Why Straight Women and Gay Men Make the Bt of Friends | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHAT THE WORLD CAN LEARN FROM GAY-STRAIGHT FRIENDSHIPS
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY
• GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS
• CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?
• BOOKS BY FRANCIS GAY
• HOW TO FD YOUR GAY BT FRIEND
• HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS
• HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY
• HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS: AN LBGT FRIENDSHIP GUI
• THE FRIENDSHIP BOOKS BY FRANCIS GAY
• WHAT HAPPENS TO GAY FRIENDSHIPS WHEN YOU GO MONOGAMO?
• CT: HOW A GAY ATHEIST TEENAGER DISVERED J AND STOPPED LIVG UNRVER
• MEETG YOUR FIRST GAY FRIEND
• JOEY OM “FRIENDS” WAS GAY & CLOSETED JOKE CUT OM SEASON 4 FALE
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• FRIENDSHIP TROUBLE: AN EXAMATN OF THE GAY BT FRIEND INTY AMERIN CONSUMER CULTURE
• GAY FRIENDSHIP QUOT
• CELIBATE PARTNERSHIP AND/VS DEVOTED FRIENDSHIP: A “GAY AND CATHOLIC” BOOK EXTRA
• BT GAY DATG APPS FOR HOOKUPS, RELATNSHIPS, AND EVERYTHG BETWEEN
• MEN AND WOMEN AS FRIENDS – WHEN ONE IS GAY OR LBIAN

WHAT THE WORLD CAN LEARN FROM GAY-STRAIGHT FRIENDSHIPS

Adam* said was dangero to e out as gay his home untry and feared beg forced to an arranged marriage wh a said he was "so lucky" to wed his soulmate, Ray, Manchter and wish everyone uld marry who they love. 'Authentilly myself'Ray said he had also stggled growg up gay the 1970s and 80s England, which was "tough" said his relig school "dmmed to you, 'you are gog to hell'" Adam returned home to Sdi Arabia, spe beg more than 3, 000 apart and later rtricted by the Covid-19 panmic, they kept touch daily and the romance years ago, Ray proposed on a vio ll and after succsfully applyg for a UK fiancé visa, Adam moved to Manchter December 2022. Adam said he had been aaid to even wear lours his home untry so the first thg he did when he moved was start to "grow my mullet, got my ears pierced and booked appotments for tattoos" relled how, ntrast, one of his gay iends Sdi had been forced to marry a woman, addg: "It has ed not only his life but the life of his wife.

The uple, who live London, said a "really betiful memory" was on the way home when one of their sons shouted out of the black b wdow to Trafalgar Square, "My dads jt got married" and cheered "Yay, gay marriage".

It’s possible that exprsg vulnerabily has posive spillover effects: Heterosexual men who have close iendships wh gay guys may wd up havg ls fear about beg more open wh their straight guy iends, acrdg to the thors of the 2021 study.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY

Michael Bronski, a profsor at Harvard Universy and the thor of “A Queer History of the Uned Stat, ” said the gay liberatn movement, which emerged after the Stonewall uprisg 1969, began dismantlg patriarchal systems that prsured all men to reprs their feelgs and engage toxic masculy, cludg homophobia. ” Even my dad would perform gay ritur an unsuccsful effort to make me lgh by flappg his wrists rogatorily and talkg a stereotypilly gay voice, which he told me he regrets eply today. I know another gay guy or female iend would have e to my fense this suatn, but the fact that was a straight guy showg such tense allyship was my iendship wh Stephen strengthened and I started buildg other relatnships wh people who would never image g homophobic slurs, I veloped a sense of eedom to be myself beyond queer spac: I’m now more fortable g out to straight male boss and owng my sexual orientatn my work, whether be through pchg L.

We currently have a survey vtigatn unrway that explor some of the posive out of “bromosexual” iendships, cludg our theory that gay men and straight men n be optimal wg men for one another.

GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS

Send, recent rearch has argued that genr and sexual orientatn might not be as black and whe as prevly thought, which opens up new avenu for explorg how gay and straight men n relate to one another.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

If a straight guy and his gay male iend are ls rigid about their masculy and sexualy, they’ll probably be more likely to discs tails about their sexual and romantic liv openly wh one another.

In short, women are able to tst the datg advice om gay male iends bee they know their gay iends don’t have any ulterr motiv: They’re not tryg to hook up wh them or pete wh them for guys.

CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?

Jt as a gay man might be able to pass on advice about women to his straight iend, a straight man uld nnect his gay male iend wh another sirable gay man, sce neher the gay man nor his straight iend are petg for the same person. We believe that havg a tstworthy nfidant to help wh romantic pursus is one of the major reasons straight and gay men are leavg the fort of their same-sex, same-orientatn iend groups to form “bromosexual” iendships.

