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class="photo_cred"><span>image by Stt Bakal / </span></div> </div></div></div> </div> <article id="article_ntent" class="prose prose-primary prose-base dark:prose-vert md:prose-lg prose-headgs:font-semibold prt:prose-sm text-[#222222] marker:text-[#222222] dark:text-bunker-200 dark:marker:text-bunker-200 max-w-none mx-to lg:mx-36"> <p><span class="3-wordtroserif">I me out to my mother a letter.</span> I was 28. “I was born this way,” I wrote, followg wh the most shatterg high note of self-loathg I n thk of: “If there were a straight pill,” I lamented, “I’d swallow faster than you n say the word <i>gay</i>.”</p><p>I didn’t mean eher of the thgs. I said them bee I knew they would elic py and absolve my mother of the belief that her parentg was to blame for my same-sex attractns.<br/>It worked. Five years later, my mother ntu to talk about my lbianism as if were a geic fect like Down syndrome–a parallel she’s actually drawn–bee clearly, her md, no one would choose such a ttable and challengg state of beg.</p><p>This is not a msage I’m proud to have sent. Contrary to how I actually feel about my sexualy, suggts that I’m drowng a sea of self-disgt, sperately graspg for a heterosexual lifeboat to sail my way out of . But would my mother have been as sympathetic and tolerant if she thought I had a choice the matter? Would nservative alli support if they believed we uld help ?</p><p>If the answer is no, and I believe is, what do say about our self-worth and stat society if we, as gay people, mt practice a polics of py to secure our place the world? It says, for one, that we don’t have a place at the table. It says that we are tolerated, but not accepted. It says, ultimately, that ’s time to change our rhetoric.</p><p>Until homosexualy is st and unrstood as a valid choice, rather than a blogil afflictn, we will never rise above our current stat. We will rema Mother Nature’s mistake, tolerable (to some) bee our ndn is her flt, not ours.</p><p>By choice, I don’t mean that one n choose one’s sexual propensi any more than one n choose one’s personaly. What I mean is that ’s a choice to act on every sire we have, and that actg on our same-sex attractns is jt as valid as pursug a passn for the Christian fah or Judaism or any other spirual, tellectual, emotnal, or physil cravg that do not ge on the rights of others. And should be rpected as such.</p><p>As a firm Ksey 6–wh 6 beg the gayt rankg on sexologist Aled Ksey’s 1-to-6 sle of sexual orientatn–I unrstand the ristance to puttg <i>choice</i> and <i>homosexualy</i> the same sentence. My same-sex attractns were awakened me at such a young age that they felt as much a part of me as my limbs. In the late 1990s, when I was g out, had someone told me that I had chosen my ept, most tenr and passnate affectns, would have been like tellg me that I had chosen the arms and legs I have.</p><p>But I have plenty of sir, like throwg my fists the fac of nservative Republins, which for one reason or another, I don’t act on; my sire for women is not one of them. Blogy is not sty, and I am the archect of my own life, as is everyone. My pot is not to challenge or even enter the bate about whether or not some batn of nature and nurture ntribut to the formatn of an clatn toward one’s own sex. My pot is that most quiri to the origs of homosexualy are spect, and their service to is limed, if not perilo.</p><p>A polics of <i>choice</i> would be one that regards same-sex sire enough to announce as a nsc cisn rather than a pretermed abnormaly. No matter how bumpy the ri or long the journey, <i>choice</i> as a polil strategy is the only ri out of Freaksville.</p><p>Forty years ago, gay activists had a siar view, takg their cu om radil lbian femists who believed that heterosexualy and homosexualy were products of culture, not nature. “In the absence of opprsn and social ntrol,” wr historian John D’E, gay liberatnists believed that “sexualy would be polymorpho”–fluid, other words. Back then they talked about “sexual preference,” which impli choice, as opposed to “sexual orientatn,” which do not.</p><p>It wasn’t until the 1970s that the mental health tablishment and s gay alli put forth the view that homosexualy is a permanent psychologil ndn and bunked the notn that was a mental illns need of a cure. Then me the 1980s and 1990s and a slew of shoddy and nclive scientific rearch on the blogil origs of gayns, rercg the belief that sexualy is prested. Both psychologil and medil disurs formed today’s domant paradigm, which sists that sexualy is born and immutable.