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class="ContentHearContaer-cGKRbE knDxNq"><div class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp kjLxCB"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT hsydfY"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fTtYjx bric__lk" href="/culture/opn"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Opn</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd bwDymH isouMH">I Was Sexually Abed as a Boy—Here’s What I Know About Abed and Abive Men</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB eDhhwT ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH uMYIE byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd hHRAkO haUSoQ eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/elias-altman">Elias Altman</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2018-01-11T07:30:00-05:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd eNpMLJ jDQNvc">January 11, 2018</time></div></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP cAlrhp lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc bjtV lead-asset--width-small" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb cZenhb"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz kkPlIE"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb cZenhb rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Image may nta Human Person Silhouette and Wdow" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE bViSGz ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN dWhfyS"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd ftKqkn fNaHcW ptn__cred">Photo: © Eli Reed/Magnum Photos</span></div></div></figure><div data-ttid="ContentHearLeadRailAnchor" class="ContentHearLeadRailAnchor-jYVcDc djtEof"></div></div></div></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kbAoLA article-body__ntent"><div class="ActnBarWrapperContent-lasBkU cAHp"><div class="ActnBarWrapperComponent-cjwxLS bEeSLb"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh SFwwF viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU dPbgNk bookmark large-screen"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-stroke" d="M11.7661 16.3228L4.5 20.1695V3.5H19.5V20.1695L12.2339 16.3228L12 16.199L11.7661 16.3228Z" stroke-lep="square"/></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd fcKlBk gkccfO">Save</span></button></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh fOiOQm viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU gdCxmM bookmark mobile"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-stroke" d="M11.7661 16.3228L4.5 20.1695V3.5H19.5V20.1695L12.2339 16.3228L12 16.199L11.7661 16.3228Z" stroke-lep="square"/></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd fcKlBk gkccfO">Save</span></button></div></div></div><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP bwyLBj"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eOdfIs"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa dUONRr body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>I ed to thk I was special. I ed to thk I me om great Amerin fai, where the relativ up and down my fay tree did wonrful and tertg thgs. My parents loved me. We were middle-class and well-ted. That is the tth. I was sexually abed as a child. I e om fai wh long histori of substance e disorr. I am now a 32-year-old man who has spent 28 years wag to pe the maximum secury lockup of the trmatized self bee of what was done to me by two people whom I tsted, whom my parents tsted, and who betrayed . That is also the tth.</p><p>My olst livg relative is my grandmother, who me om the Midwt and is a Quaker, a peaceful sect of Christians who honor simplicy, reflectn, and silence. Grammy, please know I am only dog what you tght me: I have reflected silently, and now I am standg up to share my tth. What I do here, tellg this story for the first time, I am dog homage to the ials for which members of my fay have given their liv—law, tn, psychology, therapy, wrg, history—and I’m proud of my fay’s acplishments.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>But make no mistake: Love should never be rrelated wh acplishments. A child shouldn’t feel that he or she needs to acplish thgs to be worthy of love. All the wonrful and tertg nversatns and acplishments the world will never fill the void left by abe or neglect, nor will offer absolutn for your trpass.</p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="ch1ute"></div></div><hr/><p>It’s often said that <em>everythg happens for a reason</em>. That’s a lie. Everythg happens for two reasons, but we ually blame one thg, turng a bld eye to the other. Both sis of my fay spoke openly about the alholism to which they had a predisposn—sometim raised voic, g blossoms bloomg—but never did anyone talk about abe, whether physil, sexual, or emotnal. This is classic misdirectn. Alholism and abe are symbtic, e and effect.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>Abe is often tergeneratnal and stutnal, thrivg hierarchil power stctur, such as primate groups—or human fai. Payback is almost always paid forward, down the cha of mand om the alpha to the beta, all the way to the most vulnerable. That’s how go: Be hurt, hurt, <em>hurt</em>. But evolutn n be slow. There always will be a pull to protect our own, whether our schools, at our workplac, or our fay.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="p08w3f"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="vkdvne"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa dUONRr body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>We know the stak of speakg out are high and the upsi is opaque at bt. To name abe feels like a betrayal of the hight orr—not only do shatter the illns to which we all clg pole society, but reopens up to another asslt. But this is wrong. We mt bear md two thgs: Nothg is as bad as the origal trma, which we survived, and the trma we endured now has a real meang the send time around. It mt.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>As my favore wrer Jam Baldw surmised 1962: “Pa is trivial except sofar as you n e to nnect wh other people’s pa; and sofar as you n do that wh your pa, you n be released om , and then hopefully works the other way around too; sofar as I n tell you what is to suffer, perhaps I n help you to suffer ls.” That is a betiful formula—first for healg, send for salvatn, and third for actn.</p><hr/><p>Abe is always a vert operatn, and is always hypnotic. You n be tricked to thkg that you are crazy, that you are the problem, that your memori are false. You n bee mmerized by what is wrong seemg right, even though you know is not. The aber emanat power, beg a kd of vengeful god, holdg sway over even your self-nceptn.</p><p>To the aber, power is the abily to huiate. But abg others will never satisfy the aber until he nonts the huiatn he himself suffered: that is why abe is serial and pulsive. Payback is paid forward. The only other rponse to abe—when not open rebelln—is to vt that abe back to the self, the form of self-hatred, self-meditn, and self-harm, and I know om experience that even the ward-facg rpons hurt those you love, your girliends and iends.