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class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp jbzVNV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT kkDiIx"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX dZhWBL bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fgWnkQ bric__lk" href="/magaze/a-reporter-at-large"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">A Reporter at Large</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd NbxED hpJvIc">When One Parent Leav a Hasidic Communy, What Happens to the Kids?</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB etVsnJ ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearDek-bIqFFZ Mtme">The irrencilable differenc between Orthodoxy and secularism creasgly end up urt.</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa gvUmxJ"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH ivtvgj byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd ggMZaT cXqSTL eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributors/larissa-macfarquhar">Larissa MacFarquhar</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2020-11-30T06:00:00-05:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd kYZrFA iINaCX">November 30, 2020</time></div></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP fEknXh lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc Grck lead-asset--width-fullbleed" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz fDAaLa"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Chavie Weisberger." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span></div></figure></div><div class="ContentHearLeadContentFullWidth-cvJzX hHaBOT"><figure class="ContentHearLeadContentCaptnCred-hSIIqJ kQVfzg"><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN kuCzGS"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">Where Chavie Weisberger grew up, the secular world was thought to be sful—but she was cur about . The possibily of leavg her muny was so extreme that took years to form her md.</span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT jbIJNS ptn__cred">Photograph by Daw N.M. for The New Yorker</span></div></figure></div></div></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kbAoLA article-body__ntent"><div class="ActnBarWrapperContent-lasBkU cAHp"><div class="ActnBarWrapperComponent-cjwxLS bEeSLb"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh kNjTbQ viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save this story" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU hQrwCF bookmark large-screen"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M20 23.9508L12.5 19.7312L5 23.9508V2.95081H14V3.93211H6V22.1845L12.5 18.5536L19 22.1845V8.83866H20V23.9508Z"></path><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M23 3H20V0H19V3H16V4H19V7H20V4H23V3Z"></path></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd bkefvo gkccfO">Save this story</span></button></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh kAEsuD viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save this story" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU cjjxgx bookmark mobile"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M20 23.9508L12.5 19.7312L5 23.9508V2.95081H14V3.93211H6V22.1845L12.5 18.5536L19 22.1845V8.83866H20V23.9508Z"></path><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M23 3H20V0H19V3H16V4H19V7H20V4H23V3Z"></path></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd bkefvo gkccfO">Save this story</span></button></div></div></div><div class="LightboxWrapper-dxsWBV hhylRt"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP bwyLBj"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG Uozmo"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><figure data-ttid="IameEmbed" class="IameEmbedWrapper-sc-dRedg cjyRVU iame-embed"><div data-ttid="IameEmbedContaer" class="IameEmbedContaer-hptgUZ fXVBaX"><div class="IameEmbedAspectRatWrapper-hFVJps BKpgQ"><iame class="IameEmbedContent-cMdiev csnuAY IameEmbedContent lazyload" height="90" width="100%" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-orig allow-popups" tle="Embedd Frame" data-src=" allowfullscreen="" allow="toplay *; encrypted-media *; clipboard-wre; toplay; fullscreen; picture--picture"></iame></div></div></figure><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Not many people leave ultra-Orthodox Jewish muni. Most who do try to keep secret, bee, if everyone knew, the marriage prospects of their siblgs uld be irreparably damaged. The shame of leavg is very great. It is said that anyone who leav mt be a ed person—pennils, homels, probably on dgs, maybe a prostute, livg like an animal, for rnal appet alone, like the goyim, or else mentally ill.</p><p class="paywall">It’s te that leavg is trmatic. Many people do fall apart at first. There are suicis, and near-suicis. Some who lose their fah would give anythg to have back. Others who thk about leavg n’t brg themselv to do . Leavg means givg up everythg you know, and a close, envelopg muny where you are never alone, wh ltle sense of what uld replace . Your spoe might divorce you, your parents reject you. You have to be sperate.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p class="paywall">Twenty years ago, those who left uld feel that they were steppg to a void. They might know no one else who had done what they were dog. There was a work of blogs wrten by people who no longer believed but ntued to go through the motns; some lled themselv Reverse Marranos, for the Jews medieval Spa who faked renouncg their relign orr to survive. But many Haredi muni—their preferred term for ultra-Orthodox, which means “those who tremble before God”—rtricted accs to the Inter.</p><p class="paywall">Then, 2003, Malkie Schwartz, who had left the Lubavch group Crown Heights, found Footsteps, an anizatn for people who had left Haredi muni. She started as a support group, but she found that people who had left were ually need of help wh practil thgs as well: improvg their English, sce Yiddish was often their first language; figurg out how to go back to school or fd work wh few secular qualifitns; fdg somewhere to live. Over the years, Footsteps expand to a fully fledged nonprof. In 2010, Schwartz was succeed by Lani Santo, who had a master’s gree nonprof management om N.Y.U. At that pot, around five hundred people had gone to Footsteps for help; by 2020, around eighteen hundred had, and still more had ntacted other groups that had spng up. By then, Footsteps had bee notor among Haredim, spected of preyg on vulnerable people who were stgglg their fah. Some who sought s help first heard of when they were acced of beg members.</p><p class="paywall">One of the most paful difficulti that leavers faced was the risk of losg their children. In the early days, the few who left had not attracted a lot of attentn, and some got ctody of their kids whout much of a fight. But, as more people fected, muni alarmed by the prospect of so many children lost to Haredism mobilized to keep them. Secular urts were lled upon to terme the bt terts of children who were beg torn between two irrencilable ways of life: what to one parent was a basic human eedom might be, to the other, a vlatn of the laws of God. To many Haredim, the loss of a child to secular life was unbearable, bee meant that the child’s future, and that of all his scendants, would be ed, not only this world but also the next.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Chavie Weisberger grew up Monsey, a hamlet <a href=">Rockland County</a>, jt north of New York Cy, wh a large Hasidic populatn. Her grandfather Rabbi Moshe Wolfson was the venerated founr of the Emunas Yisroel Hasidic group to which she belonged. Emunas Yisroel, like all Hasidic groups, traced s leage to an eighteenth-century charismatic movement Eastern Europe. Hasidism valued joy and emotnal nnectn wh the dive as much as Torah study. It also ncentrated power s rebb, who acted as termediari between believers and God.</p><p class="paywall">Chavie was the fifth of ten children. She saw herself as a good girl, a le-follower, but she never really believed that the l were important. When nobody was lookg, she would put on the lights on Shabbos, or turn on the air-ndng. She never really prayed; she jt mumbled the words. She knew that she ought to be ashamed of this, and she was, but she wasn’t aaid of God; she was aaid of gettg ught.