Roxane Gay | The Guardian

Contents:

• 'I DIDN’T THK MARRIAGE WAS IN THE CARDS FOR ME': AUTHOR ROXANE GAY CELEBRAT FIRST ANNIVERSARY AFTER ELOPG DURG PANMIC
• ROXANE GAY
• ROXANE GAY ON HOW TO WRE ABOUT TRMAIN A NDID TERVIEW, THE NOVELIST, SAYIST, AND PROFSOR TALKS TO MONI LEWSKY ABOUT FDG A WAY TO WRE ABOUT TERRIBLE THGS, DOG DOUBLE DUTY ON THERAPY, AND HANDLG ALL FORMS OF CRICISM.BY MONI LEWSKYFEBARY 18, 2021BY REGALD CUNNGHAM.SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVE“WE ARE WALKG WOUNDS, BUT I AM NOT SURE ANY OF KNOW QUE HOW TO TALK ABOUT ,” WR ROXANE GAY HER NEW SAY, “WRG INTO THE WOUND,” PUBLISHED ON SCRIBD. THE PIECE, SPIRED BY AN UNRGRADUATE WORKSHOP GAY TGHT AT YALE ON WRG TRMA, SCRIB GAY’S EXPERIENCE ATTEMPTG TO WRE ABOUT BEG GANG-RAPED AT AGE 12, FIRST FICTNAL STORI WRTEN AS A TEENAGER, “MELODRAMATIC AND OVERWROUGHT AND DARK AND GRAPHIC,” AND THEN, AS AN ADULT, WORK LIKE HER SAY LLECTN BAD FEMIST. “I WROTE AROUND ,” SHE WR OF THAT BOOK’S SCRIPTN OF THE ASSLT. “IN PART, I WAS PROTECTG MYSELF. I ULD ADM THIS THG HAD HAPPENED TO ME, BUT I WAS NOT READY TO SHARE THE TAILS.” FALLY, HUNGER: A MEMOIR OF (MY) BODY, GAY WROTE “DIRECTLY AND OPENLY ABOUT MY SEXUAL ASSLT, HOW CHANGED ME, HOW THAT ASSLT HAS HNTED ME FOR MORE THAN THIRTY YEARS.”IN HER NEW SAY, SHE SCRIB THE BOOK’S RECEPTN—OVERWHELMGLY POSIVE RPONS OM REARS, WHILE TERVIEWS WH SOME MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA RANGED OM MISRMED TO LLO—AND HOW THE EXPERIENCE OF WRG THE BOOK LED TO FURTHER QUTNS OF HOW TO PICT TRMA WRG. THE PIECE IS WELL HEWN BUT EXPANSIVE, EXPLORG THE WAYS WHICH WE REVEAL OURSELV THROUGH WRG—BY CHOICE, AS THE TAILG OF AN ASSLT, OR MORE OBLIQUELY, AS HOW A JOURNALIST SCRIB A PIECE OF WRG ABOUT AN ASSLT, AND THE WRER WHO EXPERIENCED .ROXANE AND I HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A FEW YEARS AND, OF URSE, MY AWARENS OF AND ADMIRATN FOR HER WRG PREDATED THAT. I’M SURE FEW WOULD WONR WHY I WAS TERTED TALKG TO HER ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR SAY—WHICH WE DID VIA A ZOOM LL OM OUR RPECTIVE LOS ANGEL HOM—ABOUT THE NUANCE AND TRICY VOLVED WRG ABOUT ONE’S TRMA FOR PUBLIC NSUMPTN.MONI LEWSKY: DID TEACHG THE URSE ON TRMA WRG CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW WE WRE ABOUT TRMA?ROXANE GAY: I DON’T KNOW THAT CHANGED MY THOUGHTS, BUT CERTALY EXPAND THEM AND HELPED ME VELOP A STRONGER UNRSTANDG. I THOUGHT OF THE CLASS AFTER ASKG MYSELF, HOW DO WE WRE ABOUT TRMA? AND HOW DO WE WRE ABOUT WELL? I HAD EDED AN ANTHOLOGY LLED NOT THAT BAD, A PILATN OF WOMEN WRG ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENC WH RAPE CULTURE. MOST OF THE SUBMISSNS WERE JT STRAIGHT TTIMONY. THEY WEREN’T SAYS. AND I WAS THE UNFORTUNATE POSN OF HAVG TO REJECT THE TLY PAFUL STORI THAT CLEARLY TOOK QUE A LOT FOR THE WRERS TO SUBM. IT GOT ME THKG, HOW DO WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TAKE A TRMA—WHETHER ’S THEIRS OR SOMEONE ELSE’S; A CULTURAL TRMA, LLECTIVE TRMA, SO ON—AND WRE ABOUT WAYS THAT N BE MORE THAN JT THARSIS? OVER THE URSE OF THE SEMTER MY STUNTS WERE REALLY ASTONISHG THE DIFFERENT WAYS THAT THEY APPROACHED THE TOPIC AND TRIED TO ANSWER THE QUTN I POSED TO THEM AT THE BEGNG OF THE SEMTER WHICH IS, “HOW DO WE WRE TRMA, AND HOW DO WE DO WELL?” IT REALLY HELPED ME TO FURTHER REFE MY THKG.DO “WRG TRMA WELL” FALL UNR THE TEGORY OF WHAT WE WOULD NORMALLY SAY IS “GOOD” WRG? OR DO WRG TRMA WELL MEAN THAT ’S EFFECTIVE A DIFFERENT WAY?THAT’S A GOOD QUTN, AND I THK A LOT OF THE TIME WHAT WE MEAN BY WRG WELL IS VERY SUBJECTIVE AND THERE N BE A LOT OF DIFFERENT CRERIA. FOR SOME PEOPLE, WRG ABOUT TRMA WELL MEANS THAT HELPS THEM WORK THROUGH SOMETHG. BUT IS THAT GOG TO BE WRG TRMA WELL FOR AN DIENCE? AND WHICH DIENCE? YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO THK THROUGH THE QUTNS AS YOU’RE WRG TRMA AND CI, WHAT IS YOUR END GOAL? AND WHAT ARE YOU GOG TO NSIR A SUCCS?I’VE WRTEN ABOUT MY TRMA AND WHAT ENDS UP FEELG MEANGFUL TO ME IS WHEN SOMEONE NNECTS WH A WAY THAT HELPS THEM. YOU HAD AN OUTPOURG OF THAT AFTER HUNGER. DID THAT MIGATE SOME OF THE EXPERIENC YOU WERE HAVG WH THE PRS? WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?IT WAS SURPRISG, BEE I DID NOT EXPECT THE BOOK TO RONATE WH AS MANY PEOPLE AS DID, AND WH AS MANY PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT FAT. I JT THOUGHT, GREAT, I’M GOG TO REACH MY FAT BRETHREN, YAY. BUT LIVG A BODY IS HARD, NO MATTER WHAT THAT BODY LOOKS LIKE, AND NO MATTER WHAT THAT BODY’S ABILY IS. AND SO PEOPLE REALLY HAD A LOT TO SAY, AND I REALLY FELT I HAD DONE WELL, BEE SO MANY PEOPLE ME TO ME. BUT ALSO BEE CREATED A SMALL MEASURE OF CHANGE. NOW, ’S BEG TGHT MANY MEDIL SCHOOLS AND IS HELPG DOCTORS RETHK HOW THEY TERACT WH THEIR FAT PATIENTS AND HOW THEY TREAT THEIR FAT PATIENTS AND HOW THEY UNRSTAND THEIR FAT PATIENTS. AND THAT, FOR ME, WAS WHEN I KNEW I HAD DONE OKAY. BEE, THAT’S SUCH A REAL PROBLEM, FAT PHOBIA THE MEDIL PROFSN. AND SO MANY FAT PEOPLE GO UNDIAGNOSED WH ISSU THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SEEK TREATMENT FOR. BEG FAT IS NOT A CRIME. AND SO, IF THE MEDIL TABLISHMENT N CRIMALIZE FATNS A LTLE B, I WILL HAVE NSIRED MY LIFE A LIFE WELL LIVED.MY BT IEND OM LLEGE IS A PEDIATRICIAN, AND SHE READ HUNGER AND TOLD ME THAT PLETELY CHANGED HOW SHE TALKED TO ALL OF HER ADOLCENT PATIENTS AROUND THIS ISSUE.MY NFSN IS THAT HUNGER WAS TOO HARD FOR ME TO READ. I’VE STGGLED WH WEIGHT MY WHOLE LIFE AND WAS ALSO FAT-SHAMED PUBLICLY. IT OPENED UP THOSE TRIGGERS. BUT I DO WONR, DO YOU LIKE OR DISLIKE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT WAS BRAVE TO WRE SOMETHG LIKE THIS?MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZI HAVE TRIED TO E TO A PLACE OF PEACE ABOUT , BEE I DON’T FEEL BRAVE. AND SO FEELS LIKE PEOPLE ARE GIVG ME A REGNN I DON’T SERVE WHEN THEY SAY THAT. I DON’T THK ’S PARTICULARLY BRAVE TO WRE ABOUT YOUR REALY AND TO WRE ABOUT THE WAYS YOU’VE SUFFERED OR THE WAYS THAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED JOY. BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, I DO REGNIZE, GIVEN HOW TERRIFYG I FOUND TO WRE THE BOOK, THAT TOOK SOMETHG TO FALLY H SEND AND GIVE TO MY EDOR—AND I LAYED THAT FOR A YEAR, BEE I WAS SO OVERWHELMED BY THE PROSPECT OF EVEN STARTG THE BOOK. SO YEAH, THE END DID REQUIRE SOME BRAVERY. I TRY TO JT BE AS GRAC AS POSSIBLE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT BEE I DO REGNIZE ’S A PLIMENT AND THAT PEOPLE DON’T NEED TO KNOW ALL OF MY TERR ANGST. BUT I ALSO SOMETIM FD MYSELF QUALIFYG LIKE, “OH, I’M NOT BRAVE.”LIKE JT NOW?EXACTLY. EXACTLY LIKE THAT.YOU WROTE THE SAY, “HOW DO WE WRE ABOUT THE TRMATIC EXPERIENC OF OTHERS WHOUT TRANSGRSG THEIR BOUNDARI OR PRIVACY?"THAT’S A QUTN I THK THAT WE ARE ALWAYS GOG TO HAVE TO GRAPPLE WH, BUT I ALWAYS THK WE HAVE TO ERR ON THE SI OF RPECTG OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR LIV AND NOT PUTTG WORDS OR EXPERIENC TO THEIR MOUTHS THAT THEY HAVE NOT SHARED. I DON’T EVER WANT TO SUPPOSE THAT I KNOW ANYTHG ABOUT SOMEONE WHO’S EXPERIENCED TRMA, IF I HAVEN’T ASKED THEM ABOUT DIRECTLY. WE SEE ALL KDS OF SPECULATN. YOU’RE VERY FAIAR WH THIS. THE MEDIA WILL VENT STORI, WHOLE CLOTH.ACRDG TO THE TABLOIDS, I HAD AN ALIEN CHILD ONCE, YOU KNOW?OH, I DID NOT REALIZE. HOW ARE THEY DOG?WONRFUL. I’M GETTG THE TAX CRED.LUCKY! YEAH. IT’S WILD TO SEE WHAT WRERS N DO. I THK THAT AS LONG AS WE REGNIZE THAT WE HAVE TO RPECT OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR LIV, EVEN IF WE’RE WRG ABOUT THEM, WE ARE GOG TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE WE’RE DOG A REASONABLY GOOD JOB OF WRG ABOUT THE TRMA OF OTHERS. I NEVER WANT TO -OPT SOMEONE’S EXPERIENCE, AND SO WHEN I WRE ABOUT THE TRMA OF OTHERS, I JT TRY TO BE REFUL. I TRY TO E MON SENSE. I THK, WOULD I WANT SOMETHG LIKE THIS WRTEN ABOUT ME? BEE HAVG HAD PEOPLE WRE ABOUT ME AND DO SO WAYS THAT ARE ACCURATE, OR JT WRONG, OR OFFENSIVE—I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. I WOULD NEVER WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FEEL THAT WAY, AND SO I TRY TO BE REFUL. AND I THK IF EVERYONE WAS A LTLE MORE REFUL AND A LTLE MORE THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THE CHOIC THAT THEY MAKE, WE ULD SPARE PEOPLE FURTHER TRMA.DO YOU FEEL FORTABLE TALKG PUBLICLY ABOUT THE HEALG MODALI THAT YOU’VE ED OR ARE G?OH YEAH, I’M VERY FORTABLE. I TOOK A LONG TIME TO WRE ABOUT MY SEXUAL ASSLT BEE I WASN’T READY, BEE I DIDN’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW SOMETHG SO TIMATE AND SOMETHG SO PAFUL. AND THEN I STARTED TO THK, IT’S BEEN SO LONG. LET GO. AND SO, ONE OF THE THGS THAT GOT ME TO A PLACE WHERE I WAS ABLE TO WRE ABOUT AND OPEN MYSELF UP TO EVERYTHG EVABLY THAT WOULD RISE OUT OF WRG ABOUT WAS A THERAPY. AND A LOT OF READG AND SUPPORT GROUPS ONLE, AND THGS LIKE THAT. AND SO, I’M ACTUALLY WAY MORE FORTABLE TALKG ABOUT THE HEALG MODALI THAT I AM G THAN I AM TALKG ABOUT THE TRMA SELF. AND I’M FE TALKG ABOUT THE TRMA SELF. IT’S NOT THAT TERTG. IT HAPPENED, ’S OVER, AND Y, I’M STILL ALG WH THE REPERCSNS OF , BUT ’S NOT THAT TERTG.MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZWHAT IS TERTG IS, FOR ME, IS JT HOW LONG TRMA N LGER AND HOW SOMETIM WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT YOU HAVE THE REMRS. AND THAT HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MORE STUNNG THGS ABOUT LIVG THROUGH TRMA. TRMA POUNDS. IT JT SURPRIS ME WHERE I FEEL LIKE I’M DOG SOMETHG NORMAL, EVERYTHG IS OL, AND THEN SOMETHG HAPPENS AND ALL OF A SUDN NOTHG IS OKAY, EVERYTHG IS TERRIBLE AND I AM FALLG APART. AND THEN I HAVE TO PULL MYSELF BACK TOGETHER ALL OVER AGA.WE DON’T TALK A LOT ABOUT THE MSS OF REVERY, BEE PEOPLE LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT IS A NTAED AND DISCRETE EXPERIENCE. IT HAPPENS, ’S OVER, YOU HEAL, YOU MOVE ON. YOU HEAL, BUT SOMETIM THE WOUND REOPENS, AND HEALS AGA AND THEN REOPENS AND SR TISSUE VELOPS, AND SO ON. I TRY TO ALSO ACMODATE THAT MY WRG SO THAT PEOPLE ARE CLEAR THAT I’M NOT OFFERG YOU SOME SORT OF MAGIL SOLUTN. THIS IS NOT THERAPY. THIS IS JT A MEMOIR. IT IS AN ACUNTG OF A LIFE…. SO MANY PEOPLE WH TRMA FEEL LIKE THEY’RE FAILG BEE THEY HAVE A BAD DAY OR A BAD WEEK OR A BAD YEAR. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU WAKE UP, YOU’RE NOT FAILG. IF YOU BSH YOUR TEETH, YOU’RE NOT FAILG. AND I THK IF WE JT HAVE SLIGHTLY MORE REALISTIC GOALS FOR OURSELV THAN PERFECTN, WE’LL BE OKAY.DURG THE PANMIC, AFTER THGS JT PLETELY WENT AWAY FOR ABOUT TWO MONTHS, THREE MONTHS, PEOPLE FIGURED OUT THAT VIRTUAL EVENTS ARE VIABLE AND WORK STARTED POURG AGA. AND OF URSE, I WAS WRG ABOUT THE ELECTN, AND I HAD GOTTEN MARRIED, AND MY MOM HAS LUNG NCER. I HAVE A LOT GOG ON. I HAVEN’T HAD A CHANCE TO WORRY ABOUT MY OWN SH BEE THERE’S FIVE OTHER THGS THAT ARE HORRIBLE THAT I’M ALG WH AT THE SAME TIME. BUT ONE OF THE THGS THAT THE ISOLATN DID DO, THOUGH, WAS FORCE ME TO REGNIZE THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE TIME TO WORK ON SOME THGS THAT I HAVE NOT WORKED ON PERSONALLY. I’VE KICKED UP THERAPY TO TWICE A WEEK NOW, AND THAT HAS BEEN VERY EFUL. I WAS VERY RISTANT, BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT ’S VERY EFUL TO GO TWICE A WEEK.OR A DOUBLE SSN.IT TAK ME A WHILE TO WARM UP AND I FD THAT AROUND MUTE 41 IS WHEN I REALLY WHEN I’M LIKE, “AND SO THEN HE STABBED ME.” AND THEN SHE’S LIKE, “WELL, WE GOT TO GO!” AND SO I HAVE FOUND THAT BEE EVEN THOUGH I’M STILL BY, I’M NOT TRAVELG, WHICH SAV SO MUCH TIME AND SO MUCH ENERGY THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DIRECT THAT ENERGY TO PRODUCTIVE THGS. AND ADDN TO THE CREASED ANXIETY OF IS HUMANY G TO AN END, SO ’S BEEN CHALLENGG. WHAT ABOUT FOR YOU, MONI?MY EXPERIENCE THE BEGNG OF THE PANMIC WAS THAT OLD TRMA MA REALLY CHALLENGG. IN THE FIRST SEVERAL MONTHS OF 1998, I ULDN’T GO OUTSI. SO, BEE OF THAT, UNLS I’M SICK, ’S RARE FOR ME TO NOT LEAVE MY HOE AT LEAST ONCE A DAY. Y, WE ULD GO FOR WALKS…BUT. THERE WAS A REAL CLSTROPHOBIC FEELG ABOUT QUARANTE FOR ME—THAT “HAVE TO STAY SI” MANDATE. AND THEN, TERMS OF POUND TRMA, I HAD JT STARTED DATG SOMEBODY AND LDA TRIPP DIED UNEXPECTEDLY. A LOT OF OLD TRMA KICKED UP.MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZIT SURPRIS ME, ALL THE CREVIC THE PSYCHE WHERE TRMA N LURK. MY THERAPIST IS A TRMA PSYCHIATRIST AND SHE TALKS ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE JT SAYG, THAT THERE’S SUCH A LONG ECHO OF TRMA. I’VE HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF SOMETIM TRYG TO PREPARE FOR SOMETHG THAT I THK WILL BE TRMATIC, AND THEN ’S LIKE, SURPRISE! TRMA HAS S OWN WAY OF WANTG TO AL WH SOMETHG.AND S OWN AGENDA. I FD THAT WHENEVER I THK I’M PLANNG FOR HOW I’M GOG TO FEEL ABOUT SOMETHG, LIFE SURPRIS ME. THE MOST SURPRISG THG ABOUT HUNGER WAS NOT THE REAR RECEPTN, WAS THE WAY THE PRS ALT WH . I HAD ANTICIPATED AND MY BT IEND AND I HAD ACTUALLY SPENT SOME TIME TRYG TO IMAGE WHAT WERE THE WORST THGS THAT REPORTERS WERE GOG TO ASK ME? WHAT WERE THE WORST HEADL? WE END UP BEG RIGHT, AND THEN WAS WAY WORSE. IF I HAD KNOWN I WOULD’VE NEVER, EVER PUBLISHED THE BOOK. SO I’M GLAD A WAY THAT I DID NOT KNOW…. CULTURALLY, ’S REALLY HARD FOR PEOPLE TO LET GO OF THE SGULAR NARRATIV. AGA, THIS IS NOTHG YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW. IT JT SURPRISED ME, I MT SAY. IT SURPRISED ME.BUT YOU DON’T REGRET PUBLISHG HUNGER, DO YOU?I DON’T REGRET . THE BOOK HAS DONE MORE GOOD THAN NOT.THERE’S A LOT OF TALK THE ANTI-BULLYG WORLD AROUND HOW MEDIA IS NOT VERY WELL TRAED AT TALKG ABOUT SUICI, AND THE IMPORTANCE OF THE LANGUAGE WE E. DO YOU THK THAT THAT WAS A SIAR SE WH THE PEOPLE THE PRS—THAT THEY DIDN’T KNOW BETTER? OR THEY WERE GOG FOR CLICKBA, OR WAS THEIR UNNSC BIAS?I THK WAS ALL OF THE ABOVE. AND NOT EVERY TERVIEWER HAD ALL OF THE SAME MOTIVATNS. LIKE MIA FREEDMAN [FOUNR OF MAMAMIA, AN ATRALIAN WOMEN’S WEBSE, WHO HOSTED GAY ON HER PODST; “FREEDMAN WROTE A SCRIPTN OF THE SHOW THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST HUIATG THGS I HAVE EVER SEEN PRT ABOUT MYSELF,” GAY WR THE SAY. “I WAS STUNNED. BLDSID.”], SHE WAS JT ABOUT CLICKBA. SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOG, AND SHE CLEARLY HAS ISSU AROUND FATNS AS WELL.I WROTE THE BOOK, AND THE KDS OF THGS THAT THE MEDIA WERE OBSSG ABOUT, I PUT THE BOOK. I KNEW THAT WAS GOG TO HAPPEN, BUT I JT DID NOT REALIZE THE ENTHIASM WH WHICH WAS GOG TO HAPPEN. PEOPLE WERE VERY EXCED TO WRE ABOUT MY HIGHT WEIGHT OVER AND OVER. FOR THE FIRST FEW WEEKS, THERE WAS NOT A PIECE OF PRS THAT DID NOT MENTN . AND I JT THOUGHT, WELL, OF URSE THEY WERE GOG TO DO THAT. AND YOU JT HAVE TO HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH. THERE’S NOTHG I ULD DO ABOUT .BUT WAS ALSO DISAPPOTG. WHEN SOMEONE LIKE TERRY GROSS, WHO I HELD PRR TO THIS REALLY, HIGH TEEM, BEE MY IENDS AND FAY REALLY HELD HER THE HIGHT TEEM—FOR SO MANY