</p><p>This is all very new to me. When a young md and body are trmatized, they go to a kd of shock. The events that have occurred are too far outsi the wdow of experience, and so the md tak over, bent on protectn and survival. Memori n be formed, reprsed, and stored away, like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of the <em>Indiana Jon</em> movie. I revered me only recently, and they me back first my body—twch and bis, ach and pas—the meat of myself tryg to make sense of the actns that the md never procsed fully, like a movie where the sound and motn are out of sync.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="idasb"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RecircMostPopularWrapper-bRuGTi jkTTgR recirc-most-popular-wrapper viewport-monor-anchor"><div class="RecircMostPopularConter-jiViNn ktrplG recirc-most-popular-sparrow-trackg hi-asi-ad" data-most-popular-id="mod-most-popular-700"><div class="RecircMostPopularHeadg-iVzhzt irGmYt">Most Popular</div><ul class="RecircMostPopularItems-dCAajf gqcRrp"><li><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff kMpPOV summary-em summary-em--has-borr summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-si-by-si summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw cWJwCN" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Jtice for Steve" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN lapGFj summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Culture</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM jRfyII summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ bfdOCB summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Jtice for Steve</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY kLWdHC summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Nell Beram</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff kMpPOV summary-em summary-em--has-borr summary-em--no-in 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srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Washg Your Hair Once a Week May Not Be a Good Ia&-Even If It Looks Clean" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN lapGFj summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Hair</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM jRfyII summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ bfdOCB summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Washg Your Hair Once a Week May Not Be a Good Ia—Even If It Looks Clean</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY kLWdHC summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Ana Moral</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff kMpPOV summary-em summary-em--has-borr summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-si-by-si summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw cWJwCN" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="At This Châte Weddg the South of France, the Couple Married Unr a Colorful Floral Chuppah" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN lapGFj summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Weddgs</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM jRfyII summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ bfdOCB summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">At This Châte Weddg the South of France, the Couple Married Unr a Colorful Floral Chuppah</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY kLWdHC summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Alexandra Man</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw fkGtfq ad ad--asi"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--asi" data-no-id="rwbc2"></div></div></li></ul><div class="RecircMostPopularFooter-enPjgs laPXdt"></div></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="3tbjm"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa dUONRr body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>The days, I’ve been rebuildg, tryg to synchronize, bee when workg properly the md and body are the same: We are one anism wh five sens. Sometim, I thk I have answers. I don’t. I ed to thk abe happened to other people, not me. I ed to thk other people hurt people, not me. I was sure of . I am pable of great feats of self-ln. In all of this, I am not alone.</p><hr/><p>Men know, but often fet, that when they say no, people hear . Women say no, or a rigned y due to circumstanc, or rema silent to survive (often out of fear of a reprisal), and we proceed wh the grace and goodwill of a two-ton wreckg ball. Throughout human history, men have nscly and unnscly acted out their malice and anger, their own feelgs of ferry, upon women—often, mt be said, aid and abetted by alhol. Payback is paid forward.</p><p>But woke, sober, and righteo men n be the most self-lud of all. “We are not like the bt,” we say. “We hate the bt!” To , the bt are the guys who got the girls junr high bee their voic epened before ours, the guys who secreted hormon while we still had no pubic hair. The bt also huiated <em></em>.</p><p>So, once we get elected to office, or produce an Osr-wng movie, or rise to edor chief, or fill Madison Square Garn wh thoands of people to hear our jok, we feel that we have won, that we are entled to a ltle fun. <em>We are better than the bt. We serve somethg too.</em> We act through willful ignorance, an fensible spensn of morals and a byproduct of a culture, of fai, and of stutns that fail to set the proper boundari, still the proper valu, or mete out proper reprimands when they’re early enough to take, or late enough to matter.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>Preachg is not my job. As a lerary agent, I try to fd people who n change the way we thk about the world, often applyg the lsons of the past to make sense of the prent for a better future. So I feel on firmer ground when I paraphrase om David France’s <em>How to Survive a Plague</em>, a book another agent I know helped to shepherd to beg.</p><p>In the 1980s, an illns lled AIDS scend predomantly upon a group of people this untry who had done no harm to anyone; they loved, that is all. Millns died, while others slept, postured, or turned away. The urageo acts of the men and women who refed to be silenced by the stigma and pa associated wh AIDS and wh beg gay end up forcg the U.S. ernment, the medil muny, and the culture to rpect their needs. They fought for and won their rights. They saved liv.</p><p>The revolutn began by breakg the silence. Silence equals ath. My silence is over. I choose life.</p><p><em>Elias Altman is a lerary agent New York Cy.</em></p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="946t68"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier 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molest gay

