Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• HOW CAN I LEARN TO ACCEPT MY GAY SON
• 'ACCEPT' AND 'TOLERATE' MY GAY KID? THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
• I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY
• 'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN
• HBAND DON’T ACCEPT OUR GAY SON - HOW N I CHANGE HIS MD?
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• FOR A MOM, LEARNG TO ACCEPT A GAY SON WAS 'NONNEGOTIABLE'
• GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• PARENTG A GAY CHILD
• MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?
• I N'T FIVE MY DGHTER FOR BEG GAY

HOW CAN I LEARN TO ACCEPT MY GAY SON

Gay children often receive discrimatory actns and possibly rejectn om peers; this is therefore their perd of liberatn. Realizg that your son is gay may e you to grieve the loss of expectatns placed on you as a fay and the future you imaged for your loved one.

'ACCEPT' AND 'TOLERATE' MY GAY KID? THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Please ll one of our specialists at Visns Adolcent Treatment Centers for more rmatn on acceptg a gay son.

Many of the straight parents I terviewed for When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know exprsed havg felt disappotment learng that their child was LGBT.

I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY

Richard told me, "Perhaps if every parent toyed wh the possibily that any of their children uld be gay, would change the way they raise their children. Gay children are no different—so ltle of their sexual orientatn has to do wh who they are as a whole.

"It is rare to work wh parents of a gay child who have not stggled wh the feelg of loss at some pot the procs of acceptg their child as gay, " my -thor, Jonathan Tobk, M. Parents feel sad that their gay child has lost the possibily of havg a life whout signifint difficulty.

'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN

" Yet Tobk has found that "gay people tell you they are happy wh who they are and feel that they have emerged on the other si of g out as strong, sensive, and rilient dividuals. Rob Portman (R-Oh) reversed his stance on gay marriage, largely bee his son is gay, and although I felt like I should have been happy about , left a bad taste my mouth.

Cizens, but my knee-jerk reactn was, "Oh, you support gay marriage now bee directly affects your fay?

" I know that that thought was not genero, and I'm not proud of , but my tratn is real, and the problem of homophobia is U. It turns out that he has a gay son too, but his opposn to marriage equaly is not gog to change.

HBAND DON’T ACCEPT OUR GAY SON - HOW N I CHANGE HIS MD?

I cherish the good stori, but there's often a moment those good stori that mak my heart hurt: when they tell me how happy they are that their parents "still" love them -- bee all those kids knew that not lovg them was an policians there is a lot talk of "acceptance" and "tolerance" when to homosexualy, and I n't help but thk that those are the wrong words. Anyone who thks that a child would make the choice to be gay is obte and not worth engagg a discsn of the people happen. That means that gay children happen, and gay children n be born to anyone or adopted to any fay.

If someone is not prepared to love a gay child, then what bs do they have parentg children at all?

After all, they n't perform the number-one may feel that is possible to love a person and not accept that he or she is gay. Lovg someone but hatg the fact that he or she is gay would be like lovg someone but hatg the fact that he or she has arms or what about those parents who do "accept" and "tolerate" their gay children? They're better parents than those who throw their children out of the hoe or abe them for beg gay.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

Words like "accept" and "tolerate" do not dite good thgs; the ntext of homosexualy, they imply that there is somethg wrong wh beg gay that parents have to put up wh. That is not a good child serv to be loved for exactly who they are, so I thk 's about time that we change how we talk about our gay children.

" When we cherish and celebrate who our children are, then maybe the sred gay kids this untry will stop worryg about whether their parents will "still" love them and will simply know they are loved unndnally. He me home one weekend to expla to me and my hband that he has been livg wh his partner for three months and has known he was gay sce he was 17. UPSET: Mary n't e to terms wh the fact that her son is gay / pic posed by molsI was vastated and me as a shock bee Gav has the past brought girliends home to meet .

FOR A MOM, LEARNG TO ACCEPT A GAY SON WAS 'NONNEGOTIABLE'

Perhaps is ls difficult than once was bee there is ls secrecy and ls opprobrium surroundg homosexualy but is still hard bee upsets all your expectatns about your mt have been very difficult for Gav to e home and tell you this. That’s how I feel’The armageddon refers to his mum’s strong Jehovah’s Wns beliefs about the sfulns of homosexualy. ’”Chris, sadly, isn’t alone his story of parental fa of equalyAt the time I terviewed him, a Brazilian mother who killed her teenage son for beg gay is sentenced to 25 years prison.