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Her muny believed the secular world was sful, but she was cur about . She sneaked glanc at the TV the doctor’s wag room; she stared at people the mall. In high school, she disvered that she was attracted to girls, and she slept wh a few of them, pecially at summer mp. She knew that what she was dog was wrong, bee was immost to show your body to another person, but she didn’t thk of as gay sex—she didn’t know that was sex at all. She certaly never nnected the experience wh the fact that a few years she would be married to a boy.</p><p class="paywall">A matchmaker paired her wh Naftali Weisberger, a boy om her neighborhood, and they married 2002, when she was neteen. The weddg night was horrific. It felt to Chavie as though they were vlatg each other. It wasn’t that he was rough—he was meek and shy. But they had been told that they had to nsummate the marriage that night, and if they were havg trouble they should ll the rabbi, so they did. For her, there was no way to e back om that night. She uldn’t image lovg the person who had put her through . And although she had not prevly nnected her relatnships wh girls wh marriage to a boy, now she thought, This isn’t love. I know what love is, bee I have felt .</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Food livery guy on a bike beg chased by wolv." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Edward Koren</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Copy lk to rtoon</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-pylk" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Copy lk to rtoon</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178637)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M16.3488 10.5017C16.2107 10.7357 16.2926 11.035 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data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">After a year, Chavie told her parents that she was unhappy the marriage, and they sent her to a Hasidic therapist. The therapist told her that people beme gay bee they were abed their childhood. When she told him that she hadn’t been abed, he hypnotized her to try to get her to remember, and tght her to self-hypnotize when she was havg sex wh her hband. Six years to the marriage, Chavie and Naftali had three children, the youngt a few months old. That summer, Chavie, Naftali, and the kids went away to a mp the Catskills. Beg back that place, Chavie remembered vividly what had been like to be there as a girl—how fun and nocent summer mp had been—and she felt more than ever that her hband was draggg her down.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p class="paywall">A few months later, early one morng, Naftali was changg the baby’s diaper when she fell off the bed and broke her leg. Chavie bolted upright bed when the baby screamed and said they had to take her to the hospal right away, but was Saturday—Shabbos—and they were stayg wh her hband’s fay for the weekend. Her father--law asked a neighbor, who was an emergency medil technician the relig ambulance rps, to exame the baby, and the technician nclud that the baby’s juri were not ser enough to warrant drivg on Shabbos. (A lawyer for Naftali Weisberger cled an terview requted on his behalf.) All through the day, as Chavie held the screamg baby, she grew angrier and angrier. As soon as Shabbos was over, the fay went to the hospal, but the doctor was so disturbed by the broken femur, and by the fact that they had waed nearly ten hours to brg the baby , that the hospal lled child-protective servic. That night, while Chavie slept the hospal wh the baby, she was watched by a child-protectn worker, for fear of abe.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR daRVRt persistent-asi" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="1pcvvl"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></div></div><div data-ttid="RowWrapper" class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="2i5os"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Not long after, Chavie cid she was done. She knew that hbands were often reluctant to give their wiv a <em>get</em>—a relig divorce—so when Naftali agreed to give her one and they went to the <em>beis d</em>, the rabbil urt, she readily signed whatever papers she was given. She didn’t pay much attentn to a clse requirg her to raise the children Hasidic. In March, 2009, they were officially divorced. Later that month, Naftali married aga. After he remarried, he told Chavie that he need to foc on his new wife, and he stopped seeg their children regularly. Sometim he took them out for pizza, but he didn’t have them over to his new hoe. He didn’t pay child support. Soon he and his wife began havg babi of their own.</p><p class="paywall">It was at this pot that Chavie allowed herself to thk, If I am raisg the children alone, how do I want to do ? And what do I actually want my life? She nsulted a Morn Orthodox rabbi, hopg he would tell her that she uld be both gay and relig, but he said that if she was really a lbian she had to be celibate. And so her choice slowly beme clear to her: she uld be celibate; she uld live a secret life and lie to everyone; or she uld leave the muny. This last possibily was so extreme that took several years to form her md.</p><p class="paywall">Outwardly, she was still a good girl. She worked at a muny magaze, she was volved wh the PTA. But she mt have had some kd of air about her, bee people started nfidg their own weird stuff. This one wished she uld wear shorter skirts; that one wanted to go to the movi. Some women were meetg strangers they had found on Craigslist. One day, she heard her -workers gossipg about a woman named Chani Getter. Chani was a ltle olr, but Chavie knew who she was—she had grown up on the next block. Someone said, Did you hear? Chani is a lbian now, and she’s nng crazy wild retreats for lbians, and she tak her <em>kids</em> there. The -workers were horrified, but Chavie went home, Googled Chani Getter, and lled her.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Marie was an Army brat—she grew up half Germany, half the U.S. (“Marie” is a psdonym.) Her father was a Christian, an Amerin soldier; her mother me om a Haredi German fay. Neher was relig, and they celebrated holidays an irregular fashn—a b of Hankah, a b of Christmas. When Marie was a child, her mother told her stori about growg up Haredi, and the one that stuck her head was about how if she ed the wrong fork and ma un-kosher she had to go outsi and thst to the ground, and sometim was so ld and the ground so hard that was difficult. At the time, Marie thought this sound crazy—somethg that only bizarre, mean parents would force their children to do—and certaly her mother was very bter about her relig upbrgg. But, as Marie grew olr, her mother’s stori piqued her tert. She was lookg for a way of life that was more spirual and stctured than the way she’d grown up, and, after movg every three years om place to place and untry to untry, she wanted a muny to belong to. By the time her parents settled Killeen, Texas, near Fort Hood, when she was high school, she had found herself wantg to bee Orthodox.</p><p class="paywall">She uldn’t force her fay to keep kosher, so she ate vegetarian. She babysat and mowed lawns orr to earn money to buy an extra set of dish, so they wouldn’t be tated by her fay’s non-kosher food. She stopped wearg pants. Her mother was appalled; she said that Marie was sptg on her fay’s way of life. Eventually, this ed so much stra that Marie went to live wh a relig iend she knew om her synagogue. After graduatg om high school, she went to Baylor to study premed.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">While she was llege, Marie met a rabbi om Monsey. He told her that Monsey there were men who were a ltle olr than she but still unmarried bee for some reason they weren’t nsired a tch. If she wanted to marry a Haredi man, he said, she should look for a man like that, bee wh her dub relig background she wasn’t a tch, eher. It took her a while to get ed to the ia of marryg a man she didn’t know, but she believed that she should tst God whout qutng, so she did. She met a twenty-seven-year-old man a relig chat room, and left llege to marry him the fall of 2001.