WRERS, THAT’S THE HOLY GRAIL. AND I’VE HEARD GOOD TERVIEWS WH HER, SO I WAS ACTUALLY EXCED TO HAVE A SUBSTANTIVE NVERSATN. AND THEN WHEN DIDN’T HAPPEN—OH, WAS HUGELY DISAPPOTG. [“SHE FIXATED ON MY HIGHT WEIGHT,” GAY WR OF HER EXPERIENCE THE SAY. “SHE WAS EPLY CUR ABOUT MY EATG HABS, ABOUT HOW I ULD SPEND SO MANY YEARS BEG SO FAT.”]MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZTHAT WAS MY EXPERIENCE TOO. I LEFT. I LEFT THE MIDDLE OF THE TERVIEW.I DID NOT HAVE THE CHUTZPAH TO DO SOMETHG LIKE THAT. BUT I WANTED TO. I WANTED TO JT LEAVE BEE I WAS SO HURT AND THEN MAD AT MYSELF FOR BEG HURT. AND THEN MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOT BEG PREPARED, TO NOT EXPECT THAT THIS WAS GOG TO HAPPEN WH SOMEONE LIKE HER. BEE I JT THOUGHT SHE WAS BETTER THAN THAT. AND SHE WASN’T.I HAD DIFFERENT TRMAS, YOUNGER YEARS, ADOLCENCE, AND THEN OBVLY THE ON EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT. I THK THERE WAS A TENNCY AS A YOUNGER PERSON TO TURN THE BLAME BACK ON MYSELF. DO YOU THK THAT’S PART OF THE TRMA OF WHAT YOU EXPERIENCED WH TERRY?I THK WAS A LOT OF THAT. WHY WAS I NOT PREPARED? WHY DID I EXPECT ANY BETTER OM PEOPLE? AND WHY DID I WRE THE BOOK? I TOOK ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF. WHY ULD I NOT GET MY WEIGHT UNR NTROL, SO THAT I DIDN’T HAVE TO WRE THE BOOK? I ULD GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO: WHY WAS I BORN? IT N BE A REALLY SLIPPERY SLOPE OF SELF-BLAME AND SELF-LOATHG. I TRIED TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF AND REMD MYSELF, LIKE, THIS IS RADIL, BUT MAYBE I’M NOT THE PROBLEM.SOMEBODY TOLD ME THIS QUOTE A UPLE YEARS AGO AND ME TO MD AS I WAS READG YOUR SAY. IT’S OM THE FRENCH WRER ANDRé MALRX. “YOU DID NOT E BACK OM HELL WH EMPTY HANDS.”YOU KNOW, I’VE NEVER HEARD THAT SAYG BEFORE, BUT ’S AN TERTG THG AND ’S TE. YOU’RE NEVER GOG TO EMERGE OM A TRMA UNSTHED, AND AS MUCH AS WE’D LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT HEALG IS A SORT OF A NEAT AND PLETE THG, THERE’S ALWAYS GOG TO BE BAGGAGE AND SRS. AND SOMETIM LERALLY CHANG WHO YOU ARE, WHICH N BE CHALLENGG.WHEN I TGHT THE CLASS, HAVG TGHT UNRGRADUAT BEFORE, I KNEW I WAS GOG TO HEAR ABOUT DIFFICULT EXPERIENC THAT THE STUNTS HAD ENDURED. AND SO I WAS PREPARED FOR THAT, BUT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR HOW POWERFULLY THEY WERE ABLE TO WRE ABOUT THOSE EXPERIENC. AND I JT KEPT LOOKG, EACH WEEK, OUT AT THIS AMAZG GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE AND THKG, THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE THE STORI TO TELL…. IT WAS REALLY STRIKG TO ME TO REGNIZE THAT TRMA REALLY IS ONE OF THE GREAT EQUALIZERS. WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT ENOUGH WHEN WE TALK ABOUT WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND WE HAVE MON GROUND BEE OF LOVE, WE ALL HAVE FAI, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BUT ALSO, MOST OF HAVE ENDURED TRMA.I THK ’S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO REGNIZE THAT YOU SHOULDN’T BE RANKG OPPRSNS AND YOU SHOULDN’T BE RANKG TRMAS, BEE ’S NOT FAIR. I WASN’T A WAR-TORN REGN DURG A WAR, BUT THAT DON’T MEAN THAT MY TRMA DIDN’T HAVE A PROFOUND IMPACT ON ME. WOMEN TEND TO MIMIZE THEIR EXPERIENC AND THEIR TRMAS BEE WOMEN AL WH SO MANY TERRIBLE THGS. WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUNG WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN SEX TRAFFICKED, YOUNG WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED, PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN GANG-RAPED BY SOLDIERS—I MEAN, THE LEVEL OF HORROR THAT THOSE POOR WOMEN CLEVELAND WHO WERE KEPT A HOE FOR SEVEN YEARS. I HAVE ENOUGH PERSPECTIVE TO REGNIZE WHAT I WENT THROUGH SUCKED, BUT WASN’T LIKE THAT.MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZONE OF THE THGS THAT I DID REALIZE DURG CLASS, AND THAT I ALSO TRIED TO IMPART TO MY STUNTS, IS THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER MIMIZE YOUR TRMA. BUT I ALSO THK PERSPECTIVE IS CREDIBLY IMPORTANT, AND REGNIZG THAT THERE’S NOTHG PRODUCTIVE SAYG, “THAT WAS SO MUCH WORSE,” BUT THERE IS SOMETHG IMPORTANT REGNIZG THAT TRMA N BE POUND AND N LAST BEYOND IMAGG.IS THERE SOMETHG THAT YOU’VE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WH YOUR SAY THAT YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ASKED ABOUT OR THAT YOU FEEL SHOULD BE HIGHLIGHTED THAT DON’T GET HIGHLIGHTED ENOUGH?THE ONE THG THAT I DON’T THK IS HIGHLIGHTED ENOUGH, AND I THK THIS APPLI TO A LOT OF DIFFERENT KDS OF WRG, IS THAT PEOPLE UNRTIMATE THE CRAFT. SO MANY PEOPLE ASSUME THAT WHEN YOU’RE WRG ABOUT TRMA, WHEN YOU’RE WRG ABOUT MARGALIZATN, OPPRSN, WHATEVER, ANYTHG SORT OF NEGATIVE, THAT YOU’RE WRG ONLY OM EMOTN. AND ONE OF THE MA POTS I WAS TRYG TO MAKE, AND I DON’T KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY DID WELL THE SAY, BUT I WILL, WHEN BE A CHAPTER MY NEXT BOOK. PEOPLE UNRTIMATE THAT ’S A CRAFT. THAT WRG IS A JOB AND I’M NOT JT DOG TO EXORCISE MY MONS, I’M DOG TO ELIC A RPONSE OM THE REAR AND TO ACPLISH SOMETHG. AND I DO WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME ABOUT WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MECHANIL CHOIC THAT YOU MAKE TO WRE ABOUT ANYTHG, BUT TO WRE ABOUT TRMA PARTICULAR.I’M TERTED THAT.YOU HAVE TO HAVE BOUNDARI. AND BOUNDARI ARE THIS GREAT NTAER THAT WILL KEEP OUT THGS YOU DON’T WANT TO CLU, AND KEEP EVERYTHG ELSE. ONCE YOU HAVE BOUNDARI, YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE NEVER GOG TO BE HARMED, AND YOU’RE NOT GOG TO E HARM, BY WHATEVER YOU’RE DOG BEE YOU RPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO HAVE THE BOUNDARI. IT’S IMPORTANT TO REGNIZE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DIVULGE EVERYTHG. YOU GET TO TERME HOW EXPLIC OR IMPLIC YOU WANT TO BE. SO MANY PEOPLE THK THAT IF I’M WRG ABOUT TRMA, I HAVE TO BE CREDIBLY EXPLIC AND I HAVE TO GIVE YOU EVERY GORY TAIL. YOU WANT TO THK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE GOG TO PUT THE REAR TO YOUR EXPERIENCE, OR WHATEVER EXPERIENCE YOU’RE WRG ABOUT, SO THEY N REALLY UNRSTAND THE IMPACT OF . YOU HAVE TO START TO THK ABOUT THE CHOIC THAT YOU’RE MAKG TERMS OF THE LEVEL OF SCRIPTN AND THE KD OF SETTG AND THE WAY YOU SET UP AND TRODUCE WHATEVER YOU’RE WRG ABOUT TO THE PIECE. I REALLY WANTED TO GET MY STUNTS TO ALSO THK ADDN TO THE ETHIL QUTNS, JT MECHANILLY, HOW ARE YOU GOG TO DO THIS? IT HELPED A LOT OF THE STUNTS, BEE THEY HAD TO REGNIZE THAT NOT ONLY ARE YOU GOG TO WRE THIS, YOU’RE GOG TO BE CRIQUED. AND YOU DON’T GET TO E THE TRMA AS A SHIELD OM CRIQUE. JT LIKE I ULDN’T E TRMA AS A SHIELD OM BOOK REVIEWS—NOR WOULD I. AND THAT IS A EFUL AMEWORK, PECIALLY THE REALM OF WRG.MORE GREAT STORI FROM VANY FAIR— COVER STORY: THE CHARMG BILLIE EILISH— KOBE BRYANT’S TRAGIC FLIGHT, ONE YEAR LATER— HOW THE PGA POLISHED OFF DONALD TMP— COULD THE MONARCHY “GO OVER A CLIFF” AFTER QUEEN ELIZABETH DI?— 36 ESSENTIAL ITEMS FOR RECREATG INIC BILLIE EILISH NAIL MOMENTS— INSI 2021’S CELEBRY-GOSSIP RENAISSANCE— WHAT WILL MELANIA TMP’S LEGACY BE?— FROM THE ARCHIVE: THE BRANT BROTHERS’ QUT TO CONQUER MANHATTAN— NOT A SUBSCRIBER? JO VANY FAIR TO RECEIVE FULL ACCS TO AND THE PLETE ONLE ARCHIVE NOW.MONI LEWSKY
• ROXANE GAY’S COMPLITED “HUNGER”
• IN HUNGER, ROXANE GAY SAYS WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL ABOUT BEG FAT AMERI
• ROXANE GAY FDS ESPE THROUGH VIRTUAL-REALY WORKOUTS AND P-VALLEY EPISOS

