Why Gay Bars Are Disappearg Across Ameri - Eater

Contents:

• WHY GAY BARS ARE DISAPPEARG ACROSS AMERI
• IN HAVANA, GAY BARS HOLD THEIR OWN AGAST THE INTER
• GRDR: WELE TO THE WORLD’S BIGGT, SRIT GAY BARGRDR, THE POPULAR “GEOSOCIAL WORKG” IPHONE APP FOR GAY MEN, HAS MORE THAN A LN ERS 180 UNTRI, CLUDG IRAQ, IRAN, AND HAI. IT’S BEEN LLED A “REVOLUTNARY DATG TOOL”—AND ALSO “THE SRIT GAY BAR ON EARTH THAT IS ALL OVER THE EARTH.” FROM HIS VIRTUAL BAR STOOL, THOR MATT KAPP S THE LGUA AN OF SMART-PHONE-ASSISTED GAY DATG AND WONRS WHETHER GRDR N TRANSLATE TO HETERO.BY MATT KAPPMAY 27, 2011SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEA SMART, ATTRACTIVE, CHRONILLY SGLE IEND OF ME HAD BEEN FEVERISHLY FIDGETG WH HIS IPHONE FOR HALF A DOZEN BLOCKS, SOMEHOW NAVIGATG THE CROWD SIWALKS WHOUT ONCE LIFTG HIS GAZE OM THE SCREEN. “HERE’S ONE … 1,127 FEET,” HE MUTTERED. AND THEN, “OH, 413 FEET!” SENSG MY ANNOYANCE, HE SHOWED ME HIS PHONE: DOZENS OF LTLE THUMBNAIL PICTUR OF GUYS, WH LTLE BLURBS ABOUT THEMSELV, ANIZED OM TOP TO BOTTOM ORR OF PROXIMY. SUDNLY, BEME CLEAR TO ME WHAT HIS EXCEMENT WAS ABOUT. COULD THIS C LTLE IPHONE APP BE EVERY SGLE GAY MAN’S DREAM: TO BE ABLE TO CISE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME? SHOPPG? WHY NOT! MEET ME AISLE C! KILLG TIME AT THE AIRPORT? I’M STG AT GATE 17. AT THE GYM? A NO-BRAER. EVEN AT GAY BARS: CISG WH CISG.GRDR CLAIMS S APP HAS MORE THAN A LN ERS MORE THAN 180 UNTRI, CLUDG SRI LANKA, DJIBOUTI, HAI, IRAQ, AND IRAN, PLAC WHERE BEG GAY N GET YOU KILLED. BUT NOWHERE IS GRDR MORE POPULAR THAN THE U.K., WHERE THERE ARE MORE THAN 160,000 ERS, WHICH MEANS, AFTER ADJTG FOR POPULATN, ALMOST TWICE AS MANY GAY BRS E GRDR AS GAY AMERINS DO. LONDON TOPS THE LIST OF CI, WH 62,000 GRDR ERS, WHICH THE PANY PROUDLY POTS OUT IS “1 EVERY 60 MALE LONDONERS.” USERS SPEND AN AVERAGE OF 1.3 HOURS A DAY LOGGED ON. OPENLY GAY CELEBRY JACK-OF-ALL-TRAS AND VOUT TECHNOPHILE STEPHEN FRY TRODUCED GRDR TO BRISH TELEVISN VIEWERS ON THE BBC’S H SHOW TOP GEAR, WHICH IS ABOUT THE RATHER HETEROSEXUAL SUBJECT OF RS. “THIS ONE MAY NOT BE QUE SO UP YOUR STRATA,” HE WARNED *TOP GEAR’*S HOST, JEREMY CLARKSON. “IT’S LLED GRDR.” AS FRY SHOWED OFF THE APP, CLARKSON’S CRLY SHIFTED TO ENTHIASM. “YOU N FD THE NEART CISG HOMOSEXUAL WH ONE OF THOSE?,” HE MARVELED. “IMAGE TRAFFIC JAMS!” GRDR DOWNLOADS SPIKED BY 30,000 THE DAYS AFTER FRY’S APPEARANCE ON THE SHOW.I’D TRIED PUTER-ASSISTED DATG ONLY ONCE BEFORE, WH MIXED RULTS, BUT GRDR SEEMED SO EASY—A FEW TAPS OF MY IPHONE SCREEN AND I WAS OFF TO THE RAC—THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO RIST. FIRST I NEED A PROFILE. GRDR PROFILE PHOTOS FALL TO FOUR GENERAL TEGORI: LAZY, EARNT, ABSURD, AND SEXUALLY SUGGTIVE. THE STAPLE OF THE LAZY TEGORY IS THE LO-R, SELF-TAKEN MIRROR SHOT, WHICH TRANSLAT TO “I DON’T GIVE A SH ABOUT GRDR OR ANY OF YOU SO I’M NOT GONNA TRY VERY HARD.” IN MY EXPERIENCE, MOST PROMISCUO GAY GUYS—THE TYPE I EXPECTED TO ENUNTER ON GRDR—TEND TO PREFER TACHED, FUCK-YOU TYP AND ARE TURNED ON BY OFFPUT-ISHNS. THE PROJECTN OF APATHY IS SENTIAL TO THE LAZY STRATEGY. UNR NO CIRCUMSTANC IS EVER ACCEPTABLE TO E