</p><p class="paywall">When Marie first arrived Monsey, felt wonrful to her to be a place where nobody thought she was strange for beg relig. There were kosher stor everywhere, lots of people were mostly drsed. People the muny spoke Yiddish, but Marie unrstood them bee she spoke German. Early on, a woman walkg near her on the street grabbed her shirt and yanked her over to let a man pass by, so that he wouldn’t have to walk behd or between them, and that startled her, but she told herself that she was new to this, and there were bound to be ctoms she didn’t know about.</p><p class="paywall">The marriage, though, was difficult om the start. She wanted to go back to llege—she still hoped to bee a doctor—but she was sld for tryg to overthrow her hband. (Marie’s hband, too, cled to be terviewed.) She saw that as a bri she had not received the same kds of gifts as other dghters--law; her hband told her that she should be grateful that his fay took her after the way she had been raised, like an animal a zoo.</p><p class="paywall">When she and her hband had their first child, a dghter, she beme absorbed beg a mother and felt happier. A uple of years later, they had a son. But the marriage grew worse. Her hband ntrolled the hoehold money, and told her that orr for him to give her some, even to buy basic ems such as sanary napks, she had to serve . He lled her nam, and when their dghter was around six or seven he started llg her nam, too—ugly, fat, stupid. Fally, 2012, they went to the <em>beis d</em> to get a divorce. She got ctody of the children; he was to see them for dner a uple of tim a week and every other Shabbos.</p><p class="paywall">After her hband moved out, Marie began seekg out fay and old iends. Before she had kids, she had been tranged om her parents, but now they travelled om Texas to vis her. Her fay knew that she hadn’t had a mute to herself durg the more than ten years that she was married, so they gathered together some money and told her to take a vatn. One of the iends Marie rennected wh was an Indian-Jewish woman whom she’d met llege and who had moved back home afterward, and this iend ved her to vis. Marie arranged for the kids to stay wh a fay Monsey for two weeks and bought a ticket to India.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Issac was born Borough Park, <a href=">Brooklyn</a>, the nth of ten children, what would bee the Bobov-45 group. (Issac is not the name he ually go by.) His father was exceptnally vout and rigid about le-keepg, but Issac was always gettg to trouble. When a teacher h him, he lled the Fire Department. When one of the school prcipals ma him angry, he squirted ketchup and mtard all over all the prcipals’ lunch. He was bullied by the other kids. When he prayed, he tried to feel a nnectn to God, but never worked. Mostly, prayg meant nothg to him. His father was always tellg him stori about people burng Hell, and those would ighten him for a while, but then wore off. He didn’t doubt the existence of God, exactly; he didn’t have a strong belief one way or the other.</p><p class="paywall">He was sent to sleepaway mp for the first time when he was ne or ten. On visg day his father me to see him, and while the other parents played gam, or took their kids out boatg, Issac’s father took him to the empty shul and said, Let’s review what you have studied the past two weeks. The summer that Issac was fifteen, he had a rough week at mp and cid to kill himself. Luckily, he didn’t know how to do —he took forty Benadryl pills and went to bed. The mp nurse gave him water the next day to flh his system, but apart om that no one did much; mental illns tend to be hhed up, bee uld affect the marriage prospects of everyone the fay. Issac didn’t see a therapist until about six months later, and that was to al wh attentn fic disorr. He was advised to tell nobody about the therapy, not even his brothers and sisters.</p><p class="paywall">When Issac turned eighteen, 2006, me time for him to marry, and matchmakers started gettg touch. Normally, a person had only one <em>shidduch</em>—one match. Eight of Issac’s ne siblgs married the first person they met, but Issac met five girls, and five tim he was rejected. Part of the problem might have been that he wasn’t a yhiva boy anymore—he worked an office-supply store—and havg a job was ls prtig. One matchmaker told him that she’d fibbed on his behalf, sayg that he learned wh a study partner every night, but ma no difference. He was told that one girl rejected him bee he talked too much. By the time a matchmaker suggted a sixth girl, he no longer gave a sh. He agreed to go through wh the meetg only to pacify his father. The matchmaker didn’t know him or the girl personally—prumably, she had picked a girl for her failgs, to go wh his.</p><p class="paywall">His father mentned the girl one day when he got home om work, and Issac drove up to Monsey to meet her. He was done tryg to make himself look good—he thought, Let’s jt get through this and go home. But he liked her. She was vout, but not stiff or judgmental. She was very attractive. She had had a difficult childhood and wasn’t livg wh her fay. They talked for about an hour, and, fifteen mut after Issac left, the matchmaker lled both of them and told each that the other wanted to meet aga, although fact neher had said anythg about . They met the followg afternoon, and then a third time. At this pot, Issac had begun to thk that somethg might actually e of , so they talked serly for four or five hours. He asked the girl, Faigy (a psdonym), if she had any qutns for him, and she fetched a list she’d drawn up. Faigy told him about her childhood, and he asked her if she was therapy. She admted that she was. Issac told her, “If you weren’t, there is no way I would nsir this.” She said, “I want to marry you.”</p><le-embed name="feature-flt" attrs="[object Object]" childTyp="image" ntentType="llout:feature-flt"><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO KhjZz AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset rponsive-image rponsive-image--expandable"><noscript><img alt="Marie stands facg the door to a home wh her back to the mera." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn AssetEmbedCaptn-fNQBPI fmQnYP asset-embed__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">After her divorce, Marie felt hemmed by scty and gossip. She believed that her ex-hband was tryg to fd dirt on her, orr to get the kids back. He told people the muny that she didn’t keep kosher, that she didn’t keep Shabbos. People rammed their shoppg rts to hers at Rockland Kosher. Her employers, who had heard that she was no longer Jewish, fired her.</span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT jbIJNS ptn__cred">Photograph by Daw N.M. for The New Yorker</span></div></figure></le-embed><p class="paywall">The first year of their marriage was easy. His wife was the oppose of his parents, he thought—she never told him what to do. He felt that life wh his parents had been a nstant stggle, and now the stggle was over. Ne and a half months after their weddg, he and Faigy had a dghter. But beg happily married to a relig woman didn’t change Issac’s feelgs about relign, and, left to his own vic, his observance started to slip. He still did the basics, showg his face shul when he had to, but he wasn’t prayg every day.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div data-ttid="RowWrapper" class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="z93j2"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Everythg changed when his dghter, the summer before prchool, was rejected by the Bobov yhiva bee, he and Faigy were told, Faigy, who had been brought up a muny wh slightly different l, drove a r. He and Faigy had been pleadg wh the school for months, and fally they asked for a meetg wh the grand rabbi Borough Park. The rabbi didn’t unrstand why Faigy sisted on drivg. Couldn’t she give up for the sake of her children? Issac said that maybe the Bobov school was the bt school, maybe wasn’t, but he wasn’t willg to cha up his wife to fd out. Afterward, as he and Faigy walked away, down Fiftieth Street, he didn’t feel angry; he felt peaceful. He said to Faigy, “It’s over—the book is closed on Bobov.