'I DIDN’T THK MARRIAGE WAS IN THE CARDS FOR ME': AUTHOR ROXANE GAY CELEBRAT FIRST ANNIVERSARY AFTER ELOPG DURG PANMIC

"It wasn’t how we planned but was perfect, " Gay said of their timate elopement last year. In se you missed , Roxane Gay is a married woman, and as she shared on Instagram on Sunday, she’s been one for a whole year now. She too shared a lovg note about the uple’s anniversary and a photo of her their garn surround by huge balloons that spelled out “Happy Anniversary” bee Gay lov balloons.

ROXANE GAY

Gay did share last year that the uple eloped but would have a bigger ceremony the future.

“I am not super relig but Debbie is Jewish and so Gloria Steem is actually marryg next year, ” Gay said. It’s tertg to thk that Gay almost ignored Millman’s advanc after they met.

ROXANE GAY ON HOW TO WRE ABOUT TRMAIN A NDID TERVIEW, THE NOVELIST, SAYIST, AND PROFSOR TALKS TO MONI LEWSKY ABOUT FDG A WAY TO WRE ABOUT TERRIBLE THGS, DOG DOUBLE DUTY ON THERAPY, AND HANDLG ALL FORMS OF CRICISM.BY MONI LEWSKYFEBARY 18, 2021BY REGALD CUNNGHAM.SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVE“WE ARE WALKG WOUNDS, BUT I AM NOT SURE ANY OF KNOW QUE HOW TO TALK ABOUT ,” WR ROXANE GAY HER NEW SAY, “WRG INTO THE WOUND,” PUBLISHED ON SCRIBD. THE PIECE, SPIRED BY AN UNRGRADUATE WORKSHOP GAY TGHT AT YALE ON WRG TRMA, SCRIB GAY’S EXPERIENCE ATTEMPTG TO WRE ABOUT BEG GANG-RAPED AT AGE 12, FIRST FICTNAL STORI WRTEN AS A TEENAGER, “MELODRAMATIC AND OVERWROUGHT AND DARK AND GRAPHIC,” AND THEN, AS AN ADULT, WORK LIKE HER SAY LLECTN BAD FEMIST. “I WROTE AROUND ,” SHE WR OF THAT BOOK’S SCRIPTN OF THE ASSLT. “IN PART, I WAS PROTECTG MYSELF. I ULD ADM THIS THG HAD HAPPENED TO ME, BUT I WAS NOT READY TO SHARE THE TAILS.” FALLY, HUNGER: A MEMOIR OF (MY) BODY, GAY WROTE “DIRECTLY AND OPENLY ABOUT MY SEXUAL ASSLT, HOW CHANGED ME, HOW THAT ASSLT HAS HNTED ME FOR MORE THAN THIRTY YEARS.”IN HER NEW SAY, SHE SCRIB THE BOOK’S RECEPTN—OVERWHELMGLY POSIVE RPONS OM REARS, WHILE TERVIEWS WH SOME MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA RANGED OM MISRMED TO LLO—AND HOW THE EXPERIENCE OF WRG THE BOOK LED TO FURTHER QUTNS OF HOW TO PICT TRMA WRG. THE PIECE IS WELL HEWN BUT EXPANSIVE, EXPLORG THE WAYS WHICH WE REVEAL OURSELV THROUGH WRG—BY CHOICE, AS THE TAILG OF AN ASSLT, OR MORE OBLIQUELY, AS HOW A JOURNALIST SCRIB A PIECE OF WRG ABOUT AN ASSLT, AND THE WRER WHO EXPERIENCED .ROXANE AND I HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A FEW YEARS AND, OF URSE, MY AWARENS OF AND ADMIRATN FOR HER WRG PREDATED THAT. I’M SURE FEW WOULD WONR WHY I WAS TERTED TALKG TO HER ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR SAY—WHICH WE DID VIA A ZOOM LL OM OUR RPECTIVE LOS ANGEL HOM—ABOUT THE NUANCE AND TRICY VOLVED WRG ABOUT ONE’S TRMA FOR PUBLIC NSUMPTN.MONI LEWSKY: DID TEACHG THE URSE ON TRMA WRG CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW WE WRE ABOUT TRMA?ROXANE GAY: I DON’T KNOW THAT CHANGED MY THOUGHTS, BUT CERTALY EXPAND THEM AND HELPED ME VELOP A STRONGER UNRSTANDG. I THOUGHT OF THE CLASS AFTER ASKG MYSELF, HOW DO WE WRE ABOUT TRMA? AND HOW DO WE WRE ABOUT WELL? I HAD EDED AN ANTHOLOGY LLED NOT THAT BAD, A PILATN OF WOMEN WRG ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENC WH RAPE CULTURE. MOST OF THE SUBMISSNS WERE JT STRAIGHT TTIMONY. THEY WEREN’T SAYS. AND I WAS THE UNFORTUNATE POSN OF HAVG TO REJECT THE TLY PAFUL STORI THAT CLEARLY TOOK QUE A LOT FOR THE WRERS TO SUBM. IT GOT ME THKG, HOW DO WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TAKE A TRMA—WHETHER ’S THEIRS OR SOMEONE ELSE’S; A CULTURAL TRMA, LLECTIVE TRMA, SO ON—AND WRE ABOUT WAYS THAT N BE MORE THAN JT THARSIS? OVER THE URSE OF THE SEMTER MY STUNTS WERE REALLY ASTONISHG THE DIFFERENT WAYS THAT THEY APPROACHED THE TOPIC AND TRIED TO ANSWER THE QUTN I POSED TO THEM AT THE BEGNG OF THE SEMTER WHICH IS, “HOW DO WE WRE TRMA, AND HOW DO WE DO WELL?” IT REALLY HELPED ME TO FURTHER REFE MY THKG.DO “WRG TRMA WELL” FALL UNR THE TEGORY OF WHAT WE WOULD NORMALLY SAY IS “GOOD” WRG? OR DO WRG TRMA WELL MEAN THAT ’S EFFECTIVE A DIFFERENT WAY?THAT’S A GOOD QUTN, AND I THK A LOT OF THE TIME WHAT WE MEAN BY WRG WELL IS VERY SUBJECTIVE AND THERE N BE A LOT OF DIFFERENT CRERIA. FOR SOME PEOPLE, WRG ABOUT TRMA WELL MEANS THAT HELPS THEM WORK THROUGH SOMETHG. BUT IS THAT GOG TO BE WRG TRMA WELL FOR AN DIENCE? AND WHICH DIENCE? YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO THK THROUGH THE QUTNS AS YOU’RE WRG TRMA AND CI, WHAT IS YOUR END GOAL? AND WHAT ARE YOU GOG TO NSIR A SUCCS?I’VE WRTEN ABOUT MY TRMA AND WHAT ENDS UP FEELG MEANGFUL TO ME IS WHEN SOMEONE NNECTS WH A WAY THAT HELPS THEM. YOU HAD AN OUTPOURG OF THAT AFTER HUNGER. DID THAT MIGATE SOME OF THE EXPERIENC YOU WERE HAVG WH THE PRS? WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?IT WAS SURPRISG, BEE I DID NOT EXPECT THE BOOK TO RONATE WH AS MANY PEOPLE AS DID, AND WH AS MANY PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT FAT. I JT THOUGHT, GREAT, I’M GOG TO REACH MY FAT BRETHREN, YAY. BUT LIVG A BODY IS HARD, NO MATTER WHAT THAT BODY LOOKS LIKE, AND NO MATTER WHAT THAT BODY’S ABILY IS. AND SO PEOPLE REALLY HAD A LOT TO SAY, AND I REALLY FELT I HAD DONE WELL, BEE SO MANY PEOPLE ME TO ME. BUT ALSO BEE CREATED A SMALL MEASURE OF CHANGE. NOW, ’S BEG TGHT MANY MEDIL SCHOOLS AND IS HELPG DOCTORS RETHK HOW THEY TERACT WH THEIR FAT PATIENTS AND HOW THEY TREAT THEIR FAT PATIENTS AND HOW THEY UNRSTAND THEIR FAT PATIENTS. AND THAT, FOR ME, WAS WHEN I KNEW I HAD DONE OKAY. BEE, THAT’S SUCH A REAL PROBLEM, FAT PHOBIA THE MEDIL PROFSN. AND SO MANY FAT PEOPLE GO UNDIAGNOSED WH ISSU THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SEEK TREATMENT FOR. BEG FAT IS NOT A CRIME. AND SO, IF THE MEDIL