ACROSS AS EAGER. I PUT ON MY FAVORE T-SHIRT, AND A FEW DOZEN SHOTS LATER I HAD MY VERY OWN FUCK-YOU, LO-R MIRROR PROFILE PHOTO, THE BACK OF MY IPHONE THE FOREGROUND, MY PISSED-OFF-LOOKG MUG THE BACKGROUND.NEXT ME MY PROFILE BLURB. RARELY HAVE I EVER RE-WRTEN, EDED, AND RE-EDED SO FEW WORDS SO MANY TIM. I FALLY SETTLED ON THE PASSIVE-AGGRSIVE, FX-NONCHALANT “MAKE ME AN OFFER” AND CLUD A LK TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE (IF NOTHG ELSE, GRDR WOULD HELP ME PROMOTE MY BRAND). AS SOON AS I STARTED CISG PROFIL, I SCROLLED TO SEVERAL IENDS AND ACQUATANC. I STOPPED TO DROP EACH A LE TO LET THEM KNOW I WAS THE HOE (NOT YET HAVG REALIZED THAT IF I ULD SEE THEM, THEY ULD SEE ME). AT FIRST, GRDR FELT A B LIKE THE NEIGHBORHOOD GAY BAR, NOT “THE SRIT GAY BAR ON EARTH THAT IS ALL OVER THE EARTH,” AS BLOGGER CHOIRE SICHA PUT . THERE WASN’T A SHORTAGE OF EAKS, BUT NEHER WERE THERE ANY GENUE CREEPS.GRDR IS DOMATED BY TWO WARRG ARCHETYP: THE SHIRTLS, ALPHA-MALE HEADLS TORSOS AND THEIR ARCHENEMI, THE FSY, UPPY FAC. THE HEADLS TORSOS SEE GRDR AS A PURE, SGLE-FUNCTN TOOL FOR FACILATG HOOKUPS, NOT A SOCIAL CENTER FOR CHATTG AND MAKG IENDS. SPARTAN WORDSMHS, THE HEADLS TORSOS ARE FLUENT JT A HANDFUL OF WORDS AND PHRAS, LIKE “HEY,” “SUP,” AND “WHO’S HOSTG?” THE FAC SEE GRDR MORE AS A MULTI-FUNCTNAL PUBLIC SQUARE AND ARE NVCED THEY HOLD THE MORAL HIGH GROUND. WHY N’T YOU HEADLS TORSOS JT MAN UP AND PAN UP TO CLU YOUR FAC? OCSNALLY A VIRTUAL BAR BRAWL BETWEEN THE HEADLS TORSOS AND THE FAC SPILLS OUT ONTO THE SIWALK. ONE FACE FIR OFF A WARNG SHOT HIS BLURB: “I’M NOT TO HEADLS TORSOS AND ‘HEY’ IS FOR HORS.” A HEADLS TORSO RPONDS BY TAGGG HIMSELF “HEADLS TORSO” AND FUMG, “I ALREADY HAVE IENDS!” THERE ARE PLENTY OF VIGILANTE CROSSG-GUARD TYP EAGER TO REFEREE. “IF YOU N’T BE A GENTLEMAN AT LEAST BE POLE,” SLDS ONE. IT’S NO WONR THAT WH ALL THE MOTN SOME GUYS ARE PERPLEXED OVER HOW TO BEHAVE OR WHAT TO WRE ON GRDR. “UM, NOT SURE WHAT TO WRE HERE,” NFS TOM, GGERLY DIPPG A TOE TO THE ULDRON.ANYONE N DOWNLOAD GRDR, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, AND NOBODY NEEDS TO SEND YOU A “IEND REQUT” BEFORE CHATTG YOU UP AND/OR SENDG YOU NUDIE PICS. THIS LACK OF A ONT GATE IS BOUND TO BACKFIRE SOONER OR LATER, PERHAPS THE WAY DID FOR EX-NGRSMAN CHRIS LEE, WHO TEMPORARILY HOLDS THE RERD FOR QUICKT PUTER-ASSISTED-DATG-RELATED CRASH AND BURN THE HISTORY OF AMERIN POLICS. IT N’T BE TOO LONG BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS UGHT GRDRG WH UNR-AGE PAG, à LA MARK FOLEY. IF YOU’RE GRDRG D.C., YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A MUTE TO WATCH THIS SHORT VIO EXPOSé ON THE WEB SE OF SUBWAY DAILY THE WASHGTON EXAMER, STARRG THE PAPER’S THEN “YEAS & NAYS” LUMNIST, TARA PALMERI. “THEY’RE NOT ASKG, THEY’RE NOT TELLG, SOME OF THEM,” ANNOUNC PALMERI OM THE CAPOL LAWN. “INSTEAD THEY’RE NNECTG ON A SE LLED GRDR.” INSI THE WHE HOE SHE FDS “A SLEW OF MEN” WH A FEW HUNDRED FEET, SO MANY THAT “YOU N LERALLY SCROLL THROUGH AND LOAD MORE GUYS, SO SEEMS LIKE SI THE WHE HOE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A GOOD PLACE TO NNECT!” THE PICTURE IS EVEN ROSIER