Alas, the future, make sure you ask about payment polici up ont to protect to Roxane Gay at Gay is an endowed profsor of media, culture and femist studi at Rutgers, the thor of the forthg “Opns” and a ntributg Opn wrer.

BOOKS BY FRANCIS GAY

Dpe this apparent betrayal, when a 2003 TV movie tried to pat Ronald Reagan as a vilent homophobe, Hudson's former lover Marc Christian wrote an open letter to CBS, sayg, "The notn that Print Reagan was a homophobe strik me as silly beyond belief....

S., before there was such a thg as a gay inty, some straight men would, wh ltle shame, engage sexual ntact wh other men (ually allowg themselv to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see Gee Chncey’s semal book, Gay New York: Genr, Urban Culture, and the Makg of the Gay Male World 1890-1940) and there is good reason to believe this still occurs other untri and cultur. Gay men have suffered physil, social, and psychologil abe at the hands of heterosexually intified mal who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully jtified flictg the terrors.

The lack of petn for the same prospective partners allows the iendship to flourish a way that may be hred to some gree for gay or straight men iendships wh men who share the same sexual orientatn. Obvly, there have always been iendships between gay men and straight men, but only recently have they bee more promently, and fortably, reprented TV shows, movi, books and is often a tradnally mascule sense of faiary at play the portrayals, exudg a feelg particular enough to suggt s own term: bromosexual emergg reprentatn ntrasts wh one that has bee a cliché: the nnectn between a straight woman and her gay male bt latt media reflectn also tak a signifint leap om one of s earlit eratns. From 2003 to 2007, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” prented gay men as magil begs who functned as helpers to heterosexual men, schoolg them matters of fashn and home dér while keepg much of their own liv ntrast, the last season of “Scream Queens” found the hunky Nick Jonas prentg himself as a gay at boy who bonds over golf wh his straight aterny brother and bt iend, MenIn the recent documentary “Strike a Pose, ” about Madonna’s dance troupe om her “Blond Ambn” tour, a key plotle trac the arc of the lone straight dancer om homophobe to a man who be emotnally liberated by his many gay iends.

HOW TO FD YOUR GAY BT FRIEND

Another Bravo seri, “Manzo’d Wh Children, ” promently featur the relatnship between the heterosexual lead brothers and their gay bt iend, who was prevly their that work’s most regnizable reprentative, Andy Cohen, who is gay, rarely miss an opportuny to toast his close kship wh the guar hero and ultimate ladi man John Cohen mentns Mr.

In one outg, durg gay pri weekend, they attend a ncert by an rnatn of a band both men love, the Grateful Cohen wrote that a iend had texted him: “if I’d celebrated gay pri any more of a straight way, I’d have had sex wh a girl at the Super Bowl. Liaison for the district’s public schools, said the chang relatnships between straight and gay men have been so rapid that he se a signifint difference jt sce he graduated om high school.

“Our tradnal way of thkg of relatnships wh gay and straight men is that they are hostile, even bullyg, ” said Michael LaSala, 57, the thor of “Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child. ”A Balm for Old Wounds“There’s a sense of a reprieve, ” said Odie Ldsey, 45, a straight fictn wrer and gulf war veteran, whose new book of short stori, “We Come to Our Sens, ” featur several gay characters.

HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS

“That kd of csh seems really antique, ” said Lus Whehead, 29, a straight man who liv a brownstone Fort Greene populated by a revolvg mix of heterosexual and homosexual his i, he reports zero self-nscns about havg gay iends or roommat.

Largt LGBT groups1ExperimentaMadridOrganized by ExperimentaMadrid2ChrisOrganized by Chris3GaySocialOrganized by GaySocial4JennyOrganized by Jenny5Dom ErosOrganized by Dom Eros6John GOrganized by John G7TeriOrganized by Teri8TJ FlavellOrganized by TJ Flavell9JasonOrganized by Jason10Rima & RodneyOrganized by Rima & RodneyNewt LGBT groupsStarted Jul 22 New York, USA.

Jt like straight people, gay people n be fashnable or cluels, sporty or un-athletic, sassy or straight-laced, supportive or distant, iendly or gff, and any other mix of personaly tras. " If you want to talk about your iend to a parent or guardian, try askg "Would you be okay wh me mentng that you're gay to my parents if me up, or would you prefer that I keep quiet? Further, sce the Bible overwhelmgly refers to homosexualy as a s and wants to not engage this s (Genis 19:1-26; Levic 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:22-28; 1 Corthians 6:9; 1 Timothy 1:10), why would God select David to bee the kg of Israel?

HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY

You mentned that you don't want him to thk that you have a csh on him, but even if your iend do intify as gay, remember that do not mean that he would be attracted to every sgle male person the world.