TABLISHMENT N CRIMALIZE FATNS A LTLE B, I WILL HAVE NSIRED MY LIFE A LIFE WELL LIVED.MY BT IEND OM LLEGE IS A PEDIATRICIAN, AND SHE READ HUNGER AND TOLD ME THAT PLETELY CHANGED HOW SHE TALKED TO ALL OF HER ADOLCENT PATIENTS AROUND THIS ISSUE.MY NFSN IS THAT HUNGER WAS TOO HARD FOR ME TO READ. I’VE STGGLED WH WEIGHT MY WHOLE LIFE AND WAS ALSO FAT-SHAMED PUBLICLY. IT OPENED UP THOSE TRIGGERS. BUT I DO WONR, DO YOU LIKE OR DISLIKE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT WAS BRAVE TO WRE SOMETHG LIKE THIS?MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZI HAVE TRIED TO E TO A PLACE OF PEACE ABOUT , BEE I DON’T FEEL BRAVE. AND SO FEELS LIKE PEOPLE ARE GIVG ME A REGNN I DON’T SERVE WHEN THEY SAY THAT. I DON’T THK ’S PARTICULARLY BRAVE TO WRE ABOUT YOUR REALY AND TO WRE ABOUT THE WAYS YOU’VE SUFFERED OR THE WAYS THAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED JOY. BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, I DO REGNIZE, GIVEN HOW TERRIFYG I FOUND TO WRE THE BOOK, THAT TOOK SOMETHG TO FALLY H SEND AND GIVE TO MY EDOR—AND I LAYED THAT FOR A YEAR, BEE I WAS SO OVERWHELMED BY THE PROSPECT OF EVEN STARTG THE BOOK. SO YEAH, THE END DID REQUIRE SOME BRAVERY. I TRY TO JT BE AS GRAC AS POSSIBLE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT BEE I DO REGNIZE ’S A PLIMENT AND THAT PEOPLE DON’T NEED TO KNOW ALL OF MY TERR ANGST. BUT I ALSO SOMETIM FD MYSELF QUALIFYG LIKE, “OH, I’M NOT BRAVE.”LIKE JT NOW?EXACTLY. EXACTLY LIKE THAT.YOU WROTE THE SAY, “HOW DO WE WRE ABOUT THE TRMATIC EXPERIENC OF OTHERS WHOUT TRANSGRSG THEIR BOUNDARI OR PRIVACY?"THAT’S A QUTN I THK THAT WE ARE ALWAYS GOG TO HAVE TO GRAPPLE WH, BUT I ALWAYS THK WE HAVE TO ERR ON THE SI OF RPECTG OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR LIV AND NOT PUTTG WORDS OR EXPERIENC TO THEIR MOUTHS THAT THEY HAVE NOT SHARED. I DON’T EVER WANT TO SUPPOSE THAT I KNOW ANYTHG ABOUT SOMEONE WHO’S EXPERIENCED TRMA, IF I HAVEN’T ASKED THEM ABOUT DIRECTLY. WE SEE ALL KDS OF SPECULATN. YOU’RE VERY FAIAR WH THIS. THE MEDIA WILL VENT STORI, WHOLE CLOTH.ACRDG TO THE TABLOIDS, I HAD AN ALIEN CHILD ONCE, YOU KNOW?OH, I DID NOT REALIZE. HOW ARE THEY DOG?WONRFUL. I’M GETTG THE TAX CRED.LUCKY! YEAH. IT’S WILD TO SEE WHAT WRERS N DO. I THK THAT AS LONG AS WE REGNIZE THAT WE HAVE TO RPECT OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR LIV, EVEN IF WE’RE WRG ABOUT THEM, WE ARE GOG TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE WE’RE DOG A REASONABLY GOOD JOB OF WRG ABOUT THE TRMA OF OTHERS. I NEVER WANT TO -OPT SOMEONE’S EXPERIENCE, AND SO WHEN I WRE ABOUT THE TRMA OF OTHERS, I JT TRY TO BE REFUL. I TRY TO E MON SENSE. I THK, WOULD I WANT SOMETHG LIKE THIS WRTEN ABOUT ME? BEE HAVG HAD PEOPLE WRE ABOUT ME AND DO SO WAYS THAT ARE ACCURATE, OR JT WRONG, OR OFFENSIVE—I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. I WOULD NEVER WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FEEL THAT WAY, AND SO I TRY TO BE REFUL. AND I THK IF EVERYONE WAS A LTLE MORE REFUL AND A LTLE MORE THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THE CHOIC THAT THEY MAKE, WE ULD SPARE PEOPLE FURTHER TRMA.DO YOU FEEL FORTABLE TALKG PUBLICLY ABOUT THE HEALG MODALI THAT YOU’VE ED OR ARE G?OH YEAH, I’M VERY FORTABLE. I TOOK A LONG TIME TO WRE ABOUT MY SEXUAL ASSLT BEE I WASN’T READY, BEE I DIDN’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW SOMETHG SO TIMATE AND SOMETHG SO PAFUL. AND THEN I STARTED TO THK, IT’S BEEN SO LONG. LET GO. AND SO, ONE OF THE THGS THAT GOT ME TO A PLACE WHERE I WAS ABLE TO WRE ABOUT AND OPEN MYSELF UP TO EVERYTHG EVABLY THAT WOULD RISE OUT OF WRG ABOUT WAS A THERAPY. AND A LOT OF READG AND SUPPORT GROUPS ONLE, AND THGS LIKE THAT. AND SO, I’M ACTUALLY WAY MORE FORTABLE TALKG ABOUT THE HEALG MODALI THAT I AM G THAN I AM TALKG ABOUT THE TRMA SELF. AND I’M FE TALKG ABOUT THE TRMA SELF. IT’S NOT THAT TERTG. IT HAPPENED, ’S OVER, AND Y, I’M STILL ALG WH THE REPERCSNS OF , BUT ’S NOT THAT TERTG.MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZWHAT IS TERTG IS, FOR ME, IS JT HOW LONG TRMA N LGER AND HOW SOMETIM WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT YOU HAVE THE REMRS. AND THAT HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MORE STUNNG THGS ABOUT LIVG THROUGH TRMA. TRMA POUNDS. IT JT SURPRIS ME WHERE I FEEL LIKE I’M DOG SOMETHG NORMAL, EVERYTHG IS OL, AND THEN SOMETHG HAPPENS AND ALL OF A SUDN NOTHG IS OKAY, EVERYTHG IS TERRIBLE AND I AM FALLG APART. AND THEN I HAVE TO PULL MYSELF BACK TOGETHER ALL OVER AGA.WE DON’T TALK A LOT ABOUT THE MSS OF REVERY, BEE PEOPLE LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT IS A NTAED AND DISCRETE EXPERIENCE. IT HAPPENS, ’S OVER, YOU HEAL, YOU MOVE ON. YOU HEAL, BUT SOMETIM THE WOUND REOPENS, AND HEALS AGA AND THEN REOPENS AND SR TISSUE VELOPS, AND SO ON. I TRY TO ALSO ACMODATE THAT MY WRG SO THAT PEOPLE ARE CLEAR THAT I’M NOT OFFERG YOU SOME SORT OF MAGIL SOLUTN. THIS IS NOT THERAPY. THIS IS JT A MEMOIR. IT IS AN ACUNTG OF A LIFE…. SO MANY PEOPLE WH TRMA FEEL LIKE THEY’RE FAILG BEE THEY HAVE A BAD DAY OR A BAD WEEK OR A BAD YEAR. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU WAKE UP, YOU’RE NOT FAILG. IF YOU BSH YOUR TEETH, YOU’RE NOT FAILG. AND I THK IF WE JT HAVE SLIGHTLY MORE REALISTIC GOALS FOR OURSELV THAN PERFECTN, WE’LL BE OKAY.DURG THE PANMIC, AFTER THGS JT PLETELY WENT AWAY FOR ABOUT TWO MONTHS, THREE MONTHS, PEOPLE FIGURED OUT THAT VIRTUAL EVENTS ARE VIABLE AND WORK STARTED POURG AGA. AND OF URSE, I WAS WRG ABOUT THE ELECTN, AND I HAD GOTTEN MARRIED, AND MY MOM HAS LUNG NCER. I HAVE A LOT GOG ON. I HAVEN’T HAD A CHANCE TO WORRY ABOUT MY OWN SH BEE THERE’S FIVE OTHER THGS THAT ARE HORRIBLE THAT I’M ALG WH AT THE SAME TIME. BUT ONE OF THE THGS THAT THE ISOLATN DID DO, THOUGH, WAS FORCE ME TO REGNIZE THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE TIME TO WORK ON SOME THGS THAT I HAVE NOT WORKED ON PERSONALLY. I’VE KICKED UP THERAPY TO TWICE A WEEK NOW, AND THAT HAS BEEN VERY EFUL. I WAS VERY RISTANT, BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT ’S VERY EFUL TO GO TWICE A WEEK.OR A DOUBLE SSN.IT TAK ME A WHILE TO WARM UP AND I FD THAT AROUND MUTE 41 IS WHEN I REALLY WHEN I’M LIKE, “AND SO THEN HE STABBED ME.” AND THEN SHE’S LIKE, “WELL, WE GOT TO GO!” AND SO I HAVE FOUND THAT BEE EVEN THOUGH I’M STILL BY, I’M NOT TRAVELG, WHICH SAV SO MUCH TIME AND SO MUCH ENERGY THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DIRECT THAT ENERGY TO PRODUCTIVE THGS. AND ADDN TO THE CREASED ANXIETY OF IS HUMANY G TO AN END, SO ’S BEEN CHALLENGG. WHAT ABOUT FOR YOU, MONI?MY EXPERIENCE THE BEGNG OF THE PANMIC WAS THAT OLD TRMA MA REALLY CHALLENGG. IN THE FIRST SEVERAL MONTHS OF 1998, I ULDN’T GO OUTSI. SO, BEE OF THAT, UNLS I’M SICK, ’S RARE FOR ME TO NOT LEAVE MY HOE AT LEAST ONCE A DAY. Y, WE ULD GO FOR WALKS…BUT. THERE WAS A REAL CLSTROPHOBIC FEELG ABOUT QUARANTE FOR ME—THAT “HAVE TO STAY SI” MANDATE. AND THEN, TERMS OF POUND TRMA, I HAD JT STARTED DATG SOMEBODY AND LDA TRIPP DIED UNEXPECTEDLY. A LOT OF OLD TRMA KICKED UP.MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZIT SURPRIS ME, ALL THE CREVIC THE PSYCHE WHERE TRMA N LURK. MY THERAPIST IS A TRMA PSYCHIATRIST AND SHE TALKS ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE JT SAYG, THAT THERE’S SUCH A LONG ECHO OF TRMA. I’VE HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF SOMETIM TRYG TO PREPARE FOR SOMETHG THAT I THK WILL BE TRMATIC, AND THEN ’S LIKE, SURPRISE! TRMA HAS S OWN WAY OF WANTG TO AL WH SOMETHG.AND S OWN AGENDA. I FD THAT WHENEVER I THK I’M PLANNG FOR HOW I’M GOG TO FEEL ABOUT SOMETHG, LIFE SURPRIS ME. THE MOST SURPRISG THG ABOUT HUNGER WAS NOT THE REAR RECEPTN, WAS THE WAY THE PRS ALT WH . I HAD ANTICIPATED AND MY BT IEND AND I HAD ACTUALLY SPENT SOME TIME TRYG TO IMAGE WHAT WERE THE WORST THGS THAT REPORTERS WERE GOG TO ASK ME? WHAT WERE THE WORST HEADL? WE END UP BEG RIGHT, AND THEN WAS WAY WORSE. IF I HAD KNOWN I WOULD’VE NEVER, EVER PUBLISHED THE BOOK. SO I’M GLAD A WAY THAT I DID NOT KNOW…. CULTURALLY, ’S REALLY HARD FOR PEOPLE TO LET GO OF THE SGULAR NARRATIV. AGA, THIS IS NOTHG YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW. IT JT SURPRISED ME, I MT SAY. IT SURPRISED ME.BUT YOU DON’T REGRET PUBLISHG HUNGER, DO YOU?I DON’T REGRET . THE BOOK HAS DONE MORE GOOD THAN NOT.THERE’S A LOT OF TALK THE ANTI-BULLYG WORLD AROUND HOW MEDIA IS NOT VERY WELL TRAED AT TALKG ABOUT SUICI, AND THE IMPORTANCE OF THE LANGUAGE WE E. DO YOU THK THAT THAT WAS A SIAR SE WH THE PEOPLE THE PRS—THAT THEY DIDN’T KNOW BETTER? OR THEY WERE GOG FOR CLICKBA, OR WAS THEIR UNNSC BIAS?I THK WAS ALL OF THE ABOVE. AND NOT EVERY TERVIEWER HAD ALL OF THE SAME MOTIVATNS. LIKE MIA FREEDMAN [FOUNR OF MAMAMIA, AN ATRALIAN WOMEN’S WEBSE, WHO HOSTED GAY ON HER PODST; “FREEDMAN WROTE A SCRIPTN OF THE SHOW THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST HUIATG THGS I HAVE EVER SEEN PRT ABOUT MYSELF,” GAY WR THE SAY. “I WAS STUNNED. BLDSID.”], SHE WAS JT ABOUT CLICKBA. SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOG, AND SHE CLEARLY HAS ISSU AROUND FATNS AS WELL.I WROTE THE BOOK, AND THE KDS OF THGS THAT THE MEDIA WERE OBSSG ABOUT, I PUT THE BOOK. I KNEW THAT WAS GOG TO HAPPEN, BUT I JT DID NOT REALIZE THE ENTHIASM WH WHICH WAS GOG TO HAPPEN. PEOPLE WERE VERY EXCED TO WRE ABOUT MY HIGHT WEIGHT OVER AND OVER. FOR THE FIRST FEW WEEKS, THERE WAS NOT A PIECE OF PRS THAT DID NOT MENTN . AND I JT THOUGHT, WELL, OF URSE THEY WERE GOG TO DO THAT. AND YOU JT HAVE TO HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH. THERE’S NOTHG I ULD DO ABOUT .BUT WAS ALSO DISAPPOTG. WHEN SOMEONE LIKE TERRY GROSS, WHO I HELD PRR TO THIS REALLY, HIGH TEEM, BEE MY IENDS AND FAY REALLY HELD HER THE HIGHT TEEM—FOR SO MANY WRERS, THAT’S THE HOLY GRAIL. AND I’VE HEARD GOOD TERVIEWS WH HER, SO I WAS ACTUALLY EXCED TO HAVE A SUBSTANTIVE NVERSATN. AND THEN WHEN DIDN’T HAPPEN—OH, WAS HUGELY DISAPPOTG. [“SHE FIXATED ON MY HIGHT WEIGHT,” GAY WR OF HER EXPERIENCE THE SAY. “SHE WAS EPLY CUR ABOUT MY EATG HABS, ABOUT HOW I ULD SPEND SO MANY YEARS BEG SO FAT.”]MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZTHAT WAS MY EXPERIENCE TOO. I LEFT. I LEFT THE MIDDLE OF THE TERVIEW.I DID NOT HAVE THE CHUTZPAH TO DO SOMETHG LIKE THAT. BUT I WANTED TO. I WANTED TO JT LEAVE BEE I WAS SO HURT AND THEN MAD AT MYSELF FOR BEG HURT. AND THEN MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOT BEG PREPARED, TO NOT EXPECT THAT THIS WAS GOG TO HAPPEN WH SOMEONE LIKE HER. BEE I JT THOUGHT SHE WAS BETTER THAN THAT. AND SHE WASN’T.I HAD DIFFERENT TRMAS, YOUNGER YEARS, ADOLCENCE, AND THEN OBVLY THE ON EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT. I THK THERE WAS A TENNCY AS A YOUNGER PERSON TO TURN THE BLAME BACK ON MYSELF. DO YOU THK THAT’S PART OF THE TRMA OF WHAT YOU EXPERIENCED WH TERRY?I THK WAS A LOT OF THAT. WHY WAS I NOT PREPARED? WHY DID I EXPECT ANY BETTER OM PEOPLE? AND WHY DID I WRE THE BOOK? I TOOK ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF. WHY ULD I NOT GET MY WEIGHT UNR NTROL, SO THAT I DIDN’T HAVE TO WRE THE BOOK? I ULD GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO: WHY WAS I BORN? IT N BE A REALLY SLIPPERY SLOPE OF SELF-BLAME AND SELF-LOATHG. I TRIED TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF AND REMD MYSELF, LIKE, THIS IS RADIL, BUT MAYBE I’M NOT THE PROBLEM.SOMEBODY TOLD ME THIS QUOTE A UPLE YEARS AGO AND ME TO MD AS I WAS READG YOUR SAY. IT’S OM THE FRENCH WRER ANDRé MALRX. “YOU DID