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-3 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">The next day, he realized that he was done wh more than the school. He said to Faigy, “If I don’t have to follow the l for the yhiva, then why do I need to follow them at all?” He told her, “I thk I n keep Shabbos, I thk I n keep kosher, but beyond that I’m not sure.” This was tensely paful for Faigy, who was eply p. Issac had been untethered om relign si his head for a long time, but to her felt as though everythg she knew about her fay had sudnly explod to piec.</p><p class="paywall">Up to this pot, whatever Issac had done or not done at home was between him and Faigy. Outsi the hoe, he still looked and behaved more or ls like a relig man. But now he felt an urge to go to the barber and have his beard shaved and his <em>payos</em>—silocks—cut off. At that pot, his apostasy would bee irretrievably public. He wanted to do right away, but he cid to thk about , to make sure that he would have no regrets. So he set a lendar remr his phone for four weeks om that day, to give himself a chance to change his md.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Chavie had been aaid to talk to such a wild-soundg person as Chani Getter, but on the phone Chani was very iendly. She ved Chavie to attend a retreat for L.G.B.T.Q. Orthodox Jews. At the retreat, Chavie was asked to speak about herself, and she saw that people were moved by what she said, and she thought, This is real, this is actually who I am. At the retreat, she met many queer parents who were there openly wh their children, not hidg or lyg to them. She thought about how she had been behavg wh her own children, puttg them to bed and then lockg herself her bedroom and watchg a movie. Her children were four, six, and eight, so wasn’t too hard to keep them the dark, but she thought that as they grew olr would be impossible to keep lyg and be a good parent. At another retreat, one of her new iends said to her, “I dare you to take your wig off.” Chavie was shocked—this felt even more exposg than beg naked, pecially sce, unbeknownst to anyone, she had let her hair grow out to a Mohawk and dyed rabow strip—but she did . After that, thgs started movg very fast. A month later, she went to the iend’s hoe for the weekend and ro a r on Shabbos and ate ban, and didn’t feel ighteng or sacrileg— felt normal and right. And she realized, I gus I never believed any of this.</p><p class="paywall">She began troducg her children to her new iends—a lbian uple, a trans woman. She felt that she and her kids were phg open the door of their ghetto together, and was both sry and thrillg. She thought that, sce she was abandong the valu of the muny, she should e up wh alternativ, so she started a “valu wall” her hoe, and when she read a book wh the kids they would extract a value om and paste up: kdns, clivy, social jtice. She believed that a fay should have ruals, so for every rual she abandoned she vented a new one to take s place. She was worried that when the muny saw what she was up to would try to turn her children agast her—she had seen that happen. But the key was she had time. Outwardly, they were still a good Hasidic fay, so no one was payg attentn.</p><p class="paywall">For three years after the divorce, Chavie didn’t tell her children that she was queer. But then, 2012, she thought that her olr dghter spected , and Chavie told her that she was. That fall, a transgenr iend of hers had a fire their apartment, and she ved them to stay wh her, at her home Borough Park. They brought their ts; pets were not exactly prohibed the muny, but they were a tell. Chavie grew bolr. She allowed the kids to eat non-kosher food a few tim. She let the girls wear pants si the hoe. She let the kids watch a movie lled “How the Toys Saved Christmas.” She told them that certa Hasidic beliefs were sexist and homophobic, and that she was an atheist. Fally, she thought, I am done tryg to please people. One day, she impulsively went outsi her neighborhood wearg secular cloth, wh her hair—now short and blond—unvered for everyone to see. She walked past a group of mothers wag at a b stop. At first, they didn’t regnize her, and then they did, and grew very quiet, but she kept walkg.</p><p class="paywall">She cid to e out publicly as a lbian, and was promptly fired om her job at the magaze. The muny was horrified that Rabbi Wolfson’s granddghter had turned out to be such a shockg person. People wrote her letters tellg her that she was disturbg the soul of her father, who had recently died. But she never imaged that she would n to ctody problems. Her ex was by wh his new children. She figured that, even if he did take her to a secular <a href=">fay urt</a>, the judge would si wh her, bee she was progrsive and wanted her kids to get a good tn.</p><p class="paywall">It turned out that she was wrong about this. In November, 2012, she received an emergency orr to show up Kgs County Supreme Court. The judge told her that she was nfg and harmg her children by makg such drastic chang their upbrgg, and orred them removed om her and sent to stay wh their father that very day.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">A few days later, the judge issued a temporary orr creeg that Chavie’s children uld live wh her for three nights a week, on the ndn that while they were wh her, and whenever she was Borough Park, she drsed and acted like a proper Hasidic woman. In a subsequent hearg, Naftali told the judge he had assumed that Chavie would have relatnships wh women after the divorce, but he had expected her to keep them secret om the children. Chavie said that a parent who hid her thentic self om her kids, and raised them acrdg to valu that she didn’t believe , was not a parent but a nanny, and to prive children of a parent was a terrible thg.</p><p class="paywall">The judge summoned several experts to give ttimony on the fay. A therapist ttified that, ever sce Chavie had begun openly floutg Hasidic l, her olr dghter said that she uld not have normal iendships wh her classmat school, and that she and her siblgs were aaid of beg seen the streets wh their mother wearg secular clothg. A psychologist ttified that her son’s behavr yhiva had grown disptive and fiant. Both said that Chavie’s cricisms of Hasidism had left the children eply nfed. A forensic psychologist ttified that although Chavie was a lovg mother who had a strong bond wh her children, by disparagg the Hasidic way of life ont of them she had put her own needs ahead of theirs; she should have shield them om anythg that uld turn them agast their father and his muny. The judge, appalled by what he felt was Chavie’s “remorsels” vlatn of her agreement to raise the kids relig, ma his temporary lg permanent.</p><p class="paywall">Chavie appealed, and, two years later, the lg was overturned, on the ground that a relig-upbrgg agreement uld be enforced only so long as was the bt terts of the children. The appeals urt was more imprsed by Chavie’s re of the kids, and by Naftali’s spotty visatn and child-support rerd, than by Chavie’s rogue behavr. The appeals judg accepted Chavie’s argument that was not the children’s terts for her to nceal her beliefs om them. They poted out that the pla language of the agreement required a Hasidic upbrgg for the <em>children</em>, but did not specify any requirements as to the behavr of the parents; nor was acceptable for a urt to pel an adult to practice a relign. The solutn was to spl the difference: Chavie was to make sure that the children drsed and acted like Hasidic kids when visg their father or attendg school, but she uld drs or act as she liked.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-4 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Chavie had been lucky, but she had also had help. Around the time of her appeal, 2017, Footsteps hired Julie F. Kay, a human-rights lawyer, who began recg attorneys om top Manhattan firms to reprent Footsteps members ctody s pro bono. For a long time, Footsteps members had been at a disadvantage urt bee they uldn’t afford to pay lawyers. Many Hasidic parents were also poor, but they uld turn to the muny for help, raisg money crowdfundg mpaigns:</p><blockquote class="BlockquoteEmbedWrapper-sc-SdiGL jPeLne paywall blockquote-embed"><div class="BlockquoteEmbedContent-RbGs gmbtPx blockquote-embed__ntent"><p>To all Jews and Communy Lears:</p><p>Sce my iend, a father of 7 children is unfortunately fell to a bter suatn after his wife was unfortunately ught the bter of FS (Footsteps) . . . . I don’t unrstand how n be that there is a group that cuts om piec and pay moni and more moni to tch souls om the Jewish people and how n be that the world isn’t shakg om all of this? . . .