ONT OF THE PENTAGON, WHERE SHE FDS “PAG AND PAG OF MEN LOOKG TO NNECT.” (MEDIAE’S MICHAEL TRIPLETT RAN A TT OF HIS OWN, SIGNG ON ROUGHLY THE SAME SPOT WHERE PALMERI HAD. GIVEN THAT GRDR’S G.P.S. ACCURACY HAS A MARG OF ERROR OF ABOUT 1,600 FEET, EVEN IF SAYS THE NEART GUY IS ONLY A FEW HUNDRED FEET AWAY—SEEMGLY PLACG HIM SI THE PENTAGON—HE’S “JT AS LIKELY TO BE A SAL CLERK AT ABERCROMBIE & FCH AS HE IS AN ARMY OFFICER LOOKG FOR A LTLE DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL ACTN,” TRIPLETT NCLUD.)IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG FOR THE FIRST GRDR-ORIGATED DATE RAPE TO BE REPORTED, WHEN A 15-YEAR-OLD VANUVER BOY WAS ALLEGEDLY SEXUALLY ASSLTED BY A 54-YEAR-OLD MAN WHOM HE’D MET UP WH AFTER CHATTG ON GRDR BACK APRIL 2010. THIS WASN’T A SE OF A PREDATOR G.P.S.-STALKG HIS PREY AND THEN ATTACKG HIM A DARK ALLEY, WHICH WH GRDR’S PROXIMY FUNCTN WOULD BE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE; WAS MORE GARN-VARIETY PUTER-ASSISTED TERGENERATNAL DATE GONE WRONG. THE SEX PART MAY NOT HAVE BEEN NSENSUAL, BUT THE CISN TO MEET UP APPARENTLY WAS. GRDR DON’T ALLOW GUYS YOUNGER THAN 17 ON THE APP, BUT DON’T ASK FOR ID, EHER (JT “TAP OK TO NFIRM THAT YOU ARE 17 OR OVER” TO BEG DOWNLOADG).MOST POPULARTHE TAN SUBMERSIBLE DISASTER WAS YEARS THE MAKG, NEW DETAILS REVEALBY SAN CASEYMELANIA’S TAKE ON DONALD TMP’S FOURTH INDICTMENT IS BASILLY “SUCKS TO BE YOU, PAL”: REPORTBY BS LEVPRCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE’S HEART OF INVICT NETFLIX DOC GETS A TRAILER AND RELEASE DATEBY KASE WICKMANGRDR’S LIST OF 34 L, OR “PROFILE GUIL,” READS LIKE THE STUNT HANDBOOK AT A PAROCHIAL SCHOOL. GRDR DON’T JT FORBID NUDY; ALSO REQUIR A BUFFER ZONE, A NO-MAN’S LAND “ONE CH ABOVE THE PUBIC AREA.” NOR IS KOSHER TO SHOW YOUR UNDI, EVEN THE WAISTBAND, AND DON’T TRY TO SKIRT THE L BY VERG UP WH A TOWEL OR “SHEER, OR OTHERWISE SEE-THROUGH” CLOTHG. YOU N’T GRAB YOUR CROTCH OR POSE ANY OTHER SEXUALLY SUGGTIVE WAY, AND “OBSCENE GTUR” AND “PROFANY OR CURSE WORDS” AREN’T TOLERATED. GRDR SEEMS TO BE GETTG MORE SER ABOUT ENFORCEMENT. LATELY I’VE NOTICED AN CREASE THE NUMBER OF PROFILE PICS TAKEN DOWN AND REPLACED WH “PHOTO UNR REVIEW.” “APPLE HAS VERY SPECIFIC GUIL—NO NUDY, NO PROFANY. THOSE ARE THEIR GUIL WHICH WE ABI BY,” GRDR FOUNR AND C.E.O. JOEL SIMKHAI TOLD BLOGGER ZACK ROSEN.SIMKHAI MAY BE A PROLIFIC LE WRER, BUT THE PANY SEEMS TO BE SUFFERG OM A SER SE OF WRER’S BLOCK WHEN TO ARTICULATG WHAT GRDR IS OR TENDS TO BE. ITS SLOGAN IS “GRDR. IT’S A GUY THG,” AS IF THE “GUYS” ARE GRDRG DURG BALL-GAME MERCIALS. ITS LOGO LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A VVILLE MASK AND SOMETHG HANNIBAL LECTER MIGHT WEAR. THE PANY’S EXPLANATN OF THE NAME GRDR STRAS CRLY. “HERE’S THE AL: THE NAME ‘GRDR’ WAS CHOSEN BEE EMBODIED THE IA OF ‘GRDG’ PEOPLE TOGETHER THE SAME WAY THAT A FFEE GRR GRDS FFEE BEANS,” THE PANY EXPLAS ON S WEB SE. “THE NAME IS ALSO PARTLY A BATN OF THE WORDS ‘GUY’ AND ‘FR.’ ” YOU’D BE HARD-PRSED TO FOOL EVEN THE DIMMT-WTED QUEEN WH SUCH CLUMSY SP.THE BLOG SE CELEBRIFI CLARED SIMKHAI RPONSIBLE FOR THE “BIGGT CHANGE GAY HOOKUPS SCE THE HANKY ,” YET SIMKHAI TIRELSLY DOWNPLAYS GRDR’S OBV SEXUAL UNRCURRENT. “FROM MY PERSPECTIVE … ’S NOT SEX. IT’S A PRECURSOR TO SEX. IT’S JT BEFORE,” SIMKHAI TOLD THE OBSERVER (U.K.) JULY 2010. “THAT’S HOW I SEE GRDR. WE WANT TO BE SEXY. WE THK SEX IS PART OF LIFE, THE BASIS OF LIFE. BUT GRDR IS SEXS RATHER THAN SEX.” HUH? TRY AS HE DO TO FSE HIS WIDGET, WHEN RNERED SIMKHAI TENDS TO RETREAT TO THE SAFETY OF A FORMULAIC DISTANCG MANVER: “I’M JT A TECHNOLOGY PROVIR,” AS HE TOLD ROSEN.I’VE READ OR HEARD VAR UTILARIAN-THEMED ANECDOT ABOUT GRDR: THE GUY WHO GOT A JOB WH AN ITALIAN ACTG TROUPE AFTER MEETG S DIRECTOR ON GRDR; THE GUY WHO GOT LOCKED OUT OF HIS APARTMENT AT THREE A.M. BUT FOUND A SUABLE PLACE TO CRASH FOR THE NIGHT THANKS TO GRDR; THE GUY WHO’S NEW TO TOWN AND GRDR TO MEET IENDS. NOT TO MENTN THE IRRISTIBLE GRDRG-ON-A-PLANE STORI. BUT FOR ME, GRDR HASN’T PROVEN VERY EFUL AS A TOOL, SORT OF LIKE THE ALLIGATOR WRENCH THE WORKSHOP. IN THE SIX MONTHS I’VE BEEN ON GRDR, ’S PROVID ME WH A FEW NEW FACEBOOK IENDS, AND I RENNECTED WH AN OLD ACQUATANCE FOR A PLEASANT SUNDAY BNCH. MOST GAS ED, GIVEN THE AMOUNT OF TIME I’VE SPENT ON GRDR. WHEN YOU BOIL DOWN, GRDR IS REALLY JT ANOTHER TIME-SUCKG TECHNO TOY, ANOTHER TRENDY DISTRACTN OF THE GADGET ERA, ALBE ONE RRYG THE FAT HOPE OF SEX OR IENDSHIP. CALL ME OLD-FASHNED, BUT I’M NOSTALGIC FOR THE PRE-MOBILE-VICE DAYS, WHEN A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN HELD THE PROMISE OF ADVENTURE—OR AT LEAST THE UNKNOWN.MOST POPULARTHE TAN SUBMERSIBLE DISASTER WAS YEARS THE MAKG, NEW DETAILS REVEALBY SAN CASEYMELANIA’S TAKE ON DONALD TMP’S FOURTH INDICTMENT IS BASILLY “SUCKS TO BE YOU, PAL”: REPORTBY BS LEVPRCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE’S HEART OF INVICT NETFLIX DOC GETS A TRAILER AND RELEASE DATEBY KASE WICKMANBUT GRDR IS PROVG IRREPRSIBLE, AND THE PANY IS GROWG BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS. IN SEPTEMBER, GRDR LNCHED ON THE IPAD. IN MARCH, AFTER MUCH LAY, THE PANY FALLY ANNOUNCED—AT SOUTH BY SOUTHWT, NATURALLY—THE POSSIBLY IMMENT ARRIVAL OF A STRAIGHT VERSN OF GRDR, LLED PROJECT AMIC, “A NEW LOTN-BASED MOBILE EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE.” THE PROJECT AMIC WEB SE ALLOWS YOU TO SIGN UP FOR THE “BETA LNCH,” WHATEVER THAT MEANS. (AS I WRE THIS, ’S BEEN MORE THAN TWO MONTHS, AND I’M STILL AWAG NEWS OF THE BETA LNCH.) ONCE AGA, THE PANY IS TONGUE-TIED WHEN TO ARTICULATG A HERENT MARKETG MSAGE FOR S NEW APP. “AMIC, A LAT WORD MEANG ‘IEND,’ HIGHLIGHTS THE PROJECT’S SOCIAL EMPHASIS,” EXPLAED A PRS RELEASE. BUT IF THE STRAIGHTS N SPREAD THE NEWS AS EFFECTIVELY AS THE GAYS DID—THE PANY BOUGHT NO ADVERTISG AND RELIED ALMOST ENTIRELY ON WORD OF MOUTH TO MARKET GRDR—SIMKHAI NEEDN’T SWEAT . WILL GRDR TRANSLATE TO AMIC? “I’M NOT SURE GRDR ULD FULLY ACMODATE THE PLEXI OF MALE-FEMALE TERACTNS,” WROTE POLLY VERNON THE OBSERVER BUT AS SIMKHAI TOLD VERNON, “[G]AY MEN DON’T HAVE THE MONOPOLY ON LONELS AND ISOLATN.” NOW THERE’S A SLOGAN!MATT KAPP

WHY GAY BARS ARE DISAPPEARG ACROSS AMERI

I see gay people everywhere real life, I’m shocked that the apps have died, unls your a 19 year old whe du.

