOLLYWOOD, HUNH? THAT'S A LONG WAYSAWAY.JAYYEAH--WE'RE LUCKY YOU PICKED UP.NUNWELL, DO UNTO OTHERS. THAT'S WHATTHE BOOK SAYS.JAY(MISTERPRETGPLETELY)WA A MUTE--YOU FOLLOW THE BOOK,TOO?NUNI LIVE MY LIFE BY .JAYREALLY? YOU?NUNOF URSE. YOU KNOW HOW LONELY GETS ON THE ROAD? THANKS TO THE BOOK,I'M NEVER ALONE--IF YOU KNOW WHAT IMEAN.JAYI GUS. THIS GUY BACK THERE EXPLAED TO . BUT I DIDN'T THK YOU'DBE TO THAT.NUNARE YOU KIDDG? I'VE DITED MYLIFE TO . EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY.JAYSH--YOU NUNS ARE ALRIGHT.NUNYOU LIVE BY THE BOOK, TOO?JAYYOU PICKED UP, DIDN'T YOU? I GOTTA.NUNTHAT'S GOOD TO HEAR. BUT TAKED, NOT WORDS. IT'S A LOT EASIERTO SAY YOU LIVE BY THE BOOK THAN TOACTUALLY DO .(LOOKS AT HIM)CAN YOU DO ?JAYYOU WANT ME TO DO RIGHT NOW?NUNNO TIME LIKE THE PRENT, RIGHT?JAY LOOKS BACK AT SILENT BOB. SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD"NO." JAY SHGS THEM FLIPS HIS HAIR OVER HIS SHOULR, ANDSTARTS TO BEND DOWN.JAYALRIGHT.(HE SUDNLY STOPS)YOU HEAR THAT? SHE'S NOT A CATHOLIC.SHE'S A PRBYTERIAN.JAY DISAPPEARS BELOW THE DASH, THE NUN GO WI-EYED.EXT. ROADSIDE--DAYTHE NUN'S R SCREECHED TO THE SI OF THE ROAD. JAY GETSKICKED OUR OF THE ONT SEAT BY THE SCREAMG NUN. SILENTBOB SH OUT TOO, AND THE R RAC OFF. JAY'S WIP HISMOUTH. HE PULLS A LONG CURLY HAIR OM BETWEEN HIS TEETH.JAYDU--SHE HAD SEVENTI BH.EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHTJAY AND BOB NTUE HCHG.JAYI N'T BELIEVE THIS SH. FIVE HOURSAND NOT A SGLE RI. EVERY DAY,LNS OF PEOPLE HCH TO HOLLYWOODAND STOP STUDS OM MAKG MOVIABOUT 'EM. BUT WHEN YOU AND ME TRY, 'S LIKE WE'RE TRAPPED AFUCKG RTOON!A FAIAR-LOOKG VAN PULLS UP THE OTHER SI OF THERAID, THE HORN BEEPS. JAY AND BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHG,AND RACE ACROSS THE STREET, GET . THE VAN PULLS OFF.INT. VAN--NIGHTJAY AND BOB S THE BACK OF THE N AND STARE AT--A CLEAN-CUT GUY, A BOOKISH WOMAN GLASS, A RED HEADBETY, A STONER DUDE, AND A GREAT DANE.JAY LOOKS AT SILENT BOB.JAYZOKS, YOGUYAND NOW WE N FALLY SOLVE THEMYSTERY OF THE HCHHIKG GHOULS!PULL OFF THEIR MASKS AND LET'S SEEWHO THEY REALLY ARE!BOOKISHI DON'T THK THEY ARE MASKS.BEAUTYI DON'T THK THEY'RE HCHHIKGGIRLS EHER.BOOKISHGHOULS, YOU FUCKG MORON. NOT GIRLS.(TO HERSELF)THOUGH I WISH THEY WERE HCHHIKGGIRLS. SEXY, SKIMPILY CLAD HCHHIKGGIRLS--GUYLET'S KICK THEM OUT. WE'VE GOT AMYSTERY TO SOLVE.DUDETHE ONLY MYSTERY HERE IS WHY WE TAKEOUR CU OM A DICK A NECKERCHIEF!GUYKEEP UP, BEATNIK! I'LL FEED YOUTO THE FUCKG DOG!BEAUTY(VERG HER EARS;SHRIEKG)I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!JAYYO!THE GANG LOOK TO JAY AND BOB.JAYYOE GUYS NEED TO TURN THOSE OWNSUPSI DOWN! AND WE GOT JT THETHG FOR THAT.(PULLS OUT A BAG OFJOTS)WE LL THEM DOOBIE SNAX.INT. VAN--WEED VISIONAS JAY AND BOB TOKE UP, WE GO ALL SLO-MO AND 70'S EAKY(WH THE IMAGE SEEMG TO SWIM). THROUGH THEIR STONED HAZE,WE SEE OLD-SCHOOL WCH, SKELETONS, AND GHOULS SWIRLGABOUT THEIR HEADS--THE LATTER OF WHICH GETS HIS MASK TAKENOFF TO REVEAL A MAN SI A STUME.JAY AND BOB LOOK AT THE GANG, THEN TAKE A H OFF THEIR JOTAND LOOK BACK. SUDNLY, THE GANG'S ENGAGED TOTALBCHERY: THE DU RIS THE WDSHIELD WHILE THE GUYCKL SANELY, BLDFOLD BY HIS NECKERCHIEF. BOOKISHAND BETY ARE THEIR UNRWEAR, MAKG OUT WH EACH OTHER.THE GREAT DANE LOOKS AT JAY AND BOB AND SAYS--GREAT DANERI, RAY RAND RIRENT ROBTHE GREAT DANE ROLLS OVER, REVEALG S RED THING STICKGWAY OUT OF S SHEATH. IT'S MONSTRO. JAY AND BOB GO WI-EYED.JAYLOOK AT HIS FUCK' LIPSTICK!!! HE'SGOT A STONER-BONER!!!JAY AND BOB SE AND PASS OUT.WE CUT BACK TO THE GANG, WHO NOW APPEAR AS THEY DID PRR TOWEED-VISN. THEY STARE AT THE O.C. JAY AND BOB.BEAUTYI THK THEY PASSED OUT.GUYGREAT. WHAT DO WE DO WH THEM NOW?DUDELET'S CUT OUT THEIR KIDNEYS TO SELLON THE BLACK MARKET AND LEAVE THEM A SEEDY MOTEL BATHTUB FULL OFICE.BOOKISHOH GOD, NOT AGA?INT. SEEDY MOTEL BATHROOM--NIGHTJAY LI A BATHTUB FULL OF ICE, SCREAMG. THERE'S A SRON HIS BACK.EXT. KANSAS CITY PARK--DAYJAY WAK UP SUDNLY, SCREAMG. HE STARTL BOB AWAKE ASWELL, AS HE CLUTCHED AT THIS BACK LIFTG HIS SHIRT TO SEETHE SR. IT'S NOT THERE.JAYHOLY SH, I HAD A HORRIBLE DREAM.(LOOKS AROUND)YO, I'M HUNGRY. WHERE N WE GETSOME BREAKFAST?BOB LOOKS AROUND, AND THEN LOCKS ON SOMETHG O.C. HE POTS,AND JAY LOOKS, S WILY, AND NODS.EXT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--DAYAN ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE FAST FOOD EATERY, AS JAY AND BOBENTER.INT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--SAMEAS THE PAIR HEAD FOR THE UNTER, JAY NOTIC A PUBLICINTERNET TERMINAL. HE TUGS AT SILENT BOB'S ARM.JAYYO--CHECK THAT SH OUT: THE INTER.LET'S SEE IF THOSE FUCKS SAIDSOMETHG NEW ABOUT AND THAT STUPIDFLICK.BOB SHGS, HEADG FOR THE TERMAL. HE SERTS A DOLLARAND TYP, FOLLOWG UP WH A MOE CLICK. THE PAIR LOOKAT THE SCREEN AND GO WI-EYED.JAY"ANY MOVIE BASED ON JAY AND SILENTBOB IS GONNA LICK BALLS, BEETHEY BOTH, FACT, LICK BALLS. NAMELYEACH OTHER'S."JAY AND SILENT BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, WI-EYED.JAYEWW.(READG FURTHER)"Y--THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE. REALSTUPID PEOPLE. SIGNED, DARTH RANDAL."(TO BOB)MOTHERFUCKER! IT'S TIME WE WROTOMETHG BACK! TYPE THIS SH DOWN.SILENT BOB STARTS TYPG AS JAY DICTAT.JAYALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GONNA PAY.YOU ARE THE ON WHO ARE THE BALL-LICKERS. WE'RE GONNA FUCK YOURMOTHERS WHOLE YOU WATCH AND CRY LIKELTLE BCH. ONCE WE GET TOHOLLYWOOD AND FD THOSE MIRAMAXFUCKS WHO ARE MAKG THE MOVIE, WE'REGONNA MAKE 'EM EAT OUR SH, THENSH OUR SH, THEN EAT THEIR SHWHICH IS MA OF OUR SH THAT WEMA 'EM EAT. THEN ALL YOUMOTHERFUCKERS ARE NEXT. LOVE, JAYAND SILENT BOB.SILENT BOB FISH TYPG AND PRS "RETURN". HE AND JAYNOD AT EACH OTHER, THEN HEAD OVER TO THE UNTER LE, LOOKGUP AT THE MENU BOARD.JAYTHAT'LL FUCKG SHOW 'EM. NOW WE EATOUR EGGA-MOOBY-MUFFS, THEN GETBACK ON THE ROAD, GET TO HOLLYWOOD,AND STOP THAT FUCKG MOVIE OMGETTG MA. NO MORE HAIRY-BHNUNS, NO MORE DOGS. WE KEEP OUR EYEON THE PRIZE, AND NOT LET NOTHG--AND I MEAN NOTHING--DISTRACT ME.AS JAY FISH SPEAKG, HE LOOKS TO THE O.C. DOORS ANDEEZ. A GEO GIRL WALKS THROUGH THE ONT DOORS, ALL SLO-MO TO THE TUNE OF PRCE'S THE MOST BETIFUL GIRL THE WORLD. SHE'S BATHED LIGHT, GLOWG.SHE BATS HER EYELASH, GLIDG TOWARD .JAY IS MOUTH-AGAPE WI EYED. SILENT BOB LOOKS AT HIM, THENAT THE HE SLOWLY WAV HIS HAND ONT OF JAY'SEY, GETTG ZERO RPONSE.JAY'S POVTHE GIRL S AT . HIS POV GO OM HER FACE, DOWN TOHER BREASTS, THEN DOWN TO HER CROTCH.JAY MOV PAST SILENT BOB AND MEETS THE GIRL THE MIDDLEOF THE FLOOR. HE EMBRAC HER AND LANDS A LONG, SWEET KISSON HER MOUTH. AFTER A BEAT, HE STARTS FUMBLG LIKE A TEENAGERTO GET TO SEND BASE UNR HER SHIRT, TOTALLY NGOWH THE MIC. THE GIRL KDLY TRI TO TER HIM.BUT 'S JT A FANTASY. JAY'S STILL STANDG THERE NEXT TOSILENT BOB, BUT HE IS SPORTG A HUGE BONER. SILENT BOB ROLLSHIS EY. HE GRABS A SODA CUP OFF THE UNTER AND STICKS OVER JAY'S BONER, JT AS THE GIRL JOS THEM LE. SH AT THE ZOMBIFIED JAY.GIRL(OFF CUP)OH MY GOD. DO YOU GET EE REFILLSWH THAT?JAYOH, WHAT--THIS? I JT WEAR THIS FORPROTECTN. YOU KNOW--SO NO GUYS TRYTO GRAB MY SH.GIRLHI. I'M JTICE.JAY(DREAY)AND I AM SO FUCKG YOURS--SILENT BOB POK JAY, WHO SHAK OF HIS DAZE.JAYI MEAN HI. I'M JAY. AND THIS IS MYHERETO LIFE-MATE, SILENT BOB.JUSTICEIT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.JAYJTICE, HUNH? THAT'S A NICE NAME.(UNR HIS BREATH, TOBOB)JAY'N'JTICE, STG A TREE. F-U-C-K-I-N-G--(BACK TO JTICE)SO YOU E HERE OFTEN?JUSTICEOH, I'M NOT OM AROUND HERE. MYIENDS AND I ARE TAKG A ROAD TRIP,AND WE JT STOPPED TO GRAB SOMETHGTO EAT.JAYYOUR IENDS, HUNH? WHERE THEY AT?JUSTICE(POTG)OUT THERE. BY THAT VAN.JAY AND BOB LOOK PAST JTICE TO SEE A VAN WH THREE OTHERGEO GIRLS STRETCHG OUTSI OF , THROWG THEIR HAIRAROUND, LOOKG CREDIBLY SEXY.WHOUT LOOKG AT SILENT BOB, JAY QUIETLY SAYS TO HIM--JAYDU--I THK I JT FILLED THE CUP.INT. VAN--DAYJAY AND BOB CLIMB TO THE N, GETTG ODD LOOKS OM THEOTHER GIRLS, JTICE FOLLOWS THEM , TOSSG THE FAST FOODTO HER IENDS.JAYLADI, LADI, LADI! JAY AND SILENTBOB ARE THE HIZZ-OE!!!SISSYWHO THE FUCK ARE THE GUYS?JUSTICETHIS IS JAY AND SILENT BOB.(TO JAY AND BOB)GUYS, THIS IS SISSY, MISSY, ANDCHRISSY.CHRISSYWHERE THE FUCK DID THEY E OM?JUSTICEI MET 'EM SI. THEY'RE GONNA HCHA RI.SISSYI DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S SUCH A GREATIA. JSY.JAYSURE IS, JUGGS.MISSYOH MY GOD--HE JT LLED SISSY"JUGGS"!CHRISSYI'M ON .CHRISSY LUNG TOWARD JAY, PULLG A KNIFE.JUSTICECHRISSY, NO!SISSY STOPS CHRISSY, SHOVG A BURGER TO HER HANDS.SISSYWE'RE THE MIDDLE OF SUBURBIA,CHRISSY. LET'S TRY TO ACT LIKE .CHRISSY}.AND WHAT-STUPID ASS LTLE FOUL-MOUTHED BCH-BOYS DON'T GET THEIRBALLS CUT OFF SUBURBIA?JAY(OBLIV)WHAT'S WH THE KNIFE? WE HAVGKE OR SOMETHG?CHRISSYHOLY SH--HE'S RETARD, TO BOOT.JAY(TO SILENT BOB)YO--SHE LLED YOU RETARD.SISSY(TO JTICE)WHAT'S WRONG WH YOU, JTICE? YOUDO REMEMBER WHERE WE'RE GOG, DON'TYOU?MISSYTHAT WE DO HAVE A JOB TO DO?JUSTICETHEY'RE JT GONNA TAG ALONG FOR AFEW . THEY WON'T GET THEWAY, I PROMISE.(CUTY)PLEASE?SISSYFE--THEY N RI WH . BUTTHEY'RE SO OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE GETTO BOULR.JUSTICEHONT INJUN.CHRISSY"HONT INJUN"?(TO SISSY)I N'T BELIEVE WHAT A PHOVER YOUARE.JAYAND I N'T BELIEVE FE-ASS BCHLIKE YOURSELV EAT THAT SH. DON'TYOU KNOW FAST FOOD MAK GIRLS FART?SUDNLY, JAY AND BOB ARE PARTED BY BRENT, WHO'S GETTGTO THE VAN.BRENTSAY--WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUTFARTG?SISSY, MISSY, AND CHRISSY IMMEDIATELY GO OM DISGTED TOSWEET AND AIRY, TOTALLY SWCHG CHARACTERS.SISSY/CHRISSY/MISSYHI BRENT!SISSYTHIS IS BRENT. HE'S WH , TOO.CHRISSYBRENT, TELL THE SILLI THAT GIRLSDON'T FART.BRENTOF URSE THEY DON'T! ONLY SKEEVYSTONERS FART.THE VERY WHE BRENT PUTS HIS HAND OUT TO BE SLAPPED BY JAYAND SILENT BOB.BRENTWHAT UP, HOMI?(OFF THE GIRLS)WOW, THREE GUYS, FOUR GIRLS--(TO JAY AND BOB)WHAT'S THE UNT BOYS?JAY AND BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND ROLL THEIR EY.EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE VAN DRIV DOWN THE ROAD. WE HEAR SGG OM SI.INT. VAN--DAYBRENT STMS A GUAR AND SGS, AS THE GIRLS AND JAY ANDBOB LISTEN, ROLLG EY.BRENTHEY THERE MISTER SCIENCE-GUY. DON'TSPRAY THAT AEROSOL MY EYE. FOR IDON'T REALLY WANT TO DIE. I'M A NOBLERABB!JAYWHAT'RE YOU GUYS, LIKE A VER BANDOR SOMETHG?SISSYWE'RE THE KANSAS STATE CHAPTER OFS.A.A.C.--STUNTS AGAST ANIMALCELTY.CHRISSYAND WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO COLORADO TOGIVE PROVASIK A PIECE OF OUR MDS!EVERYONE LETS OUT A WHOOP, EXCEPT JAY AND BOB.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BCH BABBLGABOUT?BRENTHEY! WATCH THE LANGUAGE LTLE BOY.THERE ARE FEMAL PRENT.JAY AND SILENT BOB EYEBALL BRENT, UNTIL JTICE DISTRACTSTHEM.JUSTICEPROVASIK PHARMACTILS IS A MEDILLAB WHERE THEY PERFORM GROSSEXPERIMENTS ON ANIMALS.JAYSO, WHAT KD OF ANIMALS ARE WETALKG ABOUT HERE--LIKE BEARS ANDRHOS?BRENTNO--MORE LIKE RABBS, DOGS, TS...HECK, EVEN MONKEYS, IF WE DON'T SPEAKFOR THEM, WHO WILL?(TOUCH JTICE'SARM)RIGHT, JSY?JAY SE THIS AND HIS EY FLARE OVER THE PETN. AFTERA BEAT, HE RELAX.JAYHEY, UH--BRENT? CAN I TALK TO YOUOVER HERE FOR A SEND?BRENT JOS JAY, STMMG HIS GUAR. JAY ADDRS HIMNFINTIALLY.JAYBE HONT, YO--YOU'RE DOWN WH THISFOR THE FE-ASS PSY, RIGHT?BRENTI'M DOWN WH THIS BEE I LOVEANIMALS, STUPID.JAYEVEN SHEEP?BRENTOF URSE. SHEEP ARE BETIFULCREATUR.JAYTHEY ARE BETIFUL, AREN'T THEY?BRENTOH GOD, Y.JAYSO THEN YOU'D FUCK A SHEEP?BRENTWHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE LTLE BOY? YOU'VEGOT A SICK AND TWISTED WORLDPERSPECTIVE.JAYNO, YOU MISUNRSTAND ME, PRCEVALIANT. I MEAN IF YOU WERE ANOTHERSHEEP. WOULD YOU FUCK A SHEEP IFYOU WERE ANOTHER SHEEP?BRENTI--SUPPOSE SO.JAYTHAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.(SUDNLY LOUDLY, TOALL)YO! THIS MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T ONE OFUS! HE JUST SAID HE'D FUCK A SHEEP!EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYTHE SI DOOR OF THE VAN SLIS OPEN AND BRENT GETS HURLEDOUT OF THE MOVG VEHICLE. JAY THROWS HIS GUAR AT HIM ASWELL, YELLG AND FLIPPG THE BIRD AS THE VAN DRIV OFF.JAYYA DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!!!EXT. HIGHWAY--LATERTHE VAN DRIV DOWN THE ROAD.INT. VAN--SAMEMISSY DRIV. SISSY SS THE PASSENGER SEAT. CHRISSY KNEELSBETWEEN THEM.CHRISSYWHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?SISSYSHUT UP, I'M THKG.IN THE BACK, JTICE STUDI SOME BLUEPRTS. JAY JOS HER,AND SHE QUICKLY FOLDS THEM UP.JAYIS HOLLYWOOD NEAR WHERE WE'RE GOG?JUSTICEIS THAT WHERE YOU GUYS ARE OM?JAYCH'YEAH, RIGHT. JERSEY REPRENT!JUSTICEOH, A JERSEY BOY. WHAT BRGS YOUALL THE WAY OUT HERE?JAYWELL, WE ULDN'T HANG ONT OFTHE QUICK STOP NO MORE, 'E OFTHE STRAEN-EN ORR, WHICH SUCKSASS 'E 'S BEEN LIKE OUR HOMCE WE WERE KIDS. SILENT BOB EVENBTED HIS CHERRY THERE.JUSTICE(TO BOB)YOU DID? I'LL BET SHE WAS A LUCKYGIRL.BOB BLH, JAY DON'T LIKE THAT JTICE'S ATTENTN HASSTRAYED.JAYLOOK, FUCK THAT FAT FUCK--I'M TRYGTO TELL A STORY HERE.JUSTICESORRY.JAYANYWAY, WE WERE TALKG TO BRODIEAND HE SAID THERE'S GONNA BE ABLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC MOVIE. SO WEWENT TO SEE HOLN MCNEIL, AND HHOWED THE INTER, AND THAT'SWHERE WE FOUND ALL THE FUCKGLTLE JERKOFFS WERE SAYG SHABOUT . SO WE CID TO GO TOHOLLYWOOD AND STOP THE MOVIE OMGETTG MA. AND NOW WE'RE HERE.JUSTICEWOW. I HAVE NO IA WHAT YOU JTSAID.JAYYEAH, I GET THAT A LOT. SO YOU LIKEANIMALS, HUH?JUSTICESURE.JAYTHAT'S OL. EVEN SNAK?JUSTICEYOU N'T EXCLU AN ANIMAL JTBEE 'S NOT CUDDLY. OF URSE ILIKE SNAK.JAYHOW ABOUT TROER SNAK?JUSTICEWHAT'S A TROER SNAKE?JT THEN, A LTLE JAY DEVIL APPEARS ON JAY'S LEFT SHOULR.JAY DEVIL(TO JAY)WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAG FOR?SHE WENT FOR THE SETUP! REACH YOUR FUCKG PANTS, AND PULL YERCK OUT, BCH! THAT'S THE KDASH GIRLS LIKE!SUDNLY ANOTHER LTLE JAY DEVIL APPEARS JAY'S RIGHTSHOULR.JAY DEVIL 2RIGHT ABOUT HERE'S WHERE THE ANGEL'SSUPPOSED TO SHOW UP AND TELL YOU NOTTO PULL YOUR DICK OUT. BUT WE BCH-SLAPPED THAT LTLE FUCK AND SENTHIM PACKG, SO 'S SMOOTH SAILG.LET 'ER RIP, BOY!THEY DISAPPEAR LTLE PUFFS OF SMOKE AND JAY SHOV HISHAND DOWN HIS PANTS, GETTG READY TO WHIP OUT HIS DICK,WHEN SUDNLY A LTLE JAY ANGEL APPEARS ON HIS SHOULR,BBG A SWOLLEN JAW.JAY ANGELSORRY I'M LATE. SO WHAT'S THE ALHERE?