</p><p>I thk to myself what kd of face will the Jewish natn have if right by the breakthrough this se they will God Forbi[d] they will take over the kids wh two hands—This n never be allowed to happen—How shameful will that be?</p></div></blockquote><p class="paywall">Chavie’s se had tablished that urts uld not pel a parent to follow relig strictur; Kay hoped next to nvce the urts that pellg a parent to monor her children’s observance was not signifintly different om pellg her to be observant herself. There was, of urse, a long history of cisns relig ctody s. For stance, a judge on the Pennsylvania Supreme Court had wrten, 1990, Zummo v. Zummo: “The ernment is herently and nstutnally petent to terme whether stabily or stabily relig beliefs would be the bt terts of a child.” But state urts were unr no obligatn to fer to precents set by other jurisdictns, so each prciple that Kay hoped to tablish had to be ligated New York. One of the problems wh Rockland County urts handlg ctody s, Kay believed, was that their judg were elected, and no group Rockland County voted wh such disciple and unanimy as the Haredim.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="pmp4mh"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div data-ttid="RowWrapper" class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="iatuy"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">In the years after Chavie’s appeal, and wh the assistance of the pro-bono lawyers, Footsteps members beme more assertive: they regularly claimed that was unnstutnal to force them to adhere to relig practic they didn’t believe . The tactics uld backfire, however; judg ctody s were apt to bee irrated by lofty arguments about parents’ rights, and didn’t like to get volved disput about relign. For this reason, lawyers for the relig parents tend to ame their arguments as monsense pleas for stabily. Courts placed enormo value on stabily—as much value, sometim, as on the prervatn of a relatnship wh both parents. Gog back and forth between hoeholds wh irrencilable ctoms and beliefs ed the children to feel bewilred and lost, the lawyer for the relig parent would say. The secular parent had bee so ught up the journey of her evolvg sir that she jeopardized her children’s mental health. The Footsteps lawyer might argue that children were rilient, that they uld pe wh change. But the lawyer for the relig parent would pot out that, if the children lived a hoehold that did not nform to the norms of their group, they might be shunned at school by their classmat, and possibly expelled, which would remove one of the few nstants om their already rocky liv. And this was te.</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Two vikgs look for a parkg spot." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE gdZTpI ptn RponsiveCartoonCaptn-dokfdF hJgaLQ rponsive-rtoon__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo bsWloa ptn__text">“By the time we fd a spot, there’ll be nothg left to pillage.”</span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Sofia Warren</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Copy lk to rtoon</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in 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aria-hidn="te">Lk pied</p></div></div></div><button aria-label="Shop" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">Another factor was the feelgs of the children themselv. Once children were old enough to exprs their views, judg were cled to listen to them. Chavie’s se was unual: bee her ex-hband had been preoccupied wh his send fay durg the years she was movg away om relign, she had had time to brg her children wh her. Others were not so lucky.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">While Marie was India, she spent time wh a of her iend’s, who had a Jewish mother but a Mlim father. She had met this before, when he vised her llege, Texas, but he was several years younger than her and she hadn’t taken much notice of him. Now they bond over fay troubl, and over the difficulty of beg Jewish while havg a non-Jewish father. After she returned home, they stayed touch. Back Monsey, Marie felt hemmed by scty and gossip. She believed that her ex-hband was tryg to fd dirt on her, orr to get the kids back, and that people were watchg her on his behalf, lookg to see if she had stopped beg observant, or if she was entertag men her hoe, gettg dnk, shootg up dgs. He told people the muny that she didn’t keep kosher, that she didn’t keep Shabbos. People rammed their shoppg rts to hers at Rockland Kosher.</p><p class="paywall">She found work as a home health ai for elrly people, and tried to foc on beg a mother. She had ctody of the kids, but the one important thg that she had no ntrol over was their tn, and what she saw the yhivas alarmed her. In the long school day, ltle time was voted to secular subjects such as English and math. Many Hasidic children spoke Yiddish at home, and might leave school whout beg fluent English. Marie wanted her kids to be able to go to llege, so she hired Elana Sigall, an tnal nsultant. Sigall had found that most judg had almost no unrstandg of what went on a yhiva. They seemed to have a vague sense that Jews valued tn and therefore Jewish schools mt be rigoro; but several yhivas had told Sigall that by the ncln of their tn their boys were typilly readg English at a third- or fourth-gra level. This was not regard as a failure by the yhivas: om their pot of view, no more was necsary to live a p life.</p><p class="paywall">In Haredi divorce s, judg almost always orred that the children should stay the same school, partly to sure that one feature of the child’s life remaed stable, but also bee was extremely difficult for children to be part of a Haredi muny if they went to a public school, or even the yhiva of another group. Yhivas required adherence to a of nduct that dictated nearly every aspect of not only the children’s liv but those of the parents as well. Children attend yhiva six days a week; olr teen-age boys might be at their yhiva om eight the morng until eight at night, eatg all three meals there, gog home only to sleep. In many ways, the yhiva was a child’s third parent, wh more thory than the other two.</p><p class="paywall">Meanwhile, as Marie’s tnal petns were pendg the urt, a year after her first trip she went to India aga. She spent more time wh the , and they beme engaged, and, a year later, they married, although, for visa reasons, her hband did not move to Ameri for many months. Her children were upset that she had married a man they had never met, and Marie’s ex-hband began tellg people that Marie had married a Mlim and was no longer Jewish.</p><p class="paywall">Once this got around, the elrly people whom Marie had been takg re of didn’t want her their hom any longer, and she lost her e. At the same time, the late sprg of 2016 her landlord gave her thirty days’ notice to move out of her apartment. Her ernment hog subsidy allowed her thirty days to fd a three-bedroom apartment Monsey for fifteen hundred dollars cludg utili, which was nearly impossible. She lled iends of her ex-hband’s and begged them to help her fd somewhere to stay, but nobody did.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">This was, as she thought of , her -se-of-danger-break-the-glass moment. She had nowhere to live and no money to pay for ; the only place she had iends or fay was Texas. She had full ctody of her dghter, but she was not allowed to take her son out of the state for more than a brief trip. She nsired gog to a shelter, but she figured that a urt would hold that agast her, too— was lose eher way. So she lled her parents. Her plan, she told the kids’ yhivas, was to make some money Texas over the summer, then e back time for the next school year.</p><p class="paywall">She had to be out of her apartment by Sunday. On Friday afternoon, there was a knock on the door, and she was served wh a rtrag orr forbiddg her to take her children out of New York. Her parents were already on the road, drivg om Texas a U-Hl; she had tend for them all to leave Monsey the followg eveng, right after Shabbos. In a panic, she lled her lawyer, who told her that there was no room the shelter, but that she should on no acunt leave the state wh her kids. But she thought, Where else n I go? The next night, she piled the kids to the tck wh her parents and left.