I married a gay man | SELF

Contents:

• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• ONE OF N.L.'S FIRST MARRIED GAY UPL LOOK BACK WH PRI

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

"It's nobody that I knew� was mostly oral sex� jt happened� At gay bars, there are back rooms wh hol the walls�" A wave of nsea swept over me as I listened to his agonized nfsn. At that moment, I felt as if I were standg alone the world, stripped of all digny, wh a big sign on me that read movie Brokeback Mounta turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double liv, havg sex wh other men while they are married to women.

That means there are a large number of women who have no ia what their hband do perdilly see stori about married men public life who are gay or have been implited homosexual behavr—such as Senator Larry Craig (R—Idaho), who was arrted last summer for allegedly solicg a male police officer an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey ernor Jam McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay Amerin" when he announced his rignatn om office. Bee I've lived are so many obv qutns for a wife like me: Didn't I realize he was gay?

Early our relatnship, Chris told me he'd had homosexual experienc as a teenager but assured me was youthful cursy. I didn't thk there was anythg wrong wh beg gay—I have an openly gay . But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive—too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lyg to his wife, his iends, his fay and begngI was a 19-year-old llege hman Kentucky when I met Chris.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Chris's father was a Southern Baptist mister who preached fire and brimstone, and Chris was tght that beg gay was the ultimate s—an absolute sentence to unual thgs happened on our first date. Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me aga, sayg, "No matter what you hear, I'm not gay.

" In fact, I had heard other stunts say that everyone his aterny was gay.

But the world we lived , people often claimed a guy was gay if he wasn't a jock or really macho, so I didn't want to judge someone bee of who his iends were and what he did. Bis, he'd taken a girl—me—out on a date, so how uld he be gay?

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

At a party wh his work iends, I got to an argument wh a woman who'd been drkg, and she said, out of the blue, "Well, at least my hband's not gay. Later that eveng, when I told Chris what happened, he remd me that he'd always been teased about beg gay, but he assured me, "It's not te.

He beme fensive and announced, "I haven't gone to bed wh anybody, but I've been gog to gay bars.

If anyone found out that Chris was gay, he uld be fired. As ual, I didn't dwell on my emotns; I foced more on my fay's well-beg than on what the future might wonr why Chris uldn't accept his homosexualy, but the s factor was graed him at an early age. Beg gay would not only endanger his job and fay life, uld also st him his relatnship wh his parents, his church and God.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Chris feared that g out would validate him as a human beg—and might even send him to therapist doubted the marriage uld survive, yet I was dited to our unn if Chris was termed not to be gay.

ONE OF N.L.'S FIRST MARRIED GAY UPL LOOK BACK WH PRI

The therapist told Chris that he'd have to stop gog to gay bars, and we tried, aga, to start ah. It was the worst time of my only thg that saved my sany was the Straight Spoe Network, an ternatnal support group found by another woman who'd been married to a gay man.

I also learned that a surprisg number of gays the ary are married bee marriage is such a eful ont. You n't be gay the ary, and if you're married, then of urse you're not was still livg wh (sleepg the spare room) when, through SSN, I met my ultimate soul mate, a father of three who had been married to a lbian. One night, a rage, he lled my parents and told them, "I'm gay and I've been gog out wh men, but she's screwg around wh another guy.

In the town I'm om, leavg a homosexual hband was too sndalo. My mother even suggted that I try different thgs sexually to keep Chris terted and mentned that Chris uld take meditn to weaken his onI often joke about wrg a book lled The Girliend's Gui to NOT Marryg a Gay Man, bee I should have tsted my stcts om the start. I see now that many gay spo genuely believe they are dog the right thg by gettg married, bee they are lyg to themselv more than soul mate and I got married the year after our divorc beme fal, when I was 34.