Amid the sndal surroundg former Rep. Mark Foley, Fay Rearch Council (FRC) print Tony Perks has promoted the falsehood that gay men are more likely than straight men to sexually abe children.

Contents:

GAY UPLE CHARGED WH MOLTG THEIR ADOPTED SONS ALSO PIMPED THEM OUT TO PEDOPHILE RG, REPORT CLAIMS

Scientific rearch do not provi any evince that gay men or lbians are any more likely than heterosexuals to molt children * molest gay *

"Homosexuals are dangero as teachers or youth lears bee they try to get sexually volved wh children" or that "Homosexuals try to play sexually wh children if they nnot get an adult partner.

10 ANTI-GAY MYTHS DEBUNKED

The children the group studied were unlikely to have been molted by intifiably gay or lbian people. * molest gay *

For the prent discsn, the important pot is that many child molters nnot be meangfully scribed as homosexuals, heterosexuals, or bisexuals ( the ual sense of those terms) bee they are not really pable of a relatnship wh an adult man or woman. In summary, each of the studi failed to support the hypothis that homosexual mal are more likely than heterosexual men to molt children or to be sexually attracted to children or adolcents. Pediatrics noted that bat about gay people as molters "have ltle to do wh everyday child abe" and lamented that they distract lawmakers and the public om alg wh the real problem of children's sexual mistreatment (Kgman, 1994).

Data om studi g a variety of psychologil measur do not dite that gay people are more likely than heterosexuals to posss any psychologil characteristics that would make them ls pable of ntrollg their sexual urg, reag om the abe of power, obeyg l and laws, teractg effectively wh others, or exercisg good judgment handlg thory. As dited by workplace polici around the Uned Stat, a large and growg number of private and public employers do not perceive a problem wh hirg gay and bisexual people as employe or managers. Th, there is no factual basis for anizatns to avoid hirg homosexual or bisexual people, simply on the basis of their sexual orientatn, for posns that volve rponsibily for or supervisn of others, whether children, adolcents, or adults.

On further examatn, however, s central argument – that "the evince dit that homosexual men molt boys at rat grossly disproportnate to the rat at which heterosexual men molt girls" – don't hold up. The abstract summariz the thors' ncln: "Fdgs dite that homosexual mal who preferred mature partners rpond no more to male children than heterosexual mal who preferred mature partners rpond to female children.