</p><p class="paywall">The day after they got to Texas, the police arrived early the morng. Marie’s ex-hband was wh them. The police got the children out of bed and took them away. Marie went to stay wh her brother, Pennsylvania, and muted to urt dat New York. The judge was outraged that Marie had ignored the orr not to leave the state, and agreed wh her ex-hband that the sudn evictn had been trmatic for the kids. The urt award her ex-hband temporary sole ctody of both children.</p><p class="paywall">In urt, Marie was prsed to prove that she hadn’t married a Mlim. Her ex-hband’s lawyer displayed photographs of her at her weddg wearg tradnal Indian cloth, wh weddg henna on her sk. The judge, sayg that she need to asss Marie’s credibily, told her that she should produce a valid ketubah to prove that her weddg was Orthodox. Although the judge had orred both parents not to disparage each other public, an associate of her ex-hband’s posted a vio onle, solicg money to pay legal fe. “He woke up and found himself alone,” a male voice narrated, English, over dramatic mic. “No wife; no kids. Thoands of away, his wife nverted to Islam and married a Mlim man. He almost lost his children forever. After a lengthy battle the urts, he now has his kids back. But that may change soon if he don’t e up wh two hundred and fifty thoand dollars for his lawyers.” Then Marie’s ex-hband appeared and plead, Yiddish, “Dear brothers, is not easy to turn to you, but what don’t a father do for his children. I’m beggg you, help me.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div data-ttid="RowWrapper" class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="tu7ip9"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">All the time she wasn’t seeg her kids, Marie kept textg her dghter, askg her what was gog on, and her dghter told her that her father’s fay was askg, Why is your mother textg so often, is she stalkg you, is she crazy? Soon the dghter began echog the same words: Are you stalkg me? Let me breathe, leave me alone. Marie found out urt that her ex-hband’s mother had told her dghter that if she talked to Marie she would be stabbg her father’s fay the back. The last time Marie talked to her dghter on the phone, her dghter said that she was a bch who had married a goy.</p><p class="paywall">For a while, Marie’s son tried to please both of his parents. He told Marie, I say whatever I have to say to Tati to make him happy. But then a rabbi at her son’s yhiva told the boy’s therapist that if he ntued to vis his mother he uld be expelled om school. The therapist told Marie that her son didn’t want to e for visatns anymore. Marie told the therapist this wasn’t te, that her son had told her how much he liked g to see her. The therapist said, “Talk to him, he’ll tell you.” Then Marie did somethg that, she realized later, stroyed the agile balance her son had tried to mata: she nonted him. As her son sat sadly, not lookg at her, she let her grief get the better of her and said to him, “What would I be whout my children? A mother, her days, her nights, her life—everythg is her children. How n I live whout you?” Later, her son’s therapist ttified that, bee the boy loved his life the muny, awardg ctody to his mother would be, for him, “a ath sentence.”</p><p class="paywall">After both of her children stopped seeg her, Marie lost any lgerg attachment to Hasidism. She stopped observg holidays except when her hband wanted to—he was more observant than she was now—although they always ma an effort to have a nice Shabbos dner. But she kept a kosher home, to make sure that, if her children ever me to vis her, she would be able to feed them. After a while, she realized that she no longer believed God.</p><p class="paywall">By the fall of 2020, she hadn’t seen eher of her children more than two years. In theory, she still had the right to visatns, but the judge had cid not to force the children to see her if they didn’t want to. Marie realized that her children had been put the posn of choosg between her and everybody else—their father, their grandparents, their s, rabbis at the temple, neighbors, iends, teachers at school, even God. She was their mother, but she was jt one person. It was eher her or their whole world.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Issac’s crisis me to a head the late summer of 2014. He and Faigy had met wh the grand rabbi May; he had cut off his <em>payos</em> about six weeks later. Then, one weekend Augt, he and Faigy were Brooklyn to spend Shabbos wh his fay. They walked to a iend’s hoe to celebrate the birth of his baby, and afterward they walked the e or so back to Issac’s parents’ hoe to jo them for lunch. It was a swelterg day, and by the time Issac got there he was so hot that he took off his fur hat and at. His father, llg him by a childhood nickname that he had always hated, said, “In my hoe, you wear that for the meal.” His father said quietly, but for some reason this mand was the one that broke him. He thought, My father liked me when I was a child; he don’t re for me as I am.</p><p class="paywall">He ran upstairs to his childhood bedroom and broke down sobbg. Faigy ran up after him, and although was Shabbos, right ont of her he went to the air-ndner and turned on. Then he took out his phone and texted a private Facebook group he was part of. Faigy was shocked by the vlatns of Shabbos, but she didn’t say anythg. She had never seen him cry like that. He stayed his room for the rt of the day, and when Shabbos was over they left the hoe.</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Tle reads The Eternal Riddle Sphx statue says Sup." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Liana Fck</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Copy lk to rtoon</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-pylk" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Copy lk to rtoon</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178637)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" 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lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">Durg the next uple of weeks, they talked about his not wantg to keep Shabbos anymore, and Faigy grew creasgly distrght. Her therapist asked Issac to e to an emergency ssn and told him, “You know what, do for your wife. You n manage twenty-four hours whout a phone.” Issac thought, She’s right, and he didn’t want to break up his marriage, so the next Shabbos he put his phone away. The followg day, Faigy said, “Never keep Shabbos for me.” She had seen how miserable he was—not at beg away om his phone but om the feelg that he had been ee and was now ged aga.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-6 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Issac had iends who vlated Shabbos all the time, watchg sports, and jt lied to their fai about . But he didn’t want to lie. The key, he realized, was his not havg given a sh when he and Faigy first met. Bee he had shown her who he really was, right om the begng, he wasn’t aaid to tell her what he was thkg, even when he knew that might upset her. As a rult, they talked about his wantg to break the l before he did. Years later, Issac would get phone lls om other men who’d been pullg away om observance but had never talked about wh their wiv, and by the time they lled him there was such a vast gulf between the person their wiv thought they were and the person they’d bee that Issac thought there was no chance of the marriag survivg, bee they were built on li.</p><p class="paywall">For years, Issac and Faigy talked about Issac’s problems wh relign. They had many paful nversatns, and they avoid other nversatns bee of how paful they would be. When Issac stopped observg, had felt, to Faigy, like the end of the world. She had been raised to fear a vengeful God, and to see her hband breakg God’s laws was to her prehensible and terrifyg. But then she went to a rabbi for advice, and the rabbi told her that she was wrong to thk of God that way—that God was a lovg God. A mentor asked her, “What is there you that you nnot accept your hband?” Gradually, she me to believe that the rabbi was right, that God was ed a lovg God, and that her terror was jt another mon om her past. She me to believe that God had given her Issac for a hband to make her unrstand what fah was really about.