IN HAVANA, GAY BARS HOLD THEIR OWN AGAST THE INTER

A nfluence of factors ntribute to the rapid disappearance of gay bars and queer spac across Ameri, acrdg to Zach Stafford, edor--chief of Grdr’s magaze INTO. Many blame datg apps as the digal accs to potential partners obviat the need for -real-life flirtg and, as Stafford not on this week’s episo of the Eater Upsell podst, “People n make any space through the apps a gay bar, a gay club, and you kd of now unrstand that gay people are everywhere. Also changg gay bars as we know them across the untry: gentrifitn and a prsure to ter to straight dienc and sell them ritur of what pop culture says a gay bar should be.

GRDR: WELE TO THE WORLD’S BIGGT, SRIT GAY BARGRDR, THE POPULAR “GEOSOCIAL WORKG” IPHONE APP FOR GAY MEN, HAS MORE THAN A LN ERS 180 UNTRI, CLUDG IRAQ, IRAN, AND HAI. IT’S BEEN LLED A “REVOLUTNARY DATG TOOL”—AND ALSO “THE SRIT GAY BAR ON EARTH THAT IS ALL OVER THE EARTH.” FROM HIS VIRTUAL BAR STOOL, THOR MATT KAPP S THE LGUA AN OF SMART-PHONE-ASSISTED GAY DATG AND WONRS WHETHER GRDR N TRANSLATE TO HETERO.BY MATT KAPPMAY 27, 2011SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEA SMART, ATTRACTIVE, CHRONILLY SGLE IEND OF ME HAD BEEN FEVERISHLY FIDGETG WH HIS IPHONE FOR HALF A DOZEN BLOCKS, SOMEHOW NAVIGATG THE CROWD SIWALKS WHOUT ONCE LIFTG HIS GAZE OM THE SCREEN. “HERE’S ONE … 1,127 FEET,” HE MUTTERED. AND THEN, “OH, 413 FEET!” SENSG MY ANNOYANCE, HE SHOWED ME HIS PHONE: DOZENS OF LTLE THUMBNAIL PICTUR OF GUYS, WH LTLE BLURBS ABOUT THEMSELV, ANIZED OM TOP TO BOTTOM ORR OF PROXIMY. SUDNLY, BEME CLEAR TO ME WHAT HIS EXCEMENT WAS ABOUT. COULD THIS C LTLE IPHONE APP BE EVERY SGLE GAY MAN’S DREAM: TO BE ABLE TO CISE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME? SHOPPG? WHY NOT! MEET ME AISLE C! KILLG TIME AT THE AIRPORT? I’M STG AT GATE 17. AT THE GYM? A NO-BRAER. EVEN AT GAY BARS: CISG WH CISG.GRDR CLAIMS S APP HAS MORE THAN A LN ERS MORE THAN 180 UNTRI, CLUDG SRI LANKA, DJIBOUTI, HAI, IRAQ, AND IRAN, PLAC WHERE BEG GAY N GET YOU KILLED. BUT NOWHERE IS GRDR MORE POPULAR THAN THE U.K., WHERE THERE ARE MORE THAN 160,000 ERS, WHICH MEANS, AFTER ADJTG FOR POPULATN, ALMOST TWICE AS MANY GAY BRS E GRDR AS GAY AMERINS DO. LONDON TOPS THE LIST OF CI, WH 62,000 GRDR ERS, WHICH THE PANY PROUDLY POTS OUT IS “1 EVERY 60 MALE LONDONERS.” USERS SPEND AN AVERAGE OF 1.3 HOURS A DAY LOGGED ON. OPENLY GAY CELEBRY JACK-OF-ALL-TRAS AND VOUT TECHNOPHILE STEPHEN FRY TRODUCED GRDR TO BRISH TELEVISN VIEWERS ON THE BBC’S H SHOW TOP GEAR, WHICH IS ABOUT THE RATHER HETEROSEXUAL SUBJECT OF RS. “THIS ONE MAY NOT BE QUE SO UP YOUR STRATA,” HE WARNED *TOP GEAR’*S HOST, JEREMY CLARKSON. “IT’S LLED GRDR.” AS FRY SHOWED OFF THE APP, CLARKSON’S CRLY SHIFTED TO ENTHIASM. “YOU N FD THE NEART CISG HOMOSEXUAL WH ONE OF THOSE?,” HE MARVELED. “IMAGE TRAFFIC JAMS!” GRDR DOWNLOADS SPIKED BY 30,000 THE DAYS AFTER FRY’S APPEARANCE ON THE SHOW.I’D TRIED PUTER-ASSISTED DATG ONLY ONCE BEFORE, WH MIXED RULTS, BUT GRDR SEEMED SO EASY—A FEW TAPS OF MY IPHONE SCREEN AND I WAS OFF TO THE RAC—THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO RIST. FIRST I NEED A PROFILE. GRDR PROFILE PHOTOS FALL TO FOUR GENERAL TEGORI: LAZY, EARNT, ABSURD, AND SEXUALLY SUGGTIVE. THE