GAY UPLE CHARGED WH MOLTG THEIR ADOPTED SONS ALSO PIMPED THEM OUT TO PEDOPHILE RG, REPORT CLAIMS

Amid the sndal surroundg former Rep. Mark Foley, Fay Rearch Council (FRC) print Tony Perks has promoted the falsehood that gay men are more likely than straight men to sexually abe children. * molest gay *

Th, even if one accepts the qutnable assumptn that this study is relevant, don't support the FRC's ntentn that gay men are more likely than heterosexual men to be child molters for several reasons:. The offenrs were not asked their sexual orientatn (gay, straight, bisexual) and the paper do not report any rmatn about the nature of the offenrs' adult sexual relatnships, or even if they had any such relatnships.

" The victims of homosexual pedophil "were more likely to be strangers, that they were more likely to have engaged paraphiliac behavr separate om that volved the offence, and that they were more likely to have past nvictns for sexual offenc.... In the passage excerpted by the FRC, the thors were discsg published papers that ed a classifitn system focg entirely on the sex of victims (not whether the perpetrator is straight or gay). Only one study (Erickson et al., 1988) might be terpreted as supportg the FRC argument, and failed to tail s measurement procr and did not differentiate bisexual om homosexual offenrs.

In a 1985 article published Psychologil Reports, Cameron purported to review published data to answer the qutn, "Do those who m homosexual acts disproportnately rporate children to their sexual practic? It is also noteworthy that, although Cameron assumed that the perpetrators of male-male moltatns were all homosexual, he assumed that not all male-female moltatns were mted by heterosexuals.

10 ANTI-GAY MYTHS DEBUNKED

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (BP)--A social rearcher who has studied sexual behavr for 24 years believ the Boy Suts of Ameri (BSA) has sound reasons for matag s prohibn agast gay sutmasters. * molest gay *

This rat is meangls bee no data were obtaed ncerng the actual sexual orientatn of the teachers volved; as before, Cameron assumed that male-male ntacts were perpetrated by homosexuals.

His fal choice of sourc appears to have slanted his fdgs toward what Cameron scribed as "the relative absence the scientific lerature of heterosexual teacher-pupil sexual events upled wh persistent, albe equent, homosexual teacher-pupil sexual teractns" (p. Charts were reviewed to terme the relatnships of the children to the alleged offenr, the sex of the offenr, and whether or not the alleged offenr was reported to be gay, lbian, or bisexual. A gay uple om Geia charged wh moltg their two adopted sons and g them to rerd child porn also allegedly pimped them out to members of a lol pedophile rg, acrdg to a disturbg new report.

Usg phallometric tt sensivi to lculate the proportn of te pedophil among var groups of sex offenrs agast children, and takg to nsiratn prevly reported mean numbers of victims per offenr group, the rat of heterosexual to homosexual pedophil was lculated to be approximately 11:1. Mark Foley (R-FL) to promote a falsehood about gay men -- that they are more likely than straight men to sexually abe children, based on the claim that homosexuals are overreprented child sex abe s. In fact, a 1995 study released by the Amerin Psychologil Associatn found that “gay men are no more likely than heterosexual men to perpetrate child sexual abe”; the argument that homosexuals are overreprented such s is based on what John Hopks Universy psychiatrist Frerick Berl has scribed as the “flawed assumptn” that men who abe young boys are also attracted to grown men.

Scientific rearch do not provi any evince that gay men or lbians are any more likely than heterosexuals to molt children * molest gay *

On October 2, Perks issued a statement on what he claimed was “the real issue” the Foley sndal -- the purported “lk between homosexualy and child sexual abe”; the statement was uncrilly reported by the San Francis Chronicle an October 3 report on the sndal. Siarly, on the October 3 edn of MSNBC's Hardball, host Chris Matthews failed to challenge the claim by Perks that “there's clear rearch that shows that homosexual men are more likely to abe children than straight men.

Dailey, a senr rearch fellow at the FRC's Center for Marriage and Fay Studi, which asserts that there is a “disturbg nnectn” between homosexualy and pedophilia bee “homosexual pedophil m about one-third of the total number of child sex offens” whereas homosexuals make up only “1 to 3 percent of the populatn.

