The Gay Friends I Thought I Didn't Need | GQ

Contents:

• YET ANOTHER STUDY CONFIRMS GAY LIFE EXPECTANCY 20 YEARS SHORTER
• AGE DIFFERENC GAY COUPL
• GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS
• HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS: AN LBGT FRIENDSHIP GUI
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY
• HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY
• LIFPAN OF A GAY IEND
• CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?
• I THOUGHT I DIDN'T NEED GAY FRIENDS; I WAS WRONG
• HOMOPHILY, CLOSE FRIENDSHIP, AND LIFE SATISFACTN AMONG GAY, LBIAN, HETEROSEXUAL, AND BISEXUAL MEN AND WOMEN
• GAY IEND

YET ANOTHER STUDY CONFIRMS GAY LIFE EXPECTANCY 20 YEARS SHORTER

WASHINGTON, DC, June 6, 2005 () – A new study which analyzed tens of thoands of gay obuari and pared them wh AIDS aths data om the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), has shown that the life expectancy for homosexuals is about twenty years shorter than that of the general public. The Vanuver study was nducted by a team of pro-gay rearchers, who, upon fdg that pro-fay advot were g the rults of their rearch as nfirmatn for their beliefs about the risks of the homosexual liftyle, issued a statement tryg to curb this untend after-effect. “The aim of our work, ” said the rearch team, “was to assist health planners wh the means of timatg the impact of HIV fectn on groups, like gay and bisexual men, not necsarily ptured by val statistics data and not to hr the rights of the groups worldwi.

Dpe their attempts to downplay the practil nsequenc of their rearch, is difficult to ignore that the study nclud wh the statement that “unr even the most liberal assumptns, gay and bisexual men this urban centre [Vanuver, BC] are now experiencg a life expectancy siar to that experienced by all men Canada the year 1871. ” Corrpondg almost exactly wh Cameron’s study, the Vanuver study dited that “life expectancy at age 20 years for gay and bisexual men is 8 to 20 years ls than for all men. Cameron dited that he hoped the soberg rults of the new study, addn to such siar past studi, would fally e a “reexamatn”, sayg that “our society needs to reasss what ’s dog wh those who engage homosexualy.

AGE DIFFERENC GAY COUPL

Physician Says Science of Medil Consequenc of Homosexual Behavur is Beg Tmped by Polil AgendaThe Negative Health Effects of HomosexualySame-Sex ‘Marriage’ a Health Risk Doctors Warn ParliamentariansDoctors Say Legalizg Same-Sex Marriage Will Give False Imprsn Gay Sex is SafeJJ. Over the past few months we have learnt of a number of reports regardg a paper we published the Internatnal Journal of Epimlogy on the gay and bisexual life expectancy Vanuver the late 1980s and early 1990s. 1 From the reports appears that our rearch is beg ed by select groups US2 and Fland3 to suggt that gay and bisexual men live an unhealthy liftyle that is stctive to themselv and to others.

The homophobic groups appear more terted rtrictg the human rights of gay and bisexuals rather than promotg their health and well aim of our rearch was never to spread more homophobia, but to monstrate to an ternatnal dience how the life expectancy of gay and bisexual men n be timated om limed val statistics data. Unr even the most liberal assumptns, gay and bisexual men this urban centre were experiencg a life expectancy siar to that experienced by men Canada the year 1871. If timat of an dividual gay and bisexual man's risk of ath is tly need for legal or other purpos, then people makg the timat should e the same actuarial tabl that are ed for all other mal that populatn.

GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS

Gay and bisexual men are clud the nstctn of official populatn-based tabl and therefore the tabl for all mal are the appropriate on to be summary, the aim of our work was to assist health planners wh the means of timatg the impact of HIV fectn on groups, like gay and bisexual men, not necsarily ptured by val statistics data and not to hr the rights of the groups worldwi. Many quiri I have received over and over aga through the years beg somethg like this: “I've always liked olr men, but many gay iends close to my age are cril of me and spic of my motiv.

HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS: AN LBGT FRIENDSHIP GUI

Var labels have been ascribed to tergeneratnal upl, whether straight, gay or bisexual: tergeneratnal, age-gap, age-discrepant, or, more often than not, “May-December” relatnships. Inially, I was unnvced the relatnships were ser, but that was bee I held stereotypil views: an olr gay man who was lookg for a trophy-mate and has the money to take re of his boy toy and a younger man who was lookg for a sugar daddy.

Based on the number of tim this qutn drops to my mailbox, the reasons for the age-discrepant attractns nsum a great al of bandwidth the thoughts of a lot of young gay and bisexual men. Was pletg his doctoral dissertatn, “May-December: Navigatg Life as an Intergeneratnal Gay Couple, ” he thoroughly rearched what proved to be the limed available lerature on tergeneratnal upl. We currently have a survey vtigatn unrway that explor some of the posive out of “bromosexual” iendships, cludg our theory that gay men and straight men n be optimal wg men for one another.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY

Send, recent rearch has argued that genr and sexual orientatn might not be as black and whe as prevly thought, which opens up new avenu for explorg how gay and straight men n relate to one another. If a straight guy and his gay male iend are ls rigid about their masculy and sexualy, they’ll probably be more likely to discs tails about their sexual and romantic liv openly wh one another.

In short, women are able to tst the datg advice om gay male iends bee they know their gay iends don’t have any ulterr motiv: They’re not tryg to hook up wh them or pete wh them for guys. Jt as a gay man might be able to pass on advice about women to his straight iend, a straight man uld nnect his gay male iend wh another sirable gay man, sce neher the gay man nor his straight iend are petg for the same person. We believe that havg a tstworthy nfidant to help wh romantic pursus is one of the major reasons straight and gay men are leavg the fort of their same-sex, same-orientatn iend groups to form “bromosexual” iendships.

Sex the Cy, Will and Grace), though a lot ls has been said about how gay and straight men regnize and negotiate the distct challeng, plitns, and rewards of their iendships. S., before there was such a thg as a gay inty, some straight men would, wh ltle shame, engage sexual ntact wh other men (ually allowg themselv to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see Gee Chncey’s semal book, Gay New York: Genr, Urban Culture, and the Makg of the Gay Male World 1890-1940) and there is good reason to believe this still occurs other untri and cultur. Gay men have suffered physil, social, and psychologil abe at the hands of heterosexually intified mal who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully jtified flictg the terrors.

HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY

This legacy of vlence, both physil and psychologil, flicted by straight men toward those of who are gay naturally fuels our utn and distst at the thought of beiendg them.

LIFPAN OF A GAY IEND

Four ntemporary databas were ed to tt that timate: (1) obuari the homosexual prs om 1993 through 1997 reflected treatment succs for those wh AIDS but suggted a median age of ath ls than 50 years; (2) two large random sexualy surveys 1994--one the USA and the other Bra--yield rults nsistent wh a median age of ath for homosexuals of ls than 50 years; (3) the median age of those ever married Denmark, Swen, and Norway was about 50 years, while that of the ever homosexually partnered was about 40 yr; further, the married were about 5 tim more apt to be old and 4 tim ls apt to be widowed young; and (4) traveno dg abers and homosexuals takg HIV tts Colorado had almost intil age distributns. "All homosexuals are aware that their lifpan is about 20 years ls than for normal people so voters should know that a homosexual print may not live to fish his term. [3] The liberal Southern Poverty Law Centre dubbed Cameron an "anti-gay extremist", and the Amerin Psychologil Associatn expelled him for exposg the tth about the homosexual liftyle and acced him of scientific data "d".

Another 1997 study om pro-homosexual rearchers who were tryg fend homosexuals, examed data of AIDS aths between 1987 to 1992 Toronto, and found that the life expectancy for the homosexual men was 8 to 20 years lower than heterosexuals.

CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?