NOT E BACK OM HELL WH EMPTY HANDS.”YOU KNOW, I’VE NEVER HEARD THAT SAYG BEFORE, BUT ’S AN TERTG THG AND ’S TE. YOU’RE NEVER GOG TO EMERGE OM A TRMA UNSTHED, AND AS MUCH AS WE’D LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT HEALG IS A SORT OF A NEAT AND PLETE THG, THERE’S ALWAYS GOG TO BE BAGGAGE AND SRS. AND SOMETIM LERALLY CHANG WHO YOU ARE, WHICH N BE CHALLENGG.WHEN I TGHT THE CLASS, HAVG TGHT UNRGRADUAT BEFORE, I KNEW I WAS GOG TO HEAR ABOUT DIFFICULT EXPERIENC THAT THE STUNTS HAD ENDURED. AND SO I WAS PREPARED FOR THAT, BUT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR HOW POWERFULLY THEY WERE ABLE TO WRE ABOUT THOSE EXPERIENC. AND I JT KEPT LOOKG, EACH WEEK, OUT AT THIS AMAZG GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE AND THKG, THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE THE STORI TO TELL…. IT WAS REALLY STRIKG TO ME TO REGNIZE THAT TRMA REALLY IS ONE OF THE GREAT EQUALIZERS. WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT ENOUGH WHEN WE TALK ABOUT WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND WE HAVE MON GROUND BEE OF LOVE, WE ALL HAVE FAI, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BUT ALSO, MOST OF HAVE ENDURED TRMA.I THK ’S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO REGNIZE THAT YOU SHOULDN’T BE RANKG OPPRSNS AND YOU SHOULDN’T BE RANKG TRMAS, BEE ’S NOT FAIR. I WASN’T A WAR-TORN REGN DURG A WAR, BUT THAT DON’T MEAN THAT MY TRMA DIDN’T HAVE A PROFOUND IMPACT ON ME. WOMEN TEND TO MIMIZE THEIR EXPERIENC AND THEIR TRMAS BEE WOMEN AL WH SO MANY TERRIBLE THGS. WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUNG WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN SEX TRAFFICKED, YOUNG WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED, PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN GANG-RAPED BY SOLDIERS—I MEAN, THE LEVEL OF HORROR THAT THOSE POOR WOMEN CLEVELAND WHO WERE KEPT A HOE FOR SEVEN YEARS. I HAVE ENOUGH PERSPECTIVE TO REGNIZE WHAT I WENT THROUGH SUCKED, BUT WASN’T LIKE THAT.MOST POPULARAND JT LIKE THAT: MICHAEL PATRICK KG KNOWS WHEN THE AUDIENCE TURNED ON CHE DIAZBY CHRIS MURPHYKYLE DCHANEL, THE ROTHSCHILD WHO WASN’TBY NATE FREEMANMARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: IMPEACH BIN NOW OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENTBY ERIC LUTZONE OF THE THGS THAT I DID REALIZE DURG CLASS, AND THAT I ALSO TRIED TO IMPART TO MY STUNTS, IS THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER MIMIZE YOUR TRMA. BUT I ALSO THK PERSPECTIVE IS CREDIBLY IMPORTANT, AND REGNIZG THAT THERE’S NOTHG PRODUCTIVE SAYG, “THAT WAS SO MUCH WORSE,” BUT THERE IS SOMETHG IMPORTANT REGNIZG THAT TRMA N BE POUND AND N LAST BEYOND IMAGG.IS THERE SOMETHG THAT YOU’VE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WH YOUR SAY THAT YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ASKED ABOUT OR THAT YOU FEEL SHOULD BE HIGHLIGHTED THAT DON’T GET HIGHLIGHTED ENOUGH?THE ONE THG THAT I DON’T THK IS HIGHLIGHTED ENOUGH, AND I THK THIS APPLI TO A LOT OF DIFFERENT KDS OF WRG, IS THAT PEOPLE UNRTIMATE THE CRAFT. SO MANY PEOPLE ASSUME THAT WHEN YOU’RE WRG ABOUT TRMA, WHEN YOU’RE WRG ABOUT MARGALIZATN, OPPRSN, WHATEVER, ANYTHG SORT OF NEGATIVE, THAT YOU’RE WRG ONLY OM EMOTN. AND ONE OF THE MA POTS I WAS TRYG TO MAKE, AND I DON’T KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY DID WELL THE SAY, BUT I WILL, WHEN BE A CHAPTER MY NEXT BOOK. PEOPLE UNRTIMATE THAT ’S A CRAFT. THAT WRG IS A JOB AND I’M NOT JT DOG TO EXORCISE MY MONS, I’M DOG TO ELIC A RPONSE OM THE REAR AND TO ACPLISH SOMETHG. AND I DO WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME ABOUT WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MECHANIL CHOIC THAT YOU MAKE TO WRE ABOUT ANYTHG, BUT TO WRE ABOUT TRMA PARTICULAR.I’M TERTED THAT.YOU HAVE TO HAVE BOUNDARI. AND BOUNDARI ARE THIS GREAT NTAER THAT WILL KEEP OUT THGS YOU DON’T WANT TO CLU, AND KEEP EVERYTHG ELSE. ONCE YOU HAVE BOUNDARI, YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE NEVER GOG TO BE HARMED, AND YOU’RE NOT GOG TO E HARM, BY WHATEVER YOU’RE DOG BEE YOU RPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO HAVE THE BOUNDARI. IT’S IMPORTANT TO REGNIZE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DIVULGE EVERYTHG. YOU GET TO TERME HOW EXPLIC OR IMPLIC YOU WANT TO BE. SO MANY PEOPLE THK THAT IF I’M WRG ABOUT TRMA, I HAVE TO BE CREDIBLY EXPLIC AND I HAVE TO GIVE YOU EVERY GORY TAIL. YOU WANT TO THK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE GOG TO PUT THE REAR TO YOUR EXPERIENCE, OR WHATEVER EXPERIENCE YOU’RE WRG ABOUT, SO THEY N REALLY UNRSTAND THE IMPACT OF . YOU HAVE TO START TO THK ABOUT THE CHOIC THAT YOU’RE MAKG TERMS OF THE LEVEL OF SCRIPTN AND THE KD OF SETTG AND THE WAY YOU SET UP AND TRODUCE WHATEVER YOU’RE WRG ABOUT TO THE PIECE. I REALLY WANTED TO GET MY STUNTS TO ALSO THK ADDN TO THE ETHIL QUTNS, JT MECHANILLY, HOW ARE YOU GOG TO DO THIS? IT HELPED A LOT OF THE STUNTS, BEE THEY HAD TO REGNIZE THAT NOT ONLY ARE YOU GOG TO WRE THIS, YOU’RE GOG TO BE CRIQUED. AND YOU DON’T GET TO E THE TRMA AS A SHIELD OM CRIQUE. JT LIKE I ULDN’T E TRMA AS A SHIELD OM BOOK REVIEWS—NOR WOULD I. AND THAT IS A EFUL AMEWORK, PECIALLY THE REALM OF WRG.MORE GREAT STORI FROM VANY FAIR— COVER STORY: THE CHARMG BILLIE EILISH— KOBE BRYANT’S TRAGIC FLIGHT, ONE YEAR LATER— HOW THE PGA POLISHED OFF DONALD TMP— COULD THE MONARCHY “GO OVER A CLIFF” AFTER QUEEN ELIZABETH DI?— 36 ESSENTIAL ITEMS FOR RECREATG INIC BILLIE EILISH NAIL MOMENTS— INSI 2021’S CELEBRY-GOSSIP RENAISSANCE— WHAT WILL MELANIA TMP’S LEGACY BE?— FROM THE ARCHIVE: THE BRANT BROTHERS’ QUT TO CONQUER MANHATTAN— NOT A SUBSCRIBER? JO VANY FAIR TO RECEIVE FULL ACCS TO AND THE PLETE ONLE ARCHIVE NOW.MONI LEWSKY

