The Readg Life: “I Will Follow You” - A Short Story by Roxanne Gay - The lead story her 2017 Collectn Difficult Women

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* ROXANE GAY SHORT STORIES PDF

"The Mark of Ca" by Roxane Gay - Short Fictn by Roxane Gay om Difficult Women</tle><meta name="tle" ntent=""The Mark of Ca" by Roxane Gay - Short Fictn by Roxane Gay om Difficult Women" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="Two hbands: one good, one bad. A powerful short story by Roxane Gay." /><meta name="keywords" ntent="Books" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/elle/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="ELLE" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="364664413547847" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="31911516300" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@ELLEmagaze" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="W6SOBCzCmb2sA5l3z9YK1yO7I7bPYArVQCP09_e2zck" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="The Mark of Ca" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="Two hbands: one good, one bad. A powerful short story by Roxane Gay." /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/elle/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="What to Read 2023" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2021-02-18T17:07:33Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2017-01-10T20:00:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="My hband is not a kd man and wh him, I am not a good person.Sometim I wake up the middle of the night and he, Caleb, is kneelg over me, his fgers tracg my neck. I place my hands over his, the rough sk, the swollen knuckl. 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href="/culture/books/a41980/the-mark-of--roxane-gay/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Mark of Ca" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">The Mark of Ca</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css h82rm5">{font-fay:SaolDisplay,SaolDisplay-fallback,Geia,Tim,serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.37595rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.00002rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:-0.02rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.00002rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><h1 class="css-h82rm5 exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>The Mark of Ca<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 1tsknq3">{font-fay:SaolText,SaolText-fallback,Geia,Tim,serif;font-size:1.25507rem;font-style:alic;font-weight:normal;le-height:2.5rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.2;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#808080;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-1tsknq3 exadjwu8"><p>Two hbands: one good, one bad. A powerful short story by Roxane Gay. </p></div><style data-emotn="css cc9qgg">{marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:NeHaasUni,NeHaasUni-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.6;letter-spacg:0.1em;text-transform:upperse;} span{le-height:1.6;}</style><div class="css-cc9qgg exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 19ap1i7">{font-style:normal;paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:NeHaasUni,NeHaasUni-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.6;letter-spacg:0.1em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><addrs class="css-19ap1i7 ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css wnw13o">{paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:NeHaasUni,NeHaasUni-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.6;letter-spacg:0.1em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><span class="css-wnw13o ehvvd9m1">By Roxane Gay</span><style data-emotn="css yhqb27">{display:le-block;text-transform:upperse;marg-left:0.625rem;paddg-left:0.625rem;}</style><time class="css-yhqb27 exadjwu6">Published: Jan 10, 2017</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 18104wr">{background-lor:#000000;lor:#ffffff;borr:th solid black;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;marg-top:0rem;marg-bottom:0rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:none;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;font-fay:NeHaasUni,NeHaasUni-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;width:to;borr-radi:0;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.1;letter-spacg:0rem;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;cursor:poter;borr:th solid black;} svg>path, svg{fill:#000000;}{marg-left:1rem;}{outle:0.125rem dotted #000000;outle-offset:0.2rem;}</style><button data-tooltip-id="article-hear-save" class="ntentSaveButton css-18104wr e12nq69g1"><style data-emotn="css 7g4d0s">{width:1rem;height:1rem;marg-right:0.625rem;} path{fill:#ffffff;} path{fill:#ffffff;}</style><svg xmlns=" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 48 62" class="css-7g4d0s e10k4xbi2"><path fill="#000" fill-le="evenodd" d="M24 46.52 48 61V0H0v61.44l24-14.92ZM5.67 50.9 24 39.5l18.33 11.4V5.7H5.67v45.2Z" clip-le="evenodd"></path></svg>Save Article</button><style data-emotn="css 1ucileh">{width:160px;text-align:left;font-fay:NeHaasUni,NeHaasUni-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;letter-spacg:0.045rem;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.1;lor:#595959;text-transform:none;}</style></div></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css 149neno">{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;max-width:m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2));} .