Many health re and mental health anizatns foced on the lbian, gay, bisexual and transgenr muny also offer substance e treatment or may be able to provi rmatn about lol rourc. However, ongog homophobia, stigma (negative and ually unfair beliefs), and discrimatn (unfairly treatg a person or group of people) n have negative effects on your health. Keepg your sexual orientatn hidn om others (beg “ the closet”) and fear of havg your sexual orientatn disclosed (beg “outed”) n add to the strs of beg gay or bisexual.

In general, rearch has shown that gay and bisexual men who are open about their sexual orientatn wh others have better health out than gay and bisexual men who do not. However, beg “out” some settgs and to people who react negatively n add to the strs experienced by gay and bisexual men, and n lead to poorer mental health and discrimatn.

Mental health unselg and support groups that are sensive to the needs of gay and bisexual men n be pecially eful if you are g to terms wh your sexual orientatn or are experiencg prsn, anxiety, or other mental health problems. While many gay, bisexual, and other men who have sex wh men may not seek re om a mental health provir bee of a fear of discrimatn or homophobia, is important to keep this as an optn and to fd a provir that is tstworthy and patible. If you're tryg to figure out if your iend is gay bee you want to date him (as a woman), 's important to remember that jt bee he might be terted men don't mean he's not terted women.

I THOUGHT I DIDN'T NEED GAY FRIENDS; I WAS WRONG

Say somethg like, "You know you're stuck wh me as a iend no matter what, but I jt have to ask bee I don't want to make assumptns and e to the wrong nclns: are you gay? " If you want to talk about your iend to a parent or guardian, try askg "Would you be okay wh me mentng that you're gay to my parents if me up, or would you prefer that I keep quiet?

HOMOPHILY, CLOSE FRIENDSHIP, AND LIFE SATISFACTN AMONG GAY, LBIAN, HETEROSEXUAL, AND BISEXUAL MEN AND WOMEN

Article SummaryXIt might e as a b of a shock to fd out your bt iend is gay, but by supportg them and givg yourself time to get ed to , your iendship n be jt like was. McKellan is a gay man who me out 1988, and although 33 years have passed sce he me out, n still be shockg to the world to see such a close same-sex iendship that cross sexual inti. McKie’s rearch reported that straight participants felt that a gay iend ma for the ultimate wgman bee the gay iend uld help to attract prospective partners for the straight iend.

McKie noted that the straight men felt their gay iend was able to make succsful troductns to straight women bee the women tsted their gay male iends to troduce them to a good person. The lack of petn for the same prospective partners allows the iendship to flourish a way that may be hred to some gree for gay or straight men iendships wh men who share the same sexual orientatn.

GAY IEND

Straight men also reported havg more emotnally vulnerable nversatns wh their gay iends bee they felt safer to do so, relative to attemptg to discs siar topics wh other straight men. McKie’s rearch found that straight men livg the more central parts of Canada and the Uned Stat were ls likely to report a willgns or tert havg a gay man as a iend. ) On top of that, take to acunt the hurdl of gay culture: beg the closet, g out, homophobia, ternalized homophobia, and velopg ep, unrequed csh on straight acquatanc om high school you barely spoke to, cludg that guy who was two years olr than you wh the dirty brown hair and always wore tank tops durg the summer and uld have moled and now is probably married wh three kids and I’m pretty sure his name was Ian.

Somewhere along this super gay marathon (and I’m reag om sertg a pole metaphor here, send ngratulatns at your nvenience), you slowly accumulate some like-md iends beyond the people you’re hookg up wh or datg, and beg to realize there are ed others who have wad through the same torrent of emotns and experienc you’ve enuntered.

Prevly feelg like the sole gay the universe, like Sigourney Weaver walkg the halls of Nostromo at the end of Alien soaked sweat, you’ve fally found other telligent queer life. A member of your gay iend group will also happily be there to take a picture of you for your Instagram, and will be jt as happy to take the same picture 30 more tim wh only slightly different angl bee turns out ’s you who’s the importance of cultivatg gay iendships went over my head durg my personal evolutn, as I ially unrstood my own sexualy as much as I unrstood 11th gra math. And like tryg to figure out the Pythagorean Theorem g a toaster oven stead of a lculator, navigatg my own queerns early on whout gay iends was a mostly futile effort.