When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• I WAS MARRIED WH 2 KIDS WHEN I REALIZED I’M GAY
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• THE HIDN GAY LIV FALLY BEG UNVERED
• THE WIV WHO DISVERED THEY WERE GAY
• WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU THK YOUR WIFE IS GAY?
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• LBIAN HBANDS AND GAY WIV: THE GENRG OF GAY DIVORCELBIAN HBANDS AND GAY WIV: THE GENRG OF GAY DIVORCE
• IS IT GAY HBAND? LBIAN WIFE? OR WHAT?

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay.

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay.

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.

I WAS MARRIED WH 2 KIDS WHEN I REALIZED I’M GAY

He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. The steam room and sna at my lol Y served as a kd of after-work social club for men who were gay ― and for those who had wiv and kids.

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

THE HIDN GAY LIV FALLY BEG UNVERED

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

THE WIV WHO DISVERED THEY WERE GAY

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU THK YOUR WIFE IS GAY?

What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. I was nsumed by the p my stomach – the shame of endg my marriage bee I was gay was like luggg a sandbag over my shoulrs and havg a rock my stomach at the same time.

I wasn’t sure how to tell my nservative, Geia-born and bred parents that their former pageant queen dghter was endg her marriage bee she is gay.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

I wasn’t brave enough to actually say the words – the label of beg gay or a lbian was too much for my soul to bear at the time – so I sent her a text msage, “I am not straight.

Democratic printial ndidate Pete Buttigieg – who, like me, is his late 30s and, like me, me out publicly jt a few years ago – put this way: “It’s hard to face the tth that there were tim my life when, if you had shown me exactly what was si me that ma me gay, I would have cut out wh a knife.

LBIAN HBANDS AND GAY WIV: THE GENRG OF GAY DIVORCELBIAN HBANDS AND GAY WIV: THE GENRG OF GAY DIVORCE

Among the upl, when the gay, lbian, or bisexual partner out, a third of the upl break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then spl; the remag third try to make their marriag work.

IS IT GAY HBAND? LBIAN WIFE? OR WHAT?

I thk you need to talk to her about , maybe she is bi or gay and if she is then there is nothg you n do about , if you have a threome make clear that is a one off and that is not ok for your wife to go off and see this girl for sex etc whout you. Society's creasg acceptance of gays and lbians and the Supreme Court lg June that legalized same-sex marriage have foced attentn on sexual orientatn. "The gay or lbian, bisexual and transgenr people were told by their church or muni or parents or fai that the right thg to do is to marry someone of the oppose genr, and most of them love the people they marry, " she says.

But when I heard people ravg about the show, wrten by Rsell T Davi, I was stck by how many of them admted to knowg ltle about the epimic – and the stctn wreaked among the gay muny. That’s bee, even today's much more acceptg society, the history of the gay and lbian muny is largely a fotten history.