Celebry stori of heartbreakg parental rejectn are also November, the Amerin thor and producer Robyn Crawford released a book nfirmg she had had a romantic relatnship wh Whney Hoton – but had to abandon out of fear of the repercsns om Hoton’s by Oprah Wey if would have bothered her if her dghter was gay, Cissy Hoton said “Absolutely. There have been so many signs over the years, so when he told me recently that he’s gay and a relatnship wh a man, I felt relief that at last we uld both be open about . It sounds like your hband’s ego has been hurt, pecially if he’s om that old-fashned era of not acceptg gay people.

When parents learn that their child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, they n experience a range of emotns. As a matter of fact, you might someday look back and fd that you are grateful for the experience of havg a gay or lbian child. Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups.

GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?

If you jt found out your child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, you may be thkg that such ias are prepostero. The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life.

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

When he me out to his mother, Connie Casey, she sent him to a seri of nversn therapy mistri affiliated wh Exod Internatnal, the Christian anizatn that fold this month and apologized to the gay muny for tryg to "rrect" same-sex attractn.

Perhaps is not surprisg that mothers and their gay sons often scribe their relatnships as close.

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

This was found to be te for many of the mothers and sons I terviewed for the study scribed the book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child (). Neverthels, this closens uld have a downsi, at least temporarily, as many mothers ially blame themselv and the close relatnships for their sons' homosexualy. So, perhaps is not pletely surprisg that once they learned their sons were gay, some of the mothers I terviewed felt that they had done somethg to damage them.

The fact is that I am the mother and I was told growg up that men bee gay bee their mothers are too motherg. For a long time, the psychiatric profsn blamed overly close maternal relatnships for g the "disease" of male homosexualy.

Even though rearch sce the 1950's has bunked , this theory persists people's mds and rears s ugly head for mothers when they ially learn their sons are gay. Fortunately, for many mothers of gay son—wh time and tn, they learn that the ia that they had somehow ma their son gay is ad wrong This was te of the mothers my study who also me to see the benefs havg a gay son as will be scribed later this post. My rearch, clil and personal experienc suggt that there is ed a al lk between male homosexualy and a close maternal relatnship but flows the oppose directn than what was prevly thought.

PARENTG A GAY CHILD

In other words, havg a close relatnship wh your mother don't make you gay—beg gay mak you closer to your mother. The young gay mal this study relled sharg terts mon wh their mothers, such as fashn and okg, and were also sensive to their feelgs. I thk personally [beg gay] ma me a more emotnal person, more sensive, more touch wh both the male and female sis of myself, but allowg me to even acknowledge that other si ma me closer to my mother.

MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

Once mothers this study got over their feelgs of guilt and got ed to the ia that their sons were gay, they were able to regnize the benefs of havg a gay son.

Closens between mothers and their gay sons is a stereotype and like all stereotyp, sometim they rg te. However, we get to hot water when we allow stereotyp to get the way of unrstandg the uniquens of dividuals and their circumstanc—so is important to remember that not all mothers and gay sons are close. Sadly, some mothers simply nnot adjt to their sons' homosexualy, due to their guilt, relig ncerns, or abily to "let go" and accept the ways they live their liv.

For sure, gay men, their mothers and those who assist them need to explore and unrstand the val relatnships. A new study nducted by rearchers at Gee Washgton Universy found that most parents of lbian, gay, and bisexual youth have difficulty adjtg after their kids e study says is one of the first to systematilly exame the experience of parents raisg lbian, gay and bisexual children.

I N'T FIVE MY DGHTER FOR BEG GAY

”The study found that Ain Amerin and Lato parents have a harr time acceptg their lbian, gay and bisexual children, as do the parents of children who e out at a later study, which surveyed a much larger sample size than prev studi, nfirmed smaller studi that showed parents’ negative reactns tend to ease over time; the first two years are the harst for were no signifint differenc reactns between mother and father, the age of the parent, or the genr of the child.

The study did not exame the reactns for the parents of transgenr general, acceptance seems to be growg rapidly for lbian, gay and bisexual youth. Fathers many fai are myster, distant, timidatg figur—even more so for boys wh homosexual attractns.