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2);width:100vw;}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){ .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2) - 3.5rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){ .e152u5os0{paddg-left:0.1rem;paddg-right:0.1rem;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2));}}</style><div class="longform-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-149neno ewisyje2"><style data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body longform-body css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">My hband is not a kd man and wh him, I am not a good person.</p><p data-no-id="1" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Sometim I wake up the middle of the night and he, Caleb, is kneelg over me, his fgers tracg my neck. I place my hands over his, the rough sk, the swollen knuckl. I squeeze.</p><p data-no-id="2" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I wear heavy eyeler and dark lipstick bee my hband once said that he always wants me to look the way I did the night we met a bar, dnk and numb, lookg for trouble before found . He n't stand to see me any other way, he said. He wasn't beg nostalgic.</p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I worry about the day when he leav me, torn apart on our bed, wag for him to put me back together aga.</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">My hband has an intil tw, Jab. Sometim they swch plac for days at a time. They thk I don't know. I am the kd of woman who don't md dulgg the ceptn.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="5" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css 1f495pl">{background-repeat:no-repeat;ntent:'';display:block;height:25px;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;width:34px;} {background-image:url(/_assets/sign-tokens/elle/static/imag/);}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-1f495pl eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 7iymd3">{font-fay:SaolDisplay,SaolDisplay-fallback,Geia,Tim,serif;font-size:1.625rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;marg-bottom:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.25rem;le-height:1.15;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:2.4rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;} i, em{font-style:alic;}</style><blockquote class="css-7iymd3 e1pe3zr90">Sometim they swch plac for days at a time. They thk I don't know.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="6" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">My hbands have a father who was neher a good father nor a kd man. When he died, shot the head by a woman he had beaten one time too many, Jab and Caleb, then fifteen, immediately fave their father his trpass—the drkg, his meaty fists agast their young bodi, the way he rid them of their mother. Wh each passg year, the brothers rewrote their past until they had beatified their father's memory. They each have a tattoo of their father's likens on their back. The k, Caleb told me on our first date, was mixed wh their father's ash so he would always be wh them.</p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It is nearly impossible to tell Caleb and Jab apart. They have the same physique, the same haircut, the same mannerisms. Neher of them snor. They are both left-hand. They have dark hair, blue ey, long, sharp fac, high cheekbon. My hbands work together at the archecture firm they started, so whether is Caleb or Jab who home, they have the same story to tell me about their day. I married Caleb but I prefer Jab's pany. When Jab and I make love, there is a sorrowful kdns to his touch. I never worry about beg left asunr.</p><style data-emotn="css 108o02t">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:50%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:0rem;float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:50%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:0rem;float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:50%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:0rem;float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:45%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:45%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:45%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:left;clear:left;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="8" class="align-left size-medium embed css-108o02t e1xqj1sx4"><style data-emotn="css uwraif">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;}</style><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="<p>Gay, who's earned all manner of cril, <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">New York Tim</em> btseller-list, and Twter acclaim followg her novel <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">An Untamed State</em> and say llectn <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">Bad Femist</em>, is startg 2017 off wh a bang via a new short story llectn. The women s pag range om a wife who pretends not to notice when her hband and his tw&nbsp;brother swch plac, to two sisters abducted as children, and a Black engeer navigatg her whe male–domated field, and promis to be a "wry, betiful, hntg visn of morn Ameri."