STAPLE OF THE LAZY TEGORY IS THE LO-R, SELF-TAKEN MIRROR SHOT, WHICH TRANSLAT TO “I DON’T GIVE A SH ABOUT GRDR OR ANY OF YOU SO I’M NOT GONNA TRY VERY HARD.” IN MY EXPERIENCE, MOST PROMISCUO GAY GUYS—THE TYPE I EXPECTED TO ENUNTER ON GRDR—TEND TO PREFER TACHED, FUCK-YOU TYP AND ARE TURNED ON BY OFFPUT-ISHNS. THE PROJECTN OF APATHY IS SENTIAL TO THE LAZY STRATEGY. UNR NO CIRCUMSTANC IS EVER ACCEPTABLE TO E ACROSS AS EAGER. I PUT ON MY FAVORE T-SHIRT, AND A FEW DOZEN SHOTS LATER I HAD MY VERY OWN FUCK-YOU, LO-R MIRROR PROFILE PHOTO, THE BACK OF MY IPHONE THE FOREGROUND, MY PISSED-OFF-LOOKG MUG THE BACKGROUND.NEXT ME MY PROFILE BLURB. RARELY HAVE I EVER RE-WRTEN, EDED, AND RE-EDED SO FEW WORDS SO MANY TIM. I FALLY SETTLED ON THE PASSIVE-AGGRSIVE, FX-NONCHALANT “MAKE ME AN OFFER” AND CLUD A LK TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE (IF NOTHG ELSE, GRDR WOULD HELP ME PROMOTE MY BRAND). AS SOON AS I STARTED CISG PROFIL, I SCROLLED TO SEVERAL IENDS AND ACQUATANC. I STOPPED TO DROP EACH A LE TO LET THEM KNOW I WAS THE HOE (NOT YET HAVG REALIZED THAT IF I ULD SEE THEM, THEY ULD SEE ME). AT FIRST, GRDR FELT A B LIKE THE NEIGHBORHOOD GAY BAR, NOT “THE SRIT GAY BAR ON EARTH THAT IS ALL OVER THE EARTH,” AS BLOGGER CHOIRE SICHA PUT . THERE WASN’T A SHORTAGE OF EAKS, BUT NEHER WERE THERE ANY GENUE CREEPS.GRDR IS DOMATED BY TWO WARRG ARCHETYP: THE SHIRTLS, ALPHA-MALE HEADLS TORSOS AND THEIR ARCHENEMI, THE FSY, UPPY FAC. THE HEADLS TORSOS SEE GRDR AS A PURE, SGLE-FUNCTN TOOL FOR FACILATG HOOKUPS, NOT A SOCIAL CENTER FOR CHATTG AND MAKG IENDS. SPARTAN WORDSMHS, THE HEADLS TORSOS ARE FLUENT JT A HANDFUL OF WORDS AND PHRAS, LIKE “HEY,” “SUP,” AND “WHO’S HOSTG?” THE FAC SEE GRDR MORE AS A MULTI-FUNCTNAL PUBLIC SQUARE AND ARE NVCED THEY HOLD THE MORAL HIGH GROUND. WHY N’T YOU HEADLS TORSOS JT MAN UP AND PAN UP TO CLU YOUR FAC? OCSNALLY A VIRTUAL BAR BRAWL BETWEEN THE HEADLS TORSOS AND THE FAC SPILLS OUT ONTO THE SIWALK. ONE FACE FIR OFF A WARNG SHOT HIS BLURB: “I’M NOT TO HEADLS TORSOS AND ‘HEY’ IS FOR HORS.” A HEADLS TORSO RPONDS BY TAGGG HIMSELF “HEADLS TORSO” AND FUMG, “I ALREADY HAVE IENDS!” THERE ARE PLENTY OF VIGILANTE CROSSG-GUARD TYP EAGER TO REFEREE. “IF YOU N’T BE A GENTLEMAN AT LEAST BE POLE,” SLDS ONE. IT’S NO WONR THAT WH ALL THE MOTN SOME GUYS ARE PERPLEXED OVER HOW TO BEHAVE OR WHAT TO WRE ON GRDR. “UM, NOT SURE WHAT TO WRE HERE,” NFS TOM, GGERLY DIPPG A TOE TO THE ULDRON.ANYONE N DOWNLOAD GRDR, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, AND NOBODY NEEDS TO SEND YOU A “IEND REQUT” BEFORE CHATTG YOU UP AND/OR SENDG YOU NUDIE PICS. THIS LACK OF A ONT GATE IS BOUND TO BACKFIRE SOONER OR LATER, PERHAPS THE WAY DID FOR EX-NGRSMAN CHRIS LEE, WHO TEMPORARILY HOLDS THE RERD FOR QUICKT PUTER-ASSISTED-DATG-RELATED CRASH AND BURN THE HISTORY OF AMERIN POLICS. IT N’T BE TOO LONG BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS UGHT GRDRG WH UNR-AGE PAG, à LA MARK FOLEY. IF YOU’RE GRDRG D.C., YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A MUTE TO WATCH THIS SHORT VIO EXPOSé ON THE WEB SE OF SUBWAY DAILY THE WASHGTON EXAMER, STARRG THE PAPER’S THEN “YEAS & NAYS” LUMNIST, TARA PALMERI. “THEY’RE NOT ASKG, THEY’RE NOT TELLG, SOME OF THEM,” ANNOUNC PALMERI OM THE CAPOL