(LOOKS DOWN)OH, SH--YOU'RE NOT THKG OFWHIPPG YOUR DICK OUT AT THIS FEPIECE OF WOMAN, ARE YOU?JAY THKS, THEN NODS "Y." THE JAY ANGEL ROLLS HIS EY,AND SLAPS HIM.JAY ANGELTELL YOU WHAT: LOOK AT SILENT BOB.SEE IF HE THKS 'S A GOOD IA TOWHIP YOUR DICK OUT.JAY LOOKS TO SILENT BOB. SILENT BOB LOOKS OM JAY'S HAND HIS PANTS TO JAY AND SHAK HIS HEAD "NO," STERNLY. JAYWHDRAWS HIS HAND OM HIS PANTS. THE JAY ANGEL NODS,SATISFIED.JAY ANGELTHAT'S , BOY--PUT THE DICK DOWN.YOU GOTTA GO OM THE HEART, YO. NOLTLE PERV BULLSH WILL DO FORTHIS ONE. BE SMOOTH. BE DON JUAN LA NOOTCH. NOW I GOTTA GO BEAT THH OUT OF TWO SUCKERPUNCHG LTLEBCH. REMEMBER--DON'T PULL YOURDICK OUT UNTIL SHE ASKS YOU TO.(BEAT)OR UNTIL SHE SLEEPG. BUNNNNGGG!THE JAY ANGEL BLKS AWAY. JTICELOOKS AT JAY, A B NFED.JAYDON'T ASK.(BEAT)SO, UH--WHAT N A PIMP-DADDY LIKEME DO TO HELP THE ANIMALS?JUSTICEYOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HELP --JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKG ABOUT?SURE I DO. I'D DO ANYTHG FOR YOU.JTICE S. JAY TRI TO REVER.JAYI MEAN, YOE GUYS! I'D DO ANYTHGFOR YOE GUYS. FOR THE LIFT ANDSH.JUSTICEYOU SURE?JAYSURE, I'M SURE. I SAID , DIDN'T I.FUCKJUSTICEWELL--OKAY. LET ME TALK OVER WHTHE OTHER GIRLS AND GET BACK TO YOU.JAYYOU DO THAT.JAY TAK JTICE'S HAND AND KISS .JAYI'LL BE RIGHT HERE.HE WKS AT HER, S AND MOV TO THE OTHER SI OF THEN, NEAR SILENT BOB. HE'S STILL SG AT JTICE ANDWKG WHEN HE LOOKS TO SILENT BOB WHO STAR AT HIM BLANKLY,THEN IMAT JAY'S HAND-KISSG BACK AT HIM, JAY SWLS.JAYFUCK YOU. FATTY.EXT. CONVENIENCE STORY--DAYTHE VAN PULLS UP AND ALL PILE OUT, STRETCHG. THE GIRLSHEAD TOWARD THE STORE. JTICE LLS OVER TO JAY AND SILENTBOB.JUSTICEYOU GUYS WANT ANYTHG OM SI?JAYNO, WE'RE OL, THANKS HON.JTICE S AND HEADS SI. JAY AND SILENT BOB STUDYTHE ONT OF THE FOREIGN NVENIENCE STORE. THEY LOOK FOR APLACE TO LEAN, TRY A FEW SPOTS OUT, THEN SETTLE TO ONE.AFTER A BEAT--JAYIT JT A'T THE SAME, IS ? THISPLACE LICKS BALLS PARED TO QUICKSTOP.SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD "YEAH."JAYAND SPEAKG OF LICKG BALLS--HOW'BOUT THAT JTICE CHICK? SHE IS TOOFE. AND SHE SMELLS SO FUCKGPRETTY. SHE'S GOT A NICE VOICE, TOO.AND THAT BODY? SMOKG. YOU KNOW,SHE NEVER ONCE SAID "FUCK OFF," WHENI WAS TALKG TO HER, OR PULLED OUTTHE PEPPER SPRAY, OR NOTHG. I TELLYA, LUNCHBOX--SHE ULD BE THE ONE.INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYJTICE IS AT THE MICROWAVE WHEN SHE'S SUDNLY SURROUNDBY THE OTHER GIRLS.MISSYSMOOTH MOVE, JTICE.CHRISSY(SLAPPG JTICPSI THE HEAD)NICE GOG, FOUR EY!JUSTICEOW!SISSYWHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THAT LTLTONER THROW BRENT OUR OF THE VAN?!JUSTICEOH PLEASE--IF I HAD TO LISTEN TO ONEMORE OF THOSE STUPID SONGS, I WASGOG TO THROW HIM OUT MYSELF.SISSYWE NEED BRENT, JTICE! HE WAS OURPATSY!JUSTICEWE'LL FD SOMEONE ELSE. BIS, IDIDN'T SEE YOU TRYG TO STOP JAYOM THROWG HIM OUT.SISSYBEE I DIDN'T WANT TO BLOW OURVER!JUSTICECOVER, SHMOVER--YOU ALL HATED HISSONGS, TOO.CHRISSYNOT AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU.JTICE OFFERS CHRISSY A LD GLANCE,CHRISSYFUCK, IF I DON'T GET TO KILL SOMEONOON, I'M GONNA--FUCKG KILL SOMEONE!SISSY(BBG CHRISSY'SSHOULRS)DON'T MD CHRISSY. SHE'S JT ALTLE TOO WOUND FOR SOUND.CHRISSYTHEN HOW ABOUT YOU HELP ME TAKE THEEDGE OFF?CHRISSY GRABS MISSY FORCEFULLY AND THE PAIR MAKE OUT, HOTAND HEAVY THE MIDDLE OF THE NVENIENCE STORE. OTHERCTOMERS REGARD THEM WI-EYED.JUSTICE(TO CTOMERS)THEY'RE REALLY GOOD IENDS.SISSY(TO CHRISSY AND MISSY)WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK OFF? WE'RE THE FUCKG HEARTLAND HERE! TRY TOBLEND!JUSTICETHEY ALREADY DO--SHE'S THE KMAID,AND SHE'S THE W.CHRISSYOH, I'M A W, AM I? I'M A MAD W,BCH. AND NOW I'M GONNA RIP YOURHEAD OFF AND FUCK YOUR SPE STUMP.SISSYENOUGH!(LM TO JTICE)WE HAVE A VERY SIMPLE GANG HERE,JTICE. I'M THE BRAS, CHRISSY'STHE BRAWN, AND MISSY'S THE TECH-GIRL.BUT LATELY, I'M HAVG A HARD TIMEFIGURG OUT WHAT YOU'RE DOG HERE.JUSTICETHAT MAK TWO OF .CHRISSYSH--YOUR NAME DON'T EVEN F THERHYME SCHEME.JUSTICETHAT'S BEE VERY FEW NAM RHYMEWH "DOUCHEBAG."CHRISSY(GETTG HER FACE)YOU'RE DANCG ON MY LAST NERVE,STRAWBERRY SHORTKE.(TO SISSY)YOU AL WH THE WEAK LK. I'MGONNA TAKE MISSY TO THE DIRTYNVENIENCE STORE BATHROOM AND HATE-FUCK THE SH OUT OF HER.CHRISSY DRAGS MISSY OFF. JTICE AND SISSY WATCH THEM GO.JUSTICEAND YOU SAID LETTG THEM READ ALLTHAT ANAIS N WOULDN'T AMOUNT TOANYTHG.SISSYDON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. YOU KNOWWHAT YOU HAVE TO DO NOW, RIGHT? SCEYOU LET OUR PATSY SLIP AWAY, YOU'VEGOTTA NVCE THE LTLE KID ANDTHAT FAT GUY TO TAKE HIS PLACE.THEY'VE GOTTA BREAK TO PROVASIKNOW.JUSTICEUH-UH!SISSYUH-HUH. YOU'LL DO ; OR YOU'RE OUTOF THIS GANG. JT E THE LTLEONE'S CSH TO NVCE HIM, SCEHE'S SO FUCKG LOVE WH YOU.JUSTICEJAY? NO HE'S NOT.SISSYWHAT--AM I BLD? HE WASN'T KISSGYOUR HAND BACK THE VAN LIKE HEWAS FUCKG LORD BYRON?JUSTICEWELL, MAYBE HE WAS JT RAISED WHMANNERS.EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYA GIRL WALKS PAST JAY AND BOB, HEADG OUT OF THE STORE.JAY(TO EXED GIRL)YO, BABY! YOU EVER HAVE YOUR ASSHOLELICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN OVERCOAT?!(TO BOB)YEAH.INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYSISSY NTU TO NONT JTICE.SISSYYOU'RE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT THE KID, JSY. SO YOU'VE GOTTA MAKEAMENDS.JUSTICEJAY IS NOT TAKG BRENT'S PLACE ASTHE PATSY.SISSYTHAT KID AND HIS QUE IEND AREOUR ONLY OPTNS AT THIS POT. NOWWE GOT ABOUT TWO HOURS BEFORE WE GETTO BOULR. THAT GIV YOU PLENTY OFOF TIME TO WORK ON HIM.JUSTICEI'M NOT GONNA DO .SISSYWHY THE FUCK NOT?JUSTICEBEE HE'S JT TO SO NOCENT!JTICE LOOKS OUT THE WDOW AND S, SEEG JAY DANCGALONGSI BOB.JUSTICELOOK AT HIM--EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAMEJAY'S DANCG STILL, BUT NOW WE HEAR WHAT HE'S SINGING TOSILENT BOB.JAYI'M GONNA FGER-FUCK HER TIGHT LTLEASSHOLE! FGER-BANG AND TEA-BANG MYBALLS-- HER MOUTH! WHERE? WHERE?IN HER MOUTH--BALLS-A-PLENTY HERMOUTH! BALLS, BALLS, SWEATY BALLS--INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAMESISSY EYEBALLS JTICE, WHO'S STILL LOOKG OUT AT JAY.SISSYWHO'S GOG TO BE, JSY--HIM OS?JTICE LOOKS AT SISSY. SISSY NODS AT HER. JTICE LOOKSBACK OUT AT JAY.INT. VAN--DAYJTICE TALKS TO JAY AND SILENT BOB.JAYSTEAL A MONKEY? SH--NO PROBLEM.JUSTICEIT'S NOT REALLY STEALG--'SLIBERATG , AND--(FALLY HEARS HIM)WA A SEND--DID YOU SAY, "NOPROBLEM"?JAYYEAH, FUCK--WE STEAL MONKEYS ALL THETIME.(TO BOB)RIGHT, LUNCHBOX?SILENT BOB GLAR AT JAY.JUSTICEIT'S NOT LIKE 'S A BAD THG. IT'SFOR A GOOD E.JAYOH, FOR THE BT E, MON CHERI--(TAK HER HAND)THE E OF LOVE.(KISS HER HAND,THEN RELEAS)SNOOGANS--JUSTICEWHAT THE HECK IS THAT?JAYWHAT'S WHAT?JUSTICE"SNOOGANS," I BELIEVE WAS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THK MEANS?IT MEANS "I'M KIDDG."JUSTICEOHHH. WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.SHE S AT JAY, TOUCH HIS CH AND HEADS TO THE ONTOF THE VAN. JAY PLAYS OL UNTIL SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT, THENHUMPS SILENT BOB'S LEG LIKE A DOG.JAY(SGG)I N'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA GET SOMEPSY FOR STEALG A MONKEY!(SPEAKG)IF I'D KNOWN WAS THAT EASY, I'D'VEBEEN STEALG MONKEYS SCE I WASLIKE SEVEN AND SH.JAY LOOKS AT SILENT BOB, WHO CLEARLY DISAPPROV.JAYDON'T, MOTHERFUCKER. DON'T YOU THIS FOR ME. ME AND JTICE ARE GONNAGET MARRIED ONE DAY, SO DON'T BEGIVG ME THAT "WE-A'T-STEALG-NO-MONKEY" LOOK. I'M MORRIS DAY; YOU'REJEROME, BCH. DON'T FET THAT.THAT GIRL? THAT GIRL'S LOVE WHME.UP ONT, JTICE TALKS TO SISSY, WHILE MISSY DRIV.JUSTICETHEY'RE GONNA DO .SISSYGOOD. THEY DO THEIR PART--(PATS A VIO MERA)AND WE'LL DO OURS.JTICE EY SISSY, THEN SLUMPS HER SEAT.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTTHE VAN ROLLS UP ACROSS THE STREET OM THE PROVASIK LABS,PARKG ONT OF ANOTHER LARGE BUILDG.INT. VAN--SAMEJAY AND SILENT BOB GET OUT, ALONG WH JTICE. THEY WEARNJA MASKS. MISSY AND CHRISSY FOLLOW.JUSTICEREMEMBER--WE MEET BACK HERE WHENYOU'RE DONE. YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAYWH THIS?JAYAS SURE AS I AM THAT YOU'RE THEHOTTT BCH I EVER SEEN.CHRISSY LUNG AT JAY, MISSY HOLDS HER BACK, DRAGGG CHRISSYAWAY.JAYWHAT'S TWISTG THAT BCH'S TS?JUSTICEMAYBE 'S BEE WOMEN DON'T LIKETO BE LLED "BCH," JAY.JAYTHEY DON'T? WELL HOW 'BOUT "PIECE OFASS"?JUSTICEHOW ABOUT NOT.JAYWELL, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TOLL YOU, THEN?JUSTICESOMETHG SWEET, YOU BIG GOOF.SOMETHG NICE.JAY(THKS; THEN)BOO-BOO KTY FUCK.JUSTICE(LGHG)OKAY. THAT'S A START.SISSY JUMPS OUT OF THE VAN, HOLDG THE VIO MERA, AIMG AT JAY AND BOB.SISSYJAY, BEFORE YOU GO, ULD YOU SAYSOMETHG TO THE MERA ABOUT THECLORIS.JAYWHAT?JUSTICE(TO SISSY)MAN YOU ARE SUCH A BCH--SISSY(OFF JTICE; TO JAY)SHE'S JT A LTLE EMBARRASSED.SEE, JSY AND I ARE PUTTG TOGETHERTHIS DOCUMENTARY FOR OUR HUMANSEXUALY CLASS, AND WE NEED A MALEPERSPECTIVE ON THE CLORIS.JAYTHE FEMALE CLORIS?SISSYUH--YEAH.JUSTICEJAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.SHE ELBOWS SISSY.JAYNAH, 'S OL, HON. THERE'S A FEWTHGS I N SAY ABOUT THE CL THATI'S LIKE YOU TO HEAR.(CLEARS THROAT; TOMERA)I AM THE MASTER OF THE CL! I MAKETHAT SH WORK! IT DO WHAT EVERTHE FUCK I TELL TO DO! NO ONEL THE CL LIKE ME!(OFF SILENT BOB)NOT THIS LTLE FUCK! NONE OF YOULTLE FUCKS OUT THERE! I AM THECL MANR!!! REMEMBER THAT--MANR OF ALL CLS!JAY PROCEEDS TO MAKE SOME PSY-EATG FAC. JTICE SHAKHER HEAD AT SISSY, WHO SNAPS THE MERA CLOSED AND S.SISSYAWOME. KNOCK 'EM AD, TIGER.SISSY CLIMBS BACK TO THE VAN.JAY(TO JTICE)SO--N I GET A LTLE KISS FOR GOODLUCK?JTICE S AT JAY, THEN KISS HIM SWEETLY ON THE LIPS.JAYSO--N I GET A LTLE BLOW JOB FOOD LUCK?JTICE S AND PULLS JAY'S MASK DOWN. HE HEADS OFF,REVEALG SILENT BOB BEHD HIM, LIPS PUCKERED, HANDG MIDAIR. JAY REACHED BACK TO THE AME, PULLG BOB OUT.JTICE WATCH THEM GO.SISSYJSY. C'MON.JTICE CLIMBS BACK TO THE VAN.INT. VAN--SAMEJTICE SS, GLARG AT SISSY.SISSYHEY, LOVER-GIRL. YOU CK-BLOCK MYTHORY AGA, YOU LOSE YOUR FUCKGONTS, YOU GOT THAT?JUSTICEY, SIR.SISSY TAK THE TAPE OUT OF THE MERA AND HANDS OFF TOMISSY, BI WHOM IS A BAG FULL OF HIGH-TECH EQUIPMENT.SISSYPHASE ONE, DOWN. WHILE WE'RE EXECUTGPHASE TWO, YOU ED THAT TAPE ANDGRAB A NEW R.MISSYNO SWEAT.SISSYLET'S SU UP.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTJAY AND SILENT BOB TUCK-AND-ROLL ACROSS THE ONT LAWN,STOPPG AT THE BUILDG. SILENT BOB PULLS A GRAPPLING GUNOUT OF HIS AT. HE FIR TO THE AIR AS JAY QUICKLYGIV THE "METAL" SIGN, AND THE PAIR ARE LIFTED OUT-OF-AME.INT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTIT'S AD QUIET AND STILL. THEN, THE PAIR SMASH THROUGH AWDOW, LANDG THE FLOOR A BALL. THEY LIFT THEIR NJAHOODS. JAY GLAR AT SILENT BOB.JAYYOU FAT FUCK--INT. VAN--NIGHTMISSY PEERS THROUGH BOCULARS OUT THE WDOW.SISSYTHEY ?MISSYYOU N SAY THAT.SISSYTIME TO SHE. LET'S GO.EXT. VAN--NIGHTTHE QUARTET PIL OUT OF THE VAN, AND WE GET OUR FIRST LOOKAT THEM: SEXILY GEARED UP FOR ACTN, WEARG ALL BLACK.THEY HEAD FOR A SEPARATE BUILDING. STOPPG AT THE ONTDOOR.SISSY GTUR ELABORATELY TO MISSY, AND MISSY GTURELABORATELY BACK, RACG AWAY TO THE NIGHT. JTICE OFFERSSISSY A LOOK.JUSTICEYOU ARE SO GAY.CHRISSY STICKS A BOX ON THE DOOR AND PRS A BUTTON. ON ADIGAL READOUT, NUMBERS ROLL UNTIL THEY STOP ON FOURDIFFERENT DIGS. THE DOOR LOCK CLICKS OPEN.SISSYONCE WE'RE SI, I WANT PLETILENCE.