However, a July 2002 report, USA Today noted numero experts psychotherapy, psychiatry, and child sex abe who argued that figur showg “male pedophil are more likely to molt boys than girls” are not evince that gay men are more likely to abe children than straight men, bee they nflate men who abe boys wh gay men. For example, the article quoted David Fkelhor, director of the Crim Agast Children Rearch Center at the Universy of New Hampshire, as sayg that pedophilia is “kd of* a separate sexual orientatn" om homosexualy, and that pedophil “often*... " The article also reported that Berl, who is scribed the story as an expert on sexual disorrs, believ that pedophil are not “very* attracted to adults of eher genr, " and that a study by psychotherapist Richard Sipe found “no tie between sexual abe and homosexualy.

The children the group studied were unlikely to have been molted by intifiably gay or lbian people. * molest gay *

MATTHEWS: Do you thk this should be the Republin platform for you to ntue your allegiance to the Republin Party, that they stop nomatg gay men or women for a public office? Ever sce born-aga sger and orange juice pchwoman Ana Bryant helped kick off the ntemporary anti-gay movement some 40 years ago, hard-le elements of the relig right have been searchg for ways to monize gay people — or, at a mimum, to fd arguments that will prevent their normalizatn society. But addn to hawkg that myth, the legns of anti-gay activists who followed have add a panoply of others, rangg om the extremely doubtful claim that sexual orientatn is a choice, to unalloyed li like the claims that gay men molt children far more than heterosexuals or that hate crime laws will lead to the legalizatn of btialy and necrophilia.

The fairy tal are important to the anti-gay right bee they form the basis of s claim that homosexualy is a social evil that mt be supprsed — an opn rejected by virtually all relevant medil and scientific thori. Depictg gay men as a threat to children may be the sgle most potent weapon for stokg public fears about homosexualy — and for wng electns and referenda, as Ana Bryant found out durg her succsful 1977 mpaign to overturn a Da County, Fla., ordance barrg discrimatn agast gay people.

* molest gay *

Others have ced a group lled the Amerin College of Pediatricians (ACPeds) to claim, as Tony Perks of the Fay Rearch Council did November 2010, that "the rearch is overwhelmg that homosexualy pos a [moltatn] danger to children. Gregory Herek, a profsor at the Universy of California, Davis, who is one of the natn's leadg rearchers on prejudice agast sexual mori, reviewed a seri of studi and found no evince that gay men molt children at higher rat than heterosexual men.

The fixated child molter — the stereotypil pedophile — nnot be nsired homosexual or heterosexual bee "he often fds adults of eher sex repulsive" and often molts children of both sex.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* MOLEST GAY