You might want to ask yourself what difference would make to you and your iendship wh him if he do intify as gay, what would mean if he don't, or what would mean if he is not sure. One of the distctiv of the approach taken by Spirual Friendship and others (cludg those typilly referred to as “si B”) is a rejectn of the ex-gay movement’s pursu of change sexual orientatn. Instead of referrg to “homosexual persons, ” which implicly mak homosexualy the fg qualy of the people qutn, we n put thgs clearer perspective by referrg to men and women wh same-sex attractn.

A person, after all, is more than a bundle of sexual clatns, and our thkg about same-sex attractn (hereafter SSA) is cloud when we start to thk of “homosexuals” as a separate kd of human beg.

HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS: AN LBGT FRIENDSHIP GUI

Every person has a fundamental inty: the creature of God and by grace, His child and heir to eternal life” (Congregatn for the Doctre of the Fah, Letter on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons, 1986, no. " He gave me the permissn to be myself when I didn't even know who that, on DeanI grew up a small nservative town and didn't know anyone gay at school, so I met my first gay iends through social media.

For Bank, seems to be purely sex at first--he don't even nsir himself gay (I gus what he means is that he hasn't nsired a romantic relatnship wh another guy even if he enjoys sexual activy wh one guy). Friends has faced cricism recent years due to the show’s negative portrayal of LGBTQ people, cludg the humanizg way Chandler’s transgenr parent was treated, the immature lbian jok Ross’s ex-wife Carol was the butt of, and the nstant fear male characters the show lived of beg thought of as gay, g them to fear and lgh at boys and men who dance, take re of children, or play wh dolls (gay, gay, and so gay that ’s OK to be mean to your own child over). And perhaps that’s why the joke didn’t make the fal ed: ’s possible that Joey’s entire character was a refully nstcted fa for a closeted gay man, but that’s a long, arduo path for a s to go down jt for a rather un-funny zger that isn’t even need bee immediately followed one that ma the same pot.

THE FRIENDSHIP BOOKS BY FRANCIS GAY

“I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn.

”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan. In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend.

WHAT HAPPENS TO GAY FRIENDSHIPS WHEN YOU GO MONOGAMO?

Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says. ”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable.

The quali are ascertaed through an analysis of popular Amerin televisn shows and movi featurg gay bt iend characters—Will & Grace, Ugly Betty, Glee, Sex and the Cy, Burlque, The Devil Wears Prada, and Sex and the Cy 2. The tegori nstct the gay bt iend inty as one that is pletely modified and sentialized and that, although touted as an ditn of creasg acceptance of gay people, nstut ltle more than a new form of opprsn. Contemporary culture has bee saturated wh the gay bt iend; the July, 2010 issue of Teen Vogue pots out “the mt-have ems [for a fashnable teenage girl] clud a Proenza Schouler tie-dyed top, a shnken ary jack, neon bright chunky bracelets, and … a gay bt iend” (Talbot, 2010, page number).

CT: HOW A GAY ATHEIST TEENAGER DISVERED J AND STOPPED LIVG UNRVER

Ined, the gay bt iend n even be found on the shelv of booksellers natnwi Terrance Dean’s (2010) book, Straight om Your Gay Bt Friend: The Straight-Up Tth About Relatnships, Work, and Havg a Fabulo Life.

MEETG YOUR FIRST GAY FRIEND

One potential effect of this inty is the perpetuatn of the opprsive cultural unrstandg of gay men as eful for style advice, terr sign, sassy ments, their abily to cut hair, and ltle else. In addn to ntributg to the margalizatn of gay men as a whole, this uld further margalize gay men who do not fill the role of the gay bt iend if the inty be signifintly more accepted than other gay inti.

This should not e as a surprise, though, as gay culture has been heavily modified nsumer culture, the system where lkag between rourc, material and symbolic, and meangs, lived experience, and inty are created, mataed, and negotiated by markets (Arnould, 2010).

Addnally, the targetg of the gay muny by “ol hunters, ” agents who would document aspects of gay culture and pch the aspects to pani lookg to make their products and advertisg “oler” (Kle, 1999), illtrat the high mody value of gayns.

JOEY OM “FRIENDS” WAS GAY & CLOSETED JOKE CUT OM SEASON 4 FALE

Prev rearch has foced on heterosexual women who beiend gay men (Buckley, 2008; Maland, 1991; Moon, 1995; Thompson, 2004), the relatnships between gay bt iends and heterosexual women (Comer & Ldsey, 2007; Shepperd, Coyle, & Hegarty, 2010), and whether media reprentatns of gay men are posive or negative (Hart, 2004; Kooijman, 2005).