</p><p class="paywall">The rabbi advised her to promise for the sake of her marriage, and, over time, she let some thgs go. She stopped worryg if a ltle of her natural hair was visible unr her wig. She bought food wh a more lenient kosher certifitn. But she didn’t feel, as Issac did, that Haredi l nstricted her eedom—she felt that God’s mandments were given love, as guiposts, to form a stcture for her life. To her, was a joyful thg to be part of a muny and a relign that were larger than she was, that had been around for thoands of years.</p><p class="paywall">Faigy never told Issac not to do somethg, but she asked him not to do ont of her. Once he started gog to Footsteps meetgs, he ma secular iends, and she feared that they would pull him away om her. It was pecially ighteng that he had female iends; her world, there was no such thg as a grown man beg iends wh a woman. But, after a while, she said was O.K. wh her if he brought the secular iends to their hoe. To her, their liv seemed very hard, and she felt grateful that she had God to support her.</p><p class="paywall">As time went on, Issac beme more and more awed by her. He saw that she loved and accepted him even though many relig women would have thrown him out of the hoe and barred him om seeg his kids. He knew om talkg to other people that his suatn was vanishgly rare. He saw that, bee of her miserable childhood, Faigy appreciated his beg a lovg hband and father, spe his apostasy and whatever other failgs he had. She remembered how, at the begng of their marriage, when she was havg nightmar about her past, even though he hardly knew her then, he supported her and loved her and enuraged her to go back to therapy.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="skpl36"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div data-ttid="RowWrapper" class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="z80qn7"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Faigy believed was worse for the children to thk that their father was evil than for them to doubt that a person who broke the l would go to Hell. She and Issac explaed to the kids that there were l they had to follow, but that when they were grownups they would be able to make their own choic. She bought the children journals and told them that if anythg bothered them they should wre about before they went to sleep, and every night she read the journals and wrote back.</p><p class="paywall">Issac tried not to do anythg that would secrate Shabbos for the rt of the fay. He would have preferred to have the kids go to public school, but he didn’t ph —he knew how important was to Faigy that they be brought up to love their relign. But sometim he would poke at , jt a ltle. If the kids were prayg and addrsg God as He, he would say, “How do you know God’s not a She?” But the end he didn’t md too much if his kids were relig. Even though the blsg sung after a meal had always annoyed him—he thought was too long—he loved to hear his children sg . The bottom le was that he felt he had no right to force anythg on his kids, any more than he had a right to force anythg on Faigy, or she on him. A few people had told him that he should wre a book, and though he doubted that he would, he had a tle: “You Don’t Fuckg Own Nobody, Nobody Fuckg Owns You.”</p><p class="paywall">At some pot, they cid to buy a hoe, and, bee Issac was sick of parkg his r fifteen mut away so that if he wanted to drive on Shabbos he didn’t rile up the entire neighborhood, they end up buyg a hoe a part of Rockland County where there were very few Jewish fai. There was one observant fay nearby whose children were siar to theirs age, and they had had a meal wh them once, but then the father saw Issac drivg on Shabbos and that was the end of that. They didn’t have a synagogue muny, bee Issac didn’t pray anymore, and women their neighborhood didn’t go to synagogue except on special ocsns. They still had a few iends om Borough Park, and Issac had some secular iends om Footsteps, but they didn’t know any upl like themselv.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-7 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">They wanted to fd a place where there were like-md people livg nearby—people they uld say hi to on the street, fai whom they uld have meals wh sometim, who had kids that their kids uld play wh, and whom they didn’t have to put up a faça wh. To Issac, felt like a lot to ask. They looked at Teaneck, New Jersey, which felt right om a relig pot of view—the fai there were mostly Morn Orthodox—but the Teaneck Jews all appeared to be upper-middle-class. It seemed that everyone had gone to llege, many were doctors or lawyers. Issac had the equivalent of an eighth-gra tn and worked a supermarket; he felt that he and Faigy wouldn’t f wh people like that.</p><p class="paywall">After Issac stopped beg relig, he cid that he didn’t want to have another baby. It was hard enough to work out the relig nflicts wh the two girls they had. And what if a third child was a boy? He knew that Faigy would sist on circumcisg him, and he uldn’t tolerate the ia of a synagogue full of people celebratg the cuttg of his son’s penis. Then, when the boy was olr, people would expect Issac to take him to synagogue on Saturdays, and he wasn’t gog to do , and that would be another source of misery for Faigy, every sgle week. But he told Faigy that if she wanted to talk about they should talk about , and, every now and aga, they did. He saw how much she wanted another baby, and sometim he would say to himself, or to his therapist, “Wouldn’t be wonrful if I told her we should have one?” But then he thought, I don’t want another baby, and ’s not right to have an unwanted baby—pleasg Faigy is not a good enough reason. For a year, he thought about and thought about , workg through his own objectns. He thought that if they had a boy they uld circumcise him a doctor’s office, wh no people. Fally, he realized that he was ready, and he told Faigy. The baby me, and was a girl.</p><p class="paywall">The experience of havg the baby astonished him. It was different om anythg he had experienced before. “It’s amazg,” he kept sayg, as he looked at the baby’s face. “It’s amazg.” He thought, I gus this is how is meant to be—makg a baby wh love. He and Faigy had loved each other before, but havg the first two babi hadn’t been a cisn—they did what they were supposed to do and the babi me. This time, was nsc. Issac remembered that his father had told him before his weddg that durg sex you should thk of holy thgs, so that your child would be holy, and he thought, This baby is the culmatn of our five-year stggle. Every day I see her and I thk, She is our love. ♦</p><p class="paywall">A prev versn of this story misintified the speaker who asked Faigy why she uld not accept her hband.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="6cu2xcw"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div 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class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">The World of Bs</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">What Happens to All the Stuff We Return?</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div 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class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">The Weekend Essay</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Lows of the High Life</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Lows of the High Life" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">I had never had money, and then I did. For three days New York, I learned how not to e .</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Andre Dub III</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Why Sarah Jsi Parker Keeps Playg Carrie Bradshaw" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Profil</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Why Sarah Jsi Parker Keeps Playg Carrie Bradshaw</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Why Sarah Jsi Parker Keeps Playg Carrie Bradshaw" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">In all of her profsnal enavors, cludg the “Sex and the Cy” anchise, Parker nsirs herself a “bter enr.”</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div 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the gay rabbi medford