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class="ContentHearContaer-cGKRbE knDxNq"><div class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp kjLxCB"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT hsydfY"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fTtYjx bric__lk" href="/culture/opn"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Opn</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd bwDymH isouMH">I Was Sexually Abed as a Boy—Here’s What I Know About Abed and Abive Men</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB eDhhwT ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH uMYIE byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd hHRAkO haUSoQ eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/elias-altman">Elias Altman</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2018-01-11T07:30:00-05:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd eNpMLJ jDQNvc">January 11, 2018</time></div></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP cAlrhp lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc bjtV lead-asset--width-small" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb cZenhb"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz kkPlIE"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb cZenhb rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Image may nta Human Person Silhouette and Wdow" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE bViSGz ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN dWhfyS"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd 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grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa dUONRr body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>I ed to thk I was special. I ed to thk I me om great Amerin fai, where the relativ up and down my fay tree did wonrful and tertg thgs. My parents loved me. We were middle-class and well-ted. That is the tth. I was sexually abed as a child. I e om fai wh long histori of substance e disorr. I am now a 32-year-old man who has spent 28 years wag to pe the maximum secury lockup of the trmatized self bee of what was done to me by two people whom I tsted, whom my parents tsted, and who betrayed . That is also the tth.</p><p>My olst livg relative is my grandmother, who me om the Midwt and is a Quaker, a peaceful sect of Christians who honor simplicy, reflectn, and silence. Grammy, please know I am only dog what you tght me: I have reflected silently, and now I am standg up to share my tth. What I do here, tellg this story for the first time, I am dog homage to the ials for which members of my fay have given their liv—law, tn, psychology, therapy, wrg, history—and I’m proud of my fay’s acplishments.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>But make no mistake: Love should never be rrelated wh acplishments. A child shouldn’t feel that he or she needs to acplish thgs to be worthy of love. All the wonrful and tertg nversatns and acplishments the world will never fill the void left by abe or neglect, nor will offer absolutn for your trpass.</p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="ch1ute"></div></div><hr/><p>It’s often said that <em>everythg happens for a reason</em>. That’s a lie. Everythg happens for two reasons, but we ually blame one thg, turng a bld eye to the other. Both sis of my fay spoke openly about the alholism to which they had a predisposn—sometim raised voic, g blossoms bloomg—but never did anyone talk about abe, whether physil, sexual, or emotnal. This is classic misdirectn. Alholism and abe are symbtic, e and effect.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>Abe is often tergeneratnal and stutnal, thrivg hierarchil power stctur, such as primate groups—or human fai. Payback is almost always paid forward, down the cha of mand om the alpha to the beta, all the way to the most vulnerable. That’s how go: Be hurt, hurt, <em>hurt</em>. But evolutn n be slow. There always will be a pull to protect our own, whether our schools, at our workplac, or our fay.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="p08w3f"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="vkdvne"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa dUONRr body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>We know the stak of speakg out are high and the upsi is opaque at bt. To name abe feels like a betrayal of the hight orr—not only do shatter the illns to which we all clg pole society, but reopens up to another asslt. But this is wrong. We mt bear md two thgs: Nothg is as bad as the origal trma, which we survived, and the trma we endured now has a real meang the send time around. It mt.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>As my favore wrer Jam Baldw surmised 1962: “Pa is trivial except sofar as you n e to nnect wh other people’s pa; and sofar as you n do that wh your pa, you n be released om , and then hopefully works the other way around too; sofar as I n tell you what is to suffer, perhaps I n help you to suffer ls.” That is a betiful formula—first for healg, send for salvatn, and third for actn.</p><hr/><p>Abe is always a vert operatn, and is always hypnotic. You n be tricked to thkg that you are crazy, that you are the problem, that your memori are false. You n bee mmerized by what is wrong seemg right, even though you know is not. The aber emanat power, beg a kd of vengeful god, holdg sway over even your self-nceptn.</p><p>To the aber, power is the abily to huiate. But abg others will never satisfy the aber until he nonts the huiatn he himself suffered: that is why abe is serial and pulsive. Payback is paid forward. The only other rponse to abe—when not open rebelln—is to vt that abe back to the self, the form of self-hatred, self-meditn, and self-harm, and I know om experience that even the ward-facg rpons hurt those you love, your girliends and iends.</p><p>This is all very new to me. When a young md and body are trmatized, they go to a kd of shock. The events that have occurred are too far outsi the wdow of experience, and so the md tak over, bent on protectn and survival. Memori n be formed, reprsed, and stored away, like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of the <em>Indiana Jon</em> movie. I revered me only recently, and they me back first my body—twch and bis, ach and pas—the meat of myself tryg to make sense of the actns that the md never procsed fully, like a movie where the sound and motn are out of sync.