</p><p><span class="3-wordtroserif">The LGBT activists<strong></strong></span>who have helped nstct this sexual amework are neher lazy nor naive their thkg, as D’E pots out his say “Born Gay?,” a crisp se agast the polics of blogil termism. As a polil strategy, has helped reap enormo benefs, om antidiscrimatn legislatn to adoptn rights some stat and civil unns others. The reasons this mol of sexualy is polilly expedient and effective are threefold.</p><p>First, if sexualy is unrstood as prested and therefore fixed, pos ls of a challenge to the hetero monolh than do a shiftg spectm of sire. It protects straight people, other words, om the threat of homosexualy. Send, by prentg homosexualy as a blogil fact as firm and absolute as race or sex, gay activists have formed an inty the law n regnize and n follow the footsteps of civil rights legislatn. Third, ’s nceptually easier to unrstand sexualy as a permanent tra rather than the plex, ever-morphg ms that often is.</p><p>But for all the succs this polics has had, the end, ’s not only shortsighted but rife wh limatns–and dangers. As lbian activist Joan Ntle told me, ’s not good polics to clg to the “born gay” edict bee “the e of blogil ‘abnormali’ was ed by the Nazis when they measured the nostril thickns of imprisoned Jews to prove they were an ferr race; and when lonizers measured the bras of Ains to make a se for their enslavement; and when doctors at the turn of the century ed the argument that the light weight of women’s bras proved their ferry to men. I do not want to enter to this sad history of blogil humanizatn as the basis for gay rights.”</p><p>All the studi that gay sympathizers and activists voke to jtify our right to same-sex love st homosexualy as a loud hiccup at the dner table of normaly. As such, we’re put on par wh other unsirable viatns om nature’s norm, tntg genics wh the keys to elimatg . This is the ugly unrbelly of our blogy-centered claims to human rights.</p><p>The typil nservative asslt on homosexualy sts as a sful choice that n be unchosen through a mment to God and reparative therapy. And the left ually slams to this simplistic polemic by takg up the oppose stance: Homosexualy is not a choice, and bee we n’t help , ’s not sful.</p><p>By affirmg that homosexual practice and inty <i>are</i> a choice, we n attach an adndum–’s a good choice–and open the possibily of a more nuanced argument, one that dismantl the logic of the very premise that whom we choose to love marks as sful and immoral and terrogat the assumptn that heterosexualy is somehow better for the dividual and society as a whole.</p><p>In my nservative Republin fay, signs already pot to a kd of reads to engage homosexualy as a legimate cisn. Recently, I lled my mother California to throw out my “born-gay-py-me” garbage. She didn’t swallow my pill of choice wh ease, but managed to ugh up an exasperated, “Well, whatever mak you happy.” That’s one down and a natn to go.</p><p><b><i></i></b></p><p><b><i></i></b></p><p><i>Stephanie Fairygton is a eelance journalist who wr on genr and sexualy. Excerpted om</i> Dissent<i> (Wter 2010), a provotive, opnated journal of polics and culture sce 1954.</i><b><i><a href=" target="_blank"></a></i></b></p> </article> <div id="related_articl_panel" class="hidn"><div class="clear-both w-full lg:w-[300px] lg:float-left mr-6 mb-4 bg-gray-50 dark:bg-bunker-925/50 round-lg divi-y divi-gray-200 dark:divi-bunker-925 prt:hidn"><div class="flex flex-l mt-0 py-3 px-4 lg:leadg-loose"><span class="p-0 m-0 text-xl lg:text-[1.35rem] lg:leadg-[1.85rem] font-bold text-primary">Related Articl</span></div><div class="divi-y divi-gray-200 dark:divi-bunker-925"><a href=" class="block p-4 !no-unrle hover:bg-gray-100 dark:hover:bg-bunker-925/75 group last:round-bl-lg last:round-br-lg"> <div class="grid grid-ls-4 gap-3"> <div class="l-span-1"> <div class="aspect-w-6 aspect-h-4 lg:aspect-w-3 lg:aspect-h-3"> <img class="lazy w-full h-full object-ver round-lg bg-gray-300 dark:bg-bunker-925 !m-0 !p-0" alt="It Gets Better (Unls You’re Foster Care)" data-src="> </div> </div> <div class="l-span-3 flex flex-l"> <span class="text-base text-gray-600 dark:text-bunker-200 leadg-tight font-semibold le-clamp-2">It Gets Better (Unls You’re Foster Care)</span> <span class="text-sm text-gray-400 dark:text-bunker-400 le-clamp-2">Dan Savage's It Gets Better vio project is givg gay teens hope, but enuragg words aren't enough for youths bouncg between foster hom....