Contents:

MEET THE GAY RABBI

Hey folks, 's me, The Gay Rabbi, back briefly to let you know I ma this webse. JERUSALEM (JTA) — A gay rabbil stunt nied ordatn by a liberal semary New York was weled to the rabbate Jesalem, breakg a longstandg taboo agast homosexualy the Orthodox muny.

Many young gay Orthodox Jews who would have prevly left the fold are stayg “and ’s almost unimagable for them to not have a place, ” he ntued.

The Renstctnist and Reform movements began ordag gay rabbis the 1980s, wh the Conservative movement followg 2006. For his part, Lans do not believe that the Biblil prohibn of same-sex relatns appli to people for whom homosexualy is “not an act of voln” and thks that there is room for LGBT Jews the wir muny. Rabbi Nathan Lop Cardozo, another proment rabbi who has ocsnally e to nflict wh the Orthodox mastream, agreed wh Lans, tellg JTA that while he didn’t have a rabbic source to back up, he believ that “the prohibn [on homosexual acts] only appli to those who are purely heterosexual.

FIRST OPENLY GAY ORTHODOX RABBI ORDAED JESALEM

Assertg that Orthodox views of homosexualy have been slowly changg, he said that there is a new awarens that “they’re not pedophil, they’re not people of falsehood or whatever, they’re good people.

Lans said that the genis of his transformatn om the mastream Orthodox posn, which views homosexualy as a grave s, me several s ago after he explaed to members of his own ngregatn the Uned Stat why he had cled to attend a nference anized by the Central Conference of Amerin Rabbis after the Reform-affiliated group passed a rolutn on LGBT cln. And while the rabbi ially uldn’t image gay Jews wantg to rema the Orthodox muny, let alone bee Jewish scholars unr s spic, he now has a different view.

GAY RABBIS

“I thk we will start wh the gay muny self and if there is the abily to create a real muny on the relig level will lead to acceptance or maybe will be limed for a long perd, ” he said. The Renstctnist Rabbil Associatn has elected an openly gay rabbi to lead the natnal rabbic Jason Kle, the executive director of Hillel at the Universy of Maryland, Baltimore County, sce 2006, was elected to lead the RRA durg s 39th annual nventn New Orleans, which end on Wednday. It is the first natnal rabbic associatn of one of the major Jewish nomatns the Uned Stat to be led by a gay man, acrdg to the was ordaed by the Renstctnist Rabbil Council 2002 and graduated om Columbia Universy 1997.

Two years after Israel’s Masorti (Conservative) Movement approved the ordatn of gay and lbian rabbis, the natn’s first homosexual Masorti rabbi has taken his place at the pulp. So he went to New York, where he spent four years workg toward both a rabbil ordatn and an MA Talmud and Halacha (Jewish Law) om the Jewish Theologil Semary, which has been ordag openly gay and lbian stunts the Conservative Jewish movement sce 2007. Israel’s Masorti Movement shifted s own stance two years later, unrollg a landmark lg April 2012 that paved the way for Israeli-traed lbian and gay rabbis to jo the Conservative movement here.

Asked if he thks his prence the synagogue will draw more LGBT members to the ngregatn, Goldste says he tly thks will not make a difference, as the Masorti movement has already mted self to supportg and embracg gay and lbians at every level. (JTA) — You uld ll bashert: 15 years after a landmark cisn Judaism’s Conservative movement that paved the way for gay and lbian stunts to enter s rabbil schools and for rabbis to perform same-sex weddgs, would seem like sty that two Conservative rabbis would wed.

MAJOR US JEWISH GROUP ELECTS 1ST OPENLY GAY RABBI

The Conservative movement adopted legal lgs signed to make gay and lbian Jews “feel accepted and weled” s synagogu and muni.

Now, openly gay Conservative rabbis work a variety of settgs — and while many have married, cludg to others who work the Jewish world, none so far have paired off as Rosen and Walker did.

But, I thought, “I am sure that I will not only be weled wh open arms, but I will fd a lovg muny who n help mol for me beg a gay rabbil stunt, and subsequently a gay rabbi…right? I soon disvered, at least for my first year, I was the only openly gay stunt on mp; my therapist always tells me that ’s important to note openly gay, bee you never know, and I do appreciate her optimism.

ISRAEL’S FIRST GAY MASORTI RABBI TAK THE PULP

Somehow by flt, I beme a halutz (a pneer), the very inty I had hoped to avoid when I chose to be a gay rabbil stunt the Reform world, as opposed to the Conservative Ccnati, I had to actively thk about how to navigate all of my inti wh a limed support work.

AM I A GAY RABBI, OR AM I A RABBI WHO IS GAY?

In my personal statement, I told a story of buildg a relatnship wh a ngregant a muny Northwt Florida who was ially hant about havg an openly gay rabbil stunt; the fact that I had not yet mentned my sexualy to that muny, but rather had been outed by my precsor is a whole other story. I was told that foreground my sexualy too much: It showed me as “the gay rabbi” more than “Ari who is gay”…and also holds many other inti and tras, of equal value and import.

JEWISH EDIAN MODI ROSENFELD, A MASTAY FOR ORTHODOX DIENC, IS GAY. SO WHAT?

While this is certaly te, felt strange to hear om – mostly straight – iends, lleagu, and teachers that would behoove me to “tamp down the gay. Bryan Lowr lamented how some public figur have taken to g out by statg that beg gay is only but one small part of who they are, not their whole sence.

THE OPENLY GAY RABBI WHO’S WORKG TO CHANGE THE FACE OF JUDAISM

Steven Greenberg, the first openly gay Orthodox rabbi, tells Libby Brooks how he squar his sexualy wh his fahWhen, at the age of 20, Steven Greenberg discsed his attractn to men as well as women for the first time, his relig unsellor offered a surprisg and optimistic terpretatn of his prediment.

" That embattled young man is now Rabbi Steven Greenberg, the world's first openly gay Orthodox rabbi. And sce his early stggl to align his sexualy wh his relign, the 46-year-old has worked to ensure that the wele he received then be extend to all those lbians and gay men who wish to enjoy human timacy whout beg forced to abandon the muni they love. "People blame relign for homophobia, " he begs, "but a pre-morn Jewish rabbi would say that this is one s among many.

The taboo of homosexualy is actually que ntemporary, but tends to mobilise religns s service. " And nant wh this is his sense that the gay rights movement n expand wh, rather than distance self om, relig orthodoxy.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* THE GAY RABBI MEDFORD

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