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="idasb"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RecircMostPopularWrapper-bRuGTi jkTTgR recirc-most-popular-wrapper viewport-monor-anchor"><div class="RecircMostPopularConter-jiViNn ktrplG 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class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ bfdOCB summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Jtice for Steve</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY kLWdHC summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Nell Beram</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff kMpPOV summary-em summary-em--has-borr summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-si-by-si summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw cWJwCN" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Washg Your Hair Once a Week May Not Be a Good Ia&-Even If It Looks Clean" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN lapGFj summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Hair</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM jRfyII summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ bfdOCB summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Washg Your Hair Once a Week May Not Be a Good Ia—Even If It Looks Clean</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY kLWdHC summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Ana Moral</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff kMpPOV summary-em summary-em--has-borr summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-si-by-si summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw cWJwCN" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="At This Châte Weddg the South of France, the Couple Married Unr a Colorful Floral Chuppah" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX eNRqSb bric SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN lapGFj summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Weddgs</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM jRfyII summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ bfdOCB summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">At This Châte Weddg the South of France, the Couple Married Unr a Colorful Floral Chuppah</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY kLWdHC summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Alexandra Man</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw fkGtfq ad ad--asi"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--asi" data-no-id="rwbc2"></div></div></li></ul><div class="RecircMostPopularFooter-enPjgs laPXdt"></div></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="3tbjm"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa dUONRr body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>The days, I’ve been rebuildg, tryg to synchronize, bee when workg properly the md and body are the same: We are one anism wh five sens. Sometim, I thk I have answers. I don’t. I ed to thk abe happened to other people, not me. I ed to thk other people hurt people, not me. I was sure of . I am pable of great feats of self-ln. In all of this, I am not alone.</p><hr/><p>Men know, but often fet, that when they say no, people hear . Women say no, or a rigned y due to circumstanc, or rema silent to survive (often out of fear of a reprisal), and we proceed wh the grace and goodwill of a two-ton wreckg ball. Throughout human history, men have nscly and unnscly acted out their malice and anger, their own feelgs of ferry, upon women—often, mt be said, aid and abetted by alhol. Payback is paid forward.</p><p>But woke, sober, and righteo men n be the most self-lud of all. “We are not like the bt,” we say. “We hate the bt!” To , the bt are the guys who got the girls junr high bee their voic epened before ours, the guys who secreted hormon while we still had no pubic hair. The bt also huiated <em></em>.</p><p>So, once we get elected to office, or produce an Osr-wng movie, or rise to edor chief, or fill Madison Square Garn wh thoands of people to hear our jok, we feel that we have won, that we are entled to a ltle fun. <em>We are better than the bt. We serve somethg too.</em> We act through willful ignorance, an fensible spensn of morals and a byproduct of a culture, of fai, and of stutns that fail to set the proper boundari, still the proper valu, or mete out proper reprimands when they’re early enough to take, or late enough to matter.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>Preachg is not my job. As a lerary agent, I try to fd people who n change the way we thk about the world, often applyg the lsons of the past to make sense of the prent for a better future. So I feel on firmer ground when I paraphrase om David France’s <em>How to Survive a Plague</em>, a book another agent I know helped to shepherd to beg.</p><p>In the 1980s, an illns lled AIDS scend predomantly upon a group of people this untry who had done no harm to anyone; they loved, that is all. Millns died, while others slept, postured, or turned away. The urageo acts of the men and women who refed to be silenced by the stigma and pa associated wh AIDS and wh beg gay end up forcg the U.S. ernment, the medil muny, and the culture to rpect their needs. They fought for and won their rights. They saved liv.</p><p>The revolutn began by breakg the silence. Silence equals ath. My silence is over. I choose life.</p><p><em>Elias Altman is a lerary agent New York Cy.</em></p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="946t68"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div 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class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX dUsdoD bric bric--wh-bg BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemRubric-bFqsqT iUEiRd cxwGKM cvqxGA"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Opn</span></div><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemHed-cljMtD iUEiRd dMyiUD cRpZRn">Dispatch From an Open Marriage: So, You Want to Attend a Sex Party</div></div></div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl OverlaySummaryItemByl-bogcUE fjwtNK"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Tom Rasmsen</span></span></p></div></div></a></li><li 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cLxcNi">Culture</span></div><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemHed-cljMtD iUEiRd dMyiUD cRpZRn">‘Mom Guilt’ Is a Trap—So Why Do So Many of Us Still Feel It?</div></div></div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl OverlaySummaryItemByl-bogcUE fjwtNK"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH epKWKp byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd kxuydN gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Zara Hanawalt</span></span></p></div></div></a></li></ul></div></asi></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="TaboolaWrapper-hMVdpE iYfBhy"><div class="TaboolaWidgetWrapper-egPIjc hkSrgt TaboolaWidget-eUSdED hQCCRa" 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