&nbsp;(<a href="; data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk">Grove Prs</a>, 3 January)<span class="redactor-visible-space" data-verified="redactor" data-redactor-tag="span" data-redactor-class="redactor-visible-space"></span></p>" tle="<i>Difficult Women</i> by Roxane Gay" loadg="lazy" width="1600" height="2414" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><style data-emotn="css 78jldq">{paddg-left:0rem;}</style><div class="css-78jldq e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css 5g1ypq">{width:0;m-width:100%;paddg-top:0.625rem;font-fay:SaolText,SaolText-fallback,Geia,Tim,serif;font-size:1.19063rem;le-height:1.4;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><div class="css-5g1ypq e1xqj1sx1">’difficult women' is out now.</div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Jab has a girliend, Cassie, who is really Caleb's girliend. She is unaware of the distctn. The four of are at dner. Jab, pretendg to be Caleb, and I are holdg hands. Caleb, pretendg to be Jab, and Cassie are holdg hands. There is a light his ey that isn't there when he looks at me. My hbands are fishg each other's sentenc, regalg Cassie and me wh stori about a particularly difficult client. Jab orrs another bottle of we, and we ntue to drk and talk and practice beg normal. His arm is heavy across my shoulrs and every once a while, he leans and bsh his wet lips agast the spot on my neck that mak my back arch sharply. Then he s at his brother and his brother s back. This is when they are at their bt—when they are together, sharg the same moment. There is safety, for them, the number two.</p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Cassie is a graduate stunt mm studi. Caleb told me this bed after she and Jab first started datg. He told me about how Cassie plans to curate morn art exhibs, how she has a unique athetic, how he thks she may be the one for Jab, but what he's really tellg me is that she's the one for him. I lay next to Caleb, let him talk, traced his father's image wh my fgernails. I told him I was happy for Jab but I was really happy for him.</p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When 's time to settle the check, Cassie and I go to the bathroom and we eye each other the mirror as we hen our lipstick. "It mt be hard beg married to a tw," she says. I start to thk that she may be smarter than I thought. I say, "It's like beg married to two men."</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Jab tak me home while Caleb tak Cassie to Jab's hoe, five ho down om ours. In the middle of the night, they will swch plac and I will know bee Caleb will smell like another woman. Cassie won't notice bee she is the kd of woman who don't pay attentn to tails or who choos not to pay attentn to tails. On the drive home, I trace Jab's knuckl and the ty srs on his fgers, all om archecture school, makg miature mols of grand ias wh sharp kniv. I tell him how I wish every night uld be like this night. He nods and says, "Let's go for a drive." I lean back my seat, kick off my heels. Jab tak me to the se of a project he's workg on, and we take the nstctn elevator to the top floor, his arms wrapped tightly around me as the hoist slowly creaks upward. There's no ceilg yet on the top floor, so when we get out of the elevator, is disorientg, seeg the cy sprawlg around and nothg keepg om fallg to .</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="13" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-1f495pl eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-7iymd3 e1pe3zr90">In the middle of the night, they will swch plac and I will know bee Caleb will smell like another woman. </blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="14" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I hold on to Jab to steady myself and then I lgh and pull him to a slow waltz, starg up to the night sky. When we stop, the world keeps spng, so we drop to the ncrete floor and s wh our kne pulled agast our chts. What I want to say is that I know who he is and that I would choose him, I would always forever choose him, but I also know his first love is his brother, so I say nothg. I pull my shirt over my head and sli out of my skirt and I lie back on the ld floor, grty wh dirt and sawdt. I reach for Jab and sigh when he li on top of me. We kiss, softly, and he clos his ey, blowg air along my neck, across my shoulrs. Then I'm tearg off his shirt, pullg him agast me, openg myself to him the way he wants me to. I tell him the only te thg I n. I say, "I love you."