LAWN. “INSTEAD THEY’RE NNECTG ON A SE LLED GRDR.” INSI THE WHE HOE SHE FDS “A SLEW OF MEN” WH A FEW HUNDRED FEET, SO MANY THAT “YOU N LERALLY SCROLL THROUGH AND LOAD MORE GUYS, SO SEEMS LIKE SI THE WHE HOE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A GOOD PLACE TO NNECT!” THE PICTURE IS EVEN ROSIER ONT OF THE PENTAGON, WHERE SHE FDS “PAG AND PAG OF MEN LOOKG TO NNECT.” (MEDIAE’S MICHAEL TRIPLETT RAN A TT OF HIS OWN, SIGNG ON ROUGHLY THE SAME SPOT WHERE PALMERI HAD. GIVEN THAT GRDR’S G.P.S. ACCURACY HAS A MARG OF ERROR OF ABOUT 1,600 FEET, EVEN IF SAYS THE NEART GUY IS ONLY A FEW HUNDRED FEET AWAY—SEEMGLY PLACG HIM SI THE PENTAGON—HE’S “JT AS LIKELY TO BE A SAL CLERK AT ABERCROMBIE & FCH AS HE IS AN ARMY OFFICER LOOKG FOR A LTLE DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL ACTN,” TRIPLETT NCLUD.)IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG FOR THE FIRST GRDR-ORIGATED DATE RAPE TO BE REPORTED, WHEN A 15-YEAR-OLD VANUVER BOY WAS ALLEGEDLY SEXUALLY ASSLTED BY A 54-YEAR-OLD MAN WHOM HE’D MET UP WH AFTER CHATTG ON GRDR BACK APRIL 2010. THIS WASN’T A SE OF A PREDATOR G.P.S.-STALKG HIS PREY AND THEN ATTACKG HIM A DARK ALLEY, WHICH WH GRDR’S PROXIMY FUNCTN WOULD BE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE; WAS MORE GARN-VARIETY PUTER-ASSISTED TERGENERATNAL DATE GONE WRONG. THE SEX PART MAY NOT HAVE BEEN NSENSUAL, BUT THE CISN TO MEET UP APPARENTLY WAS. GRDR DON’T ALLOW GUYS YOUNGER THAN 17 ON THE APP, BUT DON’T ASK FOR ID, EHER (JT “TAP OK TO NFIRM THAT YOU ARE 17 OR OVER” TO BEG DOWNLOADG).MOST POPULARTHE TAN SUBMERSIBLE DISASTER WAS YEARS THE MAKG, NEW DETAILS REVEALBY SAN CASEYMELANIA’S TAKE ON DONALD TMP’S FOURTH INDICTMENT IS BASILLY “SUCKS TO BE YOU, PAL”: REPORTBY BS LEVPRCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE’S HEART OF INVICT NETFLIX DOC GETS A TRAILER AND RELEASE DATEBY KASE WICKMANGRDR’S LIST OF 34 L, OR “PROFILE GUIL,” READS LIKE THE STUNT HANDBOOK AT A PAROCHIAL SCHOOL. GRDR DON’T JT FORBID NUDY; ALSO REQUIR A BUFFER ZONE, A NO-MAN’S LAND “ONE CH ABOVE THE PUBIC AREA.” NOR IS KOSHER TO SHOW YOUR UNDI, EVEN THE WAISTBAND, AND DON’T TRY TO SKIRT THE L BY VERG UP WH A TOWEL OR “SHEER, OR OTHERWISE SEE-THROUGH” CLOTHG. YOU N’T GRAB YOUR CROTCH OR POSE ANY OTHER SEXUALLY SUGGTIVE WAY, AND “OBSCENE GTUR” AND “PROFANY OR CURSE WORDS” AREN’T TOLERATED. GRDR SEEMS TO BE GETTG MORE SER ABOUT ENFORCEMENT. LATELY I’VE NOTICED AN CREASE THE NUMBER OF PROFILE PICS TAKEN DOWN AND REPLACED WH “PHOTO UNR REVIEW.” “APPLE HAS VERY SPECIFIC GUIL—NO NUDY, NO PROFANY. THOSE ARE THEIR GUIL WHICH WE ABI BY,” GRDR FOUNR AND C.E.O. JOEL SIMKHAI TOLD BLOGGER ZACK ROSEN.SIMKHAI MAY BE A PROLIFIC LE WRER, BUT THE PANY SEEMS TO BE SUFFERG OM A SER SE OF WRER’S BLOCK WHEN TO ARTICULATG WHAT GRDR IS OR TENDS TO BE. ITS SLOGAN IS “GRDR. IT’S A GUY THG,” AS IF THE “GUYS” ARE GRDRG DURG BALL-GAME MERCIALS. ITS LOGO LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A VVILLE MASK AND SOMETHG HANNIBAL LECTER MIGHT WEAR. THE PANY’S EXPLANATN OF THE NAME GRDR STRAS CRLY. “HERE’S THE AL: THE NAME ‘GRDR’ WAS CHOSEN BEE EMBODIED THE IA OF ‘GRDG’ PEOPLE TOGETHER THE SAME WAY THAT A FFEE GRR GRDS FFEE BEANS,” THE PANY EXPLAS ON S WEB SE. “THE NAME IS ALSO PARTLY A BATN OF THE WORDS ‘GUY’ AND ‘FR.’ ” YOU’D BE HARD-PRSED TO FOOL EVEN THE DIMMT-WTED QUEEN WH SUCH CLUMSY SP.THE BLOG SE CELEBRIFI CLARED SIMKHAI RPONSIBLE FOR THE “BIGGT CHANGE GAY HOOKUPS SCE THE HANKY ,” YET SIMKHAI TIRELSLY DOWNPLAYS GRDR’S OBV SEXUAL UNRCURRENT. “FROM MY PERSPECTIVE … ’S NOT SEX. IT’S A PRECURSOR TO SEX. IT’S JT BEFORE,” SIMKHAI TOLD THE OBSERVER (U.K.) JULY 2010. “THAT’S HOW I SEE GRDR. WE WANT TO BE SEXY. WE THK SEX IS PART OF LIFE, THE BASIS OF LIFE. BUT GRDR IS SEXS RATHER THAN SEX.” HUH? TRY AS HE DO TO FSE HIS WIDGET, WHEN RNERED SIMKHAI TENDS TO RETREAT TO THE SAFETY OF A FORMULAIC DISTANCG MANVER: “I’M JT A TECHNOLOGY PROVIR,” AS HE TOLD ROSEN.I’VE READ OR HEARD VAR UTILARIAN-THEMED ANECDOT ABOUT GRDR: THE GUY WHO GOT A JOB WH AN ITALIAN ACTG TROUPE AFTER MEETG S DIRECTOR ON GRDR; THE GUY WHO GOT LOCKED OUT OF HIS APARTMENT AT THREE A.M. BUT FOUND A SUABLE PLACE TO CRASH FOR THE NIGHT THANKS TO GRDR; THE GUY WHO’S NEW TO TOWN AND GRDR TO MEET IENDS. NOT TO MENTN THE IRRISTIBLE GRDRG-ON-A-PLANE STORI. BUT FOR ME, GRDR HASN’T PROVEN VERY EFUL AS A TOOL, SORT OF LIKE THE ALLIGATOR WRENCH THE WORKSHOP. IN THE SIX MONTHS I’VE BEEN ON GRDR, ’S PROVID ME WH A FEW NEW FACEBOOK IENDS, AND I RENNECTED WH AN OLD ACQUATANCE FOR A PLEASANT SUNDAY BNCH. MOST GAS ED, GIVEN THE AMOUNT OF TIME I’VE SPENT ON GRDR. WHEN YOU BOIL DOWN, GRDR IS REALLY JT ANOTHER TIME-SUCKG TECHNO TOY, ANOTHER TRENDY DISTRACTN OF THE GADGET ERA, ALBE ONE RRYG THE FAT HOPE OF SEX OR IENDSHIP. CALL ME OLD-FASHNED, BUT I’M NOSTALGIC FOR THE PRE-MOBILE-VICE DAYS, WHEN A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN HELD THE PROMISE OF ADVENTURE—OR AT LEAST THE UNKNOWN.MOST POPULARTHE TAN SUBMERSIBLE DISASTER WAS YEARS THE MAKG, NEW DETAILS REVEALBY SAN CASEYMELANIA’S TAKE ON DONALD TMP’S FOURTH INDICTMENT IS BASILLY “SUCKS TO BE YOU, PAL”: REPORTBY BS LEVPRCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE’S HEART OF INVICT NETFLIX DOC GETS A TRAILER AND RELEASE DATEBY KASE WICKMANBUT GRDR IS PROVG IRREPRSIBLE, AND THE PANY IS GROWG BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS. IN SEPTEMBER, GRDR LNCHED ON THE IPAD. IN MARCH, AFTER MUCH LAY, THE PANY FALLY ANNOUNCED—AT SOUTH BY SOUTHWT, NATURALLY—THE POSSIBLY IMMENT ARRIVAL OF A STRAIGHT VERSN OF GRDR, LLED PROJECT AMIC, “A NEW LOTN-BASED MOBILE EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE.” THE PROJECT AMIC WEB SE ALLOWS YOU TO SIGN UP FOR THE “BETA LNCH,” WHATEVER THAT MEANS. (AS I WRE THIS, ’S BEEN MORE THAN TWO MONTHS, AND I’M STILL AWAG NEWS OF THE BETA LNCH.) ONCE AGA, THE PANY IS TONGUE-TIED WHEN TO ARTICULATG A HERENT MARKETG MSAGE FOR S NEW APP. “AMIC, A LAT WORD MEANG ‘IEND,’ HIGHLIGHTS THE PROJECT’S SOCIAL EMPHASIS,” EXPLAED A PRS RELEASE. BUT IF THE STRAIGHTS N SPREAD THE NEWS AS EFFECTIVELY AS THE GAYS DID—THE PANY BOUGHT NO ADVERTISG AND RELIED ALMOST ENTIRELY ON WORD OF MOUTH TO MARKET GRDR—SIMKHAI NEEDN’T SWEAT . WILL GRDR TRANSLATE TO AMIC? “I’M NOT SURE GRDR ULD FULLY ACMODATE THE PLEXI OF MALE-FEMALE TERACTNS,” WROTE POLLY VERNON THE OBSERVER BUT AS SIMKHAI TOLD VERNON, “[G]AY MEN DON’T HAVE THE MONOPOLY ON LONELS AND ISOLATN.” NOW THERE’S A SLOGAN!MATT KAPP

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