You should go for , ’” Gay said.

ROXANE GAY’S COMPLITED “HUNGER”

’ Neher Should Simpson/Hser & WirthRoxane GayDr. Gay, a ntributg Opn wrer, is the edor of “The Selected Works of Audre Lor” and the thor of the memoir “Hunger, ” among others.

We’re only human, and so, too, are the people who love Gay (@RGay) is a ntributg Opn wrer for The New York Tim. She wr a newsletter, “The Audacy, ” and she hosts the podst “The Roxane Gay Agenda. ” @RGay A versn of this article appears prt on, Sectn A, Page 25 of the New York edn wh the headle: In Defense of Th Sk and Not Takg a Joke.

The succs of Tatum's picture books has given him a taste of publishg and he's ready to take to the next level by workg on a romance novel alongsi (former Glamour ntributor) Roxane Gay.

IN HUNGER, ROXANE GAY SAYS WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL ABOUT BEG FAT AMERI

After a hilar exchange (Gay wrote that she wanted to “hug every part of him wh my mouth”), the two got to talkg and Gay shared a half-wrten outle of a story she wanted to tell.

ROXANE GAY FDS ESPE THROUGH VIRTUAL-REALY WORKOUTS AND P-VALLEY EPISOS

Gay, famoly known for her poignant work such as Bad Femist and Not That Bad, shared wh The Advote how the pair lked up.