As his female iend’s sikick, the suatnal edy’s gay bt iend’s behavr elics lghter om the dience, obscurg the social stctur supportg homophobia by divertg the dience’s attentn om the stctur to his il behavr (Gray, Jon, & Thompson, 2009).

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

Bee the gay bt iend character is not nfed to one genre, and gay bt iend characters om different genr share many attribut— is both possible and necsary for an analysis of the gay bt iend to clu characters om multiple genr. In addn to boastg high viewership, the televisn shows and movi span the time perd over which the gay bt iend rose to promence, which allows the vtigator to observe the chang the nstctn of the gay bt iend inty over time. Furthermore, there are other televisn shows and movi featurg gay characters that are not gay bt iend characters—characters whose iendships wh heterosexual women are not emphasized, e.

For example, Kurt Hummel, the gay bt iend character Glee, wears -season, signer clothg; has a large and lavishly rated bedroom; attends an expensive private school for part of season two; and driv an expensive r, a Lln Navigator, (Murphy, Falch, Brennan, & Stt, 2009) early the seri.

Frequent dietg is associated wh high socenomic stat (Story, French, Rnick, & Blum, 1995), and health foods are typilly more expensive than their regular unterparts, so an obssn wh “healthy” eatg and health food signifi the gay bt iend character’s high socenomic stat.

FRIENDSHIP TROUBLE: AN EXAMATN OF THE GAY BT FRIEND INTY AMERIN CONSUMER CULTURE

By featurg gay bt iend characters who share this batn of quali—affluent life styl, whens, an tert fashn, a slenr body, and a preoccupatn wh “healthy” eatg habs—the texts make high socenomic stat a major qualy of the gay bt iend character; thereby, nstctg the gay bt iend inty as one only available to dividuals wh high socenomic stat.

The femizatn of the gay bt iend’s body tempers the masculy typilly associated wh male bodi and nstcts the gay bt iend inty as one whose body mt signify prcribed levels of masculy and femy.

GAY FRIENDSHIP QUOT

By prentg the gay bt iend inty as one that is alienated om his fay, heterosexual men, and other gay men, the texts nstct the gay bt iend as pletely pennt on his female iends for pannship. Dpe the equaly their relatnships wh their female iends, the gay bt iend characters are very protective of the iendships, exhibg a gree of posssivens or terrorialy when they believe another gay man is encroachg on one of their iendships. For example, Carrie Bradshaw and Stanford Blatch are very good iends, and “All That Glters, ” Carrie begs a iendship wh another gay man, Oliver Spencer, who jt moved to Manhattan om Atralia (Bhnell, Star, Chupack, & McDougall, 2002).

Jack, for example, outs himself to a prison guard while visg Karen’s hband prison (Kohan, Mutchnick, Herschlag, & Burrows, 2001) and equently phras such as “homo don’t do that” (Kohan, Mutchnick, Greenste, & Burrows, 2001) and “let me get this gay” (Kohan, Mutchnick, Kightlger, & Burrows, 2002).

CELIBATE PARTNERSHIP AND/VS DEVOTED FRIENDSHIP: A “GAY AND CATHOLIC” BOOK EXTRA

By nstantly (re)assertg the gay bt iend character’s gayns, the texts ensure the character’s gayns remas the foreont of the dience’s md, which is particularly important bee the texts are nstctg an inty that appears to be pletely predited on gayns. Through their prentatn of the quali—the balance of masculy and femy, the sassy meanor, the nstant proclamatn of his gayns, and his transformative powers—the texts prcribe the appropriate behavrs for the gay bt iend inty.

By rtrictg the amount of masculy and femy the gay bt iend n monstrate, the texts circumscribe the gay bt iend’s actns, prohibg him om participatn activi wh particularly strong genr nnotatns. Given the sirabily of products imbued wh gayns and the modified nature of the gay bt iend, is not surprisg Teen Vogue named the gay bt iend as a “mt have em” July, 2010 (page number).

Although this assumptn may fd support the more tradnal field of gay and lbian studi, queer studi rists the ia of sexual orientatn as a ponent of the sential self and highlights the socially nstcted nature of sexual inty.

BT GAY DATG APPS FOR HOOKUPS, RELATNSHIPS, AND EVERYTHG BETWEEN

By turng queer theory to praxis, televisn shows and movi wh gay bt iend characters uld prent their characters as multifaceted dividuals wh inti that are not pletely termed by their sexual orientatn.

MEN AND WOMEN AS FRIENDS – WHEN ONE IS GAY OR LBIAN

While Cameron and Mchell, the show’s gay characters, do not exhib many quali of the gay bt iend (they are a mted relatnship, have gay male iends, and are not slenr), their lack of a signifint female iend preclus them om beg gay bt iend characters.