</span> </div> </div> </a><a href=" class="block p-4 !no-unrle hover:bg-gray-100 dark:hover:bg-bunker-925/75 group last:round-bl-lg last:round-br-lg"> <div class="grid grid-ls-4 gap-3"> <div class="l-span-1"> <div class="aspect-w-6 aspect-h-4 lg:aspect-w-3 lg:aspect-h-3"> <img class="lazy w-full h-full object-ver round-lg bg-gray-300 dark:bg-bunker-925 !m-0 !p-0" alt="Asexual: Beyond Gay, Straight, and Bisexual" data-src="> </div> </div> <div class="l-span-3 flex flex-l"> <span class="text-base text-gray-600 dark:text-bunker-200 leadg-tight font-semibold le-clamp-2">Asexual: Beyond Gay, Straight, and Bisexual</span> <span class="text-sm text-gray-400 dark:text-bunker-400 le-clamp-2">People aren’t all straight, gay, or bisexual. 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But my timatn, all of the people askg this qutn are revealg that they are major fuddy-duddi...</span> </div> </div> </a></div></div></div> <div id="URTK_Article_300x250" data-opi="article_ad" class="lazyload" data-ad-slot="URTK_Article_300x250"> <script type="text/javascript"> (functn() { googletag.display('URTK_Article_300x250'); }); </script> </div> <div class="clear-both flex flex-row ems-center md:ems-center mt-4 py-4 borr-t borr-b borr-gray-200 dark:borr-bunker-925 prt:hidn"> <div class="flex-1 flex flex-l text-base pr-2"> <div class="text-base mb-2 text-gray-500 dark:text-bunker-300"> <ul class="flex flex-l lg:flex-row space-x-0 lg:space-x-2 lg:space-y-0"> <li>Published on Apr 6, 2010</li> </ul> </div> <div class="flex"> <div class="grid grid-ls-4 md:grid-ls-5 gap-1 prt:hidn"> <a href="mailto:?subject=The Gay Optn& rel="noopener" class="flex ems-center jtify-center bg-[#5fb281] hover:bg-[#5fb281] hover:bg-opacy-75 text-whe dark:text-bunker-950 p-1 round-full w-7"> <span class="sr-only">Email</span> <svg class="w-5 h-5 md:w-5.5 md:h-5.5" fill="none" stroke="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 24 24" xmlns="><path stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" stroke-width="2" d="M3 8l7.89 5.26a2 2 0 002.22 0L21 8M5 19h14a2 2 0 002-2V7a2 2 0 00-2-2H5a2 2 0 00-2 2v10a2 2 0 002 2z"></path></svg> </a> <a href=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" class="ems-center jtify-center bg-[#5b8cba] hover:bg-[#5b8cba] hover:bg-opacy-75 text-whe dark:text-bunker-950 p-1 round-full hidn md:flex w-7"> <span class="sr-only">Prt</span> <svg class="w-5 h-5 md:w-5.5 md:h-5.5" fill="transparent" stroke="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 24 24" xmlns="><path stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" stroke-width="2" d="M17 17h2a2 2 0 002-2v-4a2 2 0 00-2-2H5a2 2 0 00-2 2v4a2 2 0 002 2h2m2 4h6a2 2 0 002-2v-4a2 2 0 00-2-2H9a2 2 0 00-2 2v4a2 2 0 002 2zm8-12V5a2 2 0 00-2-2H9a2 2 0 00-2 2v4h10z"></path></svg> </a> <a href=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" class="flex ems-center jtify-center text-[#1877F2] hover:text-[#1877F2] hover:text-opacy-75"> <span class="sr-only">Facebook</span> <svg class="w-6 h-6 md:w-7 md:h-7" fill="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 24 24" xmlns="><tle>Facebook</tle><path d="M24 12.073c0-6.627-5.373-12-12-12s-12 5.373-12 12c0 5.99 4.388 10.954 10.125 11.854v-8.385H7.078v-3.47h3.047V9.43c0-3.007 1.792-4.669 4.533-4.669 1.312 0 2.686.235 2.686.235v2.953H15.83c-1.491 0-1.956.925-1.956 1.874v2.25h3.328l-.532 3.47h-2.796v8.385C19.612 23.027 24 18.062 24 12.073z"/></svg> </a> <a href="// Gay Optn" data-p-do="buttonP" data-p-ctom="te" class="flex ems-center jtify-center text-[#BD081C] hover:text-[#BD081C] hover:text-opacy-75"> <span class="sr-only">Ptert</span> <svg class="w-6 h-6 md:w-7 md:h-7" fill="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 24 24" xmlns="><path d="M12.017 0C5.396 0 .029 5.367.029 11.987c0 5.079 3.158 9.417 7.618 11.162-.105-.949-.199-2.403.041-3.439.219-.937 1.406-5.957 1.406-5.957s-.359-.72-.359-1.781c0-1.663.967-2.911 2.168-2.911 1.024 0 1.518.769 1.518 1.688 0 1.029-.653 2.567-.992 3.992-.285 1.193.6 2.165 1.775 2.165 2.128 0 3.768-2.245 3.768-5.487 0-2.861-2.063-4.869-5.008-4.869-3.41 0-5.409 2.562-5.409 5.199 0 1.033.394 2.143.889 2.741.099.12.112.225.085.345-.09.375-.293 1.199-.334 1.363-.053.225-.172.271-.401.165-1.495-.69-2.433-2.878-2.433-4.646 0-3.776 2.748-7.252 7.92-7.252 4.158 0 7.392 2.967 7.392 6.923 0 4.135-2.607 7.462-6.233 7.462-1.214 0-2.354-.629-2.758-1.379l-.749 2.848c-.269 1.045-1.004 2.352-1.498 3.146 1.123.345 2.306.535 3.55.535 6.607 0 11.985-5.365 11.985-11.987C23.97 5.39 18.592.026 11.985.026L12.017 0z"/></svg> </a> <a href=" Gay Optn class="flex ems-center jtify-center text-[#1DA1F2] hover:text-[#1DA1F2] hover:text-opacy-75"> <span class="sr-only">Twter</span> <svg class="w-6 h-6 md:w-7 md:h-7" fill="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 24 24" xmlns="><tle>Twter.