(HOLDG UP HIGH-TECHVICE)MISSY WHIPPED THIS UP. IT UNTS OURCIBEL LEVEL. IF GO TO THERED--ALARM, WE'RE AD. SO NOT EVENTHE SLIGHTT NOISE, GOT ?JTICE BLOWS HER OFF. SISSY ENTERS THE BUILDG, FOLLOWEDCLOSELY BY CHRISSY. JTICE LGERS AT THE DOOR, TAKG ONELAST LOOK BACK AT THE PROVASIK BUILDG, ETTG FOR JAYAND BOB.SISSY(POK HER HEAD BACKOUT)JTICE! MOVE YOUR ASS!JTICE HEADS SI. WE PAN UP TO REVEAL A SIGN THAT READS:BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE.INT. PROVASIK TESTING ROOM--NIGHTJAY AND BOB STAND THERE, LOOKG AROUND THE ROOM.IT'S L WH G, ALL OF WHICH NTA SAD-LOOKGANIMALS. A TEAR FORMS SILENT BOB'S EYE. JAY ROLLS HISEY AND HS HIM.JAYSTAY OSTY, YOU BIG FUCKG SOFTIE.WE'VE GOT A JOB TO DO.SILENT BOB NODS AND CLICKS ON A FLASHLIGHT. THE PAIR WATHROUGH THE G. JAY STOPS AT AN EMERGENCY BOX HANGG ONTHE WALL. INSI , THERE'S A PISTOL.JAYCHECK THIS OUT, LUNCHBOX. ANIMALTRANQUILIZER. THIS SH FUCKS YOU UPLIKE PERCETS!JAY ELBOWS THE GLASS, BREAKG . HE TAK THE GUN OUT ANDTOSS TO BOB.JAYHOLD THIS. LATER, ME AND JTICE NSHOOT EACH OTHER WH AND FUCKLIKE STONED TT BUNNI. BUNNGGG.SILENT BOB ROLLS HE EY AND STICKS THE GUN HIS AT. THEPAIR LOOK THROUGH THE G, UNTIL HEAR THE DISTCT SOUNDOF A MONKEY. JAY DIRECTS SILENT BOB'S FLASHLIGHT TO THE GEOM WHERE THE SOUND EMTED. HE S.JAY(READG)"SUZANNE." BOO-YAH.INT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHTTHE THREE GIRLS STAND AT THE END OF A LARGE HALLWAY. AT THEOTHER END IS A GLASS SE, FULL OF DIAMONDS.SISSY PULLS AND AEROSOL N OM HER UTILY BELT AND SPRAYSTHE AIR THE HALLWAY. SHE WATCH THE CIBEL MONOR,WHICH RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY AT THE SOUND OF THE SPRAY. SUDNLY,WH THE MIST, LASER BEAMS BEE APPARENT.SISSY HANDS THE CIBEL MONOR TO CHRISSY AND TAK A FEWSTEPS BACK, SHAKG HER HANDS TO LIMBER UP. SHE THEN NSFORWARD AND DO AN IMPRSIVE SERI OF FLIPS DOWN THEHALLWAY, NOT TOUCHG A SGLE LASER BEAM.CHRISSY CHECKS THE CIBEL MONOR, WHICH RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY.ONCE SISSY'S FLIPPG TO A STOP AT THE OTHER END OFTHE HALLWAY NEAR THE DIAMOND SE, SHE MAK A HAND GTURETO JTICE. JTICE NODS, AND PROCEEDS TO DO THE SAME SERIOF FLIPS DOWN THE HALLWAY, NOT TRIPPG THE ALARM.CHRISSY CHECKS THE CIBEL MONOR, WHICH RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY.JTICE LANDS BI SISSY, AND THEN SISSY GTUR TOCHRISSY.CHRISSY TOSS THE CIBEL MONOR OVER THE LASER BEAMS,SISSY TCH , AND THE MONOR RIS ONLY SLIGHTLY.THEN, CHRISSY PROCEEDS WH HER SERI OF FLIPS, WHICH AREEVEN MORE IMPRSIVE THAN THE OTHER TWO, CLUDG NNGUP WALLS AND PHG TO HANDSTAND FLIPS. WHEN SHE PASSTHE LAST LASER BEAM, SHE LANDS BETWEEN SISSY AND JTICE,ARMS THE AIR LIKE A GYMNAST. THEN, SHE LETS OUT A LOUD,MANLY FART.THE CIBEL MONOR GO RED AND AN ALARM STARTS RINGINGTHROUGH THE BUILDG.CHRISSYHOLY FUCK--THE LTLE STONER WASRIGHT--SISSY SHUTTERS THE GLASS SURROUNDG THE DIAMONDS. SHE OURSTHEM TO A BAG, AND RAC BACK DOWN THE HALLWAY, FOLLOWEDBY JTICE AND CHRISSY.EXT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHTTHE GIRLS EMERGE OM THE DIAMOND EXCHANGE, JT AS MISSYPULLS UP A CONVERTIBLE.CHRISSYBOOM BOX!MISSY TOSS A METAL BOX TO CHRISSY, WHO TCH AND RACTOWARD THE VAN, WHILE SISSY AND JTICE PILE TO THENVERTIBLE.SISSYI N'T BELIEVE . MONTHS OF PLANNGAND 'S ALL BLOWN BY A FUCKG FART.JUSTICEWE N'T JT LEAVE THEM LIKE THIS!THAT ALARM'S GONNA BRG THE PSHERE ANY MUTE!SISSYTHAT WAS ALWAYS THE PLAN, JTICE!THEY TAKE THE HEAT OFF OF IS LONGENOUGH UNTIL WE N GET OUT OF TOWN!CHRISSY ATTACH THE METAL BOX TO THE SI OF THE VAN.CHRISSYKABOOM, YOU LTLE STONER FUCKS.THE GIRLS PULL UP THE NVERTIBLE AND CHRISSY JUMPS TOTHE R WH THEM.CHRISSYIT'S SET. LET'S ROLL.THE NVERTIBLE SCREECH AWAY, LEAVG THE N STG THERE.THE METAL HAS MAGILLY ATTACHED TO THE SI IS UNTGDOWN OM TWO MUT.INT. PROVASIK TESTING LAB--NIGHTJAY AND BOB RRY A LARGE NVAS BAG BETWEEN THEM. SOMETHGSEEMS TO MOVE SI . THE HEAD FOR THE EX, BUT SILENTBOB HAT, OFFERG A SAD LOOK TO THE ANIMALS ALL THEG. JAY HS HIM.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKG AT?THERE A'T NO SNACKS HERE, MAN! NOWWE GOT WHAT WE ME FOR, SO LET'SGET THE FUCK OUT!SILENT BOB HALF-GTUR TO THE G, FORLORN. JAY SHAKHIS HEAD TRATED.JAYYEAH, 'S SAD! BUT WHAT THE FUCKARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT ?SILENT BOB OFFERS JAY A LOOK.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHTTHE ONT DOORS BURST OPEN, SPILLG OUT JAY, SILENT BOB(RRYG THEIR BAG), AND HUNDREDS OF ANIMALS--TS, DOGS,BIRDS, RABBS. ALL RACE OFF TO THE NIGHT.JAY AND BOB RACE TOWARD THE VAN. JAY SCREAMS AT .JUSTICEJUSTICE! OPEN THE DOORS!SUDNLY, JAY AND BOB STOP AD THEIR TRACKS.JAYOH SH--THREE COP CARS SCREECH UP, THE VAN BETWEEN THEM AND JAY ANDBOB. THE COPS LEAP OUT OF THEIR CISERS, GUNS DRAWN. JAYLOOKS TO BOB, PISSEDCOPDROP THE BAG! BEFORE THIS THING TURNSEXPLOSIVE!THE UNTER ON THE VICE ATTACHED TO THE VAN HS "0," ANDTHE VAN BLOWS UP. JAY AND BOB GET THROWN BACKWARDS ONEDIRECTN, THE COPS THE OTHER. ON ALL FOURS, JAY LOOKSAT THE BURNG SHELL OF THE VAN, A TEAR FORMG HIS EYE.JAYJTICE--WE CRANE UP OM HIM AS HE BELLOWS--JAYJUUUSSSTTTTIIIICCCCEEEE!!!!!!SILENT BOB GRABS JAY AND DRAGS HIM OUT OF AME, STILLRRYG THE BAG.EXT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAYWE START ON A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT READS: FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL, COLORADO FIELD OFFICE, THEN PULL BACK TO SEE A DEPUTYOPENG THE DOOR AND HEADG SI.INT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAYTHE DEPUTY ENTERS JT AS A FAX IS G THROUGH AT ANOPERATNS BOARD. HE RIPS OFF, READG . HIS EY GOWI.DEPUTYOH, FUDGE...(LLG OFF)MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY!INT. BATHROOM--SAMEMARSHAL WILLENHOLLY SS ON THE BOWL, STARG AT FOUR LEGGEDLAW-MAN MAGAZE, EYEG LTILY. BELOW AME, HE JERKSOFF.WILLENHOLLYYEAH, YOU CHUG THAT ASS-CK BABY--IT TAK TWO HANDS TO HOLD DON'T--? UHHH--AS HE CLIMAX, A GANGG AT THE DOOR DISPTS HIM.WILLENHOLLYWHAT?! WHAT?! I'M READING!DEPUTY (O.S.)SIR, WE GOT A REPORT OF A BREAK-AT PROVASIK PHARMACTILS' TTGLAB.WILLENHOLLY EMERG OM THE BATHROOM, HOLDG THE MAGAZE.THERE'S A MASSIVE WET SPOT ON THE ONT OF HIS PANTS.WILLENHOLLYHAVE YOU READ THIS ARTICLE ON THEMULE-SUCKERS TIJUANA? GOOD GOD, IWISH THAT WAS OUR JURISDICTN--I'D SHUT DOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSEASS-CK CHUGGERS, PERSONALLY.THE DEPUTY LOOKS AT THE STA ON WILLENHOLLY'S PANTS, THENAT WILLENHOLLY.WILLENHOLLYWHAT? "ASS" MEANS "DONKEY."DEPUTYY, SIR.(HANDS HIM A FAX)WILLENHOLLY(LOOKS AT FAX)BOULR, HUNH? WELL, GAS UP THE JET.DEPUTYWE DON'T HAVE A JET, SIR. ANDBOULR'S ONLY TEN MUT AWAY.WILLENHOLLYTHEN GAS UP THE NEXT BT THG.EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--DAYTHERE ARE FIRE TRUCKS ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW. THE BURNED OUTVAN IS BEG POURED OVER BY COPS. JT THEN, WILLENHOLLYPULLS UP ON A MOPED. HE PARKS AND SURVEYS THE WRECKAGE.WILLENHOLLYMY, OH MY, OH MY. WHO LET THE TSOUT?(THKS)WA--IS THAT RIGHT?COP 1 (O.S.)EXCE ME--WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?WILLENHOLLY RIPS DOWN THE VELCRO PATCH ON HIS JACKET,REVEALG A BADGE.WILLENHOLLYFERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL. THISVTIGATN IS NOW UNR MYJURISDICTN.COP 1OH REALLY? AND WHY IS THAT?WILLENHOLLYBEE SOMEONE LET A WHOLE MS OFANIMALS OUT OF THEIR G, SIR.COP 1WELL, WE BELIEVE THAT WAS JT ADIVERSNARY TACTIC ED TO LLATTENTN AWAY OM THE REAL HEISTOVER HERE AT THE DIAMOND EXCHANGE.WILLENHOLLYYEAH, RIGHT. THAT'S A BELIEVABLCENAR. IT SOUNDS MORE LIKOMETHG OUT OF A BAD MOVIE.WILLENHOLLY AND THE COP LOOK AT THE MERA. THEN, ANOTHERCOP JOS THEM.COP 2SIR, THE PROVASIK PEOPLE SAY THEY'VEROUND ALL THEIR ANIMALS UP, EXCEPTFOR ONE: AN ORANGUTAN.WILLENHOLLYLISTEN UP, LADI AND GENTLEMEN! OURFUGIVE HAS BEEN ON THE N FOR 6HOURS! AVERAGE SIMIAN FOOT SPEEDOVER UNEVEN GROUND--BARRG JURIOR PREOCCUPATN WH TIRE TUB,M OR BANANAS--IS FOUR ANHOUR. THAT GIV A RADI OF TWENTY.COP 3(LLG OUT OMCROWD)TWENTY-FOUR, SIR!WILLENHOLLYWHAT?COP 3SIX HOURS TIM FOUR AN HOURIS TWENTY-FOUR.WILLENHOLLY(DOG THE MATH HIS HEAD)Y. Y, YOU'RE RIGHT. MY BAD. TWENTY-FOUR . NOW WHAT I WANT OUT OFALL OF YOU IS A HARD TARGET SEARCH.COP 4EXCE ME, SIR?WILLENHOLLYYEAH?COP 4WHAT DO THAT MEAN, EXACTLY--A "HARDTARGET SEARCH"? WHAT'S A "HARDTARGET"?WILLENHOLLYWELL. IT'S--A TARGET--THAT'S--HARD.ANYWAY--COP 4SO ARE YOU REFERRG TO THE SEARCH'SLEVEL OF DIFFICULTY? OR IS THE HARDTARGET THE MONKEY?COP 3OR THE PEOPLE WHO STOLE THE MONKEY?THE COPS NOW CHATTER AMONGST THEMSELV, TO THE EFFECT OF"YEAH--IT ULD MEAN THAT TOO--HE'S GOT A POT--,"ETC.WILLENHOLLY BS HIS TEMPL.WILLENHOLLYOKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? WHAT I WANTOUT OF ALL OF YOU IS A THOROUGH SEARCHOF EVERY GAS STATN, RINCE,WAREHOE, FARMHOE, HENHOE,OUTHOE, AND DOGHOE THAT AREA!CHECKPOTS GO UP AT FIFTEEN !COP 1WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE TO PUT THEMUP AT EVERY TWENTY-FOUR --SEEGAS THAT'S HOW FAR THEY'D HAVE GOTTEN THE LAST SIX HOURS?THEY BEG CHATTERG AMONGST THEMSELV AGA. WILLENHOLLYLOOKS AT THEM ALL, FEATED. HE STARTS TO CRY.WILLENHOLLYTHIS IS SO TRATG. IT'S JT SOHARD SOMETIM--(YELLG)YOUR FUGITIVE'S NAME IS SUZANNE! GOFIND HER!ANOTHER COP JOS WILLENHOLLY, RRYG A LARGE, FAT ENVELOPE.COP 5SIR, THIS WAS JT LIVERED TO THTATN.WILLENHOLLYWHAT IS ?COP 5IT'S A TAPE OM THE TERRORISTS WHO'RECLAIMG CRED FOR THE BREAK-.WILLENHOLLYIS VHS OR BETA? YOU KNOW WHAT--NEVER MD. DO YOU HAVE A VCR?INT. OFFICE--DAYWILLENHOLLY AND THE COPS STARE AT THE O.C. TV, SHOCKED, ASTHE VIO ENDS.WILLENHOLLYOH MY GOD--(WHOUT LOOKG UP)HAVE THE JET GASSED UP AND READY TOGO AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE.COPSIR, WE DON'T HAVE A JET; JT AHELIPTER.WILLENHOLLY(DIALG HIS CELLPHONE)DON'T ANYBODY HAVE A JET ANYMORE?(TO CELL PHONE)PLAFSKY? IT IS WILLENHOLLY. YOU GOTTAGET ME ON THE NATNAL NEWS, PRONTO.WHY?! BEE WE MAY VERY WELL BEALG WH THE TWO MOST DANGEROMEN ON THE PLA!EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAYJAY AND SILENT BOB S CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, STARG AT--SUZANNE (THE ORANGUTAN)--WHO SS ON A LOG ACROSS OM THEM,STARG BACK.JAYTHIS IS JSY'S MONKEY(TO SUZANNE, ANGRILY)JUSTICE DIED FOR YOU, YOU MONKEYFUCK!SUZANNE VERS HER EY WH HER HANDS SUDNLY. JAY ANDSILENT BOB, STARTLE, WH JAY LEAPG BEHD SILENT BOB ANDPULLG BACK AS IF HE'S GOG TO STRIKE.JAY(TO SILENT BOB)DO SOMETHG. TONS OF FUN!SILENT BOB OFFERS THE APE A WEAK WAVE. SUZANNE DROPS HERHANDS OM HER FACE AND WAV BACK. JAY CRAN HIS NECK TOSEE OVER SILENT BOB.JAYIS THAT FUCKG THG WAVG AT ?SUZANNE NODS. JAY STEPS OUT OM BEHD BOB. THEY STATE ATTHE APE.JAYHOLY SH? THAT MONKEY UNRSTOOD! MAYBE 'S SOME SORT OF SUPER-MONKEY!SUZANNE OFFER THEM A "RASPBERRY." SPTG AS IF THE MENTWAS RIDICULO. JAY AND SILENT BOB REACT WH SURPRISE ATTHIS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR? IT'S NOTA STUPID IA! I SEEN CONGO?SUZANNE HOLDS HER NOSE, AS IF TO SAY, "CONGO STUNK." SILENTBOB S AGREEMENT AND AMEMENT. JAY LOOKS AT HIM,STUNG.JAYYOU'RE MY BCH. YOU GET MY BACK.DON'T GO JOG THIS CHIMP'S SI.JAY LOOKS AROUND THE WOODS, FORMULATG A THOUGHT. SILENTBOB MOV TOWARD THE APE, EXTENDG HIS HAND TO SHAKE HERS.JAYYO--WHAT IF THERE'S MORE SUPER MONKEYSUP THE LAB? MAYBE THEY'RE MAKGAN ARMY OF 'EM UP THERE! HOLY SH!MAYBE 'S A NSPIRACY--LIKE ON THEX-FIL ROSWELL--STYLE!JAY'S DELUSION: WE ENTER TO JAY'S HEAD AND SEE--INT. LAB--DAYWE PAN OVER OM A CHIMP A CHEMIST'S AT MEASURG LIQUIDS A PAIR OF BEAKERS TO A CHIMP AT A DRAFTG TABLE SKETCHGBLUEPRTS FOR AN SID WAR MACHE. AN ORANGUTAN SHAKHANDS WH A GROUP OF FIVE WELL-DRSED MEN, ONE OF WHICHLOOKS LIKE THE CIGARETTE SMOKG MAN OM THE X-FIL.JAY (V.O.)WORKG SECRET WH A CREW OFDOUBLE-ALG, NITE-FIENDGFUCKS THAT'RE SELLG OUT THE HUMANRACE, THE SUPERMONKEYS WILL IMIAN SCIENCE AND THEIR GENI IQ'STO MAKE MAN AND MONKEY ALIKE BELIEVETHAT THEY'RE THE SUPERR SPECI!EXT. BALCONY--DAYA MONKEY DRSED LIKE MSOLI ADDRS A HUGE CROWD OFAP, WHO WAVE FISTS THE AIR.JAY (V.O.)THEN ALL 'LL TAKE IS ONE LTLEMONKEY A SPIFFY SU TO WHIP THMBER CHIMPS TO A ENZY, UNTILTHEY GO ALL APE-SH AND STARTMANDG MORE BANANAS, BETTER PAY,AND HUMAN FLH!EXT. FIELD--DAYRANDAL LEADS A PACK OF HUMANS RACG THROUGH A RNFIELD,AND IS SHOT THE NECK. HE LLAPS, REVEALG A GORILLAON HORSEBACK HOLDG A RIFLE. TWO OTHER GORILLAS THROW A OVER HIM.JAY (V.O.)YOU'LL HAVE TO BE FASTER THAN WALTFLANAGAN'S DOG TO OUTN THE WARRRGORILLAS, WHO HUNT HUMANS FOR SPORT,PROF, AND THE OCSNAL TER-SPECI BLOW-JOB. AND IF YOU DON'TWD UP WH A MONKEY HOG YOURMOUTH, YOU'LL BE PTURED, KILLED ORWORSE...INT. LAB--DAYCORNELI AND ZERA-LOOKG CHIMPS DISSECT THE BRA OF ALIVG, SCREAMG, DANTE.JAY (V.O.)EATEN ALIVE!EXT. QUICK STOP--DAYTHE QUICK STOP IS OVERN BY V A JUNGLE LIKEATMOSPHERE. MONKEYS EX THE STORE RRYG BUNCH OFBANANAS. THE SIGN NOW READS: APE STOPJAY (V.O.)THEN THE MONKEY FUCKS'LL STARTWEARG OUR CLOTH AND REBUILDGTHE WORLD THEIR IMAGE.EXT. BEACH--DAYWE START ON A FULL SHOT OF JAY ON THE BEACH, LOOKG UP,THEN SNAP ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL JAY KNEELG BEFORE THE BEACHBURIED STATUE OF LIBERTY, SCREAMG, HIS ARMS RAISED.JAY (V.O.)AND ONLY THOSE WHO OUTW THOSE DAMNDIRTY AP'LL EVER REMEMBER THAT WAS MAN WHO ONCE LED THE EARTH!JAY(AT STATUE)YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUSE!!! GODDAMNYOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!WE DISSOLVE FROM THIS IMAGE TO:EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAYANOTHER CLOSE-UP OF JAY'S PATED FACE. BEHD HIM, SUZANNEAND SILENT BOB ARE PLAYG PATTY-KE. JAY EY SUZANNEANGRILY.JAYNOT ON MY WATCH, MOTHERFUCKER!JAY TURNS AND SH SUZANNE, FEROCLY.JAYDIE, YOU SUPER-MONKEY FUCK! DIE!!!JAY TRIPS ON A ROOT POKG OUT OF THE GROUND AND HS THEDIRT. SUZANNE THEN GO OVER TO JAY, PULLS HIS FACE TO HERS,AND KISS HIM ON THE LIPS.JAYALRIGHT--YOU N LIVE. FOR NOW.SILENT BOB HELPS JAY TO HIS FEET.JAYYOU SEE THAT? BCH LOVE ME.(HEADG OFF)BIS--WE'RE THE FUCKG CLEAR,YO. IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE KNOWS WTOLE THE MONKEY.INT. TV NEWS STATION--DAYAN ANCHORMAN ADDRS THE MERA.ANCHORMANI'M REG HARTNER AND THIS IS A NEWSNOW BULLET. A PROVASIK ANIMALTTG FACILY BOULR WAS THEFOC OF AN ATTACK BY A TERRORISTICPRIMATE RCUE SYNDITE LLGTHEMSELV THE COALN FORLIBERATN OF ITERANT TREE-DWELLERS.OR SIMPLY, C.L.I.T.A GRAPHIC OF THE C.L.I.T. LOGO APPEARS BI HIM, NAILGHOME THE JOKE.ANCHORMANIN A VIOTAPE SENT TO THORITHIS MORNG, CRED FOR THELIBERATN OF AN ORANGUTAN OM THELAB LAST NIGHT IS TAKEN BY THE MEN--A VIDEO CAPTURE OF JAY AND SILENT BOB OM PRE-BREAK--APPEARS ON SCREEN.ANCHORMAN--INTIFIED LERATURE THATACPANI THE TAPE AS JAY AND SILENTBOB. IN THIS CHILLG CLIP, THEYMAKE VERY CLEAR THAT THEY ARE NTROL OF THE C.L.I.T.ON SCREEN IS THE C.L.I.T. LOGO. A DIGIZED VOICE NARRAT.DIGITIZED VOICEWE ARE THE C.L.I.T. NONE OF YOU ARAFE. NOW TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHTOF OUR MERCILS LEAR.THE LOGO GIV WAY TO THE VIO OF JAY AND BOB THAT SISSYSHOT BEFORE THE PROVASIK BREAK-. JAY'S YELLG TO THEMERA.JAYI AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!!!COMG OUT OF THE VIO FOOTAGE, THE ANCHORMAN SHAK HISHEAD, CHILLED.ANCHORMANTERRIFYG. HERE TO HELP UNRSTANDTHIS FOOTAGE IS FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL WILLENHOLLY.PULL OUT TO REVEAL WILLENHOLLY BI THE ANCHORMAN.ANCHORMANMARSHAL, WHAT N YOU TELL ABOUTTHE C.L.I.T.?WILLENHOLLYFROM THE TELLIGENCE WE'VE BEENABLE TO GATHER, WE'VE DISVEREDTHAT THE C.L.I.T. IS A TY OFFSHOOTOF THE L.A.B.I.A.ANCHORMANTHE LIBERATE AP BEFORE IMPRISONGAP MOVEMENT.WILLENHOLLYEXACTLY. THE MEN YOU SAW THE VIOARE BELIEVED TO BE THE MASTERMDSRPONSIBLE FOR THE ENZIED C.L.I.T.ACTIVY LAST NIGHT. THEY GO BY THEOBV NAM "JAY" AND "SILENTBOB."