</p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When Caleb drks too much, where too much is anythg more than one drk, he fets the new history he and his brother have bbled om their memori of their father. After he and Jab have swched plac, Caleb climbs to bed reekg of we and cigarette smoke. He barks at me to wake up. I pull the sheets over my head bee I am thkg about Jab and the eedom of tall buildgs, and fallg to stars while the hband I love most is movg over and me. Caleb pulls the sheets away, turns on the lights. I s up, shiverg, alone wh the hband I do not love most.</p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He starts tellg me a story about himself and his brother stg the backseat of their father's Cadillac while the old man got a blowjob om a woman who was not their mother, and how their father had that woman give his sons blowjobs as well. As he tells me this story, his voice grows arser. His featur bee ls regnizable. Caleb grabs me by my waist, straddl me, and slaps my face. "Don't ever do somethg like that," he says. "Don't be a fuckg whore." Then he's flippg me onto my stomach, his unkd hand planted agast my skull, holdg me to the bed, treatg me like the whore he don't want me to be. I thk about Caleb's ck, slick wh Jab's seed. I thk about how much I hate and therefore love the hband I'm wh bee I py him and maybe I py myself. I e immorately. Caleb falls asleep lyg on top of me. His body is heavy and damp, his smell unfaiar.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="17" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css a5reqv">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:1.25rem;}</style><asi class="css-a5reqv e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css 1k8jw0n">{display:block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;font-fay:SaolText,SaolText-fallback,Geia,Tim,serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;letter-spacg:0.1rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><h6 class="css-1k8jw0n e6pr2lz3"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Related Stori</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css qgrqmq">{borr-bottom:none;font-fay:SaolText,SaolText-fallback,Geia,Tim,serif;paddg-top:0.625rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.2rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:1.1387rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.25966rem;le-height:1.3;}} i, em{font-style:alic;} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#808080;}</style><li class="css-qgrqmq e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/culture/books/g29296/bt-books-female-thors-2017/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="25 Books by Women We\'ll Be Readg 2017" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="Teal, Publitn, Graphic sign, Book, Paper product, Paper, " tle="Teal, Publitn, Graphic sign, Book, Paper product, Paper, " width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">25 Books by Women We\'ll Be Readg 2017</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-qgrqmq e6pr2lz2"><a href="/culture/books/g29305/movi-based-on-books-2017/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="20 Books to Read Before They Bee Movi" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="Books Beg Ma to Movi 2017" tle="Books Beg Ma to Movi 2017" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">20 Books to Read Before They Bee Movi</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-qgrqmq e6pr2lz2"><a href="/culture/books/a41724/my-year-of-readg-books-by-black-women/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="My Year of Readg Books By Black Women" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="Publitn, Advertisg, Book, Book ver, Fictn, Graphic sign, Self-help book, Novel, " tle="Publitn, Advertisg, Book, Book ver, Fictn, Graphic sign, Self-help book, Novel, " width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">My Year of Readg Books By Black Women</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">In the morng, Caleb and I avoid makg eye ntact. He showers, pretends he's gog to work, go to his brother's hoe, sends Jab back to me. I am at my drsg table, tryg to mask the angry purplg bise spreadg across my face. Jab stands the doorway and s so kdly that I bee nseated. "What are you dog?" he asks. Then he notic the arc of broken blood vsels beneath my eye. His hands clench to tight fists as he approach me. When he plac soft kiss along the edg of the hurt, my face starts to ache more eply than ever did beneath Caleb's fist. "I'm so sorry," Jab says, shoulrg the burn of his brother's ss.</p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When I miss my perd twice a row, is Jab who fds me the bathroom, stg on the edge of the bathtub, wrapped a bath towel, holdg the pregnancy tt one hand. He falls to his kne, folds his hands over my thighs. He s, pulls my towel open, leavg me naked, and rts his face agast my breasts. I n my fgers through his hair, gently massagg his slp. I image the two of packg a small suse, buyg a cheap r, drivg wt on I-80 until we reach somethg better. I say, "Do you thk your brother will be happy?" He says, "I don't give a damn what my brother thks." For a while, I allow myself to believe him.