(TO MERA)IF YOU SHOULD E ACROSS THEM ORANY OTHER C.L.I.T.-I, PLEASE--EXERCISE EXTREME UTN.INT. POTZEK'S INC. OFFICE--NIGHTON THE TV SCREEN IS WILLENHOLLY AND THE VIO PTURE OF JAYAND SILENT BOB. HOLN LOOKS UP OM HIS DRAWG TABLE,SHOCKED.ANCHORMAN (O.S.)(OM TV)MARSHAL, HOW DO YOU RPOND TOALLEGATNS THAT FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL'S OFFICE ALLOWED THE C.L.I.T.TO SLIP THROUGH THEIR FGERS?WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)NONSENSE. WE'RE ALL OVER THE C.L.I.T.,REG.HOLDEN(SHAK HIS HEAD)NIGHTS LIKE THIS, I MISS DATG ALBIAN.INT. QUICK STOP--NIGHTFROM BEHD THE REGISTER, DANTE AND RANDAL STARE AT THE TV,SLACK-JAWED.ANCHORMAN (O.S.)(OM TV)IS THERE ALSO SPECULATN THAT JAYAND SILENT BOB MAY BE RPONSIBLEFOR THE DIAMOND EXCHANGE JEWEL HEISTTHAT OCCURRED THE SAME VICYOF DOWNTOWN BOULR LAST NIGHT?WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)THERE'S NOTHG TO SUGGT THAT, NO.BUT THE MEN ARE STILL TO BENSIRED VERY DANGERO.RANDAL(TO DANTE)I TOLD YOU THAT RTRAG ORRWAS A GOOD IA.EXT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOMS--SAMEON THE SEND-FLOOR TERRACE OF A N-DOWN, ROADSI MOTEL,SISSY, MISSY AND CHRISSY DANCE THEIR UNDI AND DRKCHAMPAGNE. ON THE FIRST FLOOR TERRACE BELOW, JTICE LEANSAGAST THE OPEN SLIDG GLASS DOOR, WATCHG THE NEWS REPORTON A TV SI THE ROOM WH THE VOLUME TURNED WAY UP.ANCHORMAN(ON TV)IS THAT YOUR CELL PHONE?WILLENHOLLY(ON TV)Y, EXCE ME.(ON TV, TO CELLPHONE)FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL. I'M ON MYWAY!(SHUTS PHONE; TOANCHORMAN)WE GOT 'EM. THEY'RE UTAH.(TO MERA)CIZENS OF UTAH--STEER CLEAR OF THEC.L.I.T. STIMULATN OF THE C.L.I.T.IS NOT REMEND.JTICE TURNS THE TV OFF AND YELLS UP TO SISSY.JUSTICEYOUR TAPE WORKED. THE NEWS IS ALLABOUT JAY AND SILENT BOB'S PROVASIKBREAK-, WH ALMOST NO MENTN OFTHE DIAMOND HEIST.SISSY(YELLG DOWN TOJTICE)I TOLD YOU THOSE TWO WERE THE PERFECTPATSI. NOW WE LAY LOW FOR AWHILE--JT SE--AND START PLANNG THENEXT JOB.JUSTICEDON'T YOU FEEL ANY REGRET? JAY ANDBOB DON'T SERVE THIS. THEY WEREREALLY SWEET.CHRISSYTHE ONLY THG I REGRET IS NOT GUTTGTHAT LTLE TROUT-MOUTHED PRICK LIKEA FISH AND PLAYG TWISTER WH HISVALS.MISSYYOU ARE SO NASTY.CHRISSYI'LL SHOW YOU NASTY, YOU LTLE SLUT.SISSYWOULD YOU TWO GET A ROOM?CHRISSYFE--WE'LL TAKE YOURS.(GETTG UP SISSY'SFACE)I AM GONNA STA YOUR SHEETS, BI-OTCH.CHRISSY DANC AWAY WH MISSY, HEADG SI. SISSY ROLLSHER EY.SISSYSARAH LAWRENCE GIRLS. GO FIGURE.JUSTICETHEY'RE YOUR GANG.SISSYOH AND NOT YOURS? YOU KNOW, I DON'TGET YOU, JTICE. YOU ED TO BE ALLABOUT THE GIRL STUFF: STEALG,BONG, BLOWG SH UP. NOW YOU'RELIKE THIS LTLE PRISS WH ANSCIENCE. IT'S REALLY A FUCKGDRAG.JUSTICEWE ALL GOTTA GROW UP SOME TIME.SISSYIF MOPG AROUND OVER SOME LTLEBOY YOU'RE CSHG ON IS BEG GROWN-UP, THEN PASS ME MY WONR WOMANUNROOS.JUSTICEDON'T YOU FEEL THE LEAST B OF GUILTFOR WHAT WE DID TO THOSE GUYS?SISSYAWWW. DO JSY-WSY FEEL ALL DIRTYABOUT SETTG UP HER BOYIEND? THENHOW ABOUT TAKG A SHOWER?SISSY DUMPS THE BAG OF DIAMONDS OVER THE SI OF THE TERRACE.THEY RA DOWN ON JTICE BELOW. JT THEN A PIZZA DELIVERYGUY APPROACH THE LOWER TERRACE, RRYG A STACK OF PIZZAS.PIZZA DELIVERY GUYYOU THE GALS THAT ORRED THE PIZZAS?SISSYTHIS DOPEY BCH ORRED THE LARGEPLA, BUT I ULD GO FOR SOME HOT,THICK, SICILIAN.PIZZA DELIVERY GUYNO CHARGE, LADY. HE SH TO THEMOTEL, JTICE SIGHS, LOOKG UP ATTHE STARS.JUSTICE(QUIETLY)I'M SORRY, JAY.INT. DINER--DAYJAY, SILENT BOB, AND SUZANNE S AT A BOOTH, EATG. JAYCHEWS A BURGER WHILE SILENT BOB EATS PANK AND SUZANNEDIGS TO A BANANA SPL.JAYYOU KNOW, JTICE DIED TRYG TOSAVE THIS MONKEY, SO MAYBE WE SHOULDKEEP HER AROUND. THAT WAY, WE NHONOR HER MEMORY.SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE ARE OBLIV, DIGGG TO THEIRFOOD.JAYLOOK AT YOU TUBBY BCH. I'M WAXGALL SENTIMENTAL, AND YOU'RE ALL ABOUTA FUCKG MEAL AND SH. NOW A'TYOU GLAD WE STOPPED TO EAT? AND YOUWERE ALL PISS-SRED THE PS'D BT OR SOMETHG. YOU KNOW WHAT ISAY?(SGG, A LA NWA)VOICE (O.S.)(VIA BULLHORN)THIS IS THE UTAH STATE POLICE! WEKNOW YOU'RE IN THERE COME OUT WITHYOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, AND SURRENDERTHE ORANGUTAN!JAY AND BOB EEZE AND GO WILD-EYED FOR A BEAT. THEN--JAYYOU THK THEY'RE TALKG TO ?EXT. DINER--DAYTHERE'S A FEW COP CARS OUTSI, AND THE SHERIFF IS YELLGAT THE DER THROUGH HIS BULLHORN. BI HIM ARE THE OTHERCOPS.SHERIFFYOU HAVE SIXTY SECONDS TO COMPLY.(TO OTHER COPS)FUCK , LET'S GIVE 'EM THIRTY.SUDNLY WILLENHOLLY SH UP, DRAMATILLY DUCKG BEHDTHE R, GUN DRAWN.SHERIFFTHE APE.WILLENHOLLYWHAT?SHERIFFAN ORANGUTAN'S A MEMBER OF THE GREATAPE FAY. IT'S NOT A MONKEY.WILLENHOLLYLOOK, WHO'S THE FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL HERE?(TO BULLHORN)JAY AND SILENT BOB, THIS IS FEDERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY! YOURC.L.I.T. DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE.SURRENDER THE MONKEY IMMEDIATELY,AND YOU WON'T GET SHOT!INT. DINER--DAYJAY, SUZANNE, AND SILENT BOB PEER OVER THE TOP OF THEIR BOOTH,LIKE SRED RATS.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAG FOR?GO OUT THERE AND GIVE 'EM THE MONKEY.SILENT BOB LOOKS TO JAY, SHOCKED.JAYOH, WHAT, MAN? I SAID THAT SH BEFOREI KNEW THEY WERE GONNA SHOOT !Y--JSY WAS A HOTTIE, BUT I A'TTAK' NO BULLET FOR NO MONKEY!BOB PULLS SUZANNE CLOSE TO HIM, WELLG UP WH TEARS. JAYROLLS HIS EY.JAYOH, BROTHER--THIS IS LIKE SOMETHGOUT OF FUCKG BENJI! LOOK MAN, MAYBE'S NOT THAT BAD BACK AT THE LAB!MAYBE THEY EXPERIMENT ON 'EM BY,LIKE MAKG 'EM FUCK A BUNCH OFDIFFERENT, GOOD-LOOKG MONKEYS. WEDON'T KNOW! MAYBE THEY GOT REALSWEET!SUZANNE SHAK HER HEAD "NO." BOB POTS TO HER, AS IF SHE'SSTRENGTHENG HIS POT.JAY(TO SUZANNE)YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, YOU WEEPY LTLECHIMP!(LOOKS AROUND THKG)FUCK MAN, I A'T NO STRATEGIST!YOU'RE THE GUY THAT MAK THEBLUEPRTS! I DON'T EVEN HAVE THEFUCKG SMARTS OF A LTLE--JAY'S EY FALL ON A SRED FAMILY A NEARBY BOOTH. THERE'SA LTLE KID (AROUND FIVE OR SO), AND HE'S WEARG A HOODSWEATSHIRT AND A BASEBALL P.JAY--KIDEXT. DINER--DAYWILLENHOLLY'S ON THE BULLHORN, YELLG AT THE DER. THESHERIFF LOOKS ON.WILLENHOLLYANYONE NOT HARBORING A FUGITIVE MONKEYBETTER HIT THE DECK! WE'RE GOING TOOPEN FIRE!(TO PS)EVERYONE HAS BULLETS THEIR GUNS,RIGHT?JAY AND SILENT BOB EMERGE OM THE DER, WH SUZANNE BETWEENTHEM (THEY'RE HOLDG HER RAISED HANDS). SHE'S NOW DRSP THE SWEATSHIRT AND JEANS THE KID WAS WEARG THEDER, WH THE BASEBALL P PULLED DOWN OVER HER FACE.IT'S A PRETTY PISS-POOR DISGUISE.JAYDON'T SHOOT! WE'RE JT TRYG TOTAKE OUR SON OUT OF THIS HOSTILEENVIRONMENT!FROM BEHD THE P R, THE SHERIFF LOOKS TO WILLENHOLLY.SHERIFFTHEIR "SON"?WILLENHOLLYMAYBE THEY'RE ONE OF THOSE GAYUPL?JAY SEIZ ON THE IA. SILENT BOB NODS FERVENTLY.JAYYEAH! WE'RE GAY! AND THIS IS OURADOPTED LOVE CHILD! WE'RE NOT OMAROUND HERE! DON'T MAKE GO BACKTO OUR LIBERAL CY HOME WH A TALOF PREJUDICE AND BIGOTRY THE HEARTOF UTAH!(WHISPERS TO BOB)YOU SEE THE SH I GOTTA PUT UP WHFOR YOU! NOW I GOT THIS GUY THKGI'M GAY!WILLENHOLLYOH GOD, THIS IS THE LAST THG INEED--A BUNCH OF UPPY HOMOSEXUALSSHOOTG THEIR MOUTH OFF THELIBERAL PRS THAT THE FERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE PERSECUTGAYS.SHERIFFARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY! THOSE TWO MAYBE GAY, BUT THAT AIN'T THEIR SON!THAT'S THE APE!WILLENHOLLYYOU SEE THIS BADGE? I THK I'DREGNIZE AN APE IF I SAW ONE. ANDTHE ONLY THG I DO REGNIZE HEREIS A POLIL FIAS I'M, GOG TOAVOID BY LETTG THIS BUTT-FUCKGBRADY BUNCH GO!JAY IS WHISPERG TO SILENT BOB, STILL VEXED BY--JAYAND I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THG:WHAT IF THAT GUY SHOWS UP AROUND THTOR ONE DAY AND STARTS TELLGEVERYBODY YOU AND ME ARE POO-GILISTS?HOW ARE WE GONNA GET ANY PSY THEN,HUNH?WILLENHOLLY (V.O.)YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE, SIRS!JAY AND SILENT BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHOCKED. THEY LOOKBACK OUT AT WILLENHOLLY, WHO'S YARDS AWAY. JAY POTS ATHIMSELF, AS IF TO SAY, "ME?"WILLENHOLLY(VIA BULLHORN)YES, YOU, SIRS.JAY(LLG OVER)SO WE N JT GO?WILLENHOLLY(VIA BULLHORN)Y, SIR--OR MA'AM. PLEASE ACCEPT MYAPOLOGI FOR TAG YOU AND YOUNORTHODOX-BUT-NSTUTNALLY-PROTECTED-FAY UN.SHERIFF(AMAZED)UN-FUCKG BELIEVABLE.JAYI'D LIKE TO OFFER A BIG GAY THANK-YOU, SIR. WE'LL TELL ALL OUR GAYIENDS THAT UTAH IS GAY IENDLYUNTRY FOR GAYS WHO ARE GAY.WILLENHOLLYI'M SURE UTAH APPRECIAT THAT. YOUMIGHT ALSO WANT TO MAKE CLEARTHAT THE FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'SOFFICE IS ALSO PRO-'MO AS WELL.(WKS AT THE SHERIFF)AND MIGHT I ADD, THAT'S ONE FE-LOOKG BOY YOU'RE RAISG.JAYWELL, THAT'S 'CUZ HE'S OM MY SPERM.SEE, I KNOCKED UP A HOT WOMAN IENDOF OURS WHO I ALSO FUCK ON THE SI.SO AS NOT TO BE ALL-THE-WAY-GAY. BUTMY TUBBY HBAND HERE IS ONE HUNDREDPERCENT QUEER. HE LOV THE CK.WILLENHOLLYHE CERTALY LOOKS SATIABLE.JAY'BYEWILLENHOLLY'BYEJAY, SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE HEAD OFF DOWN THE ROAD.WILLENHOLLY AND ALL WATCH THEM GO. THE SHERIFF IS LIVID.WILLENHOLLYWELL, 'S NOT MY WAY--BUT DAMNED IFTHERE DON'T GO ONE HAPPY FAY.(BALLOON TWO)NOW, WE JT SHOOT SOME TEAR GASTO THAT DER, AND WHEN THE TWOGUYS N OUT WH THE MONKEY, WE'LL--WILLENHOLLY SUDNLY EEZ, THKG. HE LOOKS TO THESHERIFF.WILLENHOLLYTHAT WAS THE THEM, WASN'T ?EXT. ROAD--DAYJAY, SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE ARE LGHG.JAYI SAID YOU "LOVE THE CK"! I GOTTABE THE CRAFTIT MOTHERFUCKER ALIVE!GUNSHOTS RING OUT, AND BULLETS WHIZ BY THE TR, WHO ARE NOW FULL PANIC MO.WILLENHOLLY AND THE COPS RACE AFTER THEM, FIRG.JAY, BOB AND SUZANNE RACE AWAY, DUCKG BULLETS.JAYFLEE, FAT-ASS, FLEE!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYTHE TR RACE ACROSS WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BRIDGE (BUT ISN'T),SHOTS STILL RGG OUT. JAY SPOTS A MANHOLE. HE POTS AT, SCREAMG.JAYHEAD FOR THE SEWERS!SILENT BOB POPS THE VER OFF, WH BULLETS RICHETG ALLAROUND THEM, JAY LEAPS TO THE MANHOLE.INT. SEWER TUNNELJAY LANDS A SEWER TUNNEL (LIKE THE FUGIVE). SUZANNELANDS ON TOP OF HIM.JAYTAKE YOUR STKG PAWS OFF ME, YOUDAMN DIRTY APE!(YELLG UP)YO LUNCHBOX! HURRY UP!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYBULLETS HTG THE PAVEMENT AROUND HIM, SILENT BOB DIVTO THE SEWER GRATE AS WELL, BUT--INT. SEWER TUNNELSILENT BOB GETS STUCK. JAY ROLLS HIS EY.JAYYOU FAT FUCK.SILENT BOB STGGL WHILE JAY AND SUZANNE TRY TO PULL HIMTHROUGH THE HOLE.JAYYOU JT--HAD TO--ORR PANK--DIDN'T YA?EXT. DAM ROAD--SAMECLOSER ON THE NNG WILLENHOLLY AND SHERIFF.WILLENHOLLYFIRE A WARNG SHOT TO THAT BULBOASS!SHERIFFONE RECTAL BREACH, G UP!INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMEJAY AND SUZANNE PULL WH ALL THEIR MIGHT. BOB STRAS.JAYSUCK IT IN! THINK THIN! THINK THIN!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--SAMETIGHT ON THE SHERIFF, AS HE SQUTS TO AIM.SHERIFFOPEN UP AND SAY "AHHHHH," YOU STONERSUMBCH--INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMETIGHT ON SILENT BOB BELLOWG.SILENT BOBAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYTHE SHERIFF'S GUN FIR.INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMEJAY AND SUZANNE FALL BACKWARDS, AS SILENT BOB POPS THROUGH.JAYINCOMING!!!SILENT BOBAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!SUZANNEOOOOOOOOO!!!EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYTHE BULLET RICHETS OFF THE CURB, AS SILENT BOB'S FEET SLIPTHROUGH.INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAMEJAY, SILENT BOB, AND SUZANNE ARE VAR STAT OFLLAPSE. JAY AND BOB LOOK UP AT THE HOLE.JAYJT LIKE WNIE-THE-POOH.EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYWILLENHOLLY AND THE SHERIFF ARRIVE AT THE MANHOLE.WILLENHOLLYWOW! THAT WAS AN CREDIBLY DARGPE!(TO SHERIFF)YOU MT SEE THAT A LOT, HUNH?SHERIFFSHUT UP!WILLENHOLLYSIRE, YOU'RE VERY TACURN.WILLENHOLLY STARTS ROLLG UP HIS SLEEV AS THE SHERIFFLOOKS ON.WILLENHOLLYYOU AND YOUR MEN STAY UP HERE. WHENI RNER THEM, I'LL LL YOU FORBACK-UP.SHERIFFWHAT'RE YOU DOG? THEY'RE TRAPPED.THE ONLY WAY THEY N GET OUT OFTHERE IS RIGHT HERE.WILLENHOLLYA FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL DON'TWA FOR HIS PREY TO E TO HIM. HE TO . OR GO TO . IS " TO " OR "GO TO "?(SHAK OFF)I'M GOG THERE. I'M UNTG ONYOU SHERIFF.WILLENHOLLY EMBRAC THE SHERIFF.WILLENHOLLYYOU'VE TGHT ME SO MUCH.WILLENHOLLY THEN CLIMBS TO THE SEWER, DISAPPEARG. THECOPS LOOK AT THE SHERIFF FOR A BEAT, WHO HEADS O.C. SAYG--SHERIFFFUCK THIS ASSHOLE. LET'S GO BACK TOTHE STATN AND GET SOME DONUTS.INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAYTIGHT ON JAY, BOB, AND SUZANNE, LOOKG TO THE DISTANCE,BATHED BY NATURAL LIGHT. WE HEAR THE LOUD SOUNDS OF WATERSHG.JAYTHIS REMDS ME OF THE NIGHT I FUCKEDYOUR MOM, YO. ONE BIG-WET, SMELLY,GAPG HOLE, AND ME WISHG I HAD ABOARD TIED TO MY ASS--PULL BACK TO REVEAL JAY, SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE STANDG ATTHE PRECIPICE OF THE SEWER TUNNEL THAT POK OUT OF A DAM.WATER SHED BELOW.JAY--TO KEEP OM FALLG .WILLENHOLLYPUT THE MONKEY DOWN AND YOUR HANDSUP!WILLENHOLLY AIMS HIS GUN AT THE TR'S BACKS.WILLENHOLLYMISTERS, DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT?!?OUR HERO PLY, BUT JAY SPEAKS.JAYLOOK MAN--SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GOBACK! THEY'RE EXPERIMENTING ON HER!(BEAT)AND FOR THE RECORD, I AIN'T REALLYGAY!WILLENHOLLYI DON'T CARE!(BEAT)AND FOR THE RECORD, I KNEW THAT WASN'TREALLY A LITTLE BOY.JAYSURE, FOR ONE MORE RECORD--(POTG TO SILENTBOB)HE LOVES COCK!WILLENHOLLYON YOUR KNEES!JAY AND SILENT BOB FACE WILLENHOLLY AND KNEEL. BUT SUZANNE'SSTILL LOOKG OUT OF THE DAM.JAYSEE, MAN?! HE'S LG UP LIKEFUCKG CIRC SEALS! WELL, I'M GOGFIRST--I DON'T WANT NO MOUTHFUL OFMONKEY-SP WHEN I GOTTA BLOW THISFUCKG G-MAN.TIGHT ON SUZANNE, WHO'S LOOKG DOWN AT THE RAGG WATERBELOW. HER BROW HARNS WH PURPOSE.TIGHT ON SUZANNE'S RIGHT HAND GRABBG JAY'S RIGHT HAND.TIGHT ON SUZANNE'S LEFT HAND GRABBG BOB'S LEFT HAND.SUZANNE LEAPS FORWARD AT , PULLG JAY AND SILENT BOBBACKWARDS.JAYGET OFFA ME!!! GET OFFA ME!!!EXT. DAM--DAYSUZANNE LEAPS OM THE MOUTH OF THE TUNNEL, DRAGGG JAY ANDBOB WH HER.JAY AND BOBAAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAYWILLENHOLLY GO WI-EYED, HOLSTERG HIS GUN.WILLENHOLLYOH, NO--THK YOU N PULL A PETERPAN ON ME?!HE RAC TOWARD THE MOUTH OF THE TUNNEL AND LEAPS OUT ASWELL.WILLENHOLLYAAAIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!EXT. DAM--DAYAS WILLENHOLLY PLUMMETS, HE PASS SUZANNE HANGG BY HERFEET OFF A PIPE THAT POK OUT OM BENEATH THE MOUTH OF THETUNNEL. SHE'S HANGG UPSI DOWN, HOLDG JAY AND SILENTBOB'S HANDS.JAYHEY LAW-DOG! SEE YOU IN HELL, COCK--SMOKER!!!EXT. DAM BOTTOM--DAYWILLENHOLLY PLUMMETS TOWARD THE WATER BELOW AND KER-SPLASHTO THE DRK.EXT. DAM--DAYSUZANNE HAS PULLED JAY AND SILENT BOB BACK TO THE MOUTH OFTHE TUNNEL.JAYYOU SEE THAT SH? DAMN--REMD MENOT TO GET ON THE MONKEY'S BAD SI.YO--BOOST HER UP. SO WE N TALK, SOWE N GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.SILENT BOB LIFTS SUZANNE OVER THE TUNNEL ONTO THE--EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY--PAVEMENT NEAR THE MANHOLE. SHE SS THERE, LOOKG DOWN.EXT. DAM--DAYSILENT BOB LIFTS JAY OVER THE TOP OF THE TUNNEL TOWARD THEROAD,EXT. DAM ROAD--DAYSUZANNE SS BY THE SI OF THE ROAD. A R PULLS TO THHOT.JAY AND SILENT BOB CLIMB OVER THE CLIFF ONTO THE HIGHWAYJT TIME TO SEE--THE PASSENGER DOOR SLAMMG ON A TRUCK WH LOS ANGEL PLATAND A SIGN THAT READS CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD. SUZANNE ISLOOKG OUT THE BACK WDOW WAVG. JAY AND BOB LEAP TOTHEIR FEET, CHASG AFTER THE TCK.JAYHEY! GET THE FUCK OFF HER, MAN! THAT'SMY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S MONKEY?!THE TCK SPEEDS AWAY THE DISTANCE. JAY AND SILENT BOBSTAND THERE, PANTG.JAYMAN! WHO THE FUCK JT STEALS AMONKEY?!SILENT BOB DIT THEMSELV.JAYOH YEAH.(PISSED)WELL THIS FUCKG BLOWS! WE GOT ONEMORE DAY TO STOP THOSE FUCKS OMMAKG THAT MOVIE, AND SOMEONE GOAND TAK THE ONLY THG I HAD LEFTOM THE ONE WOMAN I EVER LOVED ENOUGHNOT TO TRY TO STICK MY HAND DOWN HERPANTS!SILENT BOB MIM THAT THEY SHOULD GO AFTER SUZANNE.JAYGO AFTER THE MONKEY? HOW THE FUCKARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE THATTHG'S GOG?SILENT BOB MIM THE DIRECTN THE R WENT. JAY STARAT HIM.JAYWHAT? WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!DON'T JT FUCKG POT LIKE--(IMAT HIM)YOU A'T THE BROAD THE CHILDRENOF A LSER GOD. USE YOU FUCKGMOUTH FOR MORE THAN EATG, YA TUBBYBCH!BOB STARTS AN ELABORATE PANTOMIME. JAY TRI TO GUS WHATHE'S SAYG.JAYYOU GOTTA TAKE A SH? NO--YOU GOTTATAKE A SALAD? TAKE A SALAD? WHAT THEFUCK ARE YOU TRYG TO SAY?BOB'S ON THE VERGE OF TEARS, TRYG TO MIME OUT HIS MSAGE.JAYJUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY?!?SILENT BOB GRABS JAY AND SCREAMS TO HIS FACE.SILENT BOBTHE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAIDCRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD, YOU DUMBFUCK!!!BOB RELEAS JAY, BREATHG HEAVILY AND STORMS OFF THEDIRECTN OF THE R WENT. JAY WATCHED HIM GO FOR A BEAT,THEN FOLLOWS, MUTTERG UNR HIS BREATH--JAYSAY , DON'T SPRAY , BCH.EXT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAYAN ESTABLISHING SHOT.SHERIFF (O.S.)"AND MIGHT I ADD, THAT'S ONE FE-LOOKG BOY YOU'RE RAISG."INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAYTHE SHERIFF AND HIS MEN STAND AROUND, EATG DONUTS, LGHG.THE STATN DOORS SLAM OPEN, AND WILLENHOLLY ENTERS, SOAKGWET. ALL THE COPS STARE AT HIM.SHERIFFWELL, IF ISN'T THE WILDLIFEEXPERTS. DID YOU E TO OR GO TO?WILLENHOLLYDO YOU HAVE A MICROWAVE HERE, SHERIFF?SHERIFFWE HAVE A TOASTER OVEN. WHY?WILLENHOLLYBEE I NEED TO DRY MY GUN OUT SOI N SHOOT YOU WITH IT ! TWICE!SHERIFFTHIS MIGHT CHEER YOU UP.(HANDS HIM PAPER)YOUR OFFICE JT FAXED THIS OVER.GUY THERE SAY 'S A POST OM ANINTER CHAT BOARD, SIGNED BY A"JAY AND SILENT BOB." YOUR MAN THKS'S A LEAD AS TO WHERE THOSE FELLASARE TAKG THE APE.WILLENHOLLY(READG)"ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GONNAPAY. YOU ARE THE ON WHO ARE BALL-LICKERS. WE'RE GONNA FUCK YOURMOTHERS WHILE YOU WATCH AND CRY LIKELTLE BCH. ONCE WE GET TOHOLLYWOOD--"(LOOKS UP)THEY'RE GOG TO HOLLYWOOD.EXT. HOLLYWOOD--MONTAGEWE TAKE A QUICK VISUAL TOUR OF THE CY, CLUDG THE SIGN,THE LE OF ONT OF KRISPY KREME, THE LE ONT OF COFFEEBEAN AND TEA LEAF, THE SIMPSON STAR THE WALK- OF- FAME,THE ROCKY AND BULLWKLE STATUE, THE BEVERLY CENTER, JERRY'SFAMO DELI, THE HOLLYWOOD AND VE SIGN, MANN'S CHETHEATRE, THE STAR WARS FOOTPRTS OUTSI OF MANN'S, THECHATE MARMONT, PEOPLE ON CELL PHON, TRASHY LGERIE.HOOKERS PROPOSNG A POTENTIAL JOHN, AND FALLY--EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD--DAYWE START ON THE STREET SIGN, AND PAN DOWN TO A JEEP WRANGLERTHAT PULLS UP. A GEO WOMAN SUNGLASS DRIV, WHSILENT BOB STG THE BACK SEAT. AFTER A BEAT, JAY POPSUP OM UNR THE DASH, WIPG HIS MOUTH, LOOKG AROUND.THE WOMAN SIGHS, AND ZIPS UP HER PANTS. JAY AND BOB HOP OUTAND WAVE TO THE WOMAN AS THE R PULLS AWAY. BOB OFFERS JAYA LOOK.JAYWHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE 'S CHEATG.JTICE BLEW UP.TWO HOOKERS APPROACH THEM.HOOKER 1HEY, LTLE MAN. YOU WANT SOME OFTHIS?HOOKER 2HOW ABOUT YOU, BIG BOY?HOOKER 1IF YOU'VE GOT FIFTY BUCKS WE N GETNASTY.JAYOH YEAH? HOW NASTY?HOOKER 2AS NASTY AS YOU WANNA BE, POPPIE.JAYALRIGHT--FIRST, I'LL WANT TO TONGUEYOUR BUNG WHILE YOU JUGGLE MY BALLS ONE HAND AND PLAY WH MY ASSHOLEWH THE OTHER. BUT DON'T STICK YOUFGER . THEN. I'LL WANNA PKYYOU AND PUT YOUR IEND'S BROWN,WHILE SILENT BOB SPANKS TO A DIXIECUP. AFTER THAT, I'LL WANNA SMELLYOUR TTI, FOR A WHILE, AND YOUN PULL MY NUTSACK UP OVER MY DICK,SO LOOKS LIKE A BULLOG. THEN IWANT YOU TO FLICK AT MY NUTS WHILEYOUR IEND SPANKS ME TO THE SAMEDIXIE CUP SILENT BOB JIZZED . THENWE THROW THE DIXIE CUP OUT.THE HOOKERS LOOK AT HIM, DUMBFOUND, THEN--HOOKER 1OH, THAT'S HONEY. I QU.(WALKG AWAY)THIS JOB JT PASSED THE POT OF NORETURN.HOOKER 2(TO JAY)YOU ONE FUCKED UP PUPPY, POPPIE.JAY(WATCHG THEM GO)WHAT?! YOU SAID 'NASTY'?(SHAK HIS HEAD; TOBOB)MAN, CHICKS HOLLYWOOD ARE SO STUCKUP.EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.--LATERJAY AND SILENT BOB WALK.JAYALRIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN: FIRST, WEFD OUT WHERE THEY'RE SHOOTG THATMOVIE AT. AFTER WE SHUT THAT SHDOWN, WE N START LOOKG FOR THEMONKEY. BUT BEFORE WE DO ANY OF THATSH, WE GOTTA FD A MOTHERFUCKER THE KNOW. SOMEONE WHO'S LIKE, THEMAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD.THEY PASS A DEALER LEANG AGAST A WALL, TRYG TO MAKE ASALE.DEALER(SUBTLY)CRACK? YOU WANT SOME CRACK? SWEET-ASS ROCK. GET YOU HIGH.JAYNO MAN, BUT YOU WANT SOME WEED?DEALER(BEAT)YOU ON THE JOB?JAY(PULLG OUT A RD)YEAH, BOY. JERSEY LOL 408.CLOSE ON THE CARD. IT READS: UNITED JERSEY BROTHERHOOD OFDEALERS, LOCAL 408.THERE'S A GRAPHIC OF A STONER BI .DEALERI'M LOS ANGEL LOL 305!THEY SHAKE HANDS, SLAPPG EACH OTHER ON THE BACK LIKE UNNBROTHERS.DEALERYOU GUYS GOT MEDIL JERSEY YET?JAYSH, NO, WE MIGHT HAVE TO STRIKE SEPTEMBER.DEALERNORMA RAE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. YOUGOTS TO GET YOUR BENEFS, YOU KNOWWHAT I'M SAYG?JAYI HEAR THAT. YO--MAYBE YOU N HELP OUT. YOU KNOW WHERE THEY'RHOOTG A MOVIE AROUND HERE.DEALERYOU THIS TOWN AND YOU GONNA ASKTHAT QUTN? BE A LTLE MORPECIFIC.JAYIT'S A MIRAMAX FLICK. WE GOTTA BT UP SO PEOPLE STOP LLG NAMON THE INTER, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RENOT REALLY TALKG ABOUT BUT THECHARACTERS BASED ON , AND AT THAME TIME, FD MY EX-GIRLIEND-WHO-GOT-KILLED--A-R-EXPLOSN'SMONKEY.JAY EXHAL. THE DEALER STAR AT HIM FOR A BEAT.DEALERI DON'T KNOW THAT THE FUCK YOU JTSAID, LTLE KID. BUT YOU TOUCHED ABROTHER'S HEART, SO I'M GONNA HELPYOU OUT WH SOME DIRECTNS TO THTUD.JAYYOU KNOW WHERE MIRAMAX IS AT?DEALERFUCK, Y. MIRAMAX ACUNTS FORSEVENTY-EIGHT PERCENT OF MY BS.INT. E! ENTERTAINMENT NEWS--DAYAFTER E! NEWS LOGO PLAYS. CUT TO STEVE KMETKO STUD.STEVE KMETKOIS HOLLYWOOD READY FOR JAY AND SILENTBOB? A SOURCE AT THE FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL'S OFFICE TELLS A POSTGWAS PULLED OFF AN INTER MOVIECHAT BOARD THAT WAS ALLEGEDLY WRTENBY THE TWO DOMTIC TERRORISTSTHEMSELV. IT'S SENDG A SHOCKWAVETHROUGH HOLLYWOOD. JUL ASNER'S ONTHE SCENE AT MIRAMAX STUDS, JUL?JUL ASNER IS ONT OF THE MIRAMAX STUDS MA GATE.JULES ASNERSTEVE, THE TENOR OF TSELTOWN ISONE OF TERROR TODAY, AFTER THE FERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE LEARNEDTHAT HOT, NEW TERRORISTS JAY ANDSILENT BOB ARE TARGETG MIRAMAXSTUDS FOR THEIR NEXT MPAIGN OFBLOOD, VLENCE AND MONKEY-THEFT. INTHE POSTG, PULLED OFF MOVIE , THE GOME TWOSOMETHREATENED, QUOTE--(READG)"ONCE WE GET TO HOLLYWOOD AND FDTHOSE MIRAMAX EXPLETIVE-DELETED WHOARE MAKG THE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONICMOVIE, WE'RE GONNA MAKE 'EM EAT OUREXPLETIVE-DELETED, THEN EXPLETIVE-DELETED, WHICH IS MA UP OF OUREXPLETIVE-DELETED, THEN EAT THEIREXPLETIVE-DELETED, WHICH IS MA UPOF OUR EXPLETIVE-DELETED THAT WEMA 'EM EAT. UNQUOTE. SO FAR, WEHAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET A STATEMENTOM ANYONE HERE ARE THE STUD.BACK TO STEVE THE E! STUD.STEVEJUL, WORD HAS THAT BEN AFFLECKAND MATT DAMON ARE ON THE LOT,SHOOTG A SUPER-SECRET PROJECT.HAVE YOU SEEN THEN ROAMG AROUND?BACK TO JULES AT MIRAMAX STUDS.JULESNO, STEVE. BUT I DID SEE CASEY AFFLECKBUYG A SODA AT A NCSN STANARLIER.STEVEBUT NO SIGN OF JAY AND SILENT BOB?JULESNONE WHATSOEVER. HOWEVER, TO BE FAIR,ALL THE FEDS HAVE TO WORK WH ISMURKY VIOTAPE, SO NO ONE'S EVEN AHUNDRED PERCENT SURE WHAT JAY ANDSILENT BOB LOOK LIKE, EXACTLY. FORALL WE KNOW, THEY ULD ALREADY BEON THE LOT.AS JUL SPEAKS, JAY AND BOB WALK TO THE AME BEHD HER,LOOKG UP AT THE STUD SIGN. THEY THEN NOTICE THE MERAAND START WAVG BEHD JUL.INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM--DAYJTICE GO WI-EYED, SEEG JAY AND BOB ON E! SHE HOPSOUT OF HER SEAT.JUSTICEOH MY GOD! JAY! NO!JTICE LOOKS AROUND, PANICKY. HER EY FALL ON--THE DIAMONDS, STG ATOP THE SATCHEL ON THE TABLE.JTICE LOOKS AT THE DIAMONDS, THEN THE TV SCREEN. SHE THKSFOR A BEAT, THEN--JUSTICEFUCK .SHE POURS THE DIAMONDS TO THE SATCHEL, AND SHOV HER POCKET.INT. SEEDY MOTEL BEDROOM--DAYTHE DOOR SLOWLY OPENS THE DARK BEDROOM, AND JTICE CRAWLSTO THE BEDSI TABLE, REACHG FOR A SET OF KEYS. IN THEBED, MISSY AND CHRISSY MAKE OUT UNR THE SHEETS, MOANG.SISSY'S BANGG THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY AGAST THE VANY.JTICE GRABS THE KEYS, LEAVG A NOTE THEIR PLACE. ASSHE CRAWLS BACK OUT, WE PUSH IN ON THE NOTE, WHICH READS:SORRY, GUYS--BUT I LOVE HIM.EXT. SEEDY MOTEL PARKING LOT--DAYTHE NVERTIBLE SKIDS OUT, TAKG OFF.INT. SEEDY MOTEL HALLWAY--DAYTHERE'S A LOUD SCREAM, THEN SISSY, MISSY, AND CHRISSY SHDOWN THE STAIRS ( VARIED STAT OF UNDRS AND SHEET-WRAP).WIPG THEIR MOUTHS. SISSY HOLDS JTIC'S NOTE.SISSYTHAT BCH! THAT FUCKG, FUCKGBCH!!!(TO GIRLS)GET DRSED. WE'RE GOG AFTER HER.CHRISSYFUCK THAT, I DIDN'T GET TO CUM YET.SISSYWHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU: AFORTUNE DIAMONDS OR BTG ANUT?SISSY AND MISSY RACE BACK UP THE STAIRS. CHRISSY STANDS THERTILL, SHGS, THEN DIGS HER HAND TO HER PANTI.SISSY (O.S.)CHRISSY! NOW!CHRISSYFUCK--CHRISSY RAC BACK UP THE STAIRS.EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS-DAYTHE E! NEWS CREW PACKS UP. JAY AND SILENT BOB STUDY THE MAGATE. THEY WATCH THE SECURITY GUARD APPROACH A R THAT'SJT PULLED UP. THE GUARD CHECKS THE DRIVER'S PASS, THENLIFTS THE GATE TO LET THE R THROUGH. JAY LOOKS TO BOB.JAYWE GOTTA PLAY THIS RIGHT.BOB NODS, AFTER A BEAT, THE PAIR TEAR-ASS PAST THE GUARDBOOTH. THE GUARD LEAPS OUT OF THE BOOTH, BLOWG A WHISTLEAND GIVG CHASE.EXT. STUDIO LOT--DAYJAY AND BOB RACE AROUND THE BUILDG TOWARD WHAT LOOKS LIKEAN OPEN ALLEY THEN SMASH TO , FALLG DOWN. THE OPENALLEY IS A BACKGROUND PATG THAT'S BEG MOVED BY SOMESCENICS. JAY AND BOB GET UP, SHAKG OFF THE IMPACT.JAYI HATE HOW FAKE HOLLYWOOD IS.THE SECURITY GUARD TCH UP TO THEM NOW, GRABBG THEM BYTHEIR SHOULRS, SPNG THEM AROUND.SECURITY GUARDWHERE DO YOU THK YOU'RE GOG?JAYGET OFFA ME! RAAAAAPE!!!SECURITY GUARDTHIS IS L.A., SIR. WE DON'T RAPE OURSPECTS CTODY. WE JT BEATTHEM.