</p><p data-no-id="20" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I am six months pregnant when Caleb go to a doctor's appotment wh me. He is moody, almost different, there only bee Jab had a meetg he had to attend. The days, I mostly see Caleb late at night, when he steals back to his own home, when he is angry and needs somethg only I n give. He ss the chair wh the hard plastic arms next to the exam table, arms crossed tightly across his cht. As the doctor glis the sonogram wand across the lower round of my belly, she turns a knob on the mache. "Do you hear that?" she asks. The room is silent but for the intil flutters of two heartbeats.</p><p data-no-id="21" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">"The Mark of Ca" is om <style data-emotn="css 1mt1pvh">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#808080;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href=" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="DIFFICULT WOMEN" data-vars-ga-product-id="bcd65524-a028-439d-8f57-9a566ce71197" data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | (not set)" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"91c93b81-faf3-4605-9c92-bf0c3d25e239","se_id":"530bacd4-96b2-4cfe-a9a6-1fbd7c749e22","metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","metadata":{}}}" data-vars-ga-product-brand="Grove Prs" data-vars-ga-product-price="$17.02" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="0ab24423-1980-4cee-987c-9a0085cb8dd0" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-brand="Grove Prs" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-tegory="Short Stori" class="body-lk product-lks css-1mt1pvh ebsw2pb0">DIFFICULT WOMEN</a> © 2017 by Roxane Gay; reprted wh the permissn of the publisher, Grove Prs, an imprt of Grove Atlantic, Inc. </strong></em></p><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div></div></div><div></div><div data-teractive="WatchNext-1" class="css-0 e10xr3vp6"><style data-emotn="css 1pqv15d">{marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}</style><div data-embed="watch-next" class="css-1pqv15d e10xr3vp5"><style data-emotn="css 14vh9p">{text-align:center;marg:0 to;max-width:60rem;}</style><div class="css-14vh9p e10xr3vp4"><style data-emotn="css 1sowyjy">{marg-bottom:1.25rem;}</style><div class="css-1sowyjy e10xr3vp3"><style data-emotn="css 1go0mh5">{borr-bottom:th solid black;font-fay:NeHaasUni,NeHaasUni-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;text-transform:upperse;width:-webk-f-ntent;width:-moz-f-ntent;width:f-ntent;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.15em;marg:0 to 1.25rem;paddg-bottom:0.1875rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.1em;marg:0 to 1.25rem;paddg-bottom:0.125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg:0 to 2rem;paddg-bottom:0.25rem;}}</style><h6 class="css-1go0mh5 e10xr3vp2"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><span class="css-0 e10xr3vp1">Watch Next</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css 1pbmn1o">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:SaolDisplay,SaolDisplay-fallback,Geia,Tim,serif;font-weight:normal;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;marg:0rem;m-height:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.37595rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.00002rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:-0.02rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.00002rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><h6 class="css-1pbmn1o e10xr3vp0"> </h6></div><style data-emotn="css 1ui7hop">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;--aspect-rat:56.25%;}</style><div class="__rp-ntaer css-1ui7hop e6l0f0"><style data-emotn="css 1yu8e3d">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;width:100%;height:100%;} .__rp-ntaer{height:to;}</style><div data-embed="embed-vio" class="vio-player css-1yu8e3d e1ou1fny0"><style data-emotn="css 1uds6oo">{height:100%;width:100%;posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css 1iiivv4">{background-lor:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4);borr:.1875rem solid whe;borr-radi:50%;lor:#fff;cursor:poter;height:3.75rem;left:50%;posn:absolute;top:50%;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-webk-transn:all 0.4s;transn:all 0.4s;width:3.75rem;z-x:1;}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {background-lor:rgba(33, 150, 245, 0.8);lor:#ffffff;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{height:5.625rem;width:5.625rem;borr:.28125rem solid whe;}}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-1iiivv4 e1f7ylgd1"><style data-emotn="css 1lhf7lq">{fill:#ffffff;height:1.4rem;vertil-align:middle;width:1.45rem;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:2.3125rem;height:3rem;}}</style><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" role="img" tle="Play" class="css-1lhf7lq e1f7ylgd2"><tle>play in .