(TO WALKIE-TALKIE)ECHO BASE, I'VE GOT A TEN-O-SEVENHERE: TWO UNTHORIZEDS ON THE LOT.REQUT BACK-UP.VOICE(OM WALKIE-TALKIE)I THOUGHT THAT WAS A TEN-EIGHTY-TWO.SECURITY GUARDNO, SIR--A TEN-EIGHT-TWO IS THE FOR VANISHG A AD HOOKER OM BENAFFLECK'S TRAILER.VOICE(OM WALKIE-TALKIE)OH, THAT AFFLECK. BACKUP ON THE WAY.JAYHEY! I MAKE YOU A AL: THIS GUY'LLSUCK YOUR DICK OFF IF YOU LET GO!SECURITY GUARDCONTRARY TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE, NOTEVERYONE THE MOVIE BS ISGAY.JAYWELL, HOW ABOUT THIS AL: HE SUCKSMY DICK WHILE YOU WATCH AND JERKOFF.THE SECURY GUARD STOPS, LOOKS AROUND, THEN RELEAS THEM,REACHG TO HIS PANTS.SECURITY GUARDALRIGHT. BUT MAKE IS FAST. AND SEXY.SILENT BOB LOOKS AT JAY, WI-EYED AND SRED.JAYDU, 'S EHER THIS OR JAIL. ANDYOU KNOW WHAT THEY MAKE YOU DO JAIL.SILENT BOB WELLS UP WH TEARS, SLOWLY DROPPG TO HIS KNE,REACHG FOR JAY'S PANTS. THE SECURY GUARD BENDS DOWN LOWTO WATCH AT CROTCH-LEVEL. SUDNLY, JAY HAMMERS HIS TWO FISTSTO THE SECURY GUARD'S NECK, KNOCKG HIM OUT. SILENTBOB FALLS TO A STG POSN ON THE GROUND, RELIEVED.JAY LOOKS AT HIM.JAYWELL WHAT ARE YOU WAG FOR, BCH?START SUCKG. BUNNGGG!(LOOKG AROUND)ALRIGHT--WHERE THEY SHOOTG THISMOVIE AT?SILENT BOB POTS BEHD JAY, AT THE SOUNDSTAGE THEY'RE ONT OF. THERE'S A LINE OF PEOPLE WAG AT THE DOOR.JAYWORTH A SHOT. LIKE A SHOT THEMOUTH, YOU GAY BCH. EWW, DU--YOUWERE REALLY GONNA SUCK MY DICK.SILENT BOB SHAK HIS HEAD "NO," WI-EYED AS JAY HEADS OFF.WHEN JAY'S OUT OF AME, SILENT BOB SHGS LIKE, "YEAH--IGUS I WAS."EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYJAY AND BOB APPROACH THE LE, AS AN A.D. LLS OUT TO THECROWD.A.D.ALRIGHT--BAR EXTRAS. FOLLOW ME.THE A.D. STARTS LEADG THE CROWD . JAY AND BOB BLEND AND FOLLOW SI.EXT. HIGHWAY--DAYAN OFFICIAL-LOOKG R TEARS DOWN THE ROAD.INT. CAR--SAMEWILLENHOLLY DRIV, DIALG HIS CELL PHONE.PHONE VOICEFERAL BURE OF INVTIGATNWILLENHOLLYY, THIS IS FERAL WILDLIFE MARSHALWILLENHOLLY. CAN I SPEAK WH AGENTSID ENMARTY, PLEASE?PHONE VOICEONE MOMENT, PLEASE.INT. AGENT ENMARTY'S OFFICE--SAMEAGENT SID ENMARTY WORKS AT HIS SK.SPEAKER VOICEAGENT ENMARTY? A MARSHAL WILLENHOLLYLLG.AGENT SID(PERKG UP)HOLY SH! YEAH, PUT HIM THROUGH.(LLG OFF)YO! INCOMING BITCH BOY PHONER!TWO OTHER AGENTS SH , CHUCKLG. ALL GATHER AROUND THEPHONE AS SID PRS THE SPEAKER BUTTON.AGENT SIDWILLENHOLLY?BEGIN CROSS-CUTTING WITH WILLENHOLLY.WILLENHOLLYSID? HEY, BUDDY. I'M LLG BEEI ULD REALLY E YOUR HELP ON THISKILLER SE I'M WORKG.AGENT SIDI'LL BET, WILL. WHAT'S THIS TIME...BEAVER TROUBLE? SOME KD OFUNTHORIZED MARSUPIAL TRAFFICKG?THE AGENTS CRACK UP, STIFLG THEIR LGHTER.WILLENHOLLY(TAKG STRI)NO, NO--NOTHG LIKE THAT. SAY--THEREAREN'T OTHER PEOPLE LISTENG ,ARE THERE?AGENT SIDNO WAY, MAN. IT'S JT ME AND YOUTALKG HERE.WILLENHOLLYGOOD. I'M TRACKG A MONKEY DOWNTHAT'S ON 'S WAY TO LOS ANGEL,AND I ULD E SOME BURE BACKUP.AGENT SIDLOS ANGEL, HUNH? MAYBE WE SHOULDSTAKE OUT CLT EASTWOOD'S PLACE.DIDN'T HE ED TO DRIVE AROUND WHA MONKEY THAT'D PUNCH PEOPLE ANDDRK BEER?THE AGENTS CRACK UP. WILLENHOLLY'S TCHG ON.WILLENHOLLYAM, UH--AM I ON SPEAKER PHONE?AGENT SIDNO WAY--DUNSTON!WILLENHOLLYALRIGHT, NOW THAT'S NOT FAIR. I KNOWI DIDN'T MAKE AS HIGH UP AS YOUGUYS, BUT MY JOB'S JT AS IMPORTANT.AGENT SIDCALM DOWN, WILL. DON'T GO ALL...BANANAS ON !THE AGENTS CRACK UP EVEN MORE, WILLENHOLLY'S PISSED.WILLENHOLLYI E TO YOU AS A IEND--AS A FELLOWPROFSNAL--AND THIS IS THE SH IGET?!AGENT SIDYOU'RE RIGHT, WILL. TELL YOU WHAT--WE'LL GET OUR BT MAN ON YOUR SERIGHT AWAY. YOU MIGHT'VE HEARD OFHIM. HE'S A DOCTOR.WILLENHOLLY(EXCED)OH, A DOCTOR?AGENT SIDHIS NAME'S DOCTOR ZAI!THE AGENTS LGH HYSTERILLY, POUNDG THE SK, WILLENHOLLYTEARS UP, ENRAGED.WILLENHOLLYSCREW YOU GUYS!WILLENHOLLY THROWS HIS CELL PHONE ACROSS THE R, THE MOCKGLGHTER STILL EMTG OM . WILLENHOLLY CRI.EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS LOT--DAYTHE RED LIGHT FLASHES OUTSI THE SOUNDSTAGE.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAMEJAY AND SILENT BOB STAND AMIDST A LE OF EXTRAS. SILENT BOBLOOKS O.C. GO WI-EYED, AND POK JAY, POTG O.C. JAYLOOKS AND SE--A COLLEGE BAR SET THAT LOOKS LIKE THE COLLEGE BAR OM GOODWILL HUNTG, PLETE WH CLARK (THE STUFFY LLEGE JERK).MATT DAMON STANDS OFF TO THE SI, LOOSENG UP FOR THE SCENE.BEN AFFLECK LLS TO THE O.C. DIRECTOR.BENWHERE ARE WE TAKG OM, G?G VAN SANT SS OFF TO THE SI, UNTG A STACK OF MONEY.HE JT SHGS.GUSI'M BY.BENYOU'RE A TE ARTIST, GMATTJT TAKE OM "IT'S A GOODURSE."BENOH, NOW YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.MATTHEY, SHOVE . BOUNCE-BOY. LET'SREMEMBER WHO TALKED WHO TO DOGTHIS SH THE FIRST PLACE. TALKGME TO DOGMA WAS ONE THG, BUTTHIS--BENI'M SORRY THIS IS TAKG YOU AWAYOM WHATEVER-GAY-KILLERS-ON-HORS-WHO-LIKE-TO-PLAY-GOLF-TOUCHY-FEELY-FLICK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOGTHIS WEEK.MATTOH--I'M TOUCHY-FEELY? I TAKE YOUNEVER SAW FORC OF NATURE?BENYOU'RE LIKE A CHILD. WHAT'VE I BEENTELLG YOU? SOMETIM YOU'VE GOTTADO THE SAFE PICTURE. SOMETIM, YOUDO FOR ART. SOMETIM, 'S THEPAYBACK PICTURE YOUR IEND SAYS YOUOWE HIM--THEY TAKE A BEAT AND LOOK AT THE MERA. THEN--BENAND SOMETIM, YOU GO BACK TO THEWELL.MATTAND SOMETIM, YOU DO REER GAM.BENNOW THAT'S JT MEAN.JAY TURNS EXCEDLY TO BOB.JAYTHIS HAS GOTTA BE THE BLUNTMAN FLICK,'E THAT'S THOSE TWO FUCKS OMTHAT MORK MOVIE! NOW ALL WE GOTTA DOIS FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET CLOSE TOTHEM--THE A.D. GRABS JAY AND BOB BY THE ARMS AND DRAGS THEM ONTOTHE SET, PLACG THEM NEAR BEN AND MATT THE SCENE.A.D.JT STAND THERE AND REACT. DON'TSAY ANYTHG.BOB GO A LTLE WI-EYED. JAY S AT HIM.JAY(OFF A.D.'S MENT)THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.A.D.(LLG OUT)ALRIGHT, PEOPLE. LOCK UP. LET'SGO FOR PICTURE.JAY AND BOB EYE BEN AND MATT FIERCELY, BEN AND MATT AREOBLIV.JAYON THE UNT OF THREE, WE SH THOSEFUCKS AND BEAT THE SH OUT OF 'EM.'CSE IF THEY'RE ALL FUCKED UP,THEY N'T MAKE THE MOVE, RIGHT?ALRIGHT, THEN. ONE--TWO--CLAPPER/LOADER (O.S.)GOOD WILL HUNTG TWO: HUNTG SEASON.JAY AND BOB EEZE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN O.C.THE CLAPPER/LOAR HOLDS A CLAPBOARD ONT OF BEN'S FACE.IT DO ED, READ: GOOD WILL HUNTG 2: HUNTG SEASON.CLAPPER/LOADERSCENE SIXTEEN, TAKE FIVE.THE CLAPPER/LOAR CLAPS THE BOARD CLOSED AND RAC OFF. BENLOOKS TO G.BENACTN, G?G LOOKS UP OM UNTG HIS MONEY.GUSJ, BEN--I SAID I'M BY.BEN SHAK HIS HEAD AND THEN STARTS THE SCENE WH CLARK.BEN/CHUCKIEYOU SHOULD CHECK OUT, 'S A GOODURSE. BUT, YOU KNOW, ANKLY, IFOUND THE CLASS RATHER ELEMENTARY.CLARKYOU KNOW, I DON'T DOUBT THAT WAS.I REMEMBER THAT CLASS. IT WAS JTBETWEEN RECS AND LUNCH.BEN/CHUCKIEARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM, AGA?CLARKTHERE'S NO PROBLEM. I WAS STILL JTHOPG YOU MIGHT GIVE ME SOME SIGHTTO THE EVOLUTN OF THE MARKETENOMY THE SOUTHERN COLONI.SEE, WOOD SAYS--MATT/WILL(STEPPG )WHAT'D I SAY? DIDN'T I SAY YOU'D BEBACK HERE REGURGATG GORDON WOOD.BUT YOU FOT ABOUT VICKERS--CLARKNO, I JT READ VICKERS, SO I'M UPON HERED WEALTH, HUNTG. BUTYOU'RE NOT THE ANGRY, BRILLIANT YOUNGMD YOU ONCE WERE, JT CHG TOVENT YOUR TRATNS.IN THE BACKGROUND, JAY AND SILENT BOB GET BORED AND HEAD OUTOF THE SHOT. AFTER A BEAT, THEY GET PHED BACK BY THEA.D.CLARKONCE SEAN TOLD YOU WASN'T YOURFLT, YOU LOST THE EDGE, WILLIAM.YOU STOPPED HTG THE BOOKS WH AVENGEANCE, AND NOW I'VE READ SHYOU HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD ABOUT YET.FACE FACTS, MY IEND--LOVE MA YOUA SOFT LTLE PSY BOY, UNABLE TOSTAND UP TO AN AMIC SHOWDOWN,LIKE YOU ED TO. YOU'RE JT NOLONGER THAT GOOD--WILL HUNTG.(GETS HIS FACE)NOW HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPL?MATT/WILL TURNS AWAY ANGRILY, FACG BEN/CHUCKIE, LOOKGDOWNWARDS, STEAMG.BEN/CHUCKIEI DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THEM APPL.WILL, WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO NOW?MATT/WILLCHUCKIE--(SNARLG)IT'S HUNTG SEASON.MATT/WILL SPS TO FACE CLARK WH TWO HUGE GUNS HIS HANDS.HE BLOWS CLARK AWAY, JAY AND BOB H THE CK. MATT/WILLSTANDS THERE, GUNS SMOKG.BEN/CHUCKIEAPPLE SCE, BCH.SUDNLY THE DOOR TO THE SOUNDSTAGE SWGS OPEN, AND THESECURY GUARD JAY KNOCKED OUT SH , FOLLOWED BY OTHERSECURITY GUARDS WHO B THE PLACE.SECURITY GUARDSORRY TO TERPT, SIRS, BUT HAVE ATEN-OH-SEVEN ON OUR HANDS.BENWA A SEND! I WASN'T WH ANYHOOKERS TODAY!THE SECURY GUARD SE JAY AND BOB CROUCHED BEHD BEN, HEPOTS, SCREAMG.SECURITY GUARDTHERE THEY ARE!BEN AND MATT TURN TO JAY AND BOB, JAY S.JAYAFFLECK, YOU'RE THE BOMB PHANTOMS,YO.JAY AND BOB THEN RACE OUT-OF-AME, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY THESECURY GUARDS. MATT HEAD OFF, ARMS THROWN THE AIR.MATTIF ANYONE'S LOOKG FOR ME, I'LL BE MY TRAILER TRYG TO FIGURE OUTHOW I GOT HERE OM AN AMY AWARD.EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYJAY AND BOB SH OUT, PULLG A BENCH ONT OF THE DOOR,BLOCKG . THEY RACE TEN FEET TO ANOTHER SOUNDSTAGE ACROSSOM THEM AND HEAD SI A DOOR.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAMEJAY AND SILENT BOB SH TO SEE--W CRAVEN GETTG READY TO DIRECT A SCENE WH A FAIAR-LOOKG GHOSTFACE KILLER AND SHANNEN DOHERTY. THECLAPPER/LOAR'S CLAPBOARD READS: SCREAM 4CLAPPER/LOADERSCREAM FOUR, SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN,TAKE ONE.(CLAPS AND SHOFF)WES CRAVENACTN!THE KILLER CHAS SHANNEN AROUND THE ROOM, FALLG OVER STUFF,UNTIL SHE HS HIM WH A LAMP, KNOCKG HIM OUT.SHANNEN DOHERTYALRIGHT, YOU BASTARD! LET'S SEE WHOYOU REALLY ARE!SHANNEN PULLS THE MASK OFF THE SHORT PERFORMER TO REVEALSUZANNE.JAY AND SILENT BOB GO WI-EYED.SHANNEN DOHERTYFUCKG MIRAMAX--(GETTG UP)CUT!SHANNEN HEADS OVER TO W, HOLDG THE MASK.WES CRAVENSHANNEN, UALLY I SAY "CUT."SHANNEN DOHERTYA MONKEY? J, YOU GUYS AREN'TEVEN TRYG ANYMORE, ARE YOU?WES CRAVENTHE MARKET REARCH SUGGT THATPEOPLE LOVE MONKEYS.JAY AND SILENT BOB SH , GRAB SUZANNE.JAYWE LOVE THIS MONKEY!THEY SH OUT. WT SHGS TO SHANNEN.WES CRAVENSEE?SECURY GUARDS RACE THROUGH, CHASG AFTER THE EXED PAIR.EXT. LOT--DAYJAY AND BOB RACE THROUGH THE LOT, WH BOB RRYG SUZANNE.ON A FAKE NEW YORK CY STREET, ANOTHER MOVIE IS SHOOTG.THE TR, BOB AND WEAVE THROUGH THE SHOOT, UNTIL--AT THE END OF THE ALLEY, A SET GOLF CART PULLS UP, AND FOURSECURY GUARDS PILE OUT, FORMG A HUMAN WALL, BLOCKGTHEIR PATH. JAY AND BOB STOP AD, LOOKG BACK TO SEE THEOTHER SECURY GUARDS GAG.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO?JT THEN, A P.A. ON A BIKE PULLS UP NEARBY. HE DCH THEBIKE AND GRABS PAPERS OM THE LARGE HANGG BASKET ONT.JAY AND BOB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, RACE OVER TO THE BIKE, ANDJUMP ON, PUTTG SUZANNE THE BASKET. THEY START PEDALGAWAY FURLY, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY THE SECURY GUARD POSSE.SILENT BOB PEDDL LIKE MAD, RACG TOWARD THE GOLF CART.JAYPUNCH IT!!!BOB POPS A WHEELIE AND THE BIKE RAC UP THE ONT OF THEVEHICLE, TAKG FLIGHT,BELOW, THE SECURY GUARDS STARE AWE AS--JAY AND SILENT BOB ATOP THE BIKE--WH SUZANNE THE ONTBASKET--GO PAST A MOON (ON A BILLBOARD, ON THE SI OF ASOUNDSTAGE) A LA E.T.JAY AND BOB LOOK DOWN, THEN AT EACH OTHER. THEY SE. THENTHEY LOOK AHEAD AND LET OUT A SCREAM.THE BIKE CRASH THROUGH A WDOW THE SI OF A SOUNDSTAGEBUILDG.INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAYTHE BIKE LANDS, AND JAY AND BOB, AND SUZANNE GO TUMBLGONTO THE FLOOR VERED GLASS. THEY LOOK UP TO SEE.JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND JASON BIGGS DRSED AS JAY AND SILENTBOB, LOOKG DOWN AS THEM.JAMESHOLY SH--THAT LOOKED LIKE HURT.JASONARE YOU GUYS ALRIGHT?(OFF SUZANNE)HEY! THEY'VE GOT A MONKEY!JAY AND BOB LOOK AT THEIR TWS, THEN AT EACH OTHER.JAYYO, I THK THAT SH JT KICKED.JAMESLET'S GET YOU GUYS ON YOUR FEET.JAM AND JASON HELP JAY AND SILENT BOB TO THEIR FEET. ALLSTARE AT ONE ANOTHER, PERPLEXED,THEN--JAY(TO JAM)SEE MAN? ITS NEVER, "HEY--YOU WERE LOSER, OR, "DU--YOU ROCKED BOYS AND GIRLS." IT ALWAYS BACK TO THAT FUCKG PIE! I'M HNTEDBY .!JAMESWELL, YOU PUT YOUR DICK A PIE,DU--JASONENOUGH!(TO JAY)JASON BIGGS.JAYYO-YOU REALLY GET TO THIRD BASE WHTHE RSSIAN CHICK LIKE YOU DID THE MOVI?JASONYOU MEAN SHANNON? SADLY, NO.JAYSHE'S FUCKG HOT, MAN. IF I WASYOU, I'D BEEN LIKE--JAY MIM A SERI OF SEXUAL MANVERS. JASON AND JAM LOOKON, BEWILRED.JAY(OFF JAM'S-LOOK)WHAT, MAN? YOU NEVER DID ONE OF THE?JAY STARTS MIMG AGA, AND SUDNLY STOPS, STARG AT JAM,BLOWN AWAY.JAYHOLY SH? YOU'RE THE DAWSON!JAMESIT'S JAM, ACTUALLY. JAM VAN DERBEEK.JAYYO, WHAT'S UP WH PACEY STEALGJOEY AWAY OM YOU? IF I WAS YOU, IWOULD'VE DROWNED HIS ASS YOURCREEK AND SH!JAMESI KNOW, BEE WHAT--IS JOSH BETTERLOOKG THAN ME? FUCK, NO. I MEAN,WHO ON EARTH IS BETTER LOOKG THATME? I ASK YOU.JAYJOEY, MAN! SHE'S TOO FE! YO--DIDYOU EVER GET TO THIRD BASE WH HER?JAMESWELL, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME--(TCHG HIMSELF)WA A SEND--WHO ARE YOU GUYS?!JASONTHEY'RE OUR STUNT DOUBL, DUMBASS.(TO JAY)RIGHT?JAYSTUNT DOUBL FOR WHAT?JAMESTHE MOVIE WE START SHOOTG A FEWMUT--BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKEBACK.JASON(TO BOB)YOU'RE DOUBLG ME. I'M PLAYGBLUNTMAN, AKA SILENT BILL.JAMESBOBJASONRIGHT. AND HE'S PLAYG CHRONIC. AKARAY.JAMESJAY! SH, DID YOU EVEN READ THCRIPT?JASONTHERE'S A SCRIPT?JAY AND BOB STARE AT THEM, BLANKLY. THEN JAY PUTS UP HISFGER, DITG THEY SHOULD WA A MUTE. HE GETS TO AHUDDLE WH SILENT BOB AND SUZANNE.JAYTHE ARE THE GUYS WHO ARE PLAYG, YO. WE TAKE THEM OUT, AND BICKETY-BAM! NO MOVIE.SILENT BOB NODS AT JAY, THEN SUZANNE. SUZANNE HEADS OFF,LEAVG JAY AND BOB TO HUDDLE.JASON(OFF JAY AND BOB, TOJAM)WHAT'S WH THE WEIRD, GAY HUDDLEGOG ON OVER THERE?JAMESWHAT'S GAY ABOUT ? IT'S TWO GUYSTALKG A RNER. MAN--WHY AREYOU SUCH A HOMOPHOBE.JASONI'M NOT A HOMOPHOBE.JAMESYOU ARE. YOU'RE ALWAYS LLG THGSGAY. "OOO--LOOK AT THE GAY HUDDLE,DU!"SUZANNE APPROACH THEM.JASONHEY--LOOK AT THE MONKEY.JAMESNEXT YOU'RE GOG TO TELL ME THEMONKEY'S GAY.JASONHE'S SO CUTE--(TO SUZANNE)C'MERE. MONKEY. C'MERE--SUZANNE PULLS JASON AND JAM OUT OF THE AME.WHILE JAY AND SILENT BOB NTUE TO HUDDLE, THE SOUNDS OF ABEATG ARE HEARD, O.C.JAYALRIGHT, HERE'S WHAT WE DO: STARTSWGG, AND DON'T STOP UNTIL THOSEYOUNG HOLLYWOOD FUCKS ARE OUT OFMISSN. READY? BREAK!JAY AND BOB SP TO FACE JASON AND JAM--ONLY TO GO WI-EYED. SUZANNE STANDS ATOP THE FALLEN ACTORS, WHO ARE BLOODIEDAND BEATEN AND KNOCKED OUT LD. SHE HOLDS HER HANDS SKYWARD,CLASPED LIKE A CHAMPN.JAYTHAT'S ONE FUNKY MONKEY.SUDNLY THERE'S A BANGG AT THE DOOR OF THE DRSG ROOM.VOICE (O.S.)MISTER BIGGS? MISTER VAN... DER--BEEK? THIS IS SECURY. WE'VE GOT APAIR OF TRS AT LARGE, AND THEYCRASHED THROUGH A WDOW WE THOUGHTMIGHT BE YOURS.JAY(TO DOOR; EPENGVOICE)UH--YEAH. THEY'RE HERE.SECURITY GUARDDO THEY HAVE YOU HOSTAGE? SHOULD WELL YOUR PUBLICISTS?JAYNO! I MEAN, WE KICKED THOSE GUYS'ASS BAD. THEY'RE--KNOCKED OUT.EXT. DRESSING ROOM--SAMETHE SECURY GUARDS STAND OUTSI A DOOR MARKED JAM.SECURITY GUARDGREAT WORK, SIRS! IF YOU LET ,WE'LL TAKE OVER--JAY (O.S.)(THROUGH DOOR)NO! ME AND JASON BIGGS ARE NAKED HERE! TOGETHER!THE SECURY GUARD LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER.SECURITY GUARDUH--OKAY. WE'LL JT BE--OUTSI THEDOOR, SIRS.THE SECURY GUARDS STIFLE A LGH, AS ONE MAK A BLOW JOBFACE TO THE RT.INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAYBOB OPENS AN AIR VENT THE WALL. HE PUTS SUZANNE TO AND HANDS HER THE TRANQUILIZER GUN, MIMG TO HER. SHE NODS,AND STARTS CRAWLG THROUGH THE DUCTWORK, BOB CLOS THEVENT AGA, AND STARTS RIFLG THROUGH A NEARBY CLOSET.JAYWHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO?! HOWARE WE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE WHOUTTHEM SEEG ?SILENT BOB PULLS A PAIR OF HANGERED COSTUMES OM THE CLOSET,SG.EXT. LOT--DAYTHE SECURY GUARDS PH A CUFFED JASON AND JAM TO AWAG COP CAR. THE PAIR ARE STILL DRSED LIKE JAY ANDSILENT BOB.JAMESYOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUYS!JASONHEY! DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?! I'MTHE PIE-FUCKER.SECURITY GUARD(TO COPS)HE'LL BE THE PIE-- PRISON.INT. SOUNDSTAGE HALLWAY--DAYJAY AND BOB CREEP TOWARD A DOOR (WE DON'T SEE THE OUTFS).JAYTHIS WAS A GOOD IA, LUNCHBOX. INTHE OUTFS WE'RE TOTALLY GNO.SUDNLY, AND A.D. APPEARS, GRABBG THEM BY THE SHOULRS.A.D.MISTER BIGGS? MISTER VAN DER BEEK?GREAT--YOU'VE CHANGED STUMALREADY. LET'S GET YOU TO SET.(PULLG THEM OFF)THE DIRECTOR DON'T LIKE TO BE KEPTWAG.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--BLUNTCAVE SETIT LOOKS LIKE THE BATVE, BUT 'S NOT. OFF TO THE SI,NEAR THE MONOR AND CHAIR SETUP, A BLACK DIRECTOR EYEBALLSTHE HTLG, WHE CREW.DIRECTORLOOK AT ALL THE CRACKERS, SEVENTYLN DOLLARS AND I N'T EVEN GETA BLACK GRIP?A WHE P.A. BRGS A CUP OF LATTE TO THE DIRECTOR.P.A.HERE'S YOUR FFEE, SIR.DIRECTOR(EY THE FFEE)YOU SP THIS? BEE I KNOWALL YOU WHE FOLKS ARE PISSED OFFTHAT THE STUD'D ENTST A MULTI-LN DOLLAR TO A BROTHER.P.A.I DIDN'T SP , SIR.DIRECTORTHEN TASTE ! GO ON!THE P.A. TAK THE CUP AND SIPS OM . HE TRI TO HAND BACK TO THE DIRECTOR.P.A.IT'S ALL GOOD, SIR.DIRECTORNO A'T ALL GOOD. OH, YOU THKI WANT NOW, AFTER YOUR LIPS TOUCHEDTHE CUP? GET THE FUCK OFF MY SET!P.A.YOU THE MAN, SIR.DIRECTORNO YOU THE MAN! AND THAT'S THEPROBLEM!THE DIRECTOR GLAR AT THE SRED P.A., AS HE UTLYSKULKS OFF. BANKY EDWARDS APPROACH.BANKYUH, CHAKA? YEAH, HI--I'M BANKYEDWARDS, THE CREATOR OF BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC. WE MET A FEW WEEKS BACK.I'M THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.DIRECTOR/CHAKAOH--YOU'RE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,HUNH? WELL GO "PRODUCE" ME A LATTENO WHE FOLKS SP --OKAY FUCKY?BANKYBANKY. I JT WANTED YOU TO KNOWTHAT I RPECT YOUR WORK AS AN ARTIST.I'M SOMETHG OF AN ARTIST MYSELF. IWAS THE KER ON THE IC BOOK.CHAKAAN KER? WHAT, LIKE YOU TRACE?BANKY'S FACE DROPS AS THE A.D. JOS THEM.A.D.BIGGS AND VAN DER BEEK ARE ON THET, CHAKA.CHAKAI DON'T SEE 'EM. WHERE ARE THEY?(TO BULLHORN)WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE STARS OF THISPIECE OF SHIT?!ON THE BLUNTVE SET, TWO MASSIVE DOORS OPEN THE FAKEROCK. SMOKE POURS , AND JAY AND SILENT BOB--NOW DRSED ASBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC--STEP OM THE DARKNS. JAY AND BOBSURVEY THE SET, AMAZED.JAYTHIS MT'VE SET 'EM BACK A UPLEHUNDRED BUCKS.CHAKALOOK AT THIS SH.(OFF THEIR OUTFS)A GAY HOOD ORNAMENT, AND THE LORPURPLE.JAYWHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?CHAKAWHO THE FUCK AM I? I'M THE FUCKGDIRECTOR, IS WHO I AM. CHAKA LUTHERKG. THE CREATOR OF ALL OF THIS.JAYWA A SEC--I THOUGHT HOLN ANDBANKY CREATED THIS SH.CHAKAAND I'M STEALG . I'M TAKG BACK FOR ALL THE SH YOU PEOPLEHAVE STOLEN OM ! DID YOU KNOW, IME UP WH THE IA FOR SAMESTREET BEFORE PBS? I WAS GOG TOLL N.W.P.--NIGGAZ WH PUPPETS.(BEAT)ALRIGHT--ENOUGH SMALL TALK. LET'SSHOOT .CHAKA HEADS BACK TOWARD HIS MONOR. JAY AND BOB ARE NFED.JAYWA, WA, WA!! AREN'T YOU GONNADIRECT ?CHAKAI'LL BE DIRECTG YOU TO THE FOODSTAMPS LE AFTER I FIRE YOUR ASS,IF YOU TALK BACK LIKE THAT TO MEAGA!JAYBUT WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSEDTO DO HERE. WE DIDN'T EVEN READ THCRIPT.CHAKASO? NEHER DID I. SH, NEHER DIDTHE STUD.(POTG O.C.)LOOK MAN, 'S NOT HARD. IN THISSCENE, THE BAD GUY BREAKS TO THEBLUNTVE. YOU MAKE UP SOME SH,FIGHT HIM FOR A WHILE, I FILM , IYELL "CUT," AND THEN HEAD BACK TO MYTRAILER, WHERE I GOT MORE WHE WOMENWAG FOR ME THERE THAN THE FIRSTLIFEBOAT OFF THE TANIC!(NFINTIALLY)THEY ALL WANT A PART OF THE MOVIE,AND I GOT JT THE PART FOR 'EM.JAY AND SILENT BOB GO WI-EYED, AS CHAKA HEADS OFF.CHAKALET'S ROLL WITH THE NEW!A.D. (O.S.)QUIET ON THE SET! THIS IS A TAKE!CHAKA CLIMBS BEHD HIS MONOR. THE P.A. IS WAG FOR HIMWH ANOTHER CUP OF FFEE.P.A.I GOT YOU ANOTHER CUP OF FFEE,SIR. SP EE.CHAKA SMACKS THE FFEE OUT OF HIS HAND AND SS DOWN.THE CLAPPER/LOAR JUMPS ONT OF THE STARTLED JAY ANDBOB, GETTG READY. AFTER A BEAT, HE TURNS TO SILENT BOB.CLAPPER/LOADERI JT WANNA SAY THAT I LOVED WHENYOU FUCKED THAT PIE.(LLG OFF)BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK,SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN, TAKE ONE!THE CLAPPER/LOAR SHUTS THE CLAPBOARD AND RAC OFF. FROMBEHD THE MONOR,CHAKA LLS OUT--CHAKAACTION!JAY AND BOB (AS BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC) LOOK AT EACH OTHER FORA BEAT. THEN--JAY/CHRONICUH--SNOOTCHIE BOOTCHI.SUDNLY, THE WALL TO THEIR LEFT EXPLOS. JAY AND BOB HTHE CK. THROUGH THE SMOKG BBLE STEPS COCK-KNOCKER--THEARCH--NEMIS OF BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC. HE'S A NORMAL-LOOKGMAN WH HUGE, OVERGROWN FISTS.JAY/CHRONICWHAT THE FUCK?COCK-KNOCKERYOU THOUGHT I'D NEVER FD YOURPREC BLUNTVE, DID YOU, HEMPKNIGHT? BUT NOW YOU AND YOUR SIKICKARE FALLY THE GRASP OF COCK-KNOCKER!JAY/CHRONICWHY DO THEY LL YOU "COCK-KNOCKER"?COCK-KNOCKER SLAMS ONE OF HIS HUGE FISTS TO JAY'S BALLS.JAY DROPS TO HIS KNE, WAILG. COCK-KNOCKER THEN PULLS AVIBRATOR-LOOKG VICE OM HIS PE. HE PRS A BUTTONON AND A LASER BEAM RIS OUT OF THE VIBRATOR, LIKE ALIGHT SABER.COCK-KNOCKERANY LAST WORDS BEFORE I BT YOURBALLS, BLUNTMAN?SILENT BOB QUICKLY LOOKS RIGHT, THEN LEFT. HIS EY FALL ON--A WALL OF ARMAMENTS, ON WHICH HANDS A SILVER BONG, UNR THEPLARD: BONG SABER--EXTREMELY EXPERIMENTAL. DO NOT USE.IT'S OUT OF HIS REACH.SILENT BOB CLOS HIS EY, NCENTRATG. HE REACHED HISHAND OUT TO THE BONG SABER, ATTEMPTG THE JEDI MD TRICK.SUDNLY, THE BONG SNAPS OM THE ARMORY TO BOB'S GRIP.THE BONG SABER BLASTS TO LIFE AND BOB STRIK A FENSIVEPOSE. BOB SH THE ASTONISHED COCK-KNOCKER AND THE PAIRSTART LIGHT SABER DUELG.CHAKA(OM BEHD MONOR)DAMN! NOW THAT WAS ONE SPECIAL EFFECT!THIS PICTURE'S GONNA MAKE HOE PARTYLOOK LIKE HOE PARTY TWO!A.D.OR HOE PARTY THREE?CHAKASHUT THE FUCK UP!COCK-KNOCKER BATTL BOB BACK. HE VOGU SOME IMPRSIVEBLA HANDLG, PROMPTG BOB TO MAKE A N FOR --UP THELADR OF THE BONG REACTOR AND OVER COCK-KNOCKER'S HEAD. HELANDS BEHD COCK-KNOCKER, STRIKG ANOTHER POSE. COCK-KNOCKER THEN HIGH- KICKS BOB THE FACE, KNOCKG HIM ONHIS ASS ACROSS THE FLOOR. COCK-KNOCKER SHERS OVER TO LIVERA SABER KILL-SHOT, WHEN WE HEAR--JAY (O.S.)YO-BITCH-FISTS!COCK-KNOCKER TURNS TO SEE--JAY, STANDG ON THE ROTATG MONOR STATN, HOLDG ADOUBLE-SID SABER. HE CLICKS AND TWO BEAMS EM (A LATHE DARTH ML LIGHT SABER EPISO ONE).JAYCALL ME DARTH BALLS. BUNNGG.JAY LEAPS AT COCK-KNOCKER, WIELDG THE DOUBLE-BEAMED BONGSABER.CHAKA(OM BEHD THEMONOR)I THK GEE LUS IS GOG TO SUOMEBODY--EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYWILLENHOLLY'S R SCREECH UP, AND WILLENHOLLY JUMPS WH ASHOTGUN. HE SLIS ACROSS THE HOOD OF THE R AND LANDS BITHE FLASHG RED LIGHT.WILLENHOLLY(LOOKG AROUND)SO, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD?(SUDNLY FULL OFPURPOSE)LIGHTS, MERA, ACTN, JAY AND SILENTBOB.WILLENHOLLY CKS HIS SHOTGUN AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAYTHE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, AND WILLENHOLLY CHARG , FIRG TWOSHOTS, O.C.WILLENHOLLYFREEZE YOU TERRORIST SONSABITCHES!!!WILLENHOLLY GO WI-EYED.IT'S NOT BLUNTVE. WE'RE ON A DIFFERENT SOUNDSTAGE, WHERE AKID'S MOVIE'S BEG SHOT: MOOBY'S GRAND ADVENTURE. THERE'S ABARNEY-SIZED MOOBY SURROUND BY LTLE KIDS. THE KIDS STAREBACK AT WILLENHOLLY TERRIFIED. THE MOOBY SU HAS SMOKGBULLET HOL . MOOBY LLAPS.WILLENHOLLYOH MY GOD--(TO KIDS)UM--SORRY. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AWARNG SHOT. UH-- LOOKS LIKE I'MON THE WRONG, UH--WRONG SET.THE KIDS LOOK AT THE FALLEN MOOBY. ON LOOKS ANGRILY AT THEO.C. WILLENHOLLY.KIDYOU KILLED MOOBY--(TO KIDS)LET'S GET HIM!!!THE KIDS CHARGE WILLENHOLLY, WHO SCREAMS LIKE A WOMAN ASHE'S ATTACKED.INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAMEJAY ATTACKS COCK-KNOCKER WH HIS BONG SABER, FULL THROTTLE.COCK-KNOCKER(BREAKG CHARACTER)YOU ARE NOT UPSTAGG ME, VAN DERBEEK!JAY WHACKS AWAY HAPPILY AT THE ACTOR PLAYG COCK-KNOCKER,HACKG HIM UP ONTO THE LADR OF THE BLUNTVE'S NUCLEARREACTOR. COCK-KNOCKER CLIMBS THE LADR SLIGHTLY TO EVATHE ATTACK, DUELG JAY BACK WH THE SABER HIS OTHERHAND.COCK-KNOCKER(TO O.C. CHAKA)CHAKA--CALL OFF DAWSON! GIVE ME A"CUT"!ON CUE, JAY LIVERS A KILL-SHOT TO ONE OF COCK-KNOCKER'SHUGE FISTS, CUTTG OFF (A LA EMPIRE).SILENT BOB JOS JAY, AS JAY TURNS OFF THIS DOUBLE-BONG SABER,JAY GRS AT COCK-KNOCKER.JAYNOW WHOSE BALLS HAVE BEEN BTED,BCH?SUDNLY, A GUN SHOT RGS OUT.ALL TURN TO SEE A ROUGHED-UP WILLENHOLLY, TRAG HIS GUNFIRST ON JAY, THEN BOB.WILLENHOLLYTHE C.L.I.T. STOPS HERE, JAY ANDSILENT BOB!(REVEALG BADGE:LLG OUT)EVERYONE STAY LM. I'M A FERALWILDLIFE MARSHAL. THE MEN ARE THELEARS OF A TERRORIST ANIZATNWANTED FOR THE ABDUCTN OF A MONKEY.VOICE (O.S.)THEY DIDN'T REALLY STEAL THAT MONKEY.ALL TURN TO SEE JTICE APPROACHG OM THE SHADOWS.WILLENHOLLY TRAS HIS GUN ON HER. JAY'S MOUTH DROPS.JUSTICEIT WAS JT A DIVERSN SO WE ULDSTEAL THE.JTICE PULLS THE BAG OF DIAMONDS OM HER JACKET, REVEALGTHEM.JUSTICEAND THEY'RE NOT THE LEARS OFC.L.I.T. THE C.L.I.T. IS NOT REAL.WILLENHOLLYNO--THE CL'S REAL. THE FEMALE ASMIS A MYTH.JUSTICE(TO JAY)ARE YOU GUYS ALRIGHT?JAYI THOUGHT YOU BLEW UP, BOO BOO KTYFUCK.JUSTICE(SG)YOU REMEMBERED.(BACK TO BS)IT WAS A AME-UP, JAY. SISSY. MISSY,CHRISSY, AND I ARE TERNATNALJEWEL THIEV. WE WERE SETTG YOUUP AS A PATSY, BUT I ULDN'T GOTHROUGH WH , BEE I... BEEI LOVE YOU.JAYYEAH? SO THAT MEANS YOU'LL FUCK ME,RIGHT?VOICE (O.S.)IF SHE DO, 'LL BE NSIREDNECROPHILIA.ALL TURN TO SEE SISSY, MISSY, AND CHRISSY SLKG OM THHADOWS, GUNS DRAWN.SISSYBEE SHE'S GONNA BE ONE AD BCH.(TO JTICE)HI, JSY. WE TCH YOU AT A BADTIME?MISSYYOU SHOULD'VE JT LET THE GUYS GODOWN, JSY.JAYHEY, I WANTED TO GO DOWN, BUT I WASWAG UNTIL I GOT TO KNOW HER ALTLE BETTER. SEE, THERE WAS THISLTLE ANGEL ON MY SHOULR, AND HAID--CHRISSYSHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SHOOT YOUWHERE YOU STAND YOUR PANSY REDBOOTI.JAY(LOOKG DOWN)HOLY SH, I AM WEARG PANSY REDBOOTI!(TO BOB)MAN--WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELLME?SISSYLET'S HAVE THOSE DIAMONDS, JSY.JUSTICEI N'T DO THAT, SISSYSISSY(POTS HER GUN ATJAY)THEN LOVER--BOY GETS ONE THE BRA.CHAKAYO!ALL TURN TO LOOK AT CHAKA.CHAKAWOULD ANY OF YOU LOVELY LADI LIKEA PRIVATE DN TO BE MY MOVIE?JTICE HIGH-KICKS THE GUN OUT OF SISSY'S HAND. IT LANDS ONTHE GROUND DISCHARGG. THEN EVERYONE STARTS SHOOTG ANDNNG FOR VER.JAY AND SILENT BOB HURL THEMSELV OVER THE BLUNTMOBILE.MISSY AND CHRISSY FLIP OVER A LAVISH, EXQUISELY-PACKEDCRAFT SERVICE TABLE LABELED. CAST. THEY POP BACK UP AND STARTFIRG AT WILLENHOLLY. WILLENHOLLY LEAPS BEHD A BARRENCRAFT SERVICE TABLE THAT HOLDS A BAG OF SMARTI AND A NTEDN OF RC COLA. HE POPS UP AND RETURNS FIRE. WHEN BOTH AREOUT OF BULLETS, THEY DROP BACK DOWN BEHD THE TABLE ANDRELOAD. FROM BEHD HIS TABLE,WILLENHOLLY YELLS--WILLENHOLLYWHY ARE YOU SHOOTING AT ME?!?! I'MJUST A FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL!!!CHRISSYTWO REASONS: ONE--WE'RE WALKING,TALKING BAD GIRLS, CLICHES!MISSYAND TWO: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN.WILLENHOLLYONLY ON THE OUTSIDE!THE GIRLS AND WILLENHOLLY BOTH POP BACK UP AND OPEN FIREAGA.CHAKA DUCKS BEHD THE MONOR.CHAKAA SHLOAD OF WHE PEOPLE WH GUNS?TIME TO GET MY BLACK ASS OUT OF HERE!HE RAC OFF, PASSG JTICE AND SISSY, WHO CIRCLE EACHOTHER FENSIVELY, STRIKG KUNG FU POS.SISSYYOU REALLY LET ME DOWN, JTICE.THROWG ALL AWAY FOR A LTLTONER WH BAD PRONUNCIATN.JAY (O.S.)HEY!JUSTICE(IGNORG HIM)WHAT'S GONNA BE, SISSY? WHICHFIGHTG STYLE DO YOU WANT ME TOKICK YOUR ASS ?SISSYARE YOU KIDDG ME? I TGHT YOU ALLALL YOUR MOV MYSELF. THERE'S NOT ASTYLE YOU N BT THAT I N'T FENDAGAST.JUSTICEYOU'RE NO MATCH FOR MY "SHAOL MONK."SISSYYEAH, BUT I N BURY YOU WH MY"CROUCHG TIGER."JUSTICEA LTLE "VEN'S--FLYTRAP"?SISSYI'LL UNTER WH "DRAGON CRANE."JUSTICEHOW ABOUT A LTLE "BCH, MY MANA'T YO BABY'S DADDY"?SISSY(BEAT; S)BRG ON.JTICE SH SISSY AND STEAD OF SLEEK KUNG FU, THEY LNCHTO A DOWN-AND-DIRTY, GIRL'S T-FIGHT; HAIR PULLG ANDSCREAMG.BEHD THE BLUNTMOBILE, JAY AND BOB WATCH ALL THE ACTN.JAYYO--I HOPE ONE OF 'EM RIPS THE OTHERONE'S SHIRT OFF AND WE SEE SOME T.BOTH BOB AND JAY SE AT EACH OTHER, NODDG. BANKY JOSTHEM, CRAWLG ON HIS BELLY, VERG HIS HEAD.BANKYMISTER BIGGS? MISTER VAN DER BEEK? IJT WANTED TO SAY HI. I'M--JAYBANKY FUCKG EDWARDS! JT THEMOTHERFUCKER WE ME TO SEE!BANKY(SHOCKED)HOLY SH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUGUYS DOG HERE?!SISSY HAS JTICE ON HER BELLY, BANGG HER FACE TO THEFLOOR, SCREECHG. JAY, BOB, AND BANKY NTUE.BANKYSTOP THE MOVIE?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!JAYALL THE ASSHOL ARE LLG NAM ON THE INTER, 'E OFTHIS STUPID MOVIE!BANKYI FEEL FOR YOU BOYS--I REALLY DO.THOSE NET SNIPERS N BE REALLY CEL.BUT MIRAMAX PAID ME A SHLOAD OFMONEY FOR BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC, SO OCCURS TO ME THAT PEOPLE BAD-MOUTHG YOU ON SOME WEB-SE ISNONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!SILENT BOBOH--BUT I THK IS.BANKY STAR AT SILENT BOB, AGOG, JAY ROLLS HIS EY.JAYHERE WE GO AGA--SILENT BOBSHUT THE FUCK UP.(TO BANKY)WE HAD A AL WH YOU ON THE ICSFOR LIKENS RIGHTS. AND AS WE'RENOT ONLY THE ARTISTIC BASIS BUT ALSOTHE CHARACTER BASIS FOR YOURTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, BLUNTMAN ANDCHRONIC, WHEN WE SAID PROPERTY WASOPTNED BY MIRAMAX FILMS YOU WERELEGALLY OBLIGED TO SECURE OURPERMISSN TO TRANSFER THE NCEPTTO ANOTHER MEDIUM. AS YOU FAILED TODO THAT, YOU'RE BREACH OF THEORIGAL NTRACT--ERGO, YOU FDYOURSELF A VERY ACTNABLEPOSN.BANKY STAR AT BOB, EVEN MORE AGOG, JOED BY JAY. AFTER ABEAT, JAY ADDS--JAYYEAH.JTICE NOW HAS THE ADVANTAGE OVER SISSY, HOLDG HER HEADAND KICKG HER THE FACE, REPEATEDLY, SCREAMG.BANKYSO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT, TO GOAWAY AND TAKE YOUR LADY IENDS WHYOU?JAYSHN THIS MOVIE SO WE DON'T GETLLED NAM ON THE INTER ANYMORE.BANKYEVEN IF THERE'S NO MOVIE, PEOPLE ARTILL EE TO TALK SH ABOUT YOU ONTHE INTER. THAT'S WHAT THEINTER'S FOR: SLANRG OTHERSANONYMOLY. STOPPG THE FLICKISN'T GOG TO STOP THAT!IN THE BACKGROUND, WE SEE JTICE HIGH-KICK SISSY TO THEAIR.JAYWELL THIS ISN'T FAIR! WE WENT TOHOLLYWOOD, I FELL LOVE, WE STOLEA MONKEY, WE GOT SHOT AT, AND GOTPUNCHED THE MOTHERFUCKG NUTS!WE A'T LEAVG EMPTY-HAND!ON CUE, SISSY DROPS OM ABOVE, LANDG JAY'S LAP.JAYWHAT'S UP BABY? YOU LOOK GOOD!BANKYISN'T THAT YOUR GIRLIEND'S ENEMY?JAYOH YEAH.(PHG SISSY OFFHIM)GET THE FUCK OFFA ME, PIG!SISSY RAC AT JTICE, LEAPG ATOP HER, PULLG HER HAIR.JAY, BOB, AND BANKY NTUE.BANKYYOU GUYS ARE GONNA MY MOVIEREER.JAYWELL, WE WANT SOMETHG FOR OUR MENTALANGUISH.BANKYTELL YOU WHAT: WE'LL SETTLE THISMOARILY. I'LL GIVE YOU HALF OFWHAT I MA.JAYHALF?!?BANKYHALF'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH? FE--I'LLGIVE YOU TWO-THIRDS OF WHAT I MA!JAYFUCK-YOU--YOU ALREADY SAID HALF? YOUN'T TAKE BACK!SILENT BOB ROLLS HIS EY, BANKY SHAK JAY'S HAND.BANKYDONEJTICE THROWS SISSY OFF, ONTO THE FLOOR. BOTH GET UP, FACGEACH OTHER.SISSYYOUR SH IS SO TIRED, JTICE!JUSTICECALL ME BOO-BOO KTY FUCK--BITCH!JTICE HIGH-KICKS SISSY AND SHE GO FLYG ACROSS THE STAGE.SISSY SAILS TOWARD THE CRAFT SERVICE TABLE, LANDG ATOPMISSY AND CHRISSY, KNOCKG THEM OUT.WILLENHOLLY STANDS TO SEE WHY THE GIRLS STOPPED SHOOTG.WILLENHOLLYHELLO? TCE?(BEAT)I THK I KILLED BOTH OF THEM.SUDNLY, HE LETS OUT A SHRIEK AND FALLS FORWARD, REVEALGA TRANQUILIZER DART HIS ASS, AND SUZANNE STANDG BEHDHIM, HOLDG THE GUN UP THE AIR. JTICE SURVEYS HERHANDIWORK FOR A BEAT, THEN LLS OFF TOWARD THE BLUNTMOBILE.JUSTICEC'MON GUYS. IT'S OVER.JAY, BOB, AND BANKY POP UP OM BEHD THE R AND JO HER.JAYYO, I WAS JT ABOUT TO JUMP THEREAND GET YOUR BACK.THEN, THE SOUND OF SIRENS RGS OUT THE DISTANCE.JAYHOLY SH, THE PS! WE GOTTA GETOUT OF HERE!JUSTICENO. I'M TIRED OF NNG.JTICE LIFTS WILLENHOLLY TO A STG POSN AND TAPSHIS FACE.JUSTICEYOU AWAKE, MARSHAL? MARSHAL?WILLENHOLLY(TRI TO MOVE BUTN'T)OH MY GOD, I'M PARALYZED. THE MONKEYSHOT ME THE ASS AND PARALYZED ME!OH THE IRONY!JUSTICE(OFF SUZANNE'S GUN)YOU'RE NOT PARALYZED. IT WAS JT ATRANQUILIZER.WILLENHOLLYJ! TRANQUED BY A LTLE MONKEY!MY IENDS THE BURE ARE NEVERGONNA LET ME LIVE THIS DOWN!JUSTICEYOU HAVE IENDS THE F.B.I.?WILLENHOLLY(CRYG)THEY ALL MA , BUT I FAILEDTHE EXAM. WHY THE HELL ELSE DO YOUTHK I BEME A FERAL WILDLIFEMARSHAL? 'CSE I'M A JOKE!JTICE LOOKS TOWARD THE DIRECTN OF THE SIRENS, THKG.THEN--JUSTICEMAYBE NOT. I N MAKE YOU A ALTHAT'LL GET YOU TO THE F.B.I.,REGARDLS OF TT SR.WILLENHOLLYWHAT KD OF AL?JUSTICEYOU DROP THE CHARG AGAST JAY ANDSILENT BOB AND SAY YOU NEVER FOUNDTHE APE. MAKE SURE THE WORLD KNOWSTHEY'RE NOT NTROL OF ANY C.L.I.T.JAYNOW WA A SEND--JUSTICEI'LL EXPLA LATER, JAY(TO WILLENHOLLY)IN EXCHANGE, I'LL GIVE YOU THEDIAMONDS I STOLE, AND TURN SISSY,MISSY, CHRISSY, AND MYSELF. BUT IWANT A RCED SENTENCE.WILLENHOLLYYOU'D BE WILLG TO DO THAT?JUSTICE(OFF JAY)FOR HIM? I'D BE WILLG TO DOANYTHG.JTICE STANDS AND TAK JAY BY THE HANDS.JUSTICEI'M AN TERNATNAL JEWEL THIEFWHO'S FACG A JAIL SENTENCE.JAYTHAT'S ALRIGHT. I'M A JUNKIE WH AMONKEY.JUSTICEIF I GO TO PRISON, WILL YOU WA FORME?JAYI DON'T KNOW. WILL WE FUCK WHEN YOUGET OUT?JTICE S AND KISS JAY PASSNATELY. THE KISS SHOULDSAY ALL, BUT--JAYDON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. WILL WEFUCK WHEN YOU GET OUT?JUSTICESNOOGANS.JTICE AND JAY KISS AGA.SUZANNE REACHED UP TO SILENT BOB, WHO PICKS HER UP. SHE GRABSHIS FACE AND KISS HIM.WILLENHOLLY LOOKS TO BANKY.WILLENHOLLYWOW. THERE'S A LOT OF LOVE THEROOM.BANKYREGARDLS OF WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD.I DO NOT KISS GUYS.EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--LATERJTICE AND JAY ARE STILL KISSG, UNTIL WILLENHOLLY PULLSHER AWAY AND LOADS HER TO THE WAG COP CAR.WILLENHOLLYSORRY, JTICE. WE'VE GOTTA GO.(TO JAY: IENDLY)HEY--STOP STEALG MONKEYS.JAYFUCK YOU.WILLENHOLLYFAIR ENOUGH.WILLENHOLLY CLOS THE DOOR BEHD JTICE AND GETS THER.JUSTICE(TO JAY)WA FOR ME.JAYWHAT--HERE?JAY LOOKS AT JTICE, NFED, AS THE CISER PULLS AWAY,LEAVG JAY, BOB, SUZANNE, AND BANKY. THEY START WALKGDOWN THE LOT.BANKYWELL, BOYS--YOU'RE RICH LOVE--(DITG JAY)WELL, YOU'RE LOVE. AND TO TOPTHAT OFF, YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN MONKEY.WHAT MORE ULD TWO GUYS OM JERSEYPOSSIBLY WANT?JAYALL THOSE FUCKS TO STOP TALKG SHABOUT ON THE INTER, FORSTARTERS.BANKYWHAT DO I KEEP TELLG YOU? THERE'SNOT MUCH YOU N DO TO STOP THAT.WELL, SHORT OF SHOWG UP AT ALLTHEIR HO AND BEATG THE SHOUT OF THEM, I GUS.JAY AND BOB SUDNLY EEZE. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER ANDSE.JAY(TO BOB)YOU KNOW--WH ALL THAT MONEY WE'REGONNA MAKE WE N BUY A LOTTA PLAICKETS.START THE JAY AND BOB KICKASS MONTAGEEXT. SKY--DAYA PASSENGER JET FLI THROUGH THE SKY.EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAYJAY AND BOB STAND ACROSS THE STREET OM A HOE. THEY CHECKTHE ADDRS ON THE BIG REAM OF PAPER THEY'RE RRYG, NODAT EACH OTHER, AND CROSS THE STREET.INT. HOUSE--DAYTHE DOORBELL RGS. A MOTHER ANSWERS TO SEE JAY AND SILENTBOB STANDG THE DOORWAY.MOTHERCAN I HELP YOU?JAYY. MA'AM, DO--(READG OF PAPER)WILLIAM DKY LIVE HERE?MOTHERY. HE'S MY SON.JAYMAY WE TALK TO HIM, PLEASE.MOTHERONE MOMENT.SHE WALKS AWAY. AFTER A BEAT, A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD KID TO THE DOOR.KIDYEAH?JAYYO--DO YOU POST AS--(READG OFF PAPER)MAGNOLIA-FAN ON MOVIE POOP KIDYEAH.JAYAND DID YOU WRE "FUCK JAY AND SILENTBOB. FUCK THEM UP THEIR STUPID ASS?KIDYEAH, A WHILE AGO. SO?JAY AND BOB NOD AT EACH OTHER, THEN GRAB THE KID, PULL HIMOUTSI, AND START BEATG THE SH OUT OF HIM ON HIS ONTLAWN.EXT. SKY--DAYTHE PASSENGER JET FLI AGA, THIS TIME THE OPPOSEDIRECTN.EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE--DAYJAY AND BOB KNOCKG AT ANOTHER DOOR. ANOTHER MOTHER ANSWERS.THEY SPEAK, SHE HEADS SI, AND ANOTHER KID TO THEDOOR.JAYON MOVIE POOP DID YOU SAYJAY AND SILENT BOB--(READG OFF PAPER)"--ARE FUCKG CLOWN SHO. IF THEYWERE REAL, I'D BEAT THE SH OUT OFTHEM FOR BEG SO STUPID."KID(CHUCKLG)YEAH.JAYREALLY--AGA, JAY AND BOB PULL THE KID OUTSI AND BEAT THE SHOUT OF HIM.INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A CLERK.EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A WOMAN.EXT. RECTORY--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A PRIEST.INT. OFFICE--DAYJAY AND BOB BEAT THE SH OUT OF A BUSINESSMAN.EXT. MOVIE THEATRE--NIGHTTHE MARQUEE READS: JASON BIGGS AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK AREBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC!WORLD PREMIERE!THE ONT DOORS OPEN AND THE CROWD LETS OUT. FIRST WE SEEDANTE AND RANDAL.RANDALNOW THAT WAS WORSE THEN CLASH OF THETANS.DANTEI STILL N'T BELIEVE JUDY DENCHPLAYED ME.RANDALHEY--REMD ME TO RENEW THATRTRAG ORR.DANTEWHY?RANDALBEE I'M GONNA BLAST THE FLICK ONTHE INTER TONIGHT.STEVE-DAVE AND WALT EX.STEVE-DAVEWHY N'T HOLLYWOOD EVER MAKE A CENTIC BOOK MOVIE?WALTTELL'EM STEVE-DAVE!STEVE-DAVEWOULD YOU STOP SAYG THAT?ALYSSA AND TRISH E OUT.TRISHWELL, THAT WAS JT ANOTHER PAEAN TOMALE ADOLCENCE AND S REFAL TOGROW UP.ALYSSAYEAH, SIS--BUT WAS BETTER THANMALLRATS. AT LEAST HOLN HAD THEGOOD SENSE TO KEEP HIS NAME OFF OF.TRISHWHY WOULDN'T MIRAMAX OPTN HIS OTHERIC STEAD? YOU KNOW--THE ONE HEDREW ABOUT YOU AND HIM AND YOURRELATNSHIP?ALYSSAYOU MEAN CHASG AMY? THAT WOULDNEVER WORK AS A MOVIE.BANKY AND HOOPER EX.BANKYI'M SO FUCKG EMBARRASSED--HOOPERHONEY, YOU SHOULD BE. THEY TOOK YOURCHARACTERS AND RCED THEM TO ONENETY-MUTE-LONG-GAY JOKE. IT WASLIKE WATCHG BATMAN AND ROB AGA.BANKYTHANKS. THAT MEANS A LOT G OMTHE GUY WHO PRETENDS TO BE SHAFT ASOPPOSED TO THE GUY WHO TAK SHAFT.HOOPERI DON'T HEAR YOU PLAG NIGHTLY.IN FACT, THE ONLY THG I DO HEARYOU SAY IS "Y, HOOPER! CRADLE THEBALLS AND WORK THE SHAFT!"BANKY(LOOKG AROUND)HEY! HEY! WHAT'D WE SAY? NOT PUBLIC!A GUY BEHD THEM LLS OUT TO BANKS.GUYNICE MOVIE, YOU FUCKG TRACER!BANKY(REGNIZG HIM)YOU--!GUYTHAT'S RIGHT, YOU SONOVABCH! I'MBACK FOR ROUND TWO!BANKY GRABS THE GUY BY THE THROAT AND STARTS CHOKG HIM,WHILE HOOPER TRI TO BREAK THEM UP.WILLENHOLLY EXS WH JTICE HAND-AND LEG CUFFS AND APRISON UNIFORM. THEY'RE FLANKED BY TWO ARMED PRISON GUARDS.WILLENHOLLYYOU KNOW, I DON'T GET OUT TO THEMOVI MUCH. BUT I'D HAVE TO SAYBLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC WAS BLUNT-TASTIC!JUSTICEARE THE LEG CUFFS REALLY NECSARY?WILLENHOLLYDON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU, JTICE.AND FALLY, JAY AND SILENT BOB E OUT.JAYYO! THE PARTY'S ACROSS THE STREET,FEATURING THE GREATEST BAND IN THEWORLD: MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME!!!WHIP PAN TO MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME ON STAGE, PERFORMG"THE BIRD." DURG THE SONG, MORRIS POTS TO--JAY AND BOB, WHO ARE DANCG WH SUZANNE AND JTICE (WHO'SSTILL CUFFS, FLANKED BY THE GUARDS). JAY LOOKS TO BOB,THEY NOD AT EACH OTHER AND--JAY AND SILENT BOB, JO MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME ONSTAGE,AND DANCE OUT TO THE DA, WHICH READS--CODABLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK WENT ON TO MAKE A MERE 2.3LN AT THE BOX OFFICE. IT WAS THE BIGGT MERCIALFAILURE THE HISTORY OF MIRAMAX FILMS. THE FILM WAS ROUNDLYDBBED AS A BAD IA BY THE NIZENS OF THE INTER CHATBOARDS, AND OVER THE URSE OF THE NEXT YEAR, WHILE THEYWAED FOR THE QUICK STOP RTRAG ORR TO EXPIRE, JAYAND SILENT BOB TRACKED THEM ALL DOWN AND BEAT THE SH OUTOF THEM.CREDITS. THEN--INT. NOWHEREA FAIAR WOMAN CLOS A BOOK THAT'S MARKED: THE VIEWASKEWNIVERSE. SHE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, S AT AND SKIPSOFF.THE ENDEMBEDCANCELHOW TO FORMAT LYRICS:TYPE OUT ALL LYRICS, EVEN REPEATG SONG PARTS LIKE THE CHOSLYRICS SHOULD BE BROKEN DOWN TO DIVIDUAL LUSE SECTN HEARS ABOVE DIFFERENT SONG PARTS LIKE [VERSE], [CHOS], ETC.USE ALICS (<I>LYRIC</I>) AND BOLD (<B>LYRIC</B>) TO DISTGUISH BETWEEN DIFFERENT VOLISTS THE SAME SONG PARTIF YOU DON’T UNRSTAND A LYRIC, E [?]TO LEARN MORE, CHECK OUT OUR TRANSCRIPTN GUI OR VIS OUR TRANSCRIBERS FOMABOUT

As the movi, animated tv seri, ic books, mic vios, and meos multiplied, they moved to more bizarre terra: they avert Armageddon and meet God, bee the prophets of God, try to sabotage a film that picted their characters badly, bee the ic book characters Bluntman and Chronic, s on the Jedi Council the Star Wars universe, and help Santa Cls make were tensely homophobic, lterg their speech wh "that's gay, du, " sultg guys by suggtg that they have gay sex, rejectg ladi who have had lbian sex, beg attacked by gangs of evil lbians, startg gay mors to huiate their enemi. They even subdued a villa by trickg him to gog to a gay bar, where he would be gang-raped by the evil gays.

Granted, Jay sometim mentned an attractn to men, but Silent Bob's look of utter disgt silenced Smh always claimed that he was parodyg homophobia, not promotg .

The gangs of evil gays have vanished, and so have the homophobic slurs, except for an ocsnal suggtn that an enemy "s on a dick. They meet two lbian upl whout reilg horror, and Jt Long's character seems to be gay -- he giv them his Grdr screen are meos om nearly everyone the Askewniverse, playg eher their characters or themselv, or both, pl some regnizable 1990s tv stars: Brian O' Halleran, Jason Lee, Val Kilmer, Tommy Chong, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon (top photo), Jason Biggs, Keh Coogan (who is lookg more and more like his grandfather, Jackie Coogan, Uncle Fter on The Addams Fay)All of them are shockgly old, grizzled, chunky, not at all the teen hunks and mcular leadg men we remember om the 1990s. Their world is gone; their stori are over; 's time for